When Sara Met Shirley, part 2

Jesus. I'm such a slacker. But to my defense, I have grossly mismanaged my time as of late and if you ever hear of me walking around without my planner? Slap me. I need to stop doing this. I had double booked and over extended myself every single day for the last week.

Someday? Someday I'll learn to say no.

*sigh*

So after we left Minneapolis and the icky hotel, we drove to Rockford, Illinois. The point of this was so we could stay close enough to Chicago but save money on a hotel and then see Kings of Leon AGAIN like total groupies, and then after the concert drive 8 or 9 hours back to my house where we'd crash for a few hours and then get Shirley on her plane to go home. The plan, while in the planning stages, seemed to make total sense. I mean, we really thought this was do-able.

And why Rockford? Well when you look at the maps, Rockford isn't a small dot. It's kind of a biggish dot but not super far from Chicago and so we thought, biggish dot meant it'd have some things going for it.

As it turns out, it does not.

Rockford is actually kind of a dump of a town that doesn't actually know it's a dump. Which is kind of sad.

Also hilarious was that the "resort" we were staying in? Oh my god- the pictures online looked awesome. Shirley and I were looking at hotels separately and both chose this once because of how swank it looked and how reasonably it was priced.

As it turns out? The "resort" is not swank. Like not at all. In fact, if you've ever ridden the "Tower of Terror" ride at Disney, you basically saw the inside of this hotel. Now, the pictures here are not doing it justice. Not at all. Because what you also need to take into consideration is that the person working at the desk was missing teeth, the hotel manager's name is Roxy Rager (I have a business card to prove it), and the pancakes served at breakfast are basically flat biscuits that have been re-heated for at least month on a daily basis. Oh, and the entire place felt absolutely haunted.

I would be remiss to not point out that the lobby had a bronze hog fountain where water came out of it's mouth like it was slobbering. You apparently could throw coins in and I'm sure that's the renovation fund.

I swear to you that the clock above the door? EXACT same as in Tower of Terror. EXACT. 

The first room we got was down a wing that I think they are going for the Southern Cotton Farm Mansion feel because that's what it looked like. Our room though was a super treat because one bed had a busted wheel so the right corner was drooping down. So Shirley goes down to the desk to obviously say this is not going to do and bless the Toothless Wonder, but he's trying to say there aren't other rooms.

You know, there are three cars in the lot, two employees and us. You have other rooms. So we get a room on the 4th floor. Turns out, the entrance is actually the third floor and there are two floors in the basement essentially. Um, no. The next room was the exact same minus the droopy bed. After getting settled we decided we were going to do Rockford, Illinois right.

Which meant going to the mall because that's all there is. Which, they have a really nice mall which was unbelievably crowded for a Friday night and it's like, family time. Small children all over the place. It's like they put every spare dollar the city had into this mall because it does not belong in Rockford. After shenanigans at the mall, we had ice cream and then decided that drinking the water at the hotel wasn't ideal so we went to Walgreens to get water. Where our cashier looked like he had the shit kicked out of him. Black and blue face, missing teeth, weird tattoos, scratches and cuts all over him.

And despite the really large amount of dental facilities in Rockford, dental care is not a priority. A lot of people were missing teeth.

So fast forward to Saturday. We never did sleep in as planned and I'll be honest- worst night of sleep I had for weeks. My ribs started to hurt because that bed sucked and I just couldn't stay asleep for long. So we decided we were going to drive to Chicago get some lunch and get on a Mob Tour where they dress up like gangsters. Which sounds super fun and awesome and I have wanted to do this for years.

But the "flagship" McDonald's in downtown Chicago makes you pay to park. Like $11.99 per hour. So we decide maybe we'd eat fast and then take the tour. As it turns out, after we ordered our food and rode the escalator (!!!), a protest broke out. I don't know what they were protesting (at least the first group) because they were yelling in Spanish, but then they started singing, "Ole, Ole, Ole" and it didn't really seem like a protest. Then out of NOWHERE, this group of hipsters who were sitting in the corner drinking McDonald's frappes no less, stand up and start shouting about "legal status does not matter" in reference to working,etc. Um, yes. Yes it does. This is the stuff you'd expect in Texas. But Illinois? First of all, who knew there was such a large population of illegal Spanish workers trying to work at McDonald's? I mean, that seems a bit crazy. Well this group rode the escalator up and down a few times and then left.

