24 weeks already or is that all?

Depending on who you talk to, me being 24 weeks pregnant either feels like it's flying by or it's at a snail pace. And truly, I flip flop on that as well. I am officially due on August 8, and according to our ultrasound at the last appointment, it's yet another girl.

And I'll take the unpopular road and be honest when I say I'm not super excited. I had really hoped for a boy and it's just not in the cards. It's interesting how I always get the people who remind me I should just be happy with whatever but then I'm a seasoned pro at baby making at this point and I'm able to roll my eyes and keep it moving.

Because bottom line, sometimes people are assholes, and if your personal feeling isn't "normal", it's like involuntary thing to just beat a person down.

Anyways.

24 weeks

Sorry it's a blurry picture, our camera pretty much sucks and Matt isn't great at taking pictures in general. But there we go- I clearly have a bump now. I'm pretty  much the same with every pregnancy bump wise as all of my others. 

Overall I feel fine. I've started having pressure where it feels like I've basically been kicked repeatedly in the vagina. That's super fun. So if you see me walking like I've loaded my pants, it's because it hurts. I don't really have any cravings, and I don't feel the baby move so much. Every once in awhile I get a very light, small movement, but that's it. Which is a bit disappointing. I had been banking on that kind of making me feel connected to this pregnancy but no such luck. I worry about that. I just really, really want to get to a point where I'm excited about this baby. I really want that so badly. 

Anyhoodles. My weight is good, I've only gained six pounds so far which is pretty standard for me. Baby is measuring on target, heartbeat sounds good, my blood pressure is being maintained well with my medication that I'm on anyways, and next appointment is my glucose test which sucks. I hate that. But it's weird because that'll be 28 weeks and that means I start going to the doctor every two weeks, which means this baby is coming FAST. 

I am not at all ready. I am that nut who likes to be over the top ready months in advance and the fact I'm not is really stressing me out. But at the same time, I have zero motivation. I put together a registry on Amazon because Matt wants to try Prime for the free trial, and if I did a registry I could get some kind of baby sample box. Which, yay free stuff. 

I have a toddler bed for Penelope that I will be painting this summer. I also have a dresser that both girls will share since Penelope's current dresser is really too small so there is no way I can get two girls' things in there. So that also will get a snazzy paint job this summer and cleaned out. I really need warmer weather so I can just work on something. 

I was given a double jogging stroller by my in-laws for my birthday, so I'm ready there. Then my over the top, amazing friend Amy got me a double umbrella stroller for my birthday/Mother's Day. Which is going to be so great because the jogging one is pretty large even when folded and takes up the entire back of my mini-van. The umbrella one is going to be so great for trips to the mall, or anywhere I anticipate needing more trunk space. So I'm very grateful that basically my two biggest things are taken care of. I am going to start getting some of the clothes that Penelope outgrew back tomorrow so I will need to figure out what I still need to buy. I anticipate I'll be starting over because the season of clothes I had don't match what I'm going to need so that's kind of frustrating. 

But yeah. That's where I'm at for 24 weeks. I'm kind of all over the place, right? Oy. 

To hell with bills and financial responsibility! We're going on a mini trip!

A sure sign that I have lost all rational thinking is the fact that I am basically snubbing my nose at financial planning and responsibility. A friend of mine asked me the other day why I worried so much about being debt free and being so hunkered down and not doing anything fun and my answer was that I can't afford it. I'm trying to plan for the someday bad thing that will inevitably happen.

Then I got to thinking- planning has done nothing for me. Something always comes up. I am always broke. Somehow, some way, I figure it out and we don't end up homeless. And knowing that we have medical bills out the ass coming, another baby coming, and just the stress of all of that- I decided to stop giving so many fucks.

I'm done.

(Which is hilarious because you know tomorrow I will have a panic attack when I realized I just booked a fully non-refundable trip and I would be out the $279.02.)

OK- honestly, it's under $300 and it isn't that much. Granted, we will be driving like five hours away or something, we'll have to purchase some food, and obviously a souvenir because it's practically a rule, and then we might do something fun on the way home to really poop them out for the drive. So realistically, this will end up being around a $600 trip unless I find some really good deals and gas prices stay low. But plan for the worst, hope for the best is my motto. HA!

