It would've been a good week.

I haven't really looked at the calendar much except to stay on top of book reviews because everything is obviously cancelled. It really hasn't been a big deal because we don't do much, but this was supposed to be a big week.

• Olivia would have had high school transition night yesterday. She is going to be a freshman next year and I'm so nervous and excited at the same time, and I know she is too. I think she was looking forward to that just to learn more about high school and ask questions to calm her nerves. She's like me in that way, she wants to be as prepared as she can ahead of time and it helps. 
• Today would have been Penelope's spring concert at school. I was going to buy her a cute spring dress to wear and she was going to sing some songs, probably have a family craft day afterwards like for the holiday concert. 
• Tomorrow Penelope turns FIVE, if you can believe it, and no pandemic can cancel that so we'll still celebrate. 
• Olivia would be having her final middle school band concert on Thursday. She was looking forward to that too and her songs sound amazing. I think this is the first of a few things she's sad about as she closes out her time at middle school. 
• Friday would have been big, Penelope should have been going to Kindergarten Round Up. She would be meeting teachers and seeing classrooms. Maybe doing a craft alongside some other kids. It would help her be less scared when we (hopefully) start in the fall again. 
• Sunday would have been a finale practice for Olivia's dance recital. The recital would have happened on May 9th, but the show I know she worked so hard for is cancelled. Well, they are doing some kind of performance on Zoom and its going to be lame and she likely can't even do it because we have zero room in the house to do it. We get zero internet in the yard so that's out. I'm so angry that our costumes can't be used next year which is a whole other thing, and Matt is livid that we're expected to shell hundreds of dollars for more costumes when we didn't get to wear these. I get it. Sigh. 

Some good things, though: 

• Penelope turns five tomorrow and I'm so excited. She has been counting down for months and her little brain just about exploded when she realized tomorrow is the day! We have a cake for her, some presents for her, and some ice cream, of course. I think a couple of friends are going to drop something on the porch for her, too. She was really bummed that she can't be the birthday star in her little 4K class, but her teacher DID mail her a little card and she was so excited and as she put it, had "happy tears". 
• My library/craft space/office is amazing. I know I keep talking about it but truly, it is so amazing and I'm so grateful and I thank my lucky stars Matt is so great at everything. 
• Its getting warmer, which means I can walk outside more often. I am hoping I can find my winter hat and just got now. (It's still chilly and my ears get too cold.)
• Twinky got to go to the groomers and thank goodness because I think he was just as nervous as I was when I told him I was going to try to give him a hair cut. 

I'm trying to write out the good and the bad every day. It's OK to get the bad out there as long as I don't dwell on it and I am able to throw up some good there, too. I hope you have some good happening, too. 

Losing my sanity.

I know, I absolutely know that I am not special. Just because I am losing my sanity being in quarantine doesn't mean I'm special.

Everyone is slowly losing their minds and I get it.

What is different here is that since my AFE, I have a whole slew of mental health issues. On my absolute best days I struggle with volatility. I might be happy as a clam and out of nowhere I'm so angry I could break every dish we own. I might start a craft project with the best intentions and suddenly I'm throwing it all away and sending everyone to their room because I can't handle the sounds of their voices and I'll likely burst into tears because I know it isn't normal but I can't stop it.

Believe it or not, that's me medicated. That's the best version of what life is like for me.

Is it normal? NOPE. Is it OK for the kids to deal with that? NOPE. Do I feel like the worst mother in the world? YEP. Am I angry that this is how I am now? ABSOLUTELY. Do I feel terrible because I used to be a really great mom and now I just suck and make everyone cry? NO DOUBT.

The last couple of weeks started out alright. I had a list of things to do everyday and my therapist told me I can do anything for short spans. If I look at things as small chunks of time, I can do anything. Look at the start and end date and I'll be OK. The problem with there being no end date here is that I am just left feeling like I'm in a bottomless pit of awful. It reminds me of the spans of time that I was suicidal.

Don't get me wrong, there has never been a time that I didn't think about being dead in general or being dead as a solution to life. That remains consistent; however, with medication and coping techniques I've been able to shift my thinking on really awful days.

Unfortunately, those aren't long term solutions. I'm 100% sure that if I lived in a warmer climate I would be better because at least I could go for a walk or a bike ride and not worry about getting so cold that I can't function. It isn't a matter of bundle up and I'll be fine, I no longer manage body temperature too well so I swing wildly from so cold I might die to so hot I'm going to pass out. It's one and then swing wildly to the other. You might be able to ride your bike with a light jacket and maybe gloves but I need full winter gear and then will sweat profusely, only to feel like hypothermia is setting in when I take the jacket off.

Going outside isn't a real option for me.

Instead I've been trying to keep busy around the house. Unpacking, cleaning, going to the old house to work on stuff. It's great until I get going and everything starts to hurt. I get so tired, like I've run a marathon, and all I've done is swept the kitchen floor. It's aggravating and I get angry because I just want to be normal and do normal things. I stopped the medication that kind of helped with that because my hair is coming out in massive clumps. Handfuls. That picture above? you can see the receding hairline on the sides (like right under my pins). My hair has always been outrageous thick and full and now? I can put a bun in my hair. Absolutely unheard of a year ago. Without the medication though everything on me hurts. I'm also so tired that ten hours of sleep isn't doing it. I'm barely making it to nap time every day.

