Book Review: Closer Than You Think

I know that normally I read thrillers and such in the fall, and there isn't a reason for it, it's just how the books come in. I saw this one come up and I just had to read it early. Not sorry. 

Closer Than You Think - Darren O'Sullivan

He’s watching. She’s waiting.

Having barely escaped the clutches of a serial killer, Claire Moore has struggled to rebuild her life. After her terrifying encounter with the man the media dubbed The Black-Out Killer, she became an overnight celebrity: a symbol of hope and survival in the face of pure evil. And then the killings stopped.

Now ten years have passed, and Claire remains traumatised by her brush with death. Though she has a loving and supportive family around her, what happened that night continues to haunt her still.

Just when things are starting to improve, there is a power cut; a house fire; another victim found killed in the same way as before.

The Black-Out Killer is back. And he’s coming for Claire…

Before I even get started I have to tell you that this isn't my first rodeo with Darren O'Sullivan. I've read and reviewed Close Your Eyes and Our Little Secret. One I really liked and one that was just meh for me. I felt like I had to read this one to see if it the great one was a fluke, or maybe the meh one was just me. 

I'm happy to report that I think it was just me or I was just off because I really liked this one! I'm not going to lie it started a little weird, this is the kind of book where you aren't sure if everyone in Claire's life is a suspect or if this is going to be just some random murderer, like a barista who likes her hair or something. I so badly want to tell you who the killer ends up being and I'll tell you full stop, I had no idea. Somewhere on IG I had mentioned I was reading this book and the author replied and said I was either going to LOVE the ending or HATE it so I got a little bit worried. 

I can't spoil it for you but.... its a little bit of both but I can't really tell you why. 

How's that for suspense?!

So much about this book I really liked and I had such a hard time putting it down! The book begins with the killer and its clear he has his sights on Claire. We learn that she is literally the one that got away, but her husband was murdered. He tried ten years earlier and (I can't tell you why/how) she escaped that fate. He never gave up killing though, he honed his skills on several victims over the decade and avoided capture. She may have escaped being murdered but she hasn't lived an easy life since then. Claire has struggled in all aspects of her life. She's relied heavily on her family to get her through and, understandably, her anxiety is pretty awful. She feels as if she is being stalked but its hard to know if its a trauma response or if she is actually being stalked. Of course people think its in her head. 

I am torn on the ending. First, I basically screamed when I found out who the killer was. Screamed because I didn't see it coming at all and that is basically my favorite thing in a thriller. Second, I then had a wave of a MILLION questions that aren't answered. I get that we are supposed to either fill in what we think happened/happens but man..... an epilogue? Could we get an epilogue? Haha!

It has been a long time since I've had a book that made me equal parts proud of a character but absolutely terrified for her. I honestly can't remember the last time I have had a book end quite in that way so because of those? I have to give this one 5 stars. I really enjoyed this one and I really can't wait to read what Darren O'Sullivan gives me next. 

A huge thank you to HQ, Harper Collins, and Darren O'Sullivan for having me on the tour and sending me a copy for review. 

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Book Review: Winter of the Wolf

It probably isn't good that I feel like it is the end of the day Friday when it is only.... Tuesday, right? Yikes. I feel like I have so much to do this week and I really, truly do not. We were thinking about maybe driving to a zoo we haven't been to before but with more Covid positive cases Matt and I changed our minds so our weekend is free at this point. Well, we have a plan B that (hopefully) involves interacting with zero people, so we'll see. But if you're like me and basically reading the entire the summer away, do I have a book for you! 

Winter of the Wolf - Martha Hunt Handler

An exploration in grief, suicide, spiritualism, and Inuit culture, Winter of the Wolf follows Bean, an empathic and spiritually evolved fifteen-year-old, who is determined to unravel the mystery of her brother Sam’s death. Though all evidence points to a suicide, her heart and intuition compel her to dig deeper. With help from her friend Julie, they retrace Sam’s steps, delve into his Inuit beliefs, and reconnect with their spiritual beliefs to uncover clues beyond material understanding. 

