Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm not a baby--- I'm a genetic freak.

Before I get into tonight's post-- you absolutely, without a doubt, NEED to read this post HERE to understand tonight's post.

It's ok-- I'll wait. (While waiting... click on "play" on my play list to your right. It's my new favorite song starting us off. Me and the kids have been jamming hard core to this. Olivia told me it makes her want to jump and jump a lot. Fucking AMEN.)

And for the record- if you didn't read that post please do not post me a stupid question like, "What won't you eat" because I'll secretly hate you and I may or may not do a little voodoo bit on you. (OK- so I don't know how to do voodoo but I'm sure YouTube can show me how.)

The other day while bored and online, I came across an article about adult picky eaters. I clicked on it because anyone who knows me in real life knows I am a huge picky eater. I basically don't eat anything good for me. Ever. I mean... I do-- there are things I will eat but basically it's really hard. But I was reading the article and everything described me. (You can read the article here if you want)

Selective eaters tend to like similar foods, with an emphasis on the bland and processed. They love salt. French fries are a favorite. Bacon is the only meat many of them will eat. Fruit, vegetables and alcohol are snubbed for the most part — with light beer and raw carrots being possible exceptions.

Hi- my name is Sara and my favorite foods include salt and french fries. I could live off of the french fries from Wendy's or Flame. I buy pretzel rods mostly to suck off the huge chunks of salt. I don't actually care for bacon but I'll eat hamburger, steak, chicken, turkey, or pork as long as there is no visible fat anywhere near what I'll be eating and I have a crap ton of ketchup. I don't like fruit (except grapes and red apples), vegetables (except lettuce and grapes), and I don't like beer. I prefer my food to come out of a package because the whole "it came out of my garden" (which is mostly dirt and bugs) is disgusting. Trust me- pesticides sound tastier than a fucking bug.

And Zucker's research suggests picky eaters reject foods based on sensory qualities other than taste: They don't like the look or smell of certain (most) foods.

I won't eat most foods that look weird or have a weird texture. I specifically don't eat bananas because they feel the same in my mouth as stepping on dog poop feels on my shoe. Gross. That's just one example.

Most people with this disorder are highly embarrassed by their limited food repertoire and will go to great lengths to keep it hidden, either by avoiding social events that involve food or drinks (which ones don't?), or by making up excuses to avoid eating, such as fibbing about an upset belly.
Oh so very true. I hate, hate, HATE when I am going out with a group and you get the asshole that says, "Let's make Sara pick since she's so picky." No. Because if I had to pick we'll end up at Wendy's or at my house having peanut butter and jelly with a side of pretzel rods (again, for the salt). Or we'll have pepperoni pizza rolls. Or Captain Crunch cereal. (I have service for 12 as far as dishes... come on over.)

I don't like going places where food is served because I know that the chance of me finding anything to eat is going to be slim to none. And most hostesses will be offended if I come for dinner and just watch everyone eat. Clearly, it's obvious I'm not anorexic so they presume it's because I think they make sucky food. Well- they kind of do because it does look like barf to me, but it's totally me. I get that I'm a freak. I go to dinner at my inlaws and I know my mother in law is a good cook. Everyone says so. But I barely eat when I'm there. And I hate it because I do feel bad that she went through all of this effort... and I just can't do it. I am not really able to try new things. I hate going to buffets because I can usually never find anything. I can't go to dinner theatres because I know I won't be able to eat what they serve. Just a few examples.

I never make people make exceptions for me. I'm content to find SOMETHING to eat and just pick everything weird or gross off.

And really? My fear about traveling to any place outside of the U.S is the food. I will probably die of starvation. How long can you last without eating? I mean, it'd have to be a short trip. Or I'd have to smuggle in candy for meals.

And even if you read some of the comments on there- it's obvious that a lot of people are ignorant to things they don't understand or even have experienced. If you don't like a certain food... that's one thing. It's not a big deal. But to not like a whole variety of foods... for no real reason other than the look of it, the smell, the texture, etc... that's a problem.
I'll be honest- I'm kind of glad that there is more coming on this topic. I have gone my whole life being criticized for what I will and won't eat, people get frustrated that I can't just force it down to be polite (well...I could.. but I would most certainly barf on the table and I think that's ruder than just not trying). And people try to give me recipes and tell me "you can't even taste it!" well that's bull. I can taste it. If I even think something is in there I can taste it. It's awful. Try dieting like this. Most diets tell you to up your fruits and veggies and that'll help. Well you can only eat so many fucking grapes and apples before you're BFF's with your toilet and understanding why they make cushioned seats.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Black Friday. I survived.

I forgot to tell you about my Black Friday.

Sorry lambies.

So after eating until I felt like puking on Thanksgiving, I asked Matt to wake me up at 1am, so I could pick my mom up at 2 am, and we could be at Kohl's for the 3am opening. Just like we do every year. That would then allow us to get to Walmart for 5am. It was flawless.

But I didn't sleep much since I actually was puking that night. Not from food, but I think I was beginning to get the flu, which is always a treat. After puking for awhile I finally fell asleep. And I woke up to hearing my phone ringing at 3am. APPARENTLY, Matt forgot to wake me up. So I peed and threw on clothes that were in the dirty clothes hamper and literally sped to my mom's. Which was fun because it was icy. Mom and I got to Kohl's at 3:45 to find an entirely packed parking lot. By the grace of baby Jeebus, the aisle I pulled into immediately had a car pulling out. So I got to park right away.

And then angels started singing. (OK, they didn't- but they should have.)

Once inside, mom and I scored awesome toys for the kids. I got Jackson two Hot Wheels race track/road things, a huge Thomas the Train set, a Batman car, and some other weird thing I can't remember. Then I got Olivia a Barbie doll, another Barbie with 5 outfits, and a Polly Pocket beach house. All of that? $60, and then I got $10 in Kohl's cash I can use this week. Fucking SCORE.

We were only there 45 minutes and that was phenomenal because that place was packed. So bonus points to Kohl's for having an amazing system.

So after that, we hustle to Walmart. Which was SUPPOSED to be open at 5am for doorbusters. We got there at 5:03 and EVERY toy on sale was gone. All of the doorbusters were gone. Which was odd because we have never had this problem. But it turns out, that the Walmart in Superior is full of retards for two reasons. One, the store started checking people out before they should have. Two, all of the crazies went there. We saw people fighting over dumb things, people literally parking themselves in aisles and chatting on the phone, and people generally being dumb. Despite the fact that some of our stuff was gone... we did get what we wanted. I got Olivia the babysitter Barbie, I got Jackson a couple of action figure guys, and I got Uno Moo for Jackson. Oh, and I got them pajamas, I got Matt a pack of white tshirts (not a gift, he just needs them) and I got him a small gift he asked for. So I spent $79 which was HORRIBLE. But I was glad to get out of there.

After dropping my mom off, I went home and went back to bed for a few hours. When I woke up, Jackson and I had a little date since Olivia was with my grandparents. After lunch, I went to Target. Which was NOT the mad house I thought it would be. I got Jackson the Toy Story 3 movie, and I got Olivia the Barbie Cruise Ship. Then I got them their special ornaments for the year, and a few house stuff  needed, spent $79. I need to even the kids up for gifts, but I'm done.

But the awesomeness? Is the BEST GIFT EVER for Matt. I can't tell you what it is because he reads the blog once in awhile. But if my brother wasn't so awesome it wouldn't have happened. First off, my brother got up at 3am. (Granted he was going to buy himself a TV) Second, he pretty much financed it for me. He put it on his credit card and is letting me pay him back. BEST BROTHER EVER.

Travis went to Target, only to find the line to be insane. Luckily, he knows a million people and found someone towards the front of the line and pretty much cut in line.

THEN, when the doors opened, he ran towards the maternity area where the TV's were...only to find they were all gone already. But that doesn't deter him... no way. He found an unattended cart with a TV so he did what every good bargain hunter does.

