Friday, June 26, 2020

My body is a lemon. What is the lemon law on bodies?

I had an eventful week of doctor appointments, that's for sure. Let's just go appointment by appointment then, how does that sound? 

Psychiatry: I think this may have been my last one with him since he is moving across the country and I am so damn sad about it. Truly, I can't even explain how sad I am without sounding like I'm nuts. This doctor is one of the only ones I trust implicitly. I trust my psychologist too, but she isn't dealing with my prescriptions and stuff, that's talk therapy. My psychiatrist is so damn great and I have trusted him for the last three and a half years to advise me on a lot of things. He always believed me when I said I wanted to die and I wasn't happy. He believes me when I say I really can't do it anymore and I just don't want to traumatize these kids. At the appointment, and I'm glad it was a virtual visit because I hope he couldn't tell I was straight sobbing, he said my greatest obstacle is, and will always be that I'm perceptive, honest, and realistic in understanding my limitations now. That I don't wear rose colored glasses, but I don't curl into a ball helpless. He kept saying I was worthy, I am one of the strongest patients he's had who puts in the work to get better. He said more but honestly by then I was just a damn wreck. If I was in person I probably would have hugged him for dear life and gotten boogers all over him and I'm not even kidding. 

I ended up asking him if he could give me a list of the drugs I've tried that didn't work because I can't find my notebook and at the end of his final note it says, "Med history: Extreme and difficult reactions to Cymbalta, Zoloft, and Lexapro. Failed Strattera, Topamax, Depakote, Nuvigil, Rexulti, Abilify, Vraylar, Modafinil, Ritalin, Adderall IR.". 

So damn. I mean, most of these I had forgotten but this is quite the journey. 

Psychology: I ended up having therapy two days later which was great because I also cried there, too. She doesn't think I'm nuts that I'm so sad and she also totally understands why every day is hard. I was telling someone the other day that being told the happy centers in your brain don't work is one thing, but really understanding what that means is a totally other thing. I thought I understood it years ago but I think I was still in the grieving stages because I was just really angry about it. Angry that people don't GET IT, and no amount of endorphins, exercise, sunshine, oils, sex, whatever is going to fix it. When your brain is busted, it is busted. Now I feel like I'm really accepting it and some days it just makes me sad again. I see photos of me years ago and I look happy. Unapologetically happy and carefree, enjoying life, and now I just feel... here. I guess. I mean, I'm here and that's something I guess. 

It was basically an hour of crying and I can't wait until I can go because I feel like I can't really let it out, you know? 

Gastroenterology: Well I saw him in the morning today and wow, that sucked. So I am still having a ton of issues since having my gall bladder out. Apparently, and none of you are going to be surprised, but I'm in the really small percentage of people who has a body that doesn't adapt well to not having a gall bladder. 

I know I'm not shocked. I'm only shocked we held out hope I'd be normal. 

With all of my issues: the nausea, almost vomiting, diarrhea, bloating, feeling full after a bite or two, etc., I get to do a gastric exit scan. He said I'd be eating a LOT of scrambled eggs with radioactive dye to see how fast I poop it out and basically its journey from eggs to poop. 

Which, isn't that grand? 

I have no idea when this adventure takes place but someone in scheduling is supposed to call me. They are basically trying to see if I have gastroparesis, which sounds awful. It would explain a lot of the issues I've had, so I guess that's something. The doctor said he absolutely wouldn't be shocked if I had it given all of the issues I've had, but also because I have a damaged pituitary gland which means I have no working hormones. Apparently, you need hormones for even your stomach to work and it sounds like it isn't. 

So just a reminder kids, your pituitary gland is important!

Weight Loss: I saw my weight loss doctor in the afternoon, and good news, I am down 31.8 pounds from end of December. I'm officially 174.2 pounds and I have 14 pounds to go for my goal weight of 160. I am pretty happy about it and I am feeling better overall. I definitely breathe easier, my back doesn't hurt at much and just the ability to walk around the entire house without getting winded and exhausted is really nice. Bad news is that he agrees, it sound like I have some kind of gastroparesis and he's concerned about how quickly I seem to be losing weight, like I'm down 9 pounds in a month. So we'll see where I am at when I go back. 

I just feel so damn defeated. On one hand, I'm grateful doctors still give a damn and are trying to figure out what is going on with me. On the other hand, I am so fed up. It is frustrating to think all of the things I deal with were kicked off with my AFE blows my mind. It's frustrating too when doctors blow that off and tell you an AFE is a one time event, it doesn't cause issues later on. Which, I guess it doesn't create havoc forever but it can certainly be a catalyst for things and doctors just don't want to go there. 

Oh well. 

So that's my medical update. If you have information about gastroparesis (or horror stories), let me know. I don't mind knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly, because it at least helps me make a list of questions when I go in. 

Have a good weekend, lambs. 


Why Girls Are Weird said...

That's heavy friend. I'm glad you found some good things. That weight loss is BOMB and you know I'm right there with you.

You are a strong person. You will continue to overcome. I have so much faith in you.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Jeez, I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. That's awful that your Psychiatrist is moving, and I really hope you find a new one that you love and that understands you!!! I'm glad you have a psychologist that you really love though - I adore mine, and thank goodness, because that's still pretty important too, even if they don't handle your meds. The whole gall bladder issue is insane! Like, what the hell?? I have never heard of that, so I can't offer any advice, I'm afraid. I know that hormones cause crazy things though - my sister has Cushing's Disease. She had to have tumors removed from her pituitary gland a couple years ago. Her body had too much cortisol basically.

Anyway, thanks for the updates!! I really hope that things get figure out for you soon and that you find a new psychiatrist that works well with you!