Monday, January 31, 2011

Hustle, Fat Ass. Weightloss Challenge: week one

It's week one of our Weightloss Challenge and I'm already hating every second of it. So if you think you can't join us and would rather be fat just know you suck goat balls. (I'm kidding! This is clearly the hunger talking.)

Before I get into the rules and guidelines of our challenge.. here is my really half ass attempt at a pep talk. (You should know I am fresh out of the shower and my face is still red from fuckmill activity.)

The Rules:
1. Every Monday you must weigh yourself. And take a picture of your cankles on the scale. And post it. Bitches don't scoff at me! Part of motivation for this is the shame and public humiliation! And if I'm making you do it.... then I'll do it too. Here's me this week:

I'm not going to lie- I did this three times to see if maybe something was wrong. I was expecting high 160's. BUT according to online calculators, my ideal weight (since I'm 5'3) is 126 pounds. Dude- I have a long ways to go. *BARF*

2. You cannot starve yourself or puke. Because it's cruel, gross, and fucking cheating. Don't be a cheater.

3. You post on Mondays with your weight picture (see above) and list your challenges for the week. My challenge this weekend was coming to grips with having to curb my eating. I fucking ADORE junk food. I'm sure my insides are rotting as we speak but it's so good.

4. List your goal for the next week. My goal is to drink one glass of milk per day and try not to throw up when the mental image of cow udders pop into my head. (Shut up, this really happens and then I think I'm drinking from an udder and it's all downhill from there. I'm serious.)

5. You MUST work out three times per week. A workout can include going to a gym, going for a walk, working with a DVD, etc but it must equal to at least 30 minutes per session. I did my fuckmill for 30 minutes with a walk/run combo (die) and then I did 60 crunches along with my hand weights for some arm exercises. I feel ok now but we'll see how I feel tomorrow because already my abs are sore. :/

Ok. So that's easy, right? Once you get your post up, come back here and leave a comment. That means that other people playing along can be motivators but more importantly... that means I can come and motivate/shame you faster! :) YAY!

Good luck lambies!

Friday, January 28, 2011

da-da-da-da-Dear Sara!

You see what I did there? I sang my title!

OK. So I didn't in real life. You'll live. Actually you'll live a longer life with your hearing because me singing is horrid.

But it's time for Dear Sara.

1. In lieu of your eat like a fat whore weekend... McDonald's or Burger King. Dudes. If I had to chose between the two it's totally going to be Burger King. Specifically a #9 with no mayo, large fry, large Coke. (That's the original chicken.) If I absolutely HAD to eat at McDonald's, it's a #3, only ketchup, large fry, large Coke. (that's the quarter pounder with cheese.) BUT my hands down favorite place.. Wendy's. All the way bitches. There.. I could eat everything. Not really because I'm picky. BUT my go-to meal there is the #6, lettuce only, large fry/Coke. (That's the spicy chicken). OR I'll get the crispy chicken sandwich, ketchup only, large fry/Coke. OR the chicken nuggets. God help me. I'm fucking STARVING right now. Ugh. But I did have Wendy's for lunch because my meal was free because I'm a frequent customer of Wendy's. HA!

2. Now that you have started vlogging my husband has decided that he may just be in love with you. Could you please tell him what happens to those who lust after (and probably secretly masturbate over) somebody other than their spouse? Guess what? Several of you have emailed me to tell me that your husbands love me. I'm sorry. As long as they don't start stalking me, I'm totally fine with it. BUT I highly suggest that you remind your husbands that it's scientifically proven their penis will fall off if they masturbate to the wrong thing. Seriously. I read that in Cosmo. Or National Geographic. I can't really pin down where I read it but I know I did. And if your wife catches you- I don't think anybody is going to find her guilty in a court of law. I'm just sayin. It's not worth your penis. Unless you don't love your penis. In which case you should be having a different kind of coming-to-Jeebus meeting with your wife about maybe being a girl. (As an aside I'm a full supporter of LGBT communities so you'll always be a lambwhore to me)

3. Do you wear contacts? Because in some of your vlogs your eyes are REALLY blue. No. I don't wear contacts because I'm a big baby and can't handle anything to do with my eyes. Like, I can't even put drops in, so when they are dry I'd rather go around with blood shot eyes looking like a stoner than vag up and put some Visine in. This also means I pussy out at the eye doctor. I wear glasses and I believe my vision has worsened so I should be wearing them way more often. I wear them when I drive new places or at night for sure though. BUT I've only been to the eye doctor twice since I've been 16. Folks, I'm on the cusp of 29.. so that means I'm not seeing that doctor very regularly. BUT I'm going to go this year (maybe) because I really do need new glasses. So no, the eye color you see is what I am. My eyes also change. So sometimes they look really blue while other times they are really green. I'm a freak. BUT my birth certificate says blue.

And finally... our last question for this evening is brought to you by ME. But I kind of think this song should play in the background?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

One step away from hypothermia.

Well folks, 2011 is continuing to be a horrible year. 2011 is nothing if not consistent and last night it proved that YET AGAIN it has something against me.

Let me set the scene for you. It's approximately 8pm.. the kids are in bed (Jackson is sleeping, Olivia is not), Matt and I are on the couch. I feel chilly so I put a sweatshirt on top of my long sleeved, double layer shirt and put my slippers in addition to my thick socks. Matt puts more clothes on, and we conserve body heat on the couch with two blankets. At about 8:45, Matt asks, "Is it just me or is it cold in here?" as we both sit there shivering like fashionable homeless people. I agree so I toddle off to the thermostat. I don't go over there enough to see what the temp was, but I say, "it's set for 70". Matt replies with, "There is not a fucking chance it's 70 in here."

So I go back over to actually see what the temp is. Well... it was 53 degrees. Awesome. While shivering on the couch we hear the furnace turn on and it's just a noise you hear in the background and don't give it much thought. Unless you're freezing and hear the noise.

So Matt goes to investigate. It seems our furnace, an approximately 7 year old generic piece of shit meant for southern states and not the rigorous use of northern states, decides it's kind of over working. Like, it just feels like it needs a break. So it just refuses to blow. (Which I can understand. I'm not a fan of blowing either but sometimes you just have to take one for the team, ya know?) The furnace knows to turn on, the flame ignites... but then nothing starts blowing.

So there's Matt, sitting next to the litter box on a little kid's step stool in the cubby of our laundry room trying to read the furnace manual and figure out what the eff is going on. Or not going on as it were.

He is like 60% sure it's the flame sensor. The thing that tells the furnace "Hey- I've got a flame- blow me". The 40% chance we're REALLY hoping it's not is that the entire thing is malfunctioned. Like...requiring a new one. A new furnace is a couple thousand dollars. To install said furnace puts us up around $3,500. If we're lucky. BUT the kicker... is the venting.

You see.. when we bought the house Matt thought the vents looked whack. What you don't see in this picture that is to the left, is that the vents are a giant mash up. So, whoever installed it (probably the dickweasel who had the house before us) just put it in, half assed the vents, and called it a day. Which explains why the kids' bedrooms have no heat (seriously- they have NONE. I have to heat their rooms up with a space heater and then turn it off at bedtime), why the bathroom has heat and is hotter than the 3rd ring of Hell, and why there are heat vents under windows in our living room. Oh, and one in the middle of the floor in the kitchen. Basically- it was done all wrong.... which is why we're always cold anyways.

