It Takes One to Tango

*I received an ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review, all thoughts are my own.*

If you are a long time reader of this blog you'll know that I've been married to my husband Matt for thirteen years. It has been a hard road to say the least. I haven't really talked about the giant pot holes we've experienced, mostly because it isn't my story to tell. We've gone to counseling. I have read countless books. I have realized that after fifteen years together total, Matt is not the person who is going to change. He is a terrible communicator, he isn't great for my emotional needs, and when it comes to empathy he rivals a dead houseplant. I've come to realize that if I'm going to be happy, I am on my own. I cannot count on Matt for anything other than financial stability,  heavy lifting, killing spiders, and cleaning up blow out diapers and puke. All big, important things, OBVIOUSLY, but sometimes I want to cry and have my spouse care.

Clearly, this book was screaming my name.

It Takes One to Tango - Winifred M. Reilly

With a focus on self-empowerment and resilience, this refreshing and witty relationship guide has a reassuring counterintuitive message for unhappy spouses: you only need one partner to initiate far-reaching positive change in a marriage.

Conventional wisdom says that “it takes two” to turn a troubled marriage around and that both partners must have a shared commitment to change. So when couples can’t agree on how—or whether—to make their marriage better, many give up or settle for a less-than-satisfying marriage (or think the only way out is divorce).

Fortunately, there is an alternative.

It Takes One to Tango is a groundbreaking guide that shows how one determined partner—acting alone—can spark lasting, significant change in a marriage, often accomplishing change that cannot be made any other way. It doesn’t matter how short-fused, argumentative, or seemingly impossible your partner can be—or how long you’ve been stuck.

Marriage and family therapist Winifred Reilly has this message for struggling partners: Take the lead. Doing so is effective—and powerful. Through Reilly’s own story of reclaiming her now nearly forty-year marriage, along with anecdotes from many clients she’s worked with, you’ll learn how to:

-Focus on your own behaviors and change them in ways that make you feel good about yourself and your marriage

-Take a firm stand for what truly matters to you without arguing, cajoling, or resorting to threats

-Identify the “big picture” issues at the basis of your repetitive fights—and learn how to unhook from them

-Be less reactive, especially in the face of your spouse’s provocations

-Develop the strength and stamina to be the sole agent of change

Combining psychological theory, practical advice, and personal narrative, It Takes One to Tango is a fresh and engaging guide that will empower those who choose to take a bold, proactive approach to creating a loving and lasting marriage. 

Let's just get into this, shall we? The book is broken up into three parts (For Better-or Worse, Now What Do I Do, and Welcome to Your Stronger, More Loving Relationship) and each part has little sub-chapters in it. The first section is basically a background of the author's own marriage and how she had an Oprah like "AHA moment" at a continuing education conference led by Ellyn Bader who talked about marriage. Winifred Reilly is a counselor and often deals with couples on the brink of divorce, for various reasons, and she (like so many others) finds difficulty on guiding these couples through troubled waters when her own marriage isn't an example of what a relationship should be. Like so many couples they bicker, fight over stupid stuff, and over time drift apart. Winifred and her husband had wildly different measures of contentment and the status quo so it's no wonder they were at odds all these years later.

And raise your hand if that mirrors your own relationship- I would bet all of us are sitting at our computers with our hands in the air like morons.

So part two is the meat of the book, it's essentially free marriage counseling with concrete how to steps on changing your marriage, all by yourself. So many of my friends are open to counseling but their husband won't go, doesn't see the point, doesn't think anything is wrong with him, etc and that's OK- that's why this book was written. Easily my FAVORITE chapter was the "Keep your anxiety from running the show: Strengthen your tolerance for the things that push your buttons" and holy hell, that is what I needed. Matt and I are very different communicators. I am very open, I'm willing to talk about anything and everything, and if I have an issue- I say it. Matt is the exact opposite. He says nothing. Ever. I could ask him a point blank question and I will get absolute silence. Eventually, when I get so angry at getting zero response, he'll say things like, "I was trying to think.." and then I lose it all together because I'm a mom, I will wait you out, buddy. We will sit on this damn couch for 45 minutes until you think of something but you damn sure aren't getting out of here without saying a word.

