Thursday, June 29, 2017

On the road again....

I am exhausted. I know I'm forgetting something crucial. I'm scared I can't do this. I'm scared I'm going to regret this mid way there. I'm scared something awful will happen and I'll panic. I have zero desire to be trapped inside of a mini van with four kids and a husband who is always crabby and doesn't enjoy adventure or life in general for two days there and two days back, plus winging it in the middle.

My "packing" for six people consisted of throwing a bunch of random things into bags and hoping it's what we need because New Sara is no longer capable of organizing and making decisions, putting things in order, thinking ahead, processing, everything that's needed in planning a vacation let alone a road trip with four children. Old Sara would have been able to whip this up in an hour and have had destinations, back up ideas, activities in bags, back up activities, boredom busters, and fun facts to learn along the way.

New Sara is pretty sure she brought underwear? But maybe not. I know for sure I have my medication and my credit card and that's about it.

We are going on a road trip to Florida to see my family. We haven't seen them in four years and it's really important to me that my grandparents get a chance to meet Penelope and Lucy. This past fall my Great Auntie Barbara passed away and it's really bothered me that I never made the trip to her side of Florida and introduced her to my children. I feel real guilt about that, and my grandparents are getting older, my other grandma that lives up here has cancer and I just... I feel like I have to start making the rounds. It sounds terrible and morbid but something in me is telling me that I need to make it a priority. If I've learned nothing else in this last year, it's that life is fleeting. Any moment it can be taken from you and the right time to make a visit never comes, that time is always now. I can't afford it, but there isn't going to be a better time. The kids are in school in the fall, and then we get busy with life so we decided that while things have kind of slowed down, activities and school are done- we're going. We're going, we're visiting, to hell with bills and money- we're just going to go and worry about it later.

I'll panic about that stuff later.

We're going to wing it on our trip, nothing is planned, we're going to try to visit with as many people as we can, I'm a little worried about how I'm going to feel. I haven't really been in the heat and I've been warned plenty of times that I can and will dehydrate very easily and even if I don't feel thirsty I have to continuously drink water even if it means I am peeing every half hour. So yay, that should make for enjoyable road trip home. I picked up an extra dose of my emergency injection, just in case. And my psychiatrist upped my dose of medicine to help perk me up to hopefully I am not so exhausted the entire trip, knowing that sun is going to be draining anyways. So... I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful this won't be a bust. Now here's hoping my camera cooperates and I remember to use it!

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Waterboarding with babies.

When we found out we were going to have Lucy everyone said, "Oh, it's going to be so fun to have two close together! They'll be best friends!". I had no idea if that was going to be true or not or if this was just something people said to be polite to your face but then they really say, "Oh man, they are so screwed!" among themselves when they walk away.

Now that Penelope is two and Lucy is almost one, I suspect it's the latter because they are anything but best friends. Most days it's chaos in here now that Lucy is cruising along furniture, so close to walking on her own. Penelope doesn't want her to play with anything, must less touch it. Lucy has quite the temper and Penelope is twice as bad.

Thankfully it's "summer" in northern Wisconsin which means for one day a week it's nice enough to go outside and, if we're lucky, the girls can go in the play pool. I only have a rather small pool for the girls because when I bought it, I only had Penelope and had no plans for a fourth kid. I'm not buying another one because I know I'm not going to use it beyond the few weeks of summer that we have for Wisconsin so we're just going to make this tiny pool work.
When Olivia and Jackson were little, they played so nicely together in the pool so I just assumed Penelope and Lucy would as well. It ended up not being the case at all. You can see early on Lucy knew it wasn't going to go well for her. 
She knows from bath time that the key is to take a wide stance with her legs and brace her arms on the bottom because then Penelope can't push her all of the way down into the water. Otherwise her sister tries to drown her. You can take your eyes off the girls for even a second. She feels total joy when she's on her own and her sister is busy running through the yard.
Then she comes back and Lucy is looking for a way out.
This was after her sister dumped a large bucket of water over her head (cold water, no less) and Lucy is having none of this, is telling us all about it because we clearly did nothing to stop this. She's demanding answers.
Lucy took the toy away in retaliation and now Penelope is angry and coming to tell me about it. Apparently sitting a foot away isn't enough.

