38 and packing.

You guys, when I say that things have been chaotic, I'm not kidding. Matt and I are trying to get everything done and not stress out about life. Here are some things on the plate:

⭐I turn 38 on Tuesday. Normally I'm super excited, with a birthday wish list and specific cake demands but this year I'm so out of whack and my concept of time is seemingly getting worse. Unfortunate, because that's a skill you use a lot. As of right now there are no plans and that's OK.

⭐We are still moving. We have a lot of things to do (and buy) this weekend so that Matt can just move along with his tasks. He's making a bedroom for us in the basement there and so far he has two walls insulated and drywall up. He has the other two walls to do and then the process of taping, mudding, sanding, etc. He hates it but.. its gotta get done. The goal is to have that room basically done by the time we get back.

Yes, I realize that's a lofty goals but that's what goals are for!

In the meantime, we have been making loads every day of stuff and I've been unpacking as I go as much as I can.

We've had the kids there (mostly on the weekends) as we work so Matt brought over a TV and antennae so we can at least give them local channels. Shout out to PBS for having a non-stop cartoon channel now! 

Also shout out to Olivia and Jackson who have been so GREAT about all of this and incredibly helpful at keeping Penelope and Lucy out of the way. Mostly. 

I splurged last week on clearance dishes at Walmart and for a whole $18 I walked out with two boxes. It's really great because the dishes we currently have are pretty heavy and hard for Pep & Lu to carry, resulting in a bunch being broken. It was time for new ones so I'm really glad I just happened to get there during a last clearance sale, getting the last box of each color. 

Penelope and Lucy currently have a huge closet with so much storage, I've always been jealous of it. Unfortunately that means it can also be chock full of crap, and that's exactly what happened here. 

It took me THREE DAYS to clear everything out of here, sort it into piles: give to a friend, donate, garbage, keep. The best part of downsizing (a lot) is that its forcing me to really get rid of stuff and while my anxiety is overwhelmed right now, I know its for the best. 

So confession time. I've only moved as an adult three other times, this will be my fourth. Each time I've discovered I have an issue with towels. Both kitchen and bath towels. I cannot bring them place to place.

(Yes, I know this is dumb. No, I don't know why.)

I inadvertently bought new kitchen towels and washcloths the other day and as I was folding them it dawned on me that I did it again. Add it to the list of compulsive behaviors, I guess but it's annoying. It isn't so bad this time because the ones we currently have are ripped and some are so thin you can see through them, so the only ones legitimately worth keeping are the industrial ones I use for cleaning. It's just another strange habit.

Oh, and I have been saving cash for TWO YEARS so that we could buy new furniture. What we have is worn down and Matt said he refuses to sew it together one more time (ladies, get you a man who can sew furniture together). The furniture we have is BIG and HEAVY, but it also will not fit into our new space. I think we can get it in there (it would be a squeeze, that's for sure), but you couldn't have anything else in there. We decided to take the little bit we had saved already (just under $500) and find something smaller. A lot smaller. 

With my super shopping skills I managed to get us a small couch for what I thought was $300. I was so proud of myself and I paid the extra $100 for them to deliver it. 

So imagine my surprise when I was informed that in my online purchase I also bought a love seat/chair and a half thing. (It's maybe the smallest love seat I have ever been on.) The price I paid was accurate, it turns out this was a bargain clearance buy. So $400 total for a super small couch and this love seat/chair thing. The rest of the furniture fund will go into savings. Our current furniture will go to Matt's sister and brother, which will be good because now we don't have to figure out what to do with it.

While waiting for that stuff to come I sorted kid books. I wish I had taken a before photo of what our collection looked like because it was easily five times this. I could have filled this several times and still needed more room. Olivia and Jackson have novels of their own but they will keep those in their room, this is just for Penelope and Lucy. Don't judge- we read a LOT of books here.

We clearly downsized and I donated books to school, do little libraries all over town, and gave some to friends.

Monday I'll have a post about the upcoming trip Olivia and I are going on, we leave next Saturday! I'm excited and incredibly nervous because I'm still not feeling awesome. I have to spend some time this weekend packing I think. Olivia has her first dance competition of the season this weekend.

It's just a lot, all of the time.

Living with brain impairment: dumb stuff

Living in a post AFE world is really strange. I'm lucky to have found a great online support group of other survivors and have connected with several of them. I know a lot of them go through similar things and some don't have much impairment in any area. We really are all different, no two paths or the same and sometimes that's lonely.

