Friday, July 21, 2017

The drive home, awful as I thought.

I was so worried about our drive home. By this point I hadn't stopped my Topomax completely but I was at a much decreased dose and I was feeling it. I was not doing well mentally or emotionally, and I didn't say anything to Matt. I'm pretty sure he could tell something wasn't right because I was very angry and short with everyone and I had been doing better with that while on my medication so I'm sure he was annoyed. I had increased my Straterra which was supposed to be helping my cognitive abilities and help me feel more awake but it wasn't making any kind of difference.

But on our last day we planned to drive to my grandparent's house again since it was on the way and I wanted to just sit and visit one more time before getting on the road. The kids had a great time telling them about their beach adventures, visiting with my uncles, Olivia wanted to show off her new hat, and Penelope wanted to bust into my grandma's stash of snacks, and we hung out.

Shortly before lunch time we had to get on the road so we said our goodbyes,
and we got back on the road for the incredibly long drive home. 

That night the goal was to get to somewhere in Georgia before crashing for the night, and day one of driving actually wasn't as awful as we thought. By the time we got to a hotel we were so incredibly tired. We ended up staying at some ramshackle motel which was the third one we stopped at for the night that had any rooms left, and it was dirty. I can't find the pictures, but the sink had what like pubes in it, dried toothpaste and other debris in it. The bed? Oh the bed was lovely because it had cracker crumbs in it. 

It was so gross. 

But what was even worse? Right as we turned out the lights, and we are all exhausted, we hear someone just puke every where

Immediately we turn the lights on to gauge what the hell just happened and discovered it was just Lucy, puking all over Matt as he tried to rock her to sleep, and she immediately wanted to play. Matt, very much not pleased, declares he's got to change (sadly he couldn't shower because the tub was .... it was gross.) 

I was so tired that I fell asleep immediately on the full size bed with Penelope and Olivia, but I woke up in the morning to the whole hotel stinking. Absolutely stinking. That's when I learned that not long after I fell asleep, Jackson woke up and puked on Matt again. 

Poor Matt. 

If there was an award for a dad being the best sport ever, Matt would win it tenfold. Not only is his wife losing her mind, but he's getting puked on repeatedly. 

We got back on the road pretty quickly in the morning after a light breakfast and had the goal of getting to somewhere in Illinois, which was pretty damn lofty. 

Spoiler: we did it, but BARELY. 

Somewhere in Tennessee we encountered the worst traffic ever. We were at a dead stop for almost an hour, then inched forward for the next two hours, until finally we saw an exit and had to get off. We were hungry, we definitely needed gas, and I had to get the hell out of the vehicle. I was having a panic attack and I was starting to cry. 

For no reason. 

We pull off and discover that the alternative route is also shut down because of accidents so we decide to just have lunch at this random Hardee's, because that's all there is. It's a Hardee's and a small gas station with signs on just about everything that say, "Sorry, out of order" so just Hardee's. But they have little to no air conditioning, it's easily 90 degrees and humid, this place is so busy and I'm sitting at a table with four very cranky kids while Matt orders food. 

By the time he gets back to our table, almost 40 minutes later, I'm losing it. I have tears streaming down my face, I'm doing my counting exercises in my head, and nothing is happening. Then I realize that Matt didn't order me a lunch, the line was so long that the hope of me getting a lunch was slim, and the kids are crabby and arguing/getting on my damn nerves and I ..... lost it. I know I pushed a tray, I know I slammed a kid back down in their seat and I remember crying as we walked out. It was bad. There is more about that little stop too but I'll save that for my someday book. 

We ended up driving in silence for hours. The littles dozed off, the bigs read their books, and I just cried as Matt drove. We heard at the gas station the highway was closed because of a major accident and they heard there was a fatality. It dawned on me that instead of feeling sadness like a normal person, I was jealous that they had an out. They got to die and go onto wherever it is we go when we die and I was stuck in this van wishing with everything in me that something would just take me. 

Nothing did of course. 

I messaged my psychiatrist and told him how things were going as I weaned off the medication (not well), told him about losing it in the Hardee's in the middle of Tennessee, and how I didn't think I was going to make it with nothing else. 

We drove and drove. Matt did a good job making up the time we lost in Tennessee and we agreed that we could still make it to Illinois, but it would be a late night. By the time we ended up stopping it was a hotel in the middle of a remodel but that was OK because at least the place was clean. 
We didn't even shut the door before Penelope was peeling her clothes off, ready to go to bed. Poor kid.
The next morning we got up early to head home- the last day of driving. The GPS said we were going to arrive in our driveway around 6 p.m. and that's about when we got home, even with bathroom and food stops. That day was pretty rough on me too but not nearly as bad as the day before. Thank god we had it planned so that Matt would be home for a day before going back to work because I was in no shape, emotionally, mentally, or physically to do it by myself.

So that was the end of our trip. It was good, it was hard, and I'm proud of myself that I held it together. This was challenging for me as New Sara, and Old Sara would have done this trip wonderfully, with no issues. I try not to think about what this trip would have been like if I was still old me but I'm glad that we went. I saw my family. I crossed something off my mom bucket list. I lost my shit in a Hardee's.

For anyone who looks at this trip and see it as a luxury vacation, you are an idiot. It wasn't that at all. For any of us. I had some poignant moments with the kids, I had a tough conversation about what depression is with my big kids, and I think Matt saw just how much his wife has declined. I think he's been in serious denial about my deficiencies but being with me for all of this time, I think it became glaringly clear to him- I'm not the same girl he married. I'm not even the same person who walked into that hospital almost a year ago. I don't know who I am yet.


middlechild said...

Hugs and kisses for you. Glad you were able to take this trip.

Julie H said...

Oh my that sounded horrible! I can't even drive to town in the car with my husband without wanting to throw things so don't feel too bad!