Thursday, January 31, 2013

When babies make you sad and ice cream doesn't help.

I know I've talked many times about my parenting woes and I think I even talked about my case of post-partum depression with Olivia but because it's been awhile and I have newbies, maybe it's time to revisit that because even if it turns out you hate your baby and you feel like a horrible monster?

You're not and it's going to be OK. (So long as you don't actually hurt your baby because then it's definitely not OK.) And this is all spurred on because one of my favorite new people blogged about this yesterday and  it was a really great post and this is also more of my story so she doesn't feel awful.

So when I got pregnant with Olivia, Matt and I had only been married for six months, we lived in a one bedroom apartment, grossly in debt and totally young and stupid. I cannot emphasize it enough- we were ill prepared. I know at the time I had naysayers who said we were ill prepared and I was like, bitches please... I've got this. And I really thought I did. I knew I'd love the baby, and at least I wasn't 16 and pregnant. By then I had graduated college, started my career, was a full fledged adult. I had the world by the balls. Well, every one except Capital One. They had me by my pretend balls. But that's another story for another day.

When I was five months pregnant we decided to cash out all of Matt's investments (dumb idea) and bought ourselves the ghetto homestead we're in now. We had NO IDEA how much this investment would be. The bills were all more, it was stressful, there was nobody to call when your toilet randomly leaks and you can't make it stop and you're crying because you can't find a fucking wrench ANYWHERE and you just want to pee and your husband isn't answering his god damn phone.


So in September, I had Olivia. It was a ridiculously easy pregnancy, I gained 15 pounds, I was healthy, and as it turns out, these hips were made for birthing because I had the easiest labor and delivery ever. But when they handed me Olivia? Terrified. The fear of all of a sudden having to be responsible for another person 24/7 probably for the rest of my life is terrifying. I didn't fall in love with her. I didn't feel like even holding her. I had nurses pushing the whole breastfeeding thing on me and they made me feel like a shit mom that A) I couldn't do it and B) when I was trying I realized nothing about this feels right to me. I'm not joking when I say I felt bullied by nurses, lactation consultants and even my mother in law. So I cried. I cried for a really long time when people left me alone. They would call me and let me know Olivia needed to be fed, or changed, or whatever and really try to engage me as a mom and I didn't want it. By the second day of being a mom I knew that I wasn't cut out for this and I had made a really huge mistake.

And I was ashamed to feel that way.

When she came home and realized that clearly, my daughter hates me, because she cried endlessly for me but totally love Matt. I felt betrayed. I carried her for nine months, I was the sole care taker for her, I read to her in utero, I talked to her every day and told her how her daddy and I met and how excited we were for her, all of it.

And she  hated me. Clearly.

Matt went back to work after two weeks and I was terrified. I found out later even he was scared and people tried to "check in" on me but they were probably making sure I hadn't killed us yet. She would cry for hours in her crib and I had thoughts of shaking her, smothering her, doing anything I could to make it stop. For it to all be over. I'd cry for hours with her. I couldn't do anything right and everyone just told me the baby blues go away and stop worrying about it.

But it didn't.

For weeks I would walk around the neighborhood, completely zoned out and crying with my child in a stroller crying hysterically. I'm pretty sure the neighbors felt bad for me but at the same time, would worry if they didn't see the bat shit terrible mother who can't calm her child down.

For an entire year I suffered. No doctor would listen to me when I said I didn't feel better. I wanted to be away from my child. I resented Matt for being a better parent and I hated that  he didn't pay any attention to me anymore. At the same time I didn't want attention, I just really wanted to run away and make it all stop. I was too scared to tell doctors that I wanted to kill my baby or myself because I thought they'd take her away. I may not want her but I don't want others to have her. They could be worse than me.

By the time her first birthday rolled around I was way fat, I had a terrible hair cut, Matt and I were having a hard time, and I just wanted to make it all better. So I got on anti depressants which didn't help but the illusion of them helping made stuff get better.

Then when Olivia was 2 I found out I was pregnant. Horrible time in my life. Matt and I were considering divorce, bankruptcy was happening, I was hysterical and sad- complete opposite of how I was with Olivia. I was pregnant with twins. When I found out at my 7 week appointment that I lost one, god help me but I was thrilled. The thought of three kids on my own was terrifying, two seemed manageable.

Again, easy pregnancy. Not as enjoyable labor and delivery but it wasn't awful. And when they put Jackson in my arms? My heart grew. My chest hurt from all of the love beaming out of me. I cried, and I cuddled him, I could not get enough. And I was so sad because it was then that the full impact of what I missed with Olivia hit me. And maybe that's why I still feel like I struggle so much with Olivia. I love her to my core but it will always be a different love than with Jackson. Not bad, it's still equal, but it's different.

So what held made me keep it together? Support. I had a mom who helped me every time I'd cry and say I couldn't do it. I had a husband that despite thinking I was crazy and being sick of me being crazy, stuck in it with me and picked up the slack that I left. I think that's also why our marriage works- he's really seen me at my absolute worst and just stayed there right with me. He didn't yell at me, didn't tell me I should do something a different way, never pushed his opinions on me, he just helped me at every turn.

So now when friends have their babies I get angry when I see a bunch of breastfeeding crazies push it on a new mom. That shit is hard and not everyone is cut out for it. I really feel like that really fucked me up the first time around. I didn't want to fail as a new mom and they made me feel like I was when I couldn't do it. I also get annoyed when people I know who are damn well not ready to have a baby do it anyways. I want to shake them and say this is not something to fuck around with. Everything about life you love as a child free person is now over. Forever. Or until your child gets their own life without you. I was 23 when I had Olivia and that is so grossly young it's unbelievable. Incredibly stupid to do that. And to be frank, it's selfish to have a baby because you love babies. You have to really have a need to mother and be totally selfless.

And not everyone has that. I really struggle every day with it. And that's OK.

So if you're pregnant- good luck to you. I really wish you a good birth and singing angels and glitter and  unicorns and all of that. If you're thinking about getting pregnant, eyes wide open. Really think about why you're doing it and it's totally OK to decide kids aren't for you. If you already have kids and struggle? It'll be OK. Don't let people (especially other moms) judge you and make you feel like less of a mom. Women are bitches and they'll tear you down. Just do the best you can for you and your baby and things will be OK.

