Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Less Than Two Years to 30. Update On List
So here it is:
1. Go kayaking- DONE
2. Go parachuting
3. Go on a sailboat ride
4. Write a book-- in progress
5. Take the kids to Disney World-- DONE
6. Try snorkeling again- try not to drown
7. Learn how to play one song on a piano
8. Take a road trip with friends
9. Go to Las Vegas
10. Run a 5K-- I'm training. Kind of.
11. Learn how to knit something- working on it
12. Attend my 10 year High School reunion - scheduled for August 2010
13. See 10 concerts before I’m 30-- I'm down three (Kings of Leon, Paramore, and Muse)
14. Go on a helicopter ride
15. Dye my hair
16. Trip to another country (Canada counts)
17. Lose at least 15 pounds- working on it.
18. Go camping. Outside. In a tent.
19. Visit the Grand Canyon
20. Wear a bikini (preferably after losing the weight)
21. Read 200 books before I’m 30 (this was revised once I realized it's impossible for me to read 8 books a week every week until I'm 30)
22. Create a family tree book for the kids- working on it.
23. See the Northern Lights
24. Go tubing and/or canoeing
25. Take kids to the Wisconsin Dells--tentatively scheduled for summer 2010
26. Hike through the sea caves in the winter
27. Road trip weekend with Matt to anywhere- DONE
28. See a waterfall I’ve never seen before
29. Try skiing
30. Be happy
Now as I look at this, I feel I've done pretty good. I have some plans in the works (which means in my head) for a few others, and a few are going to happen for sure this year. 2010 is going to be a pretty damn big year for me.
- going to Tennessee in May to see my cousin Rhonda graduate high school.
- am working myself up to parachute/skydive in June. We have a place in Superior that does it and in all the years I've lived here I've only heard of one accident. And that guy died after splattering all over the trailer court by Walmart. Which was gross. Imagine living in your trailer, watching Judge Judy and BANG! guts all over your porch. Ugh. If I die I hope to god it's in the field and not the trailer court. Or even Tower Avenue. I'd take that over the trailer court or the Walmart parking lot.
- going to Chicago (AGAIN!!!) in July to see Kings of Leon (AGAIN!!!) with Jennie (AGAIN!!!) and my new friend Kelly who I met through Jennie. It's going to be EPIC. Please believe the three of us girls are going to fun and rowdy. I'll definitely come back with some pretty kick ass stories and pictures.
- my mom is trying to go to Florida this year, so I'm secretly hoping it's July or August so Matt and I can take the kids somewhere in the Wisconsin Dells the same time she's gone.
- sometime this summer I'm going to try camping. I've been camping once when I was way little and it wasn't an enjoyable experience for me at all. And by camping- I mean in a tent, no air mattress, and eating hot dogs (DISGUSTING) on a stick. None of this air mattress and/or RV shit. (Don't get me wrong- I love RV's. I want to own one someday if only to make my hubs drive it around and I can get away with a viser on my head and a fanny pack full of maps. I'm going to be the epitomy of "old lady")
So right now- these are the plans that are in the works. Next year I am going to make my girlfriends come with me to Vegas. We are going to hit it up big and I am going to get some deets worked out way in advance and put it all out there for you peeps. That's right- it's going to be a "Come Party With Sara and Possibly Embarrass Yourself For Her Blog" gathering. Aw yeah. ;)
But here's where you come in. Do you know of good places to see/do the following because I need ideas:
1. Waterfalls. I need a really awesome one.
2. Road trip in America. I'd be doing this with friends and I'm looking for a fun destination with stupid/hilarious things along the way.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
This bitch is 300. My house has turned into a brothel.
*golf clap and leg pumps, yall*
But it's time to get serious. Because things have gotten serious up in my house. For lots of different reasons, but today we are going to focus on my cats. You remember Lenny and Rosie, don't you? Of course you do. It's hard to forget when Lenny is gay and Rosie was feral and we are in the process of taming her.
I think we are absolute idiots too and I have no idea why we have either of them. But I'm partial to Lenny because he is pure entertainment. I mean, he'll hump you while you wear a knitted sweater. He will bite your butt when you walk in. I mean, he's all kinds of fun. But Rosie is psychotic and there is no way around that. That cat clearly has some mental health issues that I have no interest in treating with horribly expensive medication. I can't even afford to get her girly parts fixed which is part of my problem.
