Secret Baby, Second Chance

Before I get into this post, CALM DOWN, it's just a book review. I'm not pregnant or running away, just calm down lambs. OK?

OK. Let's do this.

Secret Baby, Second Chance - Jane Godman

A terrorized young mother and her secret child return home, where a killer awaits...She's alive! Vincente Delaney has finally found his girlfriend, Beth Wade, who disappeared a year and a half ago, alive. But he's shocked to discover someone with her: their child, a little girl he never knew about! Once upon a time, lone wolf Vincente never expected forever with Beth, but now he must put everything on the line to protect her and their family.Beth was forced to leave Vincente to protect everything she held dear. But now the threat to her loved ones' lives has reared its ugly head again. As danger approaches, she and Vincente must delve into her past to cast out the darkness jeopardizing their future.

I'm kind of mixed on this one for a couple of reasons. One, this is exactly the same cheesy cover you would associate with Harlequin from years ago. Normally this would be a turn off for me, I wouldn't see this on a table or shelf at Barnes & Noble and pick it up, it feels run of the mill. So the cover was blah. I should also note that this is the third in the Sons of Stillwater series but these are stand alone. I didn't even realize it was further into a series until I had finished it up, and I didn't feel like I was missing important plot information from previous books, they are all their own story, so don't let that hold you back.

Alright so this book is mostly about Beth, on the run with her baby from an unknown killer. Vincente is the baby daddy and her lover with which she had a very hot and cold affair with, and he's set out to find her. When he does, he discovers he has a child and his immediate anger at Beth for keeping that from him is replaced by concern, and maybe a little love, when he realizes that Beth has a legitimate fear for her and her baby's life. The concern is around a hiking trip she took years ago in which a hiker was severely injured, and later murdered. Someone is taking out each hiker one by one and taunting them until they get to them. Vincente vows to protect Beth and bring this murderer to justice.

Overall? It almost reminded me of Dean Koontz's IceBound, something I read way back in my high school days (adult books were far more entertaining), because of the connection with snow and mountains and hidden killers. I had a hard time sticking with it but once the story got going and my interest in who the real killer was, and why, I stuck with it and was pleasantly surprised that I couldn't figure out who the killer was despite the clues that I put together in hindsight. Overall? A solid 3/5 stars. I will say that Harlequin continues to deliver solid romance and this one is accurately dubbed as Romantic Suspense, it delivered for its genre.

   

Anxious energy = bookshelf organization

One of the things in my house that always makes people say, "Holy crap, Sara!" are my bookshelves. It's my pride and joy. I'm not even kidding. 

I have a lot of people who come over to borrow books and I realized I'm always going from one side of the room to the next, and it's crazy. Olivia wants to read Young Adult and I have those all mixed around and it's just a mess. 

 See? 

So my solution was to spend the afternoon on New Year's Day and organize it all. 

 So that's what I did. I  made my own genre dividers for non-fiction and young adult because everything else is fiction. But now Olivia will know exactly what books are OK for her to read. I don't need her picking up Fifty Shades of Grey and asking me questions I'm not ready to answer. 

 I also had artwork and cute things friends had sent me and I thought now would be an OK time to finally hang them! The dot photo in the middle is from my blog reader, Bev and she makes the coolest pictures! 

 My two photo frames that are falling apart so I put them on the wall so they wouldn't get knocked over and break. I also found that cool wooden sign at a local funky junk store. 

But you want to see my after shelves, right?? 

 So these shelves are on the wall you can't see from the dining room area. I have a lot of my dirty romance novels on here, not all of them but the majority are over here. All of my Linda Howard books are on the very top. Oh- and you can see the hand drawn goat picture my Australian friend Jandy made me, the coffee mug Jackson made me and the maracas from my grandparent's trip to Mexico forever ago. 

 This is my large wall of books! You can't see my dividers well here but the bottom row and three quarters of the second row are my YA books, the rest of the shelf is non-fiction. The top three are fiction. Some are chick lit, some are romance, basically I have every genre covered here somewhere. 

I didn't take a picture of my third set of shelves because I'm still working that area out. It's my review books, my to-do basket, random things. I have to figure out a good way to manage it.

I've mentioned last year my goal was to read the things that have been on my shelf for awhile versus buying new books. I found the PERFECT motivation for that!

If you're interested in joining, head over to NovelKnight for challenge details. Every time you read a book published in 2017 or earlier, you get a point for your team (teams are randomly assigned). The team with the most points at specific points in the year are then eligible to win prizes! It'll be a good way to keep me accountable, get me to my 105 book goal for Goodreads, give you reviews, and justify my ridiculous amount of purchases. WIN for us all. 

