Yo Ho Bitches

So today Matt and I drove to Hayward, Wisconsin. Now if you have ever been to Wisconsin you'll notice that 90% of Wisconsin is comprised of hick towns with cute gift shops. And every town has one gas station, a shitload of farms and a million churches. Hayward is no different aside from their beautiful lake and for this weekend, it had Krysten and her hubby Dustin. You'll recognize Krysten as a regular commenter up in this shiz and her blog is over at After I Do. Check her out because we make a cute couple. We met up with them at the original Famous Dave's restaurant and ended up having a breakfast buffet. Except we didn't know that because our waitress (and I use that term loosely) never told us. We kind of just assumed we had to go up. Craptastic service and semi-good food. I had a super good waffle though that was all puffy. Mmm..

So after Famous Dave's we were going to hit up the multitude of little shops Hayward is kind of known for. I ended up getting a cute yellow sweatshirt and I almost got pregnant in the same shop when I saw all the baby stuff. Matt says no but come on---you have to be cold hearted to say no to polka dot baby socks.

He still said no.

OH! So I had to pee and remarkably- one of the shops had a bathroom. So I go in and yeah- it STINKS up in there. Clearly no ventilation. So I'm peeing and as I come out of the stall this super huge lady goes into another stall. No big. So I'm washing my hands and I hear her flush. Then again. Then again. Finally- someone else walks into the bathroom as I'm going to get a towel to dry my hands. Guess what? SHE PLUGGED THE TOILET and began asking for help. I obviously did what anyone else would do.

I got out of there ushering Krysten, Dustin, and Matt to go. That's so disgusting.

OK so we went to another part of Hayward and we see there is a Lumberjack Show at 2, something else Hayward is known for. I've seen a small version of that one summer in Cloquet, but we decided to do it anyways. For $20 per couple we got in and climbed these super steep bleacher type things. I obviously had Matt go back down to get me a water, a pepsi and a popcorn.

The show itself was a bit cheesy but it was still fun. We all sat on the winning side. As if you thought our team would lose. Pssh. Well they want you to say "Yo Ho" to like motivate these "professional lumberjacks" but that sounds ridiculous. Krysten and I were too cool to do that. Obvi. And I had a proud moment because when they were all trying to give you the history of lumberjacks....I already knew it all (obvi) but only because I diligently watch "America: The Story of Us" on the History Channel on Sunday nights.

Oh- this guy danced in front of us.
These are the obviously underage kids posing as lumberjacks. They are "professionals" but they seriously looked 12. MAYBE 13.

The blond one to the left was hot. AND he almost ran Krysten and Dustin over afterwards in his truck. His partner kind of sucked at everything except climbing the big wood pole thingie.

So they did like jousting in the water in canoes. True story- the canoe to the left? Seriously must have been made of rubber. It was in super rough shape and frankly- I would never get it in.

But afterwards we went into a few more shops and Dustin found some really fun educational books in the world's smallest store. Seriously- if someone had farted we would have all died. But this was about your belly button or something but what I think it's really about is nudist colonies. And how it's ok to see and touch other people. Or something.

After parting ways Matt and I got back onto the highway to go back to Superior. Fun fact: when I drive in a 65mph I usually do around 80. And look for cops. When Matt drives in a 65 mph he does 76 and doesn't look for cops. And gets pulled over.

Thankfully- I told the trooper our cruise control doesn't work (lie) and then Matt played dumb really well (true) and YAY-- we only got a warning. Which is especially significant because Matt literally just got a speeding ticket in March or so for doing 14 over the limit. Yah. So our insurance is already going to go up so yay for no ticket today.

All in all we had a GREAT time. I adore Krysten's blog and now I can say I adore her in person without sounding like a creeper. We will definitely have to get together again. Because after all, Krysten- WE FORGOT TO MOLEST THE MUSKIE!! I can't believe that. Big sads when I remembered in Hawthorne as we got pulled over. :(

Olivia is at Matt's parents house until tomorrow, Jackson was thrilled to see us, we had a fatty supper, watched True Blood and my history show and now eating Coldstone Creamery cake...more specifically- A Cheesecake Named Desire. YUMOLA.

