Stop crying your heart out.

I feel like I've hit an actual wall. I don't know what's going on with my depression but it has flared up and I'm really struggling.

I don't blame the quarantine or coronavirus so much, though that has had an impact. I think this is just how life is now for me and to be frank, I'm sick of it. I am tired of treading water only to keep being overwhelmed by waves.

I really miss every day, every week, every year that I took for granted. All of that time where I had good days and things were OK. Even on my worst days I felt better than I do know. I don't know why everything feels amplified. I can feel a huge difference if I forget to take my medication, so I know that it is working. I'm at the highest doses possible. I'm starting to wonder if I'll have to just deal with awful medication side effects to feel better.

I haven't been sleeping. That's been a thing for awhile. Don't come at me with your melatonin, I can't take it with my other medications. I hardly eat at all. If I do it's just munching on something but not enough to be considered a meal. Even if I do sit down for a meal I can't taste it and I lose my appetite immediately. I am so tired the entire day. I have such a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. A lot of mornings I cry because I just can't do another day.

Is it ironic that it's the week of Mother's Day and I feel like the worst mom? I have to rely on Olivia and Jackson so much and I hate it. I feel like I'm stealing their childhood away. Granted, its less time on YouTube and video games for them, but still. They didn't ask for this. I love them so much and I have no idea what life would be like without them.

I feel terrible for Penelope and Lucy because they won't know a happy mom, excited to take them to a park. I love them so much but god help me, my days are so long and so hard right now.

I am lucky I have family that care. I am lucky to have friends who check on me. I have a support system when so many people don't.

I just feel so tired and I don't know what I would even say. I was thinking about that earlier, if I had to list three things that are at the top of my bubbling emotions, I have no idea what I would say. I can't even tell people what it is that is bringing me down. Things like this make me feel like I no longer have control over my mind. I can list all of the things I feel but none of it is different from yesterday. Or last year. It's always the same and I'm so tired of it.

Oh well. It's only Tuesday. One day.

It can always be worse.

Book Review: Advice I Ignored

If you know me at all, or have been a reader for awhile, you know that I have depression. I have a lot of other things, but depression is pretty awful. For the longest time I really thought that this all started after I had Olivia and began as post-partum depression that just never really got better and morphed over time. Being in therapy the last three years has taught me that definitely isn't how it happened but rather, I've had this for a major portion of my life, certainly going back to my teen years. I think if I knew that I had depression way back then, or anyone ever thought to really ask me some questions, maybe the adult portion of my life would have gone in a drastically different direction.

We'll certainly never know, but if you are a parent of a teenage (or tween) child(ren), this would be maybe a helpful read for not just your teen but you as well.

Advice I Ignored - Ruby Walker

When Ruby Walker was fifteen, she went from a numb, silent, miserable high school dropout to a joyous loudmouth in one year flat. Advice I Ignored answers the question everyone's been asking her since: What happened? In ten illustrated chapters, you'll learn how to:

get out from under self-hatred

gain a sense of free will

deal with failure without falling apart

create your way through an existential crisis

use exercise to beg your brain for endorphins

have an identity beyond "sad"

and more!

Full of embarrassing stories, honest advice, and fierce hope, Advice I Ignored is a self-help book for people who hate help. And themselves.

While this is certainly a non-fiction book, it certainly can't be labeled as long and boring, over doing it on the dry reporting of what you really should have done in life. Instead, this is a young woman reflecting on her youth and realizing that while not all of the uninvited advice over the years was valuable, some of it turned out to be pretty useful once she decided to apply it.

I won't tell you that reading this is going to suddenly be the light bulb that lights the dark room you're living in. It's like that meme that is like, "When someone tells you to cheer up and I say, 'wow, Karen- thanks, I never tried that.'", while parts of this book were solid things to stop and think about, there are other parts that felt like that annoying yoga instructor telling you if you just sat in the sun longer and appreciated birds you'd feel better.

I really liked how she really focuses on self esteem and how it's OK to take up space. It's not OK to put others down, certainly, but that same thing needs to apply to ourselves. Whether we do it as a joke or not, we can't put ourselves down. Her example of whether she would say it to her best friend or not was a pretty easy way to teach this concept to middle school and high school children. If she wouldn't, she absolutely couldn't say it to or about herself. We can tell each other we have to love ourselves all day but nobody really tells you how. Well it starts with not talking about yourself like garbage. Even if you're alone. Even if it is a joke. It isn't even OK to be cruel in the name of honesty.