I was talking to someone the other day as we were waiting in line to check out at Target. Just benign chit chat with a stranger and when the cashier gave me my total, I completely blanked out. Suddenly I didn't know where I was, if I had my kids with me, what I'm supposed to do, how do I pay, why am I buying stuff, what do I do with this stuff, how am I going to get home, etc.

The closest thing "normal" people have to relate to is you know when you take a nap and wake up hours later having no idea what time or day it is and you felt like you've slept for a decade? It's like that, but scarier.

This woman looked concerned, obviously, and asked if I was OK. I said I was but I'm just forgetful (haha) and I struggled to figure out what I was supposed to do. Thankfully, she was a decent person and helped me use the card reader because I couldn't figure it out, it was like looking at a foreign object. I have my PIN written in marker on the front of my card because I can't remember it anymore. By this time Olivia wandered back and she helped me get back to the car. By the time we loaded things in, my memory "snapped back" and I knew exactly where I was, how I got here, who I was with, my plans for the day.

This happens all of the time. I often have people say, "well you look normal" and I do. I look normal. Looking at me you would never know this happens. You wouldn't know sometimes I forget how to get dressed. You wouldn't know sometimes I forget how to brush my teeth or how to fix my hair. You wouldn't know that sometimes I can't tie my shoes or I can't find my way home. You wouldn't know that I can't always tell you my phone number, address, or birth date. I know I have four kids but I don't always know how old they are or when their birthday is.

Sometimes I'll go to a doctor and they'll give me instructions on what to do with my next medication. I won't remember it. Sometimes someone will explain to me how to do something, even easy things, I won't remember it. If I'm doing any kind of an activity (typing, texting, scrolling on my phone, cooking, putting things in my purse, putting shoes on, etc) and you're talking to me about something? I won't remember it. If we're in a crowded place and you're talking to me? I won't remember it but I'll also struggle to follow because I can't focus on just you. If I'm reading a book I sometimes have to read chapters four or five times before I understand what I just read. Sometimes I never do.

I can't put those numbers in order. I was playing a few weeks ago and realized that's a good example of something I can't do. I can't tell you which is the highest or lowest number. I can't always count coins or cash. I can't do any math in my head. I can't figure out a tip. I have a hard time dialing a phone number. I can't read recipes or follow them.

I could go all day with things that I can't do. What I can do is try to help myself. A couple of years ago my friend Shirley bought me an Erin Condren planner and I loved it. The following year I bought a significantly cheaper store bought knock off and I hated it. Last year I bought an Erin Condren planner for myself because it REALLY helped me stay on track. Every appointment, every thing I need to do goes in my planner. I need to grocery shop? I put it in there. I need to run an errand? In my planner. Olivia needs an outfit for band concert? In my planner. Literally EVERY THING goes in my planner. The entire family knows my planner is basically our family's Bible. I'm not kidding. If you ever hear me say, "I'll remember that", I am lying to you so I don't look impaired and I will not remember.

I hate, hate, hate looking like I'm not normal. I don't like looking like I need help with basic, common, dumb stuff. I know that I DO need help, I don't like people seeing me in that moment, I feel self conscious and dumb. Rational? NOPE. But it is what it is. 

So about a month ago I ordered my 2020 calendar because I already have doctor appointments lined up for 2020 and some book reviews, school calendar stuff, etc. It was time to get my new one. 

Look how pretty it is! I'm all about colorful stuff so I went with this one. AND put my name on it just because I could. 

I also got some notepads (because I write a lot of random notes of things to remember), bookmarks, and some address labels. Want a really good gift idea for me? ADDRESS LABELS. 

Isn't it pretty? Truly. It has a lot of sections in it that I didn't use in my last planner but I want to use in this one. I told my therapist I'm going to start a grateful journal and write things down that were good from each day, and the worst thing from that day and hopefully one outweighs the other.

Do you have ways to stay more organized? I'm taking ideas now because I'm really struggling.

Marie Kondo scares me.

