Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Parents piss me off.

I need to stop watching TV and paying too close attention to people because I just get pissed off. Let's chat about things that make me want to stab parents.

1. Toddlers & Tiaras: I think I've talked about this before, but since there isn't shit on TV I was stuck watching a full episode of this show. Have you seen it? Because it's awful. There was not ONE parent featured on that show that is doing anything positive for their kids. Let's be clear: any kid under the age of 18 is not really informed on what it means to be in a pageant or what future consequences may be. There's a business side to a pageant and no kid knows anything about that. The fact that people are spending thousands of dollars on this shit when you don't have six months of expenses saved in your bank account? Reckless. You aren't teaching your daughters about inner beauty- you are dressing them like whores and making them look like tiny prostitutes. Not one of those girls on that show didn't look like strippers and they don't even have complete language skills yet.

Not to mention- those girls are fucking brats. I will tell you what- if either one of my kids ever pitched a fit like these girls pitch? Holy hell. We'd pack our shit up and go home. There should be follow up shows on these girls, with their behavior and the idiot parents and I'd bet you those girls grow up to be complete bitches. And candidates for 16 and Pregnant.

2. Guess what doesn't equal love? Presents. Yeah, I'm talking to you lady on Facebook who buys her kids designer everything and spends all of your extra money on gifts and things for your kids. Guess what? Nobody thinks this makes you a good parent. Especially when your kids are running around like brats, hitting you, and calling other kids dummies and buttholes. We are all shaking our heads at you because you're a moron.

3. Parents? If your kid is under 16, they should not be on Facebook. I swear on your life if one more of your kids try to friend me? I'm going to accept and post nothing but inappropriateness and foul language.

4. I'm kind of over hearing teenagers bitch about their lives. Especially when they don't pay their own bills, they have no idea what life is going to be like for them when they are actually on their own, and it's kids like that where I wish their parents would go hardcore and take it all away. You don't like the car you don't pay for? Take the fucking bus. You don't like only getting $150 spending money a month? Get a fucking job and earn it. And then contribute to the house.

5. Have you seen the show Monsters In Law? Holy awesomeness, lambwhores! It's amazing and you cannot look away. These are families who are so fucked up I wish I could go to one of their holidays. You have in laws screaming, hitting, plotting, and basic mayhem happening. All because they just don't like each other? I have just added another favorite to my DVR list.

6. Did you see that video online (I can't find it again) of those two toddler boys singing an anti-gay song at a church? It's times like this that I think forcing your children to accept your bigoted views should be constituted as child abuse. Olivia was asking me yesterday if a girl could marry another girl, or if a boy could marry a boy? I replied, "Well, it depends on where you live. Some places don't let you do that." And how do you answer her when she asks why? Because for me to tell her, "Because some people aren't very nice." seems kind of inadequate. But what blows me away? Is when she says to me, "I don't think that's nice. If you love someone, you should be able to get married. Everybody should get to be a princess for a day." Um, proud mama moment right there. Considering this is the first time we've ever had a same sex relationship talk.

OK. So there's my Wednesday ranting for ya. Night, bitches.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

She zooms with zest.

I took a self imposed internet exile this weekend because in basic terms: it was a shit weekend and I discovered that a good clue that you're in a depression valley is that you lock yourself in your room and cry while reading several books over the course of three days. But, as with the beginning of any week, I put my big girl panties on and made it through an entire day without random crying so we're going to go ahead and mark it a win.

But the weekend wasn't all shit. On Friday, Olivia graduated kindergarten (though they go to school until June 6, so that's weird). My girl is a complete 180 from the girl who started school in September. That Olivia was shy, wouldn't talk to strangers at all, would just stand in front of a crowd and fake it. But this Olivia? She not only went up to welcome people (with two other girls whoa are also are Student Council ambassadors), but she SANG and DANCED in her show. I almost started crying but I kept it together because she explicitly told me not to cry because it would be embarrassing.