He took the cart and ran like fucking hell.

Which is kind of funny because you know whoever had that.. was probably the first in line.

*laugh* We're going to burn in hell.

Anyways. So he goes to get Matt's gift.... and they tell him they are all gone. SADS. But then.... Travs knew someone working who hooked him up. With the very LAST one in the store...which was in the back. FUCKING SCORE.

So all in all.... I would say that ths year's Black Friday was a success. I am almost totally done with my shopping, except for a few things I need to order online... hopefully in the next two weeks so I don't have to pay out the ass for shipping.

But I'm pretty excted for what I got the kids. They are going to be thrilled. And I got a good deal. So I don't feel like throwing up from that. Bonus.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Funny, Honest, and Exhausted.

I've gotten two blog awards recently and I'm SORRY I've forgotten to post them. Whoopsy shit.

The first one is from Jess and she gave me this one:
There are rules such as I need to pass this on to 7 blogs that I regularly laugh at. Well.... I have a bunch- but I'm only going to pass it onto one blog because that's how this bitch rolls homie. It's going to go to Neal at You Know What Really Grinds My Gears. Not just because he's one of my blog besties, or because he keeps me entertained with his emails, or because he's adorable as hell (and these are all fine reasons) but because he really is hilarious. His blog brightens my morning when I see a post in my Google Reader because not only will I laugh but I will agree, most of the time. So Neal- cheers to you lover.

Then Aimee gave me the Honest Scrap award. Which is fitting because I tend to be a little bit too honest sometimes.
The rules are that I have to list 10 honest things about ME. So here we go:

1. I have a desire to wear a short skirt and really tall boots. I don't know why and it doesn't really seem like a sexual thing. Just something I want to do.

2. If I could afford to do it- I would have liposuction or whatever to get rid of the little pouch between my va-jay-jay and belly button. I've had that weird thing my whole life and no matter what I do it never goes away. It's annoying. So if I could..... I would have surgery to fix that. Even though I've seen surgery shows and the post op stuff is fucking disgusting. Like I'd have to make someone else clean the stitches or whatever because no fucking way could I do it.

3. Which brings me to the fact I can't handle blood, puke, or shit. Pee... not a problem. Unless it's a really large amount of pee where I can smell the pee... then it's a problem. The others... ew. I can't handle it. Not if it's mine, not if it's my kids, nothing. If I see it, you'll find me gagging and more likely, puking nearby.

4. Which brings me to the fact I have a terrible gag reflex. I once gagged sucking out of a straw. True story. Totally embarrassing. I can make my gag reflex start without having anything in my mouth. Just the thought having something in my mouth will make me gag.

5. I'm a pussy when it comes to scary movies. Folks- I couldn't even watch Scream (the first one) because I was TERRIFIED. And I tried HARD because I was absolutely in love with Skeet Ulrich. I think it's maybe because one of my fears is to be abducted in the dark and then butchered, so watching that actually happen on TV or in a movie is not really a good time for me. But I was scared during Harry Potter #5 and #6 so you can just make fun of me now. It's ok- I can take it.

6. Since I am scared of the dark, if I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee- I'm ok getting to the bathroom. It's the coming back to bed that freaks me out. So what I'll do is that once I get to my living room, I run really fucking fast through there, into my room, and make an Olympic style jump over my linen chest onto my bed. Why? Because I watched a show once where a killer hid under the bed and grabbed someones ankles. My friend did that to me once and I literally pissed myself. DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME. So I invariably wake Matt up once I jump onto the bed. And the poor cats now get off the bed once they see me coming.

7. Christmas is the only holiday I get excited for (except for my birthday... obviously). I have a ridiculous amount of decorations and I wait the ENTIRE year to buy more. I have spent the entire weekend putting decorations up, then changing where I had them, etc just because it's fun.

8. But that brings me to what Matt considers to be an unhealthy obsession with snowmen. To which I say- fuck you. Snowmen are adorable and I love them all. Who doesn't love fat men with scarves? Huh? Losers, that's who. But in recent years I've been banned from buying snowmen stuff and was only allowed to buy Santa. Well Santa is overloading my house- so I'm going back to snowmen. Mostly because Pier One will put their stuff on sale soon and I'm hoping to score the topsy turvy green snowman. (For the record- he'd match my topsy turvy Santa so that will be my bargaining chip.)

9. I am appalled to hear how many people have NOT gone to a sex toy party. This came up at our last blogger get together and again FOUR other times I've gotten together with people. Personally, this is a travesty. I think everyone should attend one at least once to be in awe at the awesome. When we host the next get together up north- that's what we're doing. And you're all invited. I'm serious. I can't let you go on being lambwhores and goatsluts without being educated. Vibrators and cock rings are you friends.

10. Hmmm... what can I end this list with???? Um... oh- I got my period at age 12. There. That's personal, right? Personal and gross. So there you go.

So yeah- I'm not posting tomorrow night because we're putting up our tree and rearranging furniture and yeah. I'll be tired. Maybe more tired than I am tonight. We had Thanksgiving Round 2 at my in laws tonight and so we've only been home for maybe 30 minutes. The kids are already in bed, I fell asleep on the way home AND I still feel like crap. Oh- here's some fun news. So you know how I'm in major debt to the vet for Lenny? Well Matt just informed me he needs to make repairs to his Jeep. Great. I'll just pull that out of the asshole that dispenses money that I haven't found yet. *sigh*

Friday, November 26, 2010

Hi, I'm not dead.

I am sorry I've been away. Us folk in America had Thanksgiving and then I've been puking. You've all managed ok but I see a few of you have gotten a bit loose so I'm back as your leader. So let's talk Turkey Day 2010..  round 1.

Round one consists of me cooking a bunch on Thursday, my mom contributing a turkey and dressing, and my Grandparents bringing a whole bunch of stuff too. My refrigerator is loaded down with enough leftovers to feed those poor assholes in Africa who refuse to just kill a fucking antelope or something but instead choose to beg every other country to help them.

First come, first serve, Africa.

But in between the cooking I get on the maniac cleaning phase. I was feeling a bit... um... homicidal towards Matt. You see, as I'm running around sweeping and mopping, and cleaning windows, and doing a total of TEN loads of laundry... then followed that with sorting out Jackson's toys upstairs... he's bitching about taking garbage out. Meanwhile, my hands are literally burning and peeling from all of the dishes I had done over two days so I took a break from that and sorted out the toy storage thing in our living room which has been annoying me to no end for months.

And then I organized my spice drawer.
 I can't even tell you how happy my heart is to see this drawer. I even cleaned out my spice carousel. It was such a great moment.

Oh- here was my audience and helpers when cooking. I have a Transformer with a broken shooter gun thingie and a mostly naked Strawberry Shortcake. She's wearing panties and shoes and frankly- it's all you really need in life.
 Dinner was awesome and it was fun to see all of my family here in my house. We all complained (loudly) about the lack of lighting in my kitchen (again) and if I get light fixtures for Christmas I won't be surprised.

Here's me and my little brother Travis... he's two years younger but way bigger than me. He cracks me up and I love spending time with him.
I had this awesome plan to provide you pictures of our feast but I totally forgot but here's what we ended up having:

Turkey (obviously-- and you can see it's dead body on my counter behind me in the picture)
Crockpot Stuffing
Rosemary Garlic Roasted Red Potatoes (retard easy to make)
Green Bean Casserole (it's Matt's fav but I hate the smell of green beans.)
Cranberry Sauce
Deviled Eggs
Relish Tray
Cocktail Shrimp (drizzled with seasoning & lemon juice served with sauce sprinkled with diced cucumbers. I heard it was really good- but *gag* I don't do seafood)
Dinner Rolls
Baked Apples
Whipped Sweet Potatoes

Um... I think that's it. And we had a marshmallow dessert my Grandma makes, pumpkin pie and a turtle pie. The turtle pie is so fucking good. I'm glad I found that recipe again. MMMMM.

