Complete Without Kids

No, I haven't given my children away, I'm just reviewing a really great book that I recommend every parent or non parent to read. Super fascinating insight into the world of living child free. And before you click away from this because it's a book review, I invite you to really read though this as I'll be giving some of my 98 cents throughout.

Complete Without Kids- Ellen L. Walker, Ph.D

In Complete Without Kids, Licensed Clinical Psychologist Ellen L. Walker examines the often-ignored question of what it means to be child free, by choice or by circumstance, in a family-focused society. Recognizing that there is no one child free adult, the author guides the reader through the positive and negative aspects of child free living, taking into consideration the different issues faced by men or women, couples or singles, whether gay or straight. As a woman who is child free by choice, Walker draws upon her personal experience while also offering the reader numerous interviews with other child free adults, revealing behind-the-scenes factors that influenced their personal journeys. She approaches the tough-decision making process of whether or not to have children from a biological, historical, and societal perspective, offering valuable information on: The unique set of problems that child free adults face simply due to living in a culture that celebrates babies and traditional families; Methods to cope with the pressure to have children from media, family, and friends in a healthy way; How to create balance and approach the leisure time allowed by a child free lifestyle and; Financial, health, and personal benefits associated with child free living. Offering support, guidance, and thought-provoking questions, Complete Without Kids is a productive guide for any reader considering the child free path.

So that's the general synopsis so you know what we're talking about. And before I get started into my review, most of you know that I'm a parent of two children. I had my kids in my early 20's and I've been very honest about not knowing what I was doing. Had I known how much work it was really going to be, how emotionally draining it was going to be, how hard it would be on my marriage, and how much of what makes me... well, me would be sucked away I would most definitely thought twice about having kids. That's not to say I don't love my children.

On page 32 I found a line that struck an immediate chord with me: "Dr. Jeffers emphasizes the difference between loving your children and actually enjoying parenting them." and later in that paragraph, "The thing I regret most is that everyone told me how amazingly fulfilling and fun mothering is, without mentioning the negatives, and especially the fact that once you sign on for the job you cannot quit." Those two lines alone sum up my feelings. I love my children dearly but I would by lying if I said that I haven't had many days where I question what the hell I was thinking when I decided I wanted children. The book also raises a really good question about whether discussing being child free by choice is a valid conversation piece to have with young girls in the same breathe as safe sex and/or abstinence. I know with my children I will talk to them openly about these things including how you don't have to have kids. I don't ever want to be that person that pressures my kids for grandchildren because I know first hand how difficult it is to be a parent. Not everybody is cut out for it, yet you don't really hear that in Sex Ed, do you? I know when birth control was discussed it was always, "take it until you're ready to be a parent" but nothing really beyond that.

What's really great about this book is that it doesn't sway your opinion. I didn't walk away from reading this book feeling strongly about either side, I could really relate to both sides. I also felt like the author did a tremendous job talking to real life people from all types of economic standing and backgrounds to really give you a full perspective as to why some people choose to be child free. And those who would like to have kids but can't for a multitude of reasons, there is adequate perspective from them as well.

What I also really valued about this book was the absolute honesty about what parenting does to a marriage. I know most couples think that because they have started their marriage strong that it only helps them with parenting. While that is true, it's good to have a solid marriage before you bring kids to the mix, it fails to recognize what a huge stressor it is to have kids. I will say that every single marital issue Matt and I have ever had was directly related to the stress of parenting. We are no longer the people we were when we got married- not even close. I would venture to say the high divorce rates would be tied, at least in some way, to society's push for people to have children. It was mentioned in this book that childless couples are frowned upon in most circles, not because it's a bad thing but because it's not the norm. The norm is for people to get married, buy a house, have some kids, and live happily ever after yet that rarely happens. Also mentioned in the book was how couples with children find it hard to stay connected and eventually drift apart; therefore it becomes difficult to co-exist once the children are grown. They no longer have the common threads holding them together- those had been long gone. Sure you can go on date nights but people frown on that too, don't they? Most people, usually other parents themselves, will make a person feel guilty for spending time away from their kids. I would venture to say almost all of the time it's because they have feelings of jealousy because that couple can and they can't.

I have struggled with this myself. It took me almost five years to figure out I need alone time. I need time away from my husband and my kids to make myself not cry every single night and to not feel like driving my car off a bridge just to check out. I need that time away to be the quality parent my children deserve and a good wife that my husband needs. But I'll tell you- when I schedule a weekend away, or I sign up for a class, or I go to dinner with a friend I have some people around me that scoff and try to make me feel guilty. And it's too bad because I wish they would support me trying to be a better person for my kids.

