Thursday, September 30, 2010

Bad Car Contest....Begins......NOW!!!

Oh my little I have some fantastic treats for you. So I mentioned before that I am going to have this contest and I have eight entries for you to choose from. Keep in mind you can cast only ONE vote. Spread the word on the street...because the person with the best car gets a prize homies. It'll be a little box of awesome from me.

I betcha wished you weren't lazy as fuck now, huh?

Yeah well- that's how the pickles fall. Let's get this started! (The title of the vehicle as I've dubbed it is bolded and anything that is in italics are special notes from the sender)

WaterVan- I took this picture with my cell phone Monday during my lunch hour and I think it's hilarious that it's parked in front of the Blue Water Grill.  Must be if you drive a boat, or car or whatever it is, you have to go to places with beach themes.  The dude that got out was an old grandpa dressed in all "skipper" gear with the white beard and everything.  Freak
 Dubbed Astro - because everybody needs dubs on an Astro Van.
 LobsterMobster: Y'know, I may say this is a pretty sad car (one of the claw pieces is missing from a gigantic ten-foot lobster, for crying out loud), but I still adore it. Sketchy pedophile van and all.

Motobear (Seriously- I think that's a bear on a motorcycle. This reader was paying attention to stuff I don't like.) 
 Mystery Machine: What? You didn't know that Troy, AL had a Mystery Machine? And they shop at Walmart? (Side note- what I'm loving is the dented passenger door and how they gave up on the front hubcap)
Pink Wagon: You can't see it- but it has a Tinkerbell decal on the back window. ClaSSy.

Extremo The Clown: Portland has some creepy guy in a mini van with long horns on the hood and it's always got some sort of Mexican music on, the driver wears all black sits really far back in his seat and has a triumph the wonder dog hand puppet singing along with the music driving the car. Its classic! (Seriously- this person told me to Google "Extremo the Clown" and don't do it if you don't want to be properly freaked the fuck out.)

OK- so it's time for you to vote. Leave a comment on this post with who you want to win. You will have until MONDAY, 7pm (Central Standard time) to do this (spread the word) and the winner will be announced in my blog post for that night.

Good bless America AND our crazies.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I'd like to do acid.

Before I start my post- here is the latest Etsy shop creation.
You can buy it HERE.

Unless you live under a rock, which admittedly I do most of the time, you have probably heard of Bethany Storro. Maybe better known as the girl who threw drain cleaner on her face. For fun or something.

Now, I'm no medical expert or doctor...but I'm going to just go ahead and diagnose this chick as certifiably crazy. In my humble opinion, of course.

I see today she plead not guilty to charges of theft because people gave her a fundraiser which raised about $28,000. She apparently only spent around $1,500. Now, let's just use bullets to outline all of the things that make this story hilarious.
  • First off, she was a pretty girl. And she was previously married. I don't know if she's getting a divorced, already divorced, whatever- but dang. Good luck trying to snag husband #2 dumbass. No guy is going to want to marry you, let alone kiss you if it appears that your lips and general face is peeling off.
  • Why does EVERYONE who does this kind of stuff automatically blame black people? She said that a black woman, outside of Starbucks, says to her, "Hey pretty girl, do you want to drink this". OK- first off, how many people ever shared a drink with you on the street? No. Most people coming up to you are asking YOU to share with THEM. And most homeless people or general weirdos don't want a sip- they want you to buy them an entire case of beer. Why didn't she say it was an old lady with warts and a black hood like in Snow White?? THAT is obviously going to make more headlines. Get original, people.
  • When she had the fundraiser and got the money, she didn't use it for hospital bills. Nah. She bought a train ticket for her sister (what? You couldn't spring for an airline ticket??? Cheap whore.), went on a shopping spree at Target (seriously? That's the BEST store you could splurge at? Shit...I love me some Target but I'd be hitting up Coach. Or La Perla...) and then took mommy and daddy out to dinner. Let me guess- you went to Sizzler! Hey big spender...
So I don't get it. Why do people do these things? Obviously they want the attention and people to fall all over themselves to help you. But you can do that other have a baby. It worked for the whores on Teen Mom- why not you? Or you could become a polygamist and get your own show on TLC. Whatever. You get what I mean. Destroying your face with acid isn't the best way to get famous. Because now you'll always be pegged as "that girl". It's not like surgery is going to fix that. Shit, how would that even get paid for?

Let's all do some golf claps and leg pumps for this idiot.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

RIP Fat Ass.

Some of my longterm lambwhores are aware of my weight loss plan, mostly because of my 30/30 list. The last update I gave you was way back in July and so it seems fitting that I give you another one. Mostly because I had exactly two people ask me if I've embraced the fat and given up on my fuckmill.

And no, I haven't.

But I will admit to be er....lazy about it. Stuff happens, mostly life, and I got busy so I haven't been as diligent about it as I was January. This dress? I bought last January and it FINALLY fits me. :) 

But here I am. I will admit to being 20 pounds down, but I've gained some back and that? Makes me mad. Because I know I can do better. But I am now officially 166. My beginning weight last August? 183.6. (The pants in that picture if you click on the 183.6 link? Sag and fall off of me now) Considering I've barely changed my diet and I've been doing a 30 minute walk every few days, I'm happy with that. I am going to get more committed. Because even though that's all I have done?

 I am down another pant size. I started out as a size 16 and now my 14's are way too big. They look ridiculous. So I am OFFICIALLY a size 12. And let me tell you- the moment I tried on a pair of 12's and they fit? I was so happy I almost started crying. I haven't been a 12 since before I had babies. Dead serious. I was a 10 in high school and this is the only time where I've felt like I might get there again.

Other fun stuff I've noticed:
  • When I sit down? The roll that used to be on my tummy on the sides? Gone.
  • I no longer have a roll when I stand up on my tummy.
  • When I stand with my legs together? My thighs only touch at the very top.
  • I have nice muscle in my calves- but not gross muscle.
  • My boobs are perkier.
  • My face has thinned down- no more double chin threatening to pop out.
  • I'm getting more hour-glass shaped.
  • My bubble butt is still intact. (This? Is good.)
  • I can wear a size large shirt as opposed to XL minimum.
So while I've gained a little bit back, I'm ok because I feel good AND I need new pants. So if you'd like to donate to that cause let me know. :) 

Monday, September 27, 2010

Sara's News Tonight

Before I start- here are some housekeeping reminders:
1. Giveaway- enter or be a loser. Deadline- Friday
2. Bad Car Contest- enter or be a disappointing failure. There WILL be a prize for the winner. You only have until the end of this week to enter. Next Monday I'll post all of the pictures and you, my faithful lambwhores, will get to pick the winner.