So where are we going?

Well my kids have never, ever been to the Wisconsin Dells. It feels wrong to say that because we live in Wisconsin and it seems like all of their friends have gone. We haven't gone to an indoor water park EVER. Not even the one 20 minutes from our house. Mostly because we're poor and I couldn't justify the cost. But these kids have been so damn great with all of the changes we've had this year, are absolute troopers when they realized yet another baby is coming and that means even more changes, and they have helped me tremendously. They didn't even cry when I told them that the road trip to Florida we all thought we would be taking this summer wasn't going to happen and I don't know if it'll even happen next year. They were disappointed but they both told me it was OK and that it's probably best we feed Penelope.

I mean, bless their little hearts. Seriously. I don't know how I have managed to raise two super great kids so far, and that's terrible because I have two more and I really don't know how I did it.

Anyways.

So this is where we are going to spend two nights because mama cannot afford any more than that...

Great Wolf Lodge, Wisconsin Dells!!

We have driven past this a few times. The Dells is this mythical place everyone else gets to go to and the closest we ever came was eating at a restaurant that brings your food out on a train. We spent an OBSCENE amount of money for that experience but they still talk about it years later. But we drive by and look at all of the fun Dells stuff from the vehicle windows. I feel like I need to record their reaction when I tell them that not only do we get to GET OUT OF THE VAN, but we get to stay there!

This tornado water slide thing looks amazing. I'm only kind of bitter I likely won't be able to go on it being ridiculously pregnant. I also doubt either kid will dare to go but I hope Matt does and I can take a picture of his face as he comes out.

MagiQuest? I don't know what it is, but we're DOING IT!

Swimming and relaxing for two full days. Well, probably not me so much because I'll have Penelope but still.

We'll be doing the story time thing, the dance party thing, lunch time crafts, Great Clock Tower show, nature walk, all of it, folks. It might be the best thing my kids have gotten to do aside from Disney. Well no, our South Dakota trip was cheap and amazing too. But they are going to lose their minds when they find out about this. I can hardly wait! So I have basically a month to put some spending money aside. I also want to look for something to do in the Dells before we head home that isn't over the top expensive. I figure we'll check out early, go do fun thing, have lunch somewhere, and then head home so we're home around dinner time since Matt has to work the next day.

EEK!! I am SO excited for this. I don't know if I'll be able to keep a secret from them, they'll know something is up. HA!

The truth about depression.

I know I've posted about my struggles with depression in the past and I always get reassuring messages, texts, and phone calls. I also hear a lot about how we need to talk more openly about depression because there is a stigma around it and there really shouldn't be because so many people suffer from it.

The problem with that is that nobody really wants to because it's awkward and weird. Nobody knows what to say or do when someone they know tells them what it's like each and every day for them.

A friend shared this article on Facebook a few weeks ago and I wasn't going to read it but then I thought oh what the hell. Then I realized how much I could relate to it and I'll be honest, it really scared me.

I will never be that person to say I'm suicidal because I'm not. I have zero interest in taking my own life, that thought has never crossed my mind. I feel too much responsibility for my children and frankly, I feel like I couldn't leave them behind. But there have been plenty of times where sometimes I just wish I wasn't around, you know? The thought of death terrifies me but it would be nice to just... disappear. Not be here. 

Not because I don't have good things in my life, not because I have nothing to be grateful for,but because depression is a cruel disease. It changes the way your brain processes everything. Normally when you tell someone you have depression you get a few responses. Some will try to compare their bad day to yours. Some will try to out do your sadness, out do your situation in the hopes that you'd say, "Oh gee, you have it WAY worse than me!". Some try to crack a joke to lighten the mood, and some will tell you how wonderful, beautiful, great, funny, amazing, insert adjective here you are and that's all well and good. 

Say it until you feel better, until you feel like you're really doing something to help. 

It's not helping me any, but you know, whatever helps you. I wouldn't want you to feel weird around me. 

I have gone to support groups and while I have never experienced the traumas or abuse some of these people have, I have a few defining moments in my life that would bring some people to their knees in sadness. I have been abused. I have suffered a variety of abuse, at different ages, but I don't talk about it because I refuse to let any of that be an excuse for my behavior today. Because today I can make a choice on how I behave. 