Let's talk about Lenny and his sexual needs first, ok? Well Lenny was neutered. We spent a LOT of money on that visit because Lenny got neutered and had one of his nails removed on one of his front paws because it never retracted. Poor guy got it stuck on EVERYTHING. But his front paws has an extra toe on each but his disfigurement is adorable. He looks like he has mittens on. But since we got him neutered he's done weird things.
First, he humps anything and everything. Stuffed animals, blankets, you, your clothes, the babies, etc. Nothing is exempt from his humping. He is seriously worse than any dog I have every owned. Jackson will go to Lenny shouting "NO!" and try to rescue the blanket. Olivia will sometimes cry or say, "MOM!!! Lenny's liking me again". Sorry.
This weekend things have escalated. He is no longer interesting in the multitude of things we have on the first floor. No. He dragged this blanket off of Olivia's bed, which is on the 2nd floor. You better believe he humped it all the way too.
So we had this conversation:
Me: You remember in the Princess and the Frog when Ray the lightbug really loved Evangeline because he thought she was a lightbug too but she was really only a star?
Olivia: Yeah.
Me: Well this is the same thing. Lenny thinks these things are boy kitties. Your blanket is Lenny's true love.
Olivia: But he has Rosie. She likes boys.
Me: Well...um... Lenny doesn't really like girls. He likes boys. It's hard to explain.
Olivia: It's yucky.
Me: It's not yucky. He loves your blankie.
So hi- can you tell I'm not ready to deal with this? Yeah. It's not good. But yesterday...things really stepped up a notch. Rosie...is in heat.
Now I have NEVER in all of my life had a female cat. I've heard of this, but have never had to deal with it. We are on day two of her really loud weird purring and I'm about ready to stick a pen up her ass to see if that gets her to shut up.
THIS is the torture they should be using in Guantanamo Bay. THIS is going to turn me into an alcholic. Or a pill popper. SOMETHING.
And Rosie, going with her instincts, is slutting it up to Lenny. She's shaking her ass in his face. She sat on his face. She's licking his ass. She's practically throwing herself at him. I mean, as a woman, these are all fine things to do. But Lenny's gay. No amount of cleavage or ass shaking is going to change this.
I asked Matt how badly we needed lights and water because I'm willing to not pay the utilities this month to get her spaded or whatever. Things are that bad. I mean I just cannot take any more of this. It's so loud. And again, as a woman who also is in heat and getting none, I can sympathize with her plight.
Which is why they should make kitty vibrators. I'm sure I could make Matt help the cat out a bit. The cats he grew up with were all whores and he tells me this could last two months. TWO.FUCKING.MONTHS.PEOPLE. No good.
So basically, between Lenny humping his blanket, Rosie whoring it up in the windows hoping for a stray cat with a penis (is it called penis on cats, too??) breaks into our house, and me going through batteries like it's nobody's business---this is basically looking like a brothel.
Friday, March 26, 2010
A Winner, Two More Chances, Panties, and Terrible Two's

Tomorrow is actually his birthday party since his birthday falls on Easter this year. I have gotten about half of the prep done tonight and have a little bit more to do. Then tomorrow his party is at four. But do you think I get a break? Um...no.
I have to clean the house before the party (party is not at my house) because I won't have time to do my normal Saturday cleaning routine later. Then the kids are going to see the Easter Bunny, I have to hit the post office, pay bills, pick up cake, pick up balloons, return a book to the library, eat lunch, and load my van with party junk. All by noon. YAY. Then Jackson goes in for his nap at one so he is happy and ready for his party, get the kids ready for the party and then be over there shortly after three to get food out and ready.
It's times like this that make me wish I had a cape.
ps) tomorrow's post? Will be my 300th post. Scary.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Last Chance at Giveaway- and How To Scare Children
So here are the kids afterwards. They looked pretty happy but this was because I told them they were late for bedtime. They both fell asleep in the car because they both take after me and require a lot of sleep. They like their sleep. So 7pm has been their bedtime since birth. But they both woke up screaming that night. Olivia won't let me read her book about ocean animals because she tells me they will eat her. Jackson no longer like to play with his toy fish in the tub.