Bet you wish you were me, bitches. ;)

Boo Reviews: Get your Credit Card Ready

Hi. I still read. You wouldn't necessarily know that since I haven't posted a book review in forever. But here is what I have read recently:

Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris

If you haven't read any of the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris I suggest you get off your back road hick ass and start. These books are a million times better than Twilight for several reasons. Mainly because this author can write and doesn't kill you with adjectives. But it also unfolds a fabulous story where these vamps (and weres, shifters, witches, fairies, etc) are having sex with humans. Fabulous sex. *sigh* And I think you should read these so you can watch True Blood on HBO because THAT is a fabulous show. Anyways.

So this is the latest in the series and I have to say....disappointed. I've become used to way more sex and violence and this book, while the story is interesting, left me feeling like we never really got to the story. I am hoping the next book has violence from the word go. :) BUT...you must read it anyways if you start the series. There is still plenty of good sex.

Don't Sleep With Your Drummer by Jen Sincero

This book was borrowed to me by a friend and it isn't necessarily one that I'd pick up on my own. I also need to mention that I didn't get into it until I was 3/4 of the way done. I don't know. Some writers can pull you in and some can't. But I wanted to finish the book because Kelli said it was good and I didn't want to let her down. And I'm glad I did. This is basically about a woman going through a quarter life crisis (in her 30's) after she gets fired from her job. She realizes what she really wants to do is be in a band and has basically no support. Well she starts a band and they play gigs, are actually really good, get signed and then it all falls apart. But then it kind of comes together again towards the end. But I think it's a great book for 20somethings because it just reaffirms what we all feel towards the end of our 20's- uncertainty and fear.

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

You know I love me some supernatural romance book. This is Young Adult so just be aware the most action you will get in this are hugs, naked boy chests and kisses. It's ok though. This is a GREAT book and I highly recommend it. I finished it in four hours and put it down at 2 am. On a work night. It was totally worth it. It's basically about a boy who was an angel- but he lusted after a human and then becomes a fallen angel and has his wings ripped out. But this makes him basically a killer and he hunts humans for fun I suppose. Well he meets a human girl he's been ordered to kill but surprise! He falls in love with her. It is fabulously written and I enjoyed it a ton. It ends kind of weird (I think) but then I find out...dun dun dun....there is a sequel coming! Yes, bitches, a sequel!

Blood Born by Linda Howard and Linda Jones

One of my very favorite authors is Linda Howard. I have read (I think) every book she's ever done at least twice. I own a bunch of them and when I casually saw this on the FLOOR at Target...I had to get it. Blood Born is about vampires (they live in secret in this book unlike other vamp books) who are planning to take over humans basically and not be in hiding. But then there is a somewhat rogue vamp who thinks this is wrong and is going to try to save them. The deal is that some humans are "conduits" and are unknowingly trying to bring over "warriors" to fight this massive warriors vs vampire war. Cheesy, but stay with me. So there is one human who is a conduit but is kind of special. I'm not going to go into more because it would give it away. This also was a fast read for me and it too....is going to have a sequel. Which I am THRILLED about.

Ice by Linda Howard

OK now this one I got at Barnes and Noble. I buy anything with Linda Howard's name on it. Most of her novels are really far fetched- like the chances of this ever happening are slim to none but who cares- she writes GREAT sex scenes and it's worth it. This story is really no different at all and to me, was pretty similar to Cover of Night which was cheese to the max but again, GREAT sex scene on the mountain in that one. Anyways. So this is about a girl who is taken hostage by meth addicts during an ice storm. And then this guy she knew from way back when is "checking on her" and wow- they are being chased by meth addicts outside in an ice storm. Yeah- it is cheese to the max but what you come to love about romance novels. I kind of hope these characters are explored in a future book but you can never tell if that will happen.