Both tragic and heartwarming, this twisting novel draws you into Bean's world as she struggles with grief, navigates high school dramas, and learns to open her heart in order to see the true nature of the people around her. Winter of the Wolf is about seeking the truth—no matter how painful—in order to see the full picture.

In this novel, environmentalist and award-winning author, Martha Handler, brings together two important pieces of her life—the death of her best friend’s son and her work as president of the Wolf Conservation Center—to tell an empathetic and powerful story with undeniable messages.

I am always on the hunt for something different, something I haven't read a thousand times before. I like different settings and time periods, different religions and beliefs, anything different. When I saw that this was a debut author I was intrigued and then when I saw that the description involves the Inuit culture? I was all in because I haven't ever read a book centered around that. Throw in the fact that it is a mystery/thriller around what everyone thought was a suicide? I'm all in. I could not be more in and I am so glad that I was. 

First off, the book is only 236 pages long but beyond that there is a really great author Q&A which covered a couple of the things that I wondered, particularly what made her write a book with this specific topic, and that was covered. I so badly want to tell you the topic, and the manner of death in this book, but I can't because it is a MAJOR piece of the mystery and you need to read the book for it. I will tell you that I have never, never in all of my 38 years, read a book that involved that topic. If you're around these parts I have read everything from child abuse to dinosaur erotica (its a for real thing.. lol) so the fact she surprised me? I love it. 

I have to also mention the book, obviously, deals with death quite a bit and I really loved the author's take on it. As someone who technically died, I definitely feel a lot differently about death than I did before. She offers a really interesting list of books and reading to expand the thoughts and maybe feelings you'll be left with once you finish this book and I really appreciate that because a few of them were already on my list to read so seeing her reference them is making me purchase them sooner. I also had a lot of question about the Inuit culture and there are a few resources for that as well. 

I also have to say, I really loved Bean. Bean is smart and strong, but she also knows when she's right and I loved her perseverance throughout the book.The book shows the turmoil, and guilt, that each family member feels in the wake of Sam's death and it is just a good exploration of all of the feelings and then a teenager making her own way through them. There is a passage on page 118 that I really loved and I feel like every one of us can identify with it, whether it is with death or even world events right now: 

"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" I ask. 

He finally turns to face me. "It's not important whether or now I believe you. What's important is what you believe. You know I've had a lot of time to think about all this -- about Sam and his Inuit beliefs and his certainty that everything had a deeper meaning. What I've come to understand is that you and Sam, and your mother, see things much differently than I do. I always thought my way was right, and you were all a bit off, but I suppose I was being arrogant and, well, maybe even a bit ignorant. The truth is that we each view the world through our own unique lenses. I have a hard time seeing out of your lenses, and you probably have an equally difficult time seeing out of mine, but can choose to accept our differences." 

By the time I finished this book, my heart broke a little more for Sam, and I was happy that Bean was able to get some kind of closure over her brother's death, I felt terrible for Skip, and it left me feeling like I actually knew these people. Such a great book and it covers a lot of issues teens could learn about. They sometimes exhibit risky behaviors because they think its safe, or they'll be OK and a lot of times that's just not the case. Highly recommend. 

A huge thank you to the author and FSB Associates for having me on this book tour and sending me a copy for review! 

FINALLY! The Craft Room-Library-Office tour!

I'm going to warn you, this is a picture heavy post and I am going to try to explain each one. If you have any questions, or want more information, let me know and I'll do my best!

I also need to mention that Matt made this room from scratch. This room is in the corner of the basement which didn't have any walls or anything. The room next to it is our bedroom, which he also made, so he did a LOT of work on this. 

Ready?

As you walk up to the door, this is your view. Not only do I have a door, but I have a door that LOCKS. Granted, I'm directly under Penelope and Lucy's room, and the bathroom, and it isn't soundproof so I won't be blaring music or talking loudly down here, but I really like having a space to hide. 