So that's my Thanksgiving.

I woke up this morning to do Black Friday shopping- more on that... tomorrow? Probably. ;)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

There might be two

...posts today because bitches I can do that.

Last night I didn't post because not only was I lazy.... but I was engrossed with my sister in law watching 16 and Pregnant. I'll have a post on that fucking mess someday.

Anyways. So I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Well, some of it. My mom is making the turkey and dressing/stuffing WHATEVER, and my Grandma is bringing a few side things. I'm in charge of corn, green bean casserole, potatoes, appetizers, pie, and bread. And although a part of me feels like people don't think I can handle doing it all.... I'm ok with it. First off, I can't afford to buy it all right now. Second off, I have a big kitchen but it's easier when people share the oven related duties.

I have to make the pie this evening and I'll probably start on little things I can store in the fridge overnight. Hoping my potatoes thaw (I froze them after my in-laws garden bounty and thank god because potatoes are fucking expensive here), and we always have cocktail shrimp for the boys which at the moment, frozen stiff. So yeah. Come on and thaw whores!

But the icing on it all is that I have two sick kids. Olivia is on day 5 of this shit so I'm hoping she'll be fine for tomorrow. Jackson is on day one and looks absolutely miserable. Actually both kids do. But last night Olivia was dozing while sitting on my lap and promptly peed on me.


Then after some drama at bedtime, she pukes in her bed. Which, anyone who knows me in real life knows I can't handle puke. I can't handle any kind of puke and I don't care if I pushed you through my vagina, it doesn't matter and I'll be gagging. Which I was. And that went into overdrive when I saw that some puke got on my arm. Matt's really lucky I didn't through up right there as well. DISGUSTING. So after changing sheets and getting a new pillow for her, and battling over the night light that isn't good enough for her, she went to sleep. But all night I heard both of them coughing.

Oh, and Matt? Had really bad heartburn. Pretty much anything he eats results in heartburn and possibly throwing up. He eats TUMS like fucking candy and nothing over the counter work. And I keep insisting that he go to the doctor but he goes to a fucking quack who told him what he's doing is all he can do. Um... no. That's not true. I watch TV and I've seen commercials for drugs specifically for this. So I told him he better call the doctor fucking ASAP because I hate waking up to hear him puke. It's disgusting.

Sometimes.... I really hate living here. Because when I'm sick- nobody is babying me. Nope- I get asked when I'm washing laundry the next time.

And the test may come soon... because I have a sore throat and my head feels clogged. This time last year I had H1N1 flu and thought I was dying. This year.. I'm getting what I hope is only a cold.

Fucking November.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Check, Check, Vagina, One, Two

I've had an eventful days when I thought it was going to be pretty plain jane.

I had to go and get a pap smear today. Now, if you're a woman and not masochistic, you know that this is dreaded. There is nothing pleasant about having a duck billed speculum shoved into your vagina so that it opens the whole thing up so they can use what looks like a triangle Q-tip to brush against your cervix. It takes less than a minute but it's a violation non the less.

But what made my visit even STRANGER is everything else that happened besides that. First off, when I got checked in I got a mini-lecture on how I need to be there EVERY year NO MATTER WHAT and I tried to explain that I am sure I was there last year. Nope, apparently my last visit was my 6 week after care appointment when I had Jackson. Whoopsy. Which is two years- not a decade people.

The nurse brings me into the room and tells me to undress from the waist down and unhook my bra. Standard. What's not standard is the fact she gave me no gown and not even the big piece of paper they call a sheet. No, nothing. So I start looking through all of the cupboards and I find a drawer of lube and speculums, but no sheets. I give myself the "See? This is why you should always have a sweater and aren't you smart for wearing one today" pep talk. Except that the sweater was to keep my arms, exposed from my sleeveless shirt, warm. So I'm half naked, bra dangling, and freezing. Because apparently they've cut back on sheets and heat since that room was not providing anything in the form of heat.

I wait 20 minutes.

In walks the Nurse Practitioner. And some people cringe but these NP's are way more thorough and you can actually ask questions. But this NP was way more thorough than a normal one so she's checking every hole out if you know what I mean. Which is weird but ok I guess. I mean, I don't want to have Anal Cancer I suppose. Even though Farrah Fawcett had that..... tell me you didn't laugh when they said "Anal Cancer" on tv. (Tell me that and I'll call you a dirty liar.)

Anyways. So I'm asking her questions and I guess I really am allergic to certain condoms, weird but good to know. She asks me about birth control but we rule out anything with a lot of estrogen otherwise my migraines will get worse, so no pill. She tries talking me into the NuvaRing which honest to god looks like a glow bracelet and I couldn't put that in there. I wanted to ask how the fuck you get it out without shoving your entire hand up there. And what if it got stuck on a penis when you're having sex? How do you discreetly say, "Oh snap- give me my jelly bracelet back" and shove it up in there? No. That's a MOOD KILLER. So I nix that option. I decide I'll have to stick with condoms which sucks but I don't want to get fat, have more migraines, or fist myself.

But while I'm getting my exam.... the NP starts asking me if I have vaginal dryness since having kids, which yeah-- I kind of assumed every one did. So she goes on and on about lubrication (even though I'm telling her I've got that covered), how I should tell my husband I need more foreplay (even though I tell her we've got that covered as well) and then... THEN... she opens my purse and puts, I'm not kidding, 50 packets of lube in there. For "later".

Are you kidding me?? Why don't you just throw in a vibrator and I'll be set.

So after my visit, I'm walking around knowing I have all this lube in my purse which is hilarious on its own, but then I had to go to a funeral afterwards. So I'm sitting in a church and I'm crying because the whole thing is really sad and it was the brother of my high school friend, he died of cancer at 24. Sad situation. But once I remembered I had a purse full of lube... in a church... I kind of started snickering. THANKFULLY, nobody sat next to me since I was in the back and the service was almost done. Totally inappropriate. And I would have taken the lube out, but then where do I  put that so someone doesn't walk next to my van to see 50 packs of lube??? I mean come on- not the message I'm trying to send here.

That was my day. I put all the lube in our toy box so that I'm not walking around with it. FYI.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Pink Wee and the Worst Slumber Party Ever.

So before I get into the worst slumber party EVER... I am showing you my creation for Wee Memories Pink Challenge. I had to do some birthday cards so here you go- it's practically throwing up pink.

Ok. So I was trying to catch up on blogs (seriously- I'm about ready to throw in the towel) but I always check a certain few. One of those would be my new girl crush *cough-obsession-cough* Helena. The other day she posted a hilarious tale of the what you shouldn't do at a sleepover and it reminded me of my worst sleepover experience. And because I love Helena enough to go lesbian.... I'll share it.

I was about 9 or 10. I didn't really have any friends but was forced into friendship with a girl named Lona. (pronounced Lawn-a). Lona was two years younger than me and at that age- it's kind of a big deal. Lona had a sister named Lexi who was turning 16 and Lexi had a friend named Jackie. Basically- these girls were ubber cool. Not just because they were way older than us but because Lexi and Jackie had half naked pictures of boys. And they talked about kissing boys.

Lexi was having her 16th birthday party and Lona was allowed to have a friend spend the night... enter me. Now, it was lame because Lona & Lexi didn't really live here, they were visiting their dad (who worked with my dad... which is how a forced friendship works). Their dad and step mom were really nice and I liked them. I loved the fact that their house was huge AND it had a bar. Lona and I would play bartender all the time.

Anyways- so after Lexi opened her presents (I distinctly remember us giving her the game Boggle) we all headed down to the "rec room" which is code for a basement with carpet and furniture. And a bar. We were all supposed to watch scary movies, which I suck at, and I had a plan to pretend to fall asleep.

At some point during the movie I mentioned that I was thirsty. The fact that Lexi and Jackie both jumped at the opportunity to get Lona and I something to drink should have been my first warning. After a few minutes.. they called us upstairs to the kitchen. They were holding a cup for each of us and told us they made us chocolate milk. I'm reluctant but when you have two cool girls telling you stop being a pussy.... you chug it.

