Budgeting sucks, math is hard, and adulting blows.

As we enter the month of June I feel like I'm getting my ass handed to me by life and adulthood in general. We were doing really well with budgeting and then we had some pretty hard core expenses come at us.

• Lucy had to have an ECHO, and it turns out she's totally OK (yay!) but that was just over $3300, and we of course don't have that kind of money just laying around. 
• Our refrigerator died the day after I bought $300 worth of groceries. Because it somehow knows it, right? Fortunately it happens the day my dad just happened to be in town and my parents were able to finance one for us because we absolutely couldn't because we would literally be without a refrigerator even still. Not kidding. 
• I, very stupidly, mistakenly made my hotel reservation for my Mayo Clinic appointment for the wrong day and didn't realize it until the very last minute. I couldn't get a refund but I was (thankfully) still able to secure a room for the correct day, so I got to pay for the same room twice. 
• I didn't realize that an oil change without a coupon costs $80. Guess you won't ever forget the coupon EVER AGAIN? This gal. (I also won't ever go almost a year between oil changes either because as it turns out, I got the overly enthusiastic mechanic who lectured me the entire time. It really reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where the mechanic drives off with Jerry's car because of his lack of commitment to car care. I feel like had I gotten out of the van, that would have happened.) 
• I did not plan out summer activities well at all and so I am scrambling to have enough money for summer dance, summer birthday parties the kids go to, fun things, and the tennis class I wanted to sign Jackson up for. 
• We are going to Florida at the end of June, come hell or high water, and I'll be honest, I opened a credit card just to go. I KNOW. I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THIS IS. I don't want, or need, the lecture. I know how terrible and irresponsible this is. But then I think, life is short and we are going to go. I know I'm going kick myself in the ass come August, but we have to get the hell out of here. I'm suffocating. We need something fun and I just can't care anymore. So we are literally throwing caution to the damn wind. 

I figure I'll worry about adulting later. I just can't. I have too much happening at once and it's suffocating me. I keep saying it because I mean it. It's too much. 

Today is the big kids' last day of school and all of the emotions. Jackson is going to be a fourth grader next year which feels... it overwhelms me. But not as much as Olivia being a sixth grader. Between that and realizing I'm only two months away from Lucy turning one, which means it's only two months since the anniversary of my AFE, it's a LOT. And I honestly didn't think it would be a thing. I really didn't. I saw other survivors talk about it and I wondered why they talked about it with such weight and now I get it. It's heavy. I feel terrified and I don't know why. Every time I think about it I cry and I get scared. What am I going to be like on her birthday?! Is it just going to get worse the closer I get? I don't know. But yes. I just want to get through today, helping Olivia finish out elementary school, she looked nervous leaving for school this morning. Thinking of her today. 

30 versus 20

I had a conversation the other day with one of my favorite people about things that are different now that we are in our 30's versus of when we were in our 20's. We were in overwhelming agreement that our 30's are so much better than our 20's. I knew mine were going to be better and I had zero fear turning 30. Now that I'm 33, I'm enjoying my 30's far more than I ever thought I would but I can already tell a big difference is that these years seem to go by a bit faster than my 20's. Those lasted for-ev-er.

But some of the main differences I've noticed is that being hit on now feels like a compliment, where at 23 I just assumed the guy was a scuzzbag. Admittedly, I was a pretty cynical person in my teen years through my 20's. Every guy in that age group is just an asshole. It's nothing personal, I'm sure it's just a hormonal consequence, but they will hit on anything. Boys in their 20's start out the night discriminatory and by the end of the night, they'll take what's left. And though I can't speak about that considering I'm married, but the guys who hit on me now seem genuine good guys. I know some of you are like, "How good can they be if they see your ring??", but to that I say I don't wear my ring often. Well, at least not in the summer because my fingers swell up and it's uncomfortably tight. So I really only wear it in the winter. Obviously I wear it if we go out because I do like to wear jewelry, but if I'm running around with three kids on errands? I'm not so worried about it.

I feel a lot less stress about myself now than I did then. In my 20's I really was concerned what others thought of me, and I put a lot more effort into seeing what other people were doing. Now I could really care less. I have enough problems as a mother, a wife, a homeowner, and a responsible adult to worry about what others are doing. Someone's copying me? Someone's criticizing me? Who gives a shit. Honestly. If you are in your 30's and you are still worried about any of that, I feel sorry for you.