I have some more photos of the desk but man... this desk took forever. My original plan was to do a 5 foot by 5 foot desk with cabinets/storage all around. Once we moved furniture in and got bookshelves up, that was a bit too big. So I settled on a 4 foot by 4 foot desk, which is still great. Matt made my counter top with a piece of wood and some laminate to match my desk top and he made a base for everything. Again, I'll have more info below on this. 

When you come into the room, this is immediately to the left. All of my adult fiction and non-fiction books are over here. My bottom shelf is some of my scrapbooking thing and I have two large Iris cases on the floor but also Jackson's puzzle he mod podged that I need to get a frame for it. 

I have a tiny window with glass you can't see out of (or in) but I do have a tiny section that opens up so I can get some air in. MOSTLY though, I get dirt from the ground come through so I don't open it much. HA! 

I still have my pink dresser from the old house, which fits perfectly under the window. I have odds and ends in here mostly. One drawer is washi tape and sharpies, the other small one is junk I probably don't need. The first big drawer is bookstagram prop things, the second drawer are my cutting board and trimmer, but also some more school work projects for Penelope and Lucy's school books. The bottom drawer are my stamps and stamp sets. I really downsized when we moved and I only kept my favorites and things I use frequently. 

On this section I have all of my young adult books! You'll notice Edward's head is all that survived and he fits perfectly so he stays. I have my books mostly organized by series and then the singles/duets are toward the bottom. The bottom shelf is some homeschool books/worksheets I'm still working on with Pep & Lu, some of their crayons/color books, my high school yearbooks and diploma things. 

The biggest wall/section of books is romance. When we moved Matt told me to downsize because I wouldn't have as much room. So I did that and now I regret it because I could have kept them! I actually do re-read my books. I don't have these alphabetized or anything, but the same author is grouped together, series are in order, and Linda Howard book are always on top. :)

The tail end of the shelf has my favorite picture of me and my friends, and on the floor is my box containing everything medical related for my book. 

I have an L shaped desk and I love it. I've got the world's crappiest printer on the edge, though I think we are saving for a less crappy one. I've been putting my review books there so I have them at the ready when I am doing stuff on the computer. 

The view looking at my desk. I continue to love my free chair so much and Matt made everything the perfect height so I could still use it. I have some artwork I'm making to fill wall space and I have some photos I want to frame to fill that in. I also decided I'm into letters so I have random "S" letters around my room. Also cool? That white cabinet to the right used to be scrapbook storage and since we sold my old desk with drawers, I repurposed that to be desk drawers and it actually works great. 

Alright, so this wall is almost all craft supplies. Matt made me the wall flower to store paint, it's completely made out of plumbing supplies, I believe. 

You'll notice I don't have a ceiling and its because that metal thing is (clearly) lower than the door and when we looked at the options it seemed to be a bigger pain than I wanted to deal with. It was monkey with that or get a laundry sink so I picked laundry sink. Matt still has to put door trim on but I'm not in a hurry. 

OK, so now I'll talk details. 

I bought this book cart at the other house and I had big plans. The little girls took it over for awhile and I agreed to give them the bottom tray. I am using the top two for book stacks I need to photograph, but I think the middle one will end up my scrap paper area so I can see it and use it while I'm working. 

I've still got my rainbow candles! That's a better look at the homeschool work stuff for the girls, too. 

Say hello to Edward. I know you've missed him as much as I did. 

Fun story: when I was little my favorite thing was this Smurfette stuffed animal and I called her Furfy. She is, and will forever be, Furfy. She even has the original pigtails my mom put in there because I took them out when I'd rub her hair too much. I used to rub her hair on the palm of my hand as an anxiety reducer. Anyways. She was in a fire and though she survived, she looks rough. Matt as a young kid had this Papa Smurf. It's his original one so our Smurfs sit on my shelf together, they used to be on my dresser. I found a set of Smurf glasses from the 80s on eBay for less than $20 so I got them. I LOVE THEM. 

These little PinMates come in my Bookworm Box every month and I used to have them in their boxes but it became so bulky so I took them out. They sit on my romance wall staring at the door. 

