Progress is progress.

It's so funny to look back at old blog posts, mostly between 2010 and 2012, and see how hard I worked at losing weight. I was out there every day doing my walk/run and I was portion control measuring everything. At some point I got to 160 pounds and it was like I was the skinniest girl in the world. 

Here I am all of these years later and I'm still at it. I'm doing it differently, that's for sure. In December I started going to the doctor to see what I could do because what I knew to do wasn't working. While a bit depressing, I at least got confirmation that my medications and my conditions post AFE are major issues so it isn't rocket science that I'm gaining weight like crazy. 

In December I started at 206.1 pounds. It wasn't my heaviest, I know I hit around 215, but when I really started to lose weight again I was around 211 pounds. 

Since starting at the doctor, I try to eat a lot of protein, around 50-75 grams a day split throughout the day. It's a lot and I'm telling you, I'm starting to hate protein. I'm terrible at the vegetables and I'm really trying with the fruits. I've really cut down on my carbs (except pasta night, not sorry) and dairy. Overall, despite all of my stomach/digestive issues, I'm doing well. 

I'm also exercising. Matt said he needs to lose weight so we've been walking a few times a week. I have to get 140 minutes of exercise in during the week. It doesn't matter what it is, I just have to move my body. 

So we walk. I don't know what the plan is for winter, I'm hoping we can get the treadmill from storage here. Maybe one of us can use that and the other use the bike thingie and just take turns switching. I don't know. I'm trying to do leg things because they hurt so badly all of the time and my doctors tell me if I keep them moving it will help the progression of rheumatoid arthritis, so that's what I'm doing. 

I started with a size 16, almost 18 pant... they were pretty snug. I'm officially in a size 12 pant and I'm not mad about it. My shirts were 2X and I'm on that edge of L and XL. This shirt was one I bought before I got pregnant with Penelope and it fits again. 

I feel better. I don't feel great, but I can feel an improvement. Self esteem wise I'm better. Also not great, but I know I'm in a better place than I was when I started. I don't feel as self conscious even around Matt, so that is big. Not that he would ever, or has ever, made me feel anything less than beautiful, but all of the positive reinforcement means nothing if you don't believe it, right? 

I'm still continuing. My healthy goal weight was 160 pounds, I'm currently at 170. Once I get there I think we do lab work again to see what has changed. We'll see. I'm pretty proud of myself though. The fact I've been able to consistently exercise even though it hurts like hell makes me feel like a bad ass. Just keep swimming. 

Weeds, weight loss, hair loss, over it

Let's just do a week/weekend roundup. I'm trying really hard to take more pictures of our day to day life because what if this becomes like the 1918-1920 flu pandemic and people want our souvenirs for museums one day? I don't know what I'd even give them. Maybe I'll save an empty container of Lysol wipes and my masks.

What would you save??

Anyways, it seems like forever since I posted about having to lose weight and I bet you thought I feel off that wagon but nope. I'm still bumping along the road. For the most part I make good food choices but I'm honestly never hungry. Since having my gall bladder taken out I have lost all appetite. Not only that but anytime I do eat anything (or drink something other than water), it becomes a repeat of the Linzess situation and I just can't live like that.

It isn't even reasonable.

I've eaten quite a few salads and I just have to ask, and maybe I'm an idiot, but why do they put weeds in it? WHAT IS THAT? It looks like the weeds that grow in your yard that you spray chemicals on so they go away. Seriously. I asked Matt and he almost choked on a crouton laughing at me. 

In other news, Lucy has taken to reading to her baby dolls. Well, she comes up with her own colorful story but it is always hilarious, especially when she tells the doll to settle down. 

The girls got to wear swim suits for dance (via Zoom) and its clear we need to get some new ones. Well, I'll buy one for Pep and then Lucy will get Penelope's old ones. This week is pajama week I think, AND it will be on Penelope's birthday!

A few things here: 1. I hate telehealth doctor appointments. I hate them. I don't even Facetime people because I had all video calls. Strongly dislike. 2. I can't remember if I told you I'm losing hair. Like, a LOT OF HAIR. If you know me in real life you know that I have VERY thick hair that is normally curly/wavy (I usually straighten it because its easier for me to maintain day to day). You can kind of tell in the photo that my hairline is receding. I'll have to get a better photo, but my hair is half the thickness it used to be.  Half.

I'm 95% sure it is from taking Arava for my rheumatoid arthritis, so I've stopped taking it. It's been about three weeks now and the loss isn't near as bad as it was, so I'm hopeful it'll grow back some? The doctor tried to tell me that isn't a side effect but it clearly is but ALSO, it turned out to be why my mom doesn't take it. So clearly I'm not nuts.

Oh yes, my neighbor snow blows his grass, apparently. I do feel like there is more action/more people doing stuff outside in this neighborhood than my last, so that has been fun. Olivia and Jackson helped Penelope and Lucy ride their bikes down the street and some guy was cheering them on and honking his horn. 

We also had our first freezies of the year. It was chilly so Penelope and Lucy had to put theirs in oven mitts to hang onto them but still, its a win. (Notice Penelope's shoes are on the wrong feet?)

You can also see Olivia trying to give Twinky some of hers but I'm not sure if he likes cold things so much. 

Jackson being an absolute dork. He's really been helping me with hauling things out of the house or bringing things from the garage to the house so that's been nice. 