Eternal (and Televenge giveaway winner)

Holy crapola- I forgot to announce the winner for the book Televenge. I'm such an ass. So thank YOU random number generator..

#5 Gini

YAY, Gini! I have your address around here somewhere so I'll forward that on and you'll get to read a really great book. (And then I want you to tell me what you thought!) But let's talk about another book because none of you are reading enough and it's my job to fill your lists.

Eternal - H. G. Nadel

Julia Jones is an eighteen-year-old science prodigy with a big secret. After landing a prestigious internship with brilliant but eccentric Dr. Caleb Bertel, she is finally ready to move on from her mother’s death. But after Julia revives Dr. Bertel from a near-fatal electrocution, strange things start to happen.
Without warning, Dr. Bertel disappears. Then Julia receives threatening notes on her car, and someone has her followed. The young police officer assigned to the case, Austin Moore, believes the events are connected and asks her to help him solve the mystery of Bertel’s disappearance. Instantly attracted to him, Julia agrees. Still, she knows that she has seen Austin somewhere before, if only she could put her finger on it.
Will Julia uncover the mystery of Bertel’s disappearance before it’s too late, and does she dare trust Austin with her heart?
OK, this is kind of a suspense/mystery/paranormal/romance all in one. If you like cross genre books with enough story making you wonder what the eff is actually going on, this one is for you. I will warn you right up front that some of the speech or how things written felt a little different to me, but it's not enough to make you say to hell with it all and give up on it. Also weird is that I just finished the book Beautiful Creatures (in time for the movie, of course) and the romance aspect of it was kind of similar whereas both couples are essentially soul mates and have had several lifetimes together but one or both of them screw it up and so they re-live it until they get it right.. kind of. 
So that alone is kind of interesting because you're waiting to see if Julia and Austin figure it out this time. And while Dr. Bertel and others are essentially possessed by .. demons??, it kind of feels more like zombies. Because their mannerisms and how they speak made me think of zombies which also is different from what I have read before. I know zombies are all the rage and while these aren't really zombies, that's what I kept feeling like they really were. 
I loved the story overall, finished it rather quickly because it's under 300 pages so that's basically an afternoon delight for me. I also love that the characters are developed enough for the story, but there is room left to grow for what will be a trilogy. A lot of things are either left hanging or finished in a way that there clearly could be more and that there should be, but you aren't left feeling pissed off that an author just gave up on this book. 
But my favorite part of this book is the look back in time. Not only are we reading Julia and Austin's modern day romance and story, but they are the reincarnate of Abelard and Heloise who is like the French version of Romeo and Juliet. They obviously have a tragically sad and horrific story and it's kind of replayed in modern day, which is a really cool twist for a book. Not many authors can wrap two stories into one seamlessly that requires you not to think to hard, and H.G. Nadel does it well. Totally impressed with that and frankly, that kind of made the book for me. 
Check out the author's webpage, Twitter and Facebook too and get updates on the rest of her trilogy!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Shaky legs, urine, and meth addicted zombies.

You all need to be proud of me, bitches. NOT ONLY did I make tonight's dinner when I would normally give up when A) I'm missing ingredients and B) fail to realize that it needs to simmer for 1 1/2 hours and I'm starting to cook at 4:30. It just seems so daunting and usually I'm all, "fuck this, get me some pizza" and that solves that.


I made dinner while simultaneously making tomorrow's dinner which required me to like mix shit and brown some steak in a skillet and then get it all together in a crockpot so it can marinate over night. BAM, bitches. BAM.

Even Matt was all impressed and optimistic I could maybe kick my french fries at 9pm habit. Seeing how it is only 7:40, I'm hungry and I just finished day one of 30 Day Shred? That is yet to be determined. I see him getting all presumptuous and getting his pajamas on. Silly, silly husband.

Which brings me to urine. While doing the 30 Day Shred I remembered that Jillian is a fan of jumping jacks and jumping rope and literally kicking your own ass, which means the whole "my bladder isn't what it once was" comes back as I pee myself.

Yeah, I peed my own pants in my own living room while doing jumping jacks.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I keep doing my fucking Kegels and Matt tells me things are as good, if not better, than they were pre-babies so I know I'm doing those often enough. Like twice every day for the last five years yet I cannot get through 20 jumping jacks without peeing my pants. The doctor basically said before that there isn't anything I can do short of a bladder sling or pelvic mesh which not happening because you always see those lawsuit commercials warning about collapsed bladders and snapped slings. No fucking thank you.

But I need to figure out what the eff to do about this. It's kind of disgusting. I'm just saying.

Oh but guess what I saw today? My first ever legit meth addicted zombie. From the sunken cheekbones, scabs and sores literally covering this person, patchy hair, yellowed and missing teeth and the slumped walk? I wanted to take a picture but that's how they get you- they distract you with your camera phone and then eat your brains.

I saw it on the internet. And the internet does not lie.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dead cats, boogers, and spandex.

So sad news, my mom's really old and formerly obese cat Blue died. Well, he had to be put down. He was like super old (16 in people years, which like almost 90 in cat years) and he's had poop issues.. much like Olivia. And after every medication they can give him, his poop still was a problem and it's just really the humane thing to do. That and he'd get explosive poop and not in his box so my poor mom was cleaning her carpets multiple times a day. So that's sad but what's worse? Is that Jackson is totally devastated. He tells everyone that Blue is his best friend and now he's sad because he won't have a buddy at Grandma's. And he started crying at bedtime saying he wasn't ready for Blue to go to Kitty Heaven and yeah, sad shit.

Seriously, let's all blow our noses because that shit is sad and I don't care who you are.

Speaking of boogers, we all have colds. Olivia looks miserable, Jackson isn't near as bad but still has booger issues and my face still feels like it's going to explode. Like you know I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be clutching a box of Kleenex all day. That sucks.

I think I finally know why so many really fat people wear Spandex. Because honestly? I wear my Spandex work out pants and I feel skinny as fuck. And clearly I am not.

And now that I've seen this picture, I'm only going to eat half of the candy I'm eating and definitely not ever wear my leggings outside of the house again. Moo fucking moo.