There's my favorite friend picture. I think this was my 30th birthday, Chicago for St. Patrick's Day? I also have my cup of bookmarks and the edge of my unicorn bunny gnome. 

Ooh.. ok, so my flowers. I sometimes change out this vase I have for bookstagram, or just use flowers in photos. I used to store them in a basket but now that it would sit out on the shelf, it looked kind of junky. I found these baskets on Amazon for cheap and they actually work perfectly. The blue decoration is something I thought looked like mermaid scales and I had used in Penelope's nursery over the rocking chair. I think I got it at the dollar store in the party section. I still just really like it so it is in here. 

So here is more of a close up of my paint flower. If you want to make your own flower (maybe for a teen's room or your living room, whatever) you can find detailed instructions on JenniferMakers blog, she has SO MANY ideas and you legit cannot screw this up. I can see all of my paints which is already so nice. 

I repurposed that pen holder from another cube I had. It is meant for pens but that rectangle could come out of the cube, and that cube broke in the move. Luckily I could still use that and if I want to I can just bring it to the table. Same with my basket. That basket is only temporary, I found a clear box to store the new Stampin! Up ink pads in since they don't fit in the twirly caddy anymore, but this works in the meantime. Normally that's the basket I use for keeping my Christmas card pieces together while I work on them. 

These drawers.... I wanted the Alex drawers from IKEA. The nearest IKEA to me is in Minneapolis/St. Paul and this was happening as everything is shutting down and they would not ship. They didn't do curbside. The only other place I could find them online was Amazon. I ended up buying two of these and somehow in my head thought they were wider. It worked out find because one set holds my punches, glitter, embossing stuff, and the other set is yarn, kid crafty things, and odds and ends. The drawers are GREAT and slide out really nice, highly recommend. 

Those boxes are kits and crafty things I've ordered and haven't had time to put together yet. My twirly caddy for ink pads. Matt even fixed my paper shelves so they aren't droopy or broken from when baby Penelope thought they were ladders, so that's nice. I really, really, really want this, but Matt hasn't had the time and again, we'd have to go to IKEA to get some parts and just not ready to do that yet. 

I have gotten a few handmade cards since we moved and I am keeping them up there because they just make me happy. 

I also have a bunch of art I've received from other friends and bloggers and I have those all around the room. My friend Beverly does amazing dot art and I just love this piece. 

The goat is cross stitched by my friend Rose who used to blog but we're friends on Facebook. Beverly also did the lilacs, which used to be in our downstairs bathroom at the old house but now it is in here. 

And eight or nine year old Olivia made me the rainbows, but I still had it so it's up. I've got a card from Matt, another S that I made prettier, and my award from Duluth Moms Blog a few years ago. 

I have a wedding picture that used to be in our living room but we don't have room for, my planner, the cutest vase full of Smarties, and my metal Dory I found at a vintage store. 

No, I don't have two computers. My laptop (that I love) is dying and Matt is in the process of replacing it with a new computer. I just have the monitor here so I knew how big it would be. 

My little corner of stuff. I have some artwork from Penelope on the wall and my white board is where I keep track of review books that are coming via mail because I often forget. So if a book comes and its on there, I know where to put it. 

I have a drawer of candy. I mean, when a giant fundraiser box of M&M's goes on sale, that is a sign from the universe. 

OK, so my craft table is made of our homemade counter that I talked about above and two of these cabinets from Overstock. If I had to complain about anything, its that the cupboards don't fit a lot, they aren't big enough. The drawers are OK but those would be amazing if they were a little bit wider and deeper. It's not the end of the world because I've made them work just fine. They are screwed to base so its one solid table but could easily be unscrewed if we had to move or whatever. 

You can see how big the work space is, that is a 12x12 piece of paper and I've got a lot of room!

Under the table there is a "middle" area which is where my feet/legs can go when I'm working. I've been sticking two little chairs under there for the little girls. They cannot sit in the chairs and work because they are far too low, but Lucy can stand on one to reach the table. Penelope does too, but she almost ALWAYS falls off so now she just stands on the floor. I also have a piece of cardboard I use when I'm spraying something so I don't get it all over the place so I just store it under there because it fits. 

