Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Random thoughts from a scattered mind.

I feel like my brain can't stop and focus on one thing but instead ping pongs from thought to thought and it is EXHAUSTING. I feel like I never get a break and I would kill to relax for just an hour. Then on other days it's like my brain is so slow it can't focus on anything. It's like slow moving honey. Or the sloth on Over the Hedge. Or whatever movie that was. See? Brain is malfunctioning. But here are some of the things bouncing around.

1. I have therapy today and I am SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL for therapy. I honest to God would have killed myself long ago if not for my therapy sessions. I need one so badly. I have a lot of things I'm struggling with that I feel ashamed and selfish to admit so I'll do it there. Maybe I'll do it here soon. Maybe.

2. Olivia is done with one of her dance classes at the end of this month and I'm so grateful to have one less thing to do every week.

3. Jackson ran into a book case in the library at school yesterday. He has a HUGE knot on his forehead. I thought around midnight that maybe he has a concussion from that hard of a hit. Is that possible? I have no idea. I didn't do anything about it and he seems alright.

4. I decided yesterday that I am too far gone to effectively parent my younger two children. I'm too tired, I'm too old, I'm too broken to give them the parenting I need to. I'm really struggling with that.

5. Yesterday I cried over spilled milk. The irony is not lost on me. Penelope spilled her milk all over the floor and as I'm trying to clean it, realizing it's going under the baseboards, I started crying and declared that I hate my life. And I really do. I hate my life so much. I should never have had more than two kids. I should not have done it and I regret it daily.

6. I can regret my decision and still love my kids.

7. I know my depression is ramping up because I've hardly been reading lately. I'm going to force myself to work on a book tonight that I'm like half through, but I have no idea if I'll be able to retain the story at all.

8. I've been invited to a whole load of things and outings in the last 24 hours and I've turned down almost all of them. I feel badly but I know it's better to turn something down than not show up when you're expected. I'm on a day to day thing right now, I don't know how I'm going to feel.

9. I need sunshine. Badly. I have every urge in my body to max out every credit card I have to go somewhere warm and sunny but I won't. We can't afford it and I know that. We have a lot of medical bills rolling in and those have to get paid before we can do anything. Bright side is I hit my medical insurance deductible for the year... holla!

10. Why aren't birds coming to my bird feeder? I have food! Come to my stupid feeder.

11. I want a sunny day so I can vaccuum out my car. I haven't blogged about my new car, have I? I'll have to take pictures and do that, even though I've had this since right before Halloween. I love it. It's SO MUCH BETTER than my stupid mini van.

12. My cats are fighting. I'm sick of it.

13. I submitted my second article for the Duluth Moms Blog and my first one was shared by Denver Metro Blog, that's pretty cool. And I met another survivor, which is also cool.

14. My house is over run with toys. I have to get rid of some and figure out how to store big ones. It's making me anxious having them everywhere.

15. I miss my friends. I miss being fun and cool.

16. I need new running shoes.

17. I bought new sandals. I'm not sure if I like them. Damn you, Zulily.

18. I am 100% sick of the movie Frozen. I hate it. I hate it so much.

19. Why am I not sleeping? I wish I could take a nap today. I'm going to be so sleepy at therapy, aren't I?

20. The bright side is Matt and I are in the best spot in our relationship we've been in for a long time. I guess dying and coming back broken is helpful to our marriage. I'm grateful that he understands where I'm at and doesn't push me to do more because I can't. I'm barely treading water as it is.


Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

My brain usually jumps around from one thing to another which can be so frustrating at times

Shooting Stars Mag said...

This is why I can't sleep sometimes - my brain will not turn off. I hope that therapy went well yesterday, and it's great that you have it and you like your therapist so much.

Yeah, you can definitely regret having kids but still LOVE your kids. I hate that you feel like you can't be a good mom though. It's just a different sort of mom, you know?

And it's great that you and Matt are in a good place. I'm happy to hear that.