Also in this book it talked about how friendships change when you have a childless friend and the rest are mommies. I have a couple of friends who don't have kids or who choose to not have kids and I feel bad. I can't always do what they want because... I have kids. I sometimes feel like they have a hard time connecting with me because we don't have a lot in common? My days are full with crying, chores, and kid related things and that makes it difficult to relate sometimes. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be child less and have all of your friends have children.

So all in all- the book was fascinating. I really enjoyed reading it and for me, I felt better about how I was feeling as a parent. Society frowns upon those of us who are not loving parenthood and all that comes with it and it's too bad. Just because I don't love to sit and play Barbies doesn't make me a bad mom. It just means I was ill-prepared for what I would really be signing up for. I always tell people I know that are having babies or thinking about it to really look at the reasons they want to have a kid. Is it because you want to be loved? Because that's just a temporary fix. I know I wanted kids because it was just what you did when you got married. I never questioned not having kids, I just knew I would because it's just what you do. Sounds a bit archaic when I think about it but how many young women think that right now?

I highly recommend this read for anyone. It really opened my eyes to a lot of different child free living assumptions that I hadn't considered before, several that I haven't mentioned. This is a superb book, very well researched and well written.

Luckily for you, I have a copy to giveaway!! WOOT! All you have to do is leave a comment on this post telling me why you choose to be a parent or why you are choosing to be child free. I'd love to hear your perspective on this topic.

I'll draw a winner for the giveaway on Monday, August 22. Good luck!

Learn to Read

Honestly- if you aren't a reader I wonder why. I would be a boring loser if I didn't read. Anyways. Here are some books I've read lately that you may (or may not) like:

1. Crescendo- Becca Fitzpatrick

If you haven't read the first book in this series (or maybe it's only a trilogy??), Hush, Hush you'll have to do that before you read this on. I did a review on that one HERE, and I really think you'll love it. What I love about this author is that she's actually talented and she can write where you can't put the book down. This one took me two days to finish (so maybe 8 hours total) and it was GREAT. Beyond great. It leaves you on a fantastic cliffhanger and you only get part of the puzzle solved BUT the piece you solve is crazy. I never saw it coming. Never. It was good. I can't recommend this book enough.



2. Accidents In The Home- Tessa Hadley

I got this book in the bargain bin at Barnes & Noble and it was good. A little different ending than I thought- but good nonetheless. It's about Clare, a 29 year old mom of 3 who is basically considered a stay at home mom. She's married and has, essentially, the perfect life. When her best friend visits with her new lover (whom Clare knows from years before) she suddenly realizes she wants more out of life. She is overwhelmed with her current life and is kind of jealous of the care free life her friend has. Never mind that all of Clare's family sees life differently and in their own rights are having some kind of crisis in their own lives. So in order to test the waters Clare sets in motion the acts that eventually end the book. Nobodies lives are ever the same and the ending is kind of unsatisfying to me as a reader, but I suppose if it were real life it's exactly how this part of the story would end. Honestly I could relate to Clare because I know the feelings she was feeling in the book. And I understood her rationale.  There was a passage that summed it all up perfectly: She couldn't think how to complain of him. She out to have a complaint, oughtn't she, for an alibi? He was uncommunicative sometimes. And he didn't like many people, much; he was always friendly and polite, but in private he was unforgiving if he found out anyone's vanity or pretension. He knew things but he didn't invent things. Those didn't sound like accusations; they sounded like goodness. And that's it- it makes it seem as if you're just good enough... maybe it isn't enough? If you're married, if you're married with kids, or if you are with a long term partner and kind of feel like you're in a weird rut- it's an interesting book.

3. Smoked - Patrick Quinlan


Again, a bargain book from Barnes & Noble. (Can I just say how in love I am with their online clearance?? It's great. Books for under $5? Can't beat that!) So this book is a suspense/mystery type book. Smoke Dugan is a former bomb maker that decided he was going to retire...which you can't really do when you're essentially in a mob like organization. He's hid for a long time but his number is up and they've found him. His girlfriend, Lola, gets into a lot of trouble and finds herself unknowingly tangled up in his drama. Then enters Cruz, the hitman of sorts sent to take care of Smoke, but is thinking about ending his career as well. He's debating how to retire and not get killed. The book is good. I liked the characters, the story was really interesting and all of the little things that go wrong and bring more players into the mix really keeps the story moving. The only quirk is that it kind of ends like there COULD be a sequel. It wouldn't necessarily be needed... but I could see how the author could turn around and write another story with these characters. For this being the author's first novel- he did really well.
**

OK- so that's what I've finished in the last 7 days! I have two book reviews next week for you, one on Monday and one on Tuesday for TLC Book Tours. I want you to come and read both, but the one on Tuesday is going to have personal stuff attached to it. Anyways!