Ok. So you know I love me some news..let's get started.

1. Segway Owner Dies. Well let me just state for the record that I want a Segway. I feel that with this, complete with streamers, basket and of course-a helmet to match my purse, I would be completely bad ass. These seem like pretty much any idiot can ride one, but according to this article I'm very wrong on this. The owner of the company that makes these Segway's drove off a cliff on his scooter thingie and died. Wait- I'm sorry-- but why...would you not JUMP THE FUCK OFF???? Are you attached? You don't look attached. I mean, why would you stay on it? Is the insurance that outrageous that you have to try to save the Segway? I don't get it. I read another article about there being a lot of accidents on these things because people are running into benches, trees, parked cars, etc. Seriously? These people shouldn't have a license. If they can't weave a scooter around these I'd hate to see them in an actual car. Jesus.

2. Lindsay Lohan. I can't even link to that because really- just pick any link you find. Can someone explain to me how a person can be this dumb? Really Lindsay? You JUST got out of jail for drugs and then you use them within days? I get that addiction is a serious problem but then why would you go back to your friends, FAMILY, and the clubs when you know you are an addict? Goodbye career. Hope you enjoyed it.

3. Teenagers Pretending to be Vampires. Seriously, folks. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a possibly-not-normal infatuation with Robert Pattinson. I would love him long time. I would take a hand job. Anything. But to be fair, I've loved him long before Twilight. And I love, love, love the boys on True Blood. Yes please. AND I've always been in love with vampires and anything related to vampires. But under no circumstances (unless it was a real vampire in love with me and he looked as hot as any of the vampire show guys) would I let someone bite me and lick my blood. And in no way (even if they were previously mentioned hotness) would I bite someone and lick their blood. Disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with people???

4. Goat Sex. Look, everybody is into different things. But if you were on Twitter the other day and you clicked on a link about having sex with a goat...then two things have happened. 1. You have brought immense shame onto yourself for even doing that and 2. You had lots of message issues on Twitter. And honestly? Gross. If I learned that one of you were having sex with I'd have to not be your friend. But this is fun because I call you all lambwhores and/or goatsluts. So perhaps I've found my niche! :)

OK- that's it for tonight for me. I have LOTS of fun stuff happening in my Etsy shop so I have orders to ship, stuff to make, AND I have to keep reading my new book. But to leave you this evening I am thinking about doing another Q&A session with my readers. Now, you know that almost nothing embarrasses me, so give me the best you have. Leave the question here or email me at :)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Up From The Blue

If you don't ever read another book, let this book be the last. Seriously. I finished reading this book at exactly 1:12 a.m. this morning and I literally can't stop reading it.

This is a book I got through TLC Book Reviews to read and while I was ever so impatiently waiting for it to arrive, I kept hearing such amazing things about this book. I saw video trailers for it, I listened to an online chat about it and the whole time I kept practically attacking my mail lady and demanded that she double check to see if my book came. Anyways.

Tillie Harris's life is in disarray--her husband is away on business, the boxes in her new home aren't unpacked, and the telephone isn't even connected yet. Though she's not due for another month, sudden labor pains force Tillie to reach out to her estranged father for help, a choice that means facing the painful memories she's been running from since she was a little girl. An extraordinary debut from a talented new voice, Up From The Blue untangles the year in Tillie's life that changed everything; 1975, the year her mother disappeared.

Honestly? That give this book no justice. If you are a parent, a child with a parent suffering from depression, or a parent going through depression yourself, this is a MUST READ. I was immediately gripped during the beginning chapters where Tillie begins labor. Because I've been there, I could instantly connect with her, but anyone who hasn't given birth would feel the frantic feelings described in the beginning.

And then it takes you back to Tillie's childhood. You get to see the inner workings of a troubled military family. Phil, the older son who does no wrong because he wants to be the best soldier he can be. Colonel Harris- a high ranking military official who runs a strict household. Mara, the mother, who is so obviously depressed and on the brink of implosion, incapable of mothering the two children and the subject of whispers amongst the perfect military wives/mothers. And then Tillie- an unruly yet lovable, eight year old girl. Tillie adores her mother, she can see the good in her unlike everyone else and defends her mom. She senses she's likely a disappointment to her father and her brother can't be bothered with her. Yet she feels like her mother is hers alone and you can really relate to her feelings for her mom. Because as children- we've all been there. No matter what a mothers (or fathers) faults are it doesn't matter because you are in love with them. They are perfect to you if to nobody else.

The greatness of this story as that even though it's a novel you feel like it's real. You are hoping that the mother can just pull herself together and be the mom she wanted to be. You are hoping that the father could just see that there is something medically wrong with her and that it isn't her fault, she truly isn't capable of pulling it together on her own. And then you feel this immense sadness for the children who don't understand and you just want to assure them that no matter what- their parents love them.

Now, you know I always try to read a story and bring some of my own life experience to it and this one was no different. For years, since Olivia was born, I have struggled with depression. I have felt so awful that I thought I'd be better off dying, and I thought everyone else would be better without me. I've been so happy that I look at those times and wonder what the hell was I thinking. But most days? I'm not in the middle. I'm sad a lot and sometimes when driving alone I wonder what it would be like to just keep driving and never come back. To just start up new somewhere..anywhere..because I can't bear the feeling that I am a terrible mother, a terrible wife, a terrible friend, a terrible daughter, etc. I may not be any of these things but a lot of days I feel this way. And while I can take all the medication I want I know that's the only thing keeping me from dangling too far down. So I could sympathize with Mara through the whole book. She wants to be everything to everyone, she wants to be a good wife and mother but she just isn't able. But she loves her children anyways. And every attempt she makes to do better it was always for them. So no lie, I cried when reading this and found myself nodding and saying, "Yes-- that's really how it is!" There is a part in the book where Mara tells Tillie, "I'm trying. I'm trying for you, ok?" and that? Just made me so sad because I remember saying this to Olivia when she was just a week old. I was alone at home with her, and she never stopped crying. I would rock, crying myself, and tell her I was trying, just for her.