The worst part about depression is that often times, we cannot tell you why we feel this way. I have no god damn clue why I want to stay in bed and cry all day every day. No idea. I have a husband who works hard to provide for us. Sure, he sucks in a lot of areas but he's great in so many others and he doesn't abuse me. I have three great kids and one on the way. Compared to some of my friends, my kids are a breeze. I take no credit in that though people think I should. I seriously think I just got lucky. I have no confidence in my own parenting skills because I have no idea what I am doing. I have a home, I have food, I have heat, clothing, all of my basic needs are met. I feel safe and for the most part, loved. I have more than so many people out in the world have and yet.... I am depressed. It is debilitating. I struggle each and every day to put on a happy, functioning, "I am normal" face. 

And it is exhausting. I can see why people say enough is enough. Because there is no end in sight. Sure, we can take medication and it sometimes works. We can change our diet and exercise, and work on self care and all of that and it sometimes works. Most of the time it doesn't. We don't want a band aid, we want it to go away completely. 

If you don't understand what it's like to be in the thick of every day life and crying on the floor wanting it to be over? 

Be so grateful. 

I've tried talking to a few friends about things because I'm told if I talk to someone it'll help. Most of the time I just scare them and they cry. I'm not trying to scare people and make them cry, but I'm describing what I'm feeling on the inside and what my daily life is like. 

The most common question I get is, "What can I do?" and my answer is that I don't know. Because if I knew, wouldn't I have already done it? Seriously. I'm all about self help and pulling yourself up. If I knew what I needed, I would have already done it. I'm not in any kind of mental capacity to tell someone what I need, I have no idea what I need. I need someone to just take the damn wheel. But then I feel guilty and useless. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Pathetic. 

And I know I'll get responses to this telling me how great I am. I know people mean well and I try to just smile and nod but I wish you knew that it means nothing because it's like my brain cannot absorb that information. They say actions are louder than words which is why I have always tried to do random acts of kindness for friends and people I know because I firmly believe people need that kind of thing in life. I am lucky, and grateful, that I have a few people that have done some incredibly nice things for me as of late and I can't tell you what that means to me. And it also makes me sad at the same time to think that others think I'm losing it and are trying to be nice about it. Depression is funny like that. 

So I'm just treading water. I'm hanging in there. I'm hopeful that someday it won't be this bad. That I'll have more good days than bad. I'm trying to not think about the very real possibility that this will all get worse once baby four comes. I'm trying to focus on good things every day and catch myself when I start crying for no reason. I just wish that people who don't suffer from depression really could get it. Could fully understand what this feels like. To be in such a dark hole that even the good things seem bad. Finding no joy in your favorite things and most importantly, wanting to just be done. I honestly feel like depression is something we have to figure out for ourselves. I have to find my own way out of the fog but man... it's tough. 

Having pets is not the same as having children. There, I said it.

I'll admit, I think dealing with crushing depression has made me more of a quiet person. I used to be pretty outspoken and snarky and I don't know, maybe it's depression. Maybe it's aging, maybe it's me losing faith in humanity as a whole but I don't usually care enough about anything to really give a damn.

But I will tell you what- if I hear from one more person trying to be sympathetic with my absolute exhaustion and stress levels that they can totally relate because they have fur babies? I will likely land in jail. I just know it.

And listen, I have pets. I have a dog (Twinky, a morkie) and four cats (Stumpy, Batman, Lola, and Ginger) so I fully understand how frustrating they can be, how time consuming they can be, and how when they get sick your heart hurts. I totally get it. When I had to put Lenny down years ago, I cried hard for days because I just loved that weird little cat.

But you don't know exhaustion until you become a parent. There is a real reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture technique because lack of sleep will screw with you in ways you cannot even imagine. I was so tired at one point after Penelope was born that I legit thought there were cows all over the road while driving the kids to school. No, I am not joking. I thought cows were darting out in front of me and I kept slamming on my brakes. How we made it school, I will never know. But I hadn't slept for 36 hours straight at that point and I couldn't even nap when she did because I didn't think I'd wake up when she did. Once I'm out, I'm (usually) out, especially when I'm that tired.