I don't know if you remember but a couple of weeks ago I talked about watching Marie Kondo's show and then starting on my office/scrapbook area. I got rid of a lot of stuff and I'm still in the processing of getting rid of things. I have a stack of books yet to go to their new home, one to mail, some school supplies I need to organize into their new home so I can better see what I have before I buy like crazy in August. For the most part though, my room is done. I really cut back on craft supplies and books, I changed up my work area so it's more efficient and I can pull things out when I need them. I'll admit, it was nice to get rid of so much stuff.

So naturally, this made me think we should move the purge upstairs. I mean, why not? I know my makeup was a hot mess, the cabinet in our bathroom was a mess, the linen closet was a mess, things were out of hand. And our clothes? Hot mess. It was bad. So I thought I'd just start.

It's kind of hard to work on stuff like this because none of it brings me joy. I need it though, so I don't look like an ogre when I leave the house, so you know.. its a need. I did downsize it a lot because I haven't used lip liner in YEARS and frankly, I don't care enough about any of you enough to wear lip liner.  Glitter eye liner? Let's be honest... there comes a time where you need to put the glitter and the shimmer away. That goes away and your various anti aging creams and aging specific makeup comes in and you need to make the transition. If you think I'm parting with my Unicorn bronzer/highlighter you are WRONG, ma'am. I refuse to get rid of that. Refuse.

Then I moved to my closet. This is literally just my closet. I decided I was going to do my closet and then do my dresser because that is two very different sections. Closet is clothes that I wear every day. Dresser is weird things like tanks, pajamas, socks and underwear, long underwear, bathing suits, etc. None of that seems like stuff I would sort with regular clothes so I made it two different jobs.

You know what doesn't bring me joy? Making the decision to get rid of all of the clothes that don't fit. I can't hang onto these for "someday" because it's making me depressed every time I go to wear it and realize yet again... it doesn't fit.  I allowed myself one small stack of jeans that are the next size down from where I am now and a couple of t-shirts that are amazing and hilarious and I just can't get rid of. Those ended up being folded on a shelf in my closet.

I did work on my dresser that same night because I was kind of on a roll. I did her fancy folding thing. As much as I didn't like it when I was doing it, when I pull stuff out I kind of love it. 

I did my t-shirts and ended up getting rid of a LOT of them. I only have a drawer of them versus two now. 

I have my solid colored tanks rolled (lower left), my printed tanks folded (top left), extra t-shirts that didn't fit in the drawer (middle), and my pajamas folded (top right). 

I had a hard time with this drawer because this is all weird random stuff I use rarely. I have two bathing suits (two different sizes), my long underwear, sports bra, lacy tank/bra thing that goes under a shirt I have, and a petticoat and belt. 

I missed her episode on pants so when I looked it up I didn't like that method at all. So I have my workout pants folded (lower left), leggings rolled (top left), maxi skirts folded (middle), capri leggings (top right), and other pants folded (lower right). This is actually working really well for me so I'm going to stick with it. 

I did finish the bathroom. This cupboard was chuck full of stuff. So I've got my towels folded (I cannot handle them folded any other way. Sorry, not sorry.), my makeup was transferred to the blue drawer thing, and face lotions/cleansers/face masks, etc in the tray. Underneath is the toilet paper, spare diaper and pull up, and then basket of lotions. 

It's dark in here but this is my linen closet that is right outside of the bathroom. We have the laundry hamper in here and we store beach towels, extra blanket (for sleepovers), and my CPAP machine bag in here. This bottom shelf was a catch all for junk. So now we have boxes organized with stuff: one for first aid supplies, one for shaving razors/cream, one for dental care, and this box for nail polish stuff. That box was full of CD's that I got rid of (after making sure I had them in my iTunes because I still listen to them.)

I made Matt do his dresser and part of the closet too because I said I would do it if he didn't. He did it one night I took Olivia to dance. 

 He got rid of a TON of his gross t-shirts. He has nice clothes, he dresses like he owns nothing.

Oh! So here's our closet all done. My dresses are hanging on a hook but I did get rid of half. Matt's clothes are on top (honestly, I feel like he could have/should have gotten rid of more but I'm lucky he did it at all so I'm not going to push it). My clothes are on bottom. They are all pushed to the middle, there is nothing in that black hole to the left or the little to the right. For perspective, my section was SO full, I could hardly squeeze things in there. It's really weird to not have much to choose from (some of this is summer only so my winter selection is... like 5 tops at best) but I guess it's nice to not be depressed every day when I get dressed.