In the end, it was fun for us. We really don't get to do much as a family what with Matt's dislike for places with people (total opposite of me) and how he gets crabby almost instantly. But the kids like going to new places and are really well behaved 99% of the time. Which I know I am incredibly lucky for.
Thank god we didn't see the Dinosaur movie.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Taking Over The World With Jamie, and My New Bitch, Robert
First off I'm going to continuing beating the dead horse that is not-really-my giveaway that is ending on Friday. And you need to enter it otherwise I will make fun of you and possibly not be your friend. Ok, that's not true but I'll make you sit in the pasture for reject lambwhores and goatsluts. Nobody wants to be THAT kind of loser. So you need to go HERE to enter. Do it now or be banished.
And if that wasn't enough for you to love Jamie...bitches she is having a giveaway on her own blog. Fabulousness. Now, please know I've already entered. And I'm not above cheating. But go to her blog HERE and show some love anyways. Enter her giveaway over there where you have a chance to win one of TWO prizes. Do you need to relax? She's willing to help. (And yes, I have already mentioned that she's not offering "male services" but I'm confident the next relax giveaway will have that.)
Now some of you who are LUCKY enough to have my real life phone number got a text from me about two weeks ago in regards to what Matt got me for my birthday. Because obviously my birthday came and went with no gift. So I figured well- no big. That just means I don't have to get him anything for his 30th in August- score. But like with every other thing he sucks ASS as keeping a secret. He cannot keep one detail in his mouth. Nope- he has to tell somebody. And when I say NOTHING is sacred I am so serious. Believe that.
He had asked if he could spend $35 on Amazon for my birthday. So I'm like, "obviously this is an approved expense" which clearly it is. So I'm thinking, YES! I'm getting a super duper rad iPod holder for when I'm getting my fuckmill on. Or YES! He's getting me the Jimi Hendrix box set I wanted. Or YES! He's getting me a super fabulous purse, shoes, jewelry, etc.
No.
You want to know what I got?
So I now own this. I have really nowhere else to put it except next to my side of the bed. Which I will be honest, scares the SHIT out of me every night, every morning, and basically every time I walk into my room. I mean, we've talked about my fear of the dark and being kidnapped/murdered, etc and this? Does not help. Seriously.
His rationalization for getting me this as a gift were two-fold. The first was that I loved Robert so much and you know- I said I wanted this. Yeah- I mean that as a fucking joke. In no way would I condone spending $35 on cardboard. And it's ironic because this is the guy who wouldn't pay for moving boxes. And second- when I said "Where am I supposed to put this?" His response? "Well I thought you could put it in front of the treadmill. You know, for motivation."
OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T.
No- you did not just say that asshole. I could have come back with a MILLION things as a retort, but I didn't. Nope. I kept my mouth shut. Paybacks are always ten fold and I just know there will be a time where this will come back to bite him.
But in the meantime, I asked two of my faithful followers what I should do. Now my super awesome follower, Chicken, said that I should somehow attach a vibrator to it. Clever, Chicken. Clever.
Was it a nice effort? Sure. Could he actually have gotten me one of the 3,821 things I actually asked for? Yup.
But at least I won't feel bad when I go on an iTunes frenzy this evening.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I've Been Tagged. Repeatedly.
Alright folks. So I have been literally tagged a bunch of times. For lots of different things. Most of which I have forgotten because my funky notebook is either lost or someone stole it. I'm going to say it was stolen because it was SUPER cute and handmade and yeah. Bummer.


Monday, March 22, 2010
Giveaway, Ghetto Chicken, Alice, Remember Me, yadda yadda yadda
Yesterday I posted about my menu for the week and because I am unfortunately suck ass with emailing everybody back in a timely manner and since multiple lambwhores wanted to know my recipes- I'm posting them here. They are all super easy and if you can read you can cook these. I mean, it's really hard to fuck them up.
Ghetto Chicken One Dish
Chicken- cube it up, cook it.