 But the morning of, I wanted to get a picture of her all pretty and adorable before school started. I made her wear foam curlers to bed because lord knows I can't work a curling iron to save my life.
 Olivia was thrilled to see me in the front row like the spastic parent I am. And you know I'm there singing the songs with her, which I'm sure she found completely mortifying.
 Not going to lie, when I heard all of the kids sing the Zelda Zebra song, and pretend to gallop on bleachers? I almost started crying because they were all so god damn cute.
 Then they all got diplomas and I teared up but held it together. She even got a cool picture of her class.
 Afterwards they had cake and punch for everyone, but I obviously took that time to get a million pictures of Olivia and her best friends, Grace and Paige.
 Then, when we got home we had a family BBQ in her honor because let's face it- this kid is smart and cute and anyone who is smart and cute deserves a party. (AND, she's obviously my daughter and will find any reason to party. Which should be fine until you know, like high school and college.)
 I even made Matt do his fatherly duty and take a picture with his daughter who looks just like him.
And of course, the three of us. She is such a good girl and I could not have asked for a better daughter. She is so excited to be going to first grade and I'm feeling like crap about it. I feel old and I feel like there's no way she could possibly be a first grader yet. *sigh*

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Things that are making me happy today despite being pissed off and stressed out.

Folks, not going to lie- this week sucks balls. And not even in a could-potentially-be-a-good-thing-ball-sucking-way, but more of a I'm-going-to-kill-someone-and-I'm-not-because-I-just-mopped-my-floors-and-don't-have-energy-to-do-it-again-to-cover-up-crime kind of way. I'm not going to blog about it but just know Matt is on my last my fucking nerves and it's weeks like this where I question if I should just get out now before I'm no longer a MILF and have potential.


But the highlights to this week have been the following:

 Jackson is quite possibly, the cutest little boy ever. Have I ever mentioned that? I forgot I took these pictures of him last Friday and when I was going through my photos this week I found them and they made me laugh. He likes to show me how strong he is now that he's four.
 He had me buy him tank tops specifically to show off his muscles. He's kind of adorable.
 I have an empty laundry basket today. I took a picture as motivation that it IS possible to get to the bottom.
 Olivia is trying so hard to write out full pages of stuff and is so proud of herself for sounding out words. So yesterday this was in her school folder and you know I kept it.
 But the gem? The gem was this card she made for Matt. Here's the outside.
 And this is the inside. HA! She told everyone in her class about the deck and how her dad built it and that someday he was going to just build her a house. Um, yeah. I don't want to tell her that probably won't ever happen at this rate.
 I really fucking love my $20 bowl that is now wall art from IKEA. I saw this in a magazine, passed it up at IKEA twice and then decided to hell with it all, I'm going to blow $20 on a bowl that isn't even functional and hang it precariously on my wall. Next to my second favorite wedding picture that can only be hung since it's little leg to sit on a table broke.
 And before all of the rain we got in the last three days struck, my yard was looking kind of fabulous. While standing on my deck, I appreciated the neighbor's big ass flowering tree and my bipolar lilac bush that only flowers in weird patches. Never the whole bush, god for fucking bid you do what you're supposed to, just patches.
And then the other side of my yard has my weird-everybody-told-me-it-was-dead flowering tree that has come back after spending hundreds of dollars in weird flowering bush stakes. See employees of Menards? You were WRONG. (On a side note: isn't my yard huge?? I kind of love how huge my yard is. We bought this piece of shit house because it has a yard worth having. But we need a fence. And I have a post about why coming soon.)

So the week isn't total shit, but for the most part it is.

Olivia graduates kindergarten tomorrow (yet still goes to school until June 6. Explain that, bitches.) and we're having a family BBQ at our house. The deck has become somewhat of an ark because the entire yard is Lake Strand at the moment so it might get cozy on the deck. OR, we can eat inside of course. But because I have family coming over to my house I get all weird and neurotic and clean like a mother fucking crazy person. I made a new macaroni salad which I'm worried about, orange flavored cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, I cleaned everything in my house, four loads of laundry, got Olivia's lunch for tomorrow packed, managed to get Olivia's hair into curlers before bed tonight, and now I'm going to sign off to shower and read for a bit. *yawn*

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Shit my husband does to piss me off.

