Shake your booty. And everything else while you're at it.

One of the annoying things about Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency and Hypopituitarism is that a sick day isn't just a sick day for me anymore. I can't just die quietly on the couch binge-watching episodes of Supernatural like any normal person.

No, what would be a regular sick day for you is now me monitoring myself carefully for any kind of change. I have to alter my hydrocortisone because my body  no longer naturally produces that, and that kind of kick starts your body to do stuff. Important stuff like you know, fight off bacteria and viruses. The irony is that a lot of the sick day symptoms are what I feel every day all day. So I have to make a judgement call and it's stressful. The goal is for me to be on the lowest dose of steroids as tolerated because this is a lifetime of medication.

Last week I got my first test into this when on Wednesday I started feeling shaky. At first it was just an annoying shake that was periodic, much like when you get a chill. As the day wore on it got a little worse until eventually, it was full body shaking and I had no control over it. I wasn't cold at all but I put on extra clothes, turned on the heat and hoped for the best. As precaution, I took my sick day dose of medication just in case and I headed to bed.

I woke up at 3 a.m. shaking so hard my teeth were rattling. I woke Matt up and told him I needed to get to the emergency room because my fear is that I was going into an adrenal crisis, which is serious and life threatening. Matt, not so nicely, let me know he was too tired to get up and couldn't I just wait until morning?

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty angry but I was also pretty hurt. It's not like I want this for the rest of my life. It's not like I enjoy feeling the daily stress of managing my medication just right or I could get seriously ill or worse, die.

So I called my mom, who was here almost immediately. And wouldn't you know, it had rained and froze so everything was sheer ice. My mom is literally a saint and I am so grateful for her. I would be absolutely lost without her.

By the time we got to the emergency room I was shaking a lot but I didn't feel any symptoms (no fever, vomiting, or diarrhea) to give me any hint as to what was wrong with me. Nothing more scary than a doctor who really doesn't know anything about the medical conditions you have and when you hand over paperwork explaining it, he says, "Wow, too many words.". It's disconcerting at best. He told me he was going to have to look it up and figure out a game plan but in the meantime, I'd be having a bunch of blood work done, including my blood sugar, and then a urine sample. I never did get the results of my blood work, but my blood sugar was just fine, my blood pressure was high, and my urine screamed of sever urinary tract infection.

Which is weird because I didn't have any symptoms of that. I've had UTI's before and it burns when you pee and generally uncomfortable, so you call your OB and get an antibiotic and you're fine. This doctor said that because I had the chills that is indicative of it being in my kidneys so he gave me a pretty mega dose of antibiotics for a week. I was really shaky the rest of the day and hardly slept at all that night. But the next day (Friday) I was less shaky, only dealing with it in small bouts but it wasn't anything like the day before.

I'm really  hopeful I'm over this bump in the road because tomorrow? Well tomorrow I am going on a last minute, spur of the moment, early birthday trip with my best friend Tammy to Las Vegas! My therapist and my psychologist have been really pushing me to get away from home, family, responsibilities, and just relax. I think they are right and it's becoming abundantly clear to me that I haven't had any time to just..... do nothing. I came home and was thrust right back into my role as mom and wife and I haven't processed what life has been like for me, what life is going to be like going forward and everyday I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up and jumping off of the bridge. We found the cheapest vacation while booking basically last minute, so our options were limited to cold places of Vegas. I've been to Vegas but Tammy hasn't, so it'll be fun. .We are going to have a nice time, relax by a pool in the sunshine, read books and maybe find some fun things to do that don't cost a lot. I'll be gone for five nights, I can hardly wait.

Where Do Dreams Come From (review)

I love reviewing children's books because our family loves to read. Well, everyone except my husband, but that's OK. I read to my children all of the time and I love books that can be personalized so when I had the opportunity to review this one, I jumped at the chance.

Where Do Dreams Come From - Kim Delgado

A magical story that will satisfy even the most curious child and expand their imagination about Dream Land, the place where dreams are made. After all, what child wouldn’t love to know "Where Do Dreams Come From?” 