I highly recommend this book. The end for Mara? Made me so sad and I felt awful for everyone. But the end of the book for Tillie? Gave me hope. Because she was a mom and it made me think that maybe, even though it was all awful, it really had a happy ending.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

CSN Stores Giveaway!

Happy Saturday my little lambwhores!

I have super exciting news for you! So you may or may not remember me winning a CSN stores gift certificate a few weeks ago. I actually can't remember if I bragged and rubbed it in your face or not, but in case I didn't do that..... nah nah nah nah- I'm a WINNER!

OK- so because I'm such a giver and ridiculously awesome, I have a giveaway going for YOU. That's right- you are going to get the chance to win a $45 gift certificate that can be used at ANY of the CSN stores. It doesn't cover shipping, but who cares- it's free shopping money. :)

Now, in my search on their site to figure out how I'm going to spend mine, I have quite a massive list because they have so much stuff that I'm having to narrow it down by "want" and "need". Which is ridiculously hard. But what I'm loving right now???? The Bistro Sets.  I entertain a lot at our house and I am forever running out of chairs and tables. And some of these tables would actually double as a sofa table...but I could be like BAM! Chairs! Clever, huh?

So you really want to copy my idea don't you? Well your first step is trying to WIN this gift certificate!

ENTRIES: (comment on this post that you have done the following)

1. Follow this blog
2. Tell me what you would get

BONUS ENTRIES (these are extras, so leave a comment for each one that you do-provide link)
1. Tweet this giveaway
2. Post it on your Facebook
3. Blog about this giveaway

OK- the winner will be chosen using a random number thingie on FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1. Get your act together and win this baby!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Domestic Bitch Friday!

It's fall yall...which sucks because even though I like the changing leaves....I don't do well with cold. Seriously. I miss the 100 degree weather. Anyways. Let's get on with the DBF post for this week:

RECIPE: Cranberry Pork Chops

You'll need about 6 boneless pork chops. Now, I dredged mine in a flour, salt and pepper mixture- but next time I'm skipping the flour. Only because I realized I hate flour as a coating. But if you like it- use it. Fry the pork chops on both sides until browned.

Then in a bowl, mix 1/2 can of jellied cranberry sauce with about a 1/2 cup of water, so it becomes more liquidy. Pour that over the pork chops in a casserole dish. Bake at 350 until everything is warmed. The sauce becomes kind of like a glaze. It is DELICIOUS and even Jackson had two whole pork chops on his own. Definitely something we're making again.

PROJECT: Etsy Stuff
Seriously- the amount of work I've put into projects this week is insane. Seriously...insane. But I have a lot of stuff almost ready to go so that's really nice. But I did get a bunch of gift tags done and here's an example:

Seriously- they are 2x2 and come with little envelopes and I love them. I made myself a set, but I'm going to be loading up my Etsy shop with a ton of stuff in the next few days. So the reindeer cards are up in the shop now, as well as a few others. Buy now so my kids can have some Christmas gifts. :)

This week- freebies kind of suck. Sorry. :(

Thursday, September 23, 2010

King's Without Burgers

One of my biggest gripes is when businesses fail to provide the service that they've literally promised. There are always going to be things that happen but it still irritates me and just ruins the whole day.

On Tuesday I didn't have to work so I had the entire day to pretty much do whatever. I had to bring Olivia to school and while she was doing that, Jackson and I were going to hang out at my friend Kelli's house. Matt calls me at 10a.m. to ask me to bring him lunch. Which is fine, he doesn't actually work very far from our house and he tells me he wants Subway. I tell him Subway isn't happening because I'm not hauling two cranky kids in and out of Subway for one sandwich, so he needs to pick something with a drive through.

After a quick deliberation, he decides he wants Burger King- a whopper with cheese AND bacon, onion rings, Dr. Pepper. No problem-o. So I pack the kids up and decide that because we'll be cutting it close, they are going to get kids meals from there and all will be perfect. I drive across town to Burger King and when I get there- I'm informed they have no beef or onion rings.

I'm sorry- what the fuck do you mean, as BURGER have no burgers? How does that even happen?

They don't know and now I'm onto plan B. I decide plan B is McDonald's so off I go. Only to get there to discover that hey- electricity shortage in half of Superior means McDonald's? Is only accepting cash.Which I don't have.

So I leave there, drive to the other end of town to my bank to get cash, drive back. Only to find....that the drive through line is now all the way to the road. No bueno. So I decide to get clever and go to Culver's. On the OTHER end of town. I get there only to find....they aren't open. Even though it's now 11:15 and the sign says they open at 10. I see people, but everything is locked and nobody answers drive through.

So I drive across the highway to the other McDonald's. And SUCCESS I can not only order, but now I can pay! Only to get pulled to the side for fries. *sigh*

After 12 minutes of waiting (when my fast food experience tells me fries take 2 1/2 minutes in the deep fryer..) I get our food. Ridiculously cold. I don't even care because it is now 11:25, I still have to get to Matt's work, get home and get the kids lunch so Olivia can be at school at 12:15. I drive like a bat out of hell to Matt's work and proceed to wait another 10 minutes for him to come out. We leave him quickly when dun dun dun...

..we're stopped by a train.

Of course we are.

We wait.

And wait.

And FINALLY... we are the road. We get to our house at approximately 11:57 and I'm literally throwing food at the kids to eat. Then Olivia spills ketchup all over her tights and it's so bad that I know I can't send her to school like that. Jackson chokes on milk, I spilled my water, Stumpy (the cat) is eating my fries that I left for two seconds, and everyone is crying.

After lunch I get Olivia changed, pre treat the ketchup stain, hustle us all out the door and back into the van. I seriously pull up to school at 12:18 and thank god I'm not the last parent.

But seriously. I have never had a more stressful morning. It's all just very frustrating. But Matt got his lunch, Olivia got to school, and I got to hang with Kelli and her kids.

Anyways. I need to remind you- I have my little contest about BAD CARS. Go there for what I'm talking about. Email me with your pictures by the end of the month and we'll put the pictures up for vote! I have three official entries right now.