Cage

Oh lambs... this is book 104 of my Goodreads challenge!!! My goal was 100, I clearly spanked it, so next year I'm going to shoot for 105. Crazy pants!

Cage - Harper Sloan

Greg Cage was born to protect. While growing up, he was his mother and sister’s shield against the world… until he failed. For the last decade, he has carried that guilt and need for vengeance around… until it was stripped from him. Now, with his best friend getting married and no longer needing his protection, he is even more lost, completely adrift, and desperate for some control. All he has ever known was how to protect: his family, his friends, and his country. Can he go against everything he has ever known, and give up that control?

Melissa Larson will never let anyone hold the reins in her life. She has been the rock in her family for more years than she can remember, and the fight to keep them together is her main priority right now. She has always been fiercely independent and proud. The last thing she will ever do is ask for someone else’s help. But when that choice is out of her control, forcing her to rely on others to save her and her family, and pick up the pieces that are left, will she be able to let someone else be her strength?

The second Greg locks eyes with Meli, he knows that she is someone he needs. Someone he craves. Meli knew the second she met Greg that he would be nothing but trouble and heartache. Her life takes an unexpected turn, and that bitch Fate is back to wreak more havoc on another member of the Corps family.

All hell breaks loose, leaving Greg no choice but to call in a favor. He hooks back up with his old friend Braxxon Breaker from the Breakneck MC. Together, they make sure that nothing threatens anyone Greg loves again.

Let's just say right out of the gate I'm giving a solid 4/5 stars. I'm itching so badly to give one of these books a full 5, and I'm going to guess that will happen when I get to Locke's book.

I really liked Greg Cage in the first book, AXEL, so I was pretty excited he was the next book, it felt like a logical step. In this one we have Cage meeting a nurse, Melissa, and it's basically love at first sight for him, but she has vowed to never let a man in. The connection between these two is that each of their sisters were caught up in the same guy and they both ended up dead. Once Cage makes that connection he thinks it would send Melissa running so he doesn't say anything right away. That catches up with him, we have drama with her sister's ex-mother in law, we have Cage's ex-girlfriend who is fifty shades of CRAZY, and then we have an introduction to some kind of career criminal, who I'm oddly hoping is a catalyst for another series. It's just a LOT going on in this book but I felt like that was more entertaining than the first book where I kept wishing something would happen. A lot happens in here. Which is easily my favorite part of the book. Also? Cage's dick piercings. Oh my. I had to Google an image and yeah... that's really something.

Things that were meh about the book? Melissa is kind of irrational. She flies off into despair over everything. Everything is a crisis worthy of being sedated to get through it. It's just really unrealistic. And Cage constantly saying the word "baby" was enough to make me scream. I felt like I should have kept count but I'm glad I didn't because that alone would make me knock it down a star. Can I just say though, that when Cage would say, "I need you to say the words" in order to get a concrete answer from Melissa, that was kind of hot. I really liked that even though I thought maybe I wouldn't, turns out I do.

So far, I'm really enjoying this series. I think I have purchased the rest of them now so I'll be working my way through them soon!

The end of the worst year of my life.

I know I said last year was the worst year of my life, but that's not true. If anything it really was the best year. Sure, I died and that's not ideal, but I saw the kindness of so many people, people who knew me and even more who didn't and it's hard to not be buoyed by that. My family was completed with Lucy's birth. So many good things happened in 2016 that I can't call it my worst year.

2017 grabbed that title easily. Here's why:

