Monday, November 19, 2018

Weight Loss Challenge, episode 4 (vlog included!)

Before we talk about the weight loss, I wanted to share with you my latest contribution to the Duluth Moms Blog! This month I'm talking about my disdain for Thanksgiving, which I know I've mentioned quite a bit on my blog in previous years. Appropriate for this week, right?


So I really briefly mentioned my stomach issues in my vlog. I've been having issues consistently since my AFE, and nobody knows why. Every doctor has said they don't know, so ask a different doctor. It went right down the line until the last person was like, "Maybe you should see a gastroenterologist" and they sent me there. I went, I had every test, lab, scan, whatever I could have and they found things, but nothing conclusive. 

I had my follow up last week and the guy, as nice as he is, legitimately has NO idea what's wrong with me. Has no idea where to refer me. The problem is that I have a lot of the markers for several different things, but not enough markers to definitively say I have a specific thing. He totally believes me that I'm in pain and when he presses on my midsection I basically howl and I almost kicked him. The plan right now is to keep me on the anti-heartburn medication (I forget the better name for that) because of the Barrett's Esophagus so that it doesn't turn into a larger (ie. cancerous) problem, and he's going to research some more. I'm going to ask my endocrinologist if he thinks this is a sign of worsening adrenal insufficiency or something, because I see him this week. I also have my physical tomorrow so I'll ask her too. 

Another challenge I'm facing is my depression. I've always had depression in some capacity but I've always been able to work through it, around it, over it, whatever I had to do to keep it moving. I no longer have that ability anymore. I've gotten really good at faking it, putting on a good face, and being a good trooper because that's my job as a person in the world. I've been raised to not get down, to not feel sorry for myself, know that nobody actually cares about my problems, etc. And that was fine for a lot of years.

It isn't anymore. 

I'm really struggling with that. I'm pretty good in the morning and I'm fine through lunch. It seems like consistently every day after I put Penelope and Lucy in for a nap, I can feel my mood go down. My ambition leaves. It feels like a dark cloud moves right over me and I do one of two things- I either go downstairs and snack and watch VH1 reality shows or I go in my room for a nap and cry until I'm asleep. Either way, by late afternoon I'm DONE. I'm in a foul mood, I can't handle anyone talking or crying, I don't want to get snacks or drinks, I'm dying for Matt to get home. Then he does and I'm so irrational and angry and then I feel terrible because I know nobody in that house is getting the best of me. It's very much Jekyll/Hyde and I hate it. I cannot even control it because I don't realize until long after what I've done. I've said hurtful things, I've thrown things, I'm taking my depression out on people. It's exhausting. I'm constantly apologizing for things and I'm always wondering- at what point does this get to be too much? At some point me being gone has to be easier than dealing with this volatility and unpredictability every day. 

I don't know. 

In the meantime, I'll just try to work out when I can. I have my one mile Gobble Gallop on Thursday. I'm going to really push myself to do something this week. 

In other news- Matt and I argued whether a chicken has a vagina. Go ahead and Google it, but I'll let you know that I was RIGHT. Obviously. 

2 comments:

Julie H said...

Of course you were!

And no, it's never going to be better with you gone.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I agree with Julie - no, it's never going to be better with you gone. But I know depression is like that. It likes to lie, and if it's so constant, I'm sure it doesn't even feel like a lie...but it is! I'm sorry that nothing has really helped it get better though. Is your mom still helping you with the girls? Or are you alone all day with them?

I hope your doctors can figure out the stomach issues. I HATE having problems that doctors just do not know what to do with. I have an endo appointment tomorrow, so we'll see what's up with that.

-Lauren
www.shootingstarsmag.net