16 months

I have decided that it's really strange for me to measure Lucy's age and know that it's the same measurement of my AFE recovery. Two very different things, seemingly going in opposite directions, and it's always bittersweet. I suppose maybe when she's 20 or something it won't feel like such a big deal? Maybe. I'm not really sure, I guess. Some times it seems like it's been no time at all because my sense of time isn't like everyone else's, and then other days I feel like surely it has to be longer than this, right?

Nope. Lucy is officially 16 months old as of December 1. She's basically the same age as Penelope was when she was born. I might be a month off.... I can't really remember. So that's bizarre, too. To think I had a newborn at the same time as a 16 month old? I can't even wrap my head around it. It's maybe OK that I have no memories of that time. Then I think maybe that's why Penelope is SUCH a challenge? Maybe having to fight for attention is why she's a bear almost every day all day? I'm not sure.

But let's talk about 16 months.

Lucy is actually a great listener. If you tell her to sit down, by god that girl will sit down. She sits for story time, she sits when a "show" comes on, and if I'm bringing a new activity and tell them to sit down, she goes right to the rug and plops down. She's going to be a teacher's DREAM some day. 

Lucy absolutely LOVES to take things out of containers and try to get in. The drawers of the ottoman hold DVD's and every single day she takes them all out for the sake of taking them out. 

She's always up for an adventure, which is great because Penelope has her be her partner in crime. On this particular day they were looking for Penelope's shadow. If you ask Lucy where something is, she will ALWAYS drop down and look under the ottoman first, apparently she thinks that is the Bermuda Triangle of lost things. 

She still loves me the best. Every day for nap she wants me to rock her and I have to sing to her and Penelope. You have to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Itsy Bitsy Spider, and You Are My Sunshine, 5 times EACH (minimum) before they will go to sleep. As soon as I walk into her room and give her the pacifier, she lays her head right on my chest and assumes the position by tucking her feet and hands under her. It's pretty adorable. 

Lucy is easily the BEST baby ever. No question. This girl loves everyone, she loves to be cuddled, loves to read books, plays quietly by herself, and you can tell she's just a gentle soul. 

Lucy is always happy. Even when she's the crabbiest baby, she's still happy. You can still make her smile and laugh. It's so rare that she's so cranky you beg for bedtime. Penelope is like that all day every day, but not Lucy. She's very go with the flow. 

Her favorite thing? These dumb My Little Pony glasses we got in a McDonald's Happy Meal. We have two pairs and I swear, it's her most prized possession. She loves them and will bring them to you to put them on her. She hasn't totally figured out that she can do it herself, she wants someone else to. Then she looks at you with this cheesy grin and she's just so damn happy about it. It's hard to be depressed around her. She really is everything good in my life. Everybody loves Lucy.

Overtaken by toddlers

Someone asked me the other day if I thought have two kids only fifteen months apart was like twins. I think having twins would be easier in some respects but harder in others. I know that right now I struggle. These two are the sweetest handful ever.

It is no surprise that the main instigator is Penelope, she often says, "do it, do it Lucy" when Lucy is doing something she shouldn't. Lucy is always trying to copy Penelope, and we've had some serious showdowns over toys. It's honestly easier to buy two of everything.

A big change in the last few weeks is transitioning Lucy to the toddler bed. Everyone gives me a look when I say this, and I often hear, "But she's just a baby!". Technically, she's a toddler. She's a baby in a lot of ways still, sure, but Matt and I really need sleep. Lucy has been sleeping in a crib in our room since she was born. We honestly didn't think this would be a big deal but as it turns out, it kind of is. Neither one of us feel comfortable doing anything in the room with her right there... even if she is asleep. It just feels wrong. Lucy is also kind of a noisy sleeper, just like her dad. She snores, grunts, cries, and moves around a LOT.... all in her sleep. It's enough to drive you nuts. We thought long and hard about it and we realized that Penelope was only 15 months when she basically got forced into the toddler bed because we needed the crib for Lucy, so now that Lucy is 15 months we felt that it could be done.

How is that going? Well... not bad. Not as bad as we anticipated. Night time is actually pretty great, if she cries (she normally wakes up crying around 4 a.m.), it hasn't woken up Penelope (yet) and we're able to get her back to bed. She's pretty willing to get up in the bed on her own, she'll pull her blankets up, but I think the pillow is odd for her. Often times you'll find her next to the pillow. Penelope has adjusted pretty well to sharing a room, which that alone was surprising.

It's nap time that kills us. Even if I get Lucy in there and wait until she's sleeping and then bring Penelope in, it's a 50/50 chance on whether either of them will sleep. I will say, it isn't always Penelope at fault. I've heard Lucy getting out of bed and waking Penelope up. Other times Penelope will go to Lucy's bed and tell her it's "morn" and they start giggling and playing. The best is when I go to get them in the morning and Penelope says, "Lucy poop". As if the overwhelming smell didn't clue me in. 

Let's talk about Penelope- she is pretty damn smart. She can count to ten, knows most of her letters, knows her colors and shapes, we're working on drawing lines and circles (she is definitely left handed!), she follows 2-3 step directions, and is talking really well. I'm pretty surprised at what this kiddo can do. She's only 2 1/2 but she is having a good time learning things. She hasn't really gotten the hang of crafts, or maybe she isn't interested. She loves Play-Doh and Lego's, where Lucy is more into pretend play, Little People, and cars. Oh! Penelope is really interested in the Disney Princesses. We're watching all of the movies, except Frozen because I hate it and I cannot stand Idina Menzel and that damn song which is just terrible. She really likes Moana and Rapunzel the best, she thinks SHE is Rapunzel because they both have the same color of hair.

