Book Review: How To Get Divorced by 30- My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage

Before I get into my post (seriously- my first paragraph's are turning into fucking monologues. What the hell is up with that???) I have to respond to a comment that was left on last night's post by AaronBillyMacHarlan. He mentioned that he did a post about me, and USUALLY that means someone is a pervert trying to link me to asian porno or a reader is giving me an award. I mean both are appreciated in their own way, don't get me wrong. (I'm not really into asian porn folks, so if you want to switch it up, feel free.) no- Aaron said he wrote about me and I, as I always am when people post me little tidbits like this, was interested.

So I go there. Thankfully, Aaron wasn't selling porno even though his title "Confessions of a Massively Overweight Prostitute" kind of scared me. I can't even lie about this. And then I thought (as page was loading) maybe he's offering me a job. Except I'm not massively overweight, so I don't know if I'd meet the needs of his clientele. But then I wonder who that clientele might be and then I felt like throwing up my breakfast.

Anyways. He did a bang up job on the article, which I, as your lambwhore and goatslut leader, am telling you to check out. HERE. And Aaron- I live in Wisconsin but like 5 minutes from Minnesota, and even though you don't like chicks I'm glad you like me. You might not meet me, but I might actually be blogging in the bushes near your house. But the fact you think I'm on par with Chelsea Handler? King of the Goat Sluts. I swear to you that if I had like a crown with goats and stuff...I'd give it to you. Or put it in your driveway. Whatever. And he ends by calling me a neglected housewife which I think is a fabulous description which is a great tie in to...

(drum roll, bitches)

My book review of Sascha Rothchild's How To Get Divorced By 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. Now, I need to tell you the reason I bought the book. So about two weeks before my whiner post I was at Barnes and Noble. I'm walking through with Matt and the kids and BAM! This book literally falls at my feet. So obviously because I'm fantastic citizen, I go to pick it up and see the cover.

I'm pretty sure it sang to me. Not only is the cover the fucking hotness as far as looks (because I judge books by covers. Sue me.) but the title? Is my life. I obviously took a picture on my phone and sent it to a few people who all thought I was crazy. So I didn't buy it.

Fast forward to a week ago and while I'm moping around being all pissed off and wanting to spend money on shit I don't need, I thought of the book. So I drove 20 minutes to Barnes and Noble and bought the book. And a Member Rewards card thingie. Whatevers- the cashier was hot and I'm pretty sure I was hypnotized.

So I read this book in two nights flat and Sascha needs to be my marriage coach. The book is broken up into steps on how to get divorced. And it was funny because I related to every chapter.

STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person. By your late 20s, you’ll realize you were merely over-correcting the first person’s flaws and that the one you married is just as wrong for you as the one you didn’t, but in very different ways.

Not only is this step relevant to just my marriage but it's basically describing all three relationships I've had. Another line in the book that struck a chord was "But although fading fervor is normal, there also has to be a little jealously, a little insecurity, and a little possessiveness." And I agree. Totally. I know really, Matt thinks he can't do any better than me, which may or may not be true, so he wouldn't leave. He'd rather settle and be unhappy forever. Now me on the other hand am the opposite. I may never get married again, but by fucking god I have to think it's possible for me to be in a relationship with someone and not dread coming home. I'm not a jealous person but back in the day- if Matt was eyeing up a chick I'd immediately compare myself. Now I'm secretly begging he'd just cheat so I'd have an excuse out and not look like an asshole. I try very hard to have a social life now because I realized that by not having one from age 19-27 I was killing myself. I missed EVERYTHING that 20 something assholes do. I'm not saying I want to be puking and on the verge of death in the bathroom of a seedy bar and wondering where my underwear went. I just would have liked the opportunity. But now when I go out- if Matt is every jealous I have no idea. I have no idea if he feels anything ever because I don't hear about it. I sometimes feel like I have a better emotional relationship with my gay cat than I do my husband.

In all there are 30 steps and each one is funnier and funnier, but more sad. But it's only sad if you are in say, a happy marriage. Or are a newlywed. But if you have hit the 5 year mark in your marriage and wake up 5 out of 7 days hoping that your spouse has moved their stuff out while you were sleeping and left an optional note- you might enjoy this book. If you plan events and kind of hope your spouse backs out so you can bring a kick ass friend and pretend to be hot and single, this book is for you. If you already have at least one marriage under the table by age 30 you will love this book. If you are a guy who never wants to get married you should read this book to know where and when you should start fucking up.

Book Review: Hand of Fate, by Lis Wiehl

What a great book. Normally- I don't know that I would pick this one up if I were out browsing for books. It's part of a series but what's fantastic is that you don't need to read the one that comes before it. It stands on its own.

It's the story of a popular radio talk show host, Jim Fate, who was killed in the studio by a mysterious and poisonous gas. The murder came on the heels of threats and scares of sarin gas and put the city of Portland into a panic. In the aftermath it follows three women, a federal prosecutor, a television anchor woman and an FBI agent who are all friends and all have a connection to Jim Fate and together try to solve his murder.

