It smells like perpetual dog shit, it must be spring.

I don't think I have ever, in all of the years I have lived in northern Wisconsin, been as excited for spring and summer as I am this year. It's obviously a combination of the months of freezing awful cold, and feet upon feet of snow, or just the never ending process of it all. I'm over it. Everybody around here is. I think even winter enthusiasts are like, enough is enough.

Luckily for us, it's been pretty amazing this week as far as weather. Snow is melting, and you can kind of see grass in some areas. It's all muddy and brown, but at least you know it's there and it'll come back and be green someday soon. Now that it's reasonable to be outside and I don't have to wear a ton of layers of clothing or a face mask, I've decided that I am going to start up my nightly walking routine again. I'm easing myself into running again and it feels kind of amazing. I'm already at the point where I'm craving my outdoor time and fresh air.

Tonight I managed to get Matt to come out walking with me, and as soon as I got outside all I could smell was dog shit. Like everywhere we went, dog shit. Somehow I forget that every year, spring smells like dog shit around here. It's awful.

But anyways. As it turns out, Matt is a terrible walking partner. Granted, we did have Twinky with us and he has to try to kill everything and the rain gutters were really upsetting him, but Matt is a slow walker. Like, a twenty minute mile walker. If we were in a mall, we would have been trampled by the same couple four times in one lap. It was nice to have him come with me so I didn't have to worry about being abducted. As I get older I feel less safe when I'm by myself outside. I've never been super great about that anyways but put me outside as it's getting dark and you will see the beginnings of a panic attack.

So what else? Here's a recap of crap happening soon:

1. The biggest couch of all time will be here on Friday. Oh? Did I not tell you about this? Well I will on Friday. Because of course there is a hilarious story on how my husband spent $3100 in five minutes on a couch. Oh, and an ottoman. I can't leave out the fucking ottoman.

2. My academic advising meeting? Friday. EEK. I'm kind of nervous. We are going to map out my next few semesters of school and then I register for fall classes on Monday.

3. Still on the fence about summer classes.

4. Summer house projects? Mapping them out.

5. My basement? Is a MESS. A family room is going up and I have progress pictures. We're quickly discovering that the previous owners owned no power tools and hand nailed everything in and also did not own a level. Absolutely nothing around here is level. Not even close. *sigh*

Lots of stuff coming up. I'm just so happy about the warmer weather and being outside. My brain isn't used to this much fresh air and stimulation.

So, peri menopause is a thing maybe?

Before I even start this, I will just say up front I absolutely have an appointment with the OB/GYN because enough people have scared me over the last five days. So calm down.

So anyways.

I haven't been on birth control in oh.... three years since I have high blood pressure nobody wants to do anything about and I'll probably have a heart attack soon. So I know it's not that screwing me up. But since not being on that my periods have been really light, maybe only three days tops. I didn't complain because hello- that's amazing and I have almost no menstrual symptoms and I just figured this is just the perk of having kids and my body saying maybe I've suffered enough.

Then cue it to the last six months. I'll get my period for a day or two, it goes away for five days or so, starts up with a fucking vengeance and I feel like I'm being stabbed all day. Last month I felt like I was legitimately having some kind of bizarre ovary attack where it was revolting against itself.

Then it's gone for two weeks.

Then comes back.

It's some kind of special bullshit is what it is. It's really over the top.

So naturally, I went onto WebMd and listed all of my symptoms. My list of possible things wrong with me are:

Endometrial Cancer
Anorexia (I ate 3 Twinkies and 4 slices of pizza and a taco salad today. I have crossed this one off.)
Cervical Cancer
Cervicitis
Foreign Object in Vagina (both ben wa balls are accounted for, I've crossed this one off.)
Kidney Infection
Tuberculosis (I'm just crossing this off because it doesn't seem right.)
Uternine Cancer
Kidney Cancer
Perimenopause

Now, the odds clearly say cancer might be a for real thing. BUT, I'm leaning towards perimenopause. This winter poor Matt complained we might die of hypothermia because I have been sleeping with the fan on all night and sometimes the window open even when it was 50 degrees below zero because I literally thought I was going to melt away. Also not awesome is the last two weeks? Can't sleep for anything. I feel like I'm exhausted but nothing happens. I'm not even tired during the day, I feel like I can fully function on a lot less sleep than usual, which is really odd.