I read this article on HuffPost yesterday and it is so on point that I feel compelled to share it. The points raised in the article are done well and with humor, but some of the points I know non-parents would brush off or try to draw similarities. Which, legitimately, you could depending on the level of your pets and their particular needs.

But here's the thing- it really never stops. I can leave my cats and dog after I have fed and watered them, taken the dog out to pee. I know that they are not going to die or seriously hurt themselves. Let's be honest- they are laying down and walking on things they aren't allowed to when I'm there and that's fine. I'll be none the wiser and they are happy little clams. If I left Penelope to go to the store I would land in jail for child neglect, as I should.

I haven't been able to grocery shop alone in MONTHS. If I decided I want to go run errands oh no- I can't do that. I have to time it around naps, feedings, and changing her, not to mention gauging the mood. But even then- that doesn't always work because I have to get the older kids from school on time. If I'm lucky, and everything goes as planned, I have a 45 minute window each day to get all of my errands done.

I can no longer eat alone. Sure, it's kind of adorable to have Penelope grabbing at my legs and looking at me wanting all of the love in the world. Her smiley face melts my heart and I want to give her whatever she's asking for.

But I'm also really fucking hungry because I get, on average, one meal a day and it isn't even hot. I am pregnant and want to eat all of the things and I can't because this child is demanding. I feel like a bad ass if I eat breakfast. Like I have won the daily lottery and I feel like I can literally tackle anything that comes at me if I eat breakfast. It happens, maybe, once a week. I'll be honest, sometimes I let her cry it out so I can eat my piece of toast. That's right- I'm that asshole mom who has to eat because her blood sugar is screaming while my baby is really screaming.

Let's not even mention the fact I'm trying, every single day, to parent these children into respectful, kind, responsible people. It's fucking DIFFICULT. You never know if you're doing a good job or if you're really screwing them up and they'll end up serial killers. I know that I was that person before having kids who always knew what I would or wouldn't do, "my kids would never", and I could easily point out what those parents were clearly doing wrong. It's funny, it seems like the people without kids have all of the answers and know exactly what the rest of us should be doing.

Then I had Olivia and I suddenly realized I have no idea what I'm doing, these kids don't come with manuals, and nobody can really help you. You get plenty of advice but nothing really helps. Nobody is there with you at 2 a.m. when your baby will not stop crying, go to sleep, eat, nothing. It's hard to remember that this screaming tiny human is supposed to be a blessing and that this is the most rewarding job we'll supposedly ever have. That these are the best years of our lives. That we'll ever be ourselves ever again.

Parenting can be rewarding. It can be a blessing. It can be all of those wonderful moments that you remember later on and you miss the sweet smell of a fresh bathed baby, or the smell of their skin as you rock them against your chest. The way your heart squeezes when they cling to you and squeeze your finger and want only you because only you can make them feel better.

A pet parent doesn't lose their identity. They don't know what it's like to get up every ten minutes for no god damn reason. To be feeding a human at ungodly hours only to be vomited on. To try to do this as your boobs are leaking for no reason, your vagina is pushing out blood clots the size of your hand and you can't just pee- oh no. You have to pee (or poop) and fill a squeeze bottle to clean yourself (at least for the first few weeks if you delivered vaginally) and hold an infant at the same time. Maybe even feeding them at the same time. Not showering for days.

Fun fact- do you know how many bottles of dry shampoo I got for my birthday? Ten. I'm trying to not take offense by this because let's be honest- I get to wash my hair once a week right now. To be pregnant with a baby and two older kids is sucking every last bit of me out.

I'm not trying to say pet parenting doesn't have it's challenges, it absolutely does. (I swear, if Twinky eats one more pair of underwear I will give up on them all together. I'm serious.) But I find that, especially as my kids get older, I really feel more and more unsure of what I'm doing. At least with an infant I knew my goal was to just keep them alive. Now as they get older and they have problems at school and questions about life and their bodies, it becomes more and more clear at how incredibly difficult parenting is. I'm really struggling and my fear is that I will screw them up. I am 100% responsible for how they end up. It's a lot of pressure. You just figure it'll come naturally and it just doesn't.