Cue the silent showdown. It's really terrible and I hate it. This book covers that. I'm trying really hard to implement the suggestions and it is HARD. At this point I seriously wonder if he is trying to send me over the edge on purpose.

The other chapter I really identified with was called, "What Happens Once You Calm Down?- Growing Separately, together". The best time in our marriage was around 2012-2014. I decided that since Matt didn't like to do the things I liked to do, and it was a nightmare to find a sitter for over nights and he always works, that I would go out with my friends. I went to concerts, I went to dinner with friends to talk, I would go out running and really took care of myself. I was the best wife during those times because I was happy. Not only that, but I was a great mom. I got breaks away from it all and I really feel like that was the key to a happy marriage/life. I didn't let the small things bother me, I felt like I more attentive to Matt, our communication was better, all things were functioning better in our relationship. When I look at life  now and it's really awful, I see I'm not doing any of those things and we're all paying for it. I don't think having separate interests means you're bound to grow apart, it did the opposite for us. On page 220 there's a line that has always been a guiding thing for me, "..it's our job to make ourselves happy in our relationship." and it is so true.

Overall? I'm giving this book 5 stars. Truly. You know I don't give those out willy nilly but this is one of the first self help books I've read that left me feeling inspired and optimistic. I really think this is a great gift to newly married couples who think they'll never hit that rut, because we ALL hit that rut. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high, people think the lovey-dovey phase will always be around and nope... it sure won't. That fades, but you have to look around and see what is still there, hopefully a solid foundation. There is a certain calm and confidence you have when you know that without a doubt, you have someone who will always have your back even if you are dead wrong. Which reminds me of the time I made a scene at a local business because I was absolutely SURE I had just gotten ripped off. Matt was with me but figured it out far quicker than me that I was actually totally wrong and making an ass out of myself. He went along with it, backing me up, and as we were leaving he says, "you know you were totally wrong, right?", to which I replied, "Yup, but I was too far in before I figured it out." and we just laughed. So though Matt drives me to the edge of my sanity, I know he will always have my back.

You can catch up with author Winifred M. Reilly through her website, her Facebook, or on Twitter!

Lucy's First Birthday

The actual day of Lucy's birthday was tough. My plan was to stay as busy as possible so that I couldn't focus on my feelings. Because avoidance always works, right?

The worst part is that the day I gave birth to Lucy had started with me waking up to blood everywhere, that's what cued me to have Matt come home and take me in. Also keep in mind I only get a day or period every few months, in the last year I have only had menstrual bleeding for 4 days total. The morning of her birthday I didn't feel right and when I went to the bathroom to get dressed? Blood everywhere. I seemingly had gotten a period and that was my first panic attack of the day. It was horrible.

Around mid-morning Lucy had her check up appointment at the doctor and I was so flustered I had forgotten to ask about her feet being purple when she wakes up from naps or in the morning. I'm pretty sure she also has Raynaud's Phenomenon like me but I just wanted to make sure. She got her vaccinations and handled them like a champ.

After her nap Matt had come home because the one thing I really wanted to do on her birthday, even if it was emotionally detrimental to me, was visit the birthing center. I wanted to show them that I made it, Lucy made it, say thank you, and show them that their hard work in a scary situation paid off. We brought cookies that my friend Becky made (she made our wedding cake, too!) and it was... surreal.

It's probably best that it was going through a major remodel when I was having Lucy and nothing looks the same. They said my room doesn't look the same at all so it wouldn't bring any memories most likely. I don't know that I could have gone in there anyways. I got to see so many people and even my delivering doctor walked over from clinic real quick and that was a surprise. I have connected with some of these people on Facebook so they've seen some of my struggles this year and though I still struggle every day, I'm trying so hard. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Our nurses gave me some flowers and had a little gift for Lucy (which she absolutely loves, by the way!!) and it was so nice to visit with them. I was doing alright until we left. I started feeling a prickly heat as we went down in the elevator and walked down the hallway to the front door of the hospital. I remember that walk from the day I left last year. By the time we got into the van I was in tears. I cried the whole way home. The full weight of the last year sitting right in my chest.

When we got home we let Lucy play and took some cute pictures.

She's such a doll. I feel like I'm just now bonding with her.

