Progress is progress.

It's so funny to look back at old blog posts, mostly between 2010 and 2012, and see how hard I worked at losing weight. I was out there every day doing my walk/run and I was portion control measuring everything. At some point I got to 160 pounds and it was like I was the skinniest girl in the world. 

Here I am all of these years later and I'm still at it. I'm doing it differently, that's for sure. In December I started going to the doctor to see what I could do because what I knew to do wasn't working. While a bit depressing, I at least got confirmation that my medications and my conditions post AFE are major issues so it isn't rocket science that I'm gaining weight like crazy. 

In December I started at 206.1 pounds. It wasn't my heaviest, I know I hit around 215, but when I really started to lose weight again I was around 211 pounds. 

Since starting at the doctor, I try to eat a lot of protein, around 50-75 grams a day split throughout the day. It's a lot and I'm telling you, I'm starting to hate protein. I'm terrible at the vegetables and I'm really trying with the fruits. I've really cut down on my carbs (except pasta night, not sorry) and dairy. Overall, despite all of my stomach/digestive issues, I'm doing well. 

I'm also exercising. Matt said he needs to lose weight so we've been walking a few times a week. I have to get 140 minutes of exercise in during the week. It doesn't matter what it is, I just have to move my body. 

So we walk. I don't know what the plan is for winter, I'm hoping we can get the treadmill from storage here. Maybe one of us can use that and the other use the bike thingie and just take turns switching. I don't know. I'm trying to do leg things because they hurt so badly all of the time and my doctors tell me if I keep them moving it will help the progression of rheumatoid arthritis, so that's what I'm doing. 

I started with a size 16, almost 18 pant... they were pretty snug. I'm officially in a size 12 pant and I'm not mad about it. My shirts were 2X and I'm on that edge of L and XL. This shirt was one I bought before I got pregnant with Penelope and it fits again. 

I feel better. I don't feel great, but I can feel an improvement. Self esteem wise I'm better. Also not great, but I know I'm in a better place than I was when I started. I don't feel as self conscious even around Matt, so that is big. Not that he would ever, or has ever, made me feel anything less than beautiful, but all of the positive reinforcement means nothing if you don't believe it, right? 

I'm still continuing. My healthy goal weight was 160 pounds, I'm currently at 170. Once I get there I think we do lab work again to see what has changed. We'll see. I'm pretty proud of myself though. The fact I've been able to consistently exercise even though it hurts like hell makes me feel like a bad ass. Just keep swimming. 

Weight Loss Update- Clinic Visit #2

It feels like forever since I've updated you but I am going to do it periodically now because my momentum is seemingly slow. Which, I guess is good and bad. I wish it were faster but I'm glad I'm not losing dramatic amounts of weight quickly because that's not good either.

So if you remember, right before Christmas I went to my first appointment with a weight loss doctor. He's the step you take before you consider weight loss surgery. I am firmly in the "I refuse to do any kind of weight loss surgery" camp and I'm OK with that, but I also want to lose weight. He put me on a diet and it's not strict as in what foods I can eat, but I do need to keep my calories in the 1700 range per day, and my serving sizes of things need to be the palm of my hand. My goal of protein intake is 75 grams of protein a day spread out (so like 25 grams per meal, basically), and ideally I would be losing 1-3 pounds per week. Which... that didn't totally happen.

My starting weight was 206 pounds, and my goal weight is set for 160, so I obviously have a long ways to go.

Today I had my first check in appointment and I am down to 204 pounds, and I lost half an inch from my waist. While it's not some spectacular progress, he said he's impressed considering I started my diet right before Christmas and its the worst possible time to start so I guess that's something.

I don't see him again until the end of March so I should have lost 10-30 pounds by my next visit. Which.... that sounds fucking DAUNTING. I mean, obviously I'm shooting for the 10 pounds because I just don't think 30 sounds reasonable given how my first month has gone. All of that means I have to make a few more changes, so....

• No more soda. I'm going to struggle here because though I drink 8 ounces every other day... it's too much sugar and I just can't do it. 
• Exercise. I know I could have lost more this month if I had actually exercised, so I'm going to do that again. I moved my recumbent bike to the living room so I really will have no excuse not to. I have time in the morning once I drop the girls off at school that I can do it. I also want to have Matt pull my treadmill out again (it is currently folded up and I can't get it unfolded) so I can walk on that because I am definitely not steady enough to walk in snow and on ice right now. 
• No  more fast food. Not that we eat it a lot now, but I have to cut it out completely because this will also help with curbing our spending, too. 

My portions right now are good, I'm consistently under my calorie range each day and I feel OK about it. The protein thing is an issue, I really cannot get up to 75 grams, but he told me if I'm in the 50-60 range that I'm "in the zone" and he's OK with it, so at least I am not a complete failure there. 

Are you trying to lose weight this year? What's your goal for that? Do you have any amazing low calorie recipes that are super easy (or crock pot)? Of course I'm cruising Pinterest but I'm encountering far more fails than successes with those so if you have a tried and true one, I'm open to them! 

Disappointment, Depression, Diet.

I know I haven't blogged in a few days and I wish I could say it's because I have so much going on I just couldn't squeeze it in. In a way, that's true.

Mostly though, it's just depression.

It's kicking my ass. My irritability is at an all time high. I feel like I'm walking a tight rope between looking fine and falling all the way apart. I constantly feel like the littlest thing could happen and send me into an emotional spiral of never ending crying.

I'm trying really hard to be cheerful and I really hate that this seems to happen this time of year because this is my favorite time of year. I hate that while depression has ruined a lot of my life it's now taking the one holiday I really, really love.

Why can't I have just one thing?