I know I have talked about my OCD tendencies before and so it should come to no surprise to you when I share my hate for one of Matt's annoying habits he does out of sheer laziness. And most of you are going to be all, "Sara? Really? Is this what it comes down to once your married?"

Yes, bitches. It does. It does because this is something that drives me NUTS.

Everybody knows that when you take something off a clothes hanger, you move that hanger to the end of the closet so all of your empties are hanging out together. Obviously.
 But Matt doesn't do that. He often leaves them like this. Just hanging in the mother fucking wind. Which is annoying enough. But then he also just leaves empty ones mixed in with his clothes. This makes me angry when I go to hang up my clothes and I'm like, "Shit- are we out of hangers? Why, that can't be! We have one for everything! Who is eating the hangers?!"
 And then I have to dig through all of HIS clothes to find hangers.
That's what I found just yesterday. He's lucky I didn't stab him with them.

That's the thing about marriage- after awhile, it's the little things like this that set you over the edge and make you twitchy in a bad way. I'm a very neat and organized person and every time Matt does stuff like this, knowing full well the extent of my crazy, it drives me nuts. It's like he doesn't even recognize his life could be in danger should this happen on a particularly bad PMS day.

So that's my rant for the evening. I feel better now that I've shared another piece of crazy with you.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Black Keys. Amazing.

You know I'm a fan of live music. I have seen a LOT of concerts and I always say concerts are a hobby and it's at the top of my list. Every time a good concert comes along, I always have to scramble to find a date and I have decided that I need more friends who are music enthusiasts because nobody is ever as excited about these shows as I am and that kind of sucks.  But my mom is kind of amazing and she's up for almost anything and when I saw that the Black Keys were coming, I knew she was going to be my date. 

Let me just start by saying my mom's Facebook status says it all of this concert: "still recovering from The Black Keys concert that my fav daughter took me to Tues. night in Minneapolis! That was the best concert I have seen in years!! They are now in the top 5 concerts I have been to. And that is saying a lot because they are in the company of The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath... Thanks for the good time Sar! :>)"

Now, the fact my mom has seen all of those bands makes her badass and me jealous, but for her to say that about this concert? Huge. This concert was easily one of my top shows ever, not surpassing Kings of Leon in Chicago though. 

I was kind of worried where our seats would be, but you can see we were on the side not too far. We actually had a great view of the stage. Plus, it was ridiculously loud, as it should be. 
 I love nerdy boys, so my love for Dan and Pat are kind of unmatched. Pat is a beast on the drums and Dan's voice is like butter to me.
 One of my favorite songs, Ten Cent Pistol, was awesome to see live because they turned the lights totally down and then flashed them towards the end. Such a great song and I've had it in my head for days.
 But my hands down favorite part of the show? When they did their first encore song, Everlasting Light. That is a great song anyways, but anytime you add a disco ball to the mix? You have a winning performance. Every bad should haul out a disco ball because a disco ball is kind of awesome.
 And then add colored lights for those around us who were high with their ninja pot smoking skills.

If it were practical to have a disco ball in my house, you know I absolutely would. 

The only down side to this was getting home at 1am and having to work the next day. Then, because I am an idiot, I took a Benedryl at work for allergies and I was even more tired. But to my credit, this is the first time in my LIFE I have ever had a pollen allergy and I feel like I am getting my ass kicked by plants. Seriously. It's unbelievable to me that I can make it until I'm 30 without an allergy to speak of and the year I start I feel like I am going to die and that pollen is actively trying to attack me. So I'm kind of an allergy medicine retard, but I at least know why everyone is hard core about non drowsy. Sheesh. 

Anyways. I'm still recovering from my lack of sleep but it was absolutely worth it. And it makes me kick myself even more for not buying tickets the last time they were in town even though I would have had to pay scalper prices. It obviously would have been worth it. 

Friday, May 18, 2012

Half Naked Men. Holla.

So last Friday, I got together with some of my favorite friends (Tammy, Emily and Amy) to see the Chippendales. There is so much that I can write about that evening, but I'm going to try to give you a good idea how it was without taking forever.