• I started the year off with my first suicide attempt. It wasn't real serious, it was more of a trial run with messing with medications just to see what would happen. I ended up in the ER and back home in a few hours, but I felt awful for weeks. 
• I thought 2016 was my rock bottom with depression and that wasn't true. 2017 wanted me to hold it's beer and show me how it's really done. I have never in my life gone through the harrowing moments I did this year. I suffer mostly in silence because I'm scared what people will think when I tell them what's going through my head. Instead, I mostly cry in the shower as every horrible thought goes through my head like a movie reel I can't stop. 
• I tried so many medications to improve my mental health and I finally understand when people say the side effects are almost worst than the illness itself. I have dealt with bugs crawling on me, electronic shocks all over my body, numbness in all of my limbs, shooting pain down my limbs, the worst migraines of my life, stomach pains that rivaled labor contractions, and uncontrollable thoughts. 
• In the spring I stood at Enger Tower and stood with my arms outstretched on the edge of the cliff. I just felt the wind going through my fingers and voice telling me to do it. It was the most liberating, and most terrifying, feeling I have ever felt in my life. 
• I realized just how disabled I am. Sure, there are lots of things I can still do, but a lot of the things that made me like myself are things I can no longer do. I am learning that I never learned to love myself for myself and if I'm not doing something perfectly, it's OK. If I'm not the best, the quietest, the most organized, the over achiever, it's OK. It doesn't feel OK. I'm just a regular nobody if I'm not over achieving. 
• I had more panic attacks than I want to admit. More outbursts that scared my children and Matt. I learned that PTSD isn't a joke and it doesn't care how much therapy you do, it will always find you. I have spent more days crying in my dark closet than I have doing something I enjoy. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
• In November it was everything I could do to not pull over on the Blatnik Bridge and get out. I felt like I actually had no control over it. The only thing keeping me here is guilt and I'm sick of feeling guilty about everything. I just want peace. 
• I have sat in parking garages of the hospital and sobbed because I'm sick of being diagnosed with another thing. I'm sick of feeling like every ache or pain is a larger ailment, that I'm falling apart and I have no control over it. I am sick of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me. I'm sick of people assuming I'm fine because I "look good" when inside I'm constantly looking for a way out of life. 

With all of that, it's not hard to think that 2018 has to be better. Just statistically, a single person can't have continuous awfulness, right? I mean, it has to surely end sometime. So let's talk about my goals for 2018. I no longer have resolutions, I'm giving myself goals. 

• Lose 5 pounds. Seems easy and lame but it's going to be everything in me to lose that given all of my health issues and restrictions. I'm going to try though. 
• Do a boudoir shoot. I feel like I'm at the most disgusting physical state that I have ever been in and every time I look in the mirror I cry at how wrecked my body is, it's been to actual hell and back and I hate every inch of it. Seems logical to do this photo shoot, right? I figure maybe someday I can do another one and it'll be an improvement. 
• Do a regression therapy session. I feel like I really need to go back to my trauma and see it happen. I am hopeful, I am terrified, I am every range of emotion. I worry that my emotional state will be worse afterwards but honestly, what do I have to lose at this point? 
• Do one fun mini trip with my kids and Matt. Last year we did Florida and that's not happening this year, but I'd like to do something with them. 
• Find a medication cocktail that actually works and that I can afford. 
• Go to a concert. I have two on deck for next year, but I'd like to find two more. 
• Read 105 books. 
• Plan a 15th anniversary trip with Matt for 2019. Just us, no kids. 
• Finish my book. I am half way through it and I'm finding I need to take large breaks between writing sessions because I am an emotional mess. 
• Do a random act of kindness every month. One of things that used to give me joy is spreading kindness, doing something nice just because for someone. I've started on that this month already but I am running on the theory that if I do it more, it'll bring more joy. We'll see. 

I hope 2018 is kinder to you as well. I know we all have problems. People are out there dying and they don't want to, and I'm over here wishing I was dead. I understand the absurdity of that. It is what it is. These are the cards I was given, I'm shuffling them and dealing them out as many different ways as I can and I'm trying. Nobody can say I'm not trying. God speed, lambs. 

One Pink Line

You guys.. this is book 103 for the year!! How many more can I finish?? We'll have to see.

This one came in one of my Bookworm Boxes months ago and I've read another book by this author and it was pretty OK so I figured I'd probably like this one, too. And I did but for different reasons.

One Pink Line - Dina Silver

Can the love of a lifetime be forever changed by one pink line? Dina Silver's tender, absorbing novel, One Pink Line, is a warmhearted, wry story of love, loss and family, as seen through the prism of one singular, spirited young couple who find themselves in a predicament that changes the course of their lives, and those closest to them. With heart, humor and compassion, this debut work of women's fiction is certain to stir anyone who relishes a good laugh, can stand a good cry, and, above all believes in the redemptive power of love.

This unique, contemporary story gives readers a dual perspective. Sydney Shephard, a sweet-tempered, strong-natured college senior is young, in love with an exceptional man, and unexpectedly pregnant. Faced with a child she never planned for, she is forced to relay this news to her neurotic mother, relinquish her youth, and risk losing the love of her life. Then there's Grace, a daughter, who believed she was a product of this great love, grows to realize her existence is not what she assumed, and is left with profound and puzzling questions about who she really is.

Spanning generations and every imaginable emotion, One Pink Line reveals how two points of view can be dramatically at odds, and perhaps ultimately reconciled. Simultaneously deeply felt and lighthearted, One Pink Line deftly mines how the choices we make are able to alter so many lives, and how doing the right thing and living honestly can bring unexpected, hard-won happiness. It's a must-read for anyone who craves a great love story, absorbing characters, and plenty of laughs along the way.