I'm toying with the idea of starting the 30 Day Shred torture again. I only made it 3 days last time before I thought I was going to die and tried to convince Matt that either I was having a heart attack or having some kind of hernia issue. I don't know if girls can get hernias but I felt like I had one everywhere. Plus I think Jillian Michaels is kind of a homely looking person so I don't feel like she can be as judgey as she is towards me. Like, don't tell me to lift my leg higher bitch, I have 36D boobs, a stomach and a kangaroo pouch from having two babies. You get those and then come talk to me. All of this is different from just being a fat kid like she was. That pouch is going nowhere without surgical intervention which Matt says no too.

Cheap ass.

But fat ass or not, I'm going to Old Navy to buy more of these pants this weekend because I love them so.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Shopping, throwing up on a highway, and sexy pictures.

Well bitches, it's Monday again and we all just love Mondays, don't we? Mmm hmm. This weekend I decided I needed a day away from my family and so I drove to Bloomington to hang out with my friend Amy. I had been looking forward to it all week especially because it's like FREEDOM.

I also may or may not have listened to Hip Hop Nation on Sirius like the awkward white person I am.

So it was a good day of lunch, catching up, and shopping. Here is something I absolutely should do- write down how much I have in my checking and not rely on my memory. Because you know what happens? You think you have one amount in there, but have no idea that your husband entered some receipts of his own thus leaving you with not as much as you thought. Which is not good because when you start doing the math and realize that, with one week until payday, you have $28.36 to your name?

Let's just say it's a dark day in the household.

But the eventful stuff happened after I left the Mall of America on my way home. Let's just put out there that the only thing I had eaten the entire day was my cheeseburger and fries at lunch time, which was around noon. By 5:30 I was feeling like I was getting a headache, I felt tired, I felt a little dizzy and lethargic. Should I have gotten a soda and something to eat before I left the mall? Yes. Did I think I could make it at least until Hinckley? Yes. Should I absolutely know better by now? Yes.

Oh but you all know me better than that.

I decided that I was actually a lot more tired than I thought and I had planned to stop in North Branch to look for a dress for Olivia so I figured.. surely if I walk around I'll be fine. Oh but no. No, that did  not happen. I did walk around a little bit and get what I needed but I knew as soon as I got back on the highway things were bad.

Things were real bad.

I tried really hard to pull it together. It was about 18 degrees and I'm driving with my windows down to get the woozy feeling to go away, I'm chewing on rock hard gum I found in my arm rest and swallowing saliva because I know that this? This right here is a sign that shit is about to get real and quick.

All I know is that somewhere after North Branch but not quite to Hinckley I had to pull over. And I did. I also puked for a good 10 minutes. Puked like I have never puked before. I don't know if you're familiar with the taste of puked up hamburger in your mouth, but it's horrible.

The winning thing in all of this is that A) clean snow actually works to wash your face off and B) hoarding napkins has finally served a purpose.

So once I decided that things were going to be OK, I got back in and got myself to Hinckley. I had to get gas, but I also stopped at Hardees to get a soda and a totally plain chicken sandwich. I know I should have gotten crackers, but everything at the gas station was really iffy looking and the only thing without an expiration date of January were Pringles.

And Pringles will not do.

Surprisingly, the chicken sandwich did wonders and I made it home around 8:30. But as soon as I got home? Changed my clothes, brushed my teeth vigorously, and went to bed. I woke up with my neck kinked, my jaw in excruciating pain, a headache, and feeling like my face was going to explode. So at this point, I don't know if I have the flu, something else, or what. I do the think the jaw pain is related to the rock hard gum, though.

So that was my weekend.

I'm also trying to get the nerve to just fucking book a boudoir photo session. I've been wanting to do it for years and while the first one was legit out of my hands, the other two times I've chickened out. But this time... ugh. I found a photographer I really like and they do your makeup, your hair, and retouching. I'm nervous that they keep using the word "investment" without giving you prices. So I've emailed... I'm nervous.

The Goddaughter (and Giveaway!!)

Raise your hand if you like books you can finish in under two hours!

The Goddaughter - Melodie Campbell
The Goddaughter (Rapid Reads)
Gina Gallo is a gemologist who would like nothing better than to run her little jewelry shop. Unfortunately she's also "the Goddaughter," and, as she tells her new friend Pete, "you don't get to choose your relatives." And you can't avoid them when you live in Hamilton and they more or less run the place. When Gina bumps into Pete at the Art Gallery Gala, sparks fly. So do bullets, when her cousin Tony is taken down by rival mobsters from New York. It turns out Tony was carrying a load of hot gems in the heel of his shoe. When Gina is reluctantly recruited to carry the rocks back to Buffalo, the worst happens: they get stolen. Pete and Gina have no choice but to steal them back, even though philandering politicians, shoe fetishists, and a trio of inept goons stand in their way. It's all in a day's work, when you're the Goddaughter.

Short, funny, and entertaining are the three best adjectives to describe this one. This book is a Rapid Read and it clocks in at just over 100 pages so you can shove this thing in your purse and get 'er done at work on your lunch. Or extended lunch for those of you who aren't really working anyways. 

The fact that Gina is from a crime family and is so incredibly bad at being a criminal herself is kind of hilarious. I mean, hiding gems in shoes is kind of clever, but the fact she had them stolen in a mall and the chase to get them back lead her to Arizona? Even better. I also love the fact that she has Peter, who is this genuine good guy who knows she's from a crime family, and he willingly goes on the chase with her to get them back. I did find myself laughing in some spots and I finished it in under two hours including the time to eat my lunch in there. 

Basically we have suspense (will she get the gems back??), romance (does she finally fall for Peter) and comedy so you really can't go wrong with this book. It's very Stephanie Plum from the Janet Evanovich series so if you like those, you'll really like this one. You can check out Melodie's website HERE, and buy the book on Amazon HERE

Do you want to get your very own ecopy of this book? Leave a comment on this post WITH your email and you can enter to win. :) 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I AM NOT A “sexy porn gerl” and other Twitter Mishaps (Guest Post)

Oh lambwhores.. I have a treat for you. Tomorrow I am doing a review of Melodie Campbells' book The Goddaughter, but today? Today you get a guest post from her. Show Melodie some love and your tales of woe... I'm sure you'll all relate to this!

I AM NOT A “sexy porn gerl” and other Twitter Mishaps 

By Melodie Campbell 

It started with the Berlin Brothel.  Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter.  I don’t live in Berlin.  I’ve never worked in a brothel.  Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now.  I certainly haven’t said it out loud. 