In this magical adventure, your child’s imagination takes them on a visit to Dream Land where they see how dreams are made. They learn about the "Dream Machine" and the fairies that work very hard to make sure that happy dreams are delivered to children around the world. This is the perfect bedtime story to expand your child’s imagination, encourage reading and instill pleasant dreams!

Can I just tell you that when I read this book for Penelope, she was so excited to not just have her name mentioned in the book but also her brother and sister, too. The author, Kim Delgado, is the owner of KD Novelties, an independent publisher of personalized books. I really invite you to look around on the website because there are so many unique gifts (books, CD's, puzzles, bags, etc) that you can personalize, perfect for a kiddo who maybe has a unique of uncommonly spelled name.

The book itself is an adorable story of a child who learns about the Dream Machine and the fairies who work in the factory. The illustrations are fun, the story is fun, and Penelope totally enjoyed being involved in the story. It's a really great bedtime story and though Penelope (almost two) can't read yet, she enjoyed making  machine like noises and acting surprised/scared/happy as needed throughout the story. Plus, it's a fun book we'll likely keep in her forever box once she's grown out of it.

You can find your own copy of Where Do Dreams Come From on the KD Novelties website, The other cool thing is you can read the story on the website (click on the above link and scroll down until to the personalization area and click on the "read story" tab) and see where the personalizing information goes in the story. Overall? I'm giving this book 5 out of 5 stars. It's a cute and fun read, it has great illustrations, it's a good read for kids up to age 7ish, and it's a great book for getting ready for bed!

I'm sorry.

One of the things I say on a daily basis to no less than five people, is I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for a lot of things. If you think the people in my every day life have had to adjust to me being different than I was before my AFE, it's nothing compared to having to adjust myself. I've always assumed that when people have something happen to them that changes who they are, how they move around in the world, they adjust and move on. And maybe I'll get to that point, but I'm almost seven months out and I'm still not there. I think a lot of the people around me look at me and assume I'm doing OK because I'm out of the house, I can communicate and seemingly be able to conduct a conversation. You see me interact with my kids and I can laugh and smile, by all standards, I look OK, but inside I'm not anywhere near OK.

The biggest struggle I deal with is clearly the depression and anxiety. I can no longer be near a pregnant person without feeling anxious. I try hard to hide it so I don't make someone feel badly but I'll excuse myself when it gets too much. Leaving the house is so emotionally taxing because all of the commotion is too tiring. It's too much sound, action, lights, stimulation on every level and I just want to go back into my quiet little home. Aside from that I have the memory loss that I try really hard to hide from people. But still. I'm sure people have noticed.

If I don't respond to calls, texts, emails, and messages right away like I normally would, I'm sorry.

If I don't answer the door, or I call you at the last minute to let you know I can't meet up, I'm sorry. 

If I look spaced out, I probably am. If you think I'm avoiding you on purpose, I'm not. I'm sorry. 

If you think you can count on me to step up and volunteer like I always do, you can't. Please don't assume I can do anything. I'm doing my best, but I can't. I'm sorry.

I might be smiling or laughing, but I don't feel joy in anything anymore. I can fake it for awhile, but not for long. If I look like the Energizer Bunny with half dead batteries, that's an accurate description on how I feel. If you expect me to be fun and funny, joking around and up for a last minute adventure? I'm sorry. I want to be the old Sara, I really do. I miss that Sara so damn much. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize that person at all. The best description of what it's like is that show Wife Swap, where the wives switch lives and their families are horrified. That's me. I feel like I've gotten swapped out and I'm struggling. But I'm sorry. I'm trying every day, I'm trying to fake it, mostly for everyone else's sake, so just go with it.

And you know, it's OK for you to tell me how I'm different or seem different. It's really OK. You aren't going to hurt my feelings because what you notice, I assure you I have noticed it months ago. It's really OK.

