Friday, January 16, 2015

Pregnancy depression update

Yes, I realize that last night I gave you an update on what pregnancy is like at 24 weeks, but I failed to mention depression. Just like I said I would, I did ask about it and what I should be doing. I'm being as proactive as I can because I know what it's like to be that depressed with a new baby and I really don't want to go there again. I really don't think it would be good for any of us.

So it comes down to yes, I could take a few different anti-depressants now and it would be totally fine for me and baby. After talking about it, I'm deciding to hold off for as long as I can. Mostly because while it's safe for baby and I, I'd like to not take something I don't absolutely need right now. I can still function and I'm not suicidal or crying non stop. Things aren't in crisis mode. They are in like, pre-crisis mode. I feel like I can manage what I'm already doing a little longer. I'm thinking maybe when I'm six weeks from my due date, maybe I'll start them then just so I'm not dealing with acclimating to a new medication immediately after birth.

But other than that, things really aren't better. They certainly aren't worse, thankfully. I get very frustrated with myself when I feel like this because I feel like I should just snap out of it. I fully understand it has everything to do with brain chemistry and biological things, but it doesn't mean I don't get impatient with myself. I do know that so long as I have my lists and I can keep plugging through them, it keeps me busy enough where I don't have times to wallow and get sad for no damn reason.

You know I worry about my kids every being this way. Between me and my issues, and Matt and his issues, I feel like I've doomed them to a life of depression and anxiety. It's kind of a terrible feeling, to be honest. But I'm trying to be upbeat and not be sad around them. I don't want them to think there is something wrong with me. At the end of every day, I feel like this weight just settles right on my chest. I get them all tucked in, stories read, and as I walk down the hall from their rooms it's like a cloud settles right on me. I'm trying to just ignore it and carry on, act perky and upbeat, and honestly- if this would qualify me for an Emmy, I'd have one by now.

So that's the plan. I'm going to keep plugging on for now and then probably start medication around week 32. That's not so far away, really. I'll be OK. Then hopefully once Penelope comes I'll be OK. I just really don't want post partum depression. I just don't know if I could handle that at all again. That was really one of the lowest points in my life and I feel like I missed so much in Olivia's first year. And after having Jackson, it was really obvious all that I lost. So here's hoping things get better. Or at least a little easier.

But you know what IS surprising to me? Is that I am exhausted. Every day, all day. I don't know if it's just the stage of pregnancy or if it's depression related. Which is annoying. But I am barely getting out of bed in the morning, I'm going to bed early every day, and even still, I feel like if I could just take a five hour nap during the day I would be just dandy. But no, I can't do that. *sigh*

Do you have any experience with depression during pregnancy? What helped you cope?

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