Friday, March 13, 2015

32 weeks, cue depression and hugeness.

So this week I am officially 32 weeks pregnant, leaving me with eight weeks until my due date. Which means I'm supposed to be feeling larger, baby should be growing just fine, and apparently- exhaustion should be my largest complaint.

And oh, is it. I can't even tell you how exhausted I am. I can't verbalize what it's like to feel like peeing is physically exhausting and renders me in need of a nap, but that's basically the scene in the Strand household.

32 weeks

Physically, other than being exhausted, nothing feels different. My pelvis feels like it's totally separated. It doesn't hurt to walk as much but if I'm laying down and need to get up, moving my legs really hurts my whole crotch area. I do find myself tiring out a lot faster with regular activities so I'm taking a lot of breaks and it makes me feel like a total slacker. 

I am now at the same weight/size I was when I had both Olivia and Jackson. I have eight weeks to go, let that sink in. I've had a couple of people recently ask me if I was "due any day" or if I was having twins. Usually I just say, "Yup- any day!" and make no mention of my May due date. And if I get the twins comment, I usually say, "Nope- just one!" but then you get the "maybe you should slow your roll on dinner" look. Which is another thing, I'm not eating more calories than I would if I wasn't pregnant. I genuinely have zero appetite. I get weird cravings at bizarre times, but that's it. It's not like I'm going to make spaghetti at 9pm, I usually ignore it and it's fine. So I'm certainly not feeling like I'm eating for two at all. Most meal times go by and I'm very much take it or leave it. I could care less if I eat or not. 

My boobs are certainly heavier. I'm now in the battle of underwire or no wire. Underwire hurts like a mother, but no wire means my boobs are basically in a free fall with no support and then hurt. So right now I'm doing an every other day thing.

Penelope is so active. And by "so active" I mean she is violent. She kicks so hard that sometimes it takes my breath away. I told my friend Shirley I really feel like Bella at the end of Breaking Dawn because Penelope is just at it all of the time. I feel like you would after a really intense ab day at the gym, where it hurts to sit or bend over because you know you worked your muscles over good. Except I know I'll get no  muscular benefit from all of this kicking, so that a downer. 

Probably the most notable addition to the symptoms this week is depression. I have been pretty vocal about my struggle with postpartum depression after Olivia was born, so for me, I'm not surprised. The irony is that I was ecstatic to become a mom and yet afterwards I have never felt so awful in my life. Then when I had Jackson, I had every reason in the world to be depressed about the state of my life, given I wasn't sure if Matt and I were divorcing, he lost his job, we were going through bankruptcy, and more, yet I had never been happier than I was when I brought Jackson home. And maybe it's girls. Maybe they suck the life right out of me, who knows. But I find myself crying a lot for no reason. Some of it genuinely just is hormonal, but I feel like I can tell the difference between hormones raging and genuine depression. 

To be honest, I'm pretty scared. I went for my 32 week check yesterday and all is well, but I didn't mention depression because I had both Olivia and Jackson with me. I didn't want to talk about things that might be scary to them like, "I feel like crying in bed all day", "I've lost all desire to take care of my family", "some days I just want to run away" and the like. No kid needs to hear their mom say that. So my next appointment is in two weeks and I'm going to bring it up. I feel like if I don't have a game plan before she's born, I'm going to be a mess after she's born. I can only fake it for so long. 


The Flynnigans said...

There were parts where I chuckled (free fall boobs LMAO) reading this post but there were also times where I grimaced and made sad faces.

Coming from someone that comes in and out of depression every few years, do take care of yourself and don't try and shove it under the rug. You don't need or deserve to do that to yourself. Hormones are a bitch. No I don't have kids but I've had whacko hormones in my time. Not to mention STRESS can do some wicked shit to you.

Don't be so hard on yourself and try to be more gentle and kind to yourself. You've been through and are going through a lot and you're juggling a ton of things and wearing many hats in the household.

I seriously want to go back and read back from day one when you started this blog but I don't have enough time. I seriously do look forward to learning more about you. ;)


Unknown said...

You are almost there, girl! Make sure you do everything you can to take care of yourself in these last few weeks, and see if you can get some help. Depression can be a scary thing. I went through it hard-core after the twins were born and in retrospect it's a big, black, dark time in my memory. I wonder if the doctor can recommend herbal remedies?

Ruth said...

Poor you.Babies have been known to cause internal bruising from kicking so much. My niece's sister-in-law had one of her ribs broken from a baby kick. Ouch!
I remember being told by a nurse I looked seven months pregnant when I was only 5. Makes one feel all warm and fuzzy.
When I look back, I think I may have have PPD. I just went through the motions, but didn't feel as bonded to my child as I should probably have.
Take care.

jn said...

Hey deary.....It's just the mother hen, checking in. I know we only have met a few times, but you should know you can call me !! I would help you out in any way I can. You are going thru alot right now. I'm glad you have the blog so you can unload. Hopefully it helps. Now about that have to let your dr. know. Be prepared...that's what I say. When I had my third, I was terrified. Would it happen again? What if it was worse? My dr. was with me all the way. We weren't going to let it grab me again. Guess depression !! Amazing ! None after the 4th either. So it can go both ways. Once PPD does not mean always PPD.
You take care. I know Andrea will keep me posted.

thotlady said...

Good idea to bring the depression up with your doctor.

You should have some kind of signal to your husband, like a password.

Password = tonight I am going to need you to carry the brunt of the parenting. Then the kids won't know and Matt will be forewarned.

And the password can't be "Help", make it something clever, like "I love you more than life itself", then you kill two birds with one stone, he feels great and you get the added help you need.