This book has a ton of twists and turns and really- you have no idea who did it. I thought I figured it out and why, but in the end, I was wrong. It was a page turner and generally very entertaining. It's a good book to read if you are looking to depart from what you usually read.

With that being said, if you want this book- let me know! I will give my copy away to the first person to comment saying "I Want This Book!".

Random Sara and Book Review: ARE YOU THERE VODKA? IT'S ME, CHELSEA by Chelsea Handler

I'm going to be frank. I don't know really what I can say to force you to read this book. This book is a million shades of awesome. I love Chelsea Handler. Chelsea is me in a few years. I am pretty sure that had I not gotten married at 22 and had babies so early this would have been my future. And it would have been amazing. So I am basically going to give a really lame ass review interspersed with quotes from the book.

"...For a woman, being a redhead is a completely acceptable trait. Oftentimes it can be extremely attractive. Conversely, being a redheaded man is pretty much a lose-lose situation. It's incredibly hard to take redheaded men seriously, never mind think of them in any sort of sexual capacity. Obviously, it's not their f...ault that they were born with red hair. However, it is their responsbility to change that hair color once they have access to a convenience store or supermarket. It's one thing to have a harelip, or even a leg that's a couple of inches shorter than the other, but if you're a man with red hair and don't opt to do everything in your power to alter that, then obviously you're not serious about experiencing all life has to offer."

"Red got up and walked out of my bedroom toward the front door. Before he made it out I added one last thing: 'And you might want to think about trimming your bush!' Then I ran back into my room before he could say anything about my beaver.."

This book is hilarious for a lot of reasons other than the fact Chelsea wrote it. First off, she talks about her family's dysfunctional qualities so unabashedly and unapologetically that I only WISH I could do. I have a field of land minds in my family that I could write entire books about. And I'm not even going to touch my in-laws. But what I love about it is when she's interviewed and is blatantly asked how her family feels about this- she's honest when she says they don't care. And that's awesome. Because I'm a firm believer that if you can't make fun of your situation, and see the humor in it, there is something wrong with you. If you can't step back and make fun of yourself or those around you without worrying that you are damaging their self esteem to the point that they may kill themselves, there is something wrong with you. I will tell you if you suck. Sure, I might do it behind your back but if you ask me what my opinion of you is, please be ready for it. It might not be pretty.

Which is what has gone wrong with our society. You wonder why we have people so up in arms about hurting feelings, or being politically correct. Dammit. If you suck you need to know. If you are a rude ass son of a bitch, you need to know. If you are "woe is me" 99% of the time and are driving those around you into alcoholism just to cope with you, you need to know. But don't get it twisted- if you are an awesome person and you are doing kind and great and wonderful things for others, I will tell you that I think you are a million shades of super and I will tell others as well. Because frankly, I'm sick and tired of people being so god damn offended when somebody says something not so nice or points out a flaw of yours. Because guess what? You need to know.

"While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was six- to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach."

The other thing I love about Chelsea and her books is how she openly talks about sex. Now I have not had a ton of sexual partners, only 3 and I'm married to one of them, and so I when I read her books the first thing I think is "Son of a bitch. I just KNEW I should have whored it up." Because I think I'm missing a lot of experience that I really should have. I mean, I have had a lot of whacked out things happen to me with these three men and in my eleven years of sexual activity that I will tell you was NEVER covered in any sex ed, health class, or OB/GYN brochure. Considering I started reading Cosmopolitan a full year after I lost my virginity I was already way behind. And I'm really sorry- but their pictures? Their directions? Maybe I don't have a firm grasp of the English language but NONE of it makes sense to me. Anything super exciting I've ever done in bed has been complete accidents. That thank god I remember how to repeat. But Cosmo has failed me.

"Although I had developed a serious crush on our plumber that year, I wasn't sure that I was ready for penetration. I had seen my very first penis on a porno tape I stole from my brother, and was completely flabbergasted. While I had heard a lot about size and shape of the penis, no one had ever mentioned that there were going to be balls attached to it. Not to mention that there would be two of them, that they would be covered in hair, and that later in life, they would most likely end up smacking you in the face. I'm really glad I got the heads-up when I did, (a) because if I had found myself in bed with someone and see his two little friends headed toward me with no prior warning, I probably would have lodged a formal complaint with Internal Affairs, and (b) because it gave me plenty of time to shop for the perfect-size chin guard".

I also think that Chelsea gives a lot of pertinent, useful and applicable information to men as well in her books.

"...if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis."

I encourage you to check out any of her books. This is her second one, but she also has MY HORIZONTAL LIFE (which is hilarious and makes me angry that I've never had a one night stand) and she has a new one out called CHELSEA, CHELSEA- BANG, BANG which I have and am going to read after I finish up the book I'm on now.