She loved her balloons, she plays with that doodle board every day and fights Penelope for it.

Our family tradition is that we have one gift for the kiddos to open on their birthday, and one the day of their party. (Except age 9 is the last party we do, family rules.)

Our gift to Lucy was a little Fisher Price instrument set and she loved it!

My friend Tammy had flowers delivered to me and it was so sweet. My friend Andrea had my amazing purse making friend Jessica make a purse I adored.

My mother in law brought me a pretty plant and these are the flowers from my favorite nurses. I had gotten so many texts and emails from people wishing me well and letting me know they were thinking of me. It meant so much to be remembered. I went to bed with a heavy heart, an uncertainty in my future, and a few tears.

That weekend we were having a small birthday party for Lucy and I was doing OK until the day of. My anxiety was high and I honestly debated on calling it all off the night before. I decided to just pull my crap together and do it because it's not about me, it's about Lucy. Lucy deserves everything the other kids have had even if it's rough on me. I'm in counseling, what's another session?

This is the amazing cake my friend Becky made for the party, you can tell we were going with a Dory theme.

Lucy had her first sucker, loved eating all of the cake and ate her weight in baked beans. (You can imagine what a treat those diapers were the day after. HA!)

She had fun with the water table, soaked herself through and through. Bounced in the small jumpy house a long time, and played with her cousin Adriana.

It was a great party. Lucy got some great gifts, we got to see our good friends, and it ended up being a great end to a really rough week.

But Lucy is officially one. WE MADE IT.

Inked

*This post contains affiliate links.*

So, I was just browsing Amazon one day (as one would do during nap time, obviously) and I saw this book pop up in the whole "you'd probably like this AND it's on sale" area. Impulse buy. I can't even feel shame.

Inked - Lauren Landish and Willow Winters

One look, and panties drop. One night, and they’re ready to marry me. 

Too bad I’m not interested in anything more than a taste. 

Until I’m tempted by Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes. She’s a good girl, the kind I want to possess, dominate, ruin. No one’s ever told me no, and I’m not about to let it stop me now. 

She keeps pushing me away, even with her curvy body pressed against mine and those soft moans spilling from her lips. 

But I’m persistent. She doesn’t stand a chance. And now that she’s moved in next door, it’s only a matter of time before I'll have her screaming my name. 

She can try to run, but she’s not getting away from the bad boy next door. 

Alright, I have to start this review by telling you this almost landed in my did not finish pile and that's no easy feat. I tend to finish books even when I hate them because I am always hopeful the author can turn the hot mess around. If I tell you I didn't finish it, it sucks and you need to save your money, point blank. My issue with this book actually was Zane at the beginning when he first meets Madeline. Zane is very alpha male and Madeline isn't confident around men and has sworn them off. Both are in a bar and Zane zeroes in on Madeline and decides he's going to have sex with her and toss her to the wind.

Which, that alone is annoying to me but that isn't even what felt wrong to me.

That actually happens on page 37. Zane is laying it on thick with Madeline and all of her internal radar is going off and telling her to get out of this situation. Here's the passage:

"I try to make a run for it, but suddenly I'm sandwiched between the wall and a rock-hard body. 

Fuck. 

"Did I say you could leave?" Zane growls in my face. His voice is soft and sexy, not meant to be a threat, only a dare to stay."

Under absolutely no circumstance is this behavior OK. If this happened to me in real life, that guy's balls would be deflated and his penis in a world of hurt because I would have kicked him so hard he wouldn't have seen it coming. I know the authors were trying to achieve the strong alpha male but you can do that without the man coming off as a potential rapist.

I kept reading anyways and it turned out OK. It was an interesting story, Zane is in the mob against his will essentially and though he's a successful tattoo artist with his own shop, the mob owns him and he knows it. He can't afford to be in a relationship and potentially bring someone else into that world. Madeline doesn't want to be in a relationship after having been burned in the past, she wants to focus on her college studies but even she isn't immune to Zane's potent sexuality and charm and despite every alarm bell in her head going off, she can't help herself.