And I have put more into my Etsy shop. I have more coming very soon- but for this evening- these are up.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Tale of the Mysterious Door

Folks, I don't know HOW many times I've come on here to talk about something in my house. Seriously. A brief recap (but not all inclusive)

1. The Back Porch
2. The Inside of the Back Porch
3. The Kitchen
4. The Laundry Room
5. The Garage

And that doesn't cover all of the other other rooms each with their own really fun "fixer upper" issues that I didn't sign up for.


For....about two years now we've had a really nice wood door on the front of the house. We were able to get a great deal since it was a display door that wasn't needed so we got it for next to nothing. But it didn't come with a storm door...or for you non-homeowners not knowledgeable of home improvement lingo, is a screen door. Now...I hate screen doors. They scream trailer trash to me, and I just don't like them. And because I have delusions of grandeur...I have visions of the front of my house looking really nice one day. And part of that process would be to have a glass storm door.

Except the fun part that again, my tastes prove to be expensive. And so Matt and I, over the span of two years, have priced these things out, debated, waffled, priced out again, debated again, waffled again, etc. Almost monthly. For two years. So it's never been a topic that has left our conversation roll.

So about a week ago I'm in the garage, which is WORSE than my previous entry, and I see.. a glass door. It's dirty, needs a new handle that's less ghetto..but I see it. It's like I almost heard angels but it was actually the neighbor's dog who might find itself in an unfortunate accident if it doesn't shut up. So I ask Matt on Saturday, "Does that door fit?"

M: "I don't know, I have to measure it."
S: "How long has that been in there??"
M: "Years."
S: *insert WTF face here* "So...what's stopping you from measuring it?"
M: *grumbles* goes outside to measure.

20 minutes later I notice he's playing video games again. I obviously ask if the door was on. He tells me no, it doesn't fit by like a 1/2 inch. And it's because.....

....when he sided the house he framed the door in white steel. It looks really nice. It does. He worked hard on that. But it begs the question:


Why? Why would you do this? Is he TRYING to make me insane by 30? Because I have to say- he's doing well. So I said (admittedly, in not so nice words) that he better get his ass out there to take the steel off and put the damn door on there because it'll get broken in the garage. And I don't want to spend $200 on a door if I don't have to. And stop being so god damn lazy about everything!!!


The door is on and it looks great. Matt even admitted it was nice to get it out of the garage because hey- he has more room now! WONDERS!

Monday morning comes and as we're leaving the house Jackson promptly runs right into it and smacks his head hard. He turns at me, totally confused and says, "You be tricking me!" I had to go through a clear door orientation for the kids.

The new issue? The steps aren't big enough. You almost knock yourself over opening the door. Which is the argument I will use as soon as the frost thaws in the spring to get my new front steps on.

See? You see how I turned one accomplished thing into a new project?

Genius at work, folks.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Sara vs. Toddlers

It's almost like Toddlers Gone Wild but maybe not as obscene.

When Olivia was two I enrolled her in this Toddler Class to help her interact with kids since she wasn't going to daycare. AND because when I'd bring her around kids she'd climb on me and refuse to play. Which was completely understandable because the kids at the park have bright green boogers and it's just a good rule of thumb not to play with anyone who has anything green oozing out of them.

It's a life lesson, yo.

But it really worked for her so I knew that when Jackson was two he was going. The probably with Jackson is that he thinks he's ten when he's really only 2 1/2. So he doesn't really understand why rules apply to him because he's perfectly capable of doing everything on his own, including jumping off of the top of the slide. Because you know- he's a big boy.

Which is GREAT. Except that when he plays with kids his own age he really doesn't know what to do. He automatically goes for the Barbies because Olivia makes him play Barbies a lot. Or she makes him get married to her. Or this morning she made him take her on a date to the bathroom. So the poor boy has literally no boys to play with his own age.

So I signed him up for two classes, one on Thursday and one on a Friday. Thursday was...weird. First off- he's not the youngest, he's one of the oldest. So these kids aren't verbal like him and have some difficulty with some of the toys and crafts. Which is fine because Jackson went right for the fire house toy (boy stuff!). He really wanted no part in the reading circle but he was super excited to put his name on the tree thing. In fact, he didn't understand why he couldn't just keep the damn apple and no joke- looked at me like I was an idiot. *Some* of the parents in the class are way different from me. And by "way different" I mean, they are super excited to play blocks, trucks, etc. And me....not so much. Don't get me wrong- I play with my kids but seriously, I can't get into it. It just gets old and it's boring for me. It's never been my thing.

But Jackson seemed to have a good time AND he let me give him a hug in front of everyone. *BIG DEAL*

I have no pictures of Friday because I was all stupid and forgot my camera. But Friday was GREAT. Jackson is actually the youngest in the class AND my friend Kelli was there with her daughter Sophia. And that's awesome because it gives Kelli and I time to hang out.

The other cool part of the class is that parents separate and we get to talk about parenting issues. And I have a GREAT question for both sessions---- what should I say to Olivia when she asks how she got in my tummy (basically where do babies come from). Now, if you are new to these parts- you absolutely MUST READ THIS POST because I think that event is what is bringing this on. Except this time she asked me while I was driving and so it is a very good thing I didn't take out the old guy on his little old person motor scooter on the sidewalk.

How would YOU answer that??

Monday, September 20, 2010

New Stuff, Piercing

So I got a ton of stuff done this weekend to put into my Etsy shop, so for the next few posts you are going to see me pimping it out. Last night my set went almost immediately, which is awesome, so one of you needs to buy this:

Aren't these cute???? My local scrapbook store is closing (big sad face here) and so I've been going there every few days to grab up what I can on clearance. So I came across this pear stamp which was cute...but then I saw the pear paper. HAD TO GET IT. And I realize...I may never use this stamp again. But that's better than having virgin stamps. Which I totally have and WILL eventually use. So do you love them? Like really love them? Then go and buy them. You know you want to..

Anyways. For the last two weeks, Olivia has been asking to get her ears pierced. I've asked her before and she's always said absolutely not because I'm honest and I told her it would probably hurt. Apparently- she didn't care because there is another girl in preschool who has her ears pierced. And now it's what the cool kids do and she wanted it done. Matt and I talked to her about it, she knew it was going to hurt, etc and I told her fine, she could get it done.

I didn't think she'd actually do it since we have to hold her down for regular shots.