Then some wag from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall.  That’s it!  The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.” 

Let me do a cyberspace blush here.  Okay, my first book is a little hot.  “Hot and hilarious” as one reviewer put it.  But it’s not x-rated.  It’s not even R, according to my daughter.  (Husband has yet to read it.  We’ve hid it well.) 

Then friend Alison said: “It’s a brothel!  Maybe your latest comedy, The Goddaughter, is required reading by the owners.” 

But back to Berlin.  I didn’t follow them back. Somehow, that didn’t matter.  The word was out. 

Amateurvids’ announced they were following me.  Good, I thought.  I like nature films.  Take it from me, this outfit doesn't film bunnies in the wild.  Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny. 

I didn’t follow them back. 

Then ‘Dick Amateur’ showed up, wanting to connect. Friend Gloria read a few of his posts and then said: “You at least deserve a Pro.” 

So I didn’t follow him back. 

Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me.  Swingers?  I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree! 

I didn’t follow them back. 

Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up.  Now, I ask you.  Do I look like a male in my profile photo?  Is Melodie a male name?  And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant?  Is there any other kind? 

Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today:  “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (yes, that’s girl with an e).  Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel). 

You wouldn’t want me to be.  No one would.  For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses.  Things that used to be perky now swing south. And my back hurts if I bend over to pick up a grape.   

So I’m not following them back. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Dear Sara. And some back at you.

Raise your hand if you miss Dear Sara? OK, raise your other hand if you want me to ask you some super offensive questions because I genuinely don't know the answers to?

Now wave 'em like you just don't care because here we go, lambwhores.

1. Dear Sara- Why haven't you gone to any concerts? I feel like it's not even a competition between us anymore. Slacker. Fuck you, OK. There hasn't been shit around here. Maybe if I lived in a big city like YOU and didn't have kids and could be all willy nilly, I'd be be a groupie and banging band guys. But no. I have a cloud of responsibility and not going to lie, the speeding ticket did me no favors with Matt. But fear not bitch, I have THREE lined up so far before the end of April. Rhianna, Fleetwood Mac, and Airborne Toxic Event. Check mate, hooker.

2. Dear Sara- How did you get started doing book reviews? Literally, it was total accident.  Honestly I think it was several things all at once that kind of helped. First off, I reviewed a super duper awesome book called The Leisure Seeker solely because I loved the cover. It's my dream to someday be an old person riding around in an RV. For no reason. Anyways. So I reviewed it and then raved about and yeah. (Seriously, read that book because it totally changed my perspective on aging and dying.) Later on, I got an email from someone from the publishing house the book came from who said they loved that I loved it and sent me an entire box of books for being awesome. Then I reviewed all of those which were AMAZING and seriously, those people were just really fucking nice. Then I somehow connected with TLC Book Tours and they eventually contacted me. And the two gals I work with there crack me the hell up and are awesome and wonderful and someday I hope we can have lunch or something. I love them long time. And from there, I get contacted by all kinds of review companies, publishers, authors, etc looking to have their stuff advertised and reviewed. Word of mouth is everything and I'm happy to do it. Maybe someday I'll be an author too and I'll be looking for publicity, so whatever I can do. But I think what I have is that I'm brutally honest. If it sucks, I'm going to let you know. If it's awesome, I'll let you know. But I try not to be mean because even if I hate it, you might love it and tell me I'm an asshole. And that's OK.

3. Dear Sara- have you ever considered reviewing sex toys? I mean, I guess? I don't know. Do people really want to hear about my sexy times and how loud that vibrator was? I mean, I would if I was asked. I am pretty adventurous and lord knows I can't recommend Ben Wa balls enough (buy them now), so I guess I would.

4. Dear Sara- why are women so catty? I'll tell you why: insecurities. I'd say almost all of  us have some kind of insecurity that makes us compare ourselves to someone else. We might not do it consciously, but we do it, and it makes us say and do bad things. I don't care who you are, we all feel a surge of jealously when someone has something we don't. How we act and what we do about it are totally controllable. The real question, is why are people so fucking crazy? I'd like to know why when you talk to someone you get one answer but two days later they totally deny it and say something else? Get yourself on medication, crazy pants. Women are bitches and that's just a fact.

But here's some questions for you. I've had several conversations about these things with some friends so it's not just me being an insensitive asshole. If four of us are thinking it, there are probably thousands just like us. So if you know the answers, feel free to comment and enlighten us all.

1. What I always wonder about are girls who date girls who turn into guys..does that make then straight now?? And men who date women who go man, are they gay now?

2. Why do lesbians use a vibrator? Why not just have sex with a real penis? I mean, some guys have boobs so it would be kind of the best of both worlds?

BAM. Riddle me that, lambwhores. Riddle me that. 

Do you have questions from the universe that you don't understand? Send me an email at sarastrand9438 AT hotmail DOT com and maybe you'll get featured. At the bare minimum I'll send you an email reply. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Never do taxes when you have cramps.

Teaching you life lessons, bitches. Life lessons.

Because tonight not only do I have the worst cramps ever that honestly rival labor contractions (and I still went to Zumba), but I decided that fuck it, I'm doing our taxes. We need to start booking crap for our Florida trip in June and I need my refund to do so. So I get onto TurboTax and it's just really hard to read all of the crap they make you go through and type out the correct numbers when you essentially feel like you are being stabbed to death by your own ovaries.


But the good news is that I finished them and we're only $200 down from last year. Which, not that we even get that much back, but still. It's enough to book our hotel for the week, which is what I need. We're using airline miles from Matt's parents to get us there, but we still have to pay a fee which I hope to be able to pay next payday.

I also learned that Matt is no help. I had to ask him to pull out his last pay stub from 2012 because it wants to know what he paid in health insurance? So it takes him FOREVER. I walk over and bam, pull it out instantly. He looks at me like I'm some kind of magician and if I didn't think I was going to piss myself from ovary pain I'd explain to him that the most current stuff is in the front of the file folder. So yeah. That was my night.

And you know, does anyone else get so completely run down with their period or is that just me? Every time I get my period, I feel like I can barely function. I get the standard headache but then I'm also dizzy, and lethargic, and blah. I feel blah. I also feel like I could sleep the entire day away and be totally fine. It's times like this were I can't wait for menopause. Hot flashes and all, lambwhores.