Are you doing any purging? Is Marie Kondo bullying you into feeling joy? Honestly, I realize how very little brings me joy in my house and it's mostly all because I need it, not because I like or want it. I'm curious if others are feeling the same way or are totally into the feeling joy thing.

Purge, baby, purge

If  you're a Netflix junkie or mildly curious what people are talking about, you've likely watched an episode (or binged them all while eating popsicles in your sick bed) of the Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. It's all about minimizing what you own, keeping only what sparks joy, and freeing up the spaces in your home. Lots of research says that too much stuff or clutter around you increases anxiety, and I know that's true for me. I think I was able to always keep my anxiety in check by obsessively organizing and cleaning. Post AFE I am not able to do that so oftentimes I find myself staring at a counter in my dining room, often referred to as a "command station" area, which has become a catch all. Everyone throws things on it and apparently I'm the only one capable of doing anything about any of it. Which is annoying because what would they do if I was dead?

I digress.

I decided that I really have to do this. I started a few months ago and I focused on one specific area, like a closet. I emptied out, went through each item one by one and had a ton of trash, mostly because it was a linen closet, and when I put the few things back in, it was really nice. Interesting, I've been very reluctant to put anything back onto the empty shelves so I have been really good about keeping it up.

I know Marie has a method of doing all of the clothes at once (which I will do this weekend or next, I'm not sure yet), doing all paper, all komono (everything else), etc. It's a whole process. But for me to do this with toddlers under me, that's not really practical. I did Lucy and Penelope's room as one process and got rid of things that were too small, stained, things we just don't use/wear. It was really nice to just get one entire room done and close the door and know I'm done. For now at least.

I know my room is going to take awhile because Matt and I both have a LOT of clothes, mostly that we don't wear and it's always been easier to put them in a drawer and worry about it later. Get rid of three or four shirts when we are donating other stuff just to fill a bag. But the time has come... we need to really do it. But knowing that is going to be a joint process and probably not an enjoyable one, I decided I would start on my office because that's 100% me and my problem.

My office is kind of great, I spend a lot of time in it. It stores toys, all of my books, all of my scrapbooking, my recumbent bike, and a closet that is literally the biggest catch all I've ever had. I don't know what's even in there aside from purses and extra school supplies. It's a hot mess. But I decided putting it all in the middle of the room is not practical for me so I would go section by section.

I have these cubes I got from Michaels, but you can also get them on Amazon,  and they are GREAT. You can different kinds, some with doors or drawers, modular compartments, some with shelves, the possibilities are endless and it's perfect for any kind of crafter but also for someone who just has a lot of smaller things to store and you don't want them out in the open. They stack, you can move them around, they are really the best investment I've made in my office. Anyways. I have scrapbooked a lot since I had Lucy so a LOT of my supplies have been neglected. I decided I was going through each drawer and really make a decision- is this something I will realistically use knowing I don't craft much anymore, or is this something someone else could use? As you can see, that box is all of the ribbon I got rid of. Almost 75 rolls.

I decided to keep just this. Huge improvement because I had four of these drawers stuffed full of ribbon and now I have one drawer not even half full. I have nothing in my other drawers so I might just move these somewhere and downsize a cube or two. We'll see. 

This looks terrible but truly, I had stuff everywhere in my office. Matt looked a little overwhelmed and left me alone for the most part. 

I emptied out my scrapbook supplies from the closet, those are all gone. ALL gone. I didn't keep anything. I narrowed my stamp collection to half. I went through every pen, pencil, marker I had and only kept 40, just enough for one of each major color. All of my paints are gone (except the craft pain the kids use), I got rid of punches and tools, adhesive I don't like, cards and envelopes I don't use, so much stuff. I ended up donating a LOT to Penelope's preschool because I knew kids would love to tinker with this stuff at their art table and it's out of my house. 

The MOST daunting thing? Going through paper. I have thousands of sheets of 12x12 paper. Thousands. Easily. I went through so much and got rid of 3/4 of it. Did you read that? I hardly have any paper. (Not true, I have a lot but even Matt wasn't sure if my give away pile was the smaller pile and was VERY impressed that it was the larger!) That all went to the preschool too. I realized I've had paper for YEARS just because it was pretty. Like this stuff from SEI. I kept it because I literally could not part with it but I am going to use it on a page this year. I keep saying I'm waiting for the "right" photos for it but no- I need to use it. So my scrapbook area is DONE. It's kind of amazing and I feel not as overwhelmed to do more pages. I don't have as many choices to think about, it's back to being simple and easy.