So on Saturday Matt and I took the kids up to the mall and Olivia was beyond excited. So much so that we had to tell her to stop talking about it otherwise we weren't doing it. It was seriously non-stop. We get to Claire's and when I told the sixteen year old girl about needing to get a piercing done she totally looked petrified. Which didn't help. We had to wait 20 minutes for a manager, which was fine.

When it came time, Olivia hopped up into the chair, totally bouncing when she got her ears cleaned, they put the dot on, and I'm filling out paperwork.
She made it clear to the lady she wanted to hold the bear- so there she is, clutching the bear.

We told them we wanted both ears done at the same time, which was just fine. (Thank you to everyone on FB who suggested this- you are wise and awesome) She picked out silver balls and they got everything ready. So you see the two ladies getting ready to pierce her while Matt holds her hand. And then they did it. At first...nothing. As soon as the ladies moved away...

Totally understandable. Tell me that face doesn't break your heart??

But then I kept telling her we were all done and that she needs to look in the mirror...and she was THRILLED. Seriously. Tears instantly stopped and she kept looking from side to side. So while Matt went to pay for them I took her over to the earring carousel and explained to her that if we take good care of them she could get big girl earrings.

She immediately tells me she wants the big balls (the size of quarters) and the huge feathers. Um... fashion diva?? *sigh* She is not wearing those. I couldn't have "dangly" earrings until I was 13 for god sakes.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I heard a rumor "weekend" meant "rest"...

..but it's only a rumor because I've yet to do absolutely nothing on a weekend. *sigh*

I have a super full week of posts coming up for you this week so be sure to come back tomorrow to hear about more piercings, me vs. toddlers, house drama, and more. Seriously. This all happened in the span of three days and that's the stuff that I can even think about right now. And Sunday isn't even done yet. I'm scared.

Anyways. So I have been such a Get Sketchy loser as of late. I like to play along with their sketches because it keeps me creative AND it kind of gives me incentive to use things out of my stash. Anyways. So for this week's sketch, this is what I cam up with:
And I pretty much LOVE it. It's a thank you card and I took the time to heat emboss my butterflies, so they are raised. Hand colored them in, did a textured cardstock, found a piece of ribbon AND matching rhinestones. It was a big deal and they took me forever. And if you like them as much as I do, you can BUY THEM HERE.

OK- on to the next one. (Cue Jay Z song, please..)

One of my favorite bloggers out there, Jamie, has been tossing this idea around for awhile and I think it's awesome. But basically it's a blogger mail swap- you send something, you get something. It's going to be a lot of fun, so if you want information, please go to her blog HERE. Sign up.

And then Thursday, Matt and I participated in this thing called Ruby's Pantry. Basically- you pay $15, and get food that's worth way more than $15. You never know what you're going to get and some months might be a dud, but this month was pretty good:

This isn't showing the two loaves of bread or 5 pounds of baby red potatoes I had already put in the freezer. But you do see five bags of oyster crackers (which I love), eight pounds of onions, five pounds of flour, two pounds of oat bran (wtf do I do with that??), an industrial size can of corn (again...not sure how I'll use THAT), two loaves of garlic bread, eight ciabatta rolls, two loaves of bread (in addition to what I put in the freezer), 15 pieces of chicken thighs (yuck) and 3 cartons of orange juice. Matt passed up on the five gallon bucket of "salad grade eggs" because I probably would have thrown up. He was number 263 in line and the last number he heard getting passed out was in the 700 range but he said there easily was more. So while it's not everyone's cup of tea- it's pretty nice. It's only once a month and I would say I got my $15 worth. Even if I don't use everything, it was still a bargain. A lot of staples I could use amongst many meals.

OK- so that's me for tonight. I feel like I'm forgetting something...but oh well. Come back tomorrow for Olivia's piercing and pictures that she'll hate.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I've got nothing.

Seriously- I've got nothing. I had all the intentions in the world to bring you a Domestic Bitch Friday today...but yeah. It's not happening so deal with it. But I do have stupid things to vent about.

1. I hate being the only person who clears out the caller ID. Seriously. Our phone is super ghetto so I have to go one by one to delete them and went back to August 24. Seriously?? I actually don't know why we even have a phone because I never use it, I hate talking on the phone, hardly anyone ever calls because they know I hate talking on the phone, and if I needed 911 I doubt they'd get here before I was killed in my house anyways.

2. Olivia's attitude this week?? Awful. So stinking awful. She's whining about EVERYTHING. She asks me for milk and I didn't fill the glass right so she's crying. She had a choice between cereal or waffles for breakfast, she chooses cereal with no milk. No big, so I get that and she starts yelling that she wanted the waffles because she doesn't like her bowl. I feel like killing myself with a spoon some mornings.

3. Being part time is a joke. You'd think only working part time I'd have all this time. Nope- all my free time I previously had is now gone. I'd like to know how that works. I'm working way more around the house yet it looks worse. I'm spending WAY more on gas because I'm constantly going back and forth everywhere. Jackson is in a toddler class Thursday and Fridays which is great because he needs kid interaction, but wow- I'm exhausted. After running errands beginning at 9 this morning, Olivia was at school at noon and then Jackson had class and then I had to hustle to get Olivia, then cook dinner while Matt's taking a nap. MUST BE NICE.

4. My nose is really sore. A few days ago I realized that Matt's contact solution, which I had been using to clean my piercing, is expired. Like THREE YEARS expired. Which maybe explains why my nose didn't feel like it was getting any better. The outside feels fine but the inside is really sore. So maybe it's still healing. I bought new solution so I don't get gangrene or something on my face.

5. I need a haircut. I'm starting to get triangle head and that sucks. I need to go...yet I have no money.

6. I also need pants. Which is probably a good problem since I need smaller pants, but it's not because again, I have no money. The pants I've been wearing look ridiculous. They are all major baggy in the butt and really--it's not a good scene.

7. I've been may-jah exercise slacker. I need to get back into it because I gained two pounds and that? Is unacceptable. I need to cancel my Curves membership because it's $34 a month I need to be using for something else. That should be on my agenda for tomorrow because I have put it off for 3 months now.

8. I've been crafting like crazy. I got two sets done that are going to go into my shop, probably tomorrow, which I'll show you on here. Then you can all buy stuff from my shop and fix problems 5 & 6. You don't want your leader looking like a homeless person with triangle hair.