I normally prefer to come down here by myself to do stuff but every once in awhile the kids make their way down here to do stuff. 

I absolutely LOVE this room and its easily my favorite craft area I've ever had. Its nice to come down here and work on things and its also nice to come down here and do nothing. Just sit. 

OK- that's the tour! I hope you liked it! Let me know if you have any questions and I'll do my very best. Cheers!

Book Review: Let Them Be Kids

I have felt absolutely awful the last couple of days and I have no idea why. Yesterday I took a nap, today I fell asleep out of nowhere after my dentist appointment. Olivia even had to call her dad to come pick her up for work. Thankfully Jackson kept the little girls busy upstairs. Good news, the couch we bought on super clearance in March is actually comfortable to lay on so there's that. 

Let Them Be Kids - Jessica Smartt

As every parent hopes to raise kids with good manners and values, Jessica Smartt’s practical guide fills the gaps of uncertainty and provides tips on how parents can equip their children in purity, faith, and creativity.

Former English teacher and homeschooling mother of three, Jessica Smartt felt the weight of helping prepare her kids for life, especially with all the outside pressures and influence of the world. She struggled with how she could raise her children with a sense of adventure, self-confidence, manners, faith, and the ability to utilize technology wisely.

Let Them Be Kids is Jessica’s offering of grace and confidence to moms, giving them practical ideas to meet these challenges. Her well-researched, tested methods, woven together with her personal stories and witty humor, deliver wisdom on the tough topics of life, such as

family time vs. outside activities,

being “cool” or not,

boredom,

technology usage

sexual purity, and

showing grace when kids disobey.

Part story and part guidebook, every chapter includes doable strategies and encouragement for the journey.

Let Them Be Kids helps moms feel confident and equipped with ways to provide a safe, healthy, Christ-centered childhood for their children. It leads them to conquer fear and find truth that transforms them and their families as it reminds them how to enjoy and cherish the special memory-making moments of building family values together.

I don't know if this book could have come out at a better time, right? We're in the middle of a pandemic and a lot of us moms weren't used to being with our kids 24/7. Maybe they are in school or activities, go to daycare or a play group, maybe we have a sitter that comes so we can go get coffee (alone!) an hour a week. Whatever relief you come to rely on is basically gone and we're having to maintain our sanity but also do something with them. 

I know a lot of parents rely on technology to keep their kids busy and, admittedly, I'm a halfer. The older kids listen to music or a show in the background while they do a puzzle or whatever, and the younger kids get to watch a show or play on their tablet. The nice thing is that with my cognitive issues, I really can't handle noise and things happening, so I don't like the TV on if I'm not actively watching it, but also I don't really like watching TV, so ours isn't on much at all during the day. 

It doesn't matter where you are in your parenting journey, the most dreaded thing to hear is, "Mom!! I'm bored....", am I right? 

I have to tell you that not only is this just a great book to help us get through this time, it is a really great parenting book in general. It does mention the author's faith and speaks of God in areas, but as someone who doesn't consider themselves religious in any way, it didn't bother me at all. I think my most favorite chapter was The Gift of Being Uncool because that is something I see so much of in not just me as a mom but almost every mom I know, we don't want our kid to be uncool. We want them to fit in. Jessica writes on page 79: 

"If you want to give your kids a real gift, give them the freedom to be awkward. Guard them from ridiculous expectations. Let them meander awkwardly into adulthood."

She goes on to three suggestions for doing that: realize your kids are not you, don't be afraid to go against the current, and speak love and like and confidence into your kids. I loved all of these so much. Matt and I are not the world's best parents, we definitely make mistakes every day, thankfully all four of our kids are turning out pretty alright so far. We aren't the parent getting them the latest and greatest of technology, do you think any of them are getting Airpods from us? NOPE. Jackson wants a pair of shoes that are well over $100 and totally ugly and I said he would have to save his own money for them. I could buy them for him but he doesn't need them. Last night he informed me he is half way there. Olivia is saving for her first car and we said we'd match what she could save (to a point) so she got herself a job at age 14. Now, part of me really, really wants to be the cool mom and get those things for my kids because I have friends who do it for their kids and I don't want to be seen as a mean mom. I don't want people to think we're poor. As I list out all of the reasons they all revolve around me, not my kids and not my friends. So I work on that. 