AND... it's why we can't get on what is called "secure heat" here. You see, secure heat is a fun feature that you pay like $20 a month for on your utility bill. So let's say, oh.. that your furnace decides to stop working.. you call and they come to fix it. For free. That's right- it's like furnace insurance. But to get on that, your furnace and venting needs to be code. Which ours isn't. And we just don't have that kind of money laying around.

Matt tinkered with it enough to get it to kick on, but he's very adamant that it's a temporary fix and that if we make it another month like that it'll be a miracle.

So. Let's cross our fingers, toes, and dick/balls and hope it's the flame sensor. Which we have to order because tee-dah... nobody carries that part around here. And let's hope that Mr. Furnace can work a little bit until NEXT Friday. Otherwise we might all die of hypothermia.

So yeah. But fun fact- it's really bizarre to wake up seeing your breath. In your bedroom. It's like camping..but indoors. It's kind of weird.

Anyways. So that's my plight this coming weekend.

Tomorrow is my Dear Sara post... and I need a few more questions. So email them to: sarastrand9438(AT)hotmail(DOT)com.

Also, starting Monday I'm starting a weight loss challenge. So eat like a fat whore this weekend bitches because I want you to get on board with this shiz. The hope is that I shame you enough to not want to be a fat ass. Sound good? No? Good. It's not supposed to be fun. Losing weight is not fun. I don't care what Jillian Michaels tells you- you are not going to like it and you will feel like dying and eating a bunch of Taco Bell. Even if they are using faux-cow meat. Whatever. So just get on board. Details coming Monday. :)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Winner, Fat Ass, and WINDOW

Ok. So I know I'm a day late posting the winner of the Alpine Weight Loss Secrets giveaway but I did it for you today. So here is my drawing and me.... talking about how I need to lose weight and why.

I also promised that I'd update you on my window. After driving around for like three weeks with a "window" made of plastic or "chicken wrap" as Olivia called it (because I wrap bulk chicken in Saran Wrap.. get it??).......
I have a window!!! YAY!

Fun fact- you take for granted all of the reasons you have a window. Not just because it protects you from the elements, which is nice and all. But you don't realize how LOUD being on the road is, or how much you use the window to see until you have nothing to see out of. I'm on day two where I can switch lanes without the 50/50 chance I'm going to take out another vehicle! It's really nice.

What isn't nice is the fact I paid my $250 deductible, cleaning out my savings AND checking accounts, and then realizing my insurance is going to be billed $51. Hi. If I had been TOLD that when I talked to the glass people, I would have waited for my tax return and just fixed it then and saved the risk of my insurance going up. Fuck. But what can you do. I already got it fixed.

The fun part was when they came to get my vehicle they asked which one it was. The options were my van, with the plastic chicken wrapped window, or a red Corolla. Um... take a pick? Like use your best judgement. And then when they brought it back I asked how I was supposed to pay and they were like, "Call the number whenever..." Um. So potentially this could be a free window?? Of course I paid because I am a good, decent, tax paying, law abiding citizen but damn if the thought didn't cross my mind. AND they pushed my seat way back and tilted it. It was like the world's tallest person was low riding in my minivan. I literally fell into my vehicle getting in. It was so weird.

OK. Also I need to let you know that my blog might look fucking CRAZY ass for awhile. I'm going to try to make it look better and not drive me nuts... but we'll see how I do. Seriously. If you are an expert in that kind of thing now is the time to suck up. :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Frustrated times bunches.

So instead of me posting about my window, the freezing house I now live in because of falling insulation, the crack in my living room wall and other weird stuff.. I'm going to vent.

Because I can and will.

1. Olivia is still not sleeping well. Like, she'll stay in her room but I can hear her playing. Then she is downstairs at the ass crack of morning demanding breakfast and my help putting Barbie's pants back on. Which, really? No. I can't function like that right away. I have to wake up, lay there in my bed while I think about the things I have to do while I contemplate the worth of my really doing them BEFORE I can even get up to pee. I just can't be on demand like that. Then she complains that she's tired. I'm just ov-ah it.

2. Jackson not taking naps? Not ok. Granted, Olivia stopped with naps around 3, and Jackson will be 3 in April. I get it. But this kid is like me and needs like 14 hours of sleep to be a normally functioning, chipper, happy person the next day. It's just a fact of life. This blog might be one of those mommy blogs where the mom really loves everything and everyone if I were getting 14 hours of sleep and writing this in the morning. But that's not what happens and that's why this is how this blog rolls. But today he was just non stop screaming, crying, flailing, throwing, hitting, kicking bundle of hot mess from the time I got him at my mom's until this very minute. That's right- that kid is in bed 30 minutes earlier than usual and he is PISSED OFF up in his room. Well, whatever, destructo. Just know that every time you break something, it's coming out of your make believe college fund, homie.

3. I posted it on my Facebook but I'm pretty much over people's passive aggressive/Mean Girls shit. OVER it. If you have a problem with someone.. jesus just say it. Seriously. I had to send a friend an email letting her know that saying vague shit on her Facebook which is so clearly about me is lame, childish, and not going to be tolerated. If you have a problem- you fucking say it so we can deal with it. No response back, but whatever. I'm sick and tired of people doing this kind of crap and then turn around and be nice to the person. What? No. Not ok. You don't have to like everyone, and if you just aren't feeling that person- NO BIG DEAL. You can still be polite and civil. You don't have to be snarky and then talk about the person in such a stupid way that you know they know what you're talking about.

4. Politics. Can I just say- that while I voted Obama, and I'm disappointed that we aren't in a better place right now, I just really wish people would shut the fuck up. Just shut up. Do you realize that he alone does not control everything? Do Americans realize that everything goes through Congress? That if Congress just their whore mouths for an hour and worked together instead of fighting, arguing, bickering, pointing fingers, and dredging up the past.... we could probably get a lot further in a shorter amount of time? The President is giving his State of the Union and ALREADY the GOP has a rebuttal. WTF? He hasn't even spoken yet. How about you just hold your fucking panties, listen to his ideas, and then like an adult, figure out how to make it work or make it better. We tell our children to respect those in authority, to mind your manners, to talk in turn, be respectful of your peers, talk rationally and calmly, yet most of those in Congress, the media, and the general public are completely incapable of doing any of these things. Just because there is something you don't agree with- don't assume right away it's Obama. LOOK AROUND because there is more to running a country than one person.

5. People who use a fast food drive thru for a ton of shit. I sat at McDonald's, clutching $1.06 in nickels and pennies for my large coke crack fix, for 25 minutes. All because some fat ass in a Ford Focus was ordering what ended up being 9 bags of food and three drink trays. I'm sorry- but maybe you should just walk your fat ass into the store and made trips to your car. Drive thru is for a few items, it's meant to be fast. The guy in front of me was totally losing it and screaming at Mr. Fat Ass Ford Focus and I'm sitting in my van laughing deliriously while my caffeine levels were dipping dangerously low. I could have died from caffeine withdrawal.

Ok. So I feel kind of better. *sigh*

I will announce the winner of the Alpine Weight Loss Secrets giveaway tomorrow. Because I'm too lazy to do anything with it tonight. And I'm tired. You'll deal with it. :)

How do you say it? And some cleavage.

Hey biznitches! I bet you thought I forgot about you! But that's not the case. My phone has been blowing up with text messages today, I had some stuff to finish AND I did a vlog for you.

Aw... it means I really love you.

