Busted Mayo, disappointment oozes

The thing about having a rare medical thing happen to you is that you're often left in limbo as doctors figure out what to do with you. I'm lucky to have a really great team of doctors here locally, and I feel like they genuinely are trying to do the best for me. They all have said that most everyone dies during an Amniotic Fluid Embolism and those who do survive have such a variety of things to deal with in the aftermath so there isn't anything for them to look at as a guidebook on what to do for a patient.

As for me, the things I'm currently diagnosed with are:

• hypopituitarism 
• secondary adrenal insufficiency
• low thyroid
• depression
• anxiety
• adjustment disorder
• PTSD
• OCD
• suicidal ideation
• migraines
• Raynaud phenomenon
• hypoxic encephalopathy 
• Sheehan Syndrome
• Secondary Amenorrhea
• Diabetes Insipidus

So, it's a lot. I'm trying to juggle all of it and I'm really having a hard time keeping track of not just my medications and what is for what, what each thing is supposed to be doing for me, and how do I know if it is or isn't working, but I'm having a hard time keeping track of my physical symptoms and what each one is associated with. Some days I feel like I almost need a health professional here to just keep track of it for me. And when I have an issue? Who do I call? Do I call my primary care? Do I call my endocrinologist? Do I call my neurologist? Or do I need a different doctor? 

Anyways. 

Last week I had my three month follow up since my last appointment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. I wasn't totally sure what the point of the appointment was because they didn't tell me, so I went in not knowing what to expect. I knew I was going to have a lot of lab work and then my appointment, so I was there for an entire day. Nothing in my paperwork told me not to take my medication, it only mentioned not to take a multi vitamin or any medication containing biotin, which I don't take so I was in the clear. I even asked the lab technician, and she said I was good to go, which is great because if I don't take my medicine in the morning I am really nauseous and dizzy, just generally unwell. So I give my blood and I'm off to wait for several hours of waiting. I brought a book so I was OK with that. Had a small lunch in the cafeteria because I didn't have much money, and off to wait on the 18th floor. 

At my appointment the doctor informed me my labs were a total waste of time because I had taken my medication, which I should have just known to not take. Apparently she told me this three months ago and as a stroke victim with memory loss, I'm supposed to just remember this. 

(You're right, you're sensing a little sarcasm there. By god the ol' gal still has it.) 

I start telling her my symptoms: extreme exhaustion, nausea, feeling like I have a fever and the worst flu of my life though I have neither, dizziness, my hands/arms/feet frequently go numb or feel tingly, and when I do any kind of activity (like walking a few blocks) I feel like I've been beaten with a bat. I walked for a few blocks a few weeks ago and for three or four days after I could hardly move, I mean, hardly move and I'm not exaggerating. Every muscle and bone in my body hurt. There are some days I get out of bed and I really can't even lift Lucy anymore, let alone carry her down the stairs- I have to rely on Olivia to get Lucy and Penelope down the stairs in the morning. 

I'm detailing this to her, she's typing on the computer (I'm assuming she's documenting all of this), and she says to me, "Well, as long as you aren't dealing with nausea and fever, dizziness, that kind of thing..." 

Um... are you kidding me? Did you hear me? Did you seriously not listen to me? I just told you all that? 

So then I say it again. I go over it all again. I show her my emergency sheet where it says the 'warning signs of adrenal fatigue' and I explain to her that's how I feel EVERY DAY. Even if I take an increased dose of hydrocortisone, I still feel like that, what should I do? No answer. 

So I do what I absolutely hate, I absolutely hate because it's weak and it's not me at all. 

I start crying. I start crying because I'm confused, I'm overwhelmed, I'm frustrated, I don't know what else to do. I feel like, again, nobody is listening to me. Like I can't explain my situation well enough. That 10 months ago this would not be happening to me. That I would be able to explain how I was feeling and get my dilemma solved. But now? Now I feel like I'm speaking in a foreign language and nobody understands it. 