Matt and I have been trying to go on lunch dates on the weekends because we really need to spend some kid free time together (it is a priority of ours this year) to de-stress. I saw on Instagram that one of our favorites, Chilly Billy's was open with very limited hours so we went and it was fantastic!

It was even sunny! And hey- you can see how much hair I've lost! Not just hair on my head but eyebrows and some eyelashes, too. Totally sucky because I was really feeling good on the Arava but man... I can't handle that kind of hair loss. 

Oh! The big library/craft room/office reveal is coming soon! Matt worked SO HARD on this room and I am so grateful. I told him yesterday that it really is better than my old room. For real. Even better? I'm in the basement, as far away from people as possible, with a door that locks. It's so great. But here's the sneak peek I posted on Instagram this weekend. 

Oh- so back to weight loss! I can't find a before picture (?!?!?!?!) but here is today. I'm down to a size 14 pant but I think I might be close to a 12? Some of my 14's are big but the 12's are just a little uncomfortable still.

And! Let it be known that my boobs are no longer perky, but officially saggy. Matt asked if it was a no bra day today and nope. I had a bra on. A new one, in fact. He even checked for a strap in the back to confirm and yeah. That made me feel crappy. Sigh. Treasure your perky boobs, ladies. Treasure them. 

Weight Loss Update- Clinic Visit #2

It feels like forever since I've updated you but I am going to do it periodically now because my momentum is seemingly slow. Which, I guess is good and bad. I wish it were faster but I'm glad I'm not losing dramatic amounts of weight quickly because that's not good either.

So if you remember, right before Christmas I went to my first appointment with a weight loss doctor. He's the step you take before you consider weight loss surgery. I am firmly in the "I refuse to do any kind of weight loss surgery" camp and I'm OK with that, but I also want to lose weight. He put me on a diet and it's not strict as in what foods I can eat, but I do need to keep my calories in the 1700 range per day, and my serving sizes of things need to be the palm of my hand. My goal of protein intake is 75 grams of protein a day spread out (so like 25 grams per meal, basically), and ideally I would be losing 1-3 pounds per week. Which... that didn't totally happen.

My starting weight was 206 pounds, and my goal weight is set for 160, so I obviously have a long ways to go.

Today I had my first check in appointment and I am down to 204 pounds, and I lost half an inch from my waist. While it's not some spectacular progress, he said he's impressed considering I started my diet right before Christmas and its the worst possible time to start so I guess that's something.

I don't see him again until the end of March so I should have lost 10-30 pounds by my next visit. Which.... that sounds fucking DAUNTING. I mean, obviously I'm shooting for the 10 pounds because I just don't think 30 sounds reasonable given how my first month has gone. All of that means I have to make a few more changes, so....

• No more soda. I'm going to struggle here because though I drink 8 ounces every other day... it's too much sugar and I just can't do it. 
• Exercise. I know I could have lost more this month if I had actually exercised, so I'm going to do that again. I moved my recumbent bike to the living room so I really will have no excuse not to. I have time in the morning once I drop the girls off at school that I can do it. I also want to have Matt pull my treadmill out again (it is currently folded up and I can't get it unfolded) so I can walk on that because I am definitely not steady enough to walk in snow and on ice right now. 
• No  more fast food. Not that we eat it a lot now, but I have to cut it out completely because this will also help with curbing our spending, too. 

My portions right now are good, I'm consistently under my calorie range each day and I feel OK about it. The protein thing is an issue, I really cannot get up to 75 grams, but he told me if I'm in the 50-60 range that I'm "in the zone" and he's OK with it, so at least I am not a complete failure there. 

Are you trying to lose weight this year? What's your goal for that? Do you have any amazing low calorie recipes that are super easy (or crock pot)? Of course I'm cruising Pinterest but I'm encountering far more fails than successes with those so if you have a tried and true one, I'm open to them! 

Disappointment, Depression, Diet.

I know I haven't blogged in a few days and I wish I could say it's because I have so much going on I just couldn't squeeze it in. In a way, that's true.

Mostly though, it's just depression.

It's kicking my ass. My irritability is at an all time high. I feel like I'm walking a tight rope between looking fine and falling all the way apart. I constantly feel like the littlest thing could happen and send me into an emotional spiral of never ending crying.

I'm trying really hard to be cheerful and I really hate that this seems to happen this time of year because this is my favorite time of year. I hate that while depression has ruined a lot of my life it's now taking the one holiday I really, really love.

Why can't I have just one thing?

In other news, I finally went to the weight loss doctor. I'm sure I've talked about this months ago but it's finally happened and I learned a lot. The bare facts:

• I'm 206.1 pounds, 40% body fat. (No surprise there, I knew all of that)
• My goal weight is 160 pounds, 20% body fat (this is actually reassuring because that's where I was at before Penelope and I felt pretty good about things so I felt good knowing I wasn't aiming for something crazy like 120 or something)
• I'm an apple shape and apple are better than pears BECAUSE apples genetically can lose weight doing light/moderate exercise whereas pears have to really go hard in the gym. It's just how a body works, and it's weird but I like being an apple. 
• My visceral fat is 11, and that puts me in the "high" category. Between the visceral fat information and all of the lab work I had done, he's very concerned about me and diabetes. It's not my blood sugar necessarily, but my body is clearly not processing, absorbing, or breaking down anything normally so he said my primary concern needs to be this.  

