Sunday, October 31, 2010

Because it's not a good time without assholes.

Yea.. I know. I KNOW I was supposed to get this post out there yesterday but I didn't. Because, and this might shock you, I actually have a life outside of blogging. No- I'm not crazy, just stating the facts homeboys.

(True story: My brother in law came over, then my brother returned my Tucker Max book AND movie. And then I had to watch the movie. I love Tucker Max.)

Anyways. So when Krysten and I went to the Maroon 5 concert the other night we encountered our share of assholes around us. It just wouldn't be the same.

This lady was in the row below us with her son, who was maybe 10 or 12. Maybe. He was so tired that he actually fell asleep during the opening bands and we felt bad for him. Especially when we noticed that mom was getting drunk and didn't even have the decency to at least get him some water. Oh- but she got him some Mike & Ike's, but wouldn't let him hold the box. We weren't sure if she was expecting him to drive home or what but she was in no shape to drive. And at some point they got up during the Maroon 5 set and never came back. So either it was for sure bed time or she was lost and stumbling around somewhere. *Parent of the Year*
 Do you see that woman? She's wearing a fucking beret. If you are going to be walking around with a god damn beret on your head in 2010, at least make it a raspberry beret. I'm serious. Actually- her whole group of friends were like straight out of 1991-1998 or so and were each sporting a terrible fad. Sad balls.
 Oh yes.... the lovers. These people were directly in front of us and she could NOT stop rubbing his back/head/neck/etc. It was ok at first but after almost two hours it was kind of creepy and weird. And then they'd nuzzle and yeah. I told Krysten if the girl was going to start a hand job I was just going to say something. Because at that point, the 10 or 12 year old from the first picture was right next to them.
 Oh yes- the ridiculously obnoxious guys! Holy crap they would not shut up. Not at all. They talked through the whole damn thing. They would talk and talk then laugh super loud and be doing their drunk thing and then talk and talk. It was really distracting. And it just begs, why bother coming if you aren't even going to pay attention and enjoy the show??
But probably the most offensive thing from the whole night was the asshole next to me. Of course I get to sit next to them. Oh yes, the best of the best always are right next to me.

So the guy was with his girlfriend, no big deal. And about 10 minutes after they sit down I realize they speak no English. Which, whatever. I'm cool. I just can't really be your friend if I can't understand a damn thing you're saying. But once the openers start it becomes pretty damn obvious that they are making fun of both Ry Cummings and One Republic. Which, I guess if you don't like them I get it, but why fucking ruin it for me? Ya know? I don't like that. And I can listen to a lot of shit but eventually it becomes irritating. But when One Republic came on, Krysten and I were super excited, singing along, dancing, cheering, everything normal people do at concerts. And the guy? Fucking elbows me.

Oh, no he didn't. That fucker did not just do that.

Oh...but he did. So I did what an self respecting chick would do. I not only bumped into him causing his girl to tip her drink a bit but I also accidentally kicked him in the back of the leg.

Thankfully- he didn't elbow me any more because I wasn't in the mood to step it up. Which I would have because I'm not taking shit for a concert ticket I paid for. It's like- if you hate everything about being here, please don't come and kill it for those of us who are there to have fun. Whores.

Anyways. When Maroon 5 started is when he started his silent and non violent assault. That's right people- the guy had gas like you wouldn't believe. And I'm sorry- but I just can't compete. About three songs in I believe I told Krysten that I've got a problem. She's thinking this is kind of funny but I'm not kidding folks- my eyes were watering. It was like his bowels were rotting from the inside out it was so bad. And it just got progressively worse and worse. By the end I could barely even look to the stage because my lungs were protesting. It was just really bad.

So I had to endure it because there wasn't much choice. But you better believe that when he left? I tripped him. I stuck my foot behind me but in front of his. Fucker.

But it seems like I always get stuck by either people with obvious hygiene issue or general assholes. I just don't understand why you would even pay for a concert ticket if you are going to be a sourpuss. Or if you hate the band- why the hell are you even there? *I just don't get it*

OK lambwhores/goatsluts. It's Halloween and I want you all to be safe but have a shit load of fun. Get drunk and eat candy. I'm staying at home to pass candy out to the little punks in my 'hood. I'm not dressing up per say, but when I ventured out this afternoon someone asked me what my costume was and I just told them I was a desperate housewife. I'm pretty sure they were confused and weren't sure if I was serious enough. Matt is taking the kidlets out trick or treating and I told him to hit the house up with the popcorn balls twice because those are my favorite. The highlight will be rummaging through their bags for my favorites. :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

The time our morals got the best of us... aka the Maroon 5 concert.

I am actually going to do two posts of this concert, because I just have TOO MUCH to write. Seriously. So today it's going to be about the concert itself, and then tomorrow's post will be about the assholes around us. Trust me- they warrant their own post.

So my absence yesterday was because one of my most fun and favorite friends, Krysten, and I went to see Maroon 5 - One Republic - and Ry Cummings in concert. We always have such a great time together and she totally embraces my crazy. I think I've only embarrassed her a few times. :) But she's awesome and I'm SUPER excited for our blog get together in November. ANYWAYS.

So here's me...leaving for the show.
 It's become our tradition to meet up in Roseville and eat at Flame (you remember the place with the cool bathroom, right?) Their fries are so fabulous but this time we branched out. I ordered pickles:
 a chicken quesadilla...
 an obviously a side of fries.
 We had fabulous conversation about boys and pretty much hashed out our plan to kidnap Maroon 5 and we were in cahoots with our server. But we couldn't leave until we had the much talked about cheesecake that Ang INSISTED we try. And because she really did insist we eat it (a gun may or may not have been involved) Krysten and I were forced to give up any diets way may or may not have been on and ordered the cheesecake.
 Thankfully...Ang was right. This is the best fucking cheesecake I have ever had. I think Ang's contribution to the blog get together potluck is to bring us all cheesecake. I'm just sayin. (Good luck trying to top that, Ang!)

Anyways- so we head over to the Target Center (Simple Dude- what the fuck is with prepay parking? We almost got fucked over on that! Cash or check only??!! What the fuck is going on with this?!) and we basically got our Maroon 5 groupie shirts and friendship bracelets.
 OK- so they are really supporting the ONE campaign but I think we should decorate them and pretend they are best-friends-forever bracelets. And here's us- CLEARLY the cutest girls in the place.
 So the first set was Ry Cummings who hails from Australia and from far away he looked cute. He could have sucked a lot but we decided because of the adorable accent we would have been fine with that. It's like, just shut up and talk, ya know? But he has a good voice and we both liked him.
 Then after them One Republic came out. I don't care what anyone says- I think One Republic are amazing. They've been called the American Coldplay and they kind of are. The lyrics, how they put instruments together, the all just kind of works. They played a lot of my favorite songs. But the seriously amazing highlight of the night was their mash up Stand by Me, with the White Stripes' Seven Nation Army with Justin Timberlake Sexy Back. I'm not even kidding. Watch it HERE. It's not the full thing, but you get a taste of it AND an idea of how they interact with the crowd. They seriously were fun and you could tell they'd be fun as hell to party with. Ryan Tedder was pretty much everywhere on the stage, into the audience, had fun with the entire set- he was just great. The entire band had fabulous stage presence and I would see them again, definitely. Never mind the fact I god damn LOVE Stand by Me (and if you don't know the original you should be ashamed of yourself and go here to get up to speed with a fucking classic). Here is a full version of their mashup.