I think perhaps the biggest change in me as a person is my level of empathy for strangers. I have always been an empathetic person but I feel more so now. When I read an article about someone who has killed themselves, I feel relief for them because I get it. I know what it's like to be so done with it and wishing I had the courage to do the same thing. People say suicide is a selfish act and while I can't disagree, I think being selfish is sometimes OK. There are times where we have to do what's best for us despite what other people think. Because at the end of the day, nobody knows what is best for us except for us. That's a lesson I'm learning now, and I am wracked with guilt every single day because I do worry about what others think I should be doing. I don't want to be a disappointment, but I do know I'm at a point in my life where I'm at a crossroads. I have to take care of myself. Who knew that would be the hardest thing to learn how to do?

Wild Horse Springs (review)

*This post contains affiliated links that I may earn a commission from. All opinions are my own.*

I can't remember if I've already mentioned it, but I'm probably going to beat this horse until it's good and dead, but I have started a humble little Facebook page for this blog. I would love it if you would head over and give it a like! 

Wild Horse Springs - Jodi Thomas

Dan Brigman may not lead the most exciting life, but he's proud of what he's achieved: he's a respected lawman, and he's raised a bright, talented daughter on his own. But finding a lone, sparkly blue boot in the middle of a deserted highway gets him thinking maybe the cowgirl who lost it is exactly the shake-up he needs.

After losing her baby girl, Brandi Malone felt like her soul died along with her daughter. Now singing in small-town bars to make ends meet, she's fine being a drifter until a handsome sheriff makes her believe that parking her boots under his bed is a better option.

College grad Lauren Brigman has just struck out on her own in downtown Dallas when a troubling phone call leads her back home to Crossroads. Her hometown represents her family, friends and deepest hopes, but also her first love, Lucas Reyes. Will Lauren's homecoming be another heartbreak, or a second chance for her and Lucas?

I have to tell you that this is the fifth installment in the Ransom Canyon series, but this is the first one I've read. It's actually the first Jodi Thomas book I've read but it certainly won't be the last because I found her to be as entertaining as authors such as Delores Fossen, Lori Wilde, and Linda Lael Miller so if you are looking for similar styles of contemporary romance that isn't raunchy and overt, this is a great book to add to your to be read pile! 

It's a few love stories in one, always appreciated. We have Dan (the sheriff) who isn't so much a loner but he's not busy with the ladies. Enter Brandi, a singer with a troubled past, not ready to settle down. They meet and Dan falls for her but he knows she isn't ready to be tied down so they kind of hit a crossroads. Dan's daughter, Lauren, has moved away to basically find herself and hopefully become a writer. She's homesick but wants to live in the city. She is also a crossroads. (I have to warn you, this character was incredibly annoying to me because I feel like I would be eye-rolling nonstop if I knew her in real life.) 

Then we have Cody.. kind of a bad boy, lots of trouble following him. Lucky for him, there's a beautiful woman who just happens to be out and stumbles across him. She essentially takes him in and almost mothers him but can their romance make it? This romance was far more interesting for me to follow than Dan and Brandi, mostly because Tess just takes over and I just expected Cody to.. not sit in the back seat so much? I don't know, it was kind of strange so I kept reading wondering if this was even going to work out. 

Overall, I'd give this a 4 out of 5 stars. It's a solid, entertaining romance read and it's refreshing to not have penises and vaginas flipping out every chapter. I'm not saying I'm against that, I'm very much for that, but it's nice to have just a regular ol' romance filling this niche.

That time I saw a psychic. True story.

As I recover from my AFE in August, I feel like I have really been on this greater journey to figure out what is next for me. I don't feel at peace with any of it and I don't know how I'm going to get there but you can rest assured that no stone will be left un-turned. I'm exhausting every resource I can afford.

A friend of mine has talked before that she has seen a psychic in our area and has found great comfort and guidance with her readings. The only psychic I have ever seen was at the local fair when I was 18 and she was a total loon. I took nothing away from it, it was all very generic information that anyone could have rattled off but it was fun anyways. I've gone through a lot of message boards of people who have been through traumatic life events and lots of them have gone to psychics just to have some peace. My friend offered to go with me for my first reading and at this point I'm ready for anything.