Overall? The appointment felt useless. I left there feeling like I wasn't heard, like none of my issues were worthy of being fixed. I honestly don't know if it's worth my time (or money) to go back. I have a message into my endocrinologist here in Duluth so hopefully he'll have some ideas for me. I also have one in for my primary care doctor too because maybe she can help me with the numbness and tingling in my hands and feet since that's relatively new. 

The most frustrating thing is every doctor wants me to lose weight, which I agree, I want to as well. I'm the heaviest I have ever been. The problem is that they all acknowledge that being on a steroid forever makes that difficult but to do the best I can. But every time I do any kind of exercise I'm in so much pain for days... what do I do about that? I can't be left immobile. I have to be able to move, be able to get out of bed. People keep asking if I have Fibromylagia and I just don't know enough about that. I've read a lot of articles and it's split 50/50 down the middle of it being real or not. I do know that I don't want to be on pain medication and I absolutely cannot afford another medication. Even if it does bring relief, I just can't afford it. I'm already worried about being able to afford what I have come January once my deductible starts over. 

So I'm going to keep plugging along. I'm still seeing my therapist every other week, and my psychiatrist who I feel really sorry for because I feel like he's really working hard to help me, and my myriad of doctors. I am having a sleep study done in June because the pulmonary doctor said my exhaustion could be my adrenal insufficiency, but it could also be me sleeping like junk at night. So we're going to do a sleep study to either rule one of those out. I'm kind of nervous about that because while some people can do a sleep study at home I have to do mine in the hospital because I tick off enough things that they want to be able to monitor things more closely. So that will be an experience, I guess. 

It's kind of strange to think I'm quickly approaching the one year anniversary and I feel no different. I feel like I haven't healed at all, I've not improved in my health, and I still feel like I'm in limbo. It's been such an awful, strange year. 

Please be kind to me this week.

Last week was rough. There just isn't any way to sugar coat it. The week before it wasn't kind, either. I am really struggling with my memory and it becomes a snow ball effect, it just gets worse and worse once I notice that I have forgotten something. I get frustrated with myself. I feel like, at almost ten months out, I shouldn't be this much of a mess still. I'm angry that I'm not any better. Granted, I'm not completely helpless but I don't feel like I'm any better. I'm still struggling. I'm not anywhere near functioning where I used to be. MY normal. I feel like I'm suffocating and nobody cares. Nobody gets it.

Last week I discovered that I booked my hotel room for my visit to the Mayo Clinic (which is this week) for the wrong day. I didn't panic right away, I figured I could change it. I called down, but I was out of luck. Not totally, they were still able to get me a room at the cheap rate, but I was out of luck on not being charged because they need a 24 hour notice. I was calling on the same day that they thought I was checking in. And from a business stand point? I totally get it, they could have booked that room in a heartbeat, that place is busy. I can't get angry at them. I'm angry at myself for being so stupid. For not double checking what the hell I was doing.

The next day our refrigerator died. Approximately $200 worth of groceries? Garbage. I mean, thank god my dad was in town and my parents are amazing because they went and bought us a refrigerator that day and got it installed, no question. Matt was at work, I'm at home crying my eyes out as I'm throwing away food I can't afford to replace and still haven't, and my parents are out buying me a refrigerator they can't afford to buy me either. Then I go to my psychiatrist appointment, who informs me, in great detail that I just can't remember that I'm basically brain damaged. The stroke that I had during my AFE damaged a crucial little chunk of brain and that's why I'm struggling with life. So bottom line, I will always be on a cocktail of anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, etc.

And I don't know why, but that is really upsetting to me. I don't know why I'm OK with being on something for blood pressure for life but tell me that I need something for my head for life and that is just completely unbearable.