 Maroon 5 comes on, which I almost freaking missed trying to get some damn water. I had to not get the water because it was taking the bartenders easily 3 minutes to mix one drink or pull out bottle of beer. Like shit- I can't bartend but I just bed I could do it faster. Dang. So I run back in, dying of dehydration, and they were so good.

One thing of note- I would like to add a "disco ball" to my Christmas gift list. They had a god damn disco ball and it was so fun.
 They put on a fabulous show, and while I was a Maroon 5 concert virgin, Krysten had seen them a few times before so she raved about them and she was right. They are so freaking talented and his voice live is amazing. I loved how they really included all of their hits, plus some of their favorites from all three cd's.
They also did an Al Green cover of Let's Stay Together. Krysten and I were pretty much horrified that her husband had no idea who Al Green was. Seriously. Go HERE if you don't know the damn original. God. How could you not know that song? Pretty much only a few people in there knew the song but Krysten and I were belting it out and it was a fun moment.

I was a little bummed they didn't play Get Back Into My Life or Just A Feeling. Those are my two favorites off the new album, but overall it was really good. I had such a good time.

And I know our plan was to kidnap Adam and the boys. But you see- we both brought big purses. And it made finding the roofies in the our giant purses... really hard. And then we get lost in the skywalks and such, but this time we found a better door to get in/out of the parking ramp, but we were on the 6th level and yay. Basically we felt guilty because Adam and the boys looked really tired. And we lost our roofies. Next time, for sure though.

And seriously? The drive home? You would have though I had a roofie myself I was so damn tired. Granted, I slept like crap the night before and went straight down after work, but still. I barely made it to Hinckley and had to walk around the parking lot of Tobies with some scary truck driver just to wake up. And I ended up eating a sandwich at Hardees which was as gross as it is every other time I eat there, but at least my super gigantic bladder busting Coke helped. Until I hit Cloquet and then it was like a serious problem staying awake. I pulled into my house right around 2am and went to bed in my clothes. I couldn't even change I was that tired.

I woke up this morning still wearing a shoe and being strangled by my necklace. I also have a raging headache, an upset stomach, and have thrown up once. You'd seriously think I had been drinking or something. Oh! And my ass and inner thighs?? Hurt. A lot. So I'm not really sure- maybe I actually took the roofies. Dang.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

At some point I might actually grow up.

Do you remember how last year I kind of took a step into adulthood by buying my first winter jacket? Well this entire week it's been raining and windy as hell and last night? It fucking snowed. Thank god we had nothing in Superior, but we drove up on the hill in Duluth and yeah....they have snow...on the ground. SADS. But this actually reminded me that my jacket from last year? Is not going to work. Mostly because most of the buttons have fallen off and I think I only have one. And I can't even tell you where that is because instead of putting in pocket...I think I put it somewhere safe. Evidently it's somewhere I rarely go because I can't find the fucker.

But it doesn't matter anyways because (confession time) I can't sew. I can't even sew a button. I pretty much just throw something out or give it to the free store in the event a button falls off. I understand that technically I could learn how to sew but it doesn't interest me and frankly- it's an excuse to go shopping.

And after having those really cute boots that were $120 that only went barely to my ankles for an entire winter- I can tell you they are basically useless. I can't even tell you how many times my ankles were frozen or my pants soaking wet.

This means, basically, that an advancements into adulthood I have previously made are rendered moot. Fuck.

On the bright side- this means I can go shopping. Which if I want to go hiking in the ice caves of Bayfield, I need proper winter gear. And oh god... I think that means I need snowpants. I haven't worn snow pants since I was in third grade and I fucking hated them then. I can't walk, I feel fat, and they make that annoying "swish swish" noise that I hate. I seriously look at people with windpants and stuff and I'm always like, "Wow- look at that asshole". Matt has a pair of these things he wears ALL OF THE TIME and I fucking hate it. It's like- just put some real pants on, will ya? *sigh*

Oh- here's my other dilemma. So tomorrow Krysten and I are going to be in Minneapolis for the Maroon 5/One Republic concert. Be jealous lambwhores. (Which is why you won't have a post from me for tomorrow and I know you're sad but I'm pretty sure you won't kill yourself.) (And in the event you do, I am not going to accept any liability for that.) But I pretty much having nothing to wear. I went through Target really quick and found some sweaters...but I don't know. Nothing made my happy spot feel special. All of my fun concert clothes are too big for me now (which is GREAT except that a few of those shirts I really loved...). So I don't know. I can't wear just a t-shirt because it'll be cold. But I don't want to wear something too warm because I'll die sweating. The problems in my world are big, folks.

Before I go tonight you need to go to Jamie's blog and sign up for her Blogger Mail Swap snazzy thing. You might even get lucky enough to get me and get an early start on my Christmas gifts. Or send me dirty and perverted presents. Last month Amber got me and she got me the COOLEST stuff. See if you can top it. ;) And in the event that you get irritated with Christmas, or want to read a great post, visit my new BFF Neal over at his blog. If you aren't following his blog you need to now. I think that if we can all just peer pressure him, he'll continue blogging when he goes on his adventures in a few months. :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Old Navy, My Ass, Curves and Rapists.

I'm going to be all over the place with this post because I can. Around midnight I realized I forgot to tell you about me vs. Old Navy. SHAMEFUL.

As you know, on Friday I went to the Anberlin concert and didn't get home until 12:30ish. But I didn't actually get into bed until around 2 because I have a compulsive need to put everything away, go through my mail, feed the cats, wipe down the already clean counters, etc. But I knew I wanted to get up in time for the Old Navy sale that started at 7 am. Because hi- fleece vests for only $5? YES FUCKING WAY. I decide the most efficient way to do this was to go to bed in my clothes; thus saving myself a step in the morning. Genius.

And this is what I was looking like in the morning, at approximately 6:15. Yup- makeup caked on still and my clothes were smelling like a bar. Fantastic.
I drive the 20 minutes to Old Navy and I'm the first one there. SCORE. I walk up to the door, without a jacket because I'm super smart and prepared, and realize hey- it's really fucking cold and windy. This sucks. Another lady has now joined me and we are wondering why the doors are locked. We see that Old Navy is open, two cashiers are in there, but we can't get into the mall. After trying to bang on the door with no luck we decided to drive around to every entrance. Yup- they were all locked. So at 7:15 I decide to call Matt and make him get me the phone number. He gets it, I call and have this gem of a convo.