First thing is first- MY VAN WINDOW IS FIXED. I have exactly $3 to my name until the next payday on February 5th and that's scary, but the most important thing is that I am no longer at risk for frostbite on my ear or neck! YAY!! I'll take a picture of it in it's glory and tell you the story about it... tomorrow most likely.


So on Jamie's blog today I saw she did this super adorable vlog of her saying words and you can get a kick out of her adorable self and southern accent. If I didn't already want to eat her already this video sent me over the edge. She's adorable. Seriously.

But I wanted to do the challenge because a lot of you made comments about my accent and how I say stuff so I thought oh fuck it- let's do this shiz. ;) If you have a webcam.. I want you to do this! And send me a link at: sarastrand9438(AT)hotmail(DOT)com so I can see it!

Say these words: Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught (in the video I sound like I said "cunt" and I swear to you it's me saying "caught". HAHA!!)

Now answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you change the TV channel with?
OK. Like I said- if you have a webcam.. do this and then post your link in the comments section. I want to see/hear you! It'll be fun! And it's totally ok if you make fun of how I sound. After listening to it... I kind of do sound weird. I'll give you that. :)

Drinking Closer to Home

If the title doesn't pull at you, there is something wrong with you.

Drinking Closer to Home: A Novel (P.S.)
There is nothing like ten days with one's family to stir up childhood memories. When Anna, Portia, and Emery's mother Louise, suffers a massive heart attack, the three grown children return to Santa Barbara as they wait for Louise to either recover or die.

Anna can't stop thinking about sex with strangers, though in junior high she was terrifyingly certain that her free-loving parents had syphilis. Portia's beach-bunny teen years feel far away as she struggles with an unfaithful husband who has left her feeling boneless and unsure. And though Emery's greatest childhood fear was that The Law would catch up with their parents for any one of the numerous transgressions, now his only worry is that he won't be able to create his own family, a newer, better version that will trump the chaos that ruled his childhood.

But time together also brings to the surface that sometimes painful, often heartbreaking secrets that will shake the foundations of everything the siblings know about themselves and their family-secrets that may, perhaps, change the way they view the past as well as the future.

Before I get into the review, I will tell you- I loved this book. I loved it because I could relate to it. I think most people would agree that most families are quirky and weird and no family is like the other. My family is just me, my brother, my mom, and my step dad. And I remember growing up knowing my parents were not like the other parents and I remembered thinking how weird they were. My parent's didn't volunteer, they didn't cart me and my friends around wherever we wanted to go, they treated us like mini adults in a sense but laid down the law. We didn't have the deep family discussions- you only came to them if you had a problem and if it wasn't major you figured it out on your own. My brother and I are similar but way different. I'm very nose-in-a-book and studious, sarcastic and giving. He's very athletic, funny, and kind hearted. We get along great and I go to my brother when I have a problem before I go to my mom sometimes. We were raised with the mentality that no matter what- love your sibling because someday it'll be all we have.

So I related to this book in that sense, but also the sense that eventually- your parents will pass away. With my dad's heart attack this year it drove that point home to us- either one of them could go any day. And it brings up childhood memories and you think about the things you'd miss when they leave.

The parents in this book remind me of my own in a way and I loved it. Some of the things they say are things my mom and dad would say. The conversations the siblings had are conversations like I've had with my own brother. It felt like this is the story of what would happen if one of my parents were maybe dying in a hospital.

I loved how you got a glimpse into the childhood of each child and then their present day life. I loved how the author tied it all together before she presented the "secrets" part of it and how it would maybe shape the future of the family. I can't tell you how I felt about the ending without giving it away but when I read it I thought, "yeah... I kind of knew it'd end like this" because in retrospect- the book is written after the ending event. So it makes sense on how it was written now that I know how it ended. That means nothing to you but it's a thought I had afterwards.

What I also admired about this book is how it really drives home the point that so often people say their childhood is the excuse for why they do things, often destructive things, as an adult. And really? It's not an excuse. As an adult you learn how to look at something and say, "Well- that's how they did it, that's how they thought.. but I can and will do better." Just because your parents think a certain way, or do something a certain way, it doesn't mean it's the right way. And as adults you have to figure that out and how to rise above it- how to be a better person.

I highly recommend this book for anybody who's facing the reality that eventually.. your parents will pass away. Anyone who has had a hard time at reconciling their childhood and just saying, "It's ok. No matter what it was... it's in the past and it doesn't shape who I am today." It's a good book and there were parts where I really laughed out loud and some parts that reminded me of a favorite childhood memory of my own. Definitely recommend.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A little bit of everything.

Well I'm officially sick yet again this year and I'm just a little more than over people bringing their germ infested children to school and my daughter being a carrier and infecting us and the world.

Last night I thought my nose piercing was infected. I panicked. I google'd it and WebMD'd it and it turns out that no, I'm not infected. It was FROZEN in my nose. After a hot shower it no longer hurt. I could move it again. Seriously. You know it's cold outside when the boogers freeze in your nose and in your nose piercing hole. Gross. But yay for no infection!

But let's get on with my randomness:

These are the cherry measuring cups/spoons I got from my mom for Christmas. I'm going to be honest- I feel like Paula Deen when I use them! They are so freaking adorable that I have them sitting out on a rectangle plate on my counter. Someday I'll get a shelf put up (hint, hint, Matt!!) and they'll be up there properly. But she got these at Pier One. I wanted the elephant ones, but those were sold out, so she got these. And I think I love these better.
Stumpy and Batman have been doing this pretty much all day, every day. Stumpy will throw himself at the food bowl begging for more when you can't even see the bottom yet. Stumpy has a food addiction. Batman has taken to jumping off stuff and then going right into a roll on the floor. He's clearly brain damaged as well.
 Oh... I think the fact this was named "Image.666" on my camera is not a coincidence. This thing almost KILLED me the other day. For those of you not familiar with a real winter it's a giant hunk of what was once snow but has now turned into ice. These form on the wheel well of your vehicle and you have to kick them off otherwise they could puncture your tire. Or in the very least make it hard to turn. Anyways. So they are in parking lots everywhere but this thing was HUGE. The picture is not doing it justice. It was like the size of Stumpy. And I not only hurt my toe (and bruised it) but I almost fell over and died. It would have been a terrible way to go.
 Then I made some cards this weekend because I am embarrassingly behind in um... everything. BUT I have a bunch of baby showers coming up and so I made a set of these cards for one in February as part of the gift. I know from experience that you get all kinds of gifts AFTER your baby is born and if you don't have thank you cards handy you will never remember to send them. AND people are super impressed if you get a thank you out right away. (If you don't send thank you cards for gifts you are a shitty person. Do better.) But this is also going to be my submission for the WeeMemories challenge this week.
 And then because I'm REALLY behind in Christmas gifts for some people (I swear on my vagina they are going out tomorrow. They are. Truly. I already have them packaged.) I finished those up this weekend. Here's a set of cards for a friend. I am kind of in love with them. I might make a set for myself because they are so fun. I had these stamps sitting around and I realized I had never used them. Whoops. So they were de-virgin-ized.
 And then I had one sheet of this pretty orange/green paper left and I thought I may as well use it up. So I made a new card set for my Etsy shop. It's a pretty glittery paper too.
And then I made homemade chicken noodle soup. Which was super good. But I got that going and took a nap. Which seemed to only make me feel more sick.

Oh- before I sign off I will tell you that I have a NEW email address. Change it if you had my old one. Save this one if you want to be a cool kid: . And some of you asked what my Facebook account was and it is HERE.