You know it's all going to go tits up with the mob involved and it does. A terribly bizarre shoot out ensues and the ending is predictable to an extent, but felt rushed to me. The book definitely feels like a quick romance pumped out by authors who believe in quantity over quality I think. It's self published and rightfully so, it feels like it's missing some oomph. Overall? I'm only giving this 2 out of 5 stars. The sex scenes are good, and I liked the relationship development even though Madeline is kind of unlikable, but the overall story feels hokey to me.

The Luster of Lost Things

*I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review, all thoughts and opinions are my own. This post also contains affiliate links.*

I am a sucker for a pretty cover and this one just tugged at me. It kind of reminded me of my son and his beloved stuffed dog that he's had since he was a baby.

The Luster of Lost Things - Sophie Chen Keller

Walter Lavender Jr. is a master of finding. A wearer of high-tops. A maker of croissants. A son keeping vigil, twelve years counting.

But he wouldn’t be able to tell you. Silenced by his motor speech disorder, Walter’s life gets lonely. Fortunately, he has The Lavenders—his mother’s enchanted dessert shop, where marzipan dragons breathe actual fire. He also has a knack for tracking down any missing thing—except for his lost father.

So when the Book at the root of the bakery’s magic vanishes, Walter, accompanied by his overweight golden retriever, journeys through New York City to find it—along the way encountering an unforgettable cast of lost souls.

Steeped in nostalgic wonder, The Luster of Lost Things explores the depths of our capacity for kindness and our ability to heal. A lyrical meditation on why we become lost and how we are found, from the bright, broken heart of a boy who knows where to look for everyone but himself. 

You know what I love? That this book has an obese golden retriever. I don't know why but that is absolutely endearing to me. I am so in love with this book because I could absolutely picture quiet Walter sitting in this bakery, going on missions to find things. Walter has a speech disorder but his quietness makes him an excellent finder. The really magical thing is when the desserts inside of the Lavenders (his mother Lucy's dessert shop) come alive. The Lavenders is an enchanted little shop after Lucy's kindness was noticed by a stranger in need, the stranger leaves a magical book that basically blessed the little shop.

The story takes a turn when the book goes missing, along with the magic, and business essentially dwindles. On the edge of losing it all (and keep in mind Lucy is a single mother raising Walter so this is their only form of income and security since Walter's father is long gone), Walter is determined to find the book and help his mother. So begins a transformation in Walter as he learns he's capable, gains confidence, and finds the courage inside of him. (Which begs the question, is the book meant to be a blessing to Lucy but also to Walter in a different way?) I absolutely loved this book and so many times I wanted to hug little Walter and tell him what a special kid he is. The other great thing is this story has SO many great characters that Walter meets along the way, all in various stages of loneliness. Walter helps them all in different ways, a trait he has learned from his mother, no doubt.

If I had to criticize this book at all, I would say that in spots it is a bit sluggish and slow to read. I feel like this would make it hard for kids to stay tuned in but for adults it wouldn't be an issue. What I do love is that it's a great book for classroom discussion and so many books out of Penguin Random House have a reading guide that you can use when gauging student's reading comprehension. I really loved this book and I could pick out ten kids that I know that could benefit from the little lessons and observations this book gives. If you have a kiddo aged 10 and above, I think easily they could get into this and enjoy it. I used it as a read aloud for my two older kids (ages 9 and 12) and they also enjoyed it.

Dryland

*I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own. This post also contains affiliate links*

I have some cute pictures from Lucy's first birthday party to share with you later this week, but today and tomorrow I'll have a couple of book reviews for you. I feel like summer reads should be light and fun, and as we go into fall (already, I know, I'm also in denial about this) I tend to pick up "heavier" reads, and this would be a perfect one to add to that list.

Dryland - Nancy Stearns Bercaw

For swimming champion Nancy Stearns Bercaw, the pool was a natural habitat. But on land, she could never shake the feeling of being a fish out of water. Starting at age two, Nancy devoted her life to swimming, even qualifying for the 1988 Olympic Trials in the fifty-meter freestyle event. But nearly two decades later, when she hung up her cap and goggles, she was confronted with a different kind of challenge: learning who she was out of the lanes.