And you try not to throw up.

Because the chocolate milk?

Was really a concoction of chocolate milk heavily seasoned with oyster seasoning, cayenne pepper and dill.

To this day I remember what that tasted like and even thinking about it makes me gag. Oh-- but that wasn't all.

At that point I realized I needed to stay away from them. Unfortunately, I'm a heavy sleeper. (Fun fact: I've slept through fire alarms.) While I was sleeping, Lexi and Jackie not only smeared Vaseline in my shoes AND underwear (that I wasn't wearing) but they smeared it all in my hair. And Lona's. Lona got it worse because they did every part of exposed skin. Thankfully- I was in my sleeping bag and they didn't unzip it.

When I woke up I was crying- I had no idea what to do. Lona's step mom Julie helped us get cleaned up but made it clear that we should have shut the bedroom door. We never told about the fun drink. I went home as soon as I got cleaned up and I never spent the night there again. In fact... I don't remember ever going to play there again.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Reading Rockstar

It just dawned on me that the show Reading Rainbow didn't really feature a lot of reading. Did it? I remember having to watch it in my English class in third grade but I don't remember them reading on there.

Anyways. Here's what I've read the last two weeks:

1. Summer at Tiffany- Marjorie Hart

Summer at Tiffany
This book was given to me awhile ago and it's been sitting on my shelf for almost a year. SHAMEFUL. It's a memoir written by Marjorie Hart, who at the time she wrote this, was in her 80's. It was given to me by a senior editor who wanted me to know that you seriously don't need to be of a certain age to write your first book.

Essentially, the book is about Marjorie and her friend Marty, who were students at the University of Iowa in 1945. That summer, they set out on an adventure and lived out what happened to be the best summer of their lives. They went to New York City and got a job at the famed Tiffany & Co. store and became the first female pages of the store. Pure luck got them the job but they didn't take it for granted. The story is really good and mixed in you learn about the war going on at the time and just interesting tidbits about the time in general. She writes about her sightings of celebrities, summer love with a soldier, and her making a tough decision at the end. Basically- it is a really fun read if you like memoirs.

No One You Know
Sometimes I have a really hard time getting into plain old fiction books that don't have the promise of hot sex in it. I don't know why- just the way it is. This one... was ok. It wasn't great but the mystery aspect was enough to keep me going. The book is about Ellie Enderlin who leads a direction-less life since her sister Lila was murdered. The murder was never solved but her family was torn apart by the betrayal of a book about the crime written by Ellie's friend. Eventually Ellie decides that in order to give herself a path she needs to correct the wrongs and figure out once and for all who really killed her sister. I will tell you that you DO find out who it is but it's a surprisingly sad twist, really. I got lost in some of the details that weren't really important at all, but for the most part the story kept me engaged.

3. Chill Factor- Sandra Brown

Chill Factor: A Novel
I feel like I've gotten onto the Sandra Brown train really late and that is terrible. This book was SO interesting that I read all 389 pages in two nights. The story is about Lilly Martin who comes to this po-dunk town to finalize her divorce to new police chief Dutch. Oh, and the po-dunk town has 5 missing women, presumably all dad. Enter Ben Tierney who is a suspicious character. It's a snowstorm, Dutch leaves, Lilly hits Tierney with her car and they become holed up in her cabin during an ice storm. Sounds cheesy, but go with it. The plot line of trying to figure out who's the killer is gripping. I thought I knew who it was but then changed my mind and ended up being right. All of the characters are shady and while there are a few different plot lines going on at once, Sandra Brown winds them together perfectly at the end. I totally recommend this book- and I'm going to get more of hers in the future.

4. Conversations with the Fat Girl- Liza Palmer

Conversations with the Fat Girl
I actually got this book from Amber during last month's Blogger Mail Swap. The thing about this book is that you might not really get it unless you are, or previously were, a fat girl. Basically, Maggie (the fat girl) is the maid of honor in Olivia's wedding (her best friend who was previously fat but then got skinny bitch via surgery) and while Maggie tries to plan a shower she loses enthusiasm for the wedding when she questions whether or not Olivia is still a good enough friend. She wants it to work out.. yet... Olivia makes it hard. And then Maggie has a crush on a really hot guy.. who seems interested. So she's batting her worth and dealing with Olivia. It sucks. There were funny parts, parts where you felt bad, and parts where you could sympathize with Maggie. I absolutely loved the ending... love and revenge. :)

OK- so I also started the Maggie Stiefvater Faerie books... Lament is first and Ballad is second. I'm like half way through Lament and I am IN LOVE with this book. If you like Shiver and Linger (her other two books) you will love this.

What are YOU reading??

Friday, November 19, 2010

Give Me A Quickie

Actually.... I'm going to give YOU a quickie. ;)

My night was blah. And I have a headache...teetering on migraine. Awesomesauce homie g's.

Basically Matt is crabby as hell which is always fun. The kids and I had our pizza and popcorn party (seriously) so we can watch the Christmas City of the North parade. I've actually marched in the parade enough times to know that standing next to the lake with a wind chill factor is not a good time. It's much better to watch it on tv in your living room.

In pajamas.

Eating pizza and popcorn.

And someday.... we may add adult beverages. Assuming my kids are of legal age and still living at home.

Anyways. So do you remember how I rambled about maybe seeing My Chemical Romance in December in Chicago? Yeah.. not happening. But I will see them in April in Minneapolis. This is awesome for lots of reasons and I'm just happy to have another concert to look forward to. Now if I can just find something between now and then.....

Oh! So last night I mentioned the Girl Talk competition I am having with my friend Matt... and I am kicking ass! I have five pages of songs/artists that I can figure out. I don't think listening to it again (it's a little over an hour long) will add anything more to that list. Some of the rap screwed me up but THANKFULLY the guy who mashes it is a fan of 80's and classic rock. I'm holding my own there. A lot of what I recognized I have in my own music collection so I'm confident I'm going to win.

Which is why I think we should have an awesome prize.


I told him we should just do it now but he needs the weekend. I sent him a text picture of my list and it's pure intimidation. And here I thought I was going to lose. If I lose it'll be close. I'm not going without a fight hookers.

Anyways. So tomorrow I am going to do book reviews because I have four on my desk and I need to review them so I can move them to their home. Which currently is going to be on the floor. I need another bookcase.

AND... I am going to watch Harry Potter #5 and #6 this weekend. So I can see the new one which I'm hearing incredible reviews on. Some of you want to know how I didn't know I owned movies 1-5... and it's because I don't buy them. If I buy them, I know I have it. Matt has a way of buying stuff and hiding it and then all of a sudden I'm like, "whoa- wtf?" Oh- guess what else I'm going to watch to get my Robert Pattinson fix? My movie Robsessed. Shut your whore mouth (that's for you, Simple Dude!).... my sister in law got me that last Christmas and he's divine. *sigh*

OK- so there you go. That's my Friday post. I also got an award... which I will do on Sunday. I have to give you 10 things you don't know about me. HA! That'll be fun.

Till then...


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Conferences and Broken Promises

Good lord- I have had literally, a whacked up day. I felt really busy and pulled in a bunch of directions but when I really look back... I wasn't. Just my crazy getting in the way.

So tonight I had Olivia's first conferences for 4 year old Kindergarten. No lie, I was kind of scared. Not because she's doing bad, quite the opposite- I know she's smart and is way better than most of the kids in her class. I was scared because she is quite the diva. She says things that are funny to us... but others may not think are funny. Basically- she's the four year old version of me.