OK- so I'll be back tomorrow with a vlog. Of me saying different words so you can all just laugh hysterically at my accent. :)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Alpine Weight Loss Secrets (Review + Giveaway)

Alpine Weight Loss Secrets: The Natural Way to Look 5, 10, Even 20 Years Younger (Volume 1)
As most of you know.. I have struggled with my weight loss. While last year I hit the 20 pounds lost mark... this year I have even further to go. Which is kind of daunting to me and since I truly cannot afford to go to a gym, I really don't have time to go to a gym, and I'm essentially a baby.. I'm looking for creative ways to lose weight.

So I signed up to review a copy of Stefan Aschan's Alpine Weight Loss Secrets. And after reading it I realize that I really do have to change my diet. He explains all the different types of foods really well and he breaks them down into different groups than what you would normally see.

I'm going to be honest though. I know that I am not capable of eating the way that is outlined in the book. I really struggle with fruits and vegetables and I'm certain that there is something actually wrong with me because just thought of eating a green bean makes me gag. Truly.

But what I CAN take from this book are the workout ideas. I've mostly only walked to lose my weight and I realized that walking outside with my iPod is vastly different from walking inside on a treadmill. I hate it. I hate walking on the treadmill which has been dubbed a fuckmill in this house. I hate it. I also hate the cold so walking outside in -30 degree weather is not going to happen either.

"A walk is a moment to celebrate time for yourself when you're able to disconnect from all your obligations, worries, and pressures."

What makes the exercise portion do-able is that you are supposed to aim doing the Alpine Aerobic Solution 1-2 times a week. The other thing is that it's different every day. There are all kinds of exercises that you can do in your neighborhood without looking like a person who is slightly mentally unstable and possibly wielding a weapon. (I'm talking to you, person who says to do a 30 second sprint and do 15 squats for 5 full minutes. Nobody thinks that's normal.)

I started doing some of the exercises, specifically the "Throwing the Pumpkin-Shoulder" one and I thought I was going to die. I thought my arms were going to fall right off. Clearly these exercises are made to do something so we'll see how it goes.

BUT I know I have a bunch of readers who have a goal of some weight loss themselves this year. And I have a PDF copy of the book for myself and I want to give away a hard copy version of the book. Want it? Here's how to get it:

1. Must be a follower to this blog via GFC.
2. Leave a comment with your email address telling me what your main stumbling block is with weight loss.

That's it. Easy peasy. I will draw a name randomly from my bowl on TUESDAY, January 25th. Maybe I'll even announce it via vlog. ;)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Dear Sara. Winner. Hacked. 'Nuff said.

Ok whores. I have a lot going on and had a pretty shittastic day overall, but that will be explained in the vlog below.

I haven't given this award out in a few weeks because everything has been blah to me and yeah. I just don't know... I was totally PMS'ing because I have my period as of today. (Because I know some of you care.) But this week I'm going to give this award to.....

....Stacey at Havoc & Mayhem because she may be getting downgraded but she's a winner to me. And I kind of laughed at her giant tower, soon to be giant teepee in her yard. HA!

Anyways. Here's the questions for this week:

1. Describe your worst haircut/hairdo. Oh fucking jesus. There have been so many but the one that was the most traumatic in memory was 7th grade. Like two weeks before school started my mom wanted me to get my hair cut. And I got a girl mullet.
I know how bad it looks. It was horrible. Another fun fact is that my hair grows really slow. (PROBABLY because I'm practically malnourished with not eating fruits/veggies or drinking milk. Whatever.) I remember crying because at the time, I had a similar haircut to my grandma and I did not want to go to school. And seriously- it was like this all of 7th grade. In 8th grade I had a little more bob to it but I still looked stupid.

2. What would be your dream vacation? Honestly? It's going to be my 2012 Roadtrip. I'm so excited I feel like a horny hamster. Seriously. I love road trips, I love my friends, I love doing stupid and random stuff and it will all happen on this trip. I'm going to meet other bloggers, hit the beach, and go into my 30's with a bang.

3. Mickey Rourke (the bloated version) offers you $500K to spend a weekend with him.. your answer is? Hell fucking no. Girl, I just couldn't. Because his face scares me. He has that grin where it's like Cheshire Cat with no teeth because all you see are the previously plumped and now deflated lips. He's littered with STD's I'm sure. And now. Ew. No. Never. Ever. Not even for a new window.

4. So all the talk on your blog about sex toys and everything like that... I have never used one but always wanted to. Thinking about buying one.. what do you recommend? What's your favorite? Well... if you are a beginner and are looking for something to use alone.. a vibrator. Hands down. Go basic, and something that doesn't scare you by looking at it. Definitely. If you are looking to use something with a guy.. you can try a little bullet vibe for him to use during oral sex OR you can get a cock ring. Seriously- they are fun. Especially if you get one that has a nub or bullet vibe attached to stimulate you at the same time. I say start small and work your way up! My favorites are: this, this, and this.

And finally... click on Play to hear who won the $25 EdenFantasys Gift Card, my bad luck of being hacked, and window update. And me maybe dying.

Night lambwhores!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Because I have nothing..

I'm going to give you two of my fav YouTube finds from today. Mostly because my brother likes to keep me laughing.

and of course, ferrets.

But I am still sticking with a guard llama. I did ask Matt about getting a llama and if I'm not mistaken his exact words (only after the pained look of aggravation) were, "Sara- you mentally drain me. Jesus christ." And if that's not the pinnacle of success of a relationship I just don't know what would be.

I filed our taxes tonight and am reminded how much I hate the entire process. And TurboTax talks to me like I'm stupid. And really, I am when it comes to math, money, and taxes. Mostly because I'm scared shitless if I mess up I'm going to prison for life. Or I'll get audited and not have that one piece of paper they ask for. What was interesting is that our return is more than last year even though:

-We made less this year, mostly from me quitting my job.
-The fact my current job took exactly 0 federal tax from my check. Which, how did I not notice this since June? Huh? How? I don't know.
-I paid less interest in my student loan and mortgage.

WTF world? Granted, I'm not going to bitch. Because this bitch has a window to replace. But GLORY DAYS I think it's going to get fixed very soon. Praise jeebus.

Oh- but guess what? I realized I only owe $2400 in student loans. HOLY effer! That's awesome! I remember getting my first loan payment book exactly six months from graduating and it was telling me my last payment would be made in 2013 and I remember thinking, "holy shit- I could die by then". Not realizing it was only ten years into the future. So the fact that A) it's almost paid off and B) it's almost been ten years since graduating college.... I'm feeling a bit old today. A little wrinkly. But happy that it's almost done. I might go gangbusta on it this year so long as I'm not the unfortunate victim of another window shooting. Or I don't die. There's always that.

OK- so tomorrow is Dear Sara- email me questions (life crisis? Question for me? Question about life?)... I'm looking for my fun one to do a vlog on.

Also... tonight is the LAST chance to enter into my $25 EdenFantasys Gift Card giveaway. Bitches sign up. Dang. Winner will be announced tomorrow.

Kisses & Puppy Chow

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Folks, so..... you remember how I wanted a fainting goat? And Matt said no because  he is an asshole goat dream killer? Ok.

Well I might want a llama now.

And it's my brother's fault.

Earlier today I was on FB and I see my brother posted on my wall. All it says is "youtube llamas with hats" so of course I did.

And I spent the better part of my morning laughing and almost peeing myself.

So then I found a llama attack.