Me: Hi- are you open?
Girl: YES! We are having a big sale!
Me: Super. I'm actually outside of the door to the mall and yeah, it's locked.
Girl: No, it most certainly isn't.
Me: Well, I'm actually yanking on the door and nothing is opening.
Girl: You're at the wrong door then.
Me: Is it the one by your store?
Girl: Obviously!
Me: Yeah- I'm standing right here. In fact, if you turn around- you can see me, trying to open the door while being almost blown over by winds.
Girl: I see you!!
Me: Greeeat. Can you open the door?
Girl: No, I don't know how.
Me: Are you serious? Because I find that hard to believe.
Girl: Hey! I bet that's what this key is for!
Me: Hey! I bet it is!
Girl: Should I come and like..unlock it?
Me: Probably. Seeing how you've been opened for almost 30 minutes
Girl: That explains why I haven't had any customers!
Me: That's what I'm thinking.

So she takes her time to open the door. And by "take her time" I mean like 5 minutes of me showing her hand gestures through glass how to open a door. *sigh* Anyways. I got two vests and was happy. I went home...went back to bed. In my same clothes.
Another random thing- so I bought a pair of khakis like two weeks ago. I've worn them a few times but could not for the life of me figure out why it was scratching me on my lower back. ANNOYING. Until Sunday- when I did laundry. And noticed that I've not noticed a bag with a button attached to my pants. *mystery solved*

Speaking of pants, I bought a new pair of jeans. I'm kind of feeling fattish again so I need to get back on the fuckmill. I mean, seriously- I have no excuse other than the fact pepperoni pizza rolls have been on sale and yeah. I like those a lot. So here's my new jeans (I almost typed out jew neans... haha) and you'll notice that I'm still curvy in the back. Yay for ba-donk-a-donk! And my boobs grew. Boo to boobs growing.
 But look! Are you loving my $3 shirt?? I freaking love it. I got that at Old Navy too. And this is me, this morning, sans makeup and not doing a damn thing with my hair. Some days I just can't be bothered. And when I have a cute outfit to make up for it, it's ok. Anyways. I'm still going to keep up with my weight loss because I've done so good you know? I started up at Curves this week and it's a struggle, yo. If you haven't read about my previous visits to Curves, you need to go HERE and catch up. But this week when I've gone, I've had the awkward run in with an ex-coworker and then today? A lady who's boobs were sagging so much that her nipple was in perfect alignment with her belly button. I seriously couldn't help BUT stare because I have never seen that in real life. Tv? Sure. Real life? No. It scared the hell out of me. So dear readers- if my boobies look like they are trying to visit my vagina- SAY SOMETHING TO ME. But the whole time I'm trying to think- would you even really need a bra? I mean, if you got a lifting one you'd probably take a person out if you turned around too quick, ya know? Like how would you drive? I mean, obviously your seat would have to be back, but what if you had short legs? You'd have to ride the bus. But then your boobs would be sticking out in the aisle and people would have to literally brush against your boobs to get off. And that could just be awkward and possibly dicey. Anyways. Her boobs is what made my 30 minutes fly by. So I guess that was ok.
 OH! Oh my fooking god! I forgot to show you my new shirt!!
Seriously-- If this means nothing to you, then you were living in a fucking hole all summer. Seriously- go HERE to see the amazingness behind this shirt. I mean, it's kind of making a joke out of raping, but still. My favorite line: "And hide your husband cuz they're rapin' everyone out here". Oh man... good stuff. So you be jealous of my awesome shirt. I already wore it once to Target and this lady whispered to her husband, "What do you think is up with her shirt? It's kind of messed up." SUCCESS.

Monday, October 25, 2010

It's Not Too Early...

... to start shopping for my Christmas gift. For the last two Christmases Matt and I have gotten each other like one gift each. I would usually get my Dilbert Desk Calendar but since I'm not necessarily at a desk job anymore it isn't needed. That and I would have no where to put it. And he would get shirts that weren't gross and permanently dirty. So they were pretty boring since we were always broke.

But this year? He's gotten a raise which means not only am looking for something cool for him but I expect something really rad too. And I deserve it because hi- I was his underwear. And socks. And honestly? If you saw the state of his jeans you'd buy me something too.

But every year he says he doesn't know what to get me and that I'm picky. Which is LAUGHABLE because worst case scenario- you tell me to buy something for myself. Um, yes, please. So to make it easier on him and all of you, here's what I want:

1. A Nook. Don't bull shit me with your stupid Kindle ways. "Kindle" reminds me of "fire" and "fire" means DANGER in my world. I don't need to be anywhere near something that could be related to fire. It's a miracle I haven't burned down our house lighting candles. But Nook sounds cute and fun. Like midgets. I could see a midget being named Nooky and we call him Nook for short. I love midgets and I'd like to carry one around, so naturally I'd like a Nook.

2. An iPod that's got enough capacity to blow my mind. I have a piece of shit 8GB right now which is laughable because I barely have anything on it when you look at my music collection. I've got hundreds of cd's not loaded on there and that makes me sad. Like I want to listen to my Busta Rhymes WITH my Jewel. And they should party with my Debussy and then my Marilyn Manson. My cd's are like a big family. And I need them with me at all times.

3. A gift card to Barnes and Noble. Let's be frank- I have an addiction and there is no cure. It's kind of like chronic yeast infections. Without a new book it's like that itching and burning sensation but as soon as I have a new book it's like someone put Monistat on the itch. I'd give you a list of books but let's be real- I'll probably buy them for myself before then. So get me a gift card.

4. Robert Pattinson. I would like to do dirty things to him. The cardboard cutout isn't real conducive to that and I feel like, right now, it's only a one way relationship.

5. These shoes. In 7.5, please.

6. Some AA batteries. I'm currently out because I purposely didn't buy them as a form of punishment and yeah. Batteries are expensive lambwhores. Your leader needs batteries. For my toys. They feel sad and unloved. Let me love them.

7. A new camera. Preferably one that works. Mine is on it's last legs I fear and I need a new one before this thing dies a painful death via me throwing it on the ground.

8. You can get me an iTunes gift card. I'm becoming increasingly irritated with Apple and their shittastic customer service as far as iTunes but because I'm lazy at heart I'm not willing to convert to anything. Because converting takes time and patience, both of which I no longer have. Anyways- my "want to buy it but can't because I have to pay for groceries and at some point get a pap smear" list is getting huge. We're talking multiple pages. See-- you could all go in on a joint gift! The iPod AND the gift card.