I ended up telling her to go play with Jackson because some days she's just TOO MUCH. She's a mama's girl and she's too clingy. I feel like the problem is I don't leave the house enough. But I also don't really have anywhere to go. I don't have money or anywhere really to go. Anyways.
So we brought the sprinkler out and let her run through that which was freezing cold water and she had no idea what was going on.
But if Jackson was doing it, she was all about it. She thinks he's the coolest kid ever and she's under the delusion that she's a much larger kid than she is (the clear downside to this major age gap) so she is much braver and more fearless than Olivia and Jackson ever were.

Poor Lucy though. She's going to be the toughest baby on the block only because she has Penelope for a sister. Penelope is so rough and tumble. Her latest thing is "hug time" from the movie Trolls (her absolute favorite) and she tackles Lucy in her attempt at hug time. She will tackle and do a choke hold. Lucy, for her part does her best attempt at playing dead in the hopes that hug time stops. Poor Lucy. She's such a trooper. Maybe she'll end up in the Marines or something.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Almost one. Trigger happy.

I had been noticing the last few weeks that my sleeping patterns have been worse than usual, which isn't saying much because I don't sleep well as it is anyways. I have been feeling irritable and on edge, panicky, and nervous. I feel like running and I don't know why. I feel scared, terrified and I couldn't figure out why.

Until last week when Olivia asked me what we were doing for Lucy's birthday. And then it dawned on me. She's going to be one soon. I'm having a PTSD trigger episode. I vaguely remember my counselor telling me I may or may not experience this, not everyone does, but here I am.

The closer I get to Lucy's birthday the more scared I get. I have no reason why, rationally I know I have no reason to be scared, I know I'm not going to die again. I'm home, my medications are managed, my health is managed as well as it can be, the Amniotic Fluid Embolism could not have been predicted nor prevented, I did nothing wrong, all of this I know.

I know it.

Logically, I know it.

Mentally and emotionally?
I'm terrified. I'm nervous. I'm angry. I'm reliving all of the emotions I've spent the last year working on moving past. I'm angry that any of this has happened to me. I feel like I'm being punished. If I hadn't wanted more children, this wouldn't have happened. I should have just been happy with what I had.

I feel guilty for feeling that way. There are millions of people in the world who would give anything to have a baby and look at me, being a hot mess of a mom. They could be doing a better job. They could love them better.

I feel frustrated because this entire year every doctor has told me, "it's only been XX months, wait until it's been a year, you'll be so much better" and now we're approaching that year and surprise... I'm not better. I'm not like I was the day I came home, thankfully, but I'm still not the Sara I was when I went to the hospital on August 1, 2016. Aside from my pituitary issues and my water regulation issues which bore people to death but are life threatening and serious, its my depression and memory issues that scare me the most. I can't remember to feed my baby. You'd think by kid four feeding and and changing a diaper would become muscle memory but it doesn't. I forget I have to feed Lucy. Or change her diaper. Put her in for a nap. Driving? I run red lights. Stop signs. I can't figure out four way stops. I space out if the radio is on so I often drive without it on now because it's distracting for me. I never drive with just the babies in the car because I'm convinced I'll forget them in van. Reading books isn't as easy as it was, it takes me longer because sometimes I don't understand what I'm reading. If I'm tired I can't understand what people are saying. If someone gives me directions I won't remember them. I can't count coins without help. I'll start crying for no reason. Stress makes my ability to remember and do things go right out the window.