First off, we ate at the buffet at the Hinckley Casino. Um, worst decision ever- that shit be foul. FOUL. I couldn't even look forward to the dessert bar because even that was shit. About 3/4 of the dessert bar was unrecognizable so I couldn't eat it. But there were highlights to this dinner:
 Toward the end of our meal, a really unattractive looking middle aged couple who looked as if they lived in a trailer that they possibly haul around sat next to us. With a mother fucking ANIMAL CARRIER. In a restaurant. The fact that the restaurant was even OK with this should be alarming to anyone.
 Also special was our waitress. I only got a blurry shot of her here, but she was straight out of 1974. She pretty much told us that she went to the Chippendales "back when you could really touch them" and that was  all sorts of creepy.

Then we walked through the smokiest casino ever and made our way to the show area. We got semi decent seats in the section to the side of the stage. But let me tell you something- as my first time seeing male strippers, I felt grossly over dressed. I didn't slut it up like I wanted to because I felt fat that day, but I felt like I still looked cute. But the majority of these women were wearing very little and almost all of them should have been wearing more because we don't want to see your vagina.

The men on the show were pretty attractive for the most part. There were only two that were big non turn on's for me. First up, Kevin.

I have to be honest- long hair on a guy does nothing for me. Also what does nothing for me? Giant moles on the back of your thigh near your ass. Fail.

Next up? Bryan.

Bryan, let's have a chat. First up, you can't sing. I know you are on this tour primarily as the man who sings to top 40 hits while others strip to thongs. I know you apparently made it to the semi finals of America's Got Talent but I am telling you that you cannot sing. Also not attractive? The fact you have YOUR initials tattooed to your lower abdomen. I'm sorry, what's that about? It's not hot. It's kind of cheesy as fuck and not attractive.

The best part of the show was watching a woman give a blow job to a banana like a god damn PRO. If I could have gotten a lesson from her, I'd be making a lot of money right now. She even blew the damn strippers away because that lady knew what she was doing.

Obviously the best part of the entire show was laughing my ass off until I had tears rolling down my face. I just can't take any many seriously while he gyrates like that. I just can't. But I had such a great time because it was my first time and it was so cheesy, it was a really fun time.

On Saturday, my mom and I had our yard sale for the majority of the day and I got sun burned. That's not hot. But later that evening, Tammy and I decided that we would go to another casino to see the Thunder From Down Under.

Um, yes please. I figured that these guys are a little more my speed because I have a thing about half naked boys in jeans. I can't help it.

The best part of this event were the people. Holy jesus. I though that the hot mess women on Friday were bad, oh they had NOTHING on the ladies from Saturday. First up, this group of women were far more rowdy than on Friday. I made friends with three drunk girls next to me. The one who's name was Sara as well was 35 and unhappily married as she slurred to me. So, yay. She dumped most of her drink into my shoe as well as her pickle. Yeah, this chick had a pickle in her cosmopolitan, and it felt into my shoe. That was kind of awkward.

But what Tammy and I did not know was that the men actually came out into the crowd to rub themselves on you, they want you to shove money down their thongs, they hug you, you will be violated. If you have a personal space issue, you absolutely should not go to this show. I'm just sayin.
But before I get onto the men, check out this fat bride. Now, this chick was wearing a corset at LEAST two sizes two small. The strings were yelling for help and her friends had to take turns re-tying her in because it would just come apart. She was very big and was very much spilling out. She also had this cheap white boa that was loosing it's feathers so at the end of the night it looked as if she had suffocated a chicken with her thighs.

So onto the men, bitches!

Dave was kind of hot.

But my favorite? I would have done filthy things to him right then and there to Benny the emcee.

Admittedly, I have a thing for boys with mohawks. He had kind of the alt rocker/bad boy/cocky/funny hot guy combination which was always kind of my weakness. And then you through on an accent and yeah. Cleanup in row 3, seat 2 please.

But this show was insane. The men would come out and dance badly, take off clothes, then come out to the crowd and you'll get your ass slapped, boob grabbed, hugged, gyrated against, etc. The great thing was that the drunk girl next to me kept giving me money to shove down men's pants. I'm sorry, but who is going to turn that down? So I got my hand down some pants, I got a hug from Dave (see above) and he slapped my ass. So win.