The other chapter I spent a lot of time on was The Gift of Balance that talks about sports and extra-curricular activities. Olivia is in dance, she dances a lot. Jackson does tennis only in the summer. Penelope and Lucy are just starting dance. I know I struggle a lot about this and I know many of my friends do as well. We all want out kids to do well and be recognized for it. We all want people to see how well our child(ren) is/are at whatever the sport is, but our worth as parents is not tied to that. We could be the worst parent ever but our kids might excel. We could be the best parent ever and our kids might just really stink at the sport. The author talks about saying no to some opportunities, and I loved it. Sometimes we say no to practice at ungodly hours of the morning. Or maybe we say no to anything during the week because they have school. Looking at it like what is the realistic goal of this and is it worth it? 

I need to also say I loved her part about failure and how it is better for a kid to fail than it is to win. A win feels good, for a moment, but a fail sticks with you. You learn more from a fail and failing can force you to gain skills winning can't give you, like perseverance. 

Overall, I really liked this book. It definitely isn't something to give to a new parent and tell them this is what you do. I think as we start parenting, this is a good guide, something to look at and think about when you're posed a question you don't know about. Maybe you're wrestling with a decision on how much sport is too much. Maybe you don't know where you stand on sleepovers, this book can give you another perspective that might really fit with you and your family's mission statement. 

Overall? I'd give this one a solid 4 stars. I definitely have some pages tabbed off to think about again and revisit, it is one I'll reference in the future for sure. A huge thank you to TLC Book Tours for having me on this tour, and also Thomas Nelson and Jessica Smartt for mailing a copy to me! 

 

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Book Review: This Time Tomorrow

While this one is listed as a stand alone, it kind of is, but if you read book one it kind of comes together more. Book one is called Reborn Yesterday and I absolutely loved it. Would you believe me if I told you I loved this one even more? I'd give it ten stars if I could. Also the covers for this series? Stunning. I loved the cover for Reborn Yesterday and I absolutely love this one. 

This Time Tomorrow - Tessa Bailey

Roksana, heiress to the vampire slayer throne, has performance anxiety.

She’s supposed to kill Elias, but so far she’s only succeeded in maxing out his credit card. Now her failure to stake the brooding vampire has sent her back to Moscow in disgrace to face her mother’s wrath. Expecting punishment by death, she’s given a rare reprieve. She now has three tasks to complete, the last of which is to finally kill Elias. She will not fail this time.

If only the memories of one magical evening—back when Elias was human, would stop holding her back. He claims to have forgotten that night. Why can’t she? Three years ago, Elias was a SWAT team member on a guy’s weekend in Vegas. Playing poker and minding his own business, his life changed forever when a captivating blonde strolled past his table in a light-up bra. He followed Roksana as if compelled, his very bones demanding he do so, his soul resonating with the belief she would be important to him. Always. That turned out to be a vast understatement—and nothing has changed.

Roksana embarks on her mission, determined to win back her mother’s approval, but when an astonishing truth emerges in the eleventh hour, will her stake pierce the very heart that beats in her honor? Or will love triumph over duty?

You guys..... Roksana and Elias were so much better than I could have imagined. I'm not kidding. I loved Roksana in book one and all of the tension/drama brewing between those two in book one was absolutely worth it. In this book we get more of Roksana's back story and we find out how she became a slayer and why, which actually involves Elias and the day he became Silenced (which is when he became a vampire). 

Elias spent years in love with her since becoming Silenced and he knows that Roksana hates him for what she believes he did but he is convinced if she would just kill him she will feel better after exacting her revenge. She just isn't able to do it and doesn't know why. 

