Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Know You Care

While driving a few weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite albums of all time, Ellie Goulding's Halycon and I thought.. maybe I should do posts about songs that hit home for me and maybe tell the background why. Lord knows that album is like me, my story, everything. I can identify with it all and I could probably do posts every day about what those songs remind me of. But I'll start with this song and go from there.

I Know You Care

Matt and I will have been married for ten years in June. It's a huge feat and I don't care what anyone says. It's huge. Anyone who knows our story and what we've been through will agree- not many thought we'd make to this point.

And sometimes? Sometimes I don't know how we will either. Sometimes I don't know why I stay and other times I can't imagine being anywhere else.

Because for every awful thing I've dealt with, for every night I cry alone in the far corners of the house, for every time I have felt unappreciated, unloved, and more- there are other times where I look at him and I can't imagine not being with him. I look at him and I remember the young man when we started dating and how I had felt like I had finally met The One. Like finally I had someone who would care for me, be my rock, and never let me feel anything less than cherished.

I know he cares. I know he does. I can look at him and I can tell he cares but doesn't know what to do. So he does nothing. Sometimes I look at him and I can tell something is wrong, the other shoe is going to drop and he doesn't have the balls to tell me in an attempt to save himself. Sometimes I think he does this because he knows I'm strong enough to handle anything and while that's comforting to think he sees me like that, it also angers me because I have a right to not be surprised by bad things. I have a right to be told by my husband and not others.

I remember when we were just dating, and even just married- I would anxiously await for him to come home like a child. I would squeal and practically run him over. Weekends spent in bed were the life and I took it all for granted. Because I didn't know that my heart would be broken, that he would become complacent and take me for granted and I didn't know that staying in love was so hard. Because it is hard. It's really hard when it's one hardship after another and you're dealing with horrible depression and nobody tells you this.

But I still hope that someday, someday my Matt will come around. He will see what he's done to me as a person and care. I hope that someday he'll turn around and just be the same Matt he was when we were 20 and 22 and he was on bended knee telling me how important I was to him and how he didn't want a life without me. It's like he's trapped in a glass box and he wants to do better but can't figure out how to get out. Because I can see it in his eyes- he does love me. He does care. He does want to be everything I need but he's stuck inside. That's what depression does to a person. It's really awful. It's really awful to watch in someone you love so much.

Maybe the worst part, is knowing that I could do better. I could find someone who wouldn't leave me to cry alone in the dark, but that I wouldn't leave. I couldn't leave him because he would be worse off and I can't do that to him because he means too much to me. I can't be that selfish, and it's ironic because he is so selfish. But two wrongs never make a right so I'm here.


Anna said...

As someone with depression, I can tell you he most likely tries to be anything BUT selfish. However, when you're struggling so hard to just stay afloat, it ends up seeming that way. I often recognize that I am being selfish, but in reality, I'm just trying really hard to stay semi-functional - hold down a job, pay my mortgage, take care of myself and my pets, etc.

Ruth said...

Sometimes I don't know how my husband and I keep going. But, we do. I can't say without a doubt that Matt will change. But, I have seen my guy say and do things that I would never have imagined he'd do 10 years ago. He says he is sorry which he never did before. For anything. Just one example. But, it's a biggie!

Kattrina said...

You know, we are so similar it's scary. I am so glad we were matched up as pen pals so long ago, otherwise I would never have met you. I feel like my marriage is super similar to yours - it sounds exactly the same. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, so I thought I'd let you know that you're not alone either.

Steff said...

It seems like everyone around me is either in your situation or simply getting divorce, and as someone who has only been married two years, (together for 6) it scares me! It makes me feel like all marriages are doomed. But your determination is inspiring. Before I go married I was having a hard time with my now husband, so I moved in with my grandparents for a month to get away from the relationship and evaluate myself. I talked to my grandparents about how I loved him so much, but at the moment I just didn't like him. They asked why I wanted to be with him in the first place, and if I thought that person was still who he was. Of course I said he was! My grandparents, who have been married for 45 years, told me that there are times when you simply don't like the person you are with, but if you stick with them and remind yourself why you loved them, things would get good again. My grandma said sometimes it could be weeks, or sometimes it would be years, but eventually the relationship turns around. I think that's the best advice I've ever gotten and days when I simply don't like my husband, I remind myself that someday, I will again! Fortunately, it only lasts a day or two now, but hopefully it's something I'll remember if it's ever longer than that.

Julie H said...

I used to feel that way a lot. It's odd but now I don't feel that way at all. Like EVER. It all kind of coincides with my starting Lose It, sticking to it (for the most part) and doing my running and going to the gym and stuff. I don't know why that made everything change for me. Maybe I was a touch depressed myself? I think maybe I have empowered myself? I'm not exactly sure but the change came from me, I know that.