I also feel like as I get older, my perspective on life has changed. I'm not worried about the end game. I'm not worried about how much I make, the clout that comes from my career or even what I have parked in my garage. I just want to get through life collecting all of the experiences I can. Maybe working with seniors at my first post-college career job was really the key there. They gave me all kinds of perspective on life and aging.

It's scary to realize you are a real adult now. I rushed to my 20's and I rushed through all of the things that made me feel like an adult. I got my own apartment, I bought my own car, I paid all of my own bills, I got married, I had kids, I bought a house, etc. We did all of this stuff like we had to prove to people that we were indeed, adults now, please take us seriously. In a way, it's really rewarding to be able to stand in the middle of our house and think, "WE did this, with no help, all on our own". I will never forget the moment where I was reading to Olivia and Jackson before bed, years ago, and all of a sudden looking around their room and realizing we did all of this. Not only did we make two little humans, but everything in this house is because we worked our asses off to provide it. It's humbling and rewarding. That's the moment where I actually felt like a grownup. I was 27 years old.

I'm completely over the people who make a big deal out of aging. Aging happens whether you want it to or not. Just embrace it. Be thankful for another year under your belt because with age comes wisdom. Or at least it should. I know a few people who got screwed out of the wisdom part.

I think Jeesus believe me to be a miracle worker.

You know that saying that God won't ever give you more than you can handle? I think that statement right there really seals the deal when I say I don't believe. If that were truly the case, I feel like my life would be a lot less insane. I feel like I wouldn't go to bed every night wondering what in the hell I was going to do. Here are some things weighing on me, just this week:

- I know he's just a naturally little guy, and he eats a LOT, but damn.... Jackson is little. He just had his six year old checkup and he literally is only 38 pounds. Both of my kids are really light, skinny and short- they have the same build I did when I was a child. He's 100% healthy and normal but still, he's so little. Not that I wish he'd grow faster, I just wish I could fatten him up a little bit.

- I had my check up with OB in regards to maybe having menopause, or the early stages. Good news, it's not that. Bad news, I was sent immediately for a whole load of blood draws checking various things. I also have a pelvic ultrasound on May 13 with an appointment right after with my primary OB (I normally see a Nurse Practitioner for regular checkups). The NP told me it could be one of three things: just really bizarre hormone levels that are off for various reasons, cysts or other not-supposed-to-be-there things on my girl parts, or cancer. I might even hear back tomorrow what my labs look like if anything stands out. If not, I'll get a report on those on the 13th.

- My face hurts. I'm not going to lie, waiting until June for surgery now seems like a really stupid thing to do. I really kind of wish I could bump it up, but there isn't a good time to do that. Not that June is ideal either, but ugh. I don't know if I'll make it. I also have no idea how I'm going to pay for it either, so there's that.

- With starting school full time in the fall, I'm really trying to figure out what I could let go of as far as responsibility goes. I have a few volunteer positions I do and while I could get rid of those or just really reduce my role in them, I don't want to. I might complain a lot, but when I weigh the pros and cons of each, I really do enjoy it overall. I've got big decisions to make on that front.

- I worry about Olivia at school. I really struggle watching her struggle with friends and just, community relationships. In my head I know it's best to step back and let her figure her way through it. That's the only way kids learn how to handle interpersonal relationships. In my heart, I hate seeing her upset and confused and I want to just fix it. But I can't.

- I really need to win the lottery so I can get Matt his vasectomy. Honest to god, I can't get on birth control until whatever is happening with my lady bits is settled, and it is just really awful having to use alternative methods to not have a baby. Because there is always those oopsie moments where things don't work as advertised, and you find yourself at the pharmacy shelling out almost $50 for a hopeful fix that baby #3 doesn't arrive. We can't afford that. It's very stressful, this whole thing.

- I am really getting frustrated with lazy people in my life. I try not to be lazy, and I try to really do everything I can to help myself out and I look around and I see just.... a lot of irresponsible people around me. I can't even cut them out because they're family or close friends but damn. It's frustrating to be having legitimate issues I'm dealing with (some I won't even share on my blog because I'm not quite ready), and they just refuse to help themselves. They just hold out hoping the bare minimum will get them by and here I am- just busting my ass trying to move our family forward. It's frustrating. It makes me wonder why I try so hard.