So then we left. But the tour already left. So we paid almost $20 to park (despite our $10 credit because we ordered food) and drove around downtown Chicago so Shirley could see it. But here's a thing- if you are at a stop light and your light turns red? You cannot just go and then give me the finger for turning on my green arrow. No, YOU are actually the douchebag and I don't care if you're in a $90,000 SUV. No, I will scream at you and give you that finger right back with a fist shake.

Fortunately, Shirley didn't die of a heart attack. But it really wouldn't have been a road trip if we didn't almost get killed in the car. I mean, it happens on every trip, it could have been worse.

But after driving around it became abundantly clear that I would not be able to stay up another 17 hours. I love me some Kings of Leon and if any of them called me, I'd come running, but damn. (Bonus points if you caught the song reference there.) So we decided to just head to my house.

But not without a stop at a Cracker Barrel in Janesville, Wisconsin. And every time I go to a Cracker Barrel (and Shirley agrees) I get really excited until I open the menu and I wonder why I got excited. I obviously bought a bunch of the Smarties Suckers I love and I regret not buying the frog lawn ornament where the belly lights up despite Shirley saying it's ugly. He would have been cute on my back step, I stand by that. But what I did do is take a picture of their double rocker bench with a $259 price tag and texted it to Matt saying I'd need help unloading it.

I immediately got a text that said "call me".

I did not. I ate my dinner.

After dinner, I dutifully called and told him I purchased it, it was hard to get in my vehicle, my back seat doesn't actually fold down and I'll need help getting it out because it was heavy.

All while Shirley is laughing.

Then we drove what literally was the longest eight hours of my life. And if you've never driven through one end of Wisconsin to the other at night? You're missing out on nothing. And I mean nothing. No lights, no cars, not even any deer. By the last  hour I was essentially delirious with exhaustion and my eyes burned. They were watering on their own one minute then the next felt like they've never had moisture. It was quite possibly, the worst drive home ever. By the time we got to my house, I was exhausted. Yet as soon as I lay down I'm wide awake which is a whole other level of crap.

So the next day, we get up and I am determined to get a picture of her next to snow or something. So we went to Canal Park and a super nice jogger guy took our picture.


And then I took her up to Brighton Beach in Duluth and she got to walk on ice and see baby glaciers. Plus, it was pretty damn cold so she got to experience the beginnings of frost bite. Which is better than any souvenir, really. I mean, you could get postcards but being able to go back to nursing school and talk about frost bite and the feeling of your skin actually freezing and your eyeball juice freezing with first hand knowledge? I mean, that's kind of rad.

But then she had to go home. And I'm sad. I really like Shirley and maybe it's best we don't live super close together because she'd be my friend I'd get into all kinds of trouble with. I already told Matt that once I get all of these medical and dental bills paid, I'm going out to visit her. Most likely without him because he can be a buzz kill and I mean that in the nicest way possible. But Shirley is my friend I can text random ass things to and she doesn't even blink an eye. Even though we broke up on the Illinois border over Usher versus Ne-Yo, I'm willing to work though it. Because we all know Usher is better and we can counsel her through it. ;)

When Sara Met Shirley, part 1

You know how sometimes the universe gives you a twin that is equally as awesome but comes from another mother? And how some people go their whole lives never finding that person? Yeah, I can't really relate to that because I finally got to hang out with Shirley! Shirley my super awesome blog friend for YEARS!

A few months ago we kind of rough planned out that she would come here for my birthday, it would be epic, and we would essentially be bad asses and hopefully not land in jail. We didn't land in jail, but we maybe saw a crime scene and a horror movie location, oogled a guy with hair plugs, ate cheese curds and drove for fucking hours to essentially see what could be on a top 10 list of worst cities of America.

All in a span of three god damn days!

So it starts on Thursday. I worked for a bit in the morning and then went to pick her up from the airport. Her husband had concerns that I might actually be a balding middle aged man with white Hanes briefs as my primary outfit. I think the fact I was late picking her up courtesy of every single traffic light, an accident on the bridge and a fucking train probably didn't help? But I got there and thankfully, she turned out to not be a balding middle aged man with white Hanes briefs as her primary outfit. Not that Matt expressed any concern, but at least 15 of my friends and my mother did. They kept texting to make sure that I was indeed alive and well and not gagged in the back of a rapist van.