I came away with a new pill, Metformin, and so far I'm tolerating it OK. I'm astounded at how huge it is so THAT's fun to take every day. Pretty soon I'll have to take it twice a day. Goody.

The plan is for me to get 30-60 minutes of exercise every day over and above what I normally do for activity in a day, nothing crazy. He doesn't even care what I do, he just wants activity.

My new diet? It's called the "Measuring Cup Free Diet" and it's pretty much just portion control. He spent a lot of time doing math with me to figure out what I need to (hopefully) help my body function more normally.

• 75 grams of protein, spread out over the day. I can have a protein shake or a protein bar but he showed me how to tell if the bar is actually any good for me, and told me to not get a shake at the local shake places, I have to make my own. There are too many other additives and things in those that would make it basically useless for me. So, that sucks because I'm scared of my blender so YAY. 
• 4 servings of vegetables. A DAY. If you know me at all you know I hate vegetables and I'm already really struggling on this. 
• 3 servings of fruit. Again, barf. 
• 2 servings of starch... which is the worst. I can have one piece of bread, 1/3 cup of cooked pasta or rice, and 1/2 cup of cereal. Only one of those a day. I'M GOING TO DIE. 
• 1 serving of dairy. Which I'm OK with because I'm not big on dairy, but it's only one slice of cheese. I mean, I love cheese. 

The plan is food journal EVERYTHING and I'm on day three and I hate it. I'm sure it'll get easier. My limit is like 1700 calories or something, and I'm finding I'm ending up with left over calories every day, so at least I'm doing well there. It's the protein that's going to kill me. That and vegetables. I think I can swing the fruit if I have to. But vegetables are gross. Barf. 

I'm only allowed to lose 1-3 pounds a week. If I'm losing more he's concerned something isn't functioning the way it should so we would do labs and see what's going on and make adjustments. Same if I'm not moving anywhere. So I'm optimistic. He's very nice, he made it clear he isn't going to lecture or shame me and said he 100% understands why I haven't lost weight, I'm fighting genetics and a hormonal system that doesn't work. 

Oh! And I learned that just because you take replacement hormones, that doesn't make up for the real thing to the rest of your hormones. My blood looks normal but my organs are functioning as if they have no hormones bossing them around, so things are kind haywire. It's like leaving a bunch of toddlers with no supervision in a kitchen. Basically. 

So we'll see. Best case scenario, this time next year I might look and feel totally different. 

Closer, Progress, and Chuck E. Cheese

I know I said today was going to be a Sara's Favorite Things post but I'm over it. I don't know what my favorite things are anymore. I mean, my bed. Chocolate. Water. Books. There you go.

I wanted to give you a weight loss update, though! So I weighed myself on Friday and I'm down to...

204! I'm pretty excited. I'm so close to being under 200 and I just want to get there already. I've really cut down on junk food and soda, so I'm sure a lot of this is from that. Also, I have almost no appetite. Ever. So I'm trying to stick to the "eat when you're hungry" and that seems to be going OK. Next week though I get my labs done for that weight loss doctor, and apparently an entire pile of paperwork to complete before my actual appointment which is December 13. I'm totally nervous for it, so that's weird.

Last week I posted about my depression making a strong comeback and a few people suggested I find something I can do at home that relieves stress. Which is totally reasonable.

So I decided I would start wrapping Christmas presents.

As you can see, there is no order to my top secret closet and I really wish this was a little wider because to get yourself in here is a nightmare. Needless to say, this just made it worse so even though I got five presents wrapped, I fell in here once and since added a few more boxes. So that was a bust.

But I did leave the house this weekend and went to see my brother, sister in law, and my niece and nephew. My niece was turning five and we were going to her birthday party. Which, I shouldn't have told Penelope and Lucy about until the day we left because they LOVE their cousins and asked me EVERY SINGLE DAY multiple times when we were leaving. Rookie move, mom.

Throwback to Adriana being just a few days old and I got to snuggle her for two hours.  

Her party was at Chuck E. Cheese and Penelope and Lucy went to one of these last year for Adriana's party so they were SO excited to go again. The only game I like to play is Skee-Ball because I'm super good at it, but it was more fun because I ended up on a broken machine that wouldn't stop giving me balls to roll. I got to play like 20 games in a row and spend no tickets. Needless to say, Penelope and Lucy cashed out and bought a ton of candy. Yay.

A big hit was the dance pad. Fortunately, the money I spent in dance classes for Penelope and Lucy is well spent because they went to town on it. 

I completely love that these three are so close in age and get to grow up together. I didn't have cousins growing up, I'm a lot older than all of them, but Olivia and Jackson only have Adriana and Mason as cousins, but they still like to hang out with them. 

Lucy was IN LOVE with Chuck. Penelope mostly was into feeling his hand to see if it's furry. 

Oh, and the edible design on the cake was new for Lucy, who wouldn't turn down food ever, so she kept showing it to us. 

I finally got an updated photo of my brother and I. It's so weird how old we look. I realize we ARE older, but I always think of us as 20somethings.

I mean... this is like 2009 sometime. Ooh.. 10 year challenge! HAHA! I didn't even realize that. But this was when we went to Florida. I don't really remember most of that trip. Huh. Weird.