But he increased my dose of Topamax, which is our plan for awhile longer to see if it makes a difference. I will say there is an improvement with this compared to the Cymbalta, which was totally useless. The other perk is I hardly eat at all while on Topamax, so maybe in time I'll stop looking like I'm seven months pregnant? Though the endocrinologist said, sadly, that is a side effect to being on steroids- you get the distended stomach and there isn't a whole lot you can do about that. So that's exciting. I'll always be fat, apparently.

As you're reading this, I'm wandering around the Mayo Clinic campus in Rochester, Minnesota. I'm there for my follow up appointment for Endocrinology. I'll have labwork in the morning and see the Endocrinology team in the afternoon. I don't know really what they'll be doing, but I'm kind of nervous. I have some questions, most of which I don't know if they can answer for me. I've been so tired these last few months and honestly, I'm wondering if it's adrenal fatigue? I can't even go for a short walk without feeling like someone has hit me with a car. Surely this can't be normal. I mean, is this just how it's going to be my whole life? What kind of quality is that? How do people function like this? I carried Lucy to the park (just across the street) about a week or so ago and I'm not kidding, my back hurt so bad for days I could hardly move. Like you hit me with a bat. It's really frustrating and it's hard to plan my life. I should be able to go for a damn walk without feeling like I'm on death's door the next day.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive. Sometimes I feel OK and then out of nowhere, I'm upset. I'm hearing a voice in my head and it's just this never ending loop of why everything is crap, why I'm crap, why I'm a terrible mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, person, why I should just end it all. I think paranoid things that, in the back of my head I know aren't true but then I have to keep telling myself that. I feel crazy. I feel like I am actually going completely crazy. This is the worst feeling in the word. I can't even explain it. I feel like I'm not making any sense. It's just a really tough road I'm on right now. But I'm trying. I don't know why, it doesn't even feel worth it to be honest.

Same Beach, Next Year (review)

*I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review; however all opinions are my own. This post also contains affiliate links that I may earn commission from.*

I have a feeling this is going to be a rough week for me, just as last week was and I'll talk about that tomorrow, but I'm going to start this week with a book review. And not just any book review, a review from an author that is the epitome of summer- Dorothea Benton Frank.

Same Beach, Next Year - Dorothea Benton Frank

New York Times bestselling author Dorothea Benton Frank returns to her magical Lowcountry of South Carolina in this bewitching story of marriage, love, family, and friendship that is infused with her warm and engaging earthy humor and generous heart.

One enchanted summer, two couples begin a friendship that will last more than twenty years and transform their lives.

A chance meeting on the Isle of Palms, one of Charleston’s most stunning barrier islands, brings former sweethearts, Adam Stanley and Eve Landers together again. Their respective spouses, Eliza and Carl, fight sparks of jealousy flaring from their imagined rekindling of old flames. As Adam and Eve get caught up on their lives, their partners strike up a deep friendship—and flirt with an unexpected attraction—of their own.

Year after year, Adam, Eliza, Eve, and Carl eagerly await their reunion at Wild Dunes, a condominium complex at the island’s tip end, where they grow closer with each passing day, building a friendship that will withstand financial catastrophe, family tragedy, and devastating heartbreak. The devotion and love they share will help them weather the vagaries of time and enrich their lives as circumstances change, their children grow up and leave home, and their twilight years approach.

Bursting with the intoxicating richness of Dorothea Benton Frank’s beloved Lowcountry—the sultry sunshine, cool ocean breezes, icy cocktails, and starry velvet skies—Same Beach, Next Year is a dazzling celebration of the infrangible power of friendship, the enduring promise of summer, and the indelible bonds of love.