But then, like a moron, I remembered I had forgotten to print out the tickets to a concert so I drove all the way back to work so we could do this. The plan was to see Kings of Leon in Minneapolis on Thursday, drive to Rockford, Illinois on Friday, do something there, then drive into Chicago on Saturday and see Kings of Leon again, then immediately after the concert drive eight hours on a virtually empty highway in the dark on almost no sleep.

At the time, this made perfect sense. We aren't old and we've got this.

So we drive to the cities and check into our hotel, which was super busy by the time we got there. I have been known to stay in questionable locations. I swear to god, no matter what the star rating is, the reviews or the pictures, if there is a shit room in the building I will always get it. I will just say from here on out, I apologize because I seriously am starting to think anyone who shares a room with me will suffer and it's my fault. I don't know what it is about me that attracts losers and filthy rooms but dammit.

Because what we though initially was mold all over the bathroom, which is bad enough, actually looks like blood. The picture isn't doing it justice because it really was a far more red/rust color. Like dried blood.

Anyways.

So we went out to eat at a restaurant pretty close to the concert venue that I usually go to, which also ended up being pretty busy. We also got a waitress who we are pretty certain was drunk. Our food was fine but when I asked for extra pickles she brought me a plate of pickles. Like a plate of pickle spears. It was really awkward and kind of weird. She also clearly wanted to be our friend. In hindsight, maybe she was actually hitting on us? Hmm..

So after that? We went to the Kings of Leon concert. Which, I don't know if you know this, but I'm a pretty huge fan. Like super huge. I will just say right now I am so disappointed that Caleb has done something to his head. He was clearly balding just a few years ago and suddenly he has hair. Which automatically makes me hate his model wife because why be judgey like that? You knew he was balding when you started dating. *sigh* Then Shirley completely busted any hopes I had to being a first wife to any one of them because Jared got married. *sigh* So now I have to be a home wrecker. Which, I don't want to be but I love me those men. I will say, I think Matthew has lost a little too much weight and needs to grow the hair out a bit because his ears look too big, but I'd over look it because if he can play guitar with his mouth, that can only mean good things, right?

After the concert, we drove back to the hotel and got some sleep. Friday was to be a big travel day driving from the cities to Rockford, which looked like a big dot on the map. We judge things by the size of dot and Rockford looked promising.

So the next day we started our drive. I think I impressed Shirley with Wisconsin's highway system being surrounded by adult superstores, firecracker superstores and cheese house places. Because dude- she's never had a cheese curd!!

We obviously stopped.

 And what a fucking disappointment to find that cheese house places don't see fried cheese curds? What in the mother hell is that?? We bought fudge instead. Mine turned out to be not edible because when I finally got home I discovered I left the back next to the heat vent in the back seat. It was a disgusting discovery. So because we couldn't get fried ones there, we stopped for lunch and she ordered some. Except she didn't understand the importance of the squeak and honestly, it's hard to explain what that is supposed to be.

But on to Rockford!

As it turns out, Rockford is a gigantic dump of a city. I don't even want to to call it a city, it's like a dirty big town, really. It's kind of disappointing. Also disappointing was the fact that as we got closer to our hotel it was becoming incredibly clear that the hotel likely wasn't going to be as described on the Internet.

BUT THEN!

Then I shouted out that there was a Beef-a-Roo!!!!

I still don't know what is in a Beef-a-Roo, and that I am admittedly nervous about eating here, but this one looked far classier than the one Matt and I saw in northern Michigan. So I promise you all now, the next time I see one, I'll eat something from there and document it all.

I'm going to tell you about the nightmare hotel and the second half of the trip tomorrow. But what you need to know for the closing of this post:

• Shirley + Sara 4 Eva
• Shirley = Team NeYo, Sara = Team Usher. We broke up on the Illinois border because of this. 
• But made up when we realized we pretty much are identical and like all of the same things because this would make kidnapping famous men a little easier. 
• Especially if we had a human trafficking van over a rapist van. 
• So long as we had enough quarters to drive on the roads because toll booths are everywhere. 
• Which doesn't feel as wrong as people from Arizona having to pay for air for their god damn tires. 
• Plus Shirley didn't die from the cold though she came close on her last day. 

More tomorrow. Swearsies.