Anyways. 

We played pretty much every game there was and the kids all had a really good time. I love that picture because neither girl was playing anything but they both thought they were going so fast. HA!

So after the party we went back to their house and I've kind of become crafty Aunt Sara. Every time Adriana comes up here to visit, I've always had a cool craft for the kids to do. I like doing it and sure enough, as soon as we got to their house Adriana asked if I had any things to do. I definitely did. 

I should have taken a picture of the kids with their finished ornaments but I completely forgot. They ended up making three different ornaments which were all cute and killed about an hour. Then I had brought books and I read for a little while to them. 

I didn't get many pictures of Mason this time but I managed to get a quick one of Mason and Jackson!

At bedtime I told the girls I would slumber party with them in the basement last time. So we got everyone set up. 

Little girls on the floor next to each other, 

big kids on the recliners, me on the couch, and Matt on the floor by the outlet for his phone. It didn't last long because Penelope was crabby so she snuggled with Matt. It was kind of sweet because I was up a lot and one of the times I saw Adriana sitting up and Lucy scooting over and Adriana was saying, "You can hold my hand, Lucy." and sure enough- they held hands. It was pretty cute.

Our drive home was long, but totally worth it. I'm glad we got to see them. I think the next get together is probably around Christmas. No plans are in stone yet but I better start looking for some winter crafts so I'm ready!

Weight loss challenge: progress and one goal met!

I honestly wish I had a photo of the time my pants almost pulled all the way down in the middle of Target because Lucy would not stop tugging on them, but I don't.

The significance of that story though is that my pants almost fell off, and that's something that has not happened in like... years. I can't even remember. I've been slumming it in my size 16 and that's the biggest size I've ever wore in my life, so the silver lining is I've never gone beyond that.

Now I am in 14. In most brands. We all know that depending on the brand and the store, you can either be a size 6 or 22, you just don't know. You go in never knowing for sure you just have a general guideline in which to start when trying things on, and that's completely depressing. (I can't remember if I've ever talked about the time that I had a complete sob session in the dressing room of Maurices. It wasn't even that long ago, I don't think. I mean, maybe like 5+ but my sense of time is skewed so don't listen to me, but it was bad.)

I had purchased a pair of jeans and two tops from Torrid online that I forgot about completely because it takes so freaking long for your stuff to come. That's a rant for another day and maybe I'm spoiled by Amazon Prime, but the time it takes to get stuff from places is unbelievable. I am that person that if I am ordering it online it's because I actually need it yesterday. It means I have looked everywhere locally available, can't find it, need it, and I'm resorting to purchasing online. I hate, hate, hate buying clothes online because I really need to try things on. Example: I bought three tops online from Walmart and not one of them fit. Not even close even though I used the measurement table for each top, it isn't close at all. Trying to return things to Walmart that you bought online is ridiculous because it literally can't find my order. Even when I click the link, they can't find it. I can't return it to the store, I have to do it online. I can't do that unless I can see the order and the "start a return" button. Which I can't see at all.

Alas, the whole thing is annoying as hell.

Along with the smaller pants size though, is my weight! On my home scare I had been hovering around 215 lbs. and that's fine. The last three weeks or so, I'm between 207-209, so that's progress. My goal was to lose 5 lbs this year and I actually did it! It's kind of nice to have hit the goal with time left over so I obviously have to maintain that.

I am mostly limiting the quantity of food that I eat, not necessarily what I'm actually eating. I have seen a connection between the Adderrall and not feeling hungry. The days I've taken it I almost feel nauseous when I sit down to eat so I definitely eat much less. I can understand how people who take this stuff every day to function end up being rail thin because it's definitely a side effect. I take it very sparingly because I'm scared to get addicted to something so I try to only take it on days that I'm going to a concert and have the long drive there and back, on days where I'm completely non-functional and I can't nap and have to watch the kids. Most of the time I can just take a nap and if I'm down for 4+ hours, it's not a crisis. I can't say it works amazingly well, and I definitely don't feel anymore awake, but I don't feel like I'm going to collapse and fall asleep right there and then. It's exhaustion I can limp through, basically. (Ironically, I'm typing this as I'm totally tired and ready for a nap but it's like 2:15 p.m. and I can't nap now if I want to cook supper for everyone so now I have to be like a zombie until bed time. Poor planning on my part, for sure.)

All that to say that while the Wellbutrin I'm on has a side effect of appetite suppression, it doesn't work at all, but the Adderrall does. Which I have to mention to my psychiatrist this week when I see him.

Other than that, it's getting colder outside so I don't know how much longer I'll be walking outside. I really need to get myself in the habit of walking in the morning when the girls are both at school but usually I'm so tired (see above) and so I don't do much of anything. Motivation is definitely struggle right now for sure.

Weight Loss Journey: Bring on the professionals!

Admittedly, I didn't do a damn thing last week. I am really struggling with the season change and I always forget how tough the fall is for me until I'm in it. I feel my depression getting worse, my stress level going up, my anxiety going up, and everything on my body hurts. You know that feeling when you feel the flu coming on? You're achy, it's like your insides start to feel warm but you're actually cold, and you get that dull headache?

That's my every day.