I'd like to think that eventually I'll not feel like I'm on the brink of a panic attack all of the time. I'm told by friends with children who are grown and gone that no, that doesn't  happen. Not really. Your worries for them just change. Super. A lifetime of stress, guilt, panic attacks, worry, and all of the good stuff too.

Lords of the Underworld 1 & 2

YOU GUYS. I want you to know that I am so freaking disgusted with myself that I didn't know about this series before now, and that I only have books one and two. Basically, these two books consumed three days of  my life. No laundry, the baby wasn't bathed, I haven't showered and I am ashamed to tell you I wore the same outfit two days in a row.

I have become a disgusting, unclean person and it is fully Gena Showalter's fault.

The Darkest Night

All her life, Ashlyn Darrow has been tormented by voices from the past. To end the nightmare, she has come to Budapest seeking help from men rumored to have supernatural abilities, not knowing she'll be swept into the arms of Maddox, their most dangerous member -- a man trapped in a hell of his own.

Neither can resist the instant hunger than calms their torments... and ignites an irresistible passion. But every heated touch and burning kiss will edge them closer to destruction -- and a soul-shattering test of love...

Though they carry an eternal curse, the Lords of the Underworld are irresistibly seductive -- and unimaginably powerful...

I have to tell you that I am a huge fan of paranormal romance anyways so as soon as I was able to review this, I absolutely jumped.

AND THANK GOD.

The sex scenes in this book will blow you away. I'm just saying that even if you aren't a fan of paranormal romance, it might be worth trying out just because Gena knows what the hell she is doing. Hot damn.

Anyways.

So this book is where we meet Maddox, who harbors the demon Violence in him as part of a curse involving Pandora's Box. We get the back story of that and we meet a lot of the other Lords of the Underworld in this book, who I assume will all get their own stories within this series. Anyways. So Maddox also dies every night and is escorted to Hell, and comes back in the morning in rough shape and the cycle repeats every night. Ashlyn has her own issues because she can hear voices and she is certain one of the mysterious "angels" on the hill can help her, and that's how she inadvertently meets Maddox. Curiously, her voices disappear around him and he is discovering, reluctantly, that she calms the demon inside of him. Which makes it seem like each one of these Lords will have to essentially find their "match" and that will somehow break them of their curse. I won't give any more away but it was a damn good book and I was immediately hooked on this entire series by chapter five.

The Darkest Kiss 

Though she has lived for centuries, Anya, goddess of Anarchy, has never known pleasure. Until Lucien, the incarnation of death--a warrior eternally doomed to take souls to the hereafter. He draws her like no other. And Anya will risk anything to have him.

But when the merciless Lord of the Underworld is ordered by the gods to claim Anya herself, their uncontrollable attraction becomes an anguished pursuit. Now they must defeat the unconquerable forces that control them, before their thirst for one another demands a sacrifice of love beyond imagining...

In this book we follow Lucien, who has the demon of Death inside of him. We originally meet him in book one as he is the Lord of the Underworld responsible for carrying souls to Hell, and he takes Maddox every night. We also get just a teaser about him in book one, we learn he's scarred to the point of disfigurement but we don't know how and it's essentially a mystery. Until book two, of course.

The only thing about this book I didn't love was Anya. Anya is the goddess of Anarchy who basically is rebelling against her father and the Titans (who overthrew the Gods in book one) and helped the Lords of the Underworld in book one, and freeing Maddox of his curse, but also helping Lucien and Reyes because they were connected with Maddox's curse.

Anyways. I feel like Anya was set up kind of like a slutty brat right from the start of this book and while she does redeem herself once you know her story and how she is basically Lucien's match.... she is so hard to like. But even with that I have to say.... I liked this book better than book one which is saying a lot because I absolutely loved book one. Honestly, it's probably Lucien that does it for me because he's so lonely and he's absolutely certain nobody could possibly find him attractive, yet alone love him, based on how he looks. Anya sees beyond that and it takes so much to convince him of that but the journey to that point is SO great. Also great are the sex scenes between them - absolutely on point.

I am so annoyed I have to wait until Matt gets paid on the 21st before I can order the rest of these. I am absolutely hooked and I want anything and everything by Gena Showalter.