In other news, I made my eye doctor appointment. And from your suggestions, I'm going to refuse to have my eyes dilated. We'll see how it goes. Tomorrow I'm calling a clinic to see if I can get in with a counselor and exactly how much would that be. So hopefully I can get crap sorted out and not feel like I'm going to lose it completely. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

When things are bad... something good will always happen.

We've been off of school for a few days because of cold weather but this morning as I was waiting with Olivia before the bell, I was approached by one of the teacher who assistant the the special needs students in her school. Just like the assistant last week, this one wanted to let me know what a kind and thoughtful little girl Olivia is. They are impressed that every day at lunch, Olivia choose to sit by one of the girls in her class who has disabilities because Olivia said nobody should eat lunch alone.

And that made my heart soar and my eyes tear up.

Because even when I think about how hard parenting is, how I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I'm trying so hard to teach my kids to be good citizens, something will remind me that you know what- I'm clearly doing something right. I always think the true measurement of parenting is not how your kids are at home, but how they are when you aren't anywhere around the and this was a great way to start my day.

And then I was reading some news articles online and I came across this one, where a man refused to serve a customer who made an ignorant remark about a child with Downs Syndrome. It got me really thinking about the stigma of being different and how intolerant everyone still is. I'll be honest and say sometimes it can be scary when I'm in the grocery store and person who has an obvious handicap climbs into my shopping cart. I'm not trained at communicating with people who have limited verbal skills so I won't always know the appropriate thing to do. Maybe leaving the cart there and getting a new one isn't the best option, but it's what I had right then. (That's a true story. This has happened to my mom and my friend as well. Which makes me wonder if it's the same person...)

But to just be an asshole like that to a child? A child who maybe overheard that and now think badly about themselves? It's one thing to be unsure of what to do or how to communicate with a person with limited abilities, but to be degrading, hurtful, and insulting to them? Or crack jokes about them? To make fun of their limitations? It's not OK. Because while we can fix ignorance and stupidity in concern to adults, we can fix the next generation.

The great thing about Olivia's school is that while those students have their own curriculum within a special education setting, they are still integrated into the "regular" classroom throughout the day. They still get interaction with the "normal" kids. Not only is that good for them, but it's a good experience for the "normal" kids as well. Olivia was telling me this evening while I was cooking how cool her one friend is because she brought snack and was super excited about it, and wanted to hand them out to everyone. But she had a hard time with the whole handing out process and everyone chipped into to help. What happens along the way to change a child's actions towards those that are different from them?

I think what broke my heart in that story was that the mother of the little boy said that she has seen people pull their children away from her son because he has Downs Syndrome. Why would a parent do that? Do you think you're child is going to catch it? And what did you just teach your child? That it's OK to be hurtful to someone else based on them being different than you. Way to go, parent of the year.

So yeah. That was my day. It made me think about how it's rare to see someone try to build another person up instead of tearing them down. But at least I know my kids are doing the right thing even if they think I don't know about it. It's a great thing to share with Olivia that others have noticed her good behavior and took the time out of their day to tell me about it and that I was proud of her for being a good friend. She totally beamed and I hope that sense of pride keeps her going down the right path.

The Unspeakable Book Blast

About the Author:
A veteran of the performing arts and worldwide missions, Tessa Stockton also contributed as a writer/editor for ministry publications, ghostwriter for political content, and headed a column on the topic of forgiveness. Today she writes novels in a variety of genres, often laced with romance and intrigue. In addition to her Christian suspense/thriller, THE UNSPEAKABLE, she’s the author of the political intrigue/romance, THE UNFORGIVABLE, a fable, LOVE AND LULL, and the upcoming inspirational fantasy romance, WIND’S ARIA, with more in the works.
Visit the Author:
About the Book:
Who said forgiveness was easy?
When a furtive conflict is pitted between violent leftist guerrillas and a rightwing paramilitary group in Colombia, a North American woman mistakenly gets caught in the middle.
“I spent four months, one week and two days in a clandestine prison referred to as The Water Cave. Every day I stared hell in the face, and each day I wanted to die. I don’t want to share too much too quickly. To understand fully, you must join hands with me, fasten your heart to mine, and course through my book. Stumble over the incomprehensible human rights journey with me. I’ve pondered it to the brink of questionable sanity, and it is the only way. It’s the only way to explain. I suppose I should consider myself lucky I survived at all—for many did not—yet, perplexingly so, that’s not the premise of this narrative.
He altered my life, marked me forever.
But it’s not how you might imagine.
This is a story involving Horacio Botello, my torturer known as Puma.”
Purchase your copy:
Go HERE for your chance to win a $25 Amazon gift card AND a copy of this book:  
The Unspeakable Tour Page: 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Bathrooms, assholes, and yay for cameras.

Oh, it's time for a photo dump courtesy of my adventures into the world!

So on Friday I ran to the mall to pick up a book as part of a gift and I decided I better go pee before we have ourselves and embarrassing situation considering I am almost 31 years old. Our mall  has two main bathrooms but everyone knows the one in the food court hardly ever gets washed and is generally the most disgusting place ever. So I use the one by Barnes and Noble, which is proving to be just as bad.

Inside of the bathroom area before you get into the actual bathrooms they have terrible mirrors and random machines to get stuffed animals out of and shit like that. They also have this gem:
Do you see what all of this is? You can get tampons, Advil, lip  plumping glass, some kind of weird gel thing and wait for it... glow sticks. This is exactly the kind of shit you would find in someone's purse coming out of a rave or orgy. But you can buy it in our mall in the bathroom. Like, where are you going that you'd be like, "Shit! I need some tampons and glow sticks- lemme hit the mall first!" 

Then I got into the stall and yeah. We have a do it yourself repair on the toilet paper holder with some handy electrical tape. We don't even use duct tape around here, electrical tape all of the way. 

The best part was the sink. I didn't do a good job but that white sticker on the mirror is a "wash your hands before returning to work" thing. Which, would LOVE to, but I cannot. If only the vending machine sold hand sanitizer as well. 