One package (or more if you're a pig) of the Knorr Pasta Sides. I use the Cheddar & Broccoli because it doesn't taste like shit.
So cook the pasta- add chicken. Done. Yummy.
So I have seen a couple of movies that I've seen that hi- have not told you about. So I saw Alice in Wonderland with my sis in law, Kate. First off, I love Kate. Kate rocks my world. No matter what happens between Matt and I, I hope Kate and I still get to hang out. Because she is so fun and cool. And I'm stupid and silly- see me rocking my 3D glasses?? I am awesome. Anyways- so we saw it in 3D and then this weekend in 2D. Still awesome. We love Johnny Depp. We love Tim Burton. We like to make fun of those around us. It's a win all around.
I saw the Robert Pattinson movie Remember Me with Tammy like last weekend or something. Now I will tell you that if you don't like Robert Pattinson (fucking freak) and don't really *do* romance you can still see this movie. The romance is a really small part of the movie. I cried. I read all of the spoilers, as I do with every movie that I suspect will make me cry, and I still cried. I almost puked at the beginning, I cried during the bully scene, I cried at the end. I cried afterwards when I really thought about it. It was really a fantastic movie because they had all of these characters, all struggling with death and loss in very different ways. But they are all connected in different ways and the way it all comes together is really beautiful. And sad. It isn't fair. But in the end it's about forgiving those who maybe took an easy way out, that don't live up to your expections, to accept people for who and what they are. To know that everything happens for a reason. And maybe you'll be lucky enough to find out why.
So see it. It's a good movie. PLUS some scenes between Robert and Emilie de Ravin are hot. She's hot. :)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Food. It's What's For Dinner.
ANYWAYS. Can you tell my blood sugar must be low? Yeah- I've had next to no sweets today. It's getting scary up in this shiz here.
So I went grocery shopping today and spent (dun, dun, dun...) $62.33 for the week. Which seems like a lot compared to the last shopping excursion, but I have Jackson's birthday party coming up on Saturday so I only got one week of food PLUS the party goods. Aw yea. ;)
So the menu for this week:
Sunday: Ghetto Chicken One Dish
Monday: Build your own sandwich on croissants, tuna salad
Tuesday: Sara's Super Easy Stuff Shells
Wednesday: Beef Stew
Thursday: Cheddar Mac & Beef Skillet
Friday: Spaghetti
Saturday: PARTY (which will have my sloppy joes, chips, apples, my very own salsa dip with chicken, veggie tray..and drinks. Duh. And cake. Yay)
OK so my recipes last time were in HIGH demand, yall. Like I felt bad because I couldn't get them out fast enough. This time? I'm prepared! OK, not really. I'll wing it like last time. So if you want these recipes email me at: slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com and I will get them to you. I will put up a tutorial sometime this week of my lasagna rollers since I had quite a few people email me about this and I will tell you it's the only lasagna I'll eat. Because I'm picky.
BUT. A new thing I'm going to be doing on my blog is ending with a question. And if you comment, I want you to answer it. Since I got my go to book for entertaining company back, The Big Book of If, we get to play along. SO- our question for the evening:
If you had to pick the worst meal you've ever eaten- what would it be?
Easy. My first Thanksgiving with Matt's parents. We had plated everything up when his Dad said, "Just check for bullets" since he killed the turkey himself. I couldn't eat anything.
Book Review: WHY YOU SAY IT by Webb Garrison

On with the review! OK so this book was given to me to review through Book Sneeze (link on the right of this post, scroll down a bit). I will tell you that pretty much the only reason I got this book was because of the rubber ducks. And stupid random information I may or may not ever need. I will say that I was just "meh" on the book. If you like to read things that are educational/informational this is for you. If you prefer to read things in novel format, this is not for you. I prefer novel and I don't really like learning late at night since I primarily read before bed so I had a tough time getting through this. BUT this is kind of a fun book to have on a table during a party or whatever. Or if you are one of those that likes to read while pooping, this would be good to have.