I went in as me and I came out as a totally different person and nobody told me how to do that. Nobody told me how to get used to people treating me differently because I'm not the same.
I spent this weekend looking at some of Lucy's pictures thinking I should start her baby book and I realize I don't know how to do that. I don't remember my pregnancy. I don't remember any of it. I don't remember giving birth to her. I get so angry that all of those first moments with her I have no memory of. She is my last baby and it feels so cruel to be punished in such a way that I don't have the memory of holding her the first time. It's bad enough that I don't remember delivering her but to not remember having her handed to me and getting to kiss her? It's awful.

That's what I keep saying to my therapist, that I don't think people truly understand what it's like to have died and then come back from that and then be missing entire chunks of memory. It's not like I'm missing things like what I ate for breakfast today, I'm missing my wedding day. Birth of my children. Major events of my life, those are things I can't recreate. Those are gone. It's not like a vacation and you think, well- I'll just go there again and use my pictures as a road map! Nope, I can't make another Lucy. Or another Jackson. I can't get married again.


So yes. Almost one year. It's hard. I'm getting there. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I don't know what I'm going to be like on the actual day, I'm almost scared to think about it to be honest.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Beach at Painter's Cove

*I received an ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review; however all thoughts and opinions are my own. This post also contains affiliate links that I may make commission from.*

If you're adding books to your summing reading list, add this one if only because it's got a beachy cover that I love and because it reminds me of a Dorothea Benton Frank book and you know I love her.

The Beach at Painter's Cove - Shelley Noble

From the New York Times bestselling author of Whisper Beach comes another heartwarming story of four generations of women who reunite in their crumbling family mansion by the sea for a dramatic summer filled with love, family, secrets and sisterhood.

The Whitaker family’s Connecticut mansion, Muses by the Sea, has always been a haven for artists, a hotbed of creativity, extravagances, and the occasional scandal. Art patrons for generations, the Whitakers supported strangers but drained the life out of each other. Now, after being estranged for years, four generations of Whitaker women find themselves once again at The Muses.

Leo, the Whitaker matriarch, lives in the rambling mansion crammed with artwork and junk. She plans to stay there until she joins her husband Wes on the knoll overlooking the cove and meadow where they first met. Her sister-in-law Fae, the town eccentric, is desperate to keep a secret she has been hiding for years.

Jillian, is a jet setting actress, down on her luck, and has run out of men to support her. She thinks selling The Muses will make life easier for her mother, Leo, and Fae by moving them into assisted living. The sale will also bring her the funds to get herself back on top.

Issy, Jillian’s daughter, has a successful life as a museum exhibit designer that takes her around the world. But the Muses and her grandmother are the only family she’s known and when her sister leaves her own children with Leo, Issy knows she has to step in to help.

Steph, is only twelve-years-old and desperately needs someone to fire her imagination and bring her out of her shell. What she begins to discover at the Muses could change the course of her future. 

As Issy martials the family together to restore the mansion and catalogue the massive art collection, a surprising thing happens. Despite storms and moonlight dancing, diva attacks and cat fights, trips to the beach and flights of fancy, these four generations of erratic, dramatic women may just find a way to save the Muses and reunite their family.

I absolutely loved this book. Immediately from the beginning of the book it reminded me of a Dorothea Benton Frank book and I basically start my summer reading with her latest, and this to me had a similar cast of characters. We have a flawed family, we have a gorgeous beach setting, and we have a summer to fix so much dysfunction- can we do it?

The best part about this is that it isn't just one or two generations, we have four generations trying to come together, we have these children who are essentially abandoned by their parents but Leo is ill so their aunt has to care for them. We have Fae (who I kind of love because she's the crazy and I have a soft spot for the family crazy) but she's the recluse who has some secrets that end up being revealed by the end of summer. Jillian is kind of a mess who thought she was going to be a star actress so she abandoned her children (Vivian and Issy) but she's turned out to be broke and out of options so she's come home and needs to sell everything to keep up with her lifestyle. Vivian (who was the one who has abandoned her own kids to chase a man) is gone, so Issy now has to take care of her sisters kids but realizes that while she's back "home" her mother, who she hasn't seen in years has also shown up basically to sell the place and place Leo and Fae into assisted living and clear them out of their stuff.

