Weight Loss Journey: Holding Steady

I haven't done a weigh-in in a few months and that's because I haven't really moved, BUT I started at like 212 and I've been holding steady at 209.

Obviously, I'd like to not be stagnant, but I'm going to take it because at least I'm not going up and I feel pretty OK with where I'm at.

To be honest, I didn't do a DANG THING at all last week and that's because of two things. One, I had done SO much activity the week we were in Missouri, and two, the big kids (all but Lucy) were gone for the entire week to my in-laws so I really didn't have anything to do.

Well, that's not entirely true.

I did clean stuff that was neglected the week we were gone, I did laundry, cleaned the suitcases because even though I unpacked I feel weird being at places so I clean them out, and Lucy and I hung out. Which was incredibly nice and quiet, and I realized this school year is going to be AMAZING because I'm going to be ALONE for like three hours every day.

I can't even wait.

But that three hours cannot be wasted and I want to do something active so I don't slide into my natural slug ways. I said when Fitbit came out that I absolutely wasn't going to jump on the fad but it's a bazillion years later and....

I need to jump on the fad.

Photo illustration credit: TechRadar and Fitbit

So what do you suggest? I've gone over a lot of articles online and I've probably read this one a solid ten, maybe even eleven times, but it's all nonsense to me. My cognitively impaired brain isn't understanding 80% of it and so I need to know what regular people suggest.

Do you have a Fitbit you love? One you hate? Tell me why you love it, and tell me why you hate the other ones.

Ideally, I'd like one that is waterproof (because kids, but also because I forget to take things off when I get into a shower and it's been a problem that I'm not getting into), I don't swim for sport so I don't need it do that. I'd like it to track my steps and my heart rate reliably. I'd like something that can connect to my phone (iPhone) and I'm on the fence about GPS (Like, what's the benefit to seeing your GPS on the thingie versus your phone? Does it even matter?)

Or does Fitbit suck completely and I should go with something even COOLER and BETTER?

HELP ME.

Weight Loss Monday: Hard realizations and truths.

I won't even lie, last week sucked. Last week sucked in a lot of ways and had some bright spots too, but for the most part..... it sucked.

Good news is that we had Lucy's speech appointment and she's going to keep getting speech services during the upcoming school year. That appointment was definitely the only highlight of the week for me.

The next day I had my psychiatry appointment, which I had been looking forward to, because it had been 12 weeks since my previous appointment so I felt like this might just be a check in. Maybe just a "increase the dose of Ritalin" appointment because the dose I was on (which was variable, I had a range that I could stay within, depending on my level of exhaustion for the day- so take more if I'm WAY tired and take less if I'm only a little tired).

Instead he explained that you can't just "take more" and it'll work better. I was at the top of the allowed dosage so if it wasn't working, and I felt no change in my level of tired, and I didn't feel any more alert and I didn't have any more energy to do stuff then the next logical step would be to change my medication.

And I knew this. I knew this, and I knew that it might come to this. The next stop on this track is Adderall. Now, do NOT misunderstand me- I understand the need for medication in the treatment of mental illness. I get it, I know it, I'm OK with it. I'm no longer in the "I don't need or want medications" camp because I'm not an idiot, I know that I need these. I am far beyond what nature, exercise, essential oils, chiropractors, yoga, CBD oil, etc can do. I have actual brain damage and I understand that now. I'm OK with it.

But Adderall always scared me. It's always been on the list of medications on my ladder. I have exhausted all of the other options that are in my "OK" list on my GeneSight test. I have done everything right and gone through the side effects and withstood the really horrible days where I wondered why I'm even doing this. But Adderall feels like a failure. Like I'm admitting defeat and I don't know why. I don't know why this one bothers me so much.

Matt picked it up on Thursday and I haven't taken it yet. I will. Probably not this week, if we're being honest.

On Thursday I had to do labs for endocrinology to see what's what. Most of my levels were pretty OK and that's good and normal. A couple of them were a little high.... indicating that I am close to the diabetes fan club and that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I will stave myself if I have to but being diabetic is not going to happen. Also, I have too much chloride and something else which indicates I'm not getting enough oxygen. Common causes are sleep apnea (have that, but I also have a CPAP machine) and obesity. Which.... guilty. He reiterated that I have to lose weight. It will help the diabetes thing and now the breathing thing.

So that's fun, being told that great, you're walking and that's awesome but also DO MORE RIGHT NOW AND TRY HARDER. So I continue walking. The heat is killing me and I am really struggling with fitness in the heat. I'm going to have to increase myself to two miles because obviously one mile isn't doing the job even though I feel like a sweaty mess after it. I'm going to have to try doing home work outs too. Maybe I can do something in the morning and walk after dinner. I don't know. I'm stressed out and over it all.

Walking Queen... young and sweet... only 37....

So... that didn't flow as well as the original but close enough. I don't know where you live but where I live (the very tip of Lake Superior) it was hot as balls all week. But you know what I did? 