But I will say of all of Linda's books my favorites will always be the following: All the Queen's Men, Cry No More, and Up Close and Dangerous. AQM is fab because it has black ops agents! And sex! And yeah- MAN OF MY DREAMS in there. CNM is great because I really liked the story. I think she put a ton of thought into this story about a woman who's child was kidnapped in Mexico and she basically searches all her life for him and yeah- enlists a hitman to help her. I loved the story, I loved the characters, and again, great sex. UCD is fun. It's fun because it's about a plane that goes down in the mountains and these two people who hate each other well you know what happens. BUT..it's fun because I now fill my carry on bag with stupid unrelated stuff because of this book. You never know, dammit.

The Bike Incident

If you don't know about Another David, you need to go to his blog right now. He's so much smarter than I likely ever will be plus he rides bicycles and goes for insane 20 mile rides. How he doesn't permanently have a bike seat glued to his ass- I don't know. But he's fab and I love him to bits. AND if we ever meet up he's promised me an evening filled with midgets and debauchery.

Who doesn't need a friend like that?

Anyways. So I remember commenting on his blog somewhere about what I refer to as "The Bike Incident" which is what makes me leery to own a bike even though I know I would, for the most part, like it.

The story begins when I was around 12. This is me at like age 10. Apparently I wasn't cute enough to get pictures taken of me at age 12 or something. But you'll see I was still a hot bitch rocking my black spandex cropped leggins with the lace trim, the matching black/white shirt WITH a hot pink sweatshirt. While hiking in Jay Cooke State Park. In sandals.

Yo betta recognize.

Anyways. So most kids get bikes for Christmas and that's fine because they can actually ride their bikes on Christmas. For us it's kind of a great gift but torture because you know it's another 6 months before you can go out and really have fun with it. Bikes aren't super conducive to snow. Well when I was 10, my brother was 10, our parents got us mountain bikes. Not real ones, but we thought they were. All I knew was mine was white with pink and green paint splotches with black accents. It was the fucking hotness. It had gears and 10 speeds and hand brakes and yeah. It was the most bad ass bike I had ever had.

Fast forward to the spring and my dad decided he was going to teach us how to properly ride a bike. Now, I had bikes in the past and knew how to ride it. I mean, I wasn't a toddler here. But I apparently didn't know enough to not break this bike and my dad didn't want to see $100 go down the toilet. He was adamant about bike care and how we should use the kick stand and not just throw it on the ground, etc. He wanted us to take pride in our new vehicles.

So one afternoon dad comes home with this jalopy of bike he got from god knows where and he was going to take us out to what we called "The Gully" by our house. The Gully was basically an old logging road for trucks, unpaved but well worn and wide that would take you straight to the St. Louis River which is what the paper mill sits on. We had played back there and we knew that there were other trails we just didn't know we were allowed to go that far into the woods. Well, that wasn't mostly me because I was the chicken shit when I was younger and Travis probably was back there all the time lighting fires and such.

Anyways- so we get on our bikes and I figure I'm good to go. We are riding along this trail which was kind of high up. To our right was a bunch of woods and to the left was a drop off with train tracks at the bottom. We went as far as we could on our trail before realizing we had to turn around or ride down this drop off hill and ride along the train tracks.

At that moment, Travis screwed up his brakes. My dad stopped to help him and looked at me, told me to "take 'er easy" down the hill. I'm SURE he said "down the hill" which to me, means ride your bike down the hill. I see a path that is worn into the hill which obviously means it's safe because bikes have been down it. So I start out on this little path.

Approximately 2 seconds into said ride down the little path I hear my dad yell my name, and then I see it. A barrel. Half sticking out of the ground that you couldn't see from the top. Obviously, I panic and hit the barrel.

I then go airborne, do two complete somersaults in the air, at which point I separated from my bike, hit the ground, roll down the hill, land on the railroad tracks. It felt like 10 minutes that I laid there when it really only could have been a second when my bike came down. And landed on top of me.

I pretty much started crying and thought I was going to die. But here comes my brother and Dad, taking their leisurely fucking time around the path, not the way I went, and asked me if I was ok. I remember my dad telling me to get up because I had to ride the bike home and him asking me several times if the bike was ok.

Nice.