I feel like I say this every time I read and review one of her books but it's true- it just isn't summer until I have the newest Dorothea book in my hands. I can't lie to you and say that I have them all, but I have quite a few and I love them. I think in one of my posts from last week I mentioned that it's my dream to go to a book festival? Well it's also my dream to do an entire vacation around the Lowcountry settings of Dorothea's books. I can't help it, of all of the books I have ever read, I think the setting of these books is perhaps my absolute favorite. The way she describes the area, the homes, the people, the food, and the lemonade- it makes you want to grab a chair and head to the beach. Even if it is hotter than the bottom floor of Hell. HA! My second favorite thing about her books are always the characters. There is always at least one loon in the bunch and in this book we have Cookie, but Clarabeth is a close second. (And if you're a mom who has been stuck watching The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for hours on end, you'll appreciate her because I kept saying her name as Clarabelle and picturing that character in my head and it made her even better. You're welcome.) 

Anyways. 

So in this story we have two couples, Adam and Eliza, and then Eve and Carl. Way back in the day Adam and Eve had a bit of a first love fling that neither ever talked to their respective spouses about. Fast forward to present day when they run into each other, on vacation in Lowcountry. Adam invites Eve and her family over for drinks and Eliza- the good wife that she is, though annoyed, goes along with it. This begins a 20+ year friendship which, though awkwardly strained, is valued because of the longevity. They vacation each year together and Adam and Eve secretly pine for each other. Eliza deals with it because she knows Adam loves her, appreciates what he has. 

Until Carl and Eliza walk in on something. Adam and Eve swear up and down it isn't what they think. Is it? Isn't it? Nobody knows and everyone needs to cool down, gain perspective. Everyone takes some distance, takes some time to look at their own relationships for what they are. Is the grass greener on the other side? Can young love be rekindled? 

Overall? This book comes in at just under 400 pages and I finished it in one afternoon, that's how much I enjoyed it. One sitting, lambs. Perfect summer read. I have a hard time finding fault with books by this author because I really enjoy her writing, her stories always feel like you're sitting at the table getting the gossip from your friends and that's just what this story is. I was starting to feel like Eliza was a little harsh with Adam and I wasn't sure how the author was going to turn it around but when Adam get sick.. perfect. The ending? OK, that's the fault. Can I just say I feel like Max could do SO MUCH BETTER? So much better for a wife?! Ugh. I feel like he's going to end up just like Carl and it makes me sad for him. That's my only gripe. I'm definitely giving this book 5 stars because even with that gripe.. I loved this book. The fact that I couldn't put it down all afternoon is worth that extra star. Absolutely. 

Novel Destinations (review)

*I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review, though all thoughts are my own. This post also contains affiliate links that I may make commission from.*

I know I already gave you a post today about Penelope's second birthday, but I also have a book review. It's a bonus post, but this (finally) puts me on track with my Goodreads reading challenge. I was so behind there for awhile and now I'm on track again. Phew! I can't get cocky about it because I have to finish another book this week to keep up otherwise I'll fall behind again.

Novel Destinations

Follow in the footsteps of much-loved authors, including Ernest Hemingway, James Joyce, Virginia Woolf, Mark Twain, Jack Kerouac, Jane Austen, and many more. For vacationers who crave meaningful trips and unusual locales, cue National Geographic's Novel Destinations a guide for bibliophiles to more than 500 literary sites across the United States and Europe. Check into Hemingway's favorite hotel in Sun Valley, or stroll about Bath's Royal Crescent while entertaining fantasies of Lizzie Bennett and her Mr. Darcy. The fully revised second edition includes all of the previous sites with updated locations plus color images and an expanded section on all things Bronte. The book begins with thematic chapters covering author houses and museums, literary festivals and walking tours. Then, in-depth explorations of authors and places take readers roaming Franz Kafka's Prague, James Joyce's Dublin, Louisa May Alcott's New England, and other locales. Peppered with great reading suggestions and little-known tales of literary gossip, Novel Destinations is a unique travel guide, an attractive gift book, and the ultimate bibliophile's delight."

If you know me at all you know I absolutely LOVE a road trip. If I can somehow incorporate a literary stop on a road trip, even better. The only bummer about this is that a lot of this book features things that are abroad... as in places I most likely will never get to see in my life time. So that's a total bummer. But don't fret, pets! There is still a ton of stuff in the United States for you to see!