Well, turns out they are mates. (Just like Jonas and Ginny from book one.)

I just... I absolutely loved this story and I wanted them to succeed so badly. While Jonas and Ginny were all sweet, romantic, and gentle in book one.... Elias and Roksana are the absolute opposite. They are rough sex, dirty talking, emotional together and I loved it. 

I always try to give you what I loved about a book and what I didn't love... I can't give you anything that I wish was better. The plot line of vampires vs. slayers continues on except now we have the fae thrown in. Roksana is a hard character and I ended up seeing her in a totally different way, Elias is exactly what I expected but more. I loved the dramatic ending and I loved, loved, LOVED Tucker and who I am 99% sure is his mate. I cannot wait for book three! I love this world Tessa Bailey is crafting and I see exactly where she is going and I'm here for it. I cannot wait for this. 

A massive thank you to Social Butterfly PR and Tessa Bailey for having me on this tour! I said it before and I say it again, if I could give this ten stars I absolutely would. 

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My body is a lemon. What is the lemon law on bodies?

I had an eventful week of doctor appointments, that's for sure. Let's just go appointment by appointment then, how does that sound? 

Psychiatry: I think this may have been my last one with him since he is moving across the country and I am so damn sad about it. Truly, I can't even explain how sad I am without sounding like I'm nuts. This doctor is one of the only ones I trust implicitly. I trust my psychologist too, but she isn't dealing with my prescriptions and stuff, that's talk therapy. My psychiatrist is so damn great and I have trusted him for the last three and a half years to advise me on a lot of things. He always believed me when I said I wanted to die and I wasn't happy. He believes me when I say I really can't do it anymore and I just don't want to traumatize these kids. At the appointment, and I'm glad it was a virtual visit because I hope he couldn't tell I was straight sobbing, he said my greatest obstacle is, and will always be that I'm perceptive, honest, and realistic in understanding my limitations now. That I don't wear rose colored glasses, but I don't curl into a ball helpless. He kept saying I was worthy, I am one of the strongest patients he's had who puts in the work to get better. He said more but honestly by then I was just a damn wreck. If I was in person I probably would have hugged him for dear life and gotten boogers all over him and I'm not even kidding. 

I ended up asking him if he could give me a list of the drugs I've tried that didn't work because I can't find my notebook and at the end of his final note it says, "Med history: Extreme and difficult reactions to Cymbalta, Zoloft, and Lexapro. Failed Strattera, Topamax, Depakote, Nuvigil, Rexulti, Abilify, Vraylar, Modafinil, Ritalin, Adderall IR.". 

So damn. I mean, most of these I had forgotten but this is quite the journey. 

Psychology: I ended up having therapy two days later which was great because I also cried there, too. She doesn't think I'm nuts that I'm so sad and she also totally understands why every day is hard. I was telling someone the other day that being told the happy centers in your brain don't work is one thing, but really understanding what that means is a totally other thing. I thought I understood it years ago but I think I was still in the grieving stages because I was just really angry about it. Angry that people don't GET IT, and no amount of endorphins, exercise, sunshine, oils, sex, whatever is going to fix it. When your brain is busted, it is busted. Now I feel like I'm really accepting it and some days it just makes me sad again. I see photos of me years ago and I look happy. Unapologetically happy and carefree, enjoying life, and now I just feel... here. I guess. I mean, I'm here and that's something I guess. 

It was basically an hour of crying and I can't wait until I can go because I feel like I can't really let it out, you know? 

Gastroenterology: Well I saw him in the morning today and wow, that sucked. So I am still having a ton of issues since having my gall bladder out. Apparently, and none of you are going to be surprised, but I'm in the really small percentage of people who has a body that doesn't adapt well to not having a gall bladder. 

I know I'm not shocked. I'm only shocked we held out hope I'd be normal. 

With all of my issues: the nausea, almost vomiting, diarrhea, bloating, feeling full after a bite or two, etc., I get to do a gastric exit scan. He said I'd be eating a LOT of scrambled eggs with radioactive dye to see how fast I poop it out and basically its journey from eggs to poop. 