 Remember the last week when I was bitching about bad drivers and I mentioned the asshole who parks on the wrong side of the street and almost ran me over? Caught the bitch IN ACTION people. She is clearly parked on the wrong side of the road. Lazy whore. Like parking on the correct side of the street and walking a couple of extra feet is going to just tax you. Like you'd be so completely winded you just could not get up the stairs into the preschool area.
Did you see the book review/giveaway from this morning? If not, go there NOW. It's a great book and you could be a winner. I'll still love you even if you're a loser.

Oh, guess who scheduled herself an eye appointment? This chick. Unfortunately, it's not until the end of February because they are that booked out but still. And when I called today and gave her my date of birth, she's like, "oh... this can't be right.." and I'm like oh... it is. Because I have no had my eyes checked since I was 18. She asks me if I wear contacts or glasses and I'm like, "I'm supposed to. I haven't seen my glasses in like two years or something?  No.. probably more like 5. I haven't worn them for awhile." She sounded horrified.

My reasoning is that I don't want my eyes dilated. Not only am I incapable of getting a tetanus shot like a real grown up (holding out since age 12 fuckers), I also cannot handle anything near my eye. No contacts, no drops, nothing. CAN'T DO IT. I'm sure once I walk in there, the guy will recognize me as the person who tried to leave her appointment early, then the girl they had to restrain to get the drops into her damn eyes and then the person who ran smack into the damn glass door on the way out, who almost got run over by a car, and then ran into the railing and fell onto the ground afterwards. Oh, and then the girl who couldn't get her car unlocked and had to have an old person help her.

I'm sure it'll all come back to them right away.

Televenge (and GIVEAWAY!)

If you are a religious person, you need to read this book. If you are a women's rights person, you need to read this book. If you are one of those "let's just mind our own business" person, you need to read this book.  I can't think of one person who should not read this book because it blew me away. How many books blow me away? Not many.

Televenge - Pamela King Cable

Andie Oliver is a faithful woman—to God, to husband Joe, and to elevangelist Reverend Calvin Artury, a Godfather in a Mafia of holy men. Raised to be subservient and submissive in the tradition of the Bible-belt South of the 70’s, she becomes a prisoner of that tradition. As a reluctant member of Artury’s evangelical megachurch, the House of Praise in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Andie’s dream of children, home, and marriage falls apart when Joe is hired on the ministry team.
The charismatic Reverend conducts faith-healing crusades, creating the largest religious TV audience in the world, surpassing the income and followers of Oral Roberts and the Reverend Billy Graham combined. Working limitless hours, Joe is sucked deeper into the ministry while Andie attempts to free him from the Reverend’s control and far-reaching influence. But it is Mavis Dumass, Andie’s best friend since birth, a sassy African-American woman and aspiring recording star, who holds the secrets to Reverend Artury’s carefully veiled debauchery. What happens to Mavis will not be forgotten as it leaves Andie near mental collapse and struggling for freedom from the cult’s grip.
Andie is still unaware of the extreme danger their pastor wields until she witnesses the murder of a church member. Fearing for her life, Andie plummets from a dreadful existence to a horrific one as she uncovers Reverend Artury’s long-hidden truths, and loses everything. But she strikes back, threatening to expose the Reverend to the world. Reverend Artury reverts to the twisted “cleansings” of his childhood. Raised by two  psychopathic aunts, he mentally declines and quickly, Andie must go into hiding. Fighting for redemption for her family and herself, Andie confronts the very definition of sin, and shakes the Christian evangelical world to its core. Evading ruthless adversaries who will go to any lengths to protect Reverend Artury, Andie battles the dark side of televangelism, forever changing a nation of evangelicals.
With more twists and turns than the Blue Ridge Parkway, Televenge exposes chaos in the megachurch, and embraces those who discover unconditional love in a world of religious deception. A story of hope, of deliverance, and strength of the human spirit. An unforgettable tale of unconditional love, heartbreaking loss, an invincible spirit, and incredible courage.
I'll be honest with you. When I first opened my package and saw how huge this book was, I know I said out loud, "Jesus Christ, I need to start looking to see how many pages there are going to be. Shit." It's 584 pages. I know, you're hyperventilating, aren't you? Well I'm going to tell you that every piece of this book is needed. You know I hate fluff and I'm the first one to tell an author to stop putting so much useless shit in your book just to make it a normal sized novel, you're wasting my time. But not the case in this book. I really thought it would be and I kept looking for it, but in hindsight, you need everything. Everything plays a piece in the end, ultimately. 
I don't know where to even start. Seriously. I'm sitting here wondering how to review this but I'll tell you that when I finished it? I had to not read for a few days. I had to emotionally get my shit together because it takes a lot out of you. Even reading the book I had to stop because my heart hurt for Andie. I really liked her. She was young, she was optimistic, she really just wanted to live the American Dream. Get married, live in a beautiful house, have babies, be a good wife, and be in love. And nobody can say she didn't try, no matter how awful things got. 
Her life is just a serious of losses, and huge losses. She loses a child, a friend, family, hope, love, confidence, everything. Everything a person needs to just hang on in life, she loses it. Not by her bad choices, but because of a religion and what ends up being a cult. 
The most fascinating thing about this book is the religion aspect. Anyone who knows me knows I don't subscribe to church. I have never thought that a pastor or a preacher has any right interpreting a piece of religious writing that may or may not be true. The fact is, nobody really knows and the people who don't acknowledge that scare the shit out of me. Mostly because I don't understand why a person would be willing to have someone else's words shape their life. I mean, I try to look at choices and use common sense and my gut feeling to make the right decision. Doesn't always work, but I'm always presented with choices no matter what and I try to navigate through life making good choices and be a good citizen. And I felt like Andie ends up that way. She starts off as a devoted church follower and submissive to her husband, but when she wants more out of life (namely, being a mother) it basically all goes to hell for her. 
Every time you think you've figured it out, you didn't. You're so wrong it's shameful. And as the book winds down you think surely there can't be any more surprises. Oh, but another death in her family sets her in a direction that will either kill her or save her. 
And when the entire ball of yarn unwinds and you see everything as a timeline? Man. I'd have to think any other person would give up hope all together but Andie doesn't. Andie is the epitome of a strong woman. Sure, she isn't educated, she has not a damn thing to her name, she's lost her kids because of a crooked judicial system, people are out to kill her and you know what? She just keeps trying to make the next best decision to get to her end goal- to have her kids back and live a good life with someone who really loves her. I still can't get over how so many people failed her. People who really loved her knew something wasn't right and they either hid hurtful secrets or turned a blind eye and said Jesus said this is how it should be. And to know that there are so many people in the world that really believe Jesus thinks this kind of behavior is OK is insane. And terrifying. 
For this being such a huge book, every loose end was finished. Well, there is one with Suri (yes, you read that right) that I wish we knew more about. I won't even tell you who Suri is because it would ruin a huge plot point in the book for you. But everything else? Tied up, perfectly. Well, as perfectly as all of these troubled characters could be. I will tell you that the very end with Joe? The last conversation him and Andie have? Bothers me. Because while I understand why Andie says what she does to him, I wonder if any part of her is pulled to him? Because her entire life had become her hoping that her Joe was still in there, and he shows a glimmer of it, and she doesn't even pause. I get why she doesn't because I wouldn't, but I wonder... is there a tiny part in her feel like, "I was right all along, he IS in there"? 
I can't tell you how much I want you to read this book. I want you to read it right now. It's so good and I know the size of it is scary. I know that it gets slow in some parts but really get absorbed in it. Don't give up on it because while it starts out slow it builds and builds. You'll enjoy it, love it, be horrified and hopeful all at once. I am even going to say it's probably one of the best books I have ever read. Truly. I can think of just a few books in my lifetime that I've read that have pulled at me and this is one on a very short list. I can't explain it, it just is.