9. A Liberator. Google it.

So that's the beginning of my list. I don't think I'm difficult to shop for at all. I mean my interests vary between reading, music and toys and you could combine any of these. I'm open for suggestions. :)

Anyways. So today I started back up at Curves and I remember now why I hate going. They have the worst music and I have a hard time keeping a straight face with these people flailing about at the recovery stations. But today I ran into an old co-worker and she was one I really miss. Such a nice lady and I miss chatting with her. Anyways- so I seen her and I chatted politely but it was so awkward. I really just wanted to ask her flat out what the deal was and if it was because of something she heard, because of the things I've heard that have been said about me I can tell you they are all false. Two people have asked me if I got fired and I didn't. I quit because my dad got sick and it just changed how child care was going to be handled (since my mom watches my kids when I work) and it wasn't worth working to put them in day care. I miss my job because I loved what I did, but to be honest? I don't miss the drama. I don't miss doing other people's work. I don't miss listening to someone complain about how another person doesn't do their job yet that person gets away with it. You can read all about my ultimate decision here. And since that all went down in May every day I wake up feeling relieved, happy, and stress free. My personality is back to awesome, Matt has noticed a big change in me, I feel like I'm not homicidal anymore and all of that means I made the best decision. But the fact that someone feels the need to make up lies about me because their life is so unfulfilled and boring is amusing to me. And it's kind of sad. Because I was the youngest of the bunch at age 28 and the fact that people older than me, who are apparently much smarter than I am, resort to this? Sad.

And I feel like even though it's been a transition for Matt and I, it's the best thing I could have done. And I'm happy with that. I'm sad that when I run into people it's weird and awkward and part of me would like to set it all straight- but then a bigger part of me knows I have moved on. And I know karma is a bitch and I only hope I get to see it in my lifetime.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Dear Weekend: I Miss You.

God damn- I can't believe the weekend is gone ALREADY. It feels like it never really started. Probably because I've been stuck in the house the last two days because of rain and sick kids. And to top it off I feel like crap so it's a party yall.

So today I decided that I was going to finally get my ass in gear and get some half finished projects out of my closet and into the Etsy shop. Seriously. This gift holder has been ready to assemble since oh... November 2009. Seriously. Make it yours... HERE.
 And then this had all of the pieces cut and ready to go for the last month. I almost kept it for myself..but I have enough stuff to make one more can for me. Buy this bitch HERE. And I obviously marked down the prices on a bunch of stuff so shop, lambwhores! I've got kids to feed and then Stumpy, who basically is on the road to becoming obese. *sigh*

So do you remember last week when I asked you to vote for the awesome and good looking Neal so he can go to Croatia? Well I am like 99.9% sure he won. WOOT. So thanks for everyone who wasn't lazy and followed directions. :) Here's hoping I get something really cool from Croatia!

This week I'm going to meet up with Krysten to see Maroon 5. We're in search of some discount roofies so we can kidnap Adam and the boys. (Guess what, Krysten?? I learned how to put the third row of my van down by myself! And I've only owned it for 3 years! And I finally understand what the pictures on the back of the seat were for! I'm set for kidnapping!) It should be a good concert and I'm more than excited to see One Republic open for them.

Matt got a promotion/raise at work on Thursday. Basically this means my concert fund has doubled and I may actually have enough money to complete my 30/30 list. Speaking of that list, one of the things on the list is to hike through the sea caves, most likely in Bayfield. You'll remember the infamous kayaking trip from fucking hell, don't you? (If you're new to my blog you'll want to read that post so you can fully understand what a horrible team Matt and I make.) Anyways. So I decided this evening I should look up sea cave hiking trips and I ended up here. First off- no way in hell would I go alone. Or even with just Matt. I'd rather go in a group so I have to look into that. Second off- holy balls I need winter gear. I've lived in Minnesota or Wisconsin since I was 9 and my winter jacket is more fashion than function. Same with my boots. So I basically need gear that is meant to keep me warm. I'd like to look cute in the caves but seeing how I'm on Lake Superior....I may die if I go for cute. Third, how scared am I that conditions are labeled as "dangerous"? Because you just KNOW I'll be going out on the coldest and windiest day ever. I'd do well in nature, especially if it's winter, so this should be fun. Right?? I don't know why I'm more scared to do this than I was to skydive. (If you're new- you need to see that post.) But- most of what I do makes no sense so this should be no different.

I've been doing a lot of writing in one of the two books I have going. And I pretty much hit a huge block. Like I don't feel like even trying to write anymore. I'm going to give it a break and see if my mojo comes back.

And I bought new bras this weekend. It's a big deal. I'm actually going to go back online because hey- I found another discount code so I may as well keep shopping, right? I went shopping with my brother on Thursday and I ended up buying my regular 36D bra. It was a demi cup so you know- basic. I get home, throw out the receipt and tags (you know where this is going, don't you?) and yeah. Fucker doesn't fit. And by "doesn't fit" I mean I think I need a DD. I think we all remember my struggle with bra shopping as it is (again- newbie whores catch up with us) and the fact I might have to go through the whole procedure again? Not ok, man. Not ok. But I'm going to order these bras and if they don't fit, they are going back. I'm going to make sure I save everything before I tried them on. Oh- and my last good bra? Is resting in peace in the Douglas County landfill courtesy of Batman. Yes, Batman ate right through the strap and threw up next to it. Fun times.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Civil Twilight! Crash Kings! Anberlin! Oh My Baby!

I am so excited to write this post I'm doing it early! Just for you  my lovely lambwhores AND goatsluts. Yes. OK, so most of you remember me rubbing it in your faces that I was going to a concert, an Anberlin one to be exact, and because I'm awesome I'm bringing you everything.

When Krysten and I go to concerts we always eat at this great restaurant in Roseville called Flame. You'll remember me raving about the bathrooms here. The only deal was that Krysten and I wanted to know if the guys' bathroom was equally nice. Or if the urinals had rocks in them. It'd be kind nice, right? Well Matt and I ate there because he's sick of hearing about me rave and tease him so I reluctantly agreed. I pretty much felt like I was cheating on Krysten. (I still love, you K!) So Krysten and I decided to make it fair, Matt would need to photograph the bathroom to satisfy the curiosity. And he did.
 But he doesn't think the fries are that great. Fucking loser, right Krysten??? Guess what he ordered with his burger? MASHED POTATOES. Who the hell does that? My husband. *sigh*

Anyways. So the concert was at First Avenue & 7th Street Entry in Minneapolis, which is in the same little radius as the Target Center. Pros to the place is that it's small, it's usually not overcrowded and the tickets are cheap. The cons are that drinks are high priced and you have to stand for at least 4 hours because there are few chairs. Which is fine, but no doubt- by the end my knees hurt pretty bad. My VANS, although adorable and comfy to bum around in, are not meant to stand 4 hours in. Anyways.

So here's Matt and I waiting for Civil Twilight. Matt actually doesn't know much music and that makes me sad. It also makes me wonder how I decided he'd be a good life partner if his love of music isn't like mine. But he does know a bit of Anberlin mostly from listening to it when I drive. We take sucky pictures together.  
The opening band was Civil Twilight who I really freaking love. If you don't know them, you  need to get to know them. Or else. Go HERE to sample. I will confess that PART of my love is that the singer kind of looks like Robert Pattinson. AND he has an accent. I love boys with accents. *swoon* They hail from Cape Town, South Africa and are great. Go HERE to see one of my fav's from their set last night. But my fav song from Civil Twilight? Well that's Something She Said. This song? Kicks the girly bits in overdrive every.damn.time.