Let's break down the book though because the book is two parts: travel by the book and journey through the pages. In the first part there are author houses and museums (my favorites were southern comfort and vampires, ghosts, and ravens), writers at home and abroad, literary festivals, tours, and more (this was my FAVORITE part of the entire book), literary places to drink, dine, and doze. The second part of the book, Journeys Between the Pages, was more of like a dedicated vacation. Clearly the one that would be up my alley was the Island Time: Ernest Hemingway in Key West, Florida only because I am a Florida girl through and through. But there was also a California Dreaming: John Steinbeck in Monterey and Salinas, California that I kind of thought would be fascinating.

Another section I really enjoyed was the "Libraries Worth Checking Out", but I have decided I really, really, REALLY want to go to a book festival. WHY HAVE I NEVER BEEN TO A BOOK FESTIVAL?! Have any of you been to one? Sigh. The other cool thing is that if you are going on a little trip and you've got some time, check out the index on the back for the state that you're visiting, there is a good chance it's mentioned in the book and you can make a quick day trip to a literary landmark! We are driving to Florida at the end of June and I'm hoping I can convince Matt to squeeze a stop, or four, in. They are practically on our way so it's not like we're losing time. Surely someone will have to go to the bathroom and I can just take a quick peek!  Right? Of course I'm right.

I totally loved this. It's such a fun, nerdy book to page through with lots of fun facts, lots of things I didn't know, it gave me lots of ideas for future trips (maybe not family trips but definitely trips with my friends!) and it's just an enjoyable read. Who doesn't love a good non-fiction book every now and then?!

You can find this book on the National Geographic web store and also on Amazon.

Penelope is two. The terrible two. Surely you've heard.

I used to always say that two had nothing on three. Two was EASY compared to three. You could still reason with two, you could bribe a two year old, you could still pick a two year old up even when they took the limp noodle tactic in a parking lot.

But you haven't met Penelope.

Penelope is a beast all her own.

When I got pregnant with Lucy, my grandpa jokingly said that one in four become a serial killer. I don't know if that's true but at the minimum, Penelope is the one to put your money on if you were placing wagers on which one of my children will grow up to lead a prison gang. I'm not saying I'm giving up, I'm just saying that you can nurture all you want but genetics have gone wrong I think. Most mornings we start the day with her whipping her door open and screaming at us that she's "happy". She goes to bed almost every night in full tears screaming that she's "happy" as well.

It's really awesome.

But, our little darling has turned two and despite not feeling up for anything, we whipped together a really haphazard party. Fortunately enough, our local PBS station had their Kids Club Circus event the same day as Penelope's birthday so the plan was to do that in the morning, poop her out enough for nap time, and then party for dinner and hopefully have a decent bedtime.

She got to meet George. She loves George, not that you'd know that by her obvious lack of enthusiasm.

Lucy was totally excited.

Penelope played games. And when I say "played games" I mean she blatantly cheated and demanded prizes.

My niece Adriana was able to come up for the day, so that was really fun. Her and Penelope are only a few months apart so I thought they'd have fun playing together. Adriana mostly had a great time playing with the big kids.

Penelope had more fun showing the characters her new Rosita stuffed animal than taking pictures.

She didn't like Nature Cat touching her but she did look to see if he had a tail.

Fortunately all of the running around and jumping DID get us a solid nap from both Penelope and Lucy, so that was nice. I had underestimated how exhausted I was going to be so by the time the party started I was kind of over it. I was pretty grateful I didn't invite that many people and of the few I did invite, some couldn't come, because I was pretty tired.

I had purchased this bounce house thing on Amazon on some one day super sale for $40 months ago and it was basically all I had planned for entertainment. Unfortunately, it was absolutely freezing so the kids didn't get to play in it for too long.

Just long enough for me to get only one picture, but not of all four.

Matt grilled up burgers and hot dogs, Matt's mom had helped us with food and his sister brought fruit and veggies.