So that's my 5 minute rant for the night. I need to wrap a few things, organize myself for next week and work on more crafty stuff. And maybe get to sleep at a decent hour.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

More than you might need to know.

I need to get some housekeeping things done before I reveal my girly bits.

1. My super awesome and fabulous blogger friend, Jamie, is having a giveaway. She is SUPER talented and has done artwork for me (I swear I'll post it..very soon) and if you win you are going to love your prize. So head to her blog HERE and enter. Show some blogger love.

2. If you are friends with me on Facebook about 2 weeks ago you would have seen me losing my shit over getting a regular guest posting assignment on a blog I've been loving for awhile now. Candice from Fashionably Organized loves me (and if she didn't you'd all defend me I'm sure) and I am going to be doing a monthly segment, if you will, and I hope you check me out. Each month it'll either be me get my crafty-bitch on or my organizing-bitch on. This's crafts. And pretty much everything I'm going to do is super easy but if you're too lazy you are always able to buy it in my shop. So go HERE to see my first post. And tell Candice what a smart chicky she is for loving me.

3. Next, I want to urge you all to buy stuff from my Etsy shop. My kids are hungry, yo. ;) If you need holiday cards- email me at and let me know kind of what you like and I will do my best to come up with something for you. 

4. Finally, Krysten (whom I adore and is quickly becoming one of my real life besties) is celebrating her 27th birthday today! Yes. Well she also tagged me like a cheap whore in her post yesterday. Her questions are way more tame than mine usually are so I am totally getting off too easy I think. So in honor of Krysten's birthday... (here's where I flash my girly bits...or my inner girl) (were you looking for real girly bits? Pervert.)

1. What kind of hair (cut/color) have you always wanted but never had the nerve to do it? I have had every varying length of hair so cutting it is no big deal. I've only ever had highlights done in my hair (three times in my whole life) but I've always wanted to go dramatic. Like dye all of my hair a different color. I likely will never do that so no worries lovers. ;)

2. If you could do it over, where would you go on your honeymoon? Well we went to Madeira Beach, Florida and we really loved it. It was a cheap trip and we were broke, so I wouldn't change that. I would have liked to have done more, but we blew 3 days of food money on parasailing. Totally worth it.

3. What is your dream car? I'm not really a car person. As long as the thing isn't a complete piece of shit and reliable, I'm fine. But if you've ever seen the movie Training Day...*sigh* I really liked that black car. :)

4. If you could move anywhere in the world- where would you move? I seriously don't know. Every place I think of has drawbacks. But I would like to go back to Florida because I miss all of my family. I'd like my kids to grow up with them close by. And I adore the beach. Anywhere I go would have to have water because I'm a Pisces yo.

5. What famous lady would you love to be or be bff with? Hmm.. I wouldn't want to be anyone except me, so I would like to be famous. But bff... I think Anna Paquin would be super fun. Or Chelsea Handler obviously. But we probably would combust from awesomeness. I'll tell you who'd I would like to beat up though- Kristin Stewart. She's such a cry baby I feel like bashing her head in with a bat while my 6 foot cardboard Robert Pattinson looks on with approval.

6. What colors did you do for your wedding? Easy- blue and silver. Blue is my favorite color and I prefer silver over gold so there ya go. My friend Lisa, who is the best EVER, helped me tie on ribbons on hundreds of bubble bottles. Pain staking work, our fingers were cramped for days and it was traumatizing. Fast forward to the wedding- we fucking forgot to hand them out. I think at one point Lisa was handing them out to everyone anyways.

7. What trashy reality show are you embarrassingly addicted to? Oh my. Here I am...getting up to wave my shame flag- Jersey Shore. Don't you dare judge me- you know you're watching it too. I don't know if it's Snooki's clothing that are 3 sizes too small but maybe that's because she doesn't realize that she isn't skinny, if it's The Situation's blank stare, JWOWW's trashy bar attitude, Sammi the dumbass, Ronnie the male whore, Vinny the nice male whore, or Angelina the psychotic friend you know you all have one of. I can't decide. I just can't---but I can't stop watching.

8. Do you remember your first kiss? How old were you and how awkward was it? I was 17 and it was with my boyfriend at the time, JR. I was super nervous but I figured I had to at some point. We were at a park near the apartment he was living in with other guys, and it just happened. I don't remember how it started or anything, but it lasted for a long time and I remembered thinking that I like kissing and I need to do this more often. Well fast forward to when I started dating Matt. I remember our first kiss. :) It was on our first date and again, it just happened and it really freaked me out because it felt a lot different than anything else. And after awhile, Matt had to get up (ahem) and fix himself. When he came back he was like, "I don't think I need to tell you that you are an amazing kisser, right? Because if we keep doing that I'm going to need new pants." Always the gentleman- even back then. :) So I'm apparently a really good kisser.

9. What is your guilty pleasure? Hmmm...I don't know if I have a guilty pleasure, per say. Staring at Robert Pattinson pictures online?? Buying vibrators? Reading dirty romance novels? Maybe combining all of these things?? :)

10. Favorite chick flick? Um.. I don't know? I like mostly comedies but I could relate to Knocked Up because I remember yelling at Matt for not knowing everything about my uterus. I was 7 months pregnant- give me a break.

11. Favorite beverage? Pepsi from the fountain.

12. Theme song? ooh...I don't know. It depends on my mood. But the song "Impossible" by Anberlin is one of my favs right now.

13. Who is your style icon? Shit- I don't know. I don't really have one. I don't follow fashion and it's a miracle I can dress myself in things other than jeans and tshirts.

14. When was the last time you cried and why? That was this week. A friend of my mom's passed away and I cried when I heard about it and when I thought about her kids. She was only a month older than my mom so it just really drove home that my parents aren't going to be here forever.

15. What is in your cd/iPod right now? The new Anberlin cd, Florence & the Machine, Envy on the Coast, Debussy, Civil Twilight, and Little Boots are in my cd player in my van. Kind of schizophrenic, huh?

16. Favorite dessert? Ice cream. I think. I don't shy away from most any kind of dessert.

I'm not going to tag anyone but if you are in need of blog material, feel free to take this one.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Proof is in your ass.

Let me just say that I don't know if I should be offended that some of you are demanding photographic proof of the siding on the back porch or if I should be flattered that you are so worried about the state of my house you want to make sure I'm not living in a trailer without wheels.