Do you see how a storm of personalities are brewing? How basically all hell is going to break loose in this house? Yes, well it does and it makes for an amazing read. Add in some romance for a few characters, there is some humor thrown throughout, family drama, and it keeps you on your toes. It's just over 400 pages so it's a little longer than what I'd like for my casual reads (you know I'm picky) but I was thoroughly enjoying this book the entire time and I highly recommend it if you need a light and fun read for the beach or the patio while you're keeping an eagle on the kiddos.

You can order a copy on the HarperCollins website and I see they have a limited time offer of 20% off on their website, so that might be worth a try! Author Shelley Noble can be followed on her website, Facebook and Twitter as well.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The Widow of Wall Street

*I received an ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review, all thoughts and opinions are my own. This post also contains affiliate links that I make commission from.*

Are you reading over the summer? I hope you're getting in more reading than I am, I am hoping to get more in over the next few weeks so stay tuned for more reviews over the next months!

What’s real in a marriage built on sand and how do you abandon a man you’ve loved since the age of fifteen?

Phoebe sees the fire in Jake Pierce’s belly from the moment they meet as teenagers in Brooklyn. Eventually he creates a financial dynasty and she trusts him without hesitation—unaware his hunger for success hides a dark talent for deception.

When Phoebe learns—along with the rest of the world—that her husband’s triumphs are the result of an elaborate Ponzi scheme her world unravels. Lies underpin her life and marriage. As Jake’s crime is uncovered, the world obsesses about Phoebe. Did she know her life was fabricated by fraud? Did she partner with her husband in hustling billions from pensioners, charities, and CEOs? Was she his accomplice in stealing from their family and neighbors?

Debate rages as to whether love and loyalty blinded her to his crimes or if she chose to live in denial. While Jake is trapped in the web of his own deceit, Phoebe is faced with an unbearable choice. Her children refuse to see her if she remains at their father’s side, but abandoning Jake, a man she’s known since childhood, feels cruel and impossible.

From Brooklyn to Greenwich to Manhattan, from penthouse to prison, with tragic consequences rippling well beyond Wall Street, The Widow of Wall Street exposes a woman struggling to redefine her life and marriage as everything she thought she knew crumbles around her.

I had so many thoughts as I read this book because I know what a Ponzi scheme is so I came into this book with a preconceived assumption of Phoebe- I automatically didn't like her. I figured there's no way you live in a marriage and just have no clue that your husband is scamming that many people all these years and just have no signs at all. Right? Well, I don't know. But what I do know is that this is one of the most dysfunctional marriages I have ever read about and that's what Randy Susan Meyers nails as a writer. The last book I read of hers, Accidents of Marriage, featured a very dysfunctional marriage but this book tops it. 

If you are looking for a fast read, you'll not find it here, because this book begins with Phoebe and Jake as teenagers. Phoebe comes from a fairly well off family and Jake from the wrong side of tracks as they say. Phoebe's mom is sure she can do better and her dad thinks Jake is a good kid with potential and to leave them be. After remaining a virgin throughout high school and through most of college, Phoebe makes a critical mistake in college with a married professor that changes the course of her life and sets her up for a life time of guilt and deceit. She ends up marrying Jake because at this point she's lied to her family and to Jake and if you think of that time period, it would be unheard of for her to be on her own so she's got to stick with it. Plus Jake loves her, he absolutely adores her and she knows it. 

You know from early on in the book that Jake is obsessed with not just doing well but he wants to be rich. He isn't content with getting by and being able to provide, he wants to be the best. He wants to be better than his parents and it becomes almost an obsession. The stress of it eats at him and while he loves Phoebe it's clear he doesn't see her as an equal. So we have this push and pull throughout their marriage, this undercurrent of unhappiness yet neither of them unwilling to leave for their own reasons that make complete sense when you really think about it. She because she has this awful secret of deceit, he because she really does believe in him and knows the kid who started from the bottom and worked his way up. So they become the only person the other one can depend on even though, in a way, they hate that that person is a crutch they hate to have, if that makes sense? They end up having children, he goes to prison because it's a Ponzi scheme and you know those always go to hell, and in the end- her children make her decide, them or Jake. 