The only alarming thing is that I'm only 32. I mean, statistically it's completely possible for this to be a plausible thing. But holy hell. I feel really young to be having to deal with this. Granted, maybe not having periods anymore is something kind of awesome to look forward to but I thought for sure I had another decade before worrying about this. Dang.

There really needs to be a "What to Expect: Aging" book for women. Maybe that will be my book. I'll document this all and then I'll get famous and talk about vagina dryness, mood swings and hot flashes. According to the list on WebMD, these things are coming. *shudder*

The Last Original Wife

I am a pretty big fan of this author because her books make me want to go to South Carolina, every single time. I have read almost all of her Low Country books and was a fan of all of them, so naturally when I saw this tour become available I jumped for the opportunity.

The Last Original Wife - Dorothea Benton Frank

Leslie Anne Greene Carter is the last original wife among her husband's group of cronies. They've all traded in their first wives-the middle-aged women they long ago promised to love and cherish 'til death did them part-for riper peaches: younger . . . blonder . . . more enhanced models.

Leslie is proud of her status and the longevity of her marriage. Sure the spark isn't quite as bright and sometimes takes a little longer to flame. And it wouldn't be too much to ask if her husband paid just an itty bit more attention to her desires. But there's something to be said for a comfortable and deeply familiar relationship. Or at least she thinks until the day, out golfing with her husband and his friends, she slips into a manhole. And nobody realizes that she's gone.

That one misstep opens Leslie's eyes to the sham her perfect life has become. No longer will she be invisible. No longer will she accept being taken for granted. With the healing powers of South Carolina's lush white beaches, candy-colored sunsets, and fiesty and funny residents, Leslie is going to transform herself and reclaim the strong, vibrant, sexy woman she was meant to be.

The Last Original Wife is classic Dorothea Benton Frank: an intoxicating tale of friendship and love that is as refreshing as a soothing breeze across a golden lowcountry marsh and as invigorating as a dip in cool, salty waters on a sizzling South Carolina summer day.

First and foremost, I loved these characters particularly Leslie. Maybe because I could identify with Leslie and the way she speaks and her opinions on the "new wives" is something that you'd expect to come out of my mouth. I also love that she falls into a manhole and sustains some pretty terrible injuries and how nobody noticed she was gone, but more importantly, how her husband doesn't even think it's a big deal. Even more so, he's angry she had the audacity to fall into a hole in the first place and try to ruin his golf game he had to (gasp!!) schedule two years in advance. 

But the greater story here is how marriages fall apart over time for no concrete reason you can point out. Sure, there are instances (like the fall into the manhole) that you can point at and say that's when you knew things aren't the way they should be. Maybe they never were, but life keeps you busy and we always think someday it'll get better. Some times it doesn't and that's the story of Leslie and Wesley (her husband). It takes the manhole fall to spur her impromptu trip to Charleston and in her absence her husband and children realize all that she actually was doing for them. Some make changes, and some realize all the changes in the world can't fix how a person just is. But while gone, Leslie realizes how terribly things actually were going and she has to decide if she's willing to continue with good enough or strive for more. 

I'll be honest, the ending was good, but I really thought she was going to turn things around for the family. I can't really say any more than that because it ruins it for you. But when the book starts off as both main characters in counseling, I thought we'd have a different ending. I do love the ending though. I feel like both characters come to an agreement and realize the other's point of view for all of those years. It doesn't mean you agree, it means you understand it.

If you are a chick lit fan, a Dorothea Benton Frank fan, or just need a fun summer read? Pick this one up, you won't be disappointed and you'll find yourself laughing and relating to it on some level. 

Into the Wild

You know how there are some books you just wander by at the bookstore for years and then one day you just throw your hands in the air and say, "oh fuck it all, I'll buy it already!"?

If not, you're no friend of mine.

This is one of those books for me. And it was.... odd.