Her teacher said academically- she's fabulous. She's way more advanced than a lot of the kids and she prefers the math and science tables over the writing. She likes to write a lot at home.... so I'm thinking the newness of science and math is why she likes to do that more there. Which is fine. She is on target for the end of the year... which means she could pretty much be in regular kindergarten right now. Her struggle is interacting with other kids. She's social and she plays well. She is a great sharer. The problem.... is that she lets other kids boss her around. They take things from her basically because she lets them. The teacher is only now getting her to open up and tell her that someone is being mean. So we have to work on that. I know I was like that and to an extent... I'm like that now. I let some people walk all over me and I don't know why. So overall, she's smart... just painfully shy and quiet.

I asked Matt this evening where he is on the laundry sink project. He promised me I'd have a fully functioning, non-clogging sink that was from this century. And working plumbing. It would be glorious and I would bond with my new sink and possibly say dirty things to it. The PROMISE was that I would have it by Thanksgiving. We have everything we need except $50 worth of plumbing and a $40 piece of countertop. Everything else is in the garage. But yeah.. it's not going to happen. I'm not happy about this and quite frankly- I'm sick of him bitching about it. He's had FIVE YEARS to work on this and he keeps putting it off. I told him if he wants to re-do plumbing that is our crawlspace when it's -10 outside and lose his balls to hypothermia..... well that's his choice. But that god damn sink is going in whether he wants it to or not. Because this scene:
is not acceptable. Yes- that is a clogged sink and Matt using a fucking wire hanger to unplug it. What plugged it? Well that would be the metal flaking off the side of the sink. Disgusting. The laundry room is like the shame of my existence. People see my house and think it's cute and then BAM! They see the ghetto laundry room. *sigh*

In other news..... I am playing a game with my blogger bestie, Matt. He's going to kick my ass but I'm not going down with out a fight. Basically..... have you heard of Girl Talk? (I seriously thought he was talking about that game that had the pretend phone... you know- we all played it when we were like 9. Not surprisingly, he said that's not anywhere close to what he was talking about.) But what it REALLY is.... is this guy that mashes & mixes a bunch of songs. He released an album yesterday (for free!) and we are going to see who can name as many songs & artists. There may or may not be a prize. I have until Monday and I can't cheat. He can't either...but I don't think he needs it. I need it. I haven't listened to the radio in oh.... a year? Probably a year. So wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I'm going to make today better.

And I did. It was still a sucky day but it's getting better.

I figured that maybe if I got my creative side of my brain working again... I'll start feeling more normal. And it helped a little. So I made some ornaments. I'm not sure if these are going in my Etsy shop yet. If you want one..let me know. I can do blue, green and red.

 But basically they are plastic bulbs that I added ink and glitter to it. They are really pretty. I also give my Christmas gifts with a  gift tie on.. usually one I made.. and this is what I'm using this year. But if you want one let me know. :)

After I made a bunch of these.. I checked my email and mail. First off I got a couple of sympathy cards in the mail and that made me feel better. It's nice to know I have friends that understand that the loss of a pet is a big deal. So thanks to you ladies. And the vet sent us a card saying they felt bad Lenny died and it came with his paw print. Which I guess is nice. I'll give them that.

Then in my email one of my high school classmates sent me a card from BluntCards.com and I almost choked it was so funny:
And for those of you who are relatively new to these parts and have no idea what a nightmare my post about my reunion ended up being.. you need to go HERE and HERE. And then you'll understand why that card was super funny. Thanks, Brooke! :)

Finally-- some of you emailed me to see when I was going to put my Christmas/Holiday cards in my Etsy shop. So here's a set I finished today, you can buy them HERE. And I have my FREE shipping on orders over $20 going the entire month of November. So shop now lovelies. My last set of Thanksgiving cards are ghetto cheap and I marked down prices on a lot of stuff. I need to get some of this out of my house.
Beyond that... I feel like I have plans for this weekend but I can't remember them. So if I'm supposed to be doing something with you.. remind me. Because I forgot. Whoopsy.

I do have Olivia's conferences tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I'm sure she's fine but part of me thinks I'm going to get lectured on how Olivia shouldn't say stuff like, "Check yourself" or "whatchu talking 'bout Willis". She says it... we all laugh.. but I get how she probably shouldn't say it at school.

On a Jackson note, Uncle Karl taught Jackson how to say "I love beer pong" which is awesome for a 2 year old. It almost beats when Aunt Kate taught Olivia to say "cockroach" in a restaurant.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sunday was a FUN day

So despite the fact that my Sunday began on a shitty note about Lenny, I didn't want to go home. I had driven through a god damn snow storm for this blog meetup so it was going to happen even if it ended up being just me and Krysten. Thankfully... Anna and Amy joined us. And because they blog anonymously I won't link up. Anyways. They were so awesome, cute and nice. The four of us had a super fun time at the Mall of America.

Krysten and I had talked on Saturday how we both want to get red lipstick. We have tons of other shades but we've never gotten a good red. And every self respecting girl needs a red lip once in awhile. We ended up stopping in Sephora and we got this lady who was overly eager about makeup. Which I suppose is good...she's probably on commission. Anyways. She puts a different shade of red on each of us. The experience of having someone else put makeup on you is weird. Amy wanted foundation and the lady wanted to take all of her makeup off. Which hello--- no girl is going to let you do that. Jesus. While she was inching away from sales lady pushing the $60 spray foundation, Krysten and I snuck a picture. Which is APPARENTLY a huge no-no inside the store. Nobody told us why and I think it's a bit ridiculous. So check us out in our illegal, hooker-lipped glory:
We ended up not buying lipstick because Dior lipstick is $30 for a half tube. Which is insane. I'm sure there is more expensive out there, but neither of us have that kind of money laying around for lipstick.

So we moved onto other stores. An alarming trend we noticed was that almost every store had what I'm going to refer as Russian Chic. Like this hat and the matching mittens? All I need is a long coat and those hideous boots behind me and I'm set as a Russian hooker. Well I'll need the $30 lipstick but I feel I can pretty much pull the look off. I don't think I have to tell you that I basically felt like I had a dead animal on my head. Gross feeling.
 Well then we went into Ragstock and found, what I consider, to be the motherload of awesome hats. This my dear lambwhores? Is a hat meant to look like an elephant. Because when you think winter you automatically picture an elephant.
But we pretty much all agreed that it looks like a small but chubby penis and some unfortunately spaced balls.
Anna had to leave us early so she missed my elephant hat shenanigans. :( Sad day. After walking the entire mall a few times we decided to part ways since Krysten had a work meeting and I had to drive back to Superior. So we snapped a quickie picture:
 Amy, Krysten and Me

It was a fun afternoon. We've talked about doing this monthly after the holidays and I think that would be super fun. We'll have to rotate or something because it's a bit of gas for me, but it is still fun. And these girls were super fun to shop with. But I'm convinced our next gathering NEEDS to be a sex toy party because that is hilarious and fun. And awesome. And could you just imagine the pictures? Girls-- it needs to happen. :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Lenny & Weekend Part One

So because some of you aren't on Facebook and have emailed me about Lenny-- he's officially passed away. I am incredibly angry with the Superior Animal Hospital that I can barely put it into words. First off, they never told us last week that once a cat gets urinary blockage that it basically will come back again and again. And the vet tried talking us into spending another $1100 to "maybe" fix it. Among other things I'm too angry to talk about, I almost hit that bitch. Thank god I had Matt with me because I could be in jail as we speak. Anyways. We made the decision yesterday and I think Lenny knew. We brought him in and after being kind of rude and insensitive to us, they get an IV in him for the euthanasia. He kept rubbing up against us and meowing and it was breaking out hearts. Literally seconds before they do it they asked if we've already paid and we told them to add it to the fucking bill. Lenny looked at me, meowed in a very sad way, and then he was gone. It was only seconds but it was awful. They let us hang out with him for a little while and by the time they took him I had cried so much he was soaking wet. They checked him out and Matt is going to bury him under our apple tree this evening. My face is super red and hurts from crying and blowing my nose so much. So now, I have no Lenny AND I'm stuck with a $1200 bill because hey! We have to pay to put him down. And to as soon as I saw his bowl & humping blanket when I got home? Totally lost it. I can't even tell you how heavy my heart is right now. So let's all take a moment and say goodbye to Lenny. (Thanks to a lovely lambwhore that made this for me!)
OK. So I promised I would make an effort with a post so I'm going to write about part of my weekend. The other part (and funny pictures) will come tomorrow.

