Monday, April 9, 2018

The Worst Weekend... in awhile.

I almost didn't write about this weekend because it's embarrassing. I haven't had time to process it, or talk to my therapist about it, but this is the reality of my life. These things happen now and I can take every precaution possible and they will still happen. 

I think I talked last week about being switched around on my depression medication and I'm still in the process of that so that means my emotions and feelings are basically all over the place. I have some other medications to help, I have calm down tactics to turn to when things get tough, and I'm not without help but sometimes it's hard for me to resort to them. 


Because I'm really angry that I even need any of that. I am angry that I had an AFE with a pregnancy I didn't want or was prepared for. I am angry that my life has been changed so dramatically that all of the HARD work I put in for years to better myself was thrown out the window in a blink. I am angry that I have become a weak bitch. 

There. I said it. I really hate myself, I really hate the shit mother I have become, and I am having a hard time living life like this. I can tell you I feel this way 100% of the time, just my medications normally mask it and I can fake it better. This weekend? Not so much. 

This weekend was Olivia's last dance competition for this year. She was really excited and I was excited for her. We got up early to make the almost three hour drive to Eden Prairie, Minnesota in time for her to stretch, practice, and get her hair and makeup done. 
 Did that. Took a quick selfie while we waited for others to show up because we were the first ones there. We were having a good time, and by the time other families showed up I was feeling alright. I wasn't great, but I felt like I was faking it pretty well. 

The girls went to do their first dance, and I thought they did a great job. They were in a large division and it looked like they were all having fun and that's all that matters to me. 
They didn't place again so I could tell they were disappointed, but Olivia told me she had a lot of fun, so I was fine with the result. We aren't going to win, we're going to have fun with friends. Everything else is just a bonus. 

Then there was a five hour break until our next dance and all of the other families were leaving and finding something to do. I hadn't planned on that and what I can't do anymore is go with the flow. I have to have a concrete plan, I have to mentally get ready for it, and I have to have a back up plan. I can't just drive around and hope to find something, I have to have a destination already picked out ahead of time. The pressure of having to be back in five hours, plus find parking, I just couldn't risk it. I knew we had to stay... and sit on the floor for five hours. I knew I would be in screaming pain by the end of five hours, I knew we'd likely be eating vending machine food for dinner, and I knew we'd be alone. 

I started crying. 

At first it was just a few tears and I thought I would be able to hide it. Then they started coming faster and I was getting a panicky feeling in my chest. My hands were tingling and I had an urge to run, run as fast as I possibly can. I just wanted to full out sob and lay down but I couldn't. I was avoiding eye contact because I knew I would really lose it if I did. People were asking me what's wrong and how do you explain you're crazy? You're a mental case who probably needs psychiatric care right now? How do I explain that this isn't cause for concern because this is my every day life. People see my Facebook feed and assume I'm doing OK for the most part, a couple of rough days here and there, but no- this is every day of my life. At some point every day I get overwhelmed and I can't do it. The thoughts that I should kill myself are loud and are on a continuous loop in my head. It's a terrifying place to be in as it is, but this weekend I did it in front of people and my daughter. 

Kudos for Olivia because once everyone left she says that we can sit there for as long as I want and that she didn't care if we weren't going anywhere. 

Bless her damn heart. Seriously. 

The five hours went about as slow as you can imagine and I didn't get any better. I was able to not cry the entire time, but I didn't feel great and mentally I was done. I was completely done. 

I sat, alone, in the auditorium waiting for her to dance again. I sat in the dark and kept to myself. I was so proud of Olivia, she did so well the second time and I think they should have at least gotten third place but were beat by a bunch of seventeen year old girls shaking their butts and boobs around and a bunch of girls twelve and under can't compete with that. Again, they were disappointed but I didn't even stick around to get another group photo. Freedom was imminent and we hustled out that door as fast as I could. 

So I could cry in the car some more, of course. 

We didn't get home until almost 11:30 at night and I had a ton of thinking time in the car since my road buddy fell asleep almost immediately. I thought about how differently this weekend would have been like had I not had the AFE, I thought about how I am so tired of being dependent on medication to stay alive in more ways than one. I'm tired of feeling like garbage, in more ways than one. I'm just tired. 


Why Girls Are Weird said...