And clearly a llama is the way to go. I mean, he'd kick anybody who wants to shoot out my window's ass.

Under the Mercy Trees

I'm going to be honest- I forgot I had wanted to review this book. When I got it in the mail I couldn't remember what it was about and I had to look it up.

Thirty years ago, Martin Owenby came to New York City with dreams of becoming a writer. Now his existence revolves around cheap Scotch and weekend flings with equally damaged men. When he learns that his older brother, Leon, has gone missing, he must return to the Owenby farm in Solace Fork, North Carolina, to assist in the search. But that means facing a past filled with regrets, the family that never understood him, the girl whose heart he broke, and the best friend who has faithfully kept the home fires burning. As the mystery surrounding Leon’s disappearance deepens, so too does the weight of decades-long unresolved differences and unspoken feelings—forcing Martin to deal with the hardest lessons about home, duty, and love.

And when you first start reading it... it's slow. It really is a slow read. But when I finished it, I was glad I did because all of these characters pull at you. Not just Martin and Liza (the girl who loved him), but all of the Owenby family. They are all screwed up in their own right but each one has a story. This is one of the rare books that completes the story of all of the character. Oftentimes when you have a book that each chapter focuses on a different character's point of view, somebody's story gets lost in the shuffle and it doesn't quite finish how it should. This one pulls it off beautifully.

What I loved about it is that it's really relevant to today even though the story is back a few years and it all starts in the late 50's/early 60's. Think of where our country was on topics such as adultery, homosexuality, and family duty. It's a completely different scenario today... but not really. Martin's story as a young boy discovering he isn't like other boys and although he loves Liza... it's not the same way that she loves him. She plans a future with him and he feels terrible, but he knows he would be breaking her heart no matter what. So his life goes into a tailspin. Which makes me think of all of the kids who are killing themselves by being taunted based on their sexuality, they could be Martin. Martin could be them. You root for Martin through the whole book because you know he has the potential- he just has to be shown that it's ok to be a failure in some rights. It's not the end of the world and life will move on.

The story also touches on mental illness as we perceive it. One of Martin's sisters sees ghosts and she talks to them, sometimes she forgets others can hear her. Everyone of course assumes she's crazy but it's tragic. She suffers tremendous loss in her life with the loss of her children so to speak, and it makes you think of all the people we automatically label as crazy.

Overall, I loved the book. I liked how it tied social issues in with real people and it was believable. I liked how the author shows you the same issues but in two different time periods and you see how time has really changed not just people but the issues themselves. You root for these characters and the ending was something that I never saw coming. Usually I can figure out the ending of the "who done it" but wow- that was not what I was expecting at all. And the ending, tragic as it is, feels like the way it should have ended. It feels like all of the characters are then able to move on past early traumas and into their futures. Which isn't giving you any information about the story really- you'll have to read it to understand it. :)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I have a date!

Aw... I bet for a hot mess minute there you thought my husband was taking me on a date. (But YOU could have a date with your hand if you'd like.. enter my GIVEAWAY).


Silly lambwhores. He is super anti social and his version of a date is letting me share the couch while he watches Antiques Roadshow. Sadly, he will only be 31 in August so he isn't actually geriatric.


No. For Christmas, my super awesome and sister from another vagina, sister-in-law Kate got me my VERY OWN Edward doll. But I call him my Robert. Whatever. I like Edward but I know Robert is not a vampire in real life. I get it. Most of my long time followers remember my birthday gift involving Robert from last year (go HERE if you are clueless), and last year for Christmas Kate got me the movie Robsessed. Which, amazing. I could stare at him for days. Mmm...

OK. But here's me and Robert embracing. Well, it's me before it became Sara vs. Mattel packaging.
(side note- Mattel? Your obscene amount of packaging? Is uncalled for and not necessary. There is no reason I should have to get a really sharp knife to free a fucking doll from a box. And I should not have to wear Hello Kitty band-aids afterwards so I don't get blood on Robert's coat.)

Not only did I get the doll, I got a stand to put him on but I also got an official certificate (why?? WHY do I need this??).

More disturbingly, I was kind of freaked out by the box. No lie. Doesn't he look constipated? I don't remember this look in the movie AT ALL. And I'm going to just embarrass myself and tell the world I have watched Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse AT LEAST twenty times each. I'm SURE there is no constipation happening.
Because... don't vampires body systems stop working? Clearly, I'm not a vampire expert. I've read enough books and seen enough movies though to say I don't remember them pooping. So... that would lead me to believe they don't have to poop.... so they couldn't be constipated. Am I off on this? Can they get gassy and backed up? Do you produce poop if you drink blood? I mean, if there is an expert, please enlighten me.

Anyways. So while everyone wanted me to take cardboard Robert to Eclipse... it's just not possible. He isn't really portable. It IS 6 feet tall and awkward to carry. He also doesn't bend.

BUT I can and most certainly AM bringing Robert doll to the Breaking Dawn show in November. Yes- my calendar is marked, I'm poised to buy tickets online the SECOND they are available and I have a little surprise up my sleeve. A blogger meet up? Perhaps. Oh, perhaps.

But I have a date. Not that Kate isn't enough, believe me, she's a FANTASTIC date and she doesn't smell like dead cats or candidates for Hoarders (unlike the ladies we were behind for New Moon...). Anyways. The only thing about Robert doll is that he has an unfortunate mullet hair do.. which is not like Robert (or Edward) so I'm sad. But his face is shimmery and his eyeliner is applied better than mine. So I don't know. I obviously have to step myself up if he wants to be seen with me in public.

Monday, January 17, 2011

And sometimes a little tinkle turns into a flood.

First off, enter my GIVEAWAY if you haven't yet.

Second off, some of you who are friends with my on Facebook are aware that Jackson, at the ripe age of 2 1/2 is becoming a man. Well, kind of. We initiated him into the wonderful world that is a toilet.

If anyone remembers our ordeal with Olivia, the girl who refuses to be wrong, (which is not like me at ALL, *ahem*) you'll realize why I was a little nervous. Even at age 4 Olivia will still holding poop and then literally exploding only after giving her enemas. (Seriously, if you need advice on Miralax, enemas, suppositories or how to use a qtip to guide out poop... I'm your girl.) It took us TWO YEARS to get her potty trained without accidents. And I was determined it was not going to be that way with Jackson.

Mostly because I didn't think my patience threshold was going to be that great.

Aside from having to dole out discipline appropriately (more on that another day) the worst part of parenting a toddler is hands down potty training. You take it for granted as an adult. Seriously. For those of you who aren't parents of a toddler try putting into words what the sensation of knowing when to go pee or poop is. Try it.

It's hard, yo.

But over the Christmas holidays it became apparent that Jackson was more than ready. The obvious hint came on Christmas Day when I saw him trying to change his own pullup. Yeah. We were ready. So the following Monday I pulled out the potty seat, a bag of suckers, and I had way more caffeine than I should have. (That's actually required so that when they do go in the potty you can be overly enthusiastic about pee, or poop if you're lucky, and motivate them to do it again.)

We started first thing in the morning and he seemed good to go. Except that by 3pm we had only had one accident and no pee anywhere else. I had fears of this child holding in urine and poop. I seriously couldn't go down this road again. I just couldn't.

Day two was pee accidents GALORE. My carpet smelled like a men's urinal pretty much that entire day. I think I even cried at one point. I do remember telling Jackson he could have Popsicles for lunch if he just peed in the potty. It never happened but I was peed on several times throughout the day rushing him to the potty. He was subsequently banned from furniture. And then I banned Olivia for laughing.