Saturday I drove down to River Falls to see Krysten and start the blog get-together weekend. Because I am an idiot I decided that I would take a risk and drive in a snowstorm. The fact that it took me an hour to get to Cloquet, which usually takes me 15 minutes, was not a good sign.
 And maybe the fact that it took me 3 hours to get to Hinckley when it's only an hour away was an even worse sign. Seriously. This picture? Is the only  time I could see the road and the car ahead of me. On a highway where it's 70mph max and 40mph min, I was doing 30. At one point we hit 20mph and the most I ever did was 40mph. And even that was iffy. It cannot be said I'm not a good friend, that's for damn sure.
 But once I got there, I got to see Krysten's new house which is amazing and I'm jealous of her fireplace. And that she has a guest bedroom. And her dog, Monte. And her cat, Molly. I can't say much for Metro because he hates women and that he's huge...but Monte and Molly liked me. And I liked the fact her dog humps her cat. I couldn't get a picture but someday I will. It was hilarious.

When I was there I watched Harry Potter movies 3 and 4 (guess what, Krysten?? We have movies 1-5. Who knew?? I didn't and I fucking live here! So I'm watching #5 tonight!) because I can't be her friend if I'm not up to speed on all things Potter. I'm working on it.

We ate junk food, talked about life and watched movies. It was a good night. Sunday we went to the Mall of America.. more on that tomorrow.

But here's a picture of Krysten and I holding Monte. The one with Monte licking my tongue was too blurry which is sad. And do you love how we are color coordinated without planning? I totally do.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Burned Out and Sad.

Hey folks- just a ghetto quickie post tonight for you.

I literally JUST got home from a fabulous weekend with Krysten whom I adore even more now. AND I'm going to steal her doggie, Monte. FYI. But more on that tomorrow.


And I say "hopefully" because tomorrow is going to be really awful for me. You'll remember that last week I talked about Lenny and his urinary blockage? And I talked about on Thursday how we got him home after being in the vet for three days and accumulating a final bill of $1100? Well guess what? Lenny is blocked. Again. Matt called me this morning when I was with Krysten and I just started crying. Matt and I agreed on Thursday that if this were to happen again we'd have to put him down because $1100 is more than we have and frankly? We can't even pay this. And honestly- I thought I'd have more than a few days with him. I assumed a minimum of a few months, lucky if it was a few years. Days? Not so much.

Basically- Matt is bringing him to the vet at 7:30 in the morning tomorrow to have him looked at. He's wimpering kind of and meowing weird, constantly licking himself, etc. Same thing as last week. It doesn't look good and we know this- but I want to have it confirmed before we do anything. If they say what we think they will.... we are going to put him down. I'll drop the kids off at my mom's house and I'll meet Matt at the vet and we'll be with Lenny when he goes.

 Honestly? I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm not sure how schools can prepare vet techs to deal with this type of thing on a normal basis. I've had to put a pet down before, my dog Willie, but I was 15 and even though he was my dog... I wasn't there. I wanted to be but my dad did it when I was at school. (We had Willie cremated and he's in the hutch in my mom's dining room. Morbid... but I still can't part with him.) But this is different because he's my first pet as a grown up. Matt is really upset- I've only seen Matt cry once before so I know that this is just as hard on him. And I'm crying.

So if you don't hear from me tomorrow...you'll know why. But before I sign off for the evening- I want to thank those of you who bought stuff on my Etsy shop to help us out financially, those of you who just sent me money via PayPal, those of you who took the time to leave me a nice comment or email me... thank you. I shared all of them with Matt and we gave Lenny extra love. He thanks you too. But it's hard because I feel like we have failed him even though we've done everything that we could do. Financially.. we can't do anymore. And that really sucks. It sucks that it's come down to money.

But at the end... I know we gave him a happy life. We loved him a lot. We rescued him from a shelter and treated him like a king. I am absolutely heartbroken that tomorrow morning will be the last time I get to hug him and give him kisses. I hope he knows that we love him and this is our way of doing it. I can't listen to him be sad and in pain. It makes me feel ill because I can't do anything for him to make him better. So this evening, I have his favorite green humping blanket and his new food (which was supposed to make his peeing problem all better) under the table where he's currently hiding. We're going to bring him to the vet and pay the $200 (goodbye utility bill) to put him down and hopefully he'll go to Kitty Heaven where he can bite butts and hump blankets pain free.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


Well happy fucking weekend my little lambwhores and goatsluts! :) You'll notice I didn't post some of my awesome for you last night... tis true....

But I was on a date with my husband! Yes! We went to a super romantic dinner to Burger King (seriously) and we went to the movies which was insanely crowded. We saw Due Date, which I've already seen and loved... but he hadn't. It was still just as funny the second time around for me. He liked it. It was so crowded though and I really expected the second Friday it's out to be a little slower but no. Which.. I guess is good for business but dang. It makes it hard to get frisky in a theatre when you have a coughing 250 pound man next to you. Kind of kills the mood, eh?


You won't get a post this evening BECAUSE I'm going to be at Krysten's house. It was supposed to be our blogger meet up but her new job wants her to come in for orientation, the same time as our meet up, so it kind of pushed to the side. But it's ok because we all understand the need for a job so till next time. But I'm still going to go down to her house this evening and she is going to school me in Harry Potter. To my fucking credit before you get all up in my ass about this, I HAVE seen the first two. And possibly the third but I can't remember. I know the first two were in the theatres on Thanksgiving. I remember this distinctly. Anyways. I haven't read the books and I can't because I've already started watching the movies. I'm kind of a crazy in that I can't read the book if I've already seen the movie. It has to be book first THEN movie/show. I don't know why- but it just has to be. But I'm still going to watch the movies. Krysten says I have to otherwise we can't be friends. Sad day. So I'm going to get schooled. We'll eat junk food and talk about boys being stupid. I'm excited.

What I'm NOT excited for is the fucking snow. I hate snow. I hate it with such a passion that every winter I contemplate leaving and never coming back. Matt can be my summer husband. Which is why I think I should take a cue from that show Sister Wives and find boys to marry. I'll marry like 3. Anymore than 3 might be tough. And they can be Brother Husbands and I'll have them spread out in the world. My winter guy OBVIOUSLY has to have a nice home somewhere warm. I'm taking applications....starting...... now.

But it's supposed to be snowing all day and night and like storm warning levels. I swear to you that if I get stuck in a blizzard you'll be happy I can't post. Anything that comes out of my mouth in a situation like that is something nobody should ever have to hear. And Matt can attest to that.

On Sunday Krysten and I are going to IKEA and Mall of America. It's going to be an impromptu gathering of MN/WI bloggers that are awesome. If you are in the area and want to join the group of awesome where we'll likely say dumb things and possibly get kicked out of both places.... let me know. Email me at slinkies_r_us@hotmail.com with your cell number and I will text you with the deets as I get them. That's right- straight from the source bitches.

Then I drive home after a day of shopping. I hope I'm not tired....because a lot drive in snow is HORRIBLE. If you've never done it...don't. It's not something I recommend.

So I'm off to pack. I have no idea what I'm wearing but I'll wing it as usual.

I hope you all have a fun weekend and I will be back with my awesome on MONDAY. :)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Survey says...

I have posted serious stuff this entire week and I'm done. I can't do it. My brain hurts and I need to gear myself up for a SUPER fun girls weekend. That's right- Krysten is hosting a MN/WI blog get together at her house on Saturday and I'm happy. It'll be an awesome way to end a shittastic week. I'm spending the night and we're shopping IKEA on Sunday and yes. Pictures will come....