Some days are just LONG with these two. I honestly am not cut out to be a stay at home mom, I really don't enjoy it, so knowing this is all I can do? It's pretty depressing. I think I could have handled all of this better had I not had an AFE- I could at least leave the house with them, but the only time I leave my house during the day is for a doctor appointment and I go alone. I think if I didn't have depression and anxiety I would be doing better. Some days I'm fine, some days I can fake it and only cry for a minute in the bathroom, and some days I can't handle anything and I'm flying off the handle about something really pointless, but I'm overcome with rage. It's horrible. I don't see it coming, I can't control it when it happens, and often I don't recognize it until later. Sometimes I don't remember at all. I'm not sure if that's better or worse, really.

Last week I was really at my end with all of the whining, and Penelope testing boundaries, and finally I just yelled at her. I took away the thing she wasn't supposed to be swinging around and she just said, "You no like me". My mom asked if I heard it and of course I did. I have sonic ears now, I hear everything. And I feel like shit. I feel like I am a terrible mom and I'm angry I can't just pull it together. I am angry I need help, I'm so tired of dealing with it that I just shut down and say I'm fine. I'm 100% not fine but I'm sick of explaining it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not explaining what I'm feeling and thinking well enough for people to understand.

I do know that I love them. My life wouldn't be complete without them, I know that. Some days they just hug me and I can just see how much they love me, I see I'm their favorite person and that at some point I did OK because they feel safe with me. They feel loved. But I always feel like I'm failing someone. I'm always failing someone. 

Big milestones involving feet and poop.

The last two weeks have been pretty up and down with my mood. Some days I feel almost like my old self and then the next day it all comes crashing down and I feel like I'm in the worst hole of my life. It's hard to decide if a new anti-depressant is working when life is like that. I mean, do I shoot for 2-3 good days and decide that the medicine is working? Should I have good days every day? Most days? I don't know. I'm just so tired and frustrated with it all. I go back to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota on August 28 (next Monday) but that's for endocrinology and I have a list of questions, hopefully I'll leave there feeling better than last time.

I just found my camera and realized I never took the pictures from Lucy's party off it, so I thought I'd share a few with you.

I love this picture so much, not just because my niece is in it, but because it showcases everyone's personality. Adriana is friendly and quiet, Lucy is interested and the observer, and Penelope is Penelope, rolling around in the background.

This is how you'll find Penelope most days now. She's going to be a gymnast whereas Olivia had exactly zero interest in flipping and tumbling around.

Penelope and Adriana are only six months apart in age, so it's really fun seeing them play together. Penelope is so wild and full of it and poor Adriana was like, "Settle down, kid". HA!

Lucy got a bunch of great gifts we've been enjoying since her party. It's so nice to have different things for her and Penelope to fight over.

But this one year old is walking! Well, she's taking the tentative steps without hanging onto anything but then she feels unsure or unsteady and goes back to crawling as fast as she can. She loves this pony toy my mom got her and can get on and off by herself, and she'll just sit there rocking on it. It's pretty adorable.

I love, love, LOVE this picture. I am so glad I finally got a picture of her making this face because my favorite thing about Lucy is her excited expression. She makes this face anytime she's excited, when she sees food, or right before she gets angry because she wants something Penelope has.

She's just now getting to the age where she will fight back for what she wants. Thankfully Penelope is coming around and plays nicer with her, but some days it's really tough. Having two so close in age isn't ideal, I don't care what anyone says. If anyone asks me I'm going to vehemently argue against having two so close together.

Most of the time though she is the sweetest love bug. She's content to sit on your lap and cuddle, she likes to take things out of containers, she still wants to be rocked to sleep snuggled next to you, she randomly gives hugs and kisses, and is very ticklish. I really love her. I don't remember rocking and snuggling her when she was younger, I'm sure I did it I just don't remember, so now when I rock her I try so hard to bank it in my memory so I don't forget. I don't remember her baby smell, the sound of her coos, or the looks of adoration she gives, I so badly want to remember something. 

Certainly not to be outdone, but Penelope is a mini rock star at potty training. We've been doing it about two weeks now, with the first day by far being the worst. I went to bed in full tears convinced we'd have to wait until the summer before kindergarten to potty train. The next morning I got up, fully dejected, and just said to her that we need to really try to get to the potty.

And that was that. She just did it. I don't know if she sensed my desperation or it was obvious even to a two year old that I was ready to lose it. Either way, I'm grateful.

We still have accidents here and there (usually when she's eating or really engrossed in an activity), and we wear a diaper or pull up for nap time, bed time, and if we go out, because it'll be awhile yet. But it's been GREAT not changing so many diapers in a day. She's a fan of panties so we have a basket full of Trolls, Minnie Mouse, Dory, and plain panties (I swear we must have 20 pairs) and she takes great care picking out a new pair every time she goes. Oh yes, she has to be stark naked to use the potty but that is not the hill I want to die on so we're going with it for now.