Workout Wednesday: So maybe my lungs AREN'T so hot.

I can't remember when I talked about maybe needing an inhaler because I didn't do so hot with my pulmonary function test. As it turns out there is something to that. I tried to do a walk/run on my treadmill after a particularly stressful afternoon and I could not stop coughing afterwards. Not just that but the cough felt wet, like I had fluid in my lungs. 

I can only assume that's not normal. 

So back to doing minimal working out until I can figure out how to deal with that. I've been trying to do the Beachbody YouV2 program and man... that guy is so annoying. Ugh. 

 On this particular day I finished day one but I could only do it by muting him and playing my own playlist. Infinitely better. 

I continue with my recumbent bike and as you can see I do it among the chaos of toys. Sometimes I read while I'm doing it and that helps make the time pass without me counting down the time miserably. Sometimes I'll text someone or peruse Facebook and Instagram and catch up on what my friends with lives are doing. I really can't wait until spring and I can walk outside. 

We filled out an application for a scholarship for a YMCA membership and I'm kind of scared but I think it would be good for me. It would give  me an excuse to leave the house, and I know enough people who take classes that I could buddy up and not be alone should I pass out or something crazy. 

Workout Wednesday: Stella needs to find some groove

I'm doing such a horrible job working out, I'm almost ashamed I'm even talking about it. I think there are only two things keeping me motivated to try, this blog and what I have planned in April.

First up, you guys are HARSH but in a good way and I need to be called out on my crap when I suck. And right now? I suck. I know it, you know it, we all know it. I will tell you that this week I've done my recumbent bike a few times for at least a mile each time and I've done my treadmill twice. Fun fact, tomorrow I'll talk about my visit to the pulmonary place for testing, but guess what? You guys- my wheezing is a thing. It's not just me being fat, there's something not super with my lungs. So last night I ran on my treadmill for a song and then walked for another 10 minutes and swear on your life, my lungs were on FIRE. I had a wet cough, wheezing, my chest felt like it had been hit by a semi, the whole bit for almost an hour afterwards. I did the doctor online thing and they recorded this in my file (in case I forget by the time I get to my appointment which is 100% likely) and told me not to do that again until I see them. So I'll stick to my bike for a bit and hope for the best.

But you guys, it's practically February and I have this thing in April. I need to lose like 60 pounds by then, ideally.

Ha!

On Black Friday I decided on a complete whim, after being complemented on my eyes online by a lovely women's group, to sign up for a boudoir photo shoot. I almost did one years ago but couldn't because Matt's grandma was having a birthday party the same day and that was more important considering it was her last one, literally. But I wish I was as fat now as I was then because shit, bitch- I was THIN compared to now. This time I am going into it 100% terrified knowing full well my body is not in any way sexy. I'm reading a book right now where the character is in the process of losing weight but still sees herself as massive and everyone around her assures her she's hot, she just doesn't see it. I hope that's the case here but man... I don't feel it. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just glad that I didn't do March or February, I still have some chance to tone something up. These photographers are amazing though and everything I've seen has been incredible and beautiful so I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm giving them (hopefully) to Matt as an anniversary present but it's a surprise!! Don't tell him. I might be more nervous to give them to him because in a previous conversation, AFTER I booked this, he mentioned how he thinks this kind of thing is dumb so that's great. Hopefully they'll be so great it'll change his mind.

I just really wish it were summer, or at least warmer, so I could get outside for walks. I might actually take up mall walking because I feel like I could find a friend to do that with me at least. Matt went down to a local agency to see if we qualify for a reduced cost YMCA membership because no way could I afford a full priced one, but I know I have friends who go there and I do better with a buddy. I need someone to do things with me, preferably someone in just as rough of shape as me. Ha! That way we can trip over equipment and feel like we are going to die together!

What are you doing? Are you doing anything to stay in shape in 2018? Have you ever done a boudoir photo session?

Workout Wednesday: working through anger

I'm on this kick to do better this year and hopefully get fit, or at lease less obese, and it's hard. I feel like I have a lot of obstacles to get around and I get easily frustrated because I know what I used to be able to do and frankly? I'm pissed off and angry that I am here. Again. I'm so sick of being reminded how much I have changed since my AFE. It's tiring. 

I also have to be honest and tell you that while I did work out this week, I only did it when I was angry. And not just angry at my situation, but angry at my children. My husband. My life. The sounds of their laughter get on my nerves and I want to throw something. My husband telling me about his hard day at works makes me want to punch a wall. Then someone starts crying and I feel like I'm going to hurt someone. 

It scares the absolute hell out of me. 