I have to tell you right away, I went in with some healthy skepticism because I'm a realist if nothing, so like everything else, I go in with low expectations. She started right away asking my children's names and birth dates, and she zoned in almost immediately that I've lost two children, but one of them is tied to someone here (Jackson had a twin that I lost before 12 weeks), she sits on my left shoulder. She's being cared for by my grandmother, who wasn't nurturing while on Earth, but she is in the next realm, and she is caring for this little girl. She talked about my death, and obvious revival, but also talked about my past lives, where I've died in childbirth many times.

(Which is unnerving because I am 100% convinced I knew what was going to happen to me when they said I was going for an emergency c-section and I wonder if I knew I was going to die? This convinces me I'm not nuts.)

She told me that I have to do things for myself, get away and take care of myself. The only problem is I'll feel guilty because people will tell me I'm being selfish, and I'll want to give in and not care for myself, which will lead me to be unhappy. I can't be guilted into decisions. What else? Oh, she knew my biological father was an alcoholic and it's imperative I stay away from him; he's evil.

What also was interesting is she said that once you go to the death realm and you come back, your talents can be more pronounced. I'll observe that time flows differently (which I keep telling people but they look at me like I'm growing a third eye), my intuition will be more pronounced (I've always had a strong gut feeling but it's so intense sometimes that I feel like it's another person in me pushing me towards something) and I'm going to be able to read people and their intentions easier. (Which again, it's like I can look at a person and I immediately feel good air or bad air around them and I can't really explain it.)

The best part of the visit? Was being told that my job, what needs to be my absolute mission, is to write. That I have an unnatural talent and I need to use it. I am my own worst enemy and road block but I have to overcome that and write no matter what. I am meant to share information with people. And with that... I leave you. There was SO much from the visit that was absolutely uncanny that nobody would ever have known but she was spot on. I have to tell you I'm going to be back. I'm writing feverishly. My next obstacle is to find someone who can do regression therapy- I want to go back to the moment Lucy was delivered and see, with my own eyes, what happened. I feel like I will always have this hole in me until I have that. So I begin my search for that.

Have you ever been to a psychic? Would you ever?

50 States, 5000 Ideas (review)

**This post contains affiliated links that I may earn commissions from, but all opinions are my own**

For long time readers of this blog, you'll know I love to travel. My goal in life is to see all 50 states and go overseas to another country sometime. I don't know when or where, and I'm a little terrified since I'm such a weird eater and hate everything, but it is a dream of mine.

50 States, 5000 Ideas - National Geographic

This richly illustrated book from the travel experts at National Geographic showcases the best travel experiences in every state, from the obvious to the unexpected. Sites include national parks, beaches, hotels, Civil War battlefields, dude ranches, out-of-the-way museums, and more. You'll discover the world's longest yard sale in Tennessee, swamp tours in Louisiana, dinosaur trails in Colorado, America's oldest street in NYC, and the best spot to watch for sea otters on the central California coast. Each entry provides detailed travel information as well as fascinating facts about each state that will help fuel your wanderlust and ensure the best vacation possible. In addition to 50 states in the U.S., the book includes a section on the Canadian provinces and territories.

I have had this book sitting on my dining room counter (which is the equivalent to the coffee table for us, everything lands there) for a few weeks now and everyone who has come over has picked it up and paged through it. It's a really beautiful books with amazing photographs and countless ideas. It features all 50 states but also Canadian provinces so if your travels take you north, you are well covered.

