Garden Update- ch, ch, ch, changes

Just know going into this that I'm giving you a lot of pictures, you're going to be here awhile. Go get a snack and a drink. 

Anyways. So, if you're new, you need to know I generally cannot keep plants of any kind alive. Quarantine got me trying new things and I figured if I'm going to be home all of the time, I can try a new hobby. Also, someone gave me an article about depression and how digging in dirt can help? I don't really remember but I figured at this point I'm willing to try unorthodox treatments. 

And if you're wondering, it definitely doesn't help with depression but increases my anxiety so I'm not sure if I'm ahead or more behind anymore .

Let us start with hibiscus. She has a sister in another area, and like a rookie, I planted them directly into the ground. If you pay attention you'll remember I live in northern Wisconsin, which is pretty far from tropical anything. Everyone has reminded me that this is going to die if I leave in the ground during winter. 

You'll be happy to know I purchased pots and good soil and I'm going to try to transfer them. I'm so worried I'll kill them. 

These were red lillies, I have two of these, and they had flowers which did their thing and then died and fell off. I cut back the brown like Google told me to do and this isn't a great photo but there are like, fat nubs... do you think they will flower again?!

Shasta daisy bush is doing the damn thing! It had one flower and a bunch of "we are being lazy and not blooming" things but look! It finally did something!

My second big bunch of delphinium (on the same plant) did its thing and it is so stinking pretty. It's like a purple/blue color. I just don't know how to keep it up. I mean, I guess I could do a tomato cage or something but what happens in nature? You don't have a bunch of cages in the woods or whatever, do they just droop? Is that what they do?

I have this rose bush by my bedroom window that had buds everywhere when we bought it and planted it. Then they just died and it has been a sad sack little bush. It was embarrassing itself, really. All of a sudden... there's a bud!

And an actual flower! Surprising because this plant had a tag saying I would be getting bright pink flowers and these are orange/yellow. Which I'm not hating. 

I have two smaller things of daisies which aren't failures but aren't as talented as their older sister down the house. 

I don't know what this is but it doesn't smell like anything like the tag said it would. But it also isn't ugly anymore so I'll take it. 

I will remember you..... will you remember me? (If you aren't singing Sarah McLachlan, get off my page, you don't belong here.) The lupine is done, I think, I really don't know if they like... bloom again. Again, the tags on plants were pretty off the mark on everything and these were supposed to be white. I had a white, a yellow, and a reddish one? It was bizarre but I'm not hating it. 

Oh, here is the other hibiscus sister. Honestly, I might keep this photo forever, look at those water droplets!

Oh yes. So I planted some hostas as filler whatevers. I bought FOUR OF THE SAME (of course, that is what the tag said but to be fair, they all looked the same when purchased). This one... is a runt. It is like the bastard child and the fact he isn't like the others is driving me crazy. 

The others are like these. There are these two, and on the other side, one of these and then the runt. He gets the same amount of everything and still he is a failure. 

Oooh... look at my dogwood! It is getting tall and I tried to go buy two more but they were all gone everywhere. 

Quick break to brag about my flamingo. I got him off of Amazon and no, I didn't pay that much for it. I wanted a pineapple one but I can't find them anywhere. But that's who I am now, I buy garden decor. 

Don't think the yard is bangin', either. I have this triangle wasteland. It is out of control. I pull stuff, it comes back twice as fast. It is insane. 

It isn't all crap though, I have a couple of lily plants doing their thing and looking pretty. 

I have a hollyhock, which I wanted more of but they are hard to find in stores but I'm going to take its babies it drops and plant them, hope for the best. 

We don't know what this is but it has thorns and I feel like maybe that mean it isn't total crap?

Same with this thing. If you think I'm growing something poisonous, let me know. HA!

Over by the driveway/alley there is one lone rose branch growing inside of a huge lilac bush. 

See? Isn't it pretty? I'm not sure how to help it so that's a problem for another year. 

I also have this L shaped corner. It really just needs to have weeds pulled, the snow on the mountain tamed, and things given room to do what plants do, but I just don't think that is in the cards this year. Maybe a little bit. 

I do know there are these pretty rose bushes. It looks like there are two in there but it could be just one big one, too. 

I do like these purple things that I have no idea what they are. 

I think these might be more daisies!

Oh yes. I love this yellow plant. I think it is too late to save the hosta this year, but maybe next year I'll try to separate them. Who knows. 

I thought it was a rabbit eating my hosta on the other side and you guys, I think it might be the deer. Someone told me hosta is like crack for deer. Look what they did to my baby!

The original victim is coming back nicely. 

I don't know what this is. It was $2 in a clearance bin and I'd like for it to do something already. 

OH! I also have to show that my first hibiscus? Showing her sister up by giving me a pink AND an orange flower. BOTH! BOTH, YOU GUYS! 

Now I'm really worried about the transplant. 

So I don't know, I feel like I'm doing OK and things seem to be relatively happy. I continue to worry about the hydrangeas in the front, I think I got cocky with those. I hope they pull through. 

It would've been a good week.

I haven't really looked at the calendar much except to stay on top of book reviews because everything is obviously cancelled. It really hasn't been a big deal because we don't do much, but this was supposed to be a big week.