And Phoebe struggles because she knows she owes nothing to Jake, the man who stole millions from everyone they knew, left their lives in ruins and left her with nothing and yet... she can't help it she feels like she does. But at the same time her children so desperately want her to cut the ties and rebuild what life she has left (she's in her sixties) and move on, and she's not sure what to do. 

The book is absolutely riveting. It IS a slow read and I almost didn't finish it but I found myself picking it back up time and time again because I just had to know what Phoebe was going to do because that's the thing with this author- she writes characters that you really can't stand, then you kind of sympathize with, then you find yourself totally annoyed that you're even kind of liking them, then in the end you realize that was the point- you realize it's to make you understand how judgmental we all are and how we shouldn't be because we can't possibly know what it's like unless we're walking in those shoes. We might think we know what we would do but unless those shoes are on our feet we have no idea. Excellent read, I highly recommend this especially if you like reads about dysfunctional marriages! 

Monday, June 19, 2017

Wolf Hollow

*This post contains affiliate links that I may receive commission from; however, all thoughts and opinions are my own.*

My reading goal this year was to read a variety of genres, not just my favorites. I have so many thoughts on this book, let's just get to it.

Wolf Hollow - Lauren Wolk

Growing up in the shadows cast by two world wars, Annabelle has lived a mostly quiet, steady life in her small Pennsylvania town. Until the day new student Betty Glengarry walks into her class. Betty quickly reveals herself to be cruel and manipulative, and while her bullying seems isolated at first, things quickly escalate, and reclusive World War I veteran Toby becomes a target of her attacks. While others have always seen Toby’s strangeness, Annabelle knows only kindness. She will soon need to find the courage to stand as a lone voice of justice as tensions mount.

Brilliantly crafted, Wolf Hollow is a haunting tale of America at a crossroads and a time when one girl’s resilience, strength, and compassion help to illuminate the darkest corners of our history.

I have to tell you this book is geared towards the elementary reader but I'm almost inclined to push it to the middle school reader because it's that... I am really at a loss for the right word (thanks, stroke!). You know how they say some books just come to you for a reason? I feel like this book was that for me. If you are a regular reader of my blog you will recall a recent post where I talked about some struggles my oldest daughter has had with a classmate of hers that has, in some ways, mirrored Annabelle and Betty's relationship. In Wolf Hollow, Annabelle is 12 (which is about the same age as my daughter) and their school gets a new student, Betty Glengarry.

Annabelle is kind and tries to befriend Betty but quickly learns that Betty is cruel and manipulative. She's mean to everyone but she finds Annabelle an easy target and things quickly escalate as her actions become threatening towards Annabelle's younger brothers, and Annabelle's best friend becomes victim to a particularly violent attack. Things take a more sinister turn when the local recluse, Toby, becomes a target for Betty as everyone blames him for her disappearance, fearing the worse. Annabelle, certain of his innocence, needs to find the courage (and evidence) to stand up to Betty and show all of the adults what Betty has been doing.

Now. That's a really watered down version of the story because I don't want to give to much away. Basically, Betty is a sociopath. She's pure evil. This story is taking place during a time when mental health isn't taken seriously and we don't know much about it, it's taking place during a time when World War II is happening (or just happened, I can't remember- I finished this book about 3 months ago, I'm behind on reviews! Oops!), so people aren't happy with Germans in particular and we're in small town America. Small town America all that time ago and you can kind of picture what would happen if a young girl goes missing and a town recluse is assumed to have taken her, it's guilty until someone else confesses situation.