Into the Wild - Jon Krakauer

In April 1992 a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. His name was Christopher Johnson McCandless. He had given $25,000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet, and invented a new life for himself. Four months later, his decomposed body was found by a party of moose hunters. How McCandless came to die is the unforgettable story of Into the Wild.

Immediately after graduating from college in 1991, McCandless had roamed through the West and Southwest on a vision quest like those made by his heroes Jack London and John Muir. In the Mojave Desert he abandoned his car, stripped it of its license plates, and burned all of his cash. He would give himself a new name, Alexander Supertramp, and , unencumbered by money and belongings, he would be free to wallow in the raw, unfiltered experiences that nature presented. Craving a blank spot on the map, McCandless simply threw the maps away. Leaving behind his desperate parents and sister, he vanished into the wild.

To be completely honest, I wanted to read this book because the idea of someone of sound mental health just trudging out into the wilderness and then dying is pretty damn intriguing. As I read the story, I felt really bad for this kid because this just proves you can be incredibly intelligent and incredibly stupid at the exact same time. It's the story of Christopher McCandless, who for whatever reason, just goes off on a life changing trip. He leaves behind a family who really has no clue why he went off. 

Sure, we find out later his dad made some pretty poor choices with his relations, but honestly? I'd bet you several parents do the same thing and families suffer, but they get over it somehow. Instead of doing that, Christopher internalizes it and basically snaps. Not really snaps, but it seems like the catalyst for the entire trip that proves fatal. But what is hands down, the saddest part of this book is how he dies inside of the sleeping bag his mother made him. Maybe because I have a son and I understand what a mother and son bond feels like, but my heart hurt for his poor mother. It hurts for him too because I think at his age, in his last few breaths, he probably wished for his mom to be there and that is heartbreaking. It's one thing to die alone as an older person, but it's quite another to die alone so young and your family has no idea where you are. 

Honestly? A lot of the things Christopher does and his age makes you wonder if he was in the beginnings of schizophrenia or some other mental illness. Between his alter ego, abandoning beloved possessions and the bizarre note on his car, to his general personality and mannerisms and let's not forget this often bizarre "journal entries". The whole thing felt very much like a mental illness situation to me. 

I will say that one thing that annoys me in this book is the author talking about his adventures in the wild and experiences as a young man. If I wanted to read about that, I would have bought a book about it. Instead, I bought a book on Christopher McCandless and I'd say almost half of the book is about the author and other random "explorers" who disappeared and seemingly died in the hands of the wild outdoors. It's like a comparison was being made to somehow say, sometimes people just want to be one with nature and it's no big deal. It just felt strange to me. 

There was one quote in here that really struck me and it's a passage from Edward Hoadlund's, "Up the Black to Chalkyitsik". It is obviously something relevant to this book but it also made by think of the book "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed. 

We have in America "the Big Two-Hearted River" tradition: taking your wounds to the wilderness for a cure, a conversion, a rest, or whatever. And as in the Hemingway story, if your wounds aren't too bad, it works. But this isn't Michigan (or Faulkner's Big Woods in Mississippi, for that matter). This is Alaska. 

To me it's like, sure- a walk out into nature can sometimes clear your mind and give you some perspective. But other times, you need to just deal with it. Life is hard. Life is hard for everyone, it doesn't matter the path we're given. I think some people aren't able to deal with life so they get drunk on bad days, they experiment with drugs because it makes them forget or calm down or, some people think they can live off the land and chuck deuces at civilization.

Overall? Interesting book. It's not something I'd say you should read because you'll gain insight into something. I still don't feel like we really know what Christopher was thinking and he didn't leave enough behind to explain any of it. And it's really sad. The passages at the end from when his parents visits the bus he died in? So sad. I can't even imagine what his mother felt at that moment. You raise your children knowing it's your job to keep them safe and despite that, they have no regard for you or the worry you would feel when you have no idea where they are. That's hard. As a parent, that was hard for me to read.

Mind of Winter

Disclaimer: if you are a parent? This will likely mess with you. Especially if you read it before bedtime.