If you know Penelope at all, you know she's all about a meal.

She's also all about dessert. I bought cupcakes and little ice cream cups- which basically was the greatest part of her day. She would have eaten "cream" all night if you let her.

Then, of course, presents.

All kinds of presents.

She got a tricycle, which she enjoys sitting on and wants you to push her on, but she doesn't totally get it.

And this phone... oy. Lucy gets a turn every once in awhile with it! She also got an Elmo that talks (and says her name!), some Play Doh, new bed sheets, a big Poppy doll for her bed and a Troll blanket, a stuffed bunny and a cool kickball, a Minnie Mouse with snap on outfits, lots of cute new outfits for summer, and I got her a new book. Not a bad haul for being two.

It's hard to believe this kid is two. Already. She's got all of the personality in the world. She is SUCH a handful, but she's such a love bug, too. She says lots of words, can identify some colors and some letters, loves to read, her favorite movie is Trolls, her favorite show is Super Why, she loves to rub soft things in her ear for comfort, loves the color purple, she runs 100 mph, she's bossy, sassy, hilarious, loves animals, and has big feelings. She's going to be the one to give us a run for our money. That's for sure.

American Gods (review)

*I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review, but all thoughts are my own. This post also contains affiliate links that I may make commissions from.*

A bit spoiled today with two book reviews, but tomorrow you're going to get a non-book review post from me so that's a bit of a teaser for you. 

American Gods - Neil Gaiman

Locked behind bars for three years, Shadow did his time, quietly waiting for the magic day when he could return to Eagle Point, Indiana. A man no longer scared of what tomorrow might bring, all he wanted was to be with Laura, the wife he deeply loved, and start a new life.

But just days before his release, Laura and Shadow’s best friend are killed in an accident. With his life in pieces and nothing to keep him tethered, Shadow accepts a job from a beguiling stranger he meets on the way home, an enigmatic man who calls himself Mr. Wednesday. A trickster and rogue, Wednesday seems to know more about Shadow than Shadow does himself.

Life as Wednesday’s bodyguard, driver, and errand boy is far more interesting and dangerous than Shadow ever imagined—it is a job that takes him on a dark and strange road trip and introduces him to a host of eccentric characters whose fates are mysteriously intertwined with his own. Along the way Shadow will learn that the past never dies; that everyone, including his beloved Laura, harbors secrets; and that dreams, totems, legends, and myths are more real than we know. Ultimately, he will discover that beneath the placid surface of everyday life a storm is brewing—an epic war for the very soul of America—and that he is standing squarely in its path.

I didn't even know about this book until I heard it was going to be a show, and then of course I don't have cable because I'm poor so I wanted to read the book! Then I saw it was on the list for possible review and I got super excited and thought for sure I wouldn't get picked, surely by the time I responded everyone else would have jumped on it but no- I got picked. What is wrong with all of you people?! 

The thing about Neil Gaiman books that I love so much, and this is going to sound bizarre, is that I have no idea why I love them. I know, I know. I usually finish the book and I wonder to myself why I even finished it, and why I even liked it because there usually isn't anything about the book that really stands out about them but oddly enough it all comes together and it all just... it just fits? This book was kind of the same way, it's full of traditionally bizarre characters and a story line where it constantly feels like something big is going to come but it never really does but yet... you don't end the book unsatisfied. It also has really weird dream sequences, which I didn't know where dream sequences at first and I was SO confused and I found myself re-reading passages a few times. 

Needless to say, this is a really difficult book to read if you are a recovering stroke and brain injury patient. FYI. 