In other news, I finally went to the weight loss doctor. I'm sure I've talked about this months ago but it's finally happened and I learned a lot. The bare facts:

• I'm 206.1 pounds, 40% body fat. (No surprise there, I knew all of that)
• My goal weight is 160 pounds, 20% body fat (this is actually reassuring because that's where I was at before Penelope and I felt pretty good about things so I felt good knowing I wasn't aiming for something crazy like 120 or something)
• I'm an apple shape and apple are better than pears BECAUSE apples genetically can lose weight doing light/moderate exercise whereas pears have to really go hard in the gym. It's just how a body works, and it's weird but I like being an apple. 
• My visceral fat is 11, and that puts me in the "high" category. Between the visceral fat information and all of the lab work I had done, he's very concerned about me and diabetes. It's not my blood sugar necessarily, but my body is clearly not processing, absorbing, or breaking down anything normally so he said my primary concern needs to be this.  

I came away with a new pill, Metformin, and so far I'm tolerating it OK. I'm astounded at how huge it is so THAT's fun to take every day. Pretty soon I'll have to take it twice a day. Goody.

The plan is for me to get 30-60 minutes of exercise every day over and above what I normally do for activity in a day, nothing crazy. He doesn't even care what I do, he just wants activity.

My new diet? It's called the "Measuring Cup Free Diet" and it's pretty much just portion control. He spent a lot of time doing math with me to figure out what I need to (hopefully) help my body function more normally.

• 75 grams of protein, spread out over the day. I can have a protein shake or a protein bar but he showed me how to tell if the bar is actually any good for me, and told me to not get a shake at the local shake places, I have to make my own. There are too many other additives and things in those that would make it basically useless for me. So, that sucks because I'm scared of my blender so YAY. 
• 4 servings of vegetables. A DAY. If you know me at all you know I hate vegetables and I'm already really struggling on this. 
• 3 servings of fruit. Again, barf. 
• 2 servings of starch... which is the worst. I can have one piece of bread, 1/3 cup of cooked pasta or rice, and 1/2 cup of cereal. Only one of those a day. I'M GOING TO DIE. 
• 1 serving of dairy. Which I'm OK with because I'm not big on dairy, but it's only one slice of cheese. I mean, I love cheese. 

The plan is food journal EVERYTHING and I'm on day three and I hate it. I'm sure it'll get easier. My limit is like 1700 calories or something, and I'm finding I'm ending up with left over calories every day, so at least I'm doing well there. It's the protein that's going to kill me. That and vegetables. I think I can swing the fruit if I have to. But vegetables are gross. Barf. 

I'm only allowed to lose 1-3 pounds a week. If I'm losing more he's concerned something isn't functioning the way it should so we would do labs and see what's going on and make adjustments. Same if I'm not moving anywhere. So I'm optimistic. He's very nice, he made it clear he isn't going to lecture or shame me and said he 100% understands why I haven't lost weight, I'm fighting genetics and a hormonal system that doesn't work. 

Oh! And I learned that just because you take replacement hormones, that doesn't make up for the real thing to the rest of your hormones. My blood looks normal but my organs are functioning as if they have no hormones bossing them around, so things are kind haywire. It's like leaving a bunch of toddlers with no supervision in a kitchen. Basically. 

So we'll see. Best case scenario, this time next year I might look and feel totally different. 

Weight Loss (week 27)

I missed last week because I couldn't get myself together, which seems to be a reoccurring theme, doesn't it?

Last week I weighed myself and I came in at 213, which honestly isn't as bad as I thought it was. The lowest I've gotten here is 209, so I'm going to take this. The interesting thing is I feel like I have lost more but the scale says differently. Which also makes me wonder the role hormones play in weight gain/loss because I know my hormone replacement is what is holding me back from losing weight at a faster pace than I am.

Anyways.

The good thing is that this week the weather is going to get warmer (supposedly) so I'm excited about going for walks in the morning. I'll be pushing the stroller with the girls so that's a decent amount of weight I'm pushing because they aren't little toddler/baby anymore, it's preschooler/toddler, and they wiggle which makes the process so much harder than it needs to be. Lucy LOVES going for a walk and Penelope is at the age where she hates it but she also can't walk (or ride her bike) for that kind of distance so there's no choice there for her.

Also, with Lucy's speech therapy I have to work her gross motor skills and then do her exercises to see if she gets better after some activity or if there is no improvement, so that means going to the park to run around and climb so I feel like I'm going to tire out easily. But it'll be good for me, too.

I come back to this photo a lot and my friend Amy sent it to me last week. This is from 2011 and I was doing a lot of walk/running at the time and I thought I was so fat. I really felt fat, like I hadn't made any kind of weight loss progress, and when I see it I'm equal parts angry and proud. Proud because I looked damn good and that would be a dream weight/size to be for me now. But I'm angry because I look at where I am now and I'm so far from that and I think, I should be OK with where I am because it could certainly be worse. What if I was 313 pounds? 413 pounds? That Sara would be pissed off with the 213 pound Sara because that was nothing compared to heavier Sara. Does that make sense? I really hate that I didn't enjoy my weight loss back then, that I didn't feel proud of myself for accomplishing that. I know I wasn't at my goal weight, but I looked really good.

I'd like to get there. Not so much the number on the scale, but looking like that and enjoy getting dressed in the morning because I would have more to choose from. It's a weird place to be in, stuck between hating where you're at but knowing full well it could be worse so I should be grateful it isn't worse.

So when I look at current pictures like this one from yesterday, I think god damn, and I get so angry.

But it's time to do something. Yesterday I went for a one mile walk and I didn't feel like I was going to die at the end. We'll see how I feel later today. The goal today though is to go for a walk and just keep doing this, even if I can only go for a mile at a time.