Oh- Lenny update. He's home! YAY! Our bill is like $1100 but still.. he's home. He's on a special diet for awhile to clean out his system. But he bit my butt as soon as I walked into the door! AND he started humping his blanket again. Which is a great segway to the topic of the evening...

To lighten the mood I decided I am going to take The Empress up on her challenge and participate in the Sex Survey Part Deux. I think some people are going to get squeamish and not play along and that sucks. But I'm game so you know.. here we go. If you don't want to read about this STOP READING NOW. Do NOT read this and then complain to me later about you hate that I write about this. For my sanity and my time, stop reading if sex makes you squeamish.

The Ranter’s Box Sex Survey

1. Of the five primary sexual activities that include vadge sex, oral sex, rubbing one out solo, partnered masturbation and anal sex, which do you rate as your favorite sexual activity? I would say vadge sex. Only because you can do so much with that. I like oral as well..but see #2. Anyways- you can do a lot with vadge. Versatile is always the way to go. Can I just say that partnered masturbation is weird? Because watching someone masturbate does nothing for me. Is it supposed to? Is there something wrong with me? It just seems boring and blah. So that's my least favorite thing.

2. When it comes to giving AND receiving, what do you really think/feel about oral sex? I like to receive.. not so much give. I've talked about this a few times and honestly? It comes down to two things: gag reflex and I'm a picky eater. Which, laugh all you want, is serious. I refuse to swallow and something about spitting during an intimate act kind of seems weird to me. PLUS then you have a mess. It's best to not mess with it at all. And some guys complain that a girl can have a weird taste. (So can you guys... FYI) But honestly? You can change that based on what you eat. Ladies- keep your whistles clean.

3. What is one sexual fantasy that you have yet to enact? I'm one of the few that don't really have erotic fantasies. Mostly because if I want to do something... I work it in. So in lieu of that... we'll talk about things I like- spur of the moment sex, anticipatory sex (where it's arranged ahead of time and you KNOW it's going to happen and your partner is making it obvious they can't wait--- this works best if you are at a function before so you can eye each other up from across the room), semi rough sex (I like moving around, being tossed on a bed, etc). That kind of stuff. If I could get all three at once...well hot damn.

4. Thumbs up or Thumbs Down regarding anal sex? I'm thumbs up. BUT... and this is a huge but (heehee) you have to have a partner willing to communicate. Communication is key anyways, but when you're doing that you need to not only be able to trust the person but be able to communicate with them. Yes, it hurts at first. But so did vag the first time, peeps. Read up on it with your partner and be prepared. And, for the sake of all humanity, please make sure you prepare yourself, ladies. You know what I mean. Nobody wants to deal with that.

5. What is your favorite sex position? I'm an on top kind of girl for a big finish. I mostly like to try new things and switch positions. *Confession* I have a tipped uterus which is no big deal, it's actually pretty damn common. Anyways- it's at an angle which makes it really hard to have an orgasm on my back. So I've never had an orgasm on my back. It feels really great.. it just doesn't happen for me. Which is why I like to move around. I've had friends who would NEVER orgasm and my advice has always been- get on top- it might work for you. And I realize that some girls are self conscious about their body and being on top makes it worse.. but honestly? If the guy was unattracted to you... you wouldn't be having sex with him in the first place. And fake it. Seriously just fake the confidence- you'll enjoy yourself much more.

6. Yay or Nay when it comes to sex toys? If so, what kind? I'm a big YAY. Variety is the spice of life, right? And I'm open to most stuff. The only thing I won't do are things like clamps- pain doesn't do it for me. Strap ons? No. No. No. I'm not a guy and if you want that then you shouldn't be messing with a vagina. It's called denial and it's ok. We have a bunch of toys in our hidden spot and they are fun. And then once in awhile Matt and I go on a little shopping spree. It's always fun to get new stuff. But I get how some people are intimidated by toys. It definitely doesn't have to be that way. They are fun and silly.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? My bed. I have access to all of our stuff and it's comfortable and familiar. One thing I thought I'd like but didn't was water sex. Yeah... dries you right out and then you're dealing with chafing. Which is never a good thing. Foreplay is fine.. but the real deal should be done elsewhere.

8. Yes or No when it comes to condoms? They don't bother me. BUT I'm going to sound like a responsible adult here- you should ALWAYS use condoms as not only back up birth control but STD protection. Sure, it won't save you from herpes all the time but still. It's better than nothing. People today who aren't using condoms are immature and stupid. You shouldn't be having sex if you can't be responsible about it. And if the guy says he can't enjoy himself then tell him to jack off. And I don't know why girls are so against condoms- LESS CLEANUP. There is nothing grosser than having stuff drip out the next day. Gross. Gross. Gross.
9. If you had to choose between kissing, oral sex and intercourse AND could only pick two, which two would you opt for? Oh damn. This is hard. But I'm going to go with kissing and intercourse. It's basic..... but yet you can do so much. Because it isn't limited on where you can kiss... so not just lips. My neck and behind my ears are extremely sensitive so I'd have to have that included for sure.

10. Which famous person would you most like to have sex with? Well anybody following this blog for any length of time knows that most certainly would be Robert Pattinson. I love him. I do. I don't even know him but I believe we would make a great couple. I'm a million times cooler than Kristen Stewart. And I have a personality! But I always have plans b-z lined up, so here are some others that would do should Robert be busy:

1. Steven McKellar (singer of Civil Twilight... kind of looks like Robert)
2. Johnny Depp
3. Robert Downey, Jr.
4. Channing Tatum
5. Ben Gibbard
6. Any member of Kings of Leon. *swoon*
7. Adam Levine. (But only AFTER Krysten has had her way with him. He's worth sloppy seconds.)
8. Eminem.. mmmmm
9. Alexander Skarsgard
10. Stephen Moyer

And for non-famous people.... yeah I'll not share that. ;)

So I think you ALL should do this survey!! I know most of your are squeamish and are probably beet red faced just reading this. But it's ok. Sex isn't taboo and it shouldn't be. It's fun, you're supposed to enjoy it. But if you aren't going to man up and play along.... at least tell me which famous person you're crushing on. If you do play along- give The Empress your link to your blog so others can see how awesome you are.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Everything I Never Wanted To Be

Everything I Never Wanted to Be: a memoir of alcoholism and addiction, faith and family, hope and humor
To be up front, this is a book review. If you didn't read my post from yesterday, you won't understand why this book is a big deal.

Everything I Never Wanted To Be- Dina Kucera
"..true story of a family's battle with alcoholism and drug addiction. Dina Kucera's household also includes her husband and his unemployed identical twin, a mother who has Parkinson's Disease, and a grandson who has cerebral palsy. On top of all that, Dina is trying to make it as a stand-up comic and author so she can quit her job as a grocery store clerk."

She has three daughters. Her oldest two battle alcoholism and a drug addiction. The youngest, Carly, started using heroin at 14. This is their struggle.

The letter written by her daughter in the beginnings pages made me ill. As I read the book I identified characteristics that were true to me. True to my family. And it scared the absolute hell out of me.

Dina writes about her own struggle with alcohol and pill addiction but she writes with a self deprecating humor that makes you not feel sorry for her, but you can relate. You understand. It makes sense. She writes about watching all three of her children struggle with addiction and you see that it isn't something someone can just give it up. You see the devastation of addiction first hand. It's a startling and unbelievable reality SO MANY families are struggling with. It also makes you feel more sympathetic to the families dealing with it because she talks about the inadequacies of the health care system in this country. You can't get into rehab but by god you can detox at home! It's spoken as if it's a cute little kit you can buy at Walmart. But the reality of it is that it ruins lives. And you can't always prevent it. You think you can...but it sneaks up. And denial is hard to look beyond.

Some of the things you read about in this book are sad and scary. For me, I tried to imagine if it were my child. How would I feel? What would I do? And in the end, I felt helpless because I realized how little I know about it. And you can look at your local schools and see drug use rampant in there. I know, from even ten years ago, I saw things that I'm sure my parents never imagined I would. And we won't even talk about college.