So I'm trying to separate myself from the situation as much as I can and I have been going to my basement to walk on my treadmill. On this particular day, it was really bad. It was a level 11 of anger and it took me a solid 20 minutes to calm down enough to feel like I could rejoin everyone else upstairs. I missed dinner. I missed hearing about their days. I missed the time of day we all sit as a family and talk about what is happening. My chair sat empty as an obvious reminder that I am not the same mom I was. I am not a great mom right now. I'm trying but I feel like I'm failing in all areas. 

Maybe not a beach body but better than current?

If you are a long time reader of the blog you know that I have struggled on and off with my weight all my life. You might even remember me doing my walk/run thing on the fuckmill (treadmill) and successfully completing a bunch of 5k's. I was never fast, or skinny, but I was actually enjoying what I was doing and looking forward to races. 

Which sounds down right CRAZY TOWN to me now. 

I do know that I have some stumbling blocks to overcome. Things like my actual health, how I'm not supposed to exert myself too much and I will dehydrate alarmingly fast. I have an auto immune disorder so if I do anything too strenuous I will pay for it for several days, I'll have limited mobility and high pain. I also have diastasis recti, which just means my abdominal muscles never moved back into place after my last baby. Well, I don't think they ever went back after any of the babies, but I'm just now learning about it. I always look to be pregnant and I've had people ask me how far along I am. 

It's embarrassing. 

Right now, I vary between 3-6 months pregnant looking depending on how I feel, how much I hydrated the day before, etc. 

I decided that I would join Beachbody, try out a few programs to see if I can at least get some kind of jump start on feeling better. I have very low goals, 5 pounds lost this year, but that's going to be an uphill battle. I might lose 10 right away but my weight fluctuates wildly from day to day but the weight on file is 203.8. My heaviest ever was 212, so I'm right back where I started my first weight loss challenge. 

 So here is my obligatory "before" shot so you can kind of see where I'm at. 

I'm starting with the YouV2 program because it's low impact and really the most ideal for people who are grossly out of shape. Each session is like 30 minutes long and on day one I made it 17 minutes before almost passing out. 

 Lucy was proud anyways and kept giving me encouraging pats to my butt and then gave me total slobber kisses as I lay on the floor wondering if a tummy tuck would just be easier. 

I've legitimately thought about surgery but seeing people's drains and scars... I get the willies thinking about it. I just truly don't think I can do it. 

Here is the photo of me the day after that top one is taken, just so you can get an idea of how much I fluctuate. My pants, I never know what size I need that day so I have three sizes in rotation right now. Thank god I never got rid of any of them! 

So here we are, I'm trying. I'm expecting all of you to properly shame me if I fall off the wagon and/or drag my ass back onto it. 

(I got my shirt from Meowingtons, but you can also get them on Amazon)

You spin me... to the ground.

I know Workout Wednesday was technically yesterday, but I'm still posting this week to keep myself accountable. I can't even remember when the last time I posted about a workout, and I'm going to be honest, I fell off the wagon as hard as a fat girl could. It's not that I don't realize that I have to start losing weight, but I've really struggled with energy and my entire body hurting.

Long story short, it almost always feels like I have been hit by a car. It reminds me of when I was pregnant with Olivia way back in 2005 and I knew something was up because everything hurt, even my hair. Turns out I was pregnant. This time I can't be pregnant, but they suspect it's just that my body is just out of whack, which is so exciting to hear.

Another challenge I'm facing is that I'm taking steroids for my Sheehan's Syndrome and it's true what they say, steroids make you fat. They make you fat even without over eating.

It's totally depressing.

One thing I've wanted to try is a spin class. Thanks to my local Facebook friends, I learned there is a local gym that has an evening spin class and I can pay as I go. Which is nice because I can't afford a membership anywhere and I really can't go more than once, maybe twice a week, to make a membership feel like I'm getting my money out of it. So I found a friend who wanted to go as well and we went.

You know what nobody told me about spin classes? That your butt is going to hurt and it's going to hurt a lot. My butt was screaming within a minute and the class hadn't even started yet. I will say though, the 45 minutes flew by. I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to make it through the entire class, minus three breaks for less than 30 seconds each, mostly just to get feeling back into my butt. I'm hoping to go again soon because while I don't think I'm going to lose a ton of weight doing it, something is always going to be better than nothing.

Then I decided that February is going to be my 30 Day Shred month. But since February is a short month, I'd start in January. My goal? Not feel like a gross whale for my birthday. If all goes according to plan, my friend Tammy and I are going to Las Vegas for a long weekend/mom's break/my birthday celebration.

And you know what? It sucks as much as I remember it. This will be my third time doing it and this time is, hands down, the hardest. I am so out of shape and it's defeating. Did I even complete day one? No. No, I didn't. I did about half and I had to quit or take a break. I know if I keep at it, I'll have my endurance get better and I'll be able to complete the entire workout. So think positive things. 

My current weight is 220 and my goal weight (where I was pre-Penelope) is 160. That's a LONG road to go. Little bit at a time.