At some point I was hobbling along and it felt like I had blood running down my leg. My dad told me that I had to take my pants off to see if I had gotten hurt. So there I am, age 12, half naked next to some railroad tracks, crying, and the biggest bruise I have ever seen developing in my left inner thigh. This thing was the size of a dinner plate and was the inner thigh and part of the front and back. Black as night. And puffy. It was getting more and more puffy and it hurt like a som'of'a'bitch.

I had to walk home like that because riding the bike was not going to happen. My mom laughed. Travis teased me. My dad said I needed more lessons.

I rode my bike again, on flat roads only, for a few more years. And every once in awhile, I see them go on sale and I think I'd like to buy one and take the kids out. But then I think oy...I don't want to be that loser parent that rides bikes with their kids. Those kids always got beat up.

Book Review: How To Get Divorced by 30- My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage

Before I get into my post (seriously- my first paragraph's are turning into fucking monologues. What the hell is up with that???) I have to respond to a comment that was left on last night's post by AaronBillyMacHarlan. He mentioned that he did a post about me, and USUALLY that means someone is a pervert trying to link me to asian porno or a reader is giving me an award. I mean both are appreciated in their own way, don't get me wrong. (I'm not really into asian porn folks, so if you want to switch it up, feel free.) no- Aaron said he wrote about me and I, as I always am when people post me little tidbits like this, was interested.

So I go there. Thankfully, Aaron wasn't selling porno even though his title "Confessions of a Massively Overweight Prostitute" kind of scared me. I can't even lie about this. And then I thought (as page was loading) maybe he's offering me a job. Except I'm not massively overweight, so I don't know if I'd meet the needs of his clientele. But then I wonder who that clientele might be and then I felt like throwing up my breakfast.

Anyways. He did a bang up job on the article, which I, as your lambwhore and goatslut leader, am telling you to check out. HERE. And Aaron- I live in Wisconsin but like 5 minutes from Minnesota, and even though you don't like chicks I'm glad you like me. You might not meet me, but I might actually be blogging in the bushes near your house. But the fact you think I'm on par with Chelsea Handler? King of the Goat Sluts. I swear to you that if I had like a crown with goats and stuff...I'd give it to you. Or put it in your driveway. Whatever. And he ends by calling me a neglected housewife which I think is a fabulous description which is a great tie in to...

(drum roll, bitches)

My book review of Sascha Rothchild's How To Get Divorced By 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. Now, I need to tell you the reason I bought the book. So about two weeks before my whiner post I was at Barnes and Noble. I'm walking through with Matt and the kids and BAM! This book literally falls at my feet. So obviously because I'm fantastic citizen, I go to pick it up and see the cover.

I'm pretty sure it sang to me. Not only is the cover the fucking hotness as far as looks (because I judge books by covers. Sue me.) but the title? Is my life. I obviously took a picture on my phone and sent it to a few people who all thought I was crazy. So I didn't buy it.

Fast forward to a week ago and while I'm moping around being all pissed off and wanting to spend money on shit I don't need, I thought of the book. So I drove 20 minutes to Barnes and Noble and bought the book. And a Member Rewards card thingie. Whatevers- the cashier was hot and I'm pretty sure I was hypnotized.

So I read this book in two nights flat and Sascha needs to be my marriage coach. The book is broken up into steps on how to get divorced. And it was funny because I related to every chapter.

STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person. By your late 20s, you’ll realize you were merely over-correcting the first person’s flaws and that the one you married is just as wrong for you as the one you didn’t, but in very different ways.

Not only is this step relevant to just my marriage but it's basically describing all three relationships I've had. Another line in the book that struck a chord was "But although fading fervor is normal, there also has to be a little jealously, a little insecurity, and a little possessiveness." And I agree. Totally. I know really, Matt thinks he can't do any better than me, which may or may not be true, so he wouldn't leave. He'd rather settle and be unhappy forever. Now me on the other hand am the opposite. I may never get married again, but by fucking god I have to think it's possible for me to be in a relationship with someone and not dread coming home. I'm not a jealous person but back in the day- if Matt was eyeing up a chick I'd immediately compare myself. Now I'm secretly begging he'd just cheat so I'd have an excuse out and not look like an asshole. I try very hard to have a social life now because I realized that by not having one from age 19-27 I was killing myself. I missed EVERYTHING that 20 something assholes do. I'm not saying I want to be puking and on the verge of death in the bathroom of a seedy bar and wondering where my underwear went. I just would have liked the opportunity. But now when I go out- if Matt is every jealous I have no idea. I have no idea if he feels anything ever because I don't hear about it. I sometimes feel like I have a better emotional relationship with my gay cat than I do my husband.

