Monday, July 29, 2019

Weight Loss Monday: Hard realizations and truths.

I won't even lie, last week sucked. Last week sucked in a lot of ways and had some bright spots too, but for the most part..... it sucked.

Good news is that we had Lucy's speech appointment and she's going to keep getting speech services during the upcoming school year. That appointment was definitely the only highlight of the week for me.

The next day I had my psychiatry appointment, which I had been looking forward to, because it had been 12 weeks since my previous appointment so I felt like this might just be a check in. Maybe just a "increase the dose of Ritalin" appointment because the dose I was on (which was variable, I had a range that I could stay within, depending on my level of exhaustion for the day- so take more if I'm WAY tired and take less if I'm only a little tired).
Instead he explained that you can't just "take more" and it'll work better. I was at the top of the allowed dosage so if it wasn't working, and I felt no change in my level of tired, and I didn't feel any more alert and I didn't have any more energy to do stuff then the next logical step would be to change my medication.

And I knew this. I knew this, and I knew that it might come to this. The next stop on this track is Adderall. Now, do NOT misunderstand me- I understand the need for medication in the treatment of mental illness. I get it, I know it, I'm OK with it. I'm no longer in the "I don't need or want medications" camp because I'm not an idiot, I know that I need these. I am far beyond what nature, exercise, essential oils, chiropractors, yoga, CBD oil, etc can do. I have actual brain damage and I understand that now. I'm OK with it.

But Adderall always scared me. It's always been on the list of medications on my ladder. I have exhausted all of the other options that are in my "OK" list on my GeneSight test. I have done everything right and gone through the side effects and withstood the really horrible days where I wondered why I'm even doing this. But Adderall feels like a failure. Like I'm admitting defeat and I don't know why. I don't know why this one bothers me so much.

Matt picked it up on Thursday and I haven't taken it yet. I will. Probably not this week, if we're being honest.

On Thursday I had to do labs for endocrinology to see what's what. Most of my levels were pretty OK and that's good and normal. A couple of them were a little high.... indicating that I am close to the diabetes fan club and that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I will stave myself if I have to but being diabetic is not going to happen. Also, I have too much chloride and something else which indicates I'm not getting enough oxygen. Common causes are sleep apnea (have that, but I also have a CPAP machine) and obesity. Which.... guilty. He reiterated that I have to lose weight. It will help the diabetes thing and now the breathing thing.
So that's fun, being told that great, you're walking and that's awesome but also DO MORE RIGHT NOW AND TRY HARDER. So I continue walking. The heat is killing me and I am really struggling with fitness in the heat. I'm going to have to increase myself to two miles because obviously one mile isn't doing the job even though I feel like a sweaty mess after it. I'm going to have to try doing home work outs too. Maybe I can do something in the morning and walk after dinner. I don't know. I'm stressed out and over it all.


Shann Eva said...

Ugh. I'm sorry. I know that's not helpful at all. I will say, however, that I can exercise a ton, and still not lose weight. It's all about what I eat. I thought I was eating OK, and then I started counting the calories, and it was crazy how much more I was actually eating. You may not be the same, but just wanted to give you something, in case the exercise gets to be too much. I'm not saying to stop exercising, because it has way more benefits than weight loss. Anyways, feel free to message me any time if that made any sense at all.

mypixieblog said...

YOU GOT THIS. I seriously think you don't give yourself enough credit for all that you ARE doing. One mile a day in this heat is a lot for anyone, and I think that alone deserves a pat on the back. And now you want to up it to two which I think is amazing and overachieving and pretty kickass. SO I hope you realize all of those things about yourself because you are amazing and overachieving and pretty kickass :) Also I totally get what you mean re: adderal, because I always thought the same about it. At the end of the day though, sometimes you need the big gazongas. And the most important is that you FEEL good about yourself and just know I'm sending all of these <3 <3 <3

Beth (Coffee Until Cocktails) said...

I'm still super impressed by how much you are getting out on these hot days. You are a rockstar. Keep on keeping on. You totally got this.

Kismaslife said...

I love your outlook on your journey and all I will add is that you have to be careful to be in this heat so you are doing fabulous. Be careful and stay hydrated!

Shooting Stars Mag said...

Yeah, it's rough when you're trying so hard and it just doesn't feel like enough. I know I need to eat better, and move more, and sometimes it just doesn't seem possible. I think you're doing awesome though, and like Shann said, a lot of weight loss is what you eat and not how much you move (though you need both).


Julie H said...

I know you aren't a text book case but have you tried using Lose It or My Fitness Pal?