 I walked like 5 times. I didn't take pictures every time because I forgot but! I took a picture of me on Monday holding my umbrella because it was sprinkling and looked like it  might downpour but I brought an umbrella because I am only kind of a wussy. I didn't end up needing it because it was still like 82 and I was so warm so the rain actually felt pretty alright. Tuesday was an OK day to walk. Wednesday it was even warmer so as soon as I got home I had to shower because not only was I sweaty and gross, but I couldn't cool down fast enough. Which, I'm finding I'm having a harder and harder time doing so that's inconvenient. Thursday I walked in the morning and promptly came home and ate two Bomb Pops for breakfast because I am a champion. Friday I ended up skipping my neighborhood walk and instead walked around Walmart for an hour with Olivia trying to find a birthday gift for her friend. I put in easily more than a mile and left there irritated to boot because she is the worst shopper. Never has any ideas, never knows what people like, it's just the worst. Saturday I walked around Glensheen Mansion and I was actually pretty tired when I was done so I think in all I did maybe a mile and a half? 

Sunday was rest day because I'm not a masochist. 

This week is going to be kind of stressful and a lot busy. 

Monday I have therapy (THANK GOD) and Lucy has speech where we go over her latest assessment. Tuesday we meet with the school district for an IEP/see-if-you're-bad-enough-to-qualify-for-services meeting. It's pretty bad that I hope Lucy scores low enough to be able to receive services as school. So... cross your fingers. Wednesday I see my psychiatrist to talk about my medications and I like that doctor so that will be fun. Lucy has speech again on Friday and then on Sunday we go to the parenting hell hole also known as Day Out with Thomas the Train! 

Matt is super thrilled. He remembers when we took Olivia and Jackson way back in 2011. 

I actually had to find it in a scrapbook because I didn't remember it and apparently it was hot, it was loud, people were rude, and we got suckered into buying two hats that cost me almost $60. 

So. Should be a good weekend. Ha!

Also, if you're on Instagram, you should come and enter my giveaway. It ends August 1 and I'm probably going to mention it every day until then to be annoying. 

Enter the super cute giveaway HERE!! 

Are you walking? Running? Squats? Eating ice cream on the couch for two meals a day? 

Sara.... walks...

If you didn't sing that like Kanye West's Jesus Walks, I wonder how we've become friends. Honestly.

I don't know where you live but where I live (northern Wisconsin) it's been pretty dang hot outside. If you remember from last week, I'm pretty sure the sun is trying to kill me.

via MEME

It was like that all week so it was crappy for being outside. But you know who walked three times last week in the blazing sun and almost died?

Your girl, boo. 

I also wasn't followed by the neighborhood creeper either, so that was exciting. 

I would have gotten more in but on Tuesday I drove almost 4 hours away for a concert with Jackson (more on that... Wednesday or Thursday) and spent the night. But I think I walked about a half a mile from where we parked to the place and then another half mile back because I couldn't remember how to get back to the car and it's a really good thing my 11 year old son did. 

I didn't do anything Friday or Saturday because you know when you just need to relax and do nothing at home? 

I didn't do that. 

Instead I grocery shopped on Friday (I'm not kidding, I probably walked 1.5 miles in Aldi because that store has the dumbest layout ever) (and I'm angry because ALL of my produce? Looked GREAT on Friday, all rotting on Saturday, I'm so, so angry and it reinforces that Aldi's low prices aren't worth it). Sigh. On Saturday I took three of the kids and Matt to Target to get school supplies. I know, it's July and we have time, what is wrong with me? 

I'll tell you- I hate crowds. I'm not going to battle Susan over specific colored folders or wait for Karen to just pick a god damn pack of pencils because they are JUST PENCILS and your kid is going to lose them anyways. 

Sigh. 

So I go now and I got all 3 of the kids who need supplies done for under $60. Not including the calculator that Olivia needs which was not in stock anywhere so you can guarantee I will buy that online because I am not going to go back to Target or Walmart until I absolutely have to. 

Which is hopefully mid-September. 

So maybe I did do something after all. 

On Sunday it was significantly cooler and felt like it was going to rain all day but was still 75ish, so I took the girls for a walk in the afternoon. I thought I was going to die by the time we came home so I found this 2 foot by 2 foot patch of shade in my front yard and sat in it. My shade moves as the day goes on so I have to keep moving my chair. But I read while the kids played in the pool. 

The plan for this week is to walk as much as possible. It's kind of becoming a relaxing thing for me so that's been nice. This week is also kind of stressful. 

• Gastro follow up after my endoscopy and colonoscopy
• Lucy has speech on Monday which is also a pre-evaluation evaluation from the school district to see if she qualifies for help, and I'm sure she will
• Jackson starts therapy- I'm a nervous wreck
• Lucy has surgery on Wednesday, I'm a nervous wreck
• Lucy has speech on Friday which may or may not happen depending on how she feels post surgery
• BUT! I get to hang out with Amy on Saturday and we're touring a museum and see some fancy gowns. 