But they put on a great live show and I would definitely travel to see them again.

 Next up was the Crash Kings. And to be honest I had never actually heard of them. I heard one song, Carry On, and then part of another and I was just "meh" on them.
 But let me tell you something. This band? You MUST see them play live. That set was so energetic and even if you are new to them you cannot help yourself- you will be dancing and jamming with them. THIS song was great to see live. I really liked It's Only Wednesday and thought it was fun to watch. The singer's voice is out of control and he sounds fabulous live. The energy out of this entire band was amazing and they really got everybody ready for Anberlin. And the drummer? Sick. Out of fucking control. All of them were so good live. I not only wanted to buy the album immediately after that set but I'm already hoping they tour around here soon. Oh- and they did a Black Sabbath cover- AH - MAZING.

So after Crash Kings we had like 15 minutes before Anberlin came on. We were standing right behind the sound board and it's times like this that make me wish I bring my fucking glasses BECAUSE the set list was like right there. The guys in front of me (all but one) were totally douchebags and wouldn't let me squeeze in to see it. AND they were all 6 feet tall. Hi- I'm 5'3. Assholes. One guy, the blond one who had the punk/nerdy look going was really nice and he asked twice if I could see. And I could because he left just enough room for my head be right next to his nipple. Which was weird. My head was between nipples. Anyways.

I can't remember every song off the set or what they opened with, but I can tell you it was like 15-20 songs total. They only played a few off the new album, so if you are a fan of their older stuff you'd like this show.
 Stephen (the singer) crowd surfed and while my blog bestie, Mr. O, said I should go and touch him--- I doubt Matt would have been ok with that. But let's just say it's clear that Stephen is well endowed. *sigh* If only I could have used my god given talents. *double sigh*

I love this picture-this was during Paperthin Hymn.
 They closed with Feel Good Drag, which I love, and then the encore was Lost Causes. Which is kind of a weird encore if you ask me. I would have liked to hear Glass to the Arson or at least Blame Me, but nope. Not this time. The set was great and I loved how they put some acoustic songs from their Lost Songs album in there.  They also did a Danzig cover which was... it was good but it was weird because it was mellow and acoustic. They did Dismantle.Repair and I really, really loved that live. I called Mr. O and I really hope it went to his voicemail and he could make it out. :)
 The concert was great and I would highly recommend you to see any of these bands live. I officially popped my see-Anberlin-live-cherry and I'm glad. We got out of there at 10ish.
Then we drove the 2 1/2 hours home. I had to drive the entire way because Matt slept. And snored so loud I had to crank the volume on my music. But I had fun with my mini jam session while he slept.

The best part (Simple Dude-- prepare yourself) I not only got out of the Target Center parking ramp without getting lost (Krysten! I found the easiest place to park for Maroon 5!!) I got us home. WITHOUT the GPS.

Folks? This? Is a big fucking deal.

I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Excuses….Not Anymore!

I participated in the SITS Find Your Tribe challenge and one of our challenges was to get one of the people in our little sub group to guest post for you and then you do the same for them. Which is hard because I don't like giving up the reigns to my blog. Mostly because I'm selfish and yeah. It's MY blog. But the fun part is that I love guest posting for other people. Sometimes my crazy only goes one way. Leave me alone.

So with that said, I want you to show some love for Di, who's home is over at Moon Clippings and you need to go there and show her some lambwhore loving. (Condoms not provided.) (Sorry, we're on a tight budget and some stuff just had to go.)


I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Excuses….Not Anymore!

So maybe I watch a lot of television. I will admit to that freely. There are, however, several shows I hate to admit to anyone that I watch. Since this is not my blog, and I don’t know you folks, I feel I can get away will a true confessions of my own. Thank you Lovely Sara for letting me get this of my bloggy chest.

I am obsessed with watching the shows on the morbidly obese. I’m not talking about The Biggest Loser, which of course, I watch – not all 2 hours each week, mind you. Once I Tivo passed the whining and blah, blah and only watch the challenge and the weigh in, it only takes 20 minutes.

That’s not what I’m talking about. I am talking about when Discovery or History or MTV or Nickelodeon has a show about the 600, 800, 900 lb. person who is bedridden. I am captivated. No matter what I was watching before I flipped over to this channel, it’s gone:

The Presidential debate (well, duh, no brainer there);

My kids recorded football game (sorry guys. Hey, it’s a video. Hello? We can get back to it later);

The final episode of Lost (Did I miss much? Were all my questions answered? Yah, thought so).

I don’t know what it is. However, I do suspect the producers know what it is. I am thoroughly engrossed. From the beginning of his sad story to the point where he is at now, I’m there. All the diets he tried, the sadness, the pain that has brought him to this life, I am with him. He is 6 of me, but I feel connected.

Do I get angry? You bet I do. I will yell at the set “NO!!! Don’t bring him that! Can’t you see you’re part of the problem?? He can’t get up!! He has to eat what you bring him, please, please,” I implore, “Bring him a salad.” And then the wife goes on to show us what he eats for breakfast. 3 loaves of bread and a 24 egg omelet, a package of bacon, box of doughnuts.<>

I want to jump in my car, drive over and tell her she’s out (just like Heidi Klum in Project Runway, yes I watch that, too) Auf Wiedersehen. I will have him down 200 lbs by next Tuesday.

My husband is incredulous.

“Did you just spend two hours of your life watching this?”

“Well, all my work was done, bills are paid, there’s nothing else on.” Oh, hell, now I’m just making excuses (the kids didn’t blab about that football thing, whew).

“Why do they put this stuff on television?” He stares at the set. “It’s like a circus, don’t you feel like you are invading his privacy?”

“Well, the cameras are in his house, I think he’s pretty much aware he’s on a show, dear. Besides, it’s not as if he really knows I am watching.” I know, right. Who would allow this?

His eyes widen, “Oh, that’s just not right,” he’s watching them try to roll him over”. He leaves me in disgrace.

The worst is when they run back-to-back episodes. I always think, this next one can’t be as bad as the one I just watched, and unbelievably, it is!!!

So, after I watch the failed attempt to get him to his church to be married, I click off the set, search the Internet to make sure he is still alive. He is – although still bedridden. I go downstairs to get a drink of water and am I ever so, so, so glad I did. I was so quiet in my decent, that my husband didn’t hear me. He was too engrossed in the show “Hoarders”!!!

Revenge is mine!!!!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

blah blah blah

Hey lovely lambwhores-
So yeah, I feel like poo. Like ubber poo that's been sitting on the road continually being run over by big trucks. I have a headache that was a migraine last night, was gone this morning, but is now moving back into migraine territory yet again. Fan-fucking-tastic.

And I need to get this shit under control because tomorrow night, as you read the guest post I have set up, I'll be rocking my ass off at the Anberlin concert. Civil Twilight is one of the two opening bands and the other one I'm not sure who it is. So I implore you to push play on my playlist to the right to hear some Anberlin if you happen to not know who they are. But if nothing else, listen to the second song on there because that Death Cab for Cutie song has been playing in my head non stop. It's like the perfect end of summer song. Every time I hear it, I picture myself walking in sunshine. Weird. Obviously I think my meds are kicking in..