It just progressively gets worse and worse until summer. So... that's a long haul. But it's true, I feel like I have the worst flu of my life for nine months of the year so that's really exciting and super fun to work through.

I have kept my diet pretty good and I haven't been overeating, or over snacking. I actually eat much smaller portions at meal time (I'm becoming notorious for eating half a sandwich and people are making fun of me but truly, even a half is just... too much.)

I do need to do more exercise but this week the kids go back to school and I will have about two and half hours of kid free time (not as much as I was hoping for, but I will absolutely take it!) and the plan is to absolutely do some kind of exercise. Whether it's a walk, a BeachBody workout, something.

Since having Lucy and losing huge chunks of memory, the first thing that I do every morning is check my Facebook memories. I know some people roll their eyes and think that's dumb but it's actually been so helpful because I get to see stuff I know I've forgotten. (Which only reminds me that everything I share, good and bad, on Facebook will be helpful for me later. Every time I post a status that worries people- oh well, because I know in a year from now, I'll be able to know where I was at the previous year.)

The other day, this picture showed up.

It blew me away. It's from a trip to Chicago in 2012 with a blogger friend at the time and our families. I don't remember the trip at all, but Olivia and Jackson do and they said we had the best time. But I look at this and think, holy hell- I look amazing. It's weird to think at the time I was running two to five miles every day and I was so unhappy with how I looked. I felt like I had so much further to go.

I'll tell you what- I wish I was that fat now. Honestly.

It also is startling to see me so happy and glowing and know this person would be dead in a few years. It's stuff like that that always freaks me out.

Anyways.

So when I was at my rheumatology appointment last week we're going over my lab work and she tells me my inflammation markers are much higher than they have been even though my methotrexate should be bringing them waaaaaaay down. She's increasing my methotrexate to the max level and I'll need tons of lab work for awhile and if this doesn't work I'll be on injectables and that's a whole other thing I'm upset about but that's another day.

She asks me how I'm doing with exercise and I tell her what I've been doing and how I'm really upset that I'm not losing weight. She is putting in a referral for a doctor locally who is a bariatric doctor that doesn't deal in surgery, but is also a family practice doctor. He essentially looks at ALL of your diagnosed issues, looks at all of your medications, and helps come up with a plan to lose weight.

A requirement for this is to read his book (and yes, this feels weird to me too but whatever- I want to see this doctor:

   

It was only like 76 pages or something so you know I flew through this in a day and there was some interesting information in it and I have a better idea where this doctor is coming from and kind of what to expect when I meet with him. 

So I'm just waiting to hear back and make an appointment. But I'm kind of nervous. The information I got says you meet with him monthly until you hit your goal weight and then every one to three months for maintenance. He sounds really in depth and thorough and I'm really, really hoping this helps. 

Cross your fingers they call this week to set this up! 

Weight Loss Journey: Holding Steady

I haven't done a weigh-in in a few months and that's because I haven't really moved, BUT I started at like 212 and I've been holding steady at 209.

Obviously, I'd like to not be stagnant, but I'm going to take it because at least I'm not going up and I feel pretty OK with where I'm at.

To be honest, I didn't do a DANG THING at all last week and that's because of two things. One, I had done SO much activity the week we were in Missouri, and two, the big kids (all but Lucy) were gone for the entire week to my in-laws so I really didn't have anything to do.

Well, that's not entirely true.

I did clean stuff that was neglected the week we were gone, I did laundry, cleaned the suitcases because even though I unpacked I feel weird being at places so I clean them out, and Lucy and I hung out. Which was incredibly nice and quiet, and I realized this school year is going to be AMAZING because I'm going to be ALONE for like three hours every day.

I can't even wait.

But that three hours cannot be wasted and I want to do something active so I don't slide into my natural slug ways. I said when Fitbit came out that I absolutely wasn't going to jump on the fad but it's a bazillion years later and....

I need to jump on the fad.

Photo illustration credit: TechRadar and Fitbit

So what do you suggest? I've gone over a lot of articles online and I've probably read this one a solid ten, maybe even eleven times, but it's all nonsense to me. My cognitively impaired brain isn't understanding 80% of it and so I need to know what regular people suggest.

Do you have a Fitbit you love? One you hate? Tell me why you love it, and tell me why you hate the other ones.

Ideally, I'd like one that is waterproof (because kids, but also because I forget to take things off when I get into a shower and it's been a problem that I'm not getting into), I don't swim for sport so I don't need it do that. I'd like it to track my steps and my heart rate reliably. I'd like something that can connect to my phone (iPhone) and I'm on the fence about GPS (Like, what's the benefit to seeing your GPS on the thingie versus your phone? Does it even matter?)

Or does Fitbit suck completely and I should go with something even COOLER and BETTER?

HELP ME.

Weight Loss Monday: The heat is killing me.

You guys, I'm not kidding when I tell you the heat might actually kill me. It's been so hot and I'm trying so hard to not complain because I absolutely hate winter with everything in me and it's coming but holy balls.

It's hot, y'all.

I had to switch it up for this week because not only was it hot but some evenings it was absolutely pouring and while I'm game to go walking in moderate rain with my little umbrella, when it's a severe weather alert I'm just not going to do it.

Instead I used my little bike thing at home and went three miles on that. To be honest though I don't know if it's a real three miles because it took me about a half hour and my legs only felt a little wobbly. Whatever- it was something.