And then we have the whole issue of Betty herself, she's bad news. Annabelle tried to ask for help and she tried to warn others of Betty but no adults believed her. Surely Betty wouldn't really be that cruel, girls wouldn't do that! But yes, girls can and often do awful things. Throughout this book I kept picturing my daughter as Annabelle. This entire school year I had told her, several times, "just be nice", "try to be kind, you don't know what her home life is like", "it isn't her fault her home life is bad", or "maybe if you try to be a good friend you can lead by example", and a variety of other things. I kept telling my daughter to just be nice- and what did it get her? It got her low self esteem, loss of friendships she's had since kindergarten, anxiety and panic attacks, danger for self harm, and a professional mental health counselor. So while I'll absolutely own my part in this, I'm absolutely angry at the other adults she confided in (teacher, counselors, other parents, etc) that didn't do anything and just felt sorry for this other girl. But I love the cover because it says, "The year I turned twelve I learned how to lie. The year I turned twelve I learned what I said and what I did mattered." I know one of those is true for my daughter, I hope the other is true as well.

I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that the book has two significant deaths in it and that both deaths may be hard for a child, particularly fifth grade and under, to process. Both almost feel profound to me, as an adult reader, because they are two major characters, good and evil, but I don't know if a young child will understand what a big deal they are in terms of the greater story. If you're a parent who doesn't want your child to read a story with death in, definitely stay away from this book. I also would recommend reading this book ahead of your child in general anyways because this book begs some conversation, it really does. The cruelty of Betty and the lack of action from all of the action from the adults in Annabelle's life, and just her hidden fear begs a conversation. It makes me wonder if this is how my daughter felt every day this school year and I had no idea? Which just makes me more angry.


Excellent writing. Anytime a book that is entertaining for an adult, which was intended for a child, I greatly approve of. And of course, it was a 2017 Newberry Honor Book and it's no wonder- it's excellent. It gets you right in the feels.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

All Things New

*I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review, and this post contains affiliate links for which I may earn a commission from; all thoughts and opinions are my own.*

I know I haven't been posting too many reviews lately, but that doesn't mean I haven't been reading! I promise I'll have quite a few reviews for you soon ranging from adult reads, some elementary reads and some YA books like this one, I've been all over the map! A little something for everyone.

All Things New - Lauren Miller 

Jessa has always felt broken inside, but she’s gotten very good at hiding it. No one at school knows about the panic attacks, the therapy that didn't help, the meds that haven’t worked. But when a severe accident leaves her with a brain injury and visible scars, Jessa’s efforts to convince the world that she’s okay finally crumble—now she looks as shattered as she feels. 

Fleeing from her old life in Los Angeles, Jessa moves to Colorado to live with her dad, where she meets Marshall, a boy whose kindness and generous heart slowly draw Jessa out of her walled-off shell and into the broken, beautiful, real world—a place where souls get hurt just as badly as bodies, and we all need each other to heal.

ALL THINGS NEW is a love story about perception and truth, physical and emotional pain, and the messy, complicated people we are behind the masks we put on for the world, perfect for fans of ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES and THE FAULT IN OUR STARS.

I finished this one in just one sitting, it's a relatively fast read at just over 300 pages or so. The book features Jessa, who is an anxious 17 year old. She's dating Wren, she's at a party she doesn't totally want to be at because of her anxiety and panic disorder (Wren is really the only person she's comfortable with and she's grown dependent on him.) and she's about to discover that Wren has been cheating on her.... and everyone knows it. This leads her to a devastating accident which leads her to with a fairly severe brain injury but even more noticeable facial scars. Knowing she can't face going back to her school knowing that she's the laughing stock after the incident at the party and now her disfigured face, she moves to Colorado to be with her father, who left years early after her parents divorced (the source of her anxiety and panic disorder). She begins school at an alternative school for kids with varying issues and soon makes friends with Hannah and Marshall, twins with their own issues. Hannah is obsessively practicing piano to get into a prestigious school and Marshall has a heart malformation that requires a risky surgery that he isn't sure he wants to have. But Jessa soon learns that while her exterior is healing, she needs to heal her interior and get to source of her anxiety versus running away from the things that hurt.