Have a good weekend- you may not see or hear from me tomorrow. Maybe. We'll see. ;)

Book Review: How To Get Divorced by 30- My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage

Before I get into my post (seriously- my first paragraph's are turning into fucking monologues. What the hell is up with that???) I have to respond to a comment that was left on last night's post by AaronBillyMacHarlan. He mentioned that he did a post about me, and USUALLY that means someone is a pervert trying to link me to asian porno or a reader is giving me an award. I mean both are appreciated in their own way, don't get me wrong. (I'm not really into asian porn folks, so if you want to switch it up, feel free.) no- Aaron said he wrote about me and I, as I always am when people post me little tidbits like this, was interested.

So I go there. Thankfully, Aaron wasn't selling porno even though his title "Confessions of a Massively Overweight Prostitute" kind of scared me. I can't even lie about this. And then I thought (as page was loading) maybe he's offering me a job. Except I'm not massively overweight, so I don't know if I'd meet the needs of his clientele. But then I wonder who that clientele might be and then I felt like throwing up my breakfast.

Anyways. He did a bang up job on the article, which I, as your lambwhore and goatslut leader, am telling you to check out. HERE. And Aaron- I live in Wisconsin but like 5 minutes from Minnesota, and even though you don't like chicks I'm glad you like me. You might not meet me, but I might actually be blogging in the bushes near your house. But the fact you think I'm on par with Chelsea Handler? King of the Goat Sluts. I swear to you that if I had like a crown with goats and stuff...I'd give it to you. Or put it in your driveway. Whatever. And he ends by calling me a neglected housewife which I think is a fabulous description which is a great tie in to...

(drum roll, bitches)

My book review of Sascha Rothchild's How To Get Divorced By 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. Now, I need to tell you the reason I bought the book. So about two weeks before my whiner post I was at Barnes and Noble. I'm walking through with Matt and the kids and BAM! This book literally falls at my feet. So obviously because I'm fantastic citizen, I go to pick it up and see the cover.

I'm pretty sure it sang to me. Not only is the cover the fucking hotness as far as looks (because I judge books by covers. Sue me.) but the title? Is my life. I obviously took a picture on my phone and sent it to a few people who all thought I was crazy. So I didn't buy it.

Fast forward to a week ago and while I'm moping around being all pissed off and wanting to spend money on shit I don't need, I thought of the book. So I drove 20 minutes to Barnes and Noble and bought the book. And a Member Rewards card thingie. Whatevers- the cashier was hot and I'm pretty sure I was hypnotized.

So I read this book in two nights flat and Sascha needs to be my marriage coach. The book is broken up into steps on how to get divorced. And it was funny because I related to every chapter.

STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person. By your late 20s, you’ll realize you were merely over-correcting the first person’s flaws and that the one you married is just as wrong for you as the one you didn’t, but in very different ways.

Not only is this step relevant to just my marriage but it's basically describing all three relationships I've had. Another line in the book that struck a chord was "But although fading fervor is normal, there also has to be a little jealously, a little insecurity, and a little possessiveness." And I agree. Totally. I know really, Matt thinks he can't do any better than me, which may or may not be true, so he wouldn't leave. He'd rather settle and be unhappy forever. Now me on the other hand am the opposite. I may never get married again, but by fucking god I have to think it's possible for me to be in a relationship with someone and not dread coming home. I'm not a jealous person but back in the day- if Matt was eyeing up a chick I'd immediately compare myself. Now I'm secretly begging he'd just cheat so I'd have an excuse out and not look like an asshole. I try very hard to have a social life now because I realized that by not having one from age 19-27 I was killing myself. I missed EVERYTHING that 20 something assholes do. I'm not saying I want to be puking and on the verge of death in the bathroom of a seedy bar and wondering where my underwear went. I just would have liked the opportunity. But now when I go out- if Matt is every jealous I have no idea. I have no idea if he feels anything ever because I don't hear about it. I sometimes feel like I have a better emotional relationship with my gay cat than I do my husband.

In all there are 30 steps and each one is funnier and funnier, but more sad. But it's only sad if you are in say, a happy marriage. Or are a newlywed. But if you have hit the 5 year mark in your marriage and wake up 5 out of 7 days hoping that your spouse has moved their stuff out while you were sleeping and left an optional note- you might enjoy this book. If you plan events and kind of hope your spouse backs out so you can bring a kick ass friend and pretend to be hot and single, this book is for you. If you already have at least one marriage under the table by age 30 you will love this book. If you are a guy who never wants to get married you should read this book to know where and when you should start fucking up.