Workout Wednesday: working through anger

I'm on this kick to do better this year and hopefully get fit, or at lease less obese, and it's hard. I feel like I have a lot of obstacles to get around and I get easily frustrated because I know what I used to be able to do and frankly? I'm pissed off and angry that I am here. Again. I'm so sick of being reminded how much I have changed since my AFE. It's tiring. 

I also have to be honest and tell you that while I did work out this week, I only did it when I was angry. And not just angry at my situation, but angry at my children. My husband. My life. The sounds of their laughter get on my nerves and I want to throw something. My husband telling me about his hard day at works makes me want to punch a wall. Then someone starts crying and I feel like I'm going to hurt someone. 

It scares the absolute hell out of me. 

So I'm trying to separate myself from the situation as much as I can and I have been going to my basement to walk on my treadmill. On this particular day, it was really bad. It was a level 11 of anger and it took me a solid 20 minutes to calm down enough to feel like I could rejoin everyone else upstairs. I missed dinner. I missed hearing about their days. I missed the time of day we all sit as a family and talk about what is happening. My chair sat empty as an obvious reminder that I am not the same mom I was. I am not a great mom right now. I'm trying but I feel like I'm failing in all areas. 

So, peri menopause is a thing maybe?

Before I even start this, I will just say up front I absolutely have an appointment with the OB/GYN because enough people have scared me over the last five days. So calm down.

So anyways.

I haven't been on birth control in oh.... three years since I have high blood pressure nobody wants to do anything about and I'll probably have a heart attack soon. So I know it's not that screwing me up. But since not being on that my periods have been really light, maybe only three days tops. I didn't complain because hello- that's amazing and I have almost no menstrual symptoms and I just figured this is just the perk of having kids and my body saying maybe I've suffered enough.

Then cue it to the last six months. I'll get my period for a day or two, it goes away for five days or so, starts up with a fucking vengeance and I feel like I'm being stabbed all day. Last month I felt like I was legitimately having some kind of bizarre ovary attack where it was revolting against itself.

Then it's gone for two weeks.

Then comes back.

It's some kind of special bullshit is what it is. It's really over the top.

So naturally, I went onto WebMd and listed all of my symptoms. My list of possible things wrong with me are:

Endometrial Cancer
Anorexia (I ate 3 Twinkies and 4 slices of pizza and a taco salad today. I have crossed this one off.)
Cervical Cancer
Cervicitis
Foreign Object in Vagina (both ben wa balls are accounted for, I've crossed this one off.)
Kidney Infection
Tuberculosis (I'm just crossing this off because it doesn't seem right.)
Uternine Cancer
Kidney Cancer
Perimenopause

Now, the odds clearly say cancer might be a for real thing. BUT, I'm leaning towards perimenopause. This winter poor Matt complained we might die of hypothermia because I have been sleeping with the fan on all night and sometimes the window open even when it was 50 degrees below zero because I literally thought I was going to melt away. Also not awesome is the last two weeks? Can't sleep for anything. I feel like I'm exhausted but nothing happens. I'm not even tired during the day, I feel like I can fully function on a lot less sleep than usual, which is really odd.

The only alarming thing is that I'm only 32. I mean, statistically it's completely possible for this to be a plausible thing. But holy hell. I feel really young to be having to deal with this. Granted, maybe not having periods anymore is something kind of awesome to look forward to but I thought for sure I had another decade before worrying about this. Dang.

There really needs to be a "What to Expect: Aging" book for women. Maybe that will be my book. I'll document this all and then I'll get famous and talk about vagina dryness, mood swings and hot flashes. According to the list on WebMD, these things are coming. *shudder*