Which, isn't that grand? 

I have no idea when this adventure takes place but someone in scheduling is supposed to call me. They are basically trying to see if I have gastroparesis, which sounds awful. It would explain a lot of the issues I've had, so I guess that's something. The doctor said he absolutely wouldn't be shocked if I had it given all of the issues I've had, but also because I have a damaged pituitary gland which means I have no working hormones. Apparently, you need hormones for even your stomach to work and it sounds like it isn't. 

So just a reminder kids, your pituitary gland is important!

Weight Loss: I saw my weight loss doctor in the afternoon, and good news, I am down 31.8 pounds from end of December. I'm officially 174.2 pounds and I have 14 pounds to go for my goal weight of 160. I am pretty happy about it and I am feeling better overall. I definitely breathe easier, my back doesn't hurt at much and just the ability to walk around the entire house without getting winded and exhausted is really nice. Bad news is that he agrees, it sound like I have some kind of gastroparesis and he's concerned about how quickly I seem to be losing weight, like I'm down 9 pounds in a month. So we'll see where I am at when I go back. 

I just feel so damn defeated. On one hand, I'm grateful doctors still give a damn and are trying to figure out what is going on with me. On the other hand, I am so fed up. It is frustrating to think all of the things I deal with were kicked off with my AFE blows my mind. It's frustrating too when doctors blow that off and tell you an AFE is a one time event, it doesn't cause issues later on. Which, I guess it doesn't create havoc forever but it can certainly be a catalyst for things and doctors just don't want to go there. 

Oh well. 

So that's my medical update. If you have information about gastroparesis (or horror stories), let me know. I don't mind knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly, because it at least helps me make a list of questions when I go in. 

Have a good weekend, lambs. 

Book Review: Letters to the Lost

I've kind of been on a young adult kick this summer and I'm OK with it. I've decided I'm going to really try hard (for real this time) to work on my backlist books. I've had this on my list for awhile and I'm glad I jumped it to the top of my pile. 

Letters to the Lost - Brigid Kemmerer

Juliet Young always writes letters to her mother, a world-traveling photojournalist. Even after her mother's death, she leaves letters at her grave. It's the only way Juliet can cope.

Declan Murphy isn't the sort of guy you want to cross. In the midst of his court-ordered community service at the local cemetery, he's trying to escape the demons of his past.

When Declan reads a haunting letter left beside a grave, he can't resist writing back. Soon, he's opening up to a perfect stranger, and their connection is immediate. But neither Declan nor Juliet knows that they're not actually strangers. When life at school interferes with their secret life of letters, sparks will fly as Juliet and Declan discover truths that might tear them apart. 

I am a sucker for written letters and I think there is real power in writing out how you feel so when I read the description of this book I knew I had to read it. I haven't read anything by Brigid Kemmerer before this but it definitely won't be the last. She has amazing writing and you're left feeling the teenage feelings both Declan and Juliet have and you also feel the mom feelings and just want to hug them. 

In this book we have Juliet, her mother died in a tragic car accident and she feels responsible for it. Misguided, but guilty nonetheless. We also have Declan, doing community service for a car accident he caused on purpose for heartbreaking reasons. They each have trouble at home, in different ways but also similar in other ways, and they only know of each other at school. First impressions are everything, right?

In her grief, Juliet visits her mother's grave daily and she has taken to writing her mother letters. Declan, doing his community services sees a letter on this grave one day and has no idea who leaves them. 

That's how this pen-pal relationship begins. 

I loved everything about this book, you guys. I loved each character although they both frustrated me in so many ways because of their lack of communication but also because of the assumptions they make towards other people and their intentions. I loved their independent tragedies, their grief, the teenage angst which is already hard enough without tragic things happening in the midst of it. I love the road to teenage love and also learning to trust themselves again. 

The best way to describe this book is that it was one I raced to finish but also wanted to slow down because I didn't want it to be done. The author did an amazing job crafting this and for that, I have to give it 5 stars. 

 

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