In all there are 30 steps and each one is funnier and funnier, but more sad. But it's only sad if you are in say, a happy marriage. Or are a newlywed. But if you have hit the 5 year mark in your marriage and wake up 5 out of 7 days hoping that your spouse has moved their stuff out while you were sleeping and left an optional note- you might enjoy this book. If you plan events and kind of hope your spouse backs out so you can bring a kick ass friend and pretend to be hot and single, this book is for you. If you already have at least one marriage under the table by age 30 you will love this book. If you are a guy who never wants to get married you should read this book to know where and when you should start fucking up.

Book Review: Hand of Fate, by Lis Wiehl

What a great book. Normally- I don't know that I would pick this one up if I were out browsing for books. It's part of a series but what's fantastic is that you don't need to read the one that comes before it. It stands on its own.

It's the story of a popular radio talk show host, Jim Fate, who was killed in the studio by a mysterious and poisonous gas. The murder came on the heels of threats and scares of sarin gas and put the city of Portland into a panic. In the aftermath it follows three women, a federal prosecutor, a television anchor woman and an FBI agent who are all friends and all have a connection to Jim Fate and together try to solve his murder.

This book has a ton of twists and turns and really- you have no idea who did it. I thought I figured it out and why, but in the end, I was wrong. It was a page turner and generally very entertaining. It's a good book to read if you are looking to depart from what you usually read.

With that being said, if you want this book- let me know! I will give my copy away to the first person to comment saying "I Want This Book!".

Random Sara and Book Review: ARE YOU THERE VODKA? IT'S ME, CHELSEA by Chelsea Handler

I'm going to be frank. I don't know really what I can say to force you to read this book. This book is a million shades of awesome. I love Chelsea Handler. Chelsea is me in a few years. I am pretty sure that had I not gotten married at 22 and had babies so early this would have been my future. And it would have been amazing. So I am basically going to give a really lame ass review interspersed with quotes from the book.

"...For a woman, being a redhead is a completely acceptable trait. Oftentimes it can be extremely attractive. Conversely, being a redheaded man is pretty much a lose-lose situation. It's incredibly hard to take redheaded men seriously, never mind think of them in any sort of sexual capacity. Obviously, it's not their f...ault that they were born with red hair. However, it is their responsbility to change that hair color once they have access to a convenience store or supermarket. It's one thing to have a harelip, or even a leg that's a couple of inches shorter than the other, but if you're a man with red hair and don't opt to do everything in your power to alter that, then obviously you're not serious about experiencing all life has to offer."

"Red got up and walked out of my bedroom toward the front door. Before he made it out I added one last thing: 'And you might want to think about trimming your bush!' Then I ran back into my room before he could say anything about my beaver.."

This book is hilarious for a lot of reasons other than the fact Chelsea wrote it. First off, she talks about her family's dysfunctional qualities so unabashedly and unapologetically that I only WISH I could do. I have a field of land minds in my family that I could write entire books about. And I'm not even going to touch my in-laws. But what I love about it is when she's interviewed and is blatantly asked how her family feels about this- she's honest when she says they don't care. And that's awesome. Because I'm a firm believer that if you can't make fun of your situation, and see the humor in it, there is something wrong with you. If you can't step back and make fun of yourself or those around you without worrying that you are damaging their self esteem to the point that they may kill themselves, there is something wrong with you. I will tell you if you suck. Sure, I might do it behind your back but if you ask me what my opinion of you is, please be ready for it. It might not be pretty.

