December 2019 Wrap up.... 2020 Goals

I knew going into December it was going to fly by because I had a lot going on and the sheer amount of work that goes into Christmas makes days go by. It's only dawned on me in the last day that this is the end of a decade and that's weird but I also no longer have concept of time so I guess maybe it isn't so weird after all.

December Highlights:

• We had Snowmaggedon at the very end of November but it carried over in December and it was ridiculous. It was the first time (that I can remember) that I was legitimately snowed in and unable to leave my house. 
• The big three went to Grandma's for the weekend, so Matt and I only had Lucy and it was a DREAM. When the big three came back we made a last minute decision to go to Bentleyville to see all of the Christmas lights and freeze our asses off waiting for Santa in the name of tradition. 
• I really struggled with depression this month, I saw the weight loss doctor and learned I was fatter than I thought I was and started a diet in which I think I'm failing and I can't wait to go back in January. Ha!
• I gave you a recap of my Best Books of 2019 and I hope you found your next read on there. 
• Olivia had her first 8th grade band concert, they did SO well!! A far cry from the squeaky and rough 6th grade band!
• Olivia, Penelope, and Lucy had a dance recital (pictures coming soon). 
• Penelope had her first grade school winter concert. She did pretty well but was totally nervous and it was adorable. 
• Lucy had a family fun day at school so I can and we made crafts and sang songs. She was totally excited to show me all the things. 
• We had Christmas and it was great. 

Books I read:

• The Cost of Honor ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• A Lady's Past  ⭐⭐⭐
• I Heart Hawaii ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Our Totally Ridiculous, Made Up Christmas Relationship ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Christmas in Newfoundland ⭐⭐
• The Playground ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Landon & Shay (part two) ⭐⭐⭐
• Hoops Holiday (novella) ⭐⭐⭐⭐
• Cowboy Christmas Redemption ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

2020 Goals: 

I'm going to put my yearly goals for 2020 here because I feel like January is all about setting yourself up for the rest of the year, so we are doing that all month and coming up with a plan. 

• Our current debt (not including our home or vehicle) is hovering at $41,000. We would like to get that down to $28,000. To get there it means really buckling down on things. Sorry friends, we likely won't be sending fun things to you randomly during the year. We probably won't be doing a lot of fun stuff that isn't free. We're going to do a budget friendly vacation this year. We need to figure out how to free up $1100 per month or so to do this. 
• Budget friendly vacation! We do plan on doing a road trip but we're looking at the possibilities to cross a bunch of states off our list but also won't break the bank. Option A: Iowa, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas or Option : Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky. Please weigh in. Our requirement to cross it off is to do a touristy thing in each state, maybe more than one. 
• Continue with therapy and get through the year. I know that seems kind of dumb, but I know 2020 is going to be a difficult year for me because the support system I've relied on is going to be gone, so I will have to do a lot all on my own. I know, millions of people do this every day, but I struggle. I can no longer "go with the flow" or multi-task and I struggle with every day things. I look "normal", I sound "normal", I am not "normal". I have been struggling with a lot of things and the realization that I'm at my peak recovery and I'm not back to my normal.... it's upsetting to say the least. 
• Olivia and I are going to Washington D.C./New York City in March and I'm so excited for her. Her friends who are going are excited that I am going to because I think having a mom you know is comforting. I am scared shitless and I am so worried I'm going to get sick, get disoriented/confused, or that something will happen to me. This is my first time going somewhere without some I know/trust helping me. I am terrified. 
• I would like to finish our Missouri vacation and my Vegas vacation scrapbooks this year. I really want to get back into scrapbooking. 
• Organize my office/library/craft room. Matt says he will help and build me a table/desk to make my room seem larger and maybe help me with storage and I am so excited and really hope it happens. I just need to find some ideas now! 
• Lose 15 pounds. I know my goal for 2019 was to lose 5 pounds, and I did that (barely) but my goal for 2020 is to lose 15. I can do this, I have to buckle down. 

That's it, those are my goals for 2020. What are some of your goals? 

Exercises in memory

One of the things I struggle a lot with post AFE is my loss of memory. Easily the MOST annoying things is when people try to pander to me about my memory. Or try to relate. I hear a lot of, "Oh my god, I know- I'm so forgetful the older I get!" or "I get that- I can't remember last week either." and I'll be honest and tell you in my head I'm envisioning punching people in the face. I'm not proud of it but it really is a testament to the strength of my medication because I'm able to smile and nod my  head and move on quickly.

Because it is absolutely nothing like age related forgetfulness or being busy and forgetting what you did for a minute there. If you had to you could stop and think back, recall what you did generally and be able to tell someone. You can recall stories with ease and when your kids ask you what they were like as a toddler you can tell them. When your doctor asks you if you have had any problems you can talk about some symptom that's bothering you. When they ask when your last period is you give the general month at least, be able to tell them when you ate last or when you took your pills that day.

I cannot.

I cannot do any of those things.

Lately I am realizing that I forget that I forget. It's not so glaringly obvious every day to me anymore and for that I'm grateful. It's nice to forget that you forget. It's not so much of a problem then. And if I don't put any effort into remembering something, sometimes the memories is just there. Sometimes someone will say something and suddenly I have a memory, or a fragment of a memory, and I can join into a conversation like a normal person. Only the people closest to me can tell when the memory scatters away because I'll end a sentence with, "yeah... huh. I remember that." I'll abruptly end a memory as if I don't want to reveal all of it. I do. But I can't. It's gone, like I only get to borrow it as if it's not even mine.

Sometimes it's not so bad. Life gets busy and I have too much happening around me to remember what Olivia looked like when she was two. Then other times Jackson wants to see pictures of some trip he remembers and I have to desperately figure out when that was. I have tens of thousands of photos on my computer meticulously labeled but it doesn't really help most of the time because it's like looking at the life of strangers.