So that's just a few things. It's hard being a grown up, nobody tells you this is the kind of stuff you'll worry about all of the time. And maybe it's just me. I sometimes wonder if I've inherited my mom's worrying gene.

Grown up stuff. Like furniture and a winner.

Well this weekend was seriously eventful. We got a LOT into it, so here's a quick recap.

But NOT before we announce the winner of the book Fallen. I know, you probably all think I'm some flake and I'm not on top of things. But I am, and the winner is...

#3 Shana!

YAY! So I'll email you and get your info and you can tell everyone you a winner if only for today.

Anyways, back to me.

So on Friday I sent Matt a mayday text message saying he needs to come home ASAP because we are buying a new mattress. That's it. I'm sick of rolling into the rut and having headaches and a kink in my neck and now my back and no- this bitch is done. DONE, I tell you.

When he came home, we loaded up the kids and went to HOM Furniture where we've scoped out beds and furniture for weeks now. And you know that we decided on what we wanted three weeks ago, so I not only took a picture of the items that were decided on, but we had the sales person write it down on the back of their card as a double check.

And wouldn't you know Matt stands there and questions me.

Silly show pony.

So I had to school him, in front of a very amused sales lady, that not only is he wrong, but I have written and photographic evidence as such, not to mention my killer memory.

*sigh*

I don't know why he just doesn't listen to me. So then once he agreed that I was right, he starts thinking maybe we should keep looking and he just doesn't know and yeah. It's annoying. I'm a pretty indecisive person when it comes to food but everything else, once a decision is made, it's done. Shit or get off the pot, I say. So I had to just tell the sales lady write it up because while he wanders around thinking we should do something better, she's writing it up. We all know he's going to come down and agree with me and at this point, I was starving, so I just wanted to go home.

So we have it all worked out and it's being delivered on Friday. YAY. Only four more nights of shit sleep. But here's what we got:


But we don't have that armoir thing. We have the bed (with storage... oh it's so delightful), two nightstands, the dresser and mirror shown, and then a tall dresser for Matt's shit. I'm so excited. I can't even tell you how excited I am to have dressers that work and I don't have to wrestle the drawers open.

And then we got the iComfort Savant Queen set. I was all, "I don't want to sleep on fucking foam. Foam is for losers." Until laid on the damn thing and almost had to be forcibly removed. It's hands down the most comfortable thing ever. It's like a cloud. I'll be sleeping on a cloud, JUST like a Care Bear. Except we got the low profile one to fit into our bed but it'll be the same height as our current bed. Which, yay. I like a high bed so I feel like I'm really climbing into bed. I'll never have to flip or rotate this, and I'm sure the cats are thrilled. Every time I do that I almost kill at least one of them and take out all of the furniture and wall hangings in the process. If it sinks like a half inch EVER, replaced with no problems.

I may or may not have offered to take their display model, I was THAT excited. But they mentioned something about warranty and cleanliness or whatever so I have to wait until Friday.

But then after all of that excitement, we went out to eat at Grandma's Restaurant. Which, is one of my favorites in Duluth because I like their American Classic burger. To the point where I will literally crave it. God dammit I love that place. Anyways.

So a few weeks ago I was toying with the crazy ass option of eating kale per Finny who was telling me that it's OK to eat and good for you. But then she said it was also used for garnish and I was like, oh hell no. Done, not doing it. That and she said it has a peculiar flavor and very different from my regular vegetable intake of iceberg lettuce.

Well I failed to see this kale shit on my burger and I ate it on accident. I was that excited for my burger.

Long story short, I had to slam my entire glass of Coke so it would go down without my vomiting all over the table which is what I do when I eat things that are bad. It's embarrassing and honestly, if I could control that I totally would. Lesson of this is that A) I don't like kale and B) don't ever ask me to try new things- I might puke.

Matt gave me the look because he knew things were going to go south, which is why I ended up with a mean case of burping and hiccups from slamming that much of a carbonated beverage in a short span.

Clearly better than vomiting all over the place.