I feel like I should mention I'm kind of at war on whether to bill this as romance, contemporary romance, or chick-lit. It's a little bit of everything and I feel like the main story isn't really Sydney and Ethan, it's Sydney and her daughter Grace. But Ethan is important too, so... it's a toss up. 

In this story we have Sydney, living up her high school years pining over a boy who doesn't know her from a hole in the wall. She meets Ethan, who clearly has been pining over her, and they quickly fall in love. Sydney is constantly surprised at Ethan's dedication, his logic, his calm personality, and even though they go to different colleges, they maintain the long distance relationship. Until Sydney gets restless once she knows Ethan is graduating and taking a job in a different city and won't be able to come home like he used to, so she decides maybe she doesn't want to be tied down. Her childish decision lands her with a one night stand with a friend, she ends up pregnant, the dad abandons her, and she makes big decisions for herself.

She goes on to have the child, her and Ethan slowly reconnect, and surprisingly- he doesn't hate her. He wants to be involved in everything but she doesn't want him to feel obligated now that she's a package deal. The story flip flops from all of these dramatic years to present day when Grace (the baby Sydney had) learns that her dad (Ethan) is not really her dad. She starts asking questions and becomes flat out hostile to her mother. I actually felt like Sydney should have set that girl straight from the word go about what a loser her sperm donor was and how she should be appreciative that Ethan loves her like she's biologically his. All of the questions get answered, and though I almost gave up on the book, I'm glad I finished it.

Overall I'm giving this one 3/5 stars because it wasn't awful but I really wanted more romance since that's the kick I'm on, and this wasn't really that. Overall the story was good but I fear college age girls would read this and get their hopes up because let's face it, 9 out of 10 boys are jerks and wouldn't stick around like Ethan and take it all in stride.

The Wildwater Walking Club

I'm almost embarrassed to admit how long this one has been on my to-be-read shelf.... since 2010ish. I know, it's embarrassing and Matt would maybe have a stroke if he knew that, but to be fair, I got it on a major sale so that makes it better in my reasoning.

Anyways.

I picked this up because it was right around the time that I was starting to really try to lose weight and if you're a long time reader of this blog you might remember my love/hate relationship with the fuckmill... the name I so lovingly gave my treadmill. It seemed only fitting that I pick it up now because I'm trying to get back into that motivational spot I was in. Trying.

The Wildwater Walking Club - Claire Cook

After losing her boyfriend and her job in one fell swoop, Noreen has no idea what her next step is. So she puts on a new pair of sneakers and a seriously outdated pair of exercise pants, and walks. Before long she's joined by two neighbors as lost as she is and figures out time flies and fitness is actually fun when you're walking with friends. Throw in a road trip to Seattle for a lavender festival, a career-coaching group that looks like a bad sequel to The Breakfast Club, some terrific romantic comedy twists and turns, a quirky multigenerational cast of supporting characters, and the result is a tribute to female friendship that will inspire you to pick up the phone and call all your old friends--or maybe even start your own walking group.

Alright, from the book description alone, this book sounds intriguing. I'm going to be upfront and wish that there was more between Noreen and her loser boyfriend, I think that would have really made the book a better read for me. I'll just toss that out upfront. The book centers primarily around Noreen, freshly unemployed and dumped, she is a gal "of a certain age" so it isn't like she's got a spring in her step (you see what I did there??), she isn't that fresh face anymore. Though her resume is spectacular, she doesn't know who she is outside of that piece of paper so she's using her 18 months of paid unemployment to do that. Her last (and only) act of rebellion is to purchase a bunch of shoes from the company who unceremoniously kicked her out and decides she may as well put them to good use. She meets two neighbors who not only offer to help her with a clothesline and lavender garden, but they go on these walks with her. All of the women are at different stages of their lives but all are at a crossroads of sorts, and that's basically all they have in common. None of the women seem to actually like each other so, from my own experience with walking groups, if you don't like the people it isn't going to last. It's really like dating, I give you one shot, that's it.

Aside from the three women not liking each other (or so it seems), I didn't like Noreen's attitude towards her mother, and I could NOT stand Tess. I know it's billed as fast an easy read, and I suppose it would be but I had a hard time picking it back up to keep continuing. Put it this way, it doesn't make me eager to find the next book (I guess it's a two book series??) or anything else by this author. It's going in my donate pile. It was.. 2/5 stars. I didn't hate it but I definitely didn't love it, it was just blah.