Other days I did walk and it was OK. I've really been into podcasts lately and I've listened to this one three times now. It's so good. So  many great lines but one that has been sticking with me, "When you avoid conflict to make peace with other people, you start a war within." And I'll be honest, I had a hard time following Russell Brand because he speaks far beyond my intelligence level but Brene Brown is really good and I'm kind of obsessively watching and listening to everything I can find of hers online during my walks and that's been good.



So other than that, it's OK. I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can. I'm going out at least three times a week but my ultimate goal if five. I think eventually I'll need to make it a seven day a week thing but I'll get there.

How are you doing? Do you have podcasts you really, really enjoy? Share them with me because I'm almost through my list!

Weight Loss Monday: Hard realizations and truths.

I won't even lie, last week sucked. Last week sucked in a lot of ways and had some bright spots too, but for the most part..... it sucked.

Good news is that we had Lucy's speech appointment and she's going to keep getting speech services during the upcoming school year. That appointment was definitely the only highlight of the week for me.

The next day I had my psychiatry appointment, which I had been looking forward to, because it had been 12 weeks since my previous appointment so I felt like this might just be a check in. Maybe just a "increase the dose of Ritalin" appointment because the dose I was on (which was variable, I had a range that I could stay within, depending on my level of exhaustion for the day- so take more if I'm WAY tired and take less if I'm only a little tired).

Instead he explained that you can't just "take more" and it'll work better. I was at the top of the allowed dosage so if it wasn't working, and I felt no change in my level of tired, and I didn't feel any more alert and I didn't have any more energy to do stuff then the next logical step would be to change my medication.

And I knew this. I knew this, and I knew that it might come to this. The next stop on this track is Adderall. Now, do NOT misunderstand me- I understand the need for medication in the treatment of mental illness. I get it, I know it, I'm OK with it. I'm no longer in the "I don't need or want medications" camp because I'm not an idiot, I know that I need these. I am far beyond what nature, exercise, essential oils, chiropractors, yoga, CBD oil, etc can do. I have actual brain damage and I understand that now. I'm OK with it.

But Adderall always scared me. It's always been on the list of medications on my ladder. I have exhausted all of the other options that are in my "OK" list on my GeneSight test. I have done everything right and gone through the side effects and withstood the really horrible days where I wondered why I'm even doing this. But Adderall feels like a failure. Like I'm admitting defeat and I don't know why. I don't know why this one bothers me so much.

Matt picked it up on Thursday and I haven't taken it yet. I will. Probably not this week, if we're being honest.

On Thursday I had to do labs for endocrinology to see what's what. Most of my levels were pretty OK and that's good and normal. A couple of them were a little high.... indicating that I am close to the diabetes fan club and that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I will stave myself if I have to but being diabetic is not going to happen. Also, I have too much chloride and something else which indicates I'm not getting enough oxygen. Common causes are sleep apnea (have that, but I also have a CPAP machine) and obesity. Which.... guilty. He reiterated that I have to lose weight. It will help the diabetes thing and now the breathing thing.

So that's fun, being told that great, you're walking and that's awesome but also DO MORE RIGHT NOW AND TRY HARDER. So I continue walking. The heat is killing me and I am really struggling with fitness in the heat. I'm going to have to increase myself to two miles because obviously one mile isn't doing the job even though I feel like a sweaty mess after it. I'm going to have to try doing home work outs too. Maybe I can do something in the morning and walk after dinner. I don't know. I'm stressed out and over it all.

Walking Queen... young and sweet... only 37....

So... that didn't flow as well as the original but close enough. I don't know where you live but where I live (the very tip of Lake Superior) it was hot as balls all week. But you know what I did? 

 I walked like 5 times. I didn't take pictures every time because I forgot but! I took a picture of me on Monday holding my umbrella because it was sprinkling and looked like it  might downpour but I brought an umbrella because I am only kind of a wussy. I didn't end up needing it because it was still like 82 and I was so warm so the rain actually felt pretty alright. Tuesday was an OK day to walk. Wednesday it was even warmer so as soon as I got home I had to shower because not only was I sweaty and gross, but I couldn't cool down fast enough. Which, I'm finding I'm having a harder and harder time doing so that's inconvenient. Thursday I walked in the morning and promptly came home and ate two Bomb Pops for breakfast because I am a champion. Friday I ended up skipping my neighborhood walk and instead walked around Walmart for an hour with Olivia trying to find a birthday gift for her friend. I put in easily more than a mile and left there irritated to boot because she is the worst shopper. Never has any ideas, never knows what people like, it's just the worst. Saturday I walked around Glensheen Mansion and I was actually pretty tired when I was done so I think in all I did maybe a mile and a half? 

Sunday was rest day because I'm not a masochist. 

This week is going to be kind of stressful and a lot busy. 

Monday I have therapy (THANK GOD) and Lucy has speech where we go over her latest assessment. Tuesday we meet with the school district for an IEP/see-if-you're-bad-enough-to-qualify-for-services meeting. It's pretty bad that I hope Lucy scores low enough to be able to receive services as school. So... cross your fingers. Wednesday I see my psychiatrist to talk about my medications and I like that doctor so that will be fun. Lucy has speech again on Friday and then on Sunday we go to the parenting hell hole also known as Day Out with Thomas the Train! 