I also really struggled with some of the story lines and keeping track of them, to the point where I actually considered starting a little stack of notes next to me but then I figured if I have to do that, I am done with the book because no book is worth that kind of time. I have an entire shelf of books to read and very little time and my brain is slow. It's hard to write a review for a Gaiman book because I can tell you what this book has in it: it has the weird cast of characters, it has coin tricks, it has a road trip of sorts, it has a man with a dead wife, but the dead wife kind of visits him as a ghosts, there's a guy kind of swallowed by a vagina, there's a buffalo man, the book is creepy and totally weird, but even with all of that, it doesn't tell you what any of it was really about? If that makes any sense? It's Gaiman's strange little love letter to America. It's easily the strangest book I have ever read in my life. Hands down. 

Of course, you're going to have to pick this up for yourself and you can do so on the HarperCollins website, or on Amazon. Don't forget the show is airing on STARZ, and of course I can't watch it so I'm hoping eventually it'll make it's way onto Netflix or something. Crossing my fingers!! 

My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward (review)

*I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review, but all thoughts are my own. This post also contains affiliate links that I may make commissions from.*

When I got the opportunity to review this, I actually knocked one of my children over on my way to the computer so I can email immediately back and say, yes! Yes, absolutely get me on this tour, please tell me I'm not too late. I am willing to beg for the opportunity to be on this tour because I'm currently too poor to buy books because everything fun is out of our monthly spending plan but I fear that I am Guilia. That I might be her soon and I am scared of that more than anything. I wanted to know what to expect and this book... I cried. And I am so scared. 

My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward - Mark Lukach

A heart-wrenching, yet hopeful, memoir of a young marriage that is redefined by mental illness and affirms the power of love.

Mark and Giulia’s life together began as a storybook romance. They fell in love at eighteen, married at twenty-four, and were living their dream life in San Francisco. When Giulia was twenty-seven, she suffered a terrifying and unexpected psychotic break that landed her in the psych ward for nearly a month. One day she was vibrant and well-adjusted; the next she was delusional and suicidal, convinced that her loved ones were not safe.

Eventually, Giulia fully recovered, and the couple had a son. But, soon after Jonas was born, Giulia had another breakdown, and then a third a few years after that. Pushed to the edge of the abyss, everything the couple had once taken for granted was upended.

A story of the fragility of the mind, and the tenacity of the human spirit, My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward is, above all, a love story that raises profound questions: How do we care for the people we love? What and who do we live for? Breathtaking in its candor, radiant with compassion, and written with dazzling lyricism, Lukach’s is an intensely personal odyssey through the harrowing years of his wife’s mental illness, anchored by an abiding devotion to family that will affirm readers’ faith in the power of love.

I have always dealt with a bit of depression, my whole life. Right after Olivia it was at its absolute worst, and it was the first time that I felt like I had to medicate myself. I felt shame and absolute humiliation. After about eight months I felt nothing at all so I wanted to get off of them so I just stopped. About a year later our marriage hit a major bump in the road and I thought for sure we were getting a divorce but the day I went to file I found out I was pregnant, so there I was, my husband was jobless, I was pregnant with an almost two year old, and I had divorce papers in hand, cue mental break down. So I was put back on an anti-depressant that was safe for pregnancy. I cried all of the time but I felt nothing at all so I don't know how helpful it was. As soon as I could get off of it, I did. I went several years with no medication, I had bouts of feeling down, but I managed it with diet and exercise. I tried to fill my schedule with fun things so I didn't give myself the time to go into the hole. 

Then we had Lucy. All hell has broken loose. Since then I have struggled with mental health. A lot. Enough that I am seriously considering checking myself into a three month facility, anywhere that will help me, that can focus on trauma and depression. I don't know if I'm fixable but I know I can't live like this forever. I know that there is a real quality versus quantity argument in my head when it comes to me as a mother and the mother my children had before Lucy is gone, she is not ever coming back. The mother they have now is terrible. She's mean, she's not present, and she doesn't want to be here. It's the worst feeling in the world, so I identified with Giulia so much in this book. But it also made me feel guilty because I bet my husband Matt could identify with Mark in the book because I know immediately after Lucy's birth Matt felt helpless and had no idea what to do. I imagine that's the spot he's in now with my depression but I can't help him because I don't know what to do either. 