I won't even tell you about the outrageous crying sessions I'm doing. Last week I collapsed onto the living room and just cried. For HOURS. Meanwhile the kids are seemingly used to it and just go around me. Matt has to work and frankly, he doesn't need to deal with me. I am hoping I can do a telehealth appointment for therapy in two weeks otherwise I might go right off the deep end. I'm barely hanging onto the edge anymore.

We're still moving. It's hard.

Despite a coronavirus pandemic, we are still moving. Matt is building our bedroom and my future office in the basement while the kids and I are trying to move as much as we can that doesn't require his muscles and can fit in my vehicle. We had been counting on asking for people to help us and that's quickly becoming not an option.

Unfortunate because I can't lift at all and Matt most likely needs surgery on his elbow and everything is just working against us, but honestly? What else can we POSSIBLY expect? I told Matt we should just expect the worst from now on because that's what it just is.

Another such scenario is our current couches would not fit in new house. Inconvenient? Yes. Crisis? No. I had some money saved up because we intended to buy couches soon but all of this kind of derailed that. Until it didn't.

So we got new ones which I bought online in a bargain bin basically and they were delivered.

Thankfully they aren't super ugly and awful, they are quite nice but are quite a bit smaller than we have become accustomed to. Not a crisis. 

We also had to downsize our kid book collection, which was quite extensive, and was almost two shelves, each 84 inches long. You can see I did a damn good job slimming us down. 

While Matt has been busy in the basement the big kids and I have been unpacking as soon as we can so we can reuse our boxes and hopefully return our unused ones and get some money back. Late nights make Jackson punchy. 

Thankfully I had the forethought to purchase Easter basket goodies ahead of time because I really didn't think I'd have the time or money to do it closer to April. That's actually turning out to be true because I've spent so much money on groceries and things we might need in the event we are all quarantined for awhile. Buying that kind of supply for SIX PEOPLE is really freaking expensive. 

Guess what else is tricky? Trying to get two rambunctious little girls to take naps on the couch while stuff is going on because I don't have beds for them here yet. That's fun. 

I managed to make that happen on Monday and I was so freaking grateful because they even went to bed at a decent time later on.

We've had to bring Twinky with us to the new house because we are spending basically all day there and he has to be taken out to pee and such. 

By the time we get home he finds his lady friend (stuffed dog that looks like hell) and he humps her for a long time. So that's fun to watch. 

A lot of the big furniture is moved out and its starting to look so bare in here. Which is bittersweet. I'm going to miss this house and all of the plans we had, but it also feels like I'm closing the last chapter of a really awful book, if that makes sense. Its time for someone else to make happy memories here. 

And because of my napping-on-the-couch abilities, I took a picture because it happened again today and Penelope and Twinky look super cute.

So I'm stressed to the max. We have no idea if our DC/NYC trip is being rescheduled. I have no idea if our dance season is done. I have no idea if we are even going back to school this year. I really have no idea what is coming up for us and I'm terrified but trying to get myself to calm the hell down. One day at a time. If anything, this just shows us how unprepared we all are and how much we take our everyday conveniences for granted. If nothing else, I really hope my family and I come out of this far more appreciative for little things, like being able to go get milk when we need it. Or go to the movies for fun.

Until then, I'm going to eat the last of my Sweet Tart jellybeans because I'm stressed out.

Pandemics are not fun.

Today I should be exploring Washington, D.C. and getting excited for a five hour bus ride to New York City.

But I am not because of a pandemic.

I have a lot of feelings about this pandemic and how people are handling it but the top two feelings are anger and fear.

I'm angry that people think it isn't a big deal, refuse to quarantine, and for whatever reason think this is all media hype for fun. I don't get it, but not everyone can be bright bulbs, right? I am legitimately scared because I am immuno-compromised. It is dangerous for me to get a cold let alone the flu. If I get any kind of sick I have to increase my medications and hope for the best. I can go to normal to organ failure in no time.

People like me really need you to Netflix and chill.

I really need you to stay home. Marie Kondo the hell out of your house. Do your spring cleaning early. Read a book (or ten). Learn to make something from scratch. Catch up on laundry. Take naps. Literally do anything except leave your house.

I know its hard and it really sucks. I have four kids, BELIEVE ME, I GET IT. Our governor has closed schools until April 6 and starting next week my middle school kids have to do school stuff on their laptops. I have no idea how I'm going to keep high energy Penelope and Lucy entertained in the house for weeks on end. It isn't like I can just whip out an activity, we're spread out between two houses right now so I have no idea where any of my stuff is. Crafts? No clue. We found books and games but if you think I want to play hours of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders you are insane.

I really hope Matt can make huge progress on our room so that we can literally move during this time and that'll obviously keep us all busy and I'm sure time will fly by.

In the meantime, I have no idea if our big adventure will be rescheduled, I really hope so. Cross your fingers. Olivia's dance competitions have been postponed, we have no idea when they'll happen. Dance classes are also postponed, which makes sense. I'm grateful that I was able to buy some groceries so we can hopefully make it. I am grateful that we had the ability to purchase extra things. I am grateful to have a medical team who understands my situation and is helping me through it. I am grateful my parents are here because that makes this stressful time a little less crappy.

Next week I have four doctor appointments and I just really hope I can get to all of them.