Then there are other times where I will try to challenge myself to remember and I start looking at old photos. I will ask the kids if they remember. I look back on old blog posts for an explanation of what we were doing, who are the people in the photos, where were we. 

Most of the time I cry. It's really hard to look through all of these memories and not have them in my mind. They are all so personal and I just want to be able to have them.  I try to imagine what I was feeling as I took the picture. Try to figure out why I chose that exact moment to snap a photo.

Sometimes it feels like having a house fire take all of your possessions. No  matter how badly you want those things back you can't have them. You can't replace them. All you have are what you can remember. 

I feel like everything has been stolen from me. It's actually pretty scary sometimes. When I forget where I live is really scary. I will often forget who I should call. How to make that call. How to ask for help. Where do you go for help. Did I have my kids with me? Maybe I forgot them somewhere and now someone has taken them and everyone is going to say I'm a bad mom. 

I worry that this is just going to get worse as I get older. I'm afraid the fact that it's not coming back isn't a good sign, like the longer I go without having my memory back means those memories are falling more and more into the recesses of my mind.

I know people try to compare their issues to mine to somehow try to make me feel better, make me think that it's really not that bad. I know it's bad. I know there isn't anything a person can say or do to make it better. You don't have to sugar coat it for me. It's OK to tell me when whatever it is that I'm experiencing isn't normal and it's damn sure not good, that it is really awful and you can't even understand it or how I do it.

It's OK to say it because I say these things to myself every day.

It's hard to look at pictures of the person that looks like me because I feel in my bones that person is gone. She really did leave and I feel like a fraud. I'm in the wrong body, the wrong life. These people think I'm this person and I'm not. I feel more disconnected than I already do. I try to think about what this mom would do in my situation. I hope I'm doing as good of a job as she obviously did. A lot of days I very much feel like I'm not up to par and my family is too nice to say so. I wonder if Matt feels a difference. I don't even dream anymore. Well, that's not true. The dreams I do have aren't ones anyone wants. It's just episodes of scary moments, a stereo playing a tape telling me I'm not supposed to be here and I need to go and all the ways I could do it, or me strapped to a table in a hospital actively dying. That's all that I dream.

It's a bizarre way to live.

But I do these exercises in memory often. I keep thinking eventually if I see these things enough my brain will come back online.

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder. It's a real thing, apparently.

I know that was kind of a long one and it was kind of rambling, but that's just how my brain works now. I can't really fix that. (Thanks, stroke!) But if you want to learn more about Depersonalization or Derealization Disorders, you can go HERE and HERE.

Like I said in my video, I am really struggling with this piece and I feel a mix of, "finally- it's a diagnosis!" and "are you kidding me- what ELSE is wrong with me?!". I mean, on one hand it's great to get a diagnosis because you can always work with that, you can find a fix or a way to cope with it. This kind of feels daunting because the big thing to fix this is talk therapy, but I've been doing that for two years and I just.. I feel GREAT going to that but I feel kind of stuck.

There is also EMDR or CBT therapies to help with PTSD available. What my insurance would cover... I'm not sure. My next concern is I've had a stroke, so I am really nervous about doing anything that might make post stroke symptoms worse or giving me another stroke. I have read a lot of information about both and it sounds safe but I don't know... something in my gut is telling me no. It might be paranoia but I feel like my body isn't stupid. I knew something was very wrong my entire pregnancy with Lucy and I blew it off and look where that got me.

I also mentioned in the video above that I have lost a lot of friends over the last two years. Honestly, I don't blame them. It's really hard to relate to me and I know I have a hard time being the friend that I used to be. I think you get used to someone being a certain way and then they aren't so you break up with them like you would a boyfriend or girlfriend. I get that.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I try to "reach out" but part of my issue, a big part of it, is I don't really know how to. I don't really know what I need to be better and I wonder if that makes it seem like I'm doing really well? I tell my therapist I try really hard to not let people see me struggle. I don't want to be seen as helpless, or stupid, or let people see me cry for no reason or wince in pain, all of it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

Then she asked me why not? If that's my reality, why am I hiding it?

I don't know if it's because it's a pride thing or if I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. Because I know I always felt awkward when someone was disabled in some way and its like, do you hold the door for them? Help them sit? Do you ask if they understand the menu? Like what do you do to be helpful without being rude and assume they can't help themselves?

Even with my family or the people who interact with me fairly often, I hide it. You don't see me cry a few tears in the bathroom because I just can't do it anymore. Or I'm just around the corner wincing in pain and breathing through it. Or I'm biting the inside of my cheek because my stomach hurts so bad I can barely breathe. Or I'm so physically exhausted walking my kid into preschool that I want to burst into tears. Or I'm so exhausted that I want to sleep the rest of the day and I'm desperate for someone to just take over for me. I can't call in sick. I have help and people I can call but I hate being dependent on people. I hate burdening them with my issues. They didn't ask for this. I didn't either, but it's my cross to bear.

So it is really hard. When I say I'm hanging in there, it's all of this and then some. I'm having a hard time juggling all of it with my appointments. I'll be honest and say there are times I'm SO EXHAUSTED by it all that when a doctor asks how I am I just say fine because where do I start? Every single thing is awful. I don't know what is worth mentioning, who I tell it to. No doctor wants that person to show up on their list that day. They must dread seeing my name come up. And I get it. I feel like a burden to medical people now, too.

So that's how things are going for me.

Ha.

Do you have questions about any of it? I guess I can answer questions better than just blindly talking about stuff. You can ask here in the comments or shoot me an email: sarastrand9438 AT hotmail DOT com.