Day three- no mistakes. Folks, something happened overnight. I don't know if it was the amount of tears I shed and him just feeling sorry for me or what, but from day three on we haven't had any pee accidents. AND day three also brought us poop in the potty. Which is just as disgusting as a diaper, but maybe more so since his poop is sticky and so I have to use a wipe to get it out. Yup- it's more disgusting in the potty seat. Fail.

But the biggest hurdle has been public bathrooms. I think that he is maybe still traumatized from The Poop Incident and maybe that's our problem. Maybe. But two weekends ago we were at lunch and I braved out into the world without a pullup. Or extra pants. (Fuck off- I'm out of practice hauling kid shit in my purse. Believe me- I'm back into practice now.) So Matt takes him to the men's room only to return 30 seconds later with a red faced and teary Jackson. Matt tells me Jackson lost his shit (not literally, thank god) when he went in there. Matt's downfall as a parent is that he has no finesse. He can't talk children into things like I can. So I take Jackson in with me. He's freaking out until I show him this is a flush toilet, not the automatic. I realize how disgusting it is for me to touch it with my hand, but the boy needs to learn to pee in public. I get him on the toilet, I'm kneeling on the floor that hasn't been cleaned in months and he's like, "I'm peeing!" Funny, because I hear nothing. But then.. oh yes..

I feel the warmth on my crotch. I realize that the problem with little boys is that their little penis is short. So they don't totally bend down. And that you have to actually hold it down. I say to Jackson, "Honey, you have to tuck your pee pee down" to which he replies, "I do, it just keeps flipping out." AND cue hysterical laughter. And I almost dropped Jackson into the toilet. BUT I didn't.

But Matt DID laugh at me when he saw my piss stained pants.

Cue us to Friday at toddler class. I told Jackson literally a 100 times to tell the teacher if you have to potty. The procedure is that they walk the kid down to the parent room and the parent takes them to the potty. Totally fine. I tried two times with Jackson before class. Nothing. He's terrified of the auto flush thing. I draped my sweater over the sensor and he still wasn't having it.

We separate and I'm chillin in the parent class. Then I see Jackson coming with the teacher. He starts telling me he has to pee and we literally run to the bathroom. I get him in there and YET AGAIN I get pissed on, this time my shirt. Jackson also peed all over his underwear/pants because I couldn't get him on there fast enough. So now we both smell. Fortunately, I had a change of pants/underwear for him in my purse but he was so upset that he peed on me. I said it was ok, good job for telling teacher, etc. I walked him back to class which he loudly says, "I peed on mommy!!!"


So the moral of this story is that I need a fold up potty seat with the little pee dome protector thingie. Otherwise I'm going to continue smelling like pee. And I thought for sure I wouldn't have that problem until my 70's. At least.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I? Was a busy beaver.

*And that title is true for not only what I'm going to post but stuff I won't post about. ;)

If you haven't entered my GIVEAWAY, then you are kind of sucking right now. And I'm not talking about sucking candy, I'm talking sucking sweaty man balls. Just sayin.

Anyhoodles. So this weekend I was busy. Like busier than I thought I was going to be. So let's run it down so you can marvel at my awesome.

Friday. Well, I had like one million and three errands to run, so in the end I'm glad I didn't work. Extra hours would be good, but these were all things I hadn't gotten to during the week. Anyways. So, because Olivia has school during the middle of all my running around, I had her go to my mom's for lunch and she was thrilled. She told me later she was glad to have alone time with Grandma. So while I felt bad ditching her and taking Jackson... I'm glad she had fun. So I ran all of my errands and then had lunch with my bestie, Lisa. Who's going on Roadtrip 2012 with me and other friends of mine. Anyways. So we usually don't exchange Xmas gifts, but she got me this Retro Mama desk calendar. HILARIOUS. She's one of those people that just get me. Anyways- one of the calendars said:

"If you so much as flinch for a nano-second when doling out discipline, you can kiss your Imperial Rule goodbye."

Um.. how very true. So the rest of the calendar looks hilarious. AND I ordered a stamp set for DIRT CHEAP online that I thought would make a cute set of cards for her.. my favorite little cat hoarder to be friend. :) Anyways.

So after lunch Jackson and I went to toddler school. And he was SO effing excited. I'm kind of "meh" on it because I'm not like the moms in there, and since the parents separate for parenting class type stuff I kind of just go with the flow. And I left there thinking that if Jackson didn't love it so much I wouldn't go back. But more on that a different day.

Oh- and I'll post about the potty training sitch with Jackson tomorrow, so part of my story from Friday is going on there. Trust me- hilarity ensues.

Anyways. So after toddler class we picked up Olivia and I started cleaning my house. You know when you work all week and all of a sudden the filth hits you? That's where I was at. So Friday before dinner I'm cleaning the bathroom and decided the mop didn't do a good enough job and I scrubbed the bathroom floor with my hands and sponge/towel combo. Needless to say my back hurt the rest of the night.

But then I got my crafty on. Like MAY-JAH. I got 8 scrapbook pages done and two cards sets. Here's one variety set: (and it's in my shop already)

 And the other from that night I'm using as my own stash.

On Saturday, Matt & the kids went out to his parents and they took Batman & Stumpy. A vet was holding a outreach clinic so we brought them there for their booster shots to save us an office visit charge. Which GREAT because the shots were still $52 total. Um, yeah. There goes some of the window money I set aside. FML. But it had to get done and we saved ourselves another $50 at least in what would have been an office visit PLUS the gas to drive to Ashland, over an hour away. Yes, our new vet is in Ashland because the one in Superior are being motherfucking whores and I hate them. Anyways.

But while they were gone I had to go to the craft store to get stuff to finish a custom frame order for someone and I found this bird stamp in the $1 bin. So I made a set of 6 cards. It'll be in my shop... either later tonight or tomorrow.
 AND while they were gone I cleaned the house. I also want it noted that I changed the dirt holding bag thingie on the vacuum cleaner by myself and without mess. I know. It's the first time EVER and I was so proud. I didn't even have Stumpy and Batman to brag too. But it was very exhilarating to suck up more stuff knowing that the bag isn't on the verge of exploding. UNTIL I sucked up something weird and broke the belt. Whoops. But I can't do that and so Matt assures me he'll get to it. Right. I totally believe him, too.

BUT I also swept/mopped my other floors with a vengeance. It's ridiculous how accomplished I feel cleaning floors. I also did SEVEN loads of laundry. My basket still isn't empty. BUT on the other hand, I have clean socks and underwear. Win.

Then today we ran around and I returned some things I decided I didn't need (mostly because I just shelled out $52 for the cats to get injections in their ass and hi- we need bread & milk), and I had to use part of our Menards gift card to get batteries so I can take pictures of stuff for Etsy and put it up. Kind of sad, eh?

But then while I was cooking the bestest sloppy joes EVER, I made this set:
 which will be in the shop soon. Oh, and Olivia helped me make these:
Jackson... well he's sick. He was Mr. Grumpy Pants at lunch and just about lost it when I asked him to put his jacket on. I put him down for a nap and he woke up with a fever. Swell. Then all afternoon he laid on Matt on the couch watching stupid shows and I cooked. Well, after dinner I got him in his jammies and gave him some Tylenol and started reading one of his favorite stories and he fell asleep. Poor guy. He rarely gets sick so this is going to suck. I'm hoping it doesn't turn into puke because at 2 1/2 he has never puked. And if you don't know about the dramatics of toddler puke... it's not pretty. Everybody is crying, gagging, and alternately screaming. It's just gross.