In this honest, intimate memoir, Nancy reflects on her years wandering the globe, where tragic events and a lost sense of self escalate her dependence on booze. Thirty-three years after her first sip of alcohol, the swimmer comes to a stunning realization while living with her husband and son in Abu Dhabi—she’s drowning in the desert. Nancy looks to the Bedouin people for the strength to conquer one final opponent: alcohol addiction.

I have to tell you right up front that I don't drink alcohol. Not at all, ever. My biological father was an alcoholic and I remember learning about genetics and being predisposed to things like alcoholism in high school. It terrified me. The more I got to thinking about it the more I realized I likely would never know when I had crossed that line from casual drinker to alcoholic, can any addict tell you when they officially became that person? I didn't think it would be possible, to tip toe to that line and beat a genetic fate so I just never did it. I have friends who are in various stages of recovery, some who won't seek help, and even more who can casually drink and not let it become a problem. Truly, I think everyone can relate to this book. 

Nancy is an accomplished swimmer from a young age, constantly trying to win at winning, and is also an alcoholic. The book follows her from present day living in Abu Dhabi, deep in the throes of addiction and mental illness, and her rise to greatness beginning as a child. The greatest part about this book is the way Nancy shares her story, while most of us can't relate to being a competitive swimmer or being an American in a foreign land, it doesn't matter. She is so raw, and so unflinchingly honest that you feel like you're talking to a friend confessing the rock bottom of her life. Her mission to just get a medication refill that turns into a medical journey that prompts her to make changes and embark on the hardest race of her life, sobriety. 

Overall? I really enjoyed this book, a solid 4 out of 5 stars. Her life living in different countries, being a part of the Peace Corps, her childhood and seeking validation through success and achievements, and her life as an alcoholic, I think so many women will identify with her. It's a fast read, it's around 250 pages but I was able to fly right through it easily and quickly. And of course, if you are on the road to sobriety, I think you'll enjoy this and hopefully see this as a positive beacon of hope. 

Even the Score

*This post contains affiliate links.*

I'm going to hang my head in shame and quietly admit that I just can't quit the book boxes. I can't. I've become somewhat of a recluse and I only leave my house for doctor appointments, the occasional run for food, and even less frequent outings with people, so my only joy is the mail.

Which is really sad because you know my mail is unreliable.

But about a month ago, Bookworm Box had an announcement that they lowered the price on their box but also went down to one book versus two, and promised "amazing swag" and you know I'm a sucker for that kind of thing, so I was obviously all in. Then I forgot about it until the box arrived and I was so excited to tear into the box!

The "amazing swag" ended up being two bookmarks and two stickers I immediately tossed out because honestly, who needs all of this? WHY? Also the pen, the dreaded pen... which actually exploded and got ink all over my counter that I had to scrub off, and then a large jar candle. Mine smells kind of lemony, which is alright, I like lemon smell. I have to say, I'm kind of bummed about one book versus two. That, to me, was the thing that set this box apart from everything else. I know some money goes to charity and that's awesome, but at the same time, you kind of want to feel like you're getting Christmas in the mail. I want to fan girl on my own box. So... yeah. Love/hate relationship that I can't quit.

BUT, because I am all caught up on my book reviews and have reviews typed and ready to go, I had time for a fun read so I started this one.

Even the Score - Beth Ehemann

Single dad Andy Shaw loves his job as a sports agent, with one exception: it doesn’t leave him much time for his kids. No parent likes being sidelined, so Andy decides to hire someone to share the workload. But when one of the hottest agents in the industry applies, Andy knows that this deal is definitely trouble.

Danicka Douglas works her butt off, but being an attractive woman in a testosterone-heavy industry isn’t exactly a cakewalk. She guards her professional reputation fiercely, which means no crushing on her gorgeous boss. But the more they ignore that sexy little spark, the more it sizzles…

Just when it looks like romance might be in the game plan, Dani is threatened by a stalker with dark intentions. To keep her safe, Andy must cross the line between professional and very personal…because this time, he’s playing for keeps.

I'll start by saying this isn't a book I would have purchased out in a store , but because it came in my Bookworm Box, I have a duty to read it. (So says my husband who just learned that I have a lot of books on my shelf I haven't gotten to yet.) (Yet it's not like he gives me all of this reading time so I CAN read them. Ahem.)  The cover is a little deceiving because you have a guy in a suit so you're thinking, maybe something along the lines of Fifty Shades but then you have a hint of a football field so then you think... ooh maybe it's an athlete?