The great part about this book is that every state has a wonderful write up with the standard tourist areas that really shouldn't be missed, but it also features out of the way destinations. You'll also find "Hidden Treasures", "Local Flavor", "Festivals" and other highlight areas so if you have a state in mind, these will help you narrow down what time of year to visit. I have to tell you that after going through the book I have a bizarre urge to backpack through Olympic National Park for one. This book makes you want to tackle the outdoors, fill up the fanny pack you know you have in your closet, and tour the country. Even as someone who doesn't LOVE nature and the outdoors, this book makes me want to get out there. Landmarks and museums you've never heard of are highlighted throughout. I so highly recommend this book not just for yourself but your friends who always seem to have wanderlust. Definitely 5 stars for this book, it's going to be my first resource when it's time to plan a vacation. It's a United States/Canada bucket list!

You can find this book on Amazon (link below) but also on the National Geographic website HERE.

The Possessions (review)

*This post contains affiliate links that I may  make a commission from. All thoughts and opinions are my own.*

I don't want to sound cocky, but I'm ahead of my Goodreads challenge. Sure, it's by one book but doesn't matter because I'm ahead!!

The Possessions - Sara Flannery Murphy

In an unnamed city, Eurydice works for the Elysian Society, a private service that allows grieving clients to reconnect with lost loved ones. She and her fellow workers, known as “bodies“, wear the discarded belongings of the dead and swallow pills called lotuses to summon their spirits—numbing their own minds and losing themselves in the process. Edie has been a body at the Elysian Society for five years, an unusual record. Her success is the result of careful detachment: she seeks refuge in the lotuses’ anesthetic effects and distances herself from making personal connections with her clients. 

But when Edie channels Sylvia, the dead wife of recent widower Patrick Braddock, she becomes obsessed with the glamorous couple. Despite the murky circumstances surrounding Sylvia’s drowning, Edie breaks her own rules and pursues Patrick, moving deeper into his life and summoning Sylvia outside the Elysian Society’s walls. 

After years of hiding beneath the lotuses’ dulling effect, Edie discovers that the lines between her own desires and those of Sylvia have begun to blur, and takes increasing risks to keep Patrick within her grasp. Suddenly, she finds her quiet life unraveling as she grapples not only with Sylvia’s growing influence and the questions surrounding her death, but with her own long-buried secrets. 

A tale of desire and obsession, deceit and dark secrets that defies easy categorization, The Possessions is a seductive, absorbing page-turner that builds to a shattering, unforgettable conclusion. 

Man alive, this book was so weird! The entire synopsis of this book is completely bizarre, which of course is why I even agreed to review it. Not in all of my years as an avid reader have I ever come across a book with this kind of story line, which is the first reason you should read it. It's getting harder and harder to find books that aren't like anything else out there. We have Edie, who is able to let people connect with their dead relatives by essentially becoming them. Kind of. Enter Patrick, bereft from his wife's passing, seeks out Edie's services. Only Edie realizes quickly that Patrick isn't totally forthcoming and that maybe Sylvia's death has more to it. But the more Edie digs into that she's almost taken over by Sylvia (kind of? I can't really explain it, because it's bizarre but fascinating enough that you can't stop reading) and is desperate to keep Patrick. Some irks about the book is the over the top metaphors. Not every description needs to be a metaphor. I feel like metaphors can be amazing, but when used sparingly- make them pack a punch. The writing itself is beautiful but I have to knock it points for the metaphors because lordy... there are SO MANY.

But just stop and think of all of the implications if something like this was possible. It's 100% creepy and weird but you can't look away and you are fully interested. Edie is kind of an odd duck all on her own but when she is channeling someone else she almost becomes even more bizarre (obviously) but in a really different kind of way. The ending was a little... anti-climatic for me? I honestly expected a whole lot more (no spoilers) but Edie's character is so strange that I guess when I have had some time to think about it... I guess it makes sense. I'm not fully satisfied, which is why I'm giving it 4 of 5 stars. You also need to keep in mind this is a literary debut so the fact an author comes out the gate swinging with something like this makes me already anticipating the next book in what I'm sure will be a diverse catalog.

The book is available on the HarperCollins website, and in the meantime you can visit Sara Flannery Murphy on her website, Facebook, and Twitter!