Anyways. So I was productive. I'm glad I got stuff to put in my shop, got my house cleaned, and laundry done. It'll be nice to wear clean pants again.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Everybody needs a friend. $25 Gift Card GIVEAWAY

You know I love you. And I care about whether you have a life or not. And having a life or not is never more apparent than Valentine's Day. But this year.... whether you actually have a date with another person or a date with your hand... I'm here to help. And so is EdenFantasys.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

First off... if you're a single lady and kind of sick of it... you need to get the iRide. This thing is genius and you can stop dating losers once you get this. I would never steer you wrong.

 Or if you're a guy who can't get a date... you should get yourself a fleshlight masturbator!
Or if you actually have a real date for Valentine's Day.. you could get something not scary like a honeymoon carry kit.

I personally love EdenFantasys because they have great customer service, they have fantastic search capabilities and a huge variety. Whether you consider yourself adventurous or an absolute pansy.. there is something here for you. They've got oils, candles, lingerie, masturbators, and other sex toys, sex furniture, etc. You name it and they will not only have it but have a variety of it.

Now. It's time for a GIVEAWAY. The winner of this giveaway is going to get a $25 gift card towards their purchase at EdenFantasys. I'm going to make it easy to enter too.

1. You must be a follower through Google Friend Connect.
2. You must comment on this post (include your email) for one entry.

3. Tweet this giveaway (comment with link)- one entry
4. Facebook this giveaway (comment with link)- one entry
5. Blog about this giveaway (comment with link)- one entry

You have until Thursday, January 20 to enter. I will announce the winner on my Dear Sara blog post next Friday, January 21.

Yee haw yall.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Dear Sara- vlog2 boyeeees...

Welcome bitches to the second vlog episode of Dear Sara. I have my vlog ready for you, I'm fresh out of the shower and wearing my jammies and I am ready to answer your questions. If you sent me a question and you don't see it answer- NEVER FEAR lambie- it just means that it will appear next week. MMMkay?

Hold your panties because here we go:

1. What the shiz is your take on these damn birds just up and falling out of the sky? At first I thought well maybe we should just ignore it because clearly they just want attention. But then the fish started dying. And then I heard that in like Oklahoma or some shit they saw some weird thing in the sky and I think that's scary. Granted, it would be cool to see BUT. I think we need to stock up on our spaghetti o's because we're all going to die. Sorry. But I watched a show where they were emphatic that we were all going to die December 2012 and I think it's starting. Which that date will work for me. #1 I still get to do my road trip and #2 I only have one more year of Christmas shopping. Who can't get excited for that?? But unlike the Y2K when I had only packed one can of spaghetti o's, a 20 ounce of pepsi and some Better Cheddar crackers.. I'm going to be way more prepared. Because this time? I have the BEST can opener ever. I'm set.

2. If you had to spend the rest of your life with one object only what would it be? My ipod. Easy.

3. My best friend was diagnosed bipolar. Since his last manic episode I have no idea if what he's saying is for real or stuff he's just creating as part of one of his grand ideas. Your thoughts? Um.. well what kind of stuff? If he's talking about suicide- always take it seriously. But if he is talking like a lunatic and saying he wants to build a rocket in your backyard and needs some duct tape.. give him the duct tape. And I think he needs to be on medication. That's the key to any mental health issue. I have my own issues with depression and Matt has issues that are all his own, but I know people think after awhile they don't need it. But they do. They feel good and normal because they are on it.

4. I love to say "fuck". After following you for a while now- I know that you also like this word (it was one of the reasons I liked reading your blog). So my question is how many times a day do you think you say fuck? I actually made a note! On Tuesday it was 71 times. Wednesday was only 54. Thursday was 62. Today has only been 34 because I was at toddler class with Jackson. I have a sailor mouth. I know. I don't know where I get it from.

5. I’m a 31-year-old divorced mom of 2 boys who would really like to put myself out there as far as dating goes, but am really nervous. I also haven’t kissed anyone in 3-1/2 years and honestly didn’t enjoy it much before that. Someone told everyone in high school that I couldn’t kiss and it’s made me very self-conscious about it ever since. I know it's silly because I was 14 and it was my first boyfriend, but it stuck. I have a very hard time shutting my brain off during intimate moments. Have you ever seen The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Jude Law? I related so much to Cameron’s character, Amanda. Well, you know, except for being gorgeous with a mansion in LA. But all the insecurity issues, inability to cry--all of that is me? Like how can I work on this without having anyone to practice with? Pitiful, I know. OK. First off- you're going to be fine. Dating does suck but they aren't dating just you, but they are dating your kids as well. From reading your email it sounds like you have some insecurities that have followed you for awhile and that is your first thing to work on. You can't even start dating unless you are confident in who you are and what you have to offer. It isn't up everyone's alley but counseling helped me a lot. I had a lot of insecurities from high school and I spent most of my time in college figuring out that I'm ok with all of my flaws and that eventually... someone would be a good fit for me. And it worked. Look at me. I'm sassy, awesome, and have stalkers. It's great. :) I'm not the skinniest chick, I'm not the prettiest- but I act like I am. I know I have a lot to offer and THAT is what makes you attractive to other people.  Secondly.. kissing. Oy. OK, you should know that if a high school BOY told you that it wasn't true. Those punks are assholes who should be happy they are getting any kind of action beyond their own hand and their mom's lotion. Girl- I can't shut my brain down during sex. I can't. I'm thinking about dishes, the color of Jackson's poop and if it was from the marker he sucked on, if that noise is Olivia coming down the stairs, did I lock the front door, what if the condom breaks, etc. It's ALL chugging through. Everything is practice. It really is. With the kissing.. I did google searching and they all say to kiss your arm/hand. So I tried it and yeah- it's not anything like the real thing. Everybody kisses differently and I learned a LOT when I started dating Matt. Now I'm like a kissing pro but we've been together 9 years. So bottom line- work on you. Get to the best place that you can be. Start dating and be honest with the guy. Not brutally honest but you can say, "You know- I'm so out of practice" or something. And just think- he probably is too.

So- got questions? Email me at: and I'll get your q's into the mix!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Air my ass.

First off, I'm sure by now that you have heard there is a new zodiac sign and everyone is basically moved around or whatever. But it may or may not apply to you unless you were born after 2009 or some shit. Basically- I don't know jack about astrology but I do know I'm upset. I'm mother fucking ANGRY that I am maybe no longer a Pisces, but am really an Aquarius. (Want to know what you are? Go HERE) But my birthday is March 10... and the cut off is the 11th. So I think if there is an appeal process I have a shot!

Plus.. Aquarius is an "air" sign. I hate air. Air = farting to me. I much prefer to be Pisces = water. My monthly water bill can attest that I was a fish in another life. Or maybe a whale. WHATEVER. Fact is I'm a water lover. While I fit some of the characteristics of an Aquarius.... I fit more Pisces characteristics.