But you ask and I shall tickle your fancy with some house porn. (See those steps? They aren't attached to my house and yes, they are sinking. Obviously this proves my case that we need new ones. But see that board under my door??? It's step one in a deck. My panties are totally soaked because this is progress that did not require me nagging. Progress!!)

It's the least I can do for my little lambwhores.

Anyways. Tonight's post is not going to be about my house. Even though I could probably bang out some hilarity for you based on any room you choose! I could, I swear. Our house is like the movie Money Pit, minus the fire and stairs falling down. But who knows- that could all just be on their way.

No- tonight's post is an open letter to America. Really, this could be international but since I've only been "international" for an afternoon I don't think that counts. And really? I think Thunder Bay, Canada isn't REALLY international. (Dear Canadians: I love you if you love me. If not then you suck and your opinion doesn't count anyways.)

But what got me started on this was on my way home the other day, I saw this gem:

And for those of you who don't know, I live in Wisconsin. That's right- the cheese state. We have cows, bugs, farms, cheese, and a lot of beer. Nothing about our state says "gangsta". Nothing about our says "badass mo' fo's". Nothing about our state says "we'll cap yo ass". No. Our states says "we have beer and cheese and are mostly overweight. Come over for a cheesy tuna hot dish." When I see things like this, or the idiots with their pants hanging off their asses, or the people flashing signs that don't look like American Sign Language or people shouting across the gas station parking lots, "Imma get my nigga" I get irritated. Because we are in Wisconsin. We're not even an urban city in Wisconsin. Maybe you have a little more 'cred in Milwaukee with the murder rate, but seriously. We have under 30,000 people in town and even that is pushing it. And people can't even say I'm racist or doing a racial profile because the driver? Was clearly white. Whiter than me in January. And? He's blaring the classic rock radio station. Nothing says "gangsta" like Styx.
And awhile ago I wrote about how I hate when people put stuffed animals in the windows of their vehicles. I would link back but I'm too lazy to find it. But when I was driving in Duluth last weekend I saw these assholes. Now, because I didn't want to ram into their asses I couldn't get any closer, but if you look closely- they each have a raccoon stuffed animal strapped to their bags on the back.

Why? Why is this necessary? Does it make you more aerodynamic? Is it so you can identify your motorcycle? Do you feel more secure riding with a buddy? Are you hoping it'll cushion the blow when your fat ass (they really were super huge people) leans too far over causing you to crash into the ditch? Because I'm going to tell you something- anybody riding with stuffed animals is a loser. I'm sorry- there is no excuse for that.

Finally. This idiot lives by me somewhere. At least I can only assume since she turned onto the road almost t-boning me in the process since she was texting at approximately 8:30 in the morning. The ENTIRE van is painted and the back is littered with "Free Tibet" stickers and such. Now I'm sorry- I get that Tibet is having some problems. But I'm *pretty sure* this is not what they envision as the ideal advertisement for freeing Tibet.

Look, I'm all for being supportive of your political causes and such. But when your advertising is offensive and potentially a road hazard? Please don't. Because now you just look like an idiot. And I will shame you.

So here's my challenge to you. Bring your camera with you- take pictures of bad drivers, bad cars, etc and send them to me at by the end of the month. I'll post them all on here and we'll have a contest of sorts. There may or may not be a prize involved- you'll just have to wait and see. :)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

So 2012 is coming a bit early.

It was a BIG weekend up in the Strand household my fellow whores. I'm serious as herpes right now.

Guess what happened?

Matt? Finished putting the siding on the back porch.

What? Not as epic as you thought it would be? Well then you suck. Because the siding project started in June 2007. FYI- it is September 2010. You do the math. The only thing left is the upstairs bathroom alcove thingie, but I don't ever care right now. I'll bitch about that next summer because having the back porch done is such a big deal. It all began with me tricking him into buying a window for the back porch, because that was the first excuse. So he did that one side. Then I told him we have to have the side where the back door is done before Olivia's party because I don't want my house to look ghetto for the third year in a row. So he got that side done. Then this weekend he's like, "I'm bored" and I'm like, "then finishing the siding already asshole" and he DID!

I keep staring at it in awe---like my house is no longer the unfinished shithole on the block. Nope- it looks super nice. Except for the front and back steps, but hey- the decking stuff is here! It just won't get put on until next summer. Which is ok and I can deal with that. Really, I can. I wasn't happy to hear that we'll have to dig around the entire foundation to put insulating foam or whatever in. Not just because of how much it costs, how much work it is, or what a mess my yard is going to be for the entire summer. No- what GETS ME is that when we had the entire yard dug up in 2007 for the mention of this needing to be done. So I paid a lot of money to have someone flatten my yard and then we did the whole grass seed bit and only now does my yard look normal.

And now we're tearing it up again.

*insert angry eyes*

But in happier news, I've also gotten Matt to *promise* the new laundry sink will be installed AND functional by Thanksgiving. I don't know how this happened, but this project has been in the works for 5 years. He actually started buying some of the necessary plumbing things this past weekend and we're going to get more on payday. I can't even tell you how retarded happy I am about a new laundry sink.

Maybe then I can get a ceiling in the laundry room!

Oh folks-- I? Am moving up in the world here.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Preschool: Week One

So last week was Olivia's first week of preschool. And I'm not going to lie, it was hard on me. I'm not ready to say I have kids in school and that may sound lame but I don't care. I'm just not ready. And frankly- I don't know if I ever will be. But you'll be proud- I didn't make a blubbering fool of myself. I only cried when we left the house in the morning:
Obviously, Olivia was super excited about her first day. She doesn't go first thing in the morning since she's the second class but that's ok. She's really excited to show Grandma (my mom) her outfit of the day in the morning. But I had to work that morning so I took a break so I could bring her on her first day. Mostly to make sure she didn't cry or hide under a table or something. So here she is at the door:
It was SO windy that day. We walked to the preschool but honestly? I was freezing. But I managed to get a super quick picture with my big girl before bringing her in:
I pretty much worried all day. She's never been in a day care setting and I've never just left her with people I don't know. We don't use babysitters- I rely on friends or family and even then I feel bad for leaving my kids with them. So when she was done at the end of the day I was early. And freaked out because there were no kids in the class, but then they came back. They apparently have snack time which I didn't know about.
When I asked Olivia what she does during the day she says "I don't know" and so that's fun. She seems to like going there so I'm not going to worry about it too much. The lack of communication is kind of bizarre. Like, I have NO idea what they are doing, learning, etc. Olivia came home singing a song I didn't recognize and told me she was supposed to practice. Fabulous- except I can't help her if I don't know the song. So I am going to have to get some kind of relationship with the teacher going because I want to be active in her education.