Throughout the book we learn a lot about the author and some of her struggles, and there is a section about her assault and it struck me then that I really related to a lot of it and have almost an identical story to tell and I know that as an adult, a lot of my intimacy issues stem from that. Not just that, but insecurities of people noticing me. Complimenting me, asking me out, everything always makes me feel like something else is coming and that I couldn't just earn a compliment. A compliment was a borrowed gift, kind of.

Overall? I would give this a solid 3 stars. It was pretty interesting, definitely a fast read. It has illustrations from the author that connect with her stories and information. I think the only downside for me was the lecture on exercise. Even though the author talked about her own health related obstacles, it almost feels like she didn't recognize that some people can't exercise to the level of having endorphins released if they still want to move the next day at all. I appreciate the benefits of exercise and I know in another life time I would have been waving that flag, but I also know if one more person tells me to exercise they will be the reason I go to jail.

I really do think this would be an excellent book to give to a teenager who may be experiencing depression, or just a difficult time in general. I do think it is a pertinent read for parents because the book does detail some behaviors that seem funny or harmless but are really detrimental for a child/teen's mental health and it might be the time to really check in with them.

Thank you to the author and PR By the Book for having me on this tour and providing a copy for review.

   

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Books That Should Be On Your Radar

I've been meaning to post a lot of these sooner but moving had them in boxes but guess what? They are free from their dark cardboard dungeon! Let's talk about them!

Gotham High - Melissa de la Cruz
No surprise here that this is a great book, Melissa de la Cruz consistently brings us great stuff, and always with a little twist. In this one she partners with DC Comics and illustrator Thomas Pitilli and together they give us a young adult graphic novel. Now, I know some of you are rolling your eyes but this was actually really interesting and fun. Not to mention, its an incredibly fast read! It gives us the younger versions of Batman, Catwoman, and The Joker slogging their way through the doldrums of high school. If you are a fan of Riverdale or even Gossip Girl, you'll enjoy this one and your teen will, too!

Close Your Eyes - Darren O'Sullivan
I gave this one five stars because it was pretty great. We have a man who clearly is having memory loss issues (something I deal with daily) after waking up from a coma. Years later someone is demanding he find something that he apparently stole, except this guy has NO idea what they are talking about. I think this was compared to Gillian Flynn novels and that is pretty accurate, the twist at the end had me shrieking. 

The Sound of Stars - Alechia Dow
To be honest, I'm only half way through this but I really love it. I think my daughter is itching to get to this one herself. A really interesting dystopian/sci-fi young adult book has a teen girl named Ellie being helped by a lab created AI named Morris to basically save the world. It really reminds me of a modern version of Fahrenheit 451, where books are illegal and destroyed. In this one it is books and music, basically art in general. Its really interesting and strange but if you want something different from what you usually grab, this is the one to do that with. 

What I Want You To See - Catherine Linka
Easily one of the prettiest and coolest covers I've gotten this year so far. I read this one a few months ago, so did my daughter, and she really enjoyed it. This one centers around a high school graduate heading to art school who finds out higher education isn't like what the brochures sell you on. She realizes that it is competitive and nobody is really your friend, even the teachers who are meant to guide you along. She inadvertently finds herself in the middle of a crime and nobody to really help her. Again, this one is YA but adults will enjoyed this one a lot too. Definitely an interesting one if you have a teen interested in art. 

The Last Letter From Juliet - Melanie Hudson
I know I'm not the biggest historical fiction fan but sometimes on sounds so good I have to give it a try, and I am so glad I did. Yes, this is a WWII book and I don't know about you but it feels like there are SO many in the market right now. I'm not going to say much because this one had me misty eyed at the end and I think I read the last third in one sitting because it was beautiful. So far, this has been my favorite historical fiction of the year and it will likely make my top ten list for the year.

Little White Lies - Philippa East
Oh guys. One of my worst fears is for myself to be kidnapped, but also having one of my children abducted. In this one we have a young girl abducted but is found seven years later. By this time she's a teenager and not only do we find out exactly what happened to her during her time away, but her mom has some confessions of her own and basically she's trying to bond with her daughter again but also find out if her daughter really remembers all of the details from the day she disappeared. It started a little slow for me but once it got moving I really enjoyed this one.