For some reason I can't make the embed code work here, but there is a HUGE giveaway happening right now that ends on April 22 for a complete signed copy of the whole series. You can go HERE to enter. (Or not because I want to win.) In the meantime, visit Gena on Facebook, Twitter, and on her webpage!

The Heartless City

You know how sometimes you just need to take a chance on a book, and then you are SO GLAD that you did? This is one of those times.

The Heartless City - Andrea Berthot

Henry Jekyll was a brilliant doctor, a passionate idealist who aimed to free mankind of selfishness and vice. He’s also the man who carelessly created a race of monsters.

Once shared secretly among the good doctor's inner circle, the Hyde drug was smuggled into mass-production - but in pill form, it corrupted its users at the genetic level, leaving them liable to transform without warning. A quarter of the population are now clandestine killers – ticking bombs that could detonate at any given moment.

It's 1903, and London has been quarantined for thirteen years.

Son of the city's most prominent physician and cure-seeker, seventeen-year-old Elliot Morrissey has had his own devastating brush with science, downing a potion meant to remove his human weaknesses and strengthen him against the Hydes - and finding instead he's become an empath, leveled by the emotions of a dying city.

He finds an unlikely ally in Iris Faye, a waitress at one of the city's rowdier music halls, whose emotions nearly blind him; her fearlessness is a beacon in a city rife with terror. Iris, however, is more than what she seems, and reveals a mission to bring down the establishment that has crippled the people of London.

Together, they aim to discover who's really pulling the strings in Jekyll's wake, and why citizens are waking up in the street infected, with no memory of ever having taken the Hyde drug...

Heart-eating monsters, it turns out, are not the greatest evil they must face. 

When I first got an email asking if I wanted to review this, I wasn't totally sold. I'm fascinated by the original Jekyll and Hyde story and this is a bit of a play on it, so I thought this could either be really well done or a complete hot mess. Lucky for us all, this was so great. I really, really enjoyed this. Also in the email it was mentioned that this is the first in the Gold & Gaslight Chronicles and I was pretty sure this was going to leave us on a cliffhanger, but it doesn't! I was pleasantly surprised that the cast of characters we meet in this book will (most likely) have their own stories. So of course I had to do some digging and it looks like book two will follow Philomena to New York City and I am already anxiously awaiting that story as part of this YA historical fantasy series.

What we really need to do is talk about this book though, which was so good. It's only 239 pages and I promise you will fly through it because you will be hooked on page one. The story really begins with Virginia Carroll, who back in 1890, was an aspiring student in pursuit to becoming a doctor. She gets the chance of a lifetime to leave quiet Kansas behind and go to London to study under the prestigious Henry Jekyll. Henry's goal was basically to separate the good and evil from a person to basically create a race of humans who only know compassion. Unfortunately, we all know that didn't work out and what he actually created were a race of creatures known as Hydes. Hydes would transform into ravenous beasts and kill without discretion and their food source was live human hearts. Of course once this gets out of hand, London is then quarantined, the Royal family leaves but they leave Lord Mayor Harlan Branch in charge to handle the situation, look for a cure, and eradicate the population of Hydes.

Fast forward to 1905. Virginia is in hiding but we see that her small daughter Iris is seemingly all grown up. She is tired of being in hiding and wants so desperately to bring down Lord Mayor because she knows what his true desire is: ultimate power. She knows he has no intentions of eradicating the Hyde population because he would then no longer be in power, so she is in pursuit of a way to prove this and have the people of London fight back.

Seemingly out of nowhere, she meets Lord Mayor's son, Cam, and his best friend Elliot. What she doesn't know is that neither of these boys are anything like Lord Mayor, specifically Elliot, who know is an empath and cannot control himself around the feelings of others.

I can't tell you much about what happens after that because it would give away the ending and you would really be angry if I did that. Once long buried truths are revealed, true intentions are visible, and everything is out in the open- woah doggy. It's so great. We have a love story, well two actually, and it's not overwhelming. It doesn't take over the book but it's really what drives the characters forward.

I absolutely loved this book. I am totally all in for the rest of this series, if they are even half as good as The Heartless City, we have winners all around. I cannot say enough about this book. You can buy your own copy of The Heartless City on both Amazon as well as Barnes & Noble. I'm not even a fan of historical fantasy usually, but this was so good and I really would recommend it to anyone.