I'm also going to be buying new bras and panties tonight. To say I'm excited about this would be a sad understatement. Since losing a bunch of weight my ass is back to it's normal size and my boobs got bigger. Go fucking figure. So I need new stuff because my kitties keep eating through the straps. And let's just say that the girls can't be roaming free. I could probably take someone out with a loose boob. Which may or may not be a good thing.

Matt got a bit of a promotion and raise at work today. Which is great because now I can pay for the needed new bras and panties. (and I can now get the shirt from Hot Topic I want so effing bad.) Trust me- it will be mine and I will post pictures.

Soyeah. It's all I've got for tonight because my head feels like it's starting to implode. Kisses & dry humps my dears.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Croatia, Maybe You Can Be A Winner Too and How I Almost Killed Someone Today.

I'm awesome and I am going to inspire YOU to be awesome as well.

Probably not, but just play along and pretend you're saving the world.

First off, one of my secret crushes, Neal, wants to be a winner. And he wants to go to Croatia. I hope there is something very awesome in Croatia because he's close to winning a free trip. Well there is another girl trying to win who has as many votes as him and this? CANNOT HAPPEN. You, my loyal and lovely lambwhores, need to vote for Neal so that he will mail me a fabulous souvenir. I don't know if this will happen but I think if he wins and we all peer pressure him, he will. You can even write dirty messages on the message page. Bwahahahaha! So here's what you must do:
  • You need to go to Sail Croatia’s page here:
  • Click ‘LIKE’ up the top (don't worry, you can unlike straight after you comment if you like).
  • Click on the Faces Competition - TNT Show (or go to ‘Photos’ then Faces Competition - TNT Show)
  • Find me – Neal Ebbett (I’m the photo number 6)
  • Write a comment! Anything AT ALL!
I'm telling you that if I find out you didn't do this you are all off of my cool list and not invited to my party.

And I have a confession: Neal had a question for my post on Monday and I forgot it. Whoopsy. I wish I could say it was because I had one too many drinkity drinks but it's not the case. I'm an idiot and this is my public apology to my dearest Neal. His question was: Would I rather drink a poo shake or eat a human finger? Answer or else. And I obviously asked if I could mix the poo in with other flavors and he said no. I think we all know I'm not eating the finger since I'm a picky eater and all. (If you are new- this post is a must read.) So my official answer is "what does the "or else" entail because I might be interested in that."
Also since Neal is winning the trip to Croatia and we aren't I have a fabulous thing for you to win! Yes! You need to go to Jamie's blog every day this week because there is a new giveaway. Support some Etsy shops, try to win some free stuff, and be a cool kid. My giveaway thing went up yesterday so check that out. And if you aren't a follower of Jamie's- you need to be because she is cute as a damn button and I could just pinch her cheeks! And if one of my followers win my giveaway I'll throw something extra in there. :)

So I bet you all want to know if I have committed vehicular manslaughter and am currently on the lamb, don't you? Yeah- I kind of think I'd be good on the lamb but sadly, it's not in my agenda for today. But I DID almost kill someone so that was a highlight.

I was driving home (don't they say most accidents happen near your house?) and as I come to a stop, even though there is no sign I have seen enough people get their vehicles totaled by not stopping, I start turning left onto my street. WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN a guy comes flying out into the road from under a parked truck on the side. He was on one of those rolling thingies mechanics use. Yeah- I almost ran over his head! I know! I would have ruined perfectly good tires. So I swerve to the left avoiding his head and he gave me the finger. Um, hi fucktard. First off- who's works on their truck in the street? (Except for my neighbor across the street who does this every weekend it seems because I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what he's doing and is fixing the same wheel all of the time.) Second off- if you are going to work in the street, let's wear some clothes that don't blend in. And you should at least put a cone if you don't want to put a sign reading "asshole at work" near your feet. Third, who just flies out at full speed on a rolling thing into the middle of a road?? Who does this shit? You, fucking asshole. As far as I'm concerned I should have done society a favor and run the fucker over but I can't really afford new tires or paint and my house is like right there so it'd be easy to pick out which silver minivan did it and all. And when I got out of my van I expected to hear him screaming at me but nope- he's cranking up his Ted Nugent and back under the piece of shit truck. And I was too tired to go over there and kick him in the balls for scaring me half to death.
I am going to see Anberlin with Civic Twilight on Friday. I won't be posting on Friday but I will have a guest poster. I'll post tomorrow too obviously. Anyways. I will think dirty and lascivious thoughts of you all when I'm having fun. ;)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Cuteness, Murder, and Things That Are Pissing Me Off.

Well I just got down with a 45 minute showdown in the bathroom with Olivia over poop. I won out even though I think she knows I really, really, REALLY hate giving enemas and I almost wavered. But I didn't and she pooped. And now the entire bathroom stinks to high heaven. I swear to you, this better not go into her teenage years otherwise I'm screwed.

Anyways. Here are some cute pictures of me and the kids today- tell me my makeup and hair aren't fierce.
 Do you love Jackson's face? That's basically what I get 75% of the time. And Olivia totally looks constipated.
 But then she got better but wasn't looking at the camera and wouldn't let me take another picture.
 And Jackson was trying to give me his "serious" face. I can't help it if it's funny.

OK- on with tonight's show. How HILARIOUS is this award? My girl Kate bestowed this one on me so thank you chick. I think I'm glad you aren't killing anyone??

Can we talk about some things that are really pissing me off? Of course we can because this is my blog and that's how I'm rolling this evening.

1. Taylor Swift. Taylor, please. GET A LIFE. I love your cd's and think you are as cute as a button but honey- get over it. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you suck. But recently she wrote a song about bullying. I know bullying is in the news a lot and while I don't condone bullying and all that... get over it. WHY does she have to write a song about it? This isn't fucking Farm Aid. Or Live Aid. Or We Are The World. Dang. Please tell me one person who hasn't been bullied in their life over anything. Right- you hear that silence? Because everyone has at one time or another. But whatever, do what you want. But what is killing me is that she writes this soon after the whole Kanye West song. Which, hello? FUCKING SUCKED. It sounds like she's talking about pedophile victims and whatnot. She's driving me nuts and if her whole cd is going to be retaliation songs like this I am going to skip it. Plus? She can't sing live. I'm sorry- but the girl was never meant to be a live singer. She needs auto tune like I need oxygen and pepsi.

2. Lady Gaga. Please fucking god let her lose her voice. Something. I can't take another album. The fact that so many people think this he-she is talented just blows me away. My tolerance with Perez Hilton is almost to none because EVERY DAY he's posting about her and her supposed awesome, which I have yet to see. Today she made a video about bullying. Yay world.