But lucky for you... ONE reader can win a copy of this (US/Canada only)! Leave a comment on this post with your email address and a winner will be drawn on Friday, January 25.  GIVEAWAY CLOSED

Monday, January 21, 2013

Like a really screwed up puzzle.

Have you ever had days where you sit back and think, "Holy jesus- I'm a hot mess."? Because that's how I started feeling yesterday. It's really weird, but in the last few months I've felt like this internal storm was brewing. The clouds are rolling in and I know shit's about to get real and awful but I'm too terrified to do anything about it.

Because it's going to make me realize I have a lot of really fucked up things going on inside me that I've just never dealt with.

It's not that I'm afraid to do it. I know what I need to talk about, I know what my issues are, I know that I have some very large things I need to handle and the only way to handle them is to ask someone near and dear to me about them. And this will be bad.

In the back of my head I'm waging the war of trying to helping myself... but it'd be at the cost of others. Is it selfish to work on me when I know I'd have to drag someone into it and force them to maybe confront something they don't want to? It's like I'm forcing that person to make the same step I am... and that's not right. It feels very wrong. The catch is that I don't think I'll fully ever get better and feel normal until I do this...

... so what do I do?

I've often been told that I say or do things that don't take into consideration of other people. I feel I'm the opposite. I weigh things in my heart and mind for so long they start to feel toxic. I get anxious. I get depressed. I don't want to hurt feelings or make someone feel like they've failed.

Then I think... what difference does it make? What if I never, ever bring it up with them? Will I be unhappy forever? Is this just some kind of phase I'm going through? And what if I have this chat with the person and they are really upset with me? I'll feel even worse. I'll feel like I made a bad decision that I can't take back and maybe not ever fix. And would hashing this out even serve a purpose? What do I expect to gain from it? I don't even know.

And it's all brought on with my relationship with Olivia. Good lord I love that girl more than anything. And I look at her sometimes and see this sad little spirit. She's anxious. She's sometimes overly emotional about really dumb things that to me, are inconsequential, but to her it's the world. And then I catch myself talking negatively to her. Or I wonder to myself, when was the last time I said she did a good job, or that I was proud of her? It's scary to think I could be really damaging them because I've got some issues I've just never dealt with. I'm trying so hard to do for my kids that I didn't have, give them opportunities I didn't get to experience and wish I did, and to be the parent I wish I had.

Which makes it sound like I had horrible parents, and I didn't. Not at all. In fact, I had GREAT parents. I had parents that some of my friends wished they had. My parents actually cared what happened to me, and wanted me to do good and do something with my life. I was always provided for and had what I needed. In all reality, I think we all wish for more. We wish we had more, the people around us did more for us, etc. We all want more.

What I'm struggling with is my more... reasonable? I need to find myself a really good, impartial, low cost/free person to talk to. I need someone else to be able to say everything I need to, everything I've bottled up for my entire life and just get it all out there. The bad and the ugly. I have some pretty haunting experiences from my childhood I don't think my parents know about and I have confused emotions about a lot of current things and I think they are all related. For the first time in my life, I think everything is related.

And I hate it.

I hate thinking I'm one of those people who blame things in their past for their present. I really get annoyed at these people and say get the fuck over it. Seriously. So what you're dad was an alcoholic, join the fucking club- we meet on Mondays. Your dad having a drinking problem does not make you a whore. It just doesn't. I feel like you have to have some accountability and you can't blame things. I feel like my entire life I've really been good at rationalizing things, and not being overly emotional. I try not to make emotional decisions. I'm a pretty calm, cool, and collected person in a crisis. But I'm starting to think that maybe I just accept less from people because I feel like it's better than nothing. I mean, things could always be worse. How many times do I say either of those statements in a day? Countless.

And then I think about all of the things I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to go to college and get a ton of degrees in science. I wanted to travel. I wanted to live abroad. I wanted to fall madly in love and be swept off my feet. I wanted to live in a big house and have people here all of the time. I wanted to entertain and be that mom everyone wanted as their mom. And it's just not there. I struggle with admitting that maybe I made a wrong decision. Maybe I was wrong and everything I thought I wanted I don't really. Maybe I know deep down I can't be any of these. I don't have the background to allow me to be any of these things. I try so hard to just be enough and it's not working.

As cliche as it is, I was watching Dr. Phil the other day about perfectionist moms and he said that eventually, you keep all of these balls in the air and one by one, you drop them. And it's terrifying. So to not drop any more, you keep a tighter grip on what you do have and it just gets worse. Until eventually, you're left with nothing. That's exactly how I feel. I try to do it all. I can't just not do it, and I don't think people get that. My worth comes from my contributions. But at the same time, I get crippling anxiety when I need to do any of these things. It's horrible.