Alright guys, I think that's all I have for right now. I have so many review books coming up (mostly romance) but I spent the last of my gift cards on books that were specifically NOT romance just to shake things up a bit.

Have you read any good ones I haven't read yet? Let me know because I have room for more books!

Penelope is FIVE.

I don't remember a whole lot from my pregnancy with Penelope, but I remember being so excited she was coming. The last couple of weeks were rough, but on the day she was born I was ready. And at 10:52 p.m. Penelope was here.

She was the largest (and still is) baby I've birthed but I think her birth was my favorite one. I had the most fun during that, which is odd to say, but its true. I know I had post-partum depression and really struggled being alone at home with her. By the time she was six months old I was already pregnant with Lucy and that was really tough. 

Penelope is easily, hands down, the hardest child I have. She isn't bad or anything, she just challenges me in way none of the other kids do. And that's OK. By the time she was one year old she was absolutely certain what she would and would not eat, cupcakes and other baked goods were always acceptable. She was walking, babbling away, and had the softest hair. 

Age two was rough but she really developed her personality. I think this was a hard year for her because just when she really needed a lot of attention and support, Lucy was born and kind of stole her thunder. Penelope has always made sure we knew she needed love too, and even now she will say, "I need some loving, too." and I love that about her. I love that she is always able to tell us exactly what she needs. 

By three we learned she is for sure left handed, loves art, and is incredibly smart. She started a 3K program and did so very well. We also learned that she is terribly shy, which was bizarre for us because she is the exact opposite at home. She's bossy and demanding here, totally quiet at school. 

Four was a pretty great year for her. Challenging a lot of the time but man. She is such a neat kid. She always brings me to the brink of insanity but always makes me laugh, too. She really is so stinking smart, and it's obvious her brain works differently. I feel like she really is the classic middle child a lot of days but when she gets in the zone, she's a dynamo. 

She doesn't listen worth a dang at home though. She tests boundaries far more than any other kid and when she decides she wants to do something, she will do it. Traits that will be great as an adult, but also really awful as a four year old who has no issues running into a road. This was the year a fence went up in the yard. Ha! 

She looks like me so much and it's so great to really have a mini-me. My mom says I was just like Penelope and if that's true I'm so sorry, mom! But also, how lucky were you to get me? ;) 

Her favorite things are candy, swimming in the pool, being outside, jumping and running like a maniac, 

Trolls, princesses, playing dress up, and UNICORNS. In 4K this year she got to pick one of the animal units and she picked unicorn. Her teacher is so amazing that she absolutely went with it and Penelope was so incredibly happy. We also learned that what we thought was just normal shy is a bit more. She's really painfully shy and it was heartbreaking to see her on the playground at school, in tears, holding her teacher's hand. Her teacher said it seems like it is really a fear of rejection that holds her back. Which bums me out because she's such a cool little kid. 

Having her turn five seems so weird to me. A lot of the times I feel like I missed so much with her because I'm trying to treasure my time with Olivia and Jackson, but also Lucy because she's my absolute last, and Penelope gets shuffled along. I don't know how parents of more than four kids do this and feel like everyone is getting an even amount of attention.

I tell Penelope every day that she is my favorite Penelope in all the land, that if there were a million Penelope's, she would be my very favorite. I give her lots of hugs, snuggles, and kisses. I am trying so hard with her. I hope she knows that. 💗

It would've been a good week.

I haven't really looked at the calendar much except to stay on top of book reviews because everything is obviously cancelled. It really hasn't been a big deal because we don't do much, but this was supposed to be a big week.

• Olivia would have had high school transition night yesterday. She is going to be a freshman next year and I'm so nervous and excited at the same time, and I know she is too. I think she was looking forward to that just to learn more about high school and ask questions to calm her nerves. She's like me in that way, she wants to be as prepared as she can ahead of time and it helps. 
• Today would have been Penelope's spring concert at school. I was going to buy her a cute spring dress to wear and she was going to sing some songs, probably have a family craft day afterwards like for the holiday concert. 
• Tomorrow Penelope turns FIVE, if you can believe it, and no pandemic can cancel that so we'll still celebrate. 
• Olivia would be having her final middle school band concert on Thursday. She was looking forward to that too and her songs sound amazing. I think this is the first of a few things she's sad about as she closes out her time at middle school. 
• Friday would have been big, Penelope should have been going to Kindergarten Round Up. She would be meeting teachers and seeing classrooms. Maybe doing a craft alongside some other kids. It would help her be less scared when we (hopefully) start in the fall again. 
• Sunday would have been a finale practice for Olivia's dance recital. The recital would have happened on May 9th, but the show I know she worked so hard for is cancelled. Well, they are doing some kind of performance on Zoom and its going to be lame and she likely can't even do it because we have zero room in the house to do it. We get zero internet in the yard so that's out. I'm so angry that our costumes can't be used next year which is a whole other thing, and Matt is livid that we're expected to shell hundreds of dollars for more costumes when we didn't get to wear these. I get it. Sigh. 