Anyways. I'm upset and feel like I should hire a life coach and/or counselor to cope with this. And I can't even be bothered to read why this has changed because I'm upset about it.
A few weeks ago, or months, I can't even remember... I was asked for a lot of advice all on the same day, but different people. And they all had serious issues. So I told them logically what they should do and when I ran it by other people they all told me I gave some solid advice. And I knew I did but the fact I never heard back from any of these advice seekers kinda threw me. Like... if you don't plan on taking the advice and you just really want to have someone feel sorry for... don't ask. Seriously. Because I'm going to tell you how it is. If I think you're being stupid, immature, and whiny? Im'ma let you know. Because a DECENT person should. But if you are going to not take my advice? Then that's fine but do not ever bring the subject up to me again because I feel like punching you in the face until your nose looks backwards. Seriously. I'm so effing tired of hearing about people whine about their lives or that their boyfriend dumped them after 3 weeks. Really? 3 weeks? You are not in love and you probably weren't even exclusive. God fucking damn. Or you are whining about a change at work that doesn't even affect you yet you are up in arms about it? Are you serious? Because there are plenty of jobless people that would love to have your job for half of the fucking pay. I don't know. Maybe I really am PMS'ing. Holy shit I need to find a calendar. I hope I am because randomly feeling stabby is kind of scary. For those around me. Matt wouldn't let me cut veggies tonight because while talking about this he said I was getting a little too animated with a knife in my hand.
So next up in my crazy post is the fun fact I learned today. APPARENTLY, not only do we have someone shooting out vehicle windows but we also have people breaking into vehicles. And mine, with it's super unattractive plastic wrap window, screams "easy target" since you only have to peel some tape back to get into it. The only thing I'm hoping for is that they see it and determine I have nothing of value since CLEARLY a normal person would remove such things when they had such a poorly defended vehicle. That person would not be me since I have some stuff in there I'd hate to have stolen. BUT that means going outside in the dark to get it out and I don't like the dark so I'd probably piss myself with fear in the process and yeah. So please Mr. Robber guy- hold off until tomorrow. Thanks.
I'm making more cards for my shop. I had a few sales yesterday (thanks!!) and I feel like I should put a few new things in there. I'm also going to have a set of cards on a giveaway coming up soon, more deets on that when it happens.
I have another EdenFantasys giveaway coming- look for it on Saturday. So if you missed out last time, now will be your chance.
Tomorrow is Dear Sara (woot) and I have a bunch of questions that are random and fun to answer for you. BUT BUT BUT.... I want you to email me more. Keep the tradition alive bitches! slinkies

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Knee highs.

I have to just say it. It's really bothering me and I have to get it out before I beat the crap out of the next person I see wearing them.

Knee highs.

I fucking hate them. I hate them a lot. I cannot even express to you my dislike for knee highs properly. I also cannot tell you how repulsed I am to see that they must be making some kind of fucking come back because I have seen NO LESS than 50 women, of varying ages, sporting knee highs.

This week alone, homies.

First off, it's cold here. It's been in the 20's (muther effin heat wave) all the way down to -20 or so. Now is not the time to wear dresses and skirts and cute strappy heels, no. None of that is appropriate in northern Wisconsin/Minnesota when we've got frigid temperatures, and I'm not even mentioning the snow. Folks, we have a lot of snow.

And if you've never lost sensation in your extremities due to exposure or snow... then you might not get this. But it's not fun and after some time... it's not attractive. Nothing says "turn off" like black and shriveled up feet that look like they should just be chopped off for being so offensive looking.


So I keep seeing knee highs on people. And then I drive by Walgreens and notice they have knee highs on sale for $.25. Um.. really? Gross.

But I think the entire concept is stupid. When would be an appropriate time to wear these? Here's where I get confused:

With pants: Um, no. First off, the only thing exposed is your feet and ankles (if you can't buy pants that fit your fucking legs). So... assuming it would only be your feet. Can you wear a thin dress sock? Like those really thin ones? It's pretty common place to not wear a strappy, open toed shoe with dress slacks but if you feel like being a trendsetter.. for the grace of Jeebus you don't wear a knee high with the seam across your toe. Ew. That's ugly and distracting. So no. And quite frankly- if you aren't paying for a REGULAR pedicure and keeping your toes in tip top shape you have no business wearing anything exposing your toes. Same with your heels, ladies. If you have cracked/dry heels you cover your hooves up. Nobody needs to see your lack of hygiene.

With skirts: Ok- this? This is my biggest pet peeve. Because as a person who frequently gets stuck behind the delusional lady who is incapable or unwilling to do a 360 in the mirror before she leaves the house... I feel like bashing your head in. Because guess what lady? I CAN SEE THE FUCKING TOP OF YOUR KNEE HIGH AND YOU LOOK STUPID. Just don't. Don't ever.

So when? When would you need these?? Granted, I agree that nylons and tights are not flattering. Even the control top ones just don't help. If you think they do then you haven't actually looked at yourself. It will give you the inner tube look or make it worse if you already have that. Unless you pull them up all the way under your boobs but then you run the risk of cracking a rib.

But with knee highs... are you pulling them up? I'm sorry but seeing a woman hike up her knee highs or nylons? Annoying. It drives me nuts. It's like picking a wedgie out of your ass or adjusting your thong. It's like hiking your bra up. All in front of people. No. You don't do these things so STOP adjusting your knee highs. God damn.

So yeah. I'm kind of stabby about knee highs today. Weird.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Thanks + More Crafty - More Snow = Less Ghetto?

To get you started this evening (I swear on my right boob that I have funny in this post) I am posting a vlog. You can see me stumble through a terrible thank you to some of my readers. I suck at that but I figured THAT would be better than me doing my regular "thanks- you are cool". So.. ok. And I didn't preview it because you people freaked me about telling me I sound weird. Now I'm all self conscious when I say "about" and such. One time I actually said "a boot" and now I'm getting teased. Whatever. So I refuse to see what I look like. HA!

(Edit to add: Forgive the static. I decided to listen to it and guess what? THIS IS PROOF I'M NOT CRAZY, Matt!! It does make a static noise! Any techie people?? Help me prove my husband I'm not a retard.)

So I haven't had a chance to show you what is in my shop. And my "link" button isn't working so you're gonna have to just go to (which links.. WTF blogger? WTF?) and check them out. But I have an entire greeting card set (more coming soon):
 And cutie Valentine's cards. I have a few different ones and I made myself an extra set of these.
OK. So we are all familiar with the ghetto state of my van window, right? If not, you need to click on that link and be ashamed of yourself for not knowing what's going on. Anyways. So right now the only thing keeping my van from being robbed of it's seats and random shit in there is a huge sheet of plastic and some duck tape. Well, I'll tell you one thing- neither of these things will keep you warm but they WILL give you the experience of scraping the inside of all your windows so you can see out them. And I've also discovered that I think I have freakishly small arms because folks? I'm struggling. I got my boob stuck in my steering wheel today and it hurts. I'd show you a picture of the huge red mark that is still there but I think that's porn and my blog will get flagged or something. Anyways.

So today it snowed and shit and I didn't think anything of it. Until I went outside to find that some of the tape is not longer sticking so I had a snow drift. IN MY VAN. Guess how awesome it is to shovel out the interior of a vehicle? Um, it's not. Seriously pissed me off. So I put even more duck tape on it and I hope to god that it not only stays sticked to the van door part but that if it does fall off... my seats are still in there. I heard that some people will steal your seats and stuff. I don't know if that's true but sad day because I don't know if I have a clause for that in my insurance.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow morning brings me. :/

But I will tell you one thing- I will never have this problem again. Granted, if we're being honest my window will probably get shot out again. BUT I told Matt we are going to have a special account with my deductibles sitting in it. But until then.... I'm without a window and $125 short. Oh payday.. where art thou??