The book tells you why we say things such as "moron" "two way street" "lock, stock, and barrel", "ax to grind" etc. Some of them are funny, some are bizarre, and some make no sense to me. Here's an example:
Go Bananas: What makes a person who is normally calm and quiet suddenly "go bananas"? Why do we specify this fruit instead of Granny Smith apples or Bosc pears? No one knows exactly why a person will go wacko in a given situation. But there's a good reason for saying that anyone temporarily out of control has gone bananas. Actions of such a person are a lot like that of a caged monkey in a zoo. The sight of a keeper approaching with a bunch of bananas can make the animal freak out, or go bananas.
Do you feel smarter by reading that? I don't but at least if someone says it I can blurt out this paragraph and sound smart. SCORE.
On a scale I would give this 2 out of 5 stars. Not something I'd see at Barnes and Noble and be like, "'WOW-- I have to have this" but it was mildly entertaining.
If you would like a copy of this, comment on this post with your email address. First one to do so will get the book mailed to them by me, for free. Happy reading (or pooping)!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
It's the freaking weekend- so let's give some stuff away!

Thursday, March 18, 2010
Weigh In. Folks- we have PROGRESS
And before we get to my weight for this time...let's review what my goal actually is, mmkay?? And to do that, we need to refer to my 30/30 list (which will be it's own discuss for tomorrow night). My goal was to lose at least 15 pounds. The weight this week?
169.6
Lambs- that means I have lost 14 pounds. Bitches, it's time to do fist pumps and pass the Ketel One. That's right, 14 pounds.
But now that I've gotten this far I think I want to shoot for like 20. I actually thought 15 pounds would be a huge difference to what I look like physically and it isn't. Now don't get me wrong- people around me have noticed a significant change. I have noticed a significant change just in energy level, less jiggly all over, definitely more definition in my legs (which looks fucking HOT...I'm going to look great this summer) and I do feel slimmer overall.
My next step is to actually go to Curves. I'm already paying for the damn membership so I'm actually going to go now. I am not kidding when I say I want to look good for my high school reunion coming this August. I was never comfortable with myself back in the day and now that I'm older I feel better about myself in general. Which is good. It's progress.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So after Chicago deemed me easy- it just wanted to cuddle.
Monday, March 15, 2010
After the first night of loving...Chicago loved me some more.
We woke up from the concert rendezvous at around 9am. Which seemed really early but you know- we had a day ahead of us. We ate dinner at the really nice restaurant in the hotel where Dena promptly stuff her purse full of the really cute jars of ketchup and jelly. Because hi- that's what you do. (AND we stole the Bath & Body Works shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and soap out of our rooms.) Breakfast was really good and we decided that we were going to see what was around our hotel.
So after seeing the dome and discovering that the women's bathroom was closed, we walked the eight blocks to the John Hancock building. It should be noted that at this point, my socks and shoes were soaked and my pants were wet from the bottom to mid calf. It was really sexy. And uncomfortable.
We get to the John Hancock, which according to the postcard I bought is a really big black building. True to form, it's big and black. This picture also will get framed for my living room. Anyways- so we got there. Rode the elevator to the 95th floor to the Signature Room. Yeah- Dena used the potty while the rest of us checked out the menu. Guess who is WAY under dressed and broke to eat there? Us.
After lunch we shopped a bit. NOTHING at Lush really pulled me. Like everything smelled like ass, dirt, minty burnt firewood, and urine. I mean really? People pay to smell like this?? Disappointing.

And you might be saying, "Sara- there totally is a payless right down the street" to which I say- Shut the fuck up. Matt does not need to know that. And who buys Payless shoes on the Magnificent Mile?? Huh?? LOSERS- that's who.
After I purchased my shoes, we went to the hotel and made the valet get the van. I totally forgot to tip the valet. Sorry super nice valet guy. :( SADS. But I did leave my new Ludacris cd in which I think he appreciated because it was on track 2 when I got out and it was on track 13 when we got in. The garage is like 2 blocks away. So there- that was nice of me, right??
Here's the four of us, holding our loot for the day. Matt got stuck carrying the Disney Store bag. He literally lugged that thing around for almost 6 hours. Which really- he had no choice. But I didn't get to put my shoes on until we got out of Illinois because the valet parked the van in the middle of the road and the taxis behind us really didn't seem to care that I couldn't feel my feet because they were soaked. So I was a trooper and waited the almost two hours to change my shoes.