No.

It's the story of two reps for athletes and they work in an office. Which... alright, I'll give it a chance. We have Andy, who has two kids and a nanny, but also a nightmare of an ex-wife. He's overworked and decides it's time to hire an assistant so after countless interviews, he hires Danicka. But with a twist because he totally offends her and the job offer comes kind of oddly. Anyways. So now these two are working together and then (dun dun dun) they start falling for each other. Danicka starts receiving scary messages and threats and like your standard female lead who is too strong/also a moron, she doesn't do anything until the threats hit home (literally). Enter Andy, a totally stand up guy who seemingly wants a challenge in head strong women, and he tries to make everything better.

Here's what I liked: I really liked Andy's character and the fact he was such a good dad. We don't see that often in books so I appreciate that angle. Here's what was meh: the story line that was meant to be "suspenseful". I know the author tried to give us several strings in the story so we we thinking maybe it was her rude client, maybe her old bosses, maybe Andy's wife, maybe a completely different nut, but the strings kind of fall flat, just left dangling there because they didn't get a solid ending. Except once we find out who was at the center of it... the lack of evidence leaves Andy to solve the case and... it feels so unrealistic and over the top that it just didn't work for me at all. Overall? I can only give this book 2/5 stars. I know I'm very much in the minority because a lot of reviewers are giving this book 4 and 5 stars. I think it's alright. It's not going to be a book that I'm eagerly telling my friends they have to read and it's probably not even one I'll remember to recommend? Nothing about it sticks out and even the romantic scenes are just.. meh.

We'll see what the Bookworm Box brings next month. Maybe.

What does one year post AFE look like, anyways?

I'll post probably next week and tell you all about Lucy's birthday, what we did, and our visit to the birth center, and how the day went overall. But today I'll talk about what the year has been like, and what it means to be post AFE at the one year mark.

Every journey is different and from what I understand, the time that it takes to revive you, the amount of blood you've lost, how long you're intubated and in a coma makes all the difference as far as your long lasting health effects. I can't remember all of my statistics but I'm trying to make a list so I can have accurate information for my book. But what I do know is I lost a LOT of blood, requiring multiple transfusions. That amount of hemorrhaging, combined with the stroke I had in the middle of all of it, destroyed my pituitary gland. That destruction has been the brunt of my health issues. Who knew that a blueberry sized gland in your head would be so crucial? I had no idea but it's one of the concerns they have for head injuries, not just because concussions are bad but because you can seriously damage your pituitary gland and you can't fix it. So let's talk about where I am health wise.

 My brother Travis visiting me. 

My current list of diagnoses include:

• Hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy: brain injury caused by oxygen deprivation to the brain
• Obstructive sleep apnea: I have a CPAP machine now and my nighttime sleep is GREATLY improved. Good sleep is crucial to healing my brain to give me the best chance to functioning better. 
• polyneuropathy: damage or disease affecting peripheral nerves in both sides of the body
• Acquired cognitive dysfunction: this encompasses my memory loss, short term memory, slowed cognitive functioning, inability to focus/stay attention, organize, etc. 
• Paresthesias: tingling/prickling sensation (I have it in my arms/hands/feet)
• Anoxic encephalopathy: brain tissue deprived of oxygen and global loss of brain function
• Dysthymia: mild but long term form of depression
• Migraines
• Acute PTSD
• Depression (major, recurrent)
• Adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety
• Occipital cerebral infarction: stroke in the occipital lobe
• Raynaud Phenomenon: condition where some areas of body feel numb/cool (I have this in my hands and feet)
• Panhypopituitarism: condition of inadequate or absent production of the anterior pituitary hormones. (I have no working hormones at all)
• Sheehan's Syndrome: only affects women who lose a life threatening amount of blood in childbirth and it damages your pituitary gland, which results in panhypopituitarism
• Amenorrhea, secondary: absence of a period, production of breast milk
• Diabetes Insipidus: disorder of salt and water metabolism marked by heavy thirst and heavy urination
• Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency: a disorder where the adrenal glands don't produce enough hormones.

