Workout Wednesday: It's back, lambs.

I have to be honest with you and myself- I am fat. I'm not Mama June fat but if I don't take the reigns soon I'll be there before we know it.

I haven't felt great about myself in awhile but I let it go because I was pregnant with Penelope. And then I got pregnant with Lucy and then I pretty much bounced back from death. I'm still wading my way through those waters, and I'm not doing a great job, but I'm hoping if I did something to get myself back to a better place maybe other things will fall into place. At this point, I'm desperate enough in my depression that not only would I win myself an award for being a great actress but I really need to try something before I lose it all.

So here we are. The brutal truth is that I currently weigh more than I ever have. My highest was 208, and that was the day I gave birth to Lucy. When I went for my follow up appointment after her, about 18 days after I had her, I was 182.

Today?

Well today I'm 221.

And when I went for my MRI, not only did I cry while changing into the formless gown, but I ripped the unisex, one size fits all pants. I actually ripped them, you guys.

I can't remember when I have ever felt so low in my life.

So we meet again, Fuckmill. I moved you out of my house for a few years, content at size 12 knowing full well that's a damn good spot for me to be in. But you're back now and then I let you get dusty. But we're going to be friends again whether I like it or not.

And let me be clear, I'm not happy. I want to be skinny. I want to be that mom who bounces back to great shape after having a baby and then they jog around the neighborhood bitching about needing to lose weight. I really want to punch those people. The only upside is that I'm pretty sure I could do it and claim insanity and avoid jail.  I'm fairly certain my weight gain is a combination of my medicine and lack of exercise. Just once I'd like to be prescribed something that makes you lose weight, is that so much to ask?

A large hurdle I'm already facing is just my health. I want to be active but after starting any kind of exercise, I get light-headed, dizzy, and my hips hurt so bad. Then my back hurts, shooting pains down both legs, and a fun bonus? A headache! It's all very exciting. I'm going to ease into t hings and see if that gets better.

No weight loss start up is complete without a "before" photo. I really hope that in a few months I'll see a difference. I'd like to not look pregnant. I feel so self conscious already. It's going to get better. It has to, right?