This book follows the story of Mark and Giulia. The meet in college, fall in love, get married, and start their lives in the most idyllic way we all hope to. It's perfect. They start their careers, they both have plans, they get an awesome dog named Goose, and all is well. Except things start happening with Giulia. It starts with a lack of sleep and ended in a terrifying first psychotic break. Her first hospital stay was confusing, terrifying, They both soon learn that the mental health system in America is essentially is a guessing game, nobody actually knows how to diagnose or treat you, it's all about treating you with medications and messing around with dosages and hoping for the best. Everyone responds differently and what works for you for awhile, might inexplicably stop working and you're right back in the hospitable. I identified with Giulia's frustrations and her anger at losing her independence and her inability to feel heard- that's how I feel so often. But at the same time, I understand Mark's frustration because as a parent your child's safety and well being as to come first. I can understand Giulia not wanting to be on medication long term, a lot of them make you feel absolutely awful and the side effects are no joke. 

I want to share one of the passages in the book that really spoke to me. I have had a really hard time trying to describe what my AFE and Lucy's birth has done to me and to Matt, but our marriage, too. Everyone keeps telling us how lucky we are to have each other and it's all I can do to roll my eyes and not punch them in the face because I feel so angry. But this. This is what it's like: 

"It's like you've survived a tsunami, Mark. I'm sure you've saw the footage from the tsunami that hit Indonesia. Entire buildings wiped out. People swept away. Horrifying stuff. It's not hard to imagine you and Giulia on one of those beaches. You were in bliss together, and then the wave hit. You grabbed on to a tree and each other and held on as the waved pushed and pulled and tried its damnedest to rip you apart, but you kept holding on. For nine months, you held on."... 

"Exactly!" I said. "Which should feel good, right? So many people don't survive. Families are torn apart by mental illness. Ours wasn't. People kill themselves every day. Giulia didn't. So why don't I feel happy?" 

"Look around you, Mark," my therapist said. "Look at the carnage: the demolished hotels, the uprooted trees, the crumpled cars. The realization that not everyone made it. The worst is over. But the way you once knew it, is gone." She was right. Nothing was the same. Nothing could ever be the same. Our bliss, our puppy love from college, our charmed lives, it was all gone. Giulia's psychosis and depression would color the rest of our relationship. Maybe even my own happiness wouldn't come as easily as it always had. I would have to work for it and have the courage to do the work."

And that is what scares me. That my depression is going to color everyone else's happiness. It's one thing for it to change the rest of my life, one thing for me to be the one to actively have to work at it but for everyone else in my family to have work at being happy every day because of me? To me, that is unacceptable. I am not OK with that and that really upsets me. This book also shows you, in heartbreaking detail, that the vows "in sickness and health" are difficult to adhere to and shouldn't be said flippantly but often are. So often young couples stand at an altar and just say their vows without really thinking about what they mean and give up so easily on marriage. When things get hard, or they don't know what to do, they get divorced and hope the next go round is easier. Mark and Giulia are proving that while it isn't easy, it isn't without rewards. They may have difficult times but they have good times too. 

And just... my heart goes out to you guys. I'm terrified of my own journey because I'm cognizant enough to realize that I'm not getting better. I don't know what's wrong with me but I know I'm not dealing with simple depression anymore and I know I'm not going to be able to be flippant about my medication anymore and I need help and I am terrified to be hospitalized. I'm grateful that Matt hasn't thrown in the damn towel because I know I am a nightmare to deal with right now. But this story is just everything. I devoured it this weekend, I cried. It's no coincidence that it's Mother's Day weekend, I was an emotional hot mess and this book was everything that I needed. Five stars. Easily. You need this in your life. 

If you, or someone you love struggles with mental illness I highly encourage you to read this book. You can purchase your own copy on the Harper Collins website but you can also find it on Amazon.