• Olivia would have had high school transition night yesterday. She is going to be a freshman next year and I'm so nervous and excited at the same time, and I know she is too. I think she was looking forward to that just to learn more about high school and ask questions to calm her nerves. She's like me in that way, she wants to be as prepared as she can ahead of time and it helps. 
• Today would have been Penelope's spring concert at school. I was going to buy her a cute spring dress to wear and she was going to sing some songs, probably have a family craft day afterwards like for the holiday concert. 
• Tomorrow Penelope turns FIVE, if you can believe it, and no pandemic can cancel that so we'll still celebrate. 
• Olivia would be having her final middle school band concert on Thursday. She was looking forward to that too and her songs sound amazing. I think this is the first of a few things she's sad about as she closes out her time at middle school. 
• Friday would have been big, Penelope should have been going to Kindergarten Round Up. She would be meeting teachers and seeing classrooms. Maybe doing a craft alongside some other kids. It would help her be less scared when we (hopefully) start in the fall again. 
• Sunday would have been a finale practice for Olivia's dance recital. The recital would have happened on May 9th, but the show I know she worked so hard for is cancelled. Well, they are doing some kind of performance on Zoom and its going to be lame and she likely can't even do it because we have zero room in the house to do it. We get zero internet in the yard so that's out. I'm so angry that our costumes can't be used next year which is a whole other thing, and Matt is livid that we're expected to shell hundreds of dollars for more costumes when we didn't get to wear these. I get it. Sigh. 

Some good things, though: 

• Penelope turns five tomorrow and I'm so excited. She has been counting down for months and her little brain just about exploded when she realized tomorrow is the day! We have a cake for her, some presents for her, and some ice cream, of course. I think a couple of friends are going to drop something on the porch for her, too. She was really bummed that she can't be the birthday star in her little 4K class, but her teacher DID mail her a little card and she was so excited and as she put it, had "happy tears". 
• My library/craft space/office is amazing. I know I keep talking about it but truly, it is so amazing and I'm so grateful and I thank my lucky stars Matt is so great at everything. 
• Its getting warmer, which means I can walk outside more often. I am hoping I can find my winter hat and just got now. (It's still chilly and my ears get too cold.)
• Twinky got to go to the groomers and thank goodness because I think he was just as nervous as I was when I told him I was going to try to give him a hair cut. 

I'm trying to write out the good and the bad every day. It's OK to get the bad out there as long as I don't dwell on it and I am able to throw up some good there, too. I hope you have some good happening, too. 

Losing my sanity.

I know, I absolutely know that I am not special. Just because I am losing my sanity being in quarantine doesn't mean I'm special.

Everyone is slowly losing their minds and I get it.

What is different here is that since my AFE, I have a whole slew of mental health issues. On my absolute best days I struggle with volatility. I might be happy as a clam and out of nowhere I'm so angry I could break every dish we own. I might start a craft project with the best intentions and suddenly I'm throwing it all away and sending everyone to their room because I can't handle the sounds of their voices and I'll likely burst into tears because I know it isn't normal but I can't stop it.

Believe it or not, that's me medicated. That's the best version of what life is like for me.

Is it normal? NOPE. Is it OK for the kids to deal with that? NOPE. Do I feel like the worst mother in the world? YEP. Am I angry that this is how I am now? ABSOLUTELY. Do I feel terrible because I used to be a really great mom and now I just suck and make everyone cry? NO DOUBT.

The last couple of weeks started out alright. I had a list of things to do everyday and my therapist told me I can do anything for short spans. If I look at things as small chunks of time, I can do anything. Look at the start and end date and I'll be OK. The problem with there being no end date here is that I am just left feeling like I'm in a bottomless pit of awful. It reminds me of the spans of time that I was suicidal.

Don't get me wrong, there has never been a time that I didn't think about being dead in general or being dead as a solution to life. That remains consistent; however, with medication and coping techniques I've been able to shift my thinking on really awful days.

Unfortunately, those aren't long term solutions. I'm 100% sure that if I lived in a warmer climate I would be better because at least I could go for a walk or a bike ride and not worry about getting so cold that I can't function. It isn't a matter of bundle up and I'll be fine, I no longer manage body temperature too well so I swing wildly from so cold I might die to so hot I'm going to pass out. It's one and then swing wildly to the other. You might be able to ride your bike with a light jacket and maybe gloves but I need full winter gear and then will sweat profusely, only to feel like hypothermia is setting in when I take the jacket off.

Going outside isn't a real option for me.

Instead I've been trying to keep busy around the house. Unpacking, cleaning, going to the old house to work on stuff. It's great until I get going and everything starts to hurt. I get so tired, like I've run a marathon, and all I've done is swept the kitchen floor. It's aggravating and I get angry because I just want to be normal and do normal things. I stopped the medication that kind of helped with that because my hair is coming out in massive clumps. Handfuls. That picture above? you can see the receding hairline on the sides (like right under my pins). My hair has always been outrageous thick and full and now? I can put a bun in my hair. Absolutely unheard of a year ago. Without the medication though everything on me hurts. I'm also so tired that ten hours of sleep isn't doing it. I'm barely making it to nap time every day.

I won't even tell you about the outrageous crying sessions I'm doing. Last week I collapsed onto the living room and just cried. For HOURS. Meanwhile the kids are seemingly used to it and just go around me. Matt has to work and frankly, he doesn't need to deal with me. I am hoping I can do a telehealth appointment for therapy in two weeks otherwise I might go right off the deep end. I'm barely hanging onto the edge anymore.