My next project? Books. 

This is a before of half of my shelves. I do a purge every few months so I'm not THAT bad. Marie Kondo says you should keep less than 30 and that's not a world I want to live in. I just cannot. A person can't even ask that of me. A lot of my books I've read so many times so it's not like they just sit there.

I am going through one area at a time. Young Adult will be first, then non-fiction, and then..... everything else. I'll offer them to friends first, then I'm going to try to find teachers or organizations that would want them, and then donate. I already have a stack of books I'm going to mail to people so I need to work on that this week.

I have so much work yet to do in my office but having the scrapbook area done is a huge accomplishment. I just need to make some tough choices on books. I feel sick already.

Increase your productivity, and become Wonder Woman

I get asked a lot how I stay on top of things. Being a wife to a husband who works 80 hours a week means I am on my own for a lot of the parenting and household things. Having two kids in school means I'm busy being involved with their studies, their school, not to mention their extra curricular activities. Working part time means I'm fortunate enough to work outside of the home as well as get all of these things done. Then we toss in that I'm a book reviewer, a crafter, and the PTO President at my kids' school. It all adds up to a crazy life, an even crazier schedule, and that's hard to manage.

So how do I do it?

It's taken awhile to develop a system that works for me, but I can tell you that I live and die by lists. Lists make me feel calm, even when they are lengthy. Having everything I need to get done laid out in front of me feels much more manageable and the feeling of crossing things off is great!

I do a lot of book reviews and the easiest way for me to keep track of them is a double system to catch myself in case I forget it in one area. As soon as I book a review, it goes right into my day planner. I write the book title and which company is organizing the tour under the date it is due. Every month I update my white board (shown here) with the current month and the next month, which books I have due and what dates. This is usually where I look first when I go to grab a new book to read and every time a review is typed up, it's erased off the board.

I also have two desks in my office. I know that sounds insane, but it has turned out to be really great as far as keeping things straight. This is my every day desk, it's where I pay my bills, run my blog, maintain social media, and do anything that requires a dedicated work space. The only things I keep here are things that go in and out.

Everything else, whether it be crafty, kid related projects for school, or PTO information, happens at this desk. It's actually a built in cabinet meant for an entertainment center, but it has turned out perfect as a second desk. This way none of this stuff crosses over to the work area and I can keep myself straight and work just in the area that I need to. Sadly, this is the desk that often sees piles, but you see I've got one manageable pile here, I swear it's not for your viewing benefit!

I mentioned that I live and die by lists, but you will also never see me without my daily planner. Though I have a full size one here, in January I am going back to a 6 x 9 size (or around that) because this isn't as handy as I thought it would be, I'd much rather have something that fits into a purse easily. But in my planner I use a color coded system. On the month-at-a-view page, I only write down my actual work schedule. Any other activity is marked on the corresponding date with an asterisk- that's my mental clue to turn to the page for that specific date. On that page, anything for Olivia is written in purple, for Jackson it's blue, PTO related things is green and all else is either teal, pink, or red... whatever I have handy. This color coded system has worked out tremendously!

The other thing I highly advise? Is no matter how small it is, even if it's something you do EVERY Tuesday, write it in your planner! Anytime you have to make plans, you really need to take in everything you have going on that day, be realistic! It's OK to say no to things and to say you really have too much happening on any given day.

Another totally random thing that I have found that helps me a lot is actually having a plan for cleaning, a cleaning schedule, if you will. I know, it sounds silly to say, "On Mondays we mop." but truly, it helps! Who wants to blow their entire weekend cleaning their house? Break it up into smaller, more manageable chores over the week so you can actually relax and enjoy your weekend. The hidden bonus to this is that it then becomes easier to dole these things out to children and spouses.

It takes time to develop a routine that works for you and your family, but I promise that once you hit your groove, you will feel like Wonder Woman and people will wonder how you have it so together!

If you are fortunate to already have a really good routine down, and you feel like you need to grow your business but you are lacking funds? A really great resource is Kabbage. They help you grow your business, increase your productivity, and become more successful in your endeavors by providing small business loans. The great thing is that Kabbage knows you are busy, so you can find out what they can do for you really quickly, and that helps you get more done in your day.