3. Teen Mom, specifically Amber & Gary. Seriously. If you aren't watching this show, you need to if only to watch the amazingness of White Trash America. Also? If this isn't a testament that people should have to have a license to have a baby I don't know what would be. If YouTube wasn't such a whore I would link you the video of Amber basically beating Gary down and him totally taking it. Which, props to him because if it had been me I probably wouldn't have just stood there, but whatever. So now she's freaking out because the police and child protective services are involved. Um... thank god. Because their kid, who's only a year or so, needs better parents. I can't even believe that she's gone this long without being investigated.

4. Lindsay Lohan. Seriously- can we say "lost cause"? Because she is. She's apparently fearing the worst on her hearing set for Friday and she should. Talk about a sense of entitlement. Yikes. Have fun in jail fire crotch.

5. Ginny Thomas. Don't know who she is? Read this article to catch up. Basically she wants Anita Hill to apologize for accusing her husband of being a fucking pervert asshole. The message was: “Good morning, Anita Hill, it's Ginny Thomas,” it quoted from the voicemail. “I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought and certainly pray about this and come to understand why you did what you did. Okay have a good day.”  Hi- is it just me or does this woman sound completely psychotic? The hearings took place in 1991 and it's what? 2010? I think SOMEBODY needs to get over it.

7. 2010 Elections. I could link up at least a million stories for this but I won't. And you know why? Because it's races like this that make me not want to vote. Because nobody is a good choice. There is not one person running for anything that is worthy of the job they so badly want. You have the Republicans screaming for change yet they aren't willing to work with anyone or compromise. Then you have the Democrats who try but can't get anybody to listen to them for a full 5 minutes without someone screaming Tea Party. It's a fucking mess. And no matter which way you look at it, everything is going to go Republican and we'll be right back where we were two years ago. FABULOUS. If that isn't progress who the fuck knows what is. What I do know is that I'm not even going to bother to vote because I don't support anyone on my ballot and because I know that no matter what, nothing will get better anyways. Sad times. And honestly? I think the fact that Republicans have spent so much money trying to gain votes is sickening. Couldn't you have used that money for something else? Like education? Something? Jesus christ. Must be nice to be rich and have rich friends because the rest of us have no idea what that's like. I get excited over coupons for god sakes. THAT? Is a problem.

Best part of my day? The new Kings of Leon album came out. God I love those boys. I would have any of their babies fo sho. *swoon*

Monday, October 18, 2010

I'm kind of famous, I'm obviously awesome AND I'm interviewed.

Oh my little lovely lambwhores. I have a scattered blog post for you tonight and you're going to love it because I said so.

So to start off, one of the cutest people I know, Jamie, hosted a blogger mail swap thing on her blog. And I know of hope she does it again because it was fun and who doesn't like getting mail that doesn't require you to write a check and hope it doesn't bounce? Woo hoo. The fun part is that my partner was Amber, whom I adore. I was retard happy when I saw she sent me something and then when I saw it I knew we were destined to be together:
She and I are like the sisters who were separated in a lab or something. I am VERY happy I got this book because I almost bought it at Barnes & Noble this weekend but thought maybe buying gas would be a better buy. Then I got Nectarine Mint lotion from Bath & Body Works which is MY. FAVORITE. EVER. (next to Twilight Woods). But I've been bitching to the poor people that work there that it should come in a lotion and not just soap and air fresheners and they just nod their head at me during my crazy rant and I'm sure they just hope the crazy lady practically huffing the nectarine mint hand sanitizer would just go away.

But I'm going to basically stock the fuck up on it now that I know it's in a lotion. It's a big deal.


So then I'm kind of famous for the day. Candace over at Fashionably Organized has me doing a monthly crafty post for her and this month? Is my FRY BOX TUTE. Yes, a fry box was involved and I may or may not have ordered three orders of fries to make sure I got the best box available. Shut up- I can't control myself with Wendy's fries. Anyways. So go HERE to check out my tute, show the blog some love, AND you can see what I'm making for Olivia and Jackson's classroom treats. Trust me- you'll wish you were a toddler.

On to the interviewing. So last...Thursday or so I asked you to email me questions. Only a few of you did and for the rest of you I hope you die a shameful and embarrassing death.

Just kidding!

(kind of)

Anyways- so we're going to do this Q&A style and I'm going to throw in some questions of a random question thingie I found.

1. My question is about your scrapbooking. I love the idea of scrapbooking but I don't really know where to start. I have bought tons of scrapbooking stuff, literally, hundreds of dollars worth. And my husband is telling me that if I don't start using up some of the stuff I by I might be working the streets next month to recoup the costs. Since I don't want to become a used up prostitute could you give me some pointers for beginners. Fun fact- I have answered this question 27 times over the last week. No joke. But here's the deal- you wing it. I'm serious and I know that doesn't help. The first thing I suggest you do is find a sketch book. You can find them at Michaels and scrapbook stores or you can go on Amazon and find them cheap. Something like this: Creative Sketches, Vol. 2
Creative Sketches, Vol. 2
is a good way to start. It basically shows you what to do depending on how many pictures you have for each page. And from there you just learn what you like and what you don't like. The second thing I suggest is get yourself a magazine or two and just copy what you see and make some subtle changes so it's your own. Also- check with a local scrapbook store (or even a Michaels, craft stores, local community colleges) because a lot of places have beginning classes that are pretty fun.

2. If you could have a party, what would the theme be, who would be invited (you can invite anyone, dead, alive, real, make believe) what would we eat (I say "WE" coz I know it wouldn’t be a party with out me!) what would we talk about and what would we listen to? Do you give out lolly bags and a piece of cake at the end, or something similar, and where would said party be?  Hmmm.. well I wouldn't necessarily do a theme. Maybe we can pretend to be college throwbacks and do a pimp & ho party. But ideally, it would be fun to invite all of my real life friends, and then friends I know through the Blogger world such as Krysten, Jamie, Matt, Neal, AmberJandy, Danielle, Annah, and of course, Annahita to come. Trust me when I tell you that this party? Would be insane. I don't think we'd have a problem with conversation and I know I could entrust Matt is being our personal DJ. You know I'd have goodie bags full of bizarre stuff but to make it a signature Sara bag it'd have sex toys in it for sure. I think this party would happen in Vegas. Speaking of... Vegas in May 2011 looks like it might happen-- I say we get the gang together and make this a real party....

3. How did "lambwhore" and "goatslut" get started? Ok- there are two beginnings. The first one is that you should know I really hate Lady Gaga. I think she looks like a man and I've her little schtick. I am not an idiot and I realize she'll be around for awhile but my hope is that people realize she isn't very original. Most of her stuff are knock off's from something else. But I think it's weird she calls her fans "little monsters" and so one night while watching her on some music show I decided I could do better basically. So then another fun fact is that I say things that don't make sense and talk out of my ass a lot. Which is why when I first said "lambwhore" I knew it was a winner. So then after awhile you people apparently like being called names that I decided maybe "goatslut" should be for guys and "lambwhore" for the ladies. Because lambs don't seem very manly but in my mind, goats do. So there you go. And yes, that is a lamb and goat humping in my button to your right.