And again, I have to say that despite the yucky weather (rain/mist, fog, wind) my hair and makeup is still holding up decently.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Muse Concert and Chicago Slut
But you see the car on the left of this picture? With only the window brake light? I almost rear ended her a million times. Because the light would come on only after her brakes had been applied for a few seconds so driving behind her for 45 minutes in bumper to bumper is kind of a nightmare. But I want you to know Chicago traffic became my bitch when I successfully crossed 5 lanes of traffic without hitting anyone, without getting hit myself, no horns or fingers were used and I made my exit on time. That's right folks. Just like this maroon car is doing--you just go. You don't even need a blinker, but it helps psychologically. Like I'm pretty sure nobody saw my blinker, but because I knew I had it on it made me feel better cutting people off.
(Moment of silence for the big moment of SADS there)
And when I saw the stage, I texted a pic to Mr. O, who sadly could not be with me because he's like a million miles away, who helpfully replied with "That's great...but isn't that BEHIND the stage?" Um..yes. But I figured it was still going to be awesome because we were by all the sound equipment and you know a concert sucks when you still have full hearing afterwards. I was pretty convinced I'd be deaf. Bonus.
After Silver I decided I had to pee. Like bad. So I wait in line for the bathroom for 10 minutes, get in and realize the seat is full of piss. Like someone thought the toilet was a urinal and just pissed EVERYWHERE. And the bonus here is that there is no toilet paper. But never fear- this bitch had her wet wipes and thank god for that. So I peed with the luxury of knowing I was able to wipe up and didn't have to dig for a receipt in my purse. I felt vindicated and that was super.
So then the lights go out and it starts. Mother fucking MUSE, bitches.
So that's my rant about that. Anyways. So almost towards the end they dropped some giant eyeball balloons that looked pretty cool.
there is no bad seat despite what your ticket may say.
And guess who's wearing really uncomfortable boots that we never made for walking?
We got back to the hotel REALLY late, only after jumping into a very dirty minivan cab decked out with those air freshener trees that no longer smell and driven by a guy who clearly speaks only enough English to tell you how much you owe. This guy could have been making plans to bomb the entire eastern seaboard but we would never know it because he talked so fast in some foreign language in between slamming on his brakes.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, BITCHES!!!
And after cake I got to open the gifts Olivia and Jackson made me. Photo frames and they picked out their own pictures to put in them. So here they are (the two brightly colored foam frames) displayed with the pictures I have of them by my work. (and yes, they are in a window and yes- that's my wonderful view of the exhaust shop on the side of our building)
So that was Tuesday.
Today is my actually birthday (holla!!) and my co-workers decorated my desk.
You'll notice my phone has a "Fabulous" key chain on it:
- free lunch from Lisa on Tuesday with a card that has the Golden Girls theme song. Again--not only does she say I can be more bitchy, but she gives me a card with the theme to quite possibly, the best show ever.
- free lunch from co-workers.
- a Dilbert book called "A Guide To The Rest Of Your Life" which is HILARIOUS.
- cards from lots of people.
- a knitting for idiots tool from a building co-worker, The Treadler.
- $60 in gas money from my brother for Chicago (Travis, you rock)
- frames from the kids
- a very cool note AND cd from fellow blogger Sam. (Thanks, SAM!!! I am pretty excited about my new cd-- you rock chick!)
- a dirty story about her first time from a fellow blogger who shall remain nameless. But I love her just the same.
- and last, but never least.. a poem. By Chicken.
Sara has me as a lamb whore
Compared to her I'm quite a bore
Today she turns twenty eight
If she lived closer, I'd take her on a date
She has quite the potty mouth
Yesterday she told me who'd she like to go South
Her humor is very crude
She curses like a dude
Maybe this year she'll learn to be a bitch,
Start slapping hookers and leaving them in a ditch
She always looking for a bra for her big ol' tittys
Even refers to them as her Twin Cities
She's a great mom
She'll even drive you home after your 5th sake' bomb
I feel this is the year she'll achieve her "goal"
After that point even Jesus can't save her soul
With the next line this birthday song will end
Sara is above all things a great friend.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY