Sunday, March 21, 2010

Book Review: WHY YOU SAY IT by Webb Garrison

Before I start my review- let's put up a reminder about the GIVEAWAY happening. Enter or be a loser. Your choice. :)

On with the review! OK so this book was given to me to review through Book Sneeze (link on the right of this post, scroll down a bit). I will tell you that pretty much the only reason I got this book was because of the rubber ducks. And stupid random information I may or may not ever need. I will say that I was just "meh" on the book. If you like to read things that are educational/informational this is for you. If you prefer to read things in novel format, this is not for you. I prefer novel and I don't really like learning late at night since I primarily read before bed so I had a tough time getting through this. BUT this is kind of a fun book to have on a table during a party or whatever. Or if you are one of those that likes to read while pooping, this would be good to have.

The book tells you why we say things such as "moron" "two way street" "lock, stock, and barrel", "ax to grind" etc. Some of them are funny, some are bizarre, and some make no sense to me. Here's an example:

Go Bananas: What makes a person who is normally calm and quiet suddenly "go bananas"? Why do we specify this fruit instead of Granny Smith apples or Bosc pears? No one knows exactly why a person will go wacko in a given situation. But there's a good reason for saying that anyone temporarily out of control has gone bananas. Actions of such a person are a lot like that of a caged monkey in a zoo. The sight of a keeper approaching with a bunch of bananas can make the animal freak out, or go bananas.

Do you feel smarter by reading that? I don't but at least if someone says it I can blurt out this paragraph and sound smart. SCORE.

On a scale I would give this 2 out of 5 stars. Not something I'd see at Barnes and Noble and be like, "'WOW-- I have to have this" but it was mildly entertaining.

If you would like a copy of this, comment on this post with your email address. First one to do so will get the book mailed to them by me, for free. Happy reading (or pooping)!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

So after Chicago deemed me easy- it just wanted to cuddle.

Have you missed my first two posts on Chicago? (HERE and HERE) Well then you need to catch up. Otherwise you'll be the loser in the class that can't read.
So on my last post I showed you some of what we did on Saturday. But what also happened on Saturday was, apparently, the St. Patrick's Day/Observation Day celebration in Chicago. I always forget when traveling that you should try to go on a holiday. Nevermind what all those travel sites tell you. Because celebrating St. Pats in Chicago is AMAZING.
Because they dye the mother fucking river GREEN!!

So here is Matt and I in front of the bright ass green river. Which at first I automatically thought "Wow- they should get their sewage under control" but then I thought "Oh wait..I'm so fucking stupid." But yay! I pretty much convinced everyone to purchase these cheap ass shamrock beads because I didn't want to be the only loser in the huge crowd with NOTHING green on. I mean come on. So I made Matt get me two. Because two is my fav number AND because I have to be difficult. But I prefer to label myself as "different".
I will say there was some really atrocious outfits. Fat girls in bright green spandex. A lot of spandex and leggins were happening and I'd say 90% of it was on girls who had no business wearing it. Now I am no where near the weight of these chicks but you will never catch my ass in spandex.
Here's me rocking out with probably the worst hot chocolate I have ever had in my life. Starbucks can maybe make a good coffee (I don't drink coffee so I'll just take other people's word for it) but they butcher a fucking hot chocolate. Bitches.
More green river!

So we walked over, in the rain, to see the parade. Which yeah...wasn't going to happen. For one, we're all short. Like I'm 5'3 and tallest of our group (Matt) is 5'10. So by the time we got to the parade place it was packed. I had the idea of standing on this garbage can but then a 4 year old beat me too it. Brat. But in lieu of that we walked back over to Millenium Park. Which is fabulous.
And I will admit, I'm pretyt damn ignorant when it comes to famous things in cities. I just have no clue. Like I might look stuff up before I go but usually I don't. I pretty much rely on locals. But Dena kept talking about some fucking bean and I'm thinking, "I don't like beans" but then yeah. It's not a real bean. It's a giant mirrored bean shaped thingie. It's obviously reflective so here is me being a dork in the bean. (And some of my followers got a text pic of me in the bean. Apparently nobody cared. Or thought I lost my mind talking about beans)
Then the brothers, Matt and Karl, had to get in on the bean action. Wow- making their momma proud. I sure hope we make the family Christmas card.

And then once the novelty of the bean wore off, Matt took my picture in front of some huge building. Except you can't really see me because he sucks ass taking pictures.
Here's another Sara Fun Fact: I fucking LOVE picketers. I love a good protest. I would have been in my element in the 60's. And not only did Chicago give me a green river and not give me an STD, but it also gave me a good protest. And not just ANY protest. No, Chicago (obviously jockeying for a second date) gave me a SCIENTOLOGY protest! I fucking love it. I knew I had to get my picture taken with the masked crazies. And thank god when I asked this chick she was all eager beaver about it.
So here is Karl and I making friends with the crazy protest chick:
And although you can't see it well in this picture, my hands say "Free Suri" and Karl's says "Free Kate". Yes- that was my idea. And yes, the crazy chick loved it.
But then down the block, and I failed to get their picture which bums me out, were the talented protest guys who could break dance with masks on. They had fab music going and let's be real- anybody using fucking Pac Man images and electrical tape on a sign is awesome in my book.
That was pretty much it for Saturday in Chicago. It was a LOT of walking. I only did my fuckmill one day last week but the amount of walking I did over the two days we were there more than made up for it.
Now before I close out for the evening, pleace check out Amber and Chicken- they got their box from the Sara Awesomeness Giveaway and posted about it. Mr. O tells me he got his so yay! The mail system prevails!
Tomorrow I'm going to post about Hooters. And not just about MY particular hooters, but the fine family dining establishment. I promise you it will be funny. You *may* pee your pants. (Disclaimer: if you do, I am not responsible for cleaning up after your stank ass). ALSO!!! More FABULOUS news. I am going to be having another giveaway- look for this on Thursday. It's going to be artwork from a fellow blogger who is the shiznit and it's going to be fun! Supa fun! Yay!

Monday, March 15, 2010

After the first night of loving...Chicago loved me some more.

Well now that we all got to read about my adventures in Chicago on the first day/night let's talk about Saturday, shall we?

We woke up from the concert rendezvous at around 9am. Which seemed really early but you know- we had a day ahead of us. We ate dinner at the really nice restaurant in the hotel where Dena promptly stuff her purse full of the really cute jars of ketchup and jelly. Because hi- that's what you do. (AND we stole the Bath & Body Works shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and soap out of our rooms.) Breakfast was really good and we decided that we were going to see what was around our hotel.

That something happened to be the Magnificent Mile. Yes- it was rad. It was everything I thought it would be. I learned how to use revolving doors without getting your foot, purse, jacket or other limbs stuck and without running into the door. But I do think it's weird that EVERY place has a revolving door. I don't know. Are regular doors ghetto or something? Anyways. Before we could go anywhere we realized that we needed our jackets, I needed gloves and Dena wanted her hat. This all required a little walk to the valet parking garage where every floor is themed by an album.
Of course we got the most kick ass floor:

Neil fucking Diamond's "The Best Year of our Lives" album. Now this album is on REPEAT on this floor. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure the parking attendant job is a high turnover position because if I had to listen to the same album over and over again every single day- it sure as hell wouldn't be Neil Diamond. Or any of these other artists. Don't get me wrong, I love me some "America" "Sweet Caroline" "Love on the Rocks" and "Cracklin Rosie" just as much as the next person. But every god damn day?

No spank you.

So we get our winter gear. I'm going to post about the St. Patty's Day stuff and crazies tomorrow- but here are a *few* of the touristy things we saw/did.

Karl was a cowboy. I saw the bull and told Karl to hop on up. What I love about Karl is that I refer to us as the "family rejects" because we are the two that don't really belong in the Strand clan. Which is kind of funny since he's born into it and I'm just kind of there. So I love Karl. Karl is funny, spontaneous, and a god damn dork sometimes. But I love him. And this right here? Proves that he's awesome.

After getting lost and really having no idea where the fuck some place called The Gage was (which was recommended to us by the hotel guy who appeared to be on crack and maybe in need of some more because his shakes were BAD, but instead of just putting a star on the block where it is on the map- he circles a 28 block radius. Yeah- not really helpful) we stopped into the Chicago Art Institute because we figured maybe they would know where the fuck this place was. Because the police had no idea. Which again, handy.

We must have looked like lost white kids (which we would have because we stood there, all four of us, staring at this map like it was the Map from Dora the Explorer and we give us three step instructions) because some really nice guy offered to help. He also had no fucking clue what we were talking about, but gave us the instructions on how to get to the John Hancock building where he promised would have food and more importantly, more shopping. Love you strange guy who was super helpful. But since he worked at the Art Institute he practically begged us to see some Tiffany Dome exhibit thingie. So really- what can you do?

It was pretty. But we couldn't go in the room because it was roped off for some event. It's the largest in the world and I will admit--pretty breathtaking to think what goes into making a Tiffany thing.
But what I have pictures of and am not posting (I will some day, just not today) are quotes about books, libraries, etc that were etched or something into marble on the walls. I'm going to get them printed and framed for around my book case. They were that cool.

So after seeing the dome and discovering that the women's bathroom was closed, we walked the eight blocks to the John Hancock building. It should be noted that at this point, my socks and shoes were soaked and my pants were wet from the bottom to mid calf. It was really sexy. And uncomfortable.

We get to the John Hancock, which according to the postcard I bought is a really big black building. True to form, it's big and black. This picture also will get framed for my living room. Anyways- so we got there. Rode the elevator to the 95th floor to the Signature Room. Yeah- Dena used the potty while the rest of us checked out the menu. Guess who is WAY under dressed and broke to eat there? Us.

Plus the view sucked. All you saw was fog.

So we ended up eating at the Cheesecake Factory. Which was fine, I had never eaten there and I had a really good burger. My spicy chicken nachos were even better. We sat at the bar while I chatted it up with the bartender who is originally from Clearwater, Florida. Love you hot bartender guy. He was hot. Seriously. Dena thinks he was gay but there is no way. No way because he totally checked out my boobs. Three times. Because Matt counted. (WHAT?! I can't help I had great cleavage with my sweater/tank top combo. Sue me.)

After lunch we shopped a bit. NOTHING at Lush really pulled me. Like everything smelled like ass, dirt, minty burnt firewood, and urine. I mean really? People pay to smell like this?? Disappointing.

But on the way back I told the group I could not drive home in wet shoes. No way. I couldn't wear my boots because hi- they hurt. So I did what any self respecting shoe lover would do. I went to Nine West and bought a pair of $98 sneakers. Here's me proudly holding my bag. Which I still have. Shut up- you know you'd keep it too.

Here are my sneakers. Now these are the hotness for two reasons.
1. Bright colors
2. Jelly plastic on the toe
I love sneakers, especially comfy ones, and I love jelly shoes. I am past the age where it is socially acceptable to wear jelly shoes so this is the best I can do. I promise you they don't look as retarded on my feet. I'll post pics of that some time. But they are SUPER comfortable.

And you might be saying, "Sara- there totally is a payless right down the street" to which I say- Shut the fuck up. Matt does not need to know that. And who buys Payless shoes on the Magnificent Mile?? Huh?? LOSERS- that's who.

After I purchased my shoes, we went to the hotel and made the valet get the van. I totally forgot to tip the valet. Sorry super nice valet guy. :( SADS. But I did leave my new Ludacris cd in which I think he appreciated because it was on track 2 when I got out and it was on track 13 when we got in. The garage is like 2 blocks away. So there- that was nice of me, right??

Here's the four of us, holding our loot for the day. Matt got stuck carrying the Disney Store bag. He literally lugged that thing around for almost 6 hours. Which really- he had no choice. But I didn't get to put my shoes on until we got out of Illinois because the valet parked the van in the middle of the road and the taxis behind us really didn't seem to care that I couldn't feel my feet because they were soaked. So I was a trooper and waited the almost two hours to change my shoes.

And again, I have to say that despite the yucky weather (rain/mist, fog, wind) my hair and makeup is still holding up decently.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Muse Concert and Chicago Slut

Lambs and Goats I have almost an entire week of Chicago related posts for you so get ready. And by the end of the week you too can be a Chicago slut. Just like me. For my Chicago cherry has been popped, I saw Muse, Chicago traffic is my bitch, I didn't kill anyone, met a midget who would not let me take her picture, ate fab pizza, and made friends with picketers. And cabbies who speaky no English.

A success if there ever was one.

So let's talk about the drive first, mmkay? We left Superior at 7 am, an hour later than I had planned. It's a 9 hour drive (according to MapQuest) from Superior to Chicago. (Look at a map to understand my struggle), with a stop in Chippewa Falls, WI to get Karl & Dena. (Karl is Matt's brother, Dena is his girlfriend). What would *normally* be a 2 1/2 hour drive was done in 1 1/2 hours.
That's right. I'm STILL the champion at driving to places in record speed.
Once we got in Chicago I was worried. Literally EVERYBODY was like, "Oh my god- you are so stupid...Chicago traffic is HORRIBLE." Well, yeah, it sucks because it's like five lanes going the same way and a lot of cars. But it's doable. Please know I was taught how to drive by an over the road truck driver with a totally clean driving record. It helps.

But you see the car on the left of this picture? With only the window brake light? I almost rear ended her a million times. Because the light would come on only after her brakes had been applied for a few seconds so driving behind her for 45 minutes in bumper to bumper is kind of a nightmare. But I want you to know Chicago traffic became my bitch when I successfully crossed 5 lanes of traffic without hitting anyone, without getting hit myself, no horns or fingers were used and I made my exit on time. That's right folks. Just like this maroon car is doing--you just go. You don't even need a blinker, but it helps psychologically. Like I'm pretty sure nobody saw my blinker, but because I knew I had it on it made me feel better cutting people off.
So once we checked into our hotel, the Wyndham Downtown, we got ready (and I looked hot. I am not even going to lie. The outfit was hot, the boots looked good, my hair and makeup was was like the perfect storm for hotness) we went to have some authentic Chicago pizza. So we went to Gino's East- and you write on the walls. Or furniture. Unfortunately- we didn't have a sharpie. Or white out. BUMMER.
So here is Karl & Dena at Gino's. I have to say - we had a FABULOUS waiter. And I'm pretty sure we were sitting next to the long lost fourth Jonas brother. Because he had the signature ugly ass hair.
Here's our pizza. It was FABULOUS. It doesn't look good but believe me- it was worth the 9 hour drive.
Matt and I waiting for our bill. Is it just me, or does Matt look like he's either drunk or a creeper? I can assure you no drinky was had. Yet. But there's me--hair and makeup holding out nicely despite the wind.
So then we hopped in a cab to get our asses to the United Center. The cabbie had a bizarre accent but kept referring to us as his friends. Which was weird because he was a terrible driver (but ended up being better than the guy we'd eventually get later on) and I thought we were going to die. I don't know about you, but I try to keep my friends alive.
We got there with 45 minutes to spare. So here is me, getting ready to do the damn thing up in there. You'll see the leg of the chick behind me who was so nice and jammed out with me for like two songs. More on that in a bit.
I know I mentioned to some people that my seats were supposed to be horrible. We were the balcony above the balcony, behind the stage with an obstructed view.

(Moment of silence for the big moment of SADS there)

And when I saw the stage, I texted a pic to Mr. O, who sadly could not be with me because he's like a million miles away, who helpfully replied with "That's great...but isn't that BEHIND the stage?" Um..yes. But I figured it was still going to be awesome because we were by all the sound equipment and you know a concert sucks when you still have full hearing afterwards. I was pretty convinced I'd be deaf. Bonus.
For those of you who follow me on FB you'll notice I posted about drinking. Now, for those who don't know me in real life, I don't drink. I used to, but I don't drink at all now. But for some reason, I felt like maybe I'd need a little drinky drink so I made Matt go get me a drink. He comes back with this fruity thing in a GIANT cup. Two sips later and I realize that this is 90% rum with a little pineapple juice. Two things I hate- rum and pineapple juice. So after two sips (which weren't super small) I was dizzy and I felt like my throat was on fire. Disgusting. So I gave the rest to Karl. Matt, the veteran drinker and former man-whore, couldn't drink it either. Which was nice because I didn't feel like such a drink pussy about that. So there's my two sips of drinkity drink. Lame.
So when Silversun Pickups came on the columns were like TV's. Kind of. We saw their pics on it but basically couldn't see the band because you only saw their face. They sounded good and had GREAT interaction with the crowd. And since Mr. O was the ONLY person to pick up their fucking phone, Mr. O was the ONLY person to hear like a minute of Silver. He guessed which song they had, so it must have been decent enough reception.
They played for about 45 minutes, which was most of their newest album, Swoon. They were really good and they remind me of the Smashing Pumpkins a lot.

After Silver I decided I had to pee. Like bad. So I wait in line for the bathroom for 10 minutes, get in and realize the seat is full of piss. Like someone thought the toilet was a urinal and just pissed EVERYWHERE. And the bonus here is that there is no toilet paper. But never fear- this bitch had her wet wipes and thank god for that. So I peed with the luxury of knowing I was able to wipe up and didn't have to dig for a receipt in my purse. I felt vindicated and that was super.

So then the lights go out and it starts. Mother fucking MUSE, bitches.

And our seats turned out to be some of the best in the house because the columns? Were part of the stage! So this is during "Uprising" and I called Mr. O who I think heard some of it, but I can't remember or not. I was too busy rocking out and screaming like a freak.

They played so well and every song was so amazing. It is probably my #2 fav concert, right behind Kings of Leon. I say they are only #2 because if I'm going to be honest- their crowd interaction sucked. They spoke MAYBE twice, with 3 words or less, during the entire 2 1/2 hour concert. The other thing that sucked was the crowd. As a avid music whore and concert slut I expect that the rest of the people at the concert are there to jam out. Jamming out means standing up, jumping around, singing, clapping, screaming, etc. I do all of these things when I'm at a good concert. NOBODY else in my section was doing that. Except for the two or three guys in front of Dena and Karl who danced for a few songs. And so here I am, having a blast and jamming out, and nobody around me is doing anything.
Fucking losers. I mean, I was tired. I had been up since 5am, drove 9 hours, had very little food in me, I was dizzy, felt like I was going to puke but I am rocking out. Because that's the purpose of going. If I wanted to be lame and stand there like an idiot doing nothing, I would have just listened to the cd at home.

So that's my rant about that. Anyways. So almost towards the end they dropped some giant eyeball balloons that looked pretty cool.
Overall- the concert was great. Their stage was great and if you ever get a chance to see Muse live, I highly recommend that you do. If their stages are normally anything like the one we had
there is no bad seat despite what your ticket may say.

So after the concert we had to hail a cab back to our hotel. Us and like 4000 other people. Guess who didn't get a cab? Us.
A few people received texts from me describing our plight of walking in the fucking windy, 38 degree, misty rain weather in the middle of the night through the darkened streets of Chicago. Now I have taken cabs in lots of places. I know how to hail a cab and find a cab. At every concert I have ever been to there has been a "cab bank" along one side of a venue. Apparently United Center does not have that unless it was in some top secret location. We tried calling a cab ourselves, calling the hotel to arrange for a cab, etc to no avail. We walked (if I did my blocks converted to miles math correctly) almost 3 miles trying to get a cab. Now, I'm a firm believer that if you are lost or need help you stay the fuck where you are and stop moving around. Moving around does not help. You could walk from one end of Chicago to the next and no cab is going to be like, "Wow- I think they need a ride". No. They drive past your sorry wet ass.

And guess who's wearing really uncomfortable boots that we never made for walking?
And guess who has 27 blisters total on her feet from this walking?

We got back to the hotel REALLY late, only after jumping into a very dirty minivan cab decked out with those air freshener trees that no longer smell and driven by a guy who clearly speaks only enough English to tell you how much you owe. This guy could have been making plans to bomb the entire eastern seaboard but we would never know it because he talked so fast in some foreign language in between slamming on his brakes.
The highlight of that ride came when I was sliding all over the fucking backseat and put my hand in some kind of wet puddle on the seat. Let me tell you that it's a damn good thing it was dark otherwise I would have cried while puking. Instead, I wiped it on my already wet and filthy pants along with god only knows what else was on that seat. I got the fuck out of that cab as quick as I could. But how we even made it to the hotel alive I don't even know because driver missed a few red lights and I think he believes that stop signs with a white border are actually optional. Apparently the Illinois Department of Transportation are really lax on the whole "must pass a road test" restriction.
We made it back really late. And I took a great shower despite the fact my feet hurt so bad and my heels were actually bleeding. No good.
OK- so that was Friday night in Chicago. If you want to see ALL of my Chicago pictures including everything from the Muse concert- check out my Facebook page (link to your right somewhere) and they are all up.
Tomorrow we'll talk about Saturday in Chicago. And inadvertently celebrating St. Patrick's Day in the windy city.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Book Review: MY HORIZONTAL LIFE by Chelsea Handler + Truth or Dare (aka Sara TMI)= full circle with a giveaway/contest

Side note: Winnahs to my GIVEAWAY were posted yesterday. Click here to determine if you are a WINNAH or a looooooser. (I love you either way.)

That's right bitches. I have a FABULOUS book for you to read, plus I'm going to give you a heads up on a really fun contest/giveaway going on, and I'm going to give you some Sara TMI so I can win said giveaway and bring it all FULL CIRCLE.

(This is why I'm hot, yo)

For those of you who don't know me in real life (and by this I mean full on, like we hang out, you've witnessed me in action, or have heard me talk a million miles a second about the asshole who just did whatever to me, literally 5 minutes before meeting you for lunch, etc) don't know how much I love Chelsea Handler. Like I want to be her. I want her to be my friend. I want her to be my bestie. Or at least stalk me. Because I would totally be ok with her showing up in my bushes.

This book is FABULOUS. I borrowed it from my friend Lisa's friend Stephanie who I know, but not like super well and frankly- I think if one more crazy joins their group worlds will collide. Nobody would make it out alive. I have to say that this book makes me love Chelsea even more. She's a complete slut and I love it. Like if I were going to be a slut, this is how I'd like to do it. I want a run in with a midget, a gay friend who's hepped up on drugs at the family wedding, a guy coming out in full hardcore sex gear WITH a whip, etc. Yes, this is all in the book.

"He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better."-Chelsea Handler

This is what I had envisioned my 20's would be like. Clearly, I was off. By a husband, house, two kids, and two cats. But I highly recommend this book. The first chapter alone is so hysterical and I decided right then and there (in the back of the tire store my brother works at since I *finally* got new tires...lamest birthday present EVER) that I have clearly taken the wrong path in my life. I could have been her. Shit- I still could be. She's gotta die sometime, right? I'm ready to fill that void when she does. Chelsea's agent- holla. ;)

Anyways. My chicky Danon over at The Insatiable Host is having a giveaway but is making into a Truth or Dare deal. I am lucky because I was the first (and let's be real- you can't be surprised I'm #1) so I have a TRUTH to answer: When was your first time doin the nasty...How old, where, who...deets peeps...deets!!(better make it good - even if it was not!)

Bitch, please. EASY.

October 1999. I was 17. He was 20. It was at his house (which was his parents house. Yes I know how lame this was. Don't judge. I was 17 and thought I was hot shit.) We had been dating since May. We got engaged in August (again...don't judge. I was stupid and my parents hated him so OBVIOUSLY I was going to say yes). He convinced me that because we were going to get married, we may as well have sex. Because being engaged and married are practically the same thing apparently. He told me it was his first time which I thought was weird considering he was 20 and had a lot of other girlfriends before me but whatever. He had a BAG of condoms in his dresser (which yay for being prepared but who the hell is THAT prepared). We lit a candle that smelled horrid. We listened to Nine Inch Nails' The Great Below. It was late afternoon but dark in his room because the curtains were closed.

It was, literally, only 2, maybe 3 minutes long. Like he got in, lots of pain but I knew this after reading the ton of stuff the doctor gave me when my mother got me birth control when I started dating him because she was thinking ahead. (Go mom!) But yeah- it hurt worse than I thought it would. THEN...his brother (a year younger than me) started banging on the door. His parents were home, drunk (again), and so yeah. That was that. I had to hustle to get myself put together and then realized that it hurt to sit. It hurt to stand and walk. So the guy, ever the gentleman, told me to "walk it off" and so we walked around the neighborhood. Which I'm sure I looked real cool hobbling along.

But that was that. I do remember thinking on my drive home, "What the fuck is the big deal with sex? That sucked." And with him it never got any better. For awhile I thought maybe he really was a virgin because it wasn't as fun for me as you see in shows. So then I thought maybe I had some deformity. We broke up at the end of 2001 because it just wasn't going to work out. I had a not so great relationship after him and then I met Matt. And even though after boyfriend #1 and I broke up I started to think that he lied about that (among a lot of other things) but then when I met Matt- I thought "holy jesus--- sex isn't so bad afterall". Maybe that's why I married Matt. Maybe I thought I hit the pinnacle of greatness. Who knows.

Things I learned:

-do not have sex with younger siblings in the same building.

- do not have sex for the first time without advil, lubrication, and some kind of pantyliner. Because you will bleed.

- if you are a slut- just be honest and tell your partner. If you have to lie because you think it'd be bad, then maybe you shouldn't be having sex like a rabbit in heat with everything that walks passed you.

-engaged and married are not the same things. Not even if you are carrying wedding planning magazines in your bag to school and flaunting a ring that the girl after you wore and you're pretty sure belonged to somebody before you.

-communication is KEY to having sex.

SO. Go visit my girl Danon over at The Insatiable Host and tell her I sent you. Specifically mention that I sent you. Also- she runs a panty pyramid. (snicker...) I just joined and so you should join. And then we can all prance around in our new panties and admire the giftbasket I am going to win. And tell dirty stories. Oooh..this is going to be fun.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Book Review: BURIED ALIVE by Roy Hallums

It's time for a book review and I know I usually do these on Sundays but yesterday wasn't such a terrific day so I'll post it this morning so it's up and crossed off my list. BUT, please come back later this evening (between 8-9 pm, central time) to check out my MAY-JAH giveaway.
This book was one that I picked to review through Book Sneeze and honestly- it's been sitting on my desk for awhile. I was hesitant to actually read it because if you remember correctly, I don't like the kidnapped thing because hello- it's probably the biggest fear of mine.
So this weekend I settled in to start this and I could NOT put it down. It's a true story of an American who, while working in Iraq as a contractor, was kidnapped and tortured by Iraqi insurgents and held for over 300 days. 300 days, people. Imagine being blindfolded, rationing out small portions of mostly rotted food for a every three day span (if you were lucky), being beaten, having to make videos to plea for your life, and little to no communication with other hostages for over 300 days. If that isn't a description of hell I don't know what would be.
What I really enjoyed about this book (well there were several) was that through the whole thing, Roy had a sense of humor. His extensive military training (he was retired from the military but knew if his captors knew that he'd be dead) probably helped him quite a bit. He seemed level headed enough to be able to take mental notes of everything, to keep track of time by paying attention to the Islamic prayers he heard, and was smart enough to figure out what he should/shouldn't do to make it out of there alive.
I will confess right here and now that I don't pay attention to the news coverage. I know this may seem idealic and naive, but to me, I know it's something I can't fix. Me watching the constant barrage of news coverage is not going to make a difference. And because I don't watch it- I really have no clue about the war, why there is a war, why people are kidnapped, etc. This book really enlightened me. Am I going to watch the news now? Probably not. Am I going to click on a news link about hostages? Yes. I most likely will. Because I can't even imagine what that is like.
What also surprised me was how really unintelligent these people are (meaning the kidnappers and radical groups). I mean one could argue that they have some intelligence if they are kidnapping people in the hopes for ransom payouts in order to fund their insurgency. Sure. I'd give you that. Two points crazy people. BUT, the book really highlighted that despite what you see/read on the news, they are highly unorganized. They couldn't find their ass from their elbow. And despite all of this- it leaves me baffled that the United States, supposedly this really smart (debatable) and powerful country can't beat them. What gives?!
The other thing that I know is probably more true than we'd like is how uncooperative the US Government was to Roy Hallums' family. Really, FBI? You can't just give them an update? You can't just say, "We have no fucking clue where he is. Sorry" ?? I'm probably going to get red flagged but I'm sorry. I just think there needs to be a little more bedside manner instead of all of the red tape.
It was a good book. I really enjoyed it and I recommend anyone to read it. I think the most heartbreaking line in the whole book was Roy describing that since the war began, 50 American contractors have been kidnapped. He was the only one rescued.
SO--- anyone who wants this book, please leave me a comment with your email address and I will put your name into a drawing. Winners announced this Friday, March 5. :)