Matt is super thrilled. He remembers when we took Olivia and Jackson way back in 2011. 

I actually had to find it in a scrapbook because I didn't remember it and apparently it was hot, it was loud, people were rude, and we got suckered into buying two hats that cost me almost $60. 

So. Should be a good weekend. Ha!

Also, if you're on Instagram, you should come and enter my giveaway. It ends August 1 and I'm probably going to mention it every day until then to be annoying. 

Enter the super cute giveaway HERE!! 

Are you walking? Running? Squats? Eating ice cream on the couch for two meals a day? 

Sara.... walks...

If you didn't sing that like Kanye West's Jesus Walks, I wonder how we've become friends. Honestly.

I don't know where you live but where I live (northern Wisconsin) it's been pretty dang hot outside. If you remember from last week, I'm pretty sure the sun is trying to kill me.

via MEME

It was like that all week so it was crappy for being outside. But you know who walked three times last week in the blazing sun and almost died?

Your girl, boo. 

I also wasn't followed by the neighborhood creeper either, so that was exciting. 

I would have gotten more in but on Tuesday I drove almost 4 hours away for a concert with Jackson (more on that... Wednesday or Thursday) and spent the night. But I think I walked about a half a mile from where we parked to the place and then another half mile back because I couldn't remember how to get back to the car and it's a really good thing my 11 year old son did. 

I didn't do anything Friday or Saturday because you know when you just need to relax and do nothing at home? 

I didn't do that. 

Instead I grocery shopped on Friday (I'm not kidding, I probably walked 1.5 miles in Aldi because that store has the dumbest layout ever) (and I'm angry because ALL of my produce? Looked GREAT on Friday, all rotting on Saturday, I'm so, so angry and it reinforces that Aldi's low prices aren't worth it). Sigh. On Saturday I took three of the kids and Matt to Target to get school supplies. I know, it's July and we have time, what is wrong with me? 

I'll tell you- I hate crowds. I'm not going to battle Susan over specific colored folders or wait for Karen to just pick a god damn pack of pencils because they are JUST PENCILS and your kid is going to lose them anyways. 

Sigh. 

So I go now and I got all 3 of the kids who need supplies done for under $60. Not including the calculator that Olivia needs which was not in stock anywhere so you can guarantee I will buy that online because I am not going to go back to Target or Walmart until I absolutely have to. 

Which is hopefully mid-September. 

So maybe I did do something after all. 

On Sunday it was significantly cooler and felt like it was going to rain all day but was still 75ish, so I took the girls for a walk in the afternoon. I thought I was going to die by the time we came home so I found this 2 foot by 2 foot patch of shade in my front yard and sat in it. My shade moves as the day goes on so I have to keep moving my chair. But I read while the kids played in the pool. 

The plan for this week is to walk as much as possible. It's kind of becoming a relaxing thing for me so that's been nice. This week is also kind of stressful. 

• Gastro follow up after my endoscopy and colonoscopy
• Lucy has speech on Monday which is also a pre-evaluation evaluation from the school district to see if she qualifies for help, and I'm sure she will
• Jackson starts therapy- I'm a nervous wreck
• Lucy has surgery on Wednesday, I'm a nervous wreck
• Lucy has speech on Friday which may or may not happen depending on how she feels post surgery
• BUT! I get to hang out with Amy on Saturday and we're touring a museum and see some fancy gowns. 

This is when all of the summer stuff starts happening and it's like a down hill slide into fall now. I keep telling myself that I am going to buy season appropriate gear that fits so I can keep walking outside because it is infinitely better than being inside on a treadmill. Ugh. 

Got anxiety? Avoid Valleyfair. And take double up on meds. Oh, and I hit rock bottom.

I've kind of gone on this weird, super-mom/let's make memories/YOLO kick, and I kind of think Matt is fully over it and the kids are kind of have a love/hate with it. Olivia is all about it, Jackson would rather be napping or playing BitLife on his phone, Penelope can't be bothered, and Lucy is game for anything. 

And then there is Matt who is always mildly annoyed and completely done before we even get there. 

Overall it is always a fun family outing. *sarcasm*

In June though I was just on the Valleyfair website checking out prices and I saw that they had a sale for $29.99 a ticket through the end of June (which I see is still available on Sundays so I am disappointed I didn't get some awesome deal) and when you are buying six tickets you'll take any kind of discount. I decided we were going to go, we'd go on a Sunday so it was free parking, and it would be SO MUCH FAMILY FUN. 

It turns out I could have gone to Disney World, had way more fun and did more stuff, than it cost to do Valleyfair. Also, Matt got us lost and we got there later than I had planned and it was all very stressful. 

When we eventually got there we got through quickly because I pre-paid for our tickets, parking wasn't bad at all, and we took the kid photo. Ideally, everyone would have beaming, happy faces as they embark on an amusement park. You'll see we missed that mark. 

The plan was to go to the Family Care Center and get everyone measured and get their wristbands so they didn't have to do that at every ride, that actually turned out to be really handy and I highly suggest you do that especially if you have more than one kid. 

We saw some rain clouds, and I knew the forecast was iffy on our drive down but the tickets weren't refundable or transferable, which is kind of a crappy policy, but it is what it is. The big kids take off, we make plans for check ins so I could keep tabs, and Matt and I would hang with the littles.  