4. If you could meet one follower- who & why? EASY. All of the people I mentioned in the party question would be who I'd like to meet. But if I could only meet one.... gah. I hate picking favorites because I love you all for different reasons. BUT... I'm gonna have to go with Matt aka Mr. O. Mostly because he's my blog bestie, he tells me when I'm a retard, he's my musical hookup, her gives damn good advice when I ask for it, he makes a great mix cd, he would rock out at a concert with me without batting an eye and he's adorable as all get out. I heart me some Mr. O.

5. List five things you would need to survive, if left alone on a deserted island. Good lord, that's hard. Assuming I'd have unlimited food and drinkity drinks..... 1. toilet paper- I refuse to use a leaf. And the fact I'd even pee or poo outside is a big deal. 2. Robert Pattinson or my secret crush. I'll take either but I would have to have someone with boy parts who's hot. 3. A vibrator in case it doesn't work out with guy from #2 and I end up killing him. It would obviously need to come with unlimited batteries. 4. My iPod full of every album I've ever wanted. This would need a way to charge it as well. 5. A tent complete with air mattress, books, lamp and pillow.

6. Have you ever flashed someone or gone commando? Yes, I have flashed someone while my friend was driving on the highway. I was...20? I was either 19 or 20. And yes, I have gone commando. Sometimes when you're wearing a dress you just don't feel like wearing a thong. I actually hate thongs and would rather go with nothing than endure a wedgie all day.

7. Do you swallow or spit? I am going to assume we *aren't* talking about saliva here since it wasn't specified. But I refuse to swallow. REFUSE.

8. If you had to pick the most erotic book you have every read, what would you pick? Oooh.. ok it's going to be a tie because I like them for different reasons. 1. Would be Vox by Nicholson Baker because it's a conversation between two people on a phone sex line. should read it. 2. The Navy Seal series from Lora Leigh. I reviewed one of them here, but oh my. I will admit to loving books with raunchy sex just all over the place in them and Lora did.not.disappoint.

OK- that's it for this evening my little lambwhores AND goatsluts. ;) But as can ask me anything at all either on a comment or shoot me an email at slinkies_r_us AT hotmail DOT com.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Dear Local Vandals.

*pause for this quick commercial*
I got my crafty one this weekend and while most of it were scrapbook pages and the treat boxes (coming soon bitches) for the three classes my kids are in.... I did get these super cute cards done. They are in my Etsy shop and you need to buy them. Right now. Do so HERE.

Before I get into this post I should give you some facts about the city I live in. According to the 2000 census we have a population of 27,368. We have a Wisconsin State University, we have a Wisconsin Technical College. We have a lot of churches. Pretty much most of what is considered in "north end" is what some would say is below poverty level area of town. I live in "south end" which isn't grand by any means. My mom lives on the nicer side of the main drag through town where I live on the "other" side but it's not bad. I actually like where my house is. It keeps my evenings entertained with the all the drug houses and pedophiles.

Between my house and my mom's we have a park that is really nice. It has a nice play are for kids, a huge grassy area for dogs and basically running around. It has a pavilion that a lot of families do picnics at. A local daycare uses it daily and the Boy Scouts maintain the garden area. It's a really nice park and pretty much everyone who lives in South Superior has either used it or does regularly now.

The problem is that we have a huge influx of people coming from major cities such as Minneapolis, Chicago, Detroit, etc. Now while some of these people are genuinely moving to the area to start over somewhere new, the majority are moving here to qualify for state benefits for being displaced workers in search of jobs. But what they do is basically be a leech on society and refuse to get a job, stay here for awhile, then move back. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Now while I could go into the argument that there should be someone monitoring this kind of shit because people who live here that actually need the benefits because their jobs aren't making basic needs met (shelter, food, utilities) I won't. Because that's for another day.

My issue? Is that almost everywhere you go in Superior you'll see spray painted graffiti on something. And nothing pisses me off more than people who vandalize someone else's property or flat out steals it. Just because you can't get off your lazy ass and get a fucking job doesn't mean you have the right to take away something from someone else or ruin it.  A few weeks ago someone spray painted someone's brand new fence. Thankfully, the neighbors near him helped him clean it off. A neighbor of my mom's has had his motorhome spray painted TWICE.

What has just hit my tipping point is the fact they have now hit the neighborhood park. My mom and I walk at different times but we have both noticed that every once in awhile there is a group of either teenagers smoking like the bad asses they think they are or a group of black people who may or may not be transient. I say that because they are only there once in awhile and I'm not sure if they live around the park and it doesn't really matter.

But when they do shit like this? It burns my ass.

Do these assholes even know what fucking anarchy even is? Because somehow I doubt. Stay in school fucktards because maybe one day you'll pay attention during your American Government class.

Really? Is this necessary, Teddy? Because I'm glad you at least know what street the park is on. But nobody cares that you were even here. Because the fact of the matter? You are a boil on the ass of society.
But the thing that pisses my mom off the most? The duck. Jackson freaking LOVES riding on the duck and now...
Poor duck. What kind of asshole spray paints a duck? Jackson was pretty bummed the duck was messed up.

I don't know why people insist on doing this like this to a town so it looks like shit and like a fucking ghetto. We're in Wisconsin, assholes. If you want a ghetto, please move. I'll help you pack. I am so sick and tired of people who fail to take responsibility for themselves. Get a job, do better for yourself. I realize that jobs don't pay a whole lot, I GET IT. But isn't minimum wage better than nothing? Don't you want to show your kids what hard work means? I get it's easier just let us taxpayers pay for everything for you but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of calling the police about gangs of punks hanging out in a park at night and them doing nothing. I'm tired of calling the police about what is essentially a drug drive through down the street from me but doing nothing. I'm tired of the pedophile behind me calling his little girls his "little whores" and having police tell me there's nothing they can do. I'm tired of driving around and seeing shit spray painted with misspelled words. If you're going to vandalize please for the love of god type it out on a computer and use spell check first.

I'm tired of walking around town and seeing these guys with their pants falling off their asses. Hi- it's not cute. You look like a fucking idiot. I'm glad you're wearing underwear at least but I don't want to see it. It's not hot to wear clothes bigger than you need. It's not hot to have a comb stuck up in your hair. It's not hot to speak Ebonics when you're very much white. It's not hot act like a general asshole in the middle of the grocery store. It's not hot to loudly proclaim that you're going to "fuck that fat bitch like the fucking cunt she is" when I'm standing in front of you with two toddlers. I don't want to explain what a cunt is to a 5 year old girl. And to top it off? When a kid, no more than 10, was telling his friend or brother that his mom is being "such a bitch", while the mom is standing right there, and I said to him, "Please watch your language- you aren't old enough to know what you're even saying" his MOM told me to fuck myself. Yeah. 

*Round of applause to excellent parenting right there* I don't think I have to tell you what my mom would have done if that was me at 10 years old.

So I'm frustrated. And I'm angry. And I'm scared these punks are going to be a bigger influence than me on my kids.