So yes. This year? This year I'm making changes. I'm going to be a better mom. I'm going to try to be a better wife. I'm going to try to get right with my brain and figure it out. But every time I hear this song it just pulls me in and it's me. Every line of it is me and that's terrifying. It's hard to fake what I won't be. 

Humanizing the Jaguar

You know I'm a judger of book covers and so when I saw this cover I was like... no. But then.. the story kind of pulled at me and I decided I would do it because I had time and who doesn't love a book? So I did and I have to say, I kind of loved it.

Humanizing the Jaguar - Monica Daddio
New Suspense Novel For Review: Humanizing the Jaguar by Monica Daddio
How do you tame the untamable? Bryan Wharton has been through more than any child should bear, leaving him emotionally scarred. When his new family proves to him that love and encouragement do exist, Bryan pursues his only dream. With the friendship and support of a few boys from school, they succeed in making their wild fantasies of becoming rock stars a reality. Through their hard work they rise to fame, while Bryan’s confident, cocky attitude generates animosity within the group. After a particularly grueling ordeal, he meets a young woman who captivates him in ways like no one else ever has. Donna’s ignorance over who he really is and her genuine concern during their fleeting time together allows him to freely open up to her. The two form a bond, becoming oddly entwined. After getting back to what Bryan knows best, he realizes he needs to devise a way for Donna to be near him for what he believes is his own selfishness. Donna was ready for an adventure knowing she’d become the envy of young women worldwide and was hoping that this could lead to more. What does this mean for the two-friendship, love or?

I have to be honest, the first two chapters of this book are pretty damn harrowing. It starts off with Bryan living in a horribly abusive home and the subsequent death of his mother which then lands him in a string of foster homes before finding a family that he fits into. It's horribly sad and then to see him grow up obviously carrying these emotional scars well into adulthood and not even really noticing it is equally sad. 

I really loved the story as a whole and I thoroughly enjoyed it, finished it in a day. Some critiques is that some of the dialogue? Isn't natural. After reading a string of books with bizarre dialogue I'm starting to think maybe dialogue is actually really difficult to write after all. I mean, I would assume a hard rock singer would say "don't" instead of "do not" and things like that. Is that picky? Probably, but it kind of drove me nuts, but not enough to not read the story. 

Also, can I just say if I were walking down an alley I would absolutely never, ever pick up a guy laying there who clearly had the shit kicked out of him? Sure, I might call 911 or something but no way would I offer to take him home yet Donna does because she is a romance novel junkie and a good citizen. And that's the catalyst to this really unlikely pairing of Bryan and Donna though it doesn't look like it'll head that way. 

Another thing that is still concerning even at the end of the book is Bryan's anger. I seriously kept thinking, "how does his anger not freak Donna out?" Because I have to tell you, I would be like oh hell no, jerk. I am curious though if there is going to be a sequel because of the whole anger issue still being very present but also because how the book ends. And considering there isn't an epilogue like "Two Years Later" or something, what happens to Donna and Bryan? Surely it isn't all love and roses, so that makes me think there should be at least one, preferably two, follow up books. 

Overall, I'm going to say I liked this book and I would absolutely read another story by Monica and most definitely any follow up for this book. Keep up with Monica at her website HERE

Review done for Pump Up Your Book

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Oh, you know... just another moment where shit got real.

Bitches, things need to change. Do you remember that time.. just a few weeks ago.. that I was all, "This is IT! I am not going to be a fattie ever again!" and I made all of these promises? I know, I vaguely remember it myself and that could have been in one of my migraine medicine induced hazes where I forgot how much I love mother fucking french fries.

We've all been there.

But two things happened this week that scared the shit out of me. Ok, three. I'll be honest, there were three.

1. On Monday, I decided that I was going to really bite the fucking bullet and do a boudoir photo session. You'll remember like two years ago this was the plan, but then Matt's family planned their family picnic on the same damn day and I couldn't ditch and it turned out to be OK because then Matt's grandma really did die not long after and it was the last family picnic with her. So that happened. And then last year I was going to but chickened out. This year? This year I have no idea what to get Matt for our anniversary (June) or his birthday (August) so I'm like, yes! I'll do this! And maybe this will be a double win and I'll get out of the obligatory anniversary and/or birthday blow job because it'll be better! (See? I'm a fucking genius, ladies.) So while I'm all planning that, Tuesday happens.

2. And on Tuesday I decide I'm going to not wear jeans to work and I'm going to wear my black dress pants. Because I'm feeling pretty and maybe the weirdos at work who follow me around and stare at me won't recognize me if I switch it up. Great plan except my ass is too large for said black pants. Oh you know, the same black pants I bought in August and I debated on getting a smaller size because I was on a weight loss roll? Yeah. They don't fit. So I ended up wearing my ugly black pants which are not flattering and all faded. Fail.

3. Then on Wednesday I was all, fuck this- I need to see where I'm at. So I get on the scale after my morning pee, stark naked and holy fucking shit. I may or may not have started hyperventilating. Am I at my highest? No. Have I slid backwards to be where I was from when I started losing weight? No. But if we all remember my lowest weigh in ever, HERE, we can say good-fucking-bye to that. Right now you're all like, "Oh Sara, stop being so damn dramatic-- it can't be that bad." Yes. Yes, it can. I'm at 174.2. Or 172.4. I can't remember exactly, but it's one of those. See? My brain is already blocking it out.


Which brings us all the way back to 1. (You see how I bring it full circle for you??) I need to get my shit in shape and do it stat. I'm even considering... I know this is crazy so bear with me... eating vegetables. Regularly.

Now let's not get excited and start demanding that I see a doctor. I'm not talking like, vegetables for fun. You'll never see my toting a bag of carrots, broccoli, or celery around. Fuck that shit. I'm talking salads and cutting down on soda. I ran this by Matt today and he said me without soda would be bad and maybe I should just look into bulimia. It'd be easier on us all. Except I'm not a graceful puker and I don't want to clean my bathroom more than I already do. That and I don't have dental insurance to fix my teeth. So bulimia is out. Anorexia is out because we all know I'd make it maybe a day and I'd eat for hours straight.

I really don't want to go lingerie shopping right now because I feel like any self esteem I've built up would be shot within minutes. I also realized that oh hey-- I'm going to Florida in June. That means bathing suit shopping. Oh fuck us all, it's going to be a rough few months.