It was a good weekend. If male strippers come again, I would totally go. I laughed so hard at  both shows and totally got into the filthy woman role. It was a great time and Tammy totally said she'd go with me again. HA. Desperate housewives unite.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Deck, Shitty Gardening, and Matt's new motivation.

I know you want another deck progress report and I aim to please bitches. This weekend we had a massive yard sale and with our earnings, we bought some stuff for the house. This means I learned what stair stringers were. And then Jeebus gave us stairs.
Look at that four foot section of stairs!
We still need to put the stair railings on, but hey- at least I don't have to jump off the deck to take the garbage and recycle out!
But you're probably curious about Matt's solution for the gap?
As it turns out, there was no solution. So the gap will remain forever and ever. I tried not to be angry about this obvious fuck up. So I took it out on my planter.
Every year I start with good intentions on this planter and every year it's a mother fucking fail. But since the lovely Shannon is all hard core about yard care, I figure I need to give it another try. So I pulled out everything in it, put new soil in it, and some petunias.
So far, the petunias are still alive. But check back in a month, I bet they will be dead. Sorry petunias.

In other news, I have been thinking of new ways to motivate Matt to continue with the home improvement projects. And then yesterday, a crazy woman in Superior gave me the idea I needed.
On 21st Street in Superior, this bitch took it to the next level. As it turns out, her divorce that she filed last July finally became final this week. And so to celebrate, she put her ex husband's stuff out in the yard, decorated his junker truck, and then hid out in her house.
Because you know hoards of people came by to take pictures.
And apparently, the pile of shit was much larger earlier in the day and people actually were taking things off of the pile.
At the end of the afternoon, the truck ended up being towed. The sad part is that they have kids and so that's shitty. I mean, kids don't need to know that their dad is a fucking cheating douchebag, but on the other hand- I want to buy this lady a beer. How many women have been angered and wronged... and wanted to do this? I think we've all been there and most of us didn't have the guts to do it. So good for her.

Matt feels a little more motivated, so good for me as well.

The Exceptionals (GIVEAWAY)

I have another post for you this evening, but here is a book review for something I've read recently that I think you will really like.

The Exceptionals- Erin Cashman

In a famous family of exceptionally talented people, fifteen-year-old Claire Walker is ordinary . . . or so she leads everyone to believe. Yet the minute she steps out of line, her parents transfer her to Cambial Academy: the prestigious boarding school that her great-grandfather founded for students with supernatural abilities, or “specials”. Although Claire can’t see ghosts or move objects with her mind like the other students, she does have a special she considers too lame to admit: she can hear the thoughts of animals.
Just as she is settling in, one by one the most talented students – the Exceptionals – go missing. In an attempt to find out what happened to them, Claire uncovers a dark prophecy involving a plot to destroy Cambial and a mysterious girl who can communicate with a hawk. Could she be that girl? Does the gorgeous but secretive boy she meets in the woods know more than he is letting on? After years of ignoring her special gift, Claire decides the time has come to embrace her ability . . . before it’s too late.
I am a big fan of books that have supernatural stuff in it, though I never would have thought so. I flew through this book within a handful of hours because this book was that good. It's obviously set up for at least a sequel, but I would love it if this became a three book series. But this is basically about a young girl who has to go to a school that she doesn't really want to go to and she doesn't really fit in. Everybody has a really cool special talent or ability, but she doesn't. She can hear and talk to animals but her parents don't encourage her to pursue it, but it isn't until later when Claire realizes why. I kind of loved Claire. Usually the lead character gets on my nerves, but I really liked Claire. She falls in love with a bad boy, who you know is bad but when you find out what he's involved in, it's really bad. All of the characters were developed really well and not to the extent where pages are wasted on useless information. 
This is Erin Cashman's first novel, which is surprising to me because it is really well done. You can go HERE to see the Facebook page for this book, and HERE for Erin Cashman's website. I am eagerly awaiting the follow up, that's for sure. 
But one of you can win your own copy of this book! Here are your entry points and good luck!
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