What I thought really made the book was her humor. I've always been the person to say if you don't laugh about it you're going to cry. And crying will ruin your makeup. I could relate to these people because growing up, we really had no money. Things were tight and my mom and step dad worked really hard to get us the basics. So when she touches on that with humor, it reminds me of when I was growing up:

"I needed to get my hair done, but I didn't have any money. My husband suggested that I go to the place where he gets his hair cut for $12. He said "How can you go wrong for $12?" Well, a woman can go VERY wrong for $12. A $12 haircut could ruin your life and change your gender..."

And some of you have commented or sent me private messages about how you only drink to have a good time but you're not an alcoholic. And I really hope you aren't and that you never go that route.

"People have asked me what the difference is between just 'having a good time' and actually being an alcoholic. Most people at happy hour are having a good time. But some of those people go home and pee on their floor. That's an indication there may be a problem."

Ultimately- the book is about hope. And faith. And that things can get better. That family is everything. Of survival. Or love. Of being strong enough to know when you're in over your head and you need help.

I recommend this book to everyone. If you have children, you need this book. If you know someone who is battling addiction, you need this book. If you've ever wondered if you are addicted, you need this book. If you have ever criticized someone who may or may not be battling addiction, you need this book. If you never read another book again, please make this one your last. I promise you that you will look at yourself, your life, your family, your friends and strangers around you in a different light.

I read somewhere that someone was quoted as saying that this book can change lives. And it can. It made me take a look at my own life and it made me address what I had going on. I get it. I understand it. And for the specific few of you (you know who you are) that reached out to send me a private message in regards to last night's blog post... you need to get this book. Maybe it's not for you but you owe it to the people around you.

The good news... because you all need the book... is that you can get a 30% discount if you go HERE and enter the code "Dina" in at checkout.

I wish you all the best. I hope that those of you who are struggling reach the point where you choose to accept help. I hope that those of you who know someone who needs help don't give up on that person. I hope you are sympathetic to those who struggle with addiction- the person they once were may be diminished or gone... but they deserve better. We need to advocate for them because they aren't capable of doing it themselves.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I could be a statistic.

Before I get into a heavy post that is a preview of tomorrow's post- I have a Lenny update. First and foremost- THANK YOU to everyone who has sent us well wishes here, on Facebook, in my email and through texts. Thank you to all of you who shared our plight on your own blogs or on your Facebook pages. Thank you to the people who bought stuff out of my Etsy shop to support his vet bills and/or to not make Christmas suck for my kids. I have been blown away but all of you, it was a humbling experience to say the least. I am continually amazed at the relationships I have made with each of you and I wish I could personally hug you all because it meant a lot. The update is basically it may be diet related. He needs to be in the hospital until Thursday but his catheter comes out tomorrow. He hasn't eaten anything and only has taken in a little water- but he's peeing through the catheter ok. They are doing more blood work tomorrow but as of right now, it looks like it may be the shitty food Matt bought him. BUT it could become something that comes back because APPARENTLY, once male cats gets this they are more prone to it coming back. But we might know more tomorrow after blood work to make sure he doesn't have a fucked up kidney or something. So stay tuned.

OK. So this is a heavy topic for me. It's one that I only recently talked to my own mother about because a book I read basically scared the shit out of me. It brought up a lot of things I wasn't ready to deal with. But at the age of 28-- I need to. Because I could be a statistic.

I? Am an addict. I am not currently addicted to anything...but I could be. I could fall of a sober wagon any day. My biological father is an alcoholic and is addicted to pain medication. I have an uncle on my mother's side who was a drug addict and died alone as a drug addict. I am genetically predisposed to it. And while normally that doesn't mean anything to people, it means something to me.

I have mentioned before on my blog that I don't drink. I don't frown upon those that do and I'm capable of being around people who are drinking. I know I can't drink. I have only gotten drunk a handful of times in my life, mostly as a teenager who was at a sleepover. The only one I can really remember in detail is the one that convinced me I had a problem. I was a teenager and I was as a sleepover. My friend and I snuck out to a party with older kids. We were thrilled to be invited and thought we were so cool. I drank. And drank. I don't remember the particulars but I remember carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels with me and I called him my boyfriend. I remember waking up, in a house that I didn't know, without my friend, wearing a shirt that wasn't mine. I was terrified and ended up walking back. It was during my walk that I realized two things- first, I couldn't control spinning out of control. I wouldn't even see it coming. And second, I knew I couldn't drink ever again.

It's not that I even like liquor. I don't, actually. It's the feeling I get as soon as I take a sip. I can feel it course through my veins, my entire mentality changes and I can feel like a complete transformation is happening. And I can't get myself to stop. I have to drink until I pass out. Because I'm older I can look back and see how dangerous it was- quite frankly, I could have died. And I never told my parents. I never told most of my closest friends because I was scared. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that I could turn into my father.

Fast forward to today. I suffer from chronic migraines. I don't take daily medication to prevent them because not only can I not afford it, but because they are addictive. And they can cause schizophrenia. Awesome. But what I do have is a pill called Maxalt, that relieves the migraine pain. I can finally afford them with our new insurance so when I picked up my last prescription I have over 50 of them. In my house. I can take them anytime.

And I want to.

I have to talk myself out of taking them every.single.day. It's a battle. They are in a drawer near my bed and I know they are in there. I know exactly how many I have left. I know the feeling I get within minutes of taking it. It basically feels like I'm heavy. So heavy, every limb in my body weighs 50 pounds. I'm heavy but I'm light as a feather and feel like I'm floating. The pain goes away so fast and I feel like I'm floating. It makes me drowsy so within an hour of taking it, I'm fast asleep. I can't function when I take one.... yet I want that floating feeling. I can feel the drug dissolve in my stomach and flow through my veins. Logically- I know I have to watch it because I could so easily become a statistic.

And it scares the shit out of me.

I never wanted to be that person. I thank God every day that I recognize that this could very well happen to me. I think about the people who become addicted to something. I think about the lives it ruins and the despair of slowly dying. I think about the feeling of control you think you have but you don't. It's like having voices on my shoulder. One is telling me it's ok to take them- take as many as you want- you'll be fine, you'll know when to stop. And the other is telling me that I can't do that, I couldn't stop, I wouldn't see myself spin out of control.

And I'm grateful.

I'm grateful to have a family that I can talk to when I need it. I'm grateful to have enough education to know I am not in charge of an addiction. I am grateful to know that I've made the right choices and that I recognized the potential for something worse. I'm grateful that I'm able to look past myself and see my kids. I see them and I realize that I have to do better for them. I have to show them that you can break a cycle. That it doesn't have to be the way nature wants it to be. That you can live above the excuses that are automatically in place.

But god damn, it's hard. I've talked to Matt about it and he's supportive. He doesn't drink anymore. I don't mind if he does, really- I don't. Every once in awhile I might get a margarita. Or a fruity mixed drink. But I'm with people who know my story- they know to watch me, to talk me out of ordering a second.

It's also lonely. I don't get invited to a lot of stuff because it's mostly held at bars and because I don't drink... people assume I wouldn't want to go. It sucks, but it's the way it is and I knew that when I made my decision. I would rather be lonely than a drunk.

And honestly? Acknowledging this stuff? Makes me feel better. It makes me feel accountable. It's like it's real and it's no longer an elephant in the room. Do family and friends need to worry? No. I know what could happen and I'm actively fighting against that. I don't need to be in a dark place to recognize I don't want to be there. I see my father, I hear the stories and it scares the hell out of me. I'm sad for him because he doesn't recognize he has a problem. He's lost his family, his kids, and his whole life... yet it isn't enough. At least now I know it'll never be enough and it really never had anything to do with me. It never had anything to do with my mom. With anybody but himself. And once I came to that conclusion I've been at peace with the abandonment. Sure- things could have been different... but they weren't. These are the cards I'm dealt- and I need to play them.