I have nothing to say that will make this any better. But you are always in my thoughts. If you ever need to talk, you can reach out. I can't pretend to know what you're going through but if you just want to vent, I'm here.

Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

I send you so much love. And if you are ever in the cities again and find yourself unexpectedly with time on your hands, let me know. I'd come sit on the floor with you and hold your hand. I might not know what to say but I'd make sure you weren't alone. I'm in Minneapolis, just so you know. Love to you.

Kimberly said...

I am so glad that I had stumbled upon your blog post today. I want to say that I am sorry that you're feeling like this and for what you had gone through.
You are a good mom despite what your brain is telling you. Trust me.
I have bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder and am going through a really bad time right now. While I'm not walking your specific path, I just know the ache, the uncertainty, the feelings of it all.
I'm sending you so much love and please know that my email is always open. I can listen - xoxxoxox
You're doing great. You're going to push through this. I know you will.
And your daughter is some kind of wonderful. xoxox

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I'm so sorry, Sara. I know there's nothing any of us can really say or do, and I'm sorry to hear you have these moments every day. I know what it's like to be anxious and depressed, but I can't imagine how much you have to deal with. Olivia is wonderful; she knows you're doing what you can, and that makes you a great mother. A lot of moms out there aren't dealing with anything close to what you are and they STILL don't care. I wish I lived closer...but if you ever need anything or just want to yell at the world, you can email.


Amy said...

It's hard for me to ready about your struggle. I feel bad knowing how the old you had her life in such order and the new you isn't so lucky. Here is my two cents. We out here are so glad that you are here for us to read about. You made it. You have a beautiful little girl to show for it. You lived. Four little faces and a big guy are thankful that you made it. I know life it very different for you and it makes you angry.

I did not go through what you did but I do take meds to keep myself from jumping off a bridge. On top of that, I have a very slight (in comparison to what you went through) brain impediment that causes me to ask somebody every single day what day it is. I get it. I used to be on top of my shit too.

I can't make it better for you, but I can tell you that you are needed, wanted and loved, no matter how "together" you think you are. You are just different now. Just an idea for you to think about in the future. I would assume that hubby can't go to everything especially when he needs to watch the other kids, but maybe you can invite a friend to go on trips like the dance competition with you. If I was there, I would love to go to a dance competition. Maybe having someone there with you to talk to or just to be your "clear" head when you need it. Just a thought.

I think about you often and wish you well. Squeeze all those babies every time you need a reminder of how much you are loved! Love, Amy

mypixieblog said...

Oh, man alive. I can relate to this. I mean, the feelings are similar, the situations obviously very different... but I just want to say how much I care about you and how proud I am of you for posting this and putting this stuff out there. THAT takes some balls, and I don't care what you say but putting on a show and faking it until you make it? That is exhausting. You owe it to yourself to acknowledge all the hard work and effort you put in to show up and be there for your daughter. Because you know what? You SAT ON A FRIGGIN FLOOR and cried in front of strangers, and if that doesn't show commitment and chutzpah, then I don't know what does.

I am here. Whenever you need to talk or vent or just get it off your chest. Sometimes that helps. Actually, that always helps, I find :) But I want you to know that I feel you and think you are such a remarkable human being and mother. XOXOX

Kim {Hope Whispers} said...

I wish there was a way to take it all away for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. The fact that your daughter can be so understanding at that moment is proof that despite how you feel you are doing, you are doing it, and you are doing it right. I want to say just keep swimming and try to keep your chin up but I know personally that its so much easier said than done. So instead I will tell you that you are loved and you have so many people here for you. Myself included. Sending great big hugs!

The Flynnigans said...

Krysten commented, whattttt? Lol. Wow.

What a long, tough day for you. You have one seriously awesome daughter. How sweet and concerned of her to say what she did when you were so upset. You’ve raised such a good kid.

I hate reading how much and how awful this shit has affected you and changed your life. It isn’t fair, it isn’t fair at all.

No matter what, you’ve got people that love you and are here for you as much as you want them to be. We love you Sara and wish the world that you didn’t get an AFE. :(. Sending love and hugs my friend. xoxox

Julie H said...

I'm always amazed when you do things like this on your own. Can you get your mom to come with you for things like this? I think you need to bring someone with you. I'm glad Olivia had a good time. She is a such a cutie