First stop was the carousel and they've been on one and call it "riding the ponies" so we knew we'd be doing this a few times during the day.  

It was Penelope's favorite thing and if she was allowed to sit there all day she absolutely would have. 

It started to sprinkle and we were going to tough it out. We got on some little train thing and as soon as we started rolling, the rain started to pour. I'm not talking, "Oh hey- better get an umbrella!", but a "Holy shit, get to a building!" kind of rain. By the time we get off the train, we're soaked. We take the littles and run to this indoor play area. I read on a family travel blog that this is a cool play area to "take a break from the sun" and it was a "huge play ball area". Obviously other read about this too because this place was packed. It also was not huge at all. It was very small, very crowded, very loud, balls shooting and flying everywhere, it was so muggy and hot in there, and then you have parents screaming at their children from one end to the other. 

Come on, you have to know THEY CANNOT HEAR YOU, walk the hell over there already. 

There was no other place to go except for maybe a bathroom, but I wasn't about to sit in there for gods knows how long. I had some anxiety putty in my purse and I kneaded the hell out of it, did breathing exercises and decided when it was a light sprinkle we were going. I didn't even care. 

By then, everyone was hungry. 

Guess what Valleyfair doesn't have? Indoor restaurants! 

Every food option means you're eating outside and if you're lucky you can grab a table with an umbrella or under this small area with a roof. I didn't see any others, but we found one and sat there. It smelled like rotting garbage but it was (relatively) dry.  

We get pizza and souvenir cups because you get free refills that day and thank god because we must have filled them up 15 times. Easily. Matt wasn't happy with how much it cost and I get it, but I'm a go-with-the-flow person and he isn't. He gets annoyed or angry and he stays that way. For the rest of the time. 

After lunch we decided to go to Soak City and swim. I purchased a cabana online because when I looked at weather two days before the city was under an "extreme heat advisory" and I knew I would never make it in blazing sun and heat for long and I was willing to pay for shade. 

Pay, I did. 

It says "starting at $69" for a cabana online. I didn't find any cabana anywhere for less than $150. Not one. So that's what we paid. 

Gulp. 

I will say that the cabana would be an AMAZING idea if you were going to be there for a long time and had a few people. It comes with a fridge, two chaise lounges, SHADE, a fan, a TV, they bring you water and chips (even though it said popcorn and they brought me generic grocery store chips... lame) and there is a little patio table and chairs for you. It is 100% worth it because sometimes you need shade, or a kid gets pooped out and wants to lay down, this was a cool thing. You can also pick where your cabana is and we picked near the kid play area which was smart because Penelope and Lucy never left that area.  

It wasn't even that warm out, maybe high 70s, so the water was absolutely freezing. I had my suit on but never went in any water and took my suit off as soon as I could.  

Olivia and Jackson took off for water slides and I hung out here with Penelope and Lucy. Matt was wandering around mostly so I'm not sure what he was doing.  

Lucy absolutely loved having water sprinkled on her.  

So did Penelope but she liked spraying other people more, which came as no surprise. 

We didn't end up being in the water area for very long because we were hoping to go on more rides since we couldn't earlier because of the rain. So we got dressed and started walking.  

 If only. 

 We soon discovered there wasn't much for Lucy to ride on so we decided to lie and tell Penelope there weren't any other rides for her because Lucy would have had a fit if she couldn't go on something. Not the hill I was dying on that day. 

 I was really surprised they went on this train because this went on a track and they couldn't see us while on the train and I thought for sure Lucy would freak out, but they did really well. Definitely didn't want to do it again, but they also didn't try to climb out. 

 Penelope spotted the ferris wheel and she had been on a smaller one before when we went to the Wisconsin Dells and stayed at Kalahari, but Lucy was just a baby so she had no idea what was going on. As it turns out she was all about safety and wanted the lady to MAKE SURE her buckle was secure. 

Oh, and you know when people go on a "weight loss journey" and they have that one photo they use as their "before" picture as inspiration to get on the treadmill? 

I officially have mine, guys! 

I always say I have reverse of body dysmorphia because when I look in the mirror, I swear that isn't what I see. Overweight? Sure. I know this and I know I have weird fat pockets and it's 100% from my corticosteroids and it's completely not from my diet. I'm exercising every day and still. Still no progress and I look like this. Needless to say I am completely dreading our trip to Missouri in a few weeks and being in photos. I'll still be in a few but I hate this. 

To say this photo has had an impact on me is an understatement. 

Anyways. The day was long, the day was hot and rainy, the day wasn't at all what I had hoped it would be. Everyone was in a bad mood when we left and the big kids were upset that Matt was grumpy the entire time and basically ruined it for them. It was just really stressful. I'm glad we went because it was a fun day out of the house and we crossed something off our summer bucket list, I just wish it was a more fun day. 

BUT! 

The good news is that I was only a little sick the next two days instead of throwing up and feeling like death was really here for me. Super happy I remembered to bring my hat, I drank and obscene amount of water, I stayed in shade as much as I could and I used almost an entire bottle of sunscreen on myself. It also was a good trial run traveling with Penelope and Lucy at this age. They handled no naps fairly well until dinner time so I was hopefully the things we have planned for Missouri might actually happen. Crossing fingers.