This one was just "meh" for me. I'll give this one 3/5 stars. It didn't blow me away, it's one I'll likely forget about down the road? Jessa is your typical teenager full of angst, she's rude to her dad, she is anxious almost to an outrageous point. (I'll never understand the argument of anyone who thinks when their parents divorce it means they've been abandoned and it means they are destined to not be loved ever, I just really will never get it. I just.. I can't understand it and I say that as a kid with divorced parents. And not just that, but a dad who left and literally never talked/saw me ever again- he actually DID abandon me so if anyone could use that argument, I legitimately could. Ha!) I can see how teens would enjoy this book, I liked the romance between Jessa and Marshall, I thought they would make a cute couple, and I kind of wanted to see more of that develop. The ending felt so abrupt. What happens with Hannah? What happens with Marshall? If nothing else some kind of epilogue would have been nice maybe? I do appreciate that I'm seeing more and more books focusing on mental health and mental health in teens because it is such an important topic and I don't want anyone, especially teens, to feel any kind of shame in reaching out for help if and when they need it.

I have to say, this is my first book I've read by Lauren Miller but I liked it enough that I would read more by her. I enjoyed her style of writing. My eleven year old is reading the book now because she has an anxiety disorder and struggles working through it and she wanted to read it so we'll see what she thinks!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Budgeting sucks, math is hard, and adulting blows.

As we enter the month of June I feel like I'm getting my ass handed to me by life and adulthood in general. We were doing really well with budgeting and then we had some pretty hard core expenses come at us.
  • Lucy had to have an ECHO, and it turns out she's totally OK (yay!) but that was just over $3300, and we of course don't have that kind of money just laying around. 
  • Our refrigerator died the day after I bought $300 worth of groceries. Because it somehow knows it, right? Fortunately it happens the day my dad just happened to be in town and my parents were able to finance one for us because we absolutely couldn't because we would literally be without a refrigerator even still. Not kidding. 
  • I, very stupidly, mistakenly made my hotel reservation for my Mayo Clinic appointment for the wrong day and didn't realize it until the very last minute. I couldn't get a refund but I was (thankfully) still able to secure a room for the correct day, so I got to pay for the same room twice. 
  • I didn't realize that an oil change without a coupon costs $80. Guess you won't ever forget the coupon EVER AGAIN? This gal. (I also won't ever go almost a year between oil changes either because as it turns out, I got the overly enthusiastic mechanic who lectured me the entire time. It really reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where the mechanic drives off with Jerry's car because of his lack of commitment to car care. I feel like had I gotten out of the van, that would have happened.) 
  • I did not plan out summer activities well at all and so I am scrambling to have enough money for summer dance, summer birthday parties the kids go to, fun things, and the tennis class I wanted to sign Jackson up for. 
  • We are going to Florida at the end of June, come hell or high water, and I'll be honest, I opened a credit card just to go. I KNOW. I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THIS IS. I don't want, or need, the lecture. I know how terrible and irresponsible this is. But then I think, life is short and we are going to go. I know I'm going kick myself in the ass come August, but we have to get the hell out of here. I'm suffocating. We need something fun and I just can't care anymore. So we are literally throwing caution to the damn wind. 
I figure I'll worry about adulting later. I just can't. I have too much happening at once and it's suffocating me. I keep saying it because I mean it. It's too much. 

Today is the big kids' last day of school and all of the emotions. Jackson is going to be a fourth grader next year which feels... it overwhelms me. But not as much as Olivia being a sixth grader. Between that and realizing I'm only two months away from Lucy turning one, which means it's only two months since the anniversary of my AFE, it's a LOT. And I honestly didn't think it would be a thing. I really didn't. I saw other survivors talk about it and I wondered why they talked about it with such weight and now I get it. It's heavy. I feel terrified and I don't know why. Every time I think about it I cry and I get scared. What am I going to be like on her birthday?! Is it just going to get worse the closer I get? I don't know. But yes. I just want to get through today, helping Olivia finish out elementary school, she looked nervous leaving for school this morning. Thinking of her today.