This is when all of the summer stuff starts happening and it's like a down hill slide into fall now. I keep telling myself that I am going to buy season appropriate gear that fits so I can keep walking outside because it is infinitely better than being inside on a treadmill. Ugh. 

We ran for our harvest! Just kidding, we walked. But we didn't DIE.

Remember a few months ago and I told you I was training for my first 5K since my AFE? Well I did really well that first month. I did alright the second month. I did absolutely nothing my third (and most crucial) month. I mean, I did NOTHING. No walking, no jogging, no exercise at all. I did nothing. 

Then I realized the 5K was THAT WEEKEND and I was (rightfully) a little bit worried. 

I mean, I was fairly confident I would finish. I have never, ever been picked up during a race and I was not about to start that tradition now. My fear was the condition in which I would cross that finish line. 

Thankfully, I had my friend Amy with me, and THANK GOD, because had I been alone.... that would have been a sad state of affairs. I know I would have cried. Alone, like a loser. I am pretty sure Amy was trying to keep me talking the whole way so I wouldn't be thinking of the fact we were dead last for most of the race. (Which thank god- because Amy is the best and I am so, SO glad she agreed to do this with me!!!) 

Morning of the race was actually pretty gorgeous out. It was chilly, like mid-30s, but it wasn't awful. If you kept moving it wasn't really that bad, but I am really glad I brought my mittens because I ended up wearing those the entire time. 

Duluth, you're so pretty. 

And you know it. 

The cool thing about this race is that it is almost totally along the shore of Lake Superior but in order to get to the start line, you ride the North Shore Scenic Railroad. It drops you off and you start walking. 

It was kind of cute because as we were pulling up to the starting line, this older couple were standing there waving and suddenly the guy starts running alongside the train!! It was a fun start to the morning for sure. 

This was us, pre-race. We ended up not talking one after the race but I kind of forgot which was probably for the best. Ha! 

Hilariously, once we got off the train we were walking at a pretty decent clip, feeling motivated and like we've got this. 

We got what would be a few city blocks down only to realize we hadn't even crossed the start line yet. 

That was kind of a morale killer. 

So once we got started for real, I felt like we were pulling a pretty good clip. I thought that surely we had some folks behind us and that would be fine. There was a guy, who I think had some disabilities of some kind because he had a guy with him who was motivating him. Telling him to go faster so he'd run a little while and this guy was just walking. Anyways, Amy realized this guy was using us as a pacer. Every time we caught up, he would have this guy run and so he'd take off. After awhile it got a little frustrating because that puts us dead last and by mile two I was starting to feel my morals take a dive and I decide that if we are pulling up to the finish and I see this guy, I'm willing to sprint and push people out of the way. I'm not coming in last. NOT TODAY, SATAN. 

Also by mile two I feel like my cortisol levels are taking a total nose dive and you know those old Energizer Bunny commercials where he starts to slow down and eventually stops? That is exactly what I feel like- it's like I can actually feel my ability to function slow down and then I just can't. I know I hung onto Amy at least once and I'm like- please god just let me finish this because I had enough people telling me this was stupid, I shouldn't be doing this race, I'm going to be sick, etc. Doctors and people who know me had been telling me variations of that for weeks. 

And justifiably so because I really hadn't done anything to show them that I think I actually can do this. 

But by about 2.5 miles in we pass the guy and his coach and I'm like.... if I can just keep this pace... I'll be OK. Granted, this pace is ridiculously slow. By the time I could see the finish line, I actually thought I was going to collapse. 

But we finished. 

I got excited knowing that guy was behind us so we didn't finish last. 

BUT. 

According to the website, her and I came in last for walkers. That guy must have registered as a runner. 

Obviously, that is my worst time for a 5K, for running or walking. 

BUT! 

I am trying really hard not to thinking about how far I've gone down in fitness but focusing on the fact I finished a 5K when everyone said I couldn't. I actually FINISHED. 

In the aftermath, I can't say that I've done a whole lot of fitness stuff, but I can say I'm honestly thinking about it more. I'm pumping myself up. I remember doing this before and that led me to losing a lot of weight, running 5K's regularly, and exercising a lot. So in my time of mentally preparing myself, I've been following Running Fat Chef online through her blog, Facebook, and Instagram and just really listening to what she's saying. It also made me reminisce about the time when I was really hard core about fitness and I did a Weightloss Challenge. Do any of you guys remember that? I only vaguely did but I know going back to watch all of my old vlogs was kind of hilarious, kind of made me cry because I miss that Sara a whole lot, but also made me feel like maybe I can do this again. 

So let's do this again. 

Go back and see my first vlog and we're going to kick this off. 

PS) You guys, it's taken all this time but I finally understand the accent you all say I have. I feel shame. I hate that I have an accent. GAH!!