Sunday, July 20, 2014

Blood donation in Pattison.

So this weekend I decided that in order to get ready for hiking my ass off (hopefully) while in South Dakota, I would "train". And by "train" I mean, make my family hike out into the nearest Wisconsin forest for a long time until I think I might die.

That lasted about one hour and thirty seven minutes.

The original plan was to go to Copper Falls State Park which is almost a little less than two hours away in Mellen, Wisconsin. But time got away from us and we had a birthday party to go to in the evening, well Olivia did, so we decided to just go to Pattison State Park which is maybe 20 minutes from our house. We brought Twinky with thinking he could use the exercise since he's kind of a porker.

Except we got there and dogs can basically only go on one trail and it's not anywhere near the waterfall, so that meant we caught up to some random trail just beyond the camp sites. Which, awkward walking down a road past everyone's campsites? But we found it and off we went. 

And because I am such a stellar parent with poor planning skills when it comes to spur of the moment things, I failed to bring bug spray. But I wrongly assumed we would be fine. Actually, we were fine for about 20 minutes. Then you end up being really into the woods and you would have thought those mosquitoes hadn't been fed in days. We were essentially swarmed but I again, wrongly assumed, that if you just hiked faster they would leave you alone. 

Which is wrong because that makes you sweaty and they apparently like that. 

We made it about 45 minutes before everyone started yelling at me that it was time to turn the fuck around (Matt's words) because we were going to die (Olivia's words) and that all of their blood was pretty much gone (Jackson's words). So we turned around. And yes, it was even worse on the way back because if there was such a thing as mosquito head wind? We were in it.  

Finally, once we reached the end where we were back on the road, I asked the kids to show me their "We hiked and it was awesome!" faces. Clearly, Jackson is smiling but he's also giving me the little kid equivalent to the middle finger, which is a thumbs down. Olivia just stood there and let me know her socks were wet. 

Twinky was the best of the bunch, the one who complained the least. He was happy to be back on grass where he could rub his butt on the grass. (He's started this thing where it's like dog masturbation I think, he just rubs his penis and butt hole on the grass. He's tried doing it on the carpet but I think my yelling discourages it.) (I mean, what do you say when people come over? "Welcome to my home. Don't mind him, he's just pleasuring himself on stained carpet. And Stumpy the cat does want you to aggressively spank him. If you just do it, he'll leave you alone.") 

But the one thing I learned on Saturday's adventure was that I have poorly misjudged my abilities when it comes to all day hiking. Basically, I'm going to try to tough it out but I'm legitimately worried about my stamina. This ol' gal is out of shape and the fact that my thunder thighs have made their triumphant return should have appropriately clued me in. 

God help us all. 


thotlady said...

You will be fine. Just remember the bug spray next time and a second pair of socks for Olivia.

Julie H said...

Hilarious! You tell the best stories and that thumbs down pic is the best.