Some good things, though: 

• Penelope turns five tomorrow and I'm so excited. She has been counting down for months and her little brain just about exploded when she realized tomorrow is the day! We have a cake for her, some presents for her, and some ice cream, of course. I think a couple of friends are going to drop something on the porch for her, too. She was really bummed that she can't be the birthday star in her little 4K class, but her teacher DID mail her a little card and she was so excited and as she put it, had "happy tears". 
• My library/craft space/office is amazing. I know I keep talking about it but truly, it is so amazing and I'm so grateful and I thank my lucky stars Matt is so great at everything. 
• Its getting warmer, which means I can walk outside more often. I am hoping I can find my winter hat and just got now. (It's still chilly and my ears get too cold.)
• Twinky got to go to the groomers and thank goodness because I think he was just as nervous as I was when I told him I was going to try to give him a hair cut. 

I'm trying to write out the good and the bad every day. It's OK to get the bad out there as long as I don't dwell on it and I am able to throw up some good there, too. I hope you have some good happening, too. 

Weeds, weight loss, hair loss, over it

Let's just do a week/weekend roundup. I'm trying really hard to take more pictures of our day to day life because what if this becomes like the 1918-1920 flu pandemic and people want our souvenirs for museums one day? I don't know what I'd even give them. Maybe I'll save an empty container of Lysol wipes and my masks.

What would you save??

Anyways, it seems like forever since I posted about having to lose weight and I bet you thought I feel off that wagon but nope. I'm still bumping along the road. For the most part I make good food choices but I'm honestly never hungry. Since having my gall bladder taken out I have lost all appetite. Not only that but anytime I do eat anything (or drink something other than water), it becomes a repeat of the Linzess situation and I just can't live like that.

It isn't even reasonable.

I've eaten quite a few salads and I just have to ask, and maybe I'm an idiot, but why do they put weeds in it? WHAT IS THAT? It looks like the weeds that grow in your yard that you spray chemicals on so they go away. Seriously. I asked Matt and he almost choked on a crouton laughing at me. 

In other news, Lucy has taken to reading to her baby dolls. Well, she comes up with her own colorful story but it is always hilarious, especially when she tells the doll to settle down. 

The girls got to wear swim suits for dance (via Zoom) and its clear we need to get some new ones. Well, I'll buy one for Pep and then Lucy will get Penelope's old ones. This week is pajama week I think, AND it will be on Penelope's birthday!

A few things here: 1. I hate telehealth doctor appointments. I hate them. I don't even Facetime people because I had all video calls. Strongly dislike. 2. I can't remember if I told you I'm losing hair. Like, a LOT OF HAIR. If you know me in real life you know that I have VERY thick hair that is normally curly/wavy (I usually straighten it because its easier for me to maintain day to day). You can kind of tell in the photo that my hairline is receding. I'll have to get a better photo, but my hair is half the thickness it used to be.  Half.

I'm 95% sure it is from taking Arava for my rheumatoid arthritis, so I've stopped taking it. It's been about three weeks now and the loss isn't near as bad as it was, so I'm hopeful it'll grow back some? The doctor tried to tell me that isn't a side effect but it clearly is but ALSO, it turned out to be why my mom doesn't take it. So clearly I'm not nuts.

Oh yes, my neighbor snow blows his grass, apparently. I do feel like there is more action/more people doing stuff outside in this neighborhood than my last, so that has been fun. Olivia and Jackson helped Penelope and Lucy ride their bikes down the street and some guy was cheering them on and honking his horn. 

We also had our first freezies of the year. It was chilly so Penelope and Lucy had to put theirs in oven mitts to hang onto them but still, its a win. (Notice Penelope's shoes are on the wrong feet?)