Also? If you're keeping tabs- this is book 102 of the year for me. Two over my goal!

Reliving trauma.

One of the things I had never understood with PTSD victims is when they would discuss "reliving trauma" and how small things can be big triggers. I didn't fully understand what a trigger is or why it's a big deal.

Until now.

I totally get it. For the last year that I've been in therapy I have been told that eventually I'll learn what my triggers are, but that doesn't mean I won't add to that list, and some things might end up being OK in time. It all seemed really vague and I don't really do well with vague. Give me a concrete answer, a list of tasks to complete, that I can work with. Maybe that's been my problem this entire time- I know that I'll never be the me I was before Lucy, that ship has sailed without me on it, so what am I working towards? How will I know I have gone as far as I'm going to? Where is the finish line?

Nobody knows.

It's frustrating and I get so angry when I try to give myself some end goals, things I want to work towards. I spent my whole life perfecting myself and getting to a point where I was happy. Remember when I went through my weight loss and running phase? That was always something I was going to do again, after I was done with babies. I was looking forward to it, oddly enough. I can't do that now because I have serious issues to contend with now that I make no cortisol, I can't take enough synthetic in fast enough to compensate the stress that running would do. So what do I do in place of it? Remember when I was doing more for myself in terms of self care? I was going to concerts, going on trips with friends, taking the kids on adventures... a lot of that is gone too. Well, I can do them but I can't do them alone. The days of me driving to Chicago on a whim? All night road trip? That's all gone. It's hard because a lot of the things that brought my joy are no longer reasonable options for me. I have to find new things that bring me joy.

You know what's strange? You know how in the book Me Before You where the character wants to die because he's paralyzed and only thinks of the things he can't do and doesn't want to find new things? He knows that the new things, while they might be OK, they aren't like the old things he loved and he won't get the rush from them like he used to- and that's what he misses. Not the activity itself but the way it made him feel? So he arranges his suicide and that's the story. That's how I feel. I'm not at arranged suicide level but I finally understand his point of view. I could never imagine how a person feels when they get to the point of wanting to be done. I used to always think it was such a selfish act but now that I'm in it, I'm swimming in those waters, I finally understand that it has nothing to do with anyone else. It's really a battle against our own brains. Sure, we can "reach out for help" but for what? So people can tell us all the reasons why we're great and that they'd miss us? What if that isn't enough to keep us here? Do you think that we don't know all of this? Forgive me if I don't reach out to be lectured. The voice inside of my head is loud enough, I don't need it on the outside too.

My psychiatrist said an interesting thing at my recent appointment, "if you wanted to be dead, you would have already done it" - is that true? Is that really the litmus test for that? I'm not sure. I've thought about it a lot and I don't know that I agree. I think I've thought so much about it, I'm very much that person who wants to be sure. So I keep going to doctors, I keep trying to find solutions and fixes, ways to cope with all of this, because I really just want them to say, "We've done everything that we can, this is really it" and then I'd be done. I'm starting to suspect they all know that and are purposely telling me we have lots of things yet to try.

At my last therapy appointment I was challenged to write Lucy's birth story, involving not just the narrative I've been given, but incorporating much more detail. Think about the event from all angles and maybe I'd remember something. Anything. How do I think I was feeling being rolled into a c-section I didn't want? Do I remember a smell? Lights? What was it like holding Lucy? Was I scared to not remember? What did the nurses think? Did I say anything to them? How long was I really dead? What is every single medical event on the timeline?

All of this feels really challenging. A rational part of me says that my memory blocks things out for a reason, that maybe I shouldn't press into this, that maybe I'm not emotionally able to handle it. Then I feel defiant because I'll be damned if someone tells me what to do. So I've reached out to all of the medical personnel that I can think of. I know they have gone over this with me a hundred times but I can't help it, I have to hear it again.

In the meantime, I'm going through the records I requested from the hospital again and man... it's traumatic. I have read these maybe 15 times, nothing in this is new to me but every time I read it I feel panic rising in my chest and I don't know if I'm remembering the fear of the event again, but it is scary.

Another thing I'm going to reluctantly try? Regression therapy. I heard about it in Steph Arnold's book 37 Seconds, she really had a hard time connecting with her AFE event because she couldn't see it happening. Which is exactly how I feel. As traumatic as it would have been, I wish I had more pictures, or video, to look at so I can wrap my head around it. The few that I do have don't even look or feel like me. It feels like I'm looking at someone else. It's strange. I've reached out to someone near me that thinks he can do it and I'm scared. I feel like I need to do it but I'm scared.