Mind of Winter - Laura Kasischke

On a snowy Christmas morning, Holly Judge awakens, the fragments of a nightmare-something she must write down-floating on the edge of her consciousness.

Something followed them from Russia.

On another Christmas morning thirteen years ago, she and her husband Eric were in Siberia to meet the sweet, dark-haired Rapunzel they desperately wanted. How they laughed at the nurses of Pokrovka Orphanage #2 with their garlic and their superstitions, and ignored their gentle warnings. After all, their fairy princess Tatiana-baby Tatty-was perfect.

As the snow falls, enveloping the world in its white silence, Holly senses that something is not right, has not been right in the years since they brought their daughter-now a dangerously beautiful, petulant, sometimes erratic teenager-home. There is something evil inside this house. Inside themselves. How else to explain the accidents, the seemingly random and banal misfortunes. Trixie, the cat. The growth on Eric's hand. Sally the hen, their favorite, how the other chickens turned on her. The housekeeper, that ice, a bad fall. The CDs scratched, every one.

But Holly must not think of these things. She and Tatiana are all alone. Eric is stuck on the roads and none of their guests will be able to make it through the snow. With each passing hour, the blizzard rages and Tatiana's mood darkens, her behavior becoming increasingly disturbing and frightening. Until, in every mother's worst nightmare, Holly finds she no longer recognizes her daughter.

I will tell you right now that I almost gave up on this book in the first few pages simply because if I read the line, "something followed them from Russia" one more time, I was probably going to throw the book. There are ways to make a story escalate, to increase the anxiety in a reader in less annoying ways than repeating a single line multiple times. It makes you feel like Holly is a crazy loon from the word go. 

And I want to tell you a LOT more about this story and my insight but the downside to that is I'll ruin it all. I will tell you that the entire book is really whacked out. It's the story of Holly, on Christmas morning, and it's her inner conversation about her daughter Tatty, the challenges of having a teenager and it's just super odd. You know right from the word go something isn't right and I think my first clue is  how many times she referred to her daughter's skin. Which makes no sense to you right now, but as you read it you will start to wonder what in the mother hell is going on here. Also, the phone call. There is a part in here where people call and the way they speak to Holly and how Tatiana doesn't respond and I thought right there, something isn't as it seems. Something is definitely wrong here. 

I spent this whole story focusing on Tatiana and her bizarre behavior and then I get to the very last page. In fact, the very last paragraph on the very last page and it's such a game changer you automatically want to re-read it to see where you went wrong deciphering this story. Because it's that bizarre. By the time you get to the last page you don't know what to think and you will find yourself saying, "Are you bleeping kidding me???". 

It's a really bizarre book and I wasn't scared until that last page and I realized what I had just read. It was creepy and terrifying by the time I got there and it was 3am and I hadn't slept yet and I won't lie- I checked on my kids. *shudder*

Check out the author's website HERE to learn more about her and her other works. 

Divergent and Theo's lips.

Can we just talk for a moment about the Divergent movie? Because I really loved it. I think we all remember my pretty harsh review of the book, right? (If you missed it, go HERE.) It wasn't that I hated the book, I just feel really strongly Veronica Roth blatantly ripped off Suzanne Collins and The Hunger Games, and I'm not alone. There are entire online communities who are pissed about this. It's probably time for them to settle down by now, though.

I so strongly disliked the book that this is the first time I've really considered giving book two and three the middle finger and forgetting it.

But then, I saw the movie.

Not only am I now madly in love with Theo James and where have you been all of my life, but it was really good. It was FAR and above better than the book. Which, normally movies basically butcher the book, but this time it did it justice and made so much more sense. All of the loose ends the author leaves about in the book and gaps you just have to mentally fill in? Movie folks fixed them.


Let's just stare at Theo's lips because I would like to bite them. And that Adam's Apple? Can we talk about how nice my face would look up in his neck? Because I feel like it could be the best ever. Also? Why is he not god damn Christian Gray? Where was HE in the running for that? Seriously, I keep telling people I'm going to buy a Tiger Beat magazine just for the Theo James posters for my office.

But back to the movie before I say something truly embarrassing. Ignore that buzzing you hear.