It's a lot and it's serious. I've learned a whole lot in the last year about your body and how crucial hormones are, specifically Cortisol. I take a whole slew of medications every day, all of which I need to keep myself alive. Some of my conditions are more serious than others, but I have to say that diabetes insipidus? MOST ANNOYING. I take a half of pill of Desmopressin to control it. But it basically feels like I'm dying of thirst always and I can't stop peeing. It's super exciting.

This is what my daily regimen looks like. This doesn't show my DHEA (testosterone replacement) or my daily vitamin D that I take (prescription strength). I can't take regular ol' vitamins and supplements without approval because they can affect me differently than they would you.

The most serious issue I face that I don't have a handle on is my mental health. My depression, anxiety, and PTSD are serious and there is no easy fix. This shows all of the failed medications I've tried this year. I'm now on Wellbutrin and we're waiting to get the results from my GeneSight test to see which route would be best. The Wellbutrin isn't helping but I'm not losing it so I guess that's something.

The life threatening conditions I have, adrenal insufficiency and panhypopituitarism, require me to take a very precise medication to stay alive. If I don't take the correct dose of hydrocortisone, I am dead in 48-72 hours without medical intervention. If I get sick, it goes from fine to scary very quickly. I have this sheet from the Mayo Clinic that I have to have posted in my house and one in my purse at all times. I also have to have an emergency vial of 100mg of hydrocortisone on me at all times because if I get sick immediately, or get injured in any way, I have to get the injection immediately or I'm in serious danger.

But it's not over. I have some other issues that haven't been diagnosed yet. I see a rheumatologist in September because my recent lab work was alarming and points to a rheumalogical disorder. So stay tuned for that, sounds exciting, right? But the issue is I will randomly feel like a bus has hit me, like I've been beaten with baseball bats. Little amounts of exercise leave me bed ridden for days. This isn't me being dramatic either, it's serious. I'm so frustrated because I know if I could be more active it would help me mentally, but if I do anything I pay for it for days. As it turns out, a lot of AFE survivors suffer from auto immune disorders after wards so at least I feel like I'm going down the right road medically.

I do have to say that I would not have gotten through this year without the support of my family and friends. Early on friends, and strangers, donated to our GoFundMe fundraiser that was started by a close friend. We had people bringing us food, helping with school supplies and clothes for the big kids. People entertained the older kids while I was recovering. We were blessed with The Best Christmas Ever and our community gave our family Christmas as a complete surprise. My friends have helped me a TON throughout the year. My mom comes every day to help me with Penelope and Lucy because I'm not supposed to be by myself with them for too long because of my cognitive issues. Matt's parents have helped us a lot with taking the older kids to things because I can't and Matt is working. Their elementary school teachers have been supportive, and my medical team is top notch. To say we are beyond blessed is an understatement.

I face a lot of challenges even still. My medical bills are out of control. My prescriptions are ridiculous in cost. I travel to the Mayo every 3-5 months and that isn't cheap. I'm not able to work because I'll never be dependable. I'm sick randomly and I'm supposed to avoid stress. HA! Add to that and my cognitive issues and short term memory loss? I would be a nightmare to train. I wouldn't trust me with anything. Hell, I don't even drive with the babies because I'm not confident I would remember them in the car. I forget my keys in the car all the time, my purse too. It's terrible and it's terrifying.

So while everyone rallies in the moments of crisis, I think it's assumed that you just get better and everything is fine. But in our case, nope. It's endless doctor appointments, labs all of the time, medication changes, and struggling at home. It's been a major life adjustment and we're still working out the kinks. We're still learning what it's like to be in this new normal. The amount of money we shell out every year from now on for me to survive is astounding, even with insurance. The real MVP this year is Matt who works SO MANY hours every week so we can pay the bills. We aren't living large, we really are barely making it. When I say we would not have made it without all of the help we got, I am not kidding. So THANK YOU. To every person who donated to our family, everyone who (anonymously or not) dropped off diapers, wipes, food, clothes, gift cards, etc, people who helped us with the older kids, people who sent the kids things in the mail, people who gave me rides to the doctors or sat with me during the darkest days. You have no idea what it means to me, to our entire family, but you saved us. Thank you. <3 p="">