That moment when you realize you are just house staff.

Every weekend I go into it feeling like I'm really going to get stuff DONE. I'm going to kick my to-do list's ass and I'm going to go into Monday bored because I will have already accomplished everything I needed to do.

Then Monday comes and I'm so grateful to have the kids back at school and Matt back at work. Not that I don't love them, because I do, but because by Sunday evening I realize that I might be mom and wife, but my most important role is that of house staff. I think they see me more as a maid, cook, and servant, and I'm not totally sure when this weird change has happened.

Don't get me wrong- it's not like I wait on people hand and foot because they know exactly where my foot will land if they ask. The kids have a pretty lengthy chore list and I'm pretty strict as far as not being a lazy ass all day. Yes, weekends are meant for relaxing but it's also the only time I really get help with the bigger things and frankly? I don't get a weekend. I don't get time off. People see me sitting down and then I get, "So, are you making supper?" or "Do you want me to bring laundry down?".

No bitches. I want you to be quiet and leave me alone for an hour. I'm asking for an hour a week. It's hardly selfish.

Things were particularly tense in the Strand house this weekend when on Saturday I finally lost it. Not so much with the kids because if I'm being honest, they were so great this weekend. They did their chores without me begging, they offered to help with other things, on Saturday morning they actually got Penelope out of her crib and brought her downstairs to watch cartoons so I could sleep for an extra half hour.

All super awesome, wonderful things.

The problem is Matt. I honestly think he believes that I sit at home all week with Penelope doing nothing. I sit with my feet up in the recliner, playing Candy Crush on my phone, watching show after show on Netflix, and I just chill all day every day. I think he gets that impression because that's basically what he does every second he is at home.

And before someone berates me for putting him down because he wants to relax after working 12-14 hour days- just stop it. I get that he works longs hours. I do, I appreciate it, I'm lucky he has a job and provides for his family.

It's just that I do, as well. I don't get paid and I don't have benefits or any kind of perks, but I work just as many hours, if not more, than him each and every day. I bust my ass all day. The reason this house is clean, we have food, we're able to eat the food, everyone has clean clothes, everyone is able to get where they need to be, and all of that? That's me. It's all me.

I keep trying to tell Matt I envy the fact he gets to leave the house. My life has now been reduced to being excited about needing laundry detergent and (finally!!) having a reason to leave the house. It's such a big deal that I spend 20 minutes during Penelope's nap putting on clean clothes, brushing my hair, putting makeup on, and actually make it feel like I'm going on a big outing. That's what it's come down to.

I'm excited about Walmart.

Don't even get me started on days I get to go to Target. Going to Target has now become like going to church the two times a year you really should, Christmas and Easter. Target is my church. I wear nice shoes and good underwear because the Duluth Target's parking lot is so bad I might actually need an ambulance after being hit by an inattentive driver. I try to prepare because no respectable person goes to Target with three day old underwear and no makeup.

I mean, come on.

But this weekend I really had it out with Matt. I get so frustrated that I have to tell him that he can't play games on his phone, and that if he wants Penelope to stop crying and grabbing at his phone, he needs to get on the floor and play with her. He's a super intelligent guy but honestly, he's the dumbest person I know when it comes to human interaction. He's actually the worst. Every day I stare at him thinking he probably really does have Asperger's because there has to be an explanation other than he's an asshole. I hate to think he chooses to be this way.

Anyways.

He said nothing. As usual. I honestly don't know why I even bother to talk to him, it's not like he retains anything or even cares to change things up a bit. But I swear to god, one of these days that damn phone is going to be missing and he's going to go through withdraw and it won't be good. I just wish my family would treat me better. It's not like I don't go above and beyond to make happy, safe lives for them. I really try hard. I have to ask, beg, and then plead with anyone to just do something without me asking. It never happens and for that next hour everyone is on their best behavior, hurriedly running around the house getting things done as if in a show to prove to me that they do indeed do something around the house. I'm at the point where I refuse to give accolades for doing anything because honestly, if I have to tell you, then beg, then lose my shit? You don't deserve praise. Be grateful we didn't all land on the news.