And she ended the week with getting a really bad cold. She tells me today that it was only her and 3 other kids because everyone else is sick. Fabulous.
Do you love the attitude in this picture?? This was her second day of school and the novelty of new clothes hadn't worn off yet. :)

So all in all- she did good. I did good. I'm not used to her being in preschool but it'll get better. I think Jackson misses her during the day because when we go to pick her up he's SUPER excited to see her again. And they talk the entire way home.

Ugh- is this what getting old feels like?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Big Reveal

I have had a super great weekend so far. Which is really nice because even though I've been go-go-go so far, it's been relaxing and fun. Does that make sense? Probably not but you know how I roll.

So do you remember last week when I talked about Tammy getting her nose pierced and I was all pussy wussy about it?

Well guess what?

I did it! And guess what? (excuse the picture- this is me after 4 hours of sleep, no makeup and no shower.)

Tammy freaking lied about the pain. Because it? Hurt like a mother-fucker-bitch. I'm not joking. The only other pain I could really compare is child birth, but that's kind of dramatic. So I'm going to go with stitches after childbirth. (Look that up for some fun.)

So here's what happened- I stewed all week about it. I thought I'd have the money to do it but then I didn't, and yeah--I was sad. And I thought maybe that was a sign. So then I went to lunch with Lisa on Friday which was really great because we've both been ridiculously busy since April so yeah. Anyways. We're at lunch and I casually mention I was thinking about doing it. She tells me she wants hers re-pierced and so we kind of joked about going together sometime.

Even as an adult, I can't do anything alone.

So Friday night, after dinner- Matt gives me $50- he fixed a computer and got paid. So I'm like, bonus. Then he's like, "You should just go and get it done." So I call Tammy, who agrees to drive us and she's laughing because she knows I wanted to do it. Then I call Lisa, who was in her pajamas but decided to come anyways and she'll do it too.

Have I mentioned I'm really good at peer pressure? Because I am.

Anyways- so we meet up and we drive over to the place in Duluth. The same guys were working and it was decided that I would go first because if I don't it just gives me time to pussy out. So the guy doing it was really nice and really cute. So you know, that helps. He cleans my nose, tells me that the weirdest part is going to be the tube he puts in my nose so he doesn't pierce all the way through. Then he counts to three and let's just say- it was a DAMN good thing I was sitting on my hands because I would have instinctively reached out and he was the closest thing to me. Seriously. It hurt that bad. I don't think I bled, at least I didn't see, feel or smell any but my one eye did water. A lot.

What I didn't anticipate was the constant throbbing afterwards. Seriously. Anyways- so Lisa went after me after I declared it hurt like a bitch and everyone laughed. But here's our picture right after we were both done:
By the way- how much are you loving my Kings of Leon shirt? This is the one I got in Chicago and it's a Venus Fly Trap----with a fly in it. Bad ass, yo.

Afterwards Lisa went home and Tammy & I had ice cream then went to see Eclipse again. Don't judge us. When I got home I cleaned it like I'm supposed to and then realized that the possibility of me hurting myself in my sleep was pretty good, but then praised my unintentional brain power because I sleep on my left side mostly and I have my right side pierced. Go, Sara Super Smarts.

When I woke up I felt awful. I have a fever which may or may not be related to my piercing because Olivia has a cold and I may be getting that. Which is going to be fun when I can barely move my face, let alone blow my nose. I took a shower and the shampoo?? In the hole?? PAINFUL. Ugh.

Seriously- if this thing ever falls out or heals up- I most likely won't get it re-done. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but it does look kind of cool. I'm sure it'll look better when my nose isn't puffy.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Yes, I actually do stuff.

Guess what? I actually DO stuff with my crafty bits. (I bet you thought I'd talk about my lady bits, huh?) (Perverts.)

I'm so freaking close to finishing a birthday present for Krysten. I have Sam's all made. Then I have to put the finishing touches on a package o' birthday lovin' for both of them. So obviously- craftiness will happen there.

Over the weekend I got a few scrapbook pages done and so I'm going to show you. Just so you can see that the huge new stash of stuff I got will not go to waste. Oh no. AND I just got a few more pictures printed because I'm really far behind and I'm getting to be a bit...overwhelmed. Yup- that's the word I should use here.

This page is obviously all about Jackson. One minute he was happy, chillin on his homemade throne reading books. The next minute (after I moved the strategically placed pillow leaning against him) he burst into tears. It's rough being two, folks.
OOh--- some of my favorite pictures of my kids being nice to each other. Here's a fun fact- I have a LOT of stamps...yet I hardly use them on pages. I don't know why. I can't explain my crazy yall.
Hey- blogger is being a whore and won't put this the right way. But this? Is a super creepy bunny that comes during Easter. This year both of my kids have whacked out eyes. It's like all three of them are possessed.
Part one of two pages- Look at this face and tell me you wouldn't eat him up???

Part two of two.

And as a testament to how far behind I am....these pictures are from 2007. Seriously. Olivia is only 2 in these pictures- wow. The other two girls are my cousins who live in Florida and are adorable.
Anyways. So I got that stuff done, and two more pages done tonight. I have a long ways to go and Matt is picking up pictures for me right now. As well as putting gas in my van AND putting air in my tire.

Don't laugh- I tried to put air in my tire today except that it was SO loud and I freaked out. Mostly because I had visions of a tire blowing up in my face and I'd end up like that girl on that one Law & Order episode that had no face. Well that was because someone threw acid on her face but I bet the effects would be the same and yah. All of that flashes in my head in the span of 2 seconds. It kind of makes me psychic, right?

Of course I'm right. I'm always right.

Oh- and before I forget. Buy stuff from my Etsy shop. My kids need winter jackets, hats, boots, mittens, and snowsuits. Mommy be broke. ;) I'm taking orders on holiday cards and invitations like right now. Hurry up and get your request in so I can fit you in before I lock myself up working on our family cards. :)

Question of the night: Do you have any hobbies? What kind of stuff do you do?