It was a good movie. I got to go with a really awesome work friend who loves books just as much as we do and I appreciate that she and I have similar movie watching styles. I'm normally pretty animated (Like the time I screamed, "WHAT IN THE HELL IS HAPPENING??" super loud at the last Twilight movie and grabbed the stranger next to me. I think they were afraid.), and sometimes when things get intense I raise my leg in the air and I'm not totally sure why. I do it while playing Super Mario as well. Anyways. But her and I were in agreement that the book was not nearly as good as the movie. The movie basically makes me want to read the next two books so I can mentally prepare for the movies.

Ultimately, I know what happens to Tris and it's awful and horrible. I suspect Veronica Roth is trying to one up Suzanne Collins by giving the heroine a demise, and whatever. I don't care what the hell happens to Tris, because it's me and Theo forever anyways. It's easier without her here to make it awkward. Clearly. But sometime this summer I'll get it together and finish up the series. My to-read pile has grown exponentially which is insane considering my time to do any of it when I start school is probably close to never. We'll see though.

Cry No More

You guys... sigh. Every time someone asks me which book they should read next, I can rattle off a ton but this one is always in that list. I can't even tell you how many times I have read it and I love it so much every single time. Not to mention, I'm a ridiculously HUGE Linda Howard fan. I love her for days.

Cry No More - Linda Howard

Count your blessings; they can be snatched away in an instant. It is a sentiment Milla Edge knows too well. With an astonishing blend of savvy, instinct, and passion, Milla displays an uncanny gift for finding lost children. When all seems helpless, desperate souls from across the country come to her for hope and results. Driven by an obsessive desire to fill the void in other people’s lives, Milla throws herself into every case–all the while trying to outrun the brutal emotions stemming from a horrific tragedy in her past.

Traveling to a small village in Mexico on a reliable tip, Milla begins to uncover the dire fate of countless children who have disappeared over the years in the labyrinth of a sinister baby-smuggling ring. The key to nailing down the organization may rest with an elusive one-eyed man. To find him, Milla joins forces with James Diaz, a suspicious stranger known as the Tracker who conceals his own sinister agenda.

As the search intensifies, the mission becomes more treacherous. For the ring is part of something far larger and more dangerous, reaching the highest echelons of power and influence. Caught between growing passion and imminent peril, Milla suddenly finds herself the hunted–in the crosshairs 
of an invisible, lethal assassin who aims to silence her permanently. 

Intense emotion . . . potent suspense . . . pounding action. Linda Howard weaves these elements into page-turning fiction. Cry No More is a seductive thriller of heartbreak and obsession that moves with a vengeance.

I'm going to give you the quick and dirty here. Milla has a baby, which is then kidnapped in the middle of a Mexican market area. Not only is she essentially assaulted but her baby is literally ripped from her arms. And as any mother would do, she never gives up searching for that baby but in the process, her marriage falls apart. The husband wants to move on and she can't because she knows in her gut her son is alive, he just has to be. 

Fast forward several  years and she's running a non profit in Texas near the Mexican border that is charged with finding missing children. She has turned her tragedy into a career but she never stops looking for her child. All of her hard work boils down to this mysterious one eyed man, but in order to find him she is forced to hire an assassin who doesn't really take jobs unless he wants to. But something about Milla convinces James to take this job on. 

And oh boy does he. 

Have I mentioned James is a really attractive rogue kind of guy who is incredibly lethal but calm? It's like the author knows exactly what I want. In the middle of tracking down baby smugglers, they realize they are attracted to each other and good stuff happens. Like next to the river. Oh, no! My favorite is after a ridiculously pivotal scene I can't tell you about and she's emotional, he's emotional, then they get emotional together... swoon. 

Just.... fan yourself. Or turn a fan on. Maybe have a towel handy along with some extra batteries. I'm just saying it could work out in your favor as it did mine. James is dreamy. *sigh*

Anyways. 

I loved the writing. I loved how the author sucks you in emotionally. I loved the romance and most importantly? I loved the ending. Loved it so much I can't even stand it. SO MUCH. You  need this book in your life.