Which is what has gone wrong with our society. You wonder why we have people so up in arms about hurting feelings, or being politically correct. Dammit. If you suck you need to know. If you are a rude ass son of a bitch, you need to know. If you are "woe is me" 99% of the time and are driving those around you into alcoholism just to cope with you, you need to know. But don't get it twisted- if you are an awesome person and you are doing kind and great and wonderful things for others, I will tell you that I think you are a million shades of super and I will tell others as well. Because frankly, I'm sick and tired of people being so god damn offended when somebody says something not so nice or points out a flaw of yours. Because guess what? You need to know.

"While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was six- to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach."

The other thing I love about Chelsea and her books is how she openly talks about sex. Now I have not had a ton of sexual partners, only 3 and I'm married to one of them, and so I when I read her books the first thing I think is "Son of a bitch. I just KNEW I should have whored it up." Because I think I'm missing a lot of experience that I really should have. I mean, I have had a lot of whacked out things happen to me with these three men and in my eleven years of sexual activity that I will tell you was NEVER covered in any sex ed, health class, or OB/GYN brochure. Considering I started reading Cosmopolitan a full year after I lost my virginity I was already way behind. And I'm really sorry- but their pictures? Their directions? Maybe I don't have a firm grasp of the English language but NONE of it makes sense to me. Anything super exciting I've ever done in bed has been complete accidents. That thank god I remember how to repeat. But Cosmo has failed me.

"Although I had developed a serious crush on our plumber that year, I wasn't sure that I was ready for penetration. I had seen my very first penis on a porno tape I stole from my brother, and was completely flabbergasted. While I had heard a lot about size and shape of the penis, no one had ever mentioned that there were going to be balls attached to it. Not to mention that there would be two of them, that they would be covered in hair, and that later in life, they would most likely end up smacking you in the face. I'm really glad I got the heads-up when I did, (a) because if I had found myself in bed with someone and see his two little friends headed toward me with no prior warning, I probably would have lodged a formal complaint with Internal Affairs, and (b) because it gave me plenty of time to shop for the perfect-size chin guard".

I also think that Chelsea gives a lot of pertinent, useful and applicable information to men as well in her books.

"...if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis."

I encourage you to check out any of her books. This is her second one, but she also has MY HORIZONTAL LIFE (which is hilarious and makes me angry that I've never had a one night stand) and she has a new one out called CHELSEA, CHELSEA- BANG, BANG which I have and am going to read after I finish up the book I'm on now.

Book Review: WHY YOU SAY IT by Webb Garrison

Before I start my review- let's put up a reminder about the GIVEAWAY happening. Enter or be a loser. Your choice. :)

On with the review! OK so this book was given to me to review through Book Sneeze (link on the right of this post, scroll down a bit). I will tell you that pretty much the only reason I got this book was because of the rubber ducks. And stupid random information I may or may not ever need. I will say that I was just "meh" on the book. If you like to read things that are educational/informational this is for you. If you prefer to read things in novel format, this is not for you. I prefer novel and I don't really like learning late at night since I primarily read before bed so I had a tough time getting through this. BUT this is kind of a fun book to have on a table during a party or whatever. Or if you are one of those that likes to read while pooping, this would be good to have.

The book tells you why we say things such as "moron" "two way street" "lock, stock, and barrel", "ax to grind" etc. Some of them are funny, some are bizarre, and some make no sense to me. Here's an example:

Go Bananas: What makes a person who is normally calm and quiet suddenly "go bananas"? Why do we specify this fruit instead of Granny Smith apples or Bosc pears? No one knows exactly why a person will go wacko in a given situation. But there's a good reason for saying that anyone temporarily out of control has gone bananas. Actions of such a person are a lot like that of a caged monkey in a zoo. The sight of a keeper approaching with a bunch of bananas can make the animal freak out, or go bananas.

Do you feel smarter by reading that? I don't but at least if someone says it I can blurt out this paragraph and sound smart. SCORE.

On a scale I would give this 2 out of 5 stars. Not something I'd see at Barnes and Noble and be like, "'WOW-- I have to have this" but it was mildly entertaining.

If you would like a copy of this, comment on this post with your email address. First one to do so will get the book mailed to them by me, for free. Happy reading (or pooping)!