Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Disappointment, Depression, Diet.

I know I haven't blogged in a few days and I wish I could say it's because I have so much going on I just couldn't squeeze it in. In a way, that's true.

Mostly though, it's just depression.

It's kicking my ass. My irritability is at an all time high. I feel like I'm walking a tight rope between looking fine and falling all the way apart. I constantly feel like the littlest thing could happen and send me into an emotional spiral of never ending crying.

I'm trying really hard to be cheerful and I really hate that this seems to happen this time of year because this is my favorite time of year. I hate that while depression has ruined a lot of my life it's now taking the one holiday I really, really love.

Why can't I have just one thing?
In other news, I finally went to the weight loss doctor. I'm sure I've talked about this months ago but it's finally happened and I learned a lot. The bare facts:

  • I'm 206.1 pounds, 40% body fat. (No surprise there, I knew all of that)
  • My goal weight is 160 pounds, 20% body fat (this is actually reassuring because that's where I was at before Penelope and I felt pretty good about things so I felt good knowing I wasn't aiming for something crazy like 120 or something)
  • I'm an apple shape and apple are better than pears BECAUSE apples genetically can lose weight doing light/moderate exercise whereas pears have to really go hard in the gym. It's just how a body works, and it's weird but I like being an apple. 
  • My visceral fat is 11, and that puts me in the "high" category. Between the visceral fat information and all of the lab work I had done, he's very concerned about me and diabetes. It's not my blood sugar necessarily, but my body is clearly not processing, absorbing, or breaking down anything normally so he said my primary concern needs to be this.  

I came away with a new pill, Metformin, and so far I'm tolerating it OK. I'm astounded at how huge it is so THAT's fun to take every day. Pretty soon I'll have to take it twice a day. Goody.

The plan is for me to get 30-60 minutes of exercise every day over and above what I normally do for activity in a day, nothing crazy. He doesn't even care what I do, he just wants activity.

My new diet? It's called the "Measuring Cup Free Diet" and it's pretty much just portion control. He spent a lot of time doing math with me to figure out what I need to (hopefully) help my body function more normally.

  • 75 grams of protein, spread out over the day. I can have a protein shake or a protein bar but he showed me how to tell if the bar is actually any good for me, and told me to not get a shake at the local shake places, I have to make my own. There are too many other additives and things in those that would make it basically useless for me. So, that sucks because I'm scared of my blender so YAY. 
  • 4 servings of vegetables. A DAY. If you know me at all you know I hate vegetables and I'm already really struggling on this. 
  • 3 servings of fruit. Again, barf. 
  • 2 servings of starch... which is the worst. I can have one piece of bread, 1/3 cup of cooked pasta or rice, and 1/2 cup of cereal. Only one of those a day. I'M GOING TO DIE. 
  • 1 serving of dairy. Which I'm OK with because I'm not big on dairy, but it's only one slice of cheese. I mean, I love cheese. 
The plan is food journal EVERYTHING and I'm on day three and I hate it. I'm sure it'll get easier. My limit is like 1700 calories or something, and I'm finding I'm ending up with left over calories every day, so at least I'm doing well there. It's the protein that's going to kill me. That and vegetables. I think I can swing the fruit if I have to. But vegetables are gross. Barf. 

I'm only allowed to lose 1-3 pounds a week. If I'm losing more he's concerned something isn't functioning the way it should so we would do labs and see what's going on and make adjustments. Same if I'm not moving anywhere. So I'm optimistic. He's very nice, he made it clear he isn't going to lecture or shame me and said he 100% understands why I haven't lost weight, I'm fighting genetics and a hormonal system that doesn't work. 

Oh! And I learned that just because you take replacement hormones, that doesn't make up for the real thing to the rest of your hormones. My blood looks normal but my organs are functioning as if they have no hormones bossing them around, so things are kind haywire. It's like leaving a bunch of toddlers with no supervision in a kitchen. Basically. 

So we'll see. Best case scenario, this time next year I might look and feel totally different. 


Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

One step at a time. A friend of mine just started on Metformin and she's been feeling really awful, so I'm glad you are tolerating it well so far. This is just a hard time of year as wonderful as it can be. Sending you love and strength.

Shooting Stars Mag said...

I'm so glad your doctor is nice and doesn't shame you - that's really not productive, but some doctors aren't great about that. If you figure out a protein shake you like to make, please let me know!! I'm eating protein bars most days for breakfast and lunch, but I feel like I need something with MORE protein and to keep me fuller longer. I really don't like most veggies, so that's difficult for me. I need to find ways to hide it in food or something - like they do for kids. LOL We can do it!! Your goal weight is around mine too, so we have about the same amount to lose. Let's be weight loss buddies!