You can also see Olivia trying to give Twinky some of hers but I'm not sure if he likes cold things so much. 

Jackson being an absolute dork. He's really been helping me with hauling things out of the house or bringing things from the garage to the house so that's been nice. 

Matt and I have been trying to go on lunch dates on the weekends because we really need to spend some kid free time together (it is a priority of ours this year) to de-stress. I saw on Instagram that one of our favorites, Chilly Billy's was open with very limited hours so we went and it was fantastic!

It was even sunny! And hey- you can see how much hair I've lost! Not just hair on my head but eyebrows and some eyelashes, too. Totally sucky because I was really feeling good on the Arava but man... I can't handle that kind of hair loss. 

Oh! The big library/craft room/office reveal is coming soon! Matt worked SO HARD on this room and I am so grateful. I told him yesterday that it really is better than my old room. For real. Even better? I'm in the basement, as far away from people as possible, with a door that locks. It's so great. But here's the sneak peek I posted on Instagram this weekend. 

Oh- so back to weight loss! I can't find a before picture (?!?!?!?!) but here is today. I'm down to a size 14 pant but I think I might be close to a 12? Some of my 14's are big but the 12's are just a little uncomfortable still.

And! Let it be known that my boobs are no longer perky, but officially saggy. Matt asked if it was a no bra day today and nope. I had a bra on. A new one, in fact. He even checked for a strap in the back to confirm and yeah. That made me feel crappy. Sigh. Treasure your perky boobs, ladies. Treasure them. 

Book Review: Barefoot on the Beach

I know it isn't summer yet but because I'm home all of the time, and surely wishing it were summer, I'm all about beach reads at this point. I feel like if you read summer books early it gets you into a summer mindset!

Barefoot on the Beach - Katlyn Duncan

Renee may be thrilled to be planning her sister’s wedding, but after witnessing her mother’s two failed marriages, she has always vowed that she is better off on her own.

But when Renee discovers that Luc Hardy has moved next door, her world is knocked off kilter. Luc was her whirlwind summer romance as a teen and, more importantly, her first love. Now he’s back in West Cove, looking more handsome than ever.

There is no escaping the romance in the air this summer. With the wedding planning in full swing, Renee begins to believe that she might be able to put her childhood reservations about marriage aside.

Yet when her mother arrives, she stirs a torrent of emotions in Renee’s heart. She’s up to her old tricks again – boasting about her latest conquests – reaffirming Renee’s lack of faith in love.

As Renee’s happily-ever-after hangs in the balance, will Luc be able to convince her that true love can last forever?

It's always nice to find a new to me author, and Katlyn Duncan is certainly that! In this book we have Renee, who has decided that love and marriage wasn't for her after watching her mother cycle through husbands her entire childhood. Over summer though, she finds herself becoming a last minute wedding planner for her sister who is getting married in a month. One morning her dog runs into the neighbor's house which is when she realized that the guy next door this summer?

Her first crush and definitely the guy she lost her virginity to. Their summer fling ended abruptly and she never heard or seen him again.

They end up hanging out over that month and she finds herself reluctantly rekindling things with him though she has no idea what she's doing. Between that and planning her sister's wedding (who doesn't seem to have a care in the world), having to deal with her mess of a mother, and trying to keep her freelance work afloat, this is an incredibly stressful time for Renee.

Overall? I liked this one, I'd give it a solid 3.5 star for sure. Renee wasn't really someone I would want to hang out with, she wasn't warm or approachable, and it seemed like using her mother's failures as her reason to not even try was just an easy excuse. What she really was feeling was scared to fail herself and she wasn't very nice to Luc. I really liked him a lot and he seemed like a genuinely good guy, he definitely didn't deserve the attitude Renee through his way.

Also, Renee's sister is the worst. I get it she has anxiety and stress but she is incredibly selfish and self-entitled and I really wanted Renee to tell her exactly where to go and how to get there. Don't even get me started on the mother.

If you are looking for a light read, something to enjoy while your kids run around screaming during quarantine, this should be your next pick. It's a fast read, you won't be swinging by the last thread of your emotions, and that's what we all need at this point!

A huge thank you to NetGalley and HarperCollins for providing a copy for review!  All thoughts are my own, of course. Happy reading, friends!

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