The reflection of four.

Lucy turns four on Saturday and what I am not going to do is talk about my AFE on her birthday and what that has been like for me. So on Saturday come back here and I'll have a special post about Lucy and how great she is, plus we can all admire how beautifully adorable she is. 

Because that's just a fact. 

Today though, I'm going to talk about what this means for me. (If you're new around here or have no idea what I'm talking about when I say AFE, you can go HERE to catch up.) On Facebook earlier this week I shared this and it made me pause. 

I have spent a good chunk of the last four years trying to get people to understand that right now the concept of be grateful has nothing to do with trying to heal from trauma. Being grateful doesn't make my trauma go away. It doesn't make the depression go away, the PTSD, the panic attacks, the anxiety, the fear, the feeling of not wanting to be here, none of that goes away whether I am grateful or not. 

Even after four years I am still sad. I still feel terror when I see a pregnant woman. A small baby sometimes makes me cry. I still feel angry. 

I am angry it happened at all. 

I am angry my life isn't the way I worked for. It isn't what I wanted at all. I don't even feel like this is my life anymore. 

I am angry that I missed out on Lucy's every first because I don't remember any of it. What kind of God lets a person survive this and then robs you of memories? To make me feel like a constant disappointment to my children when I can't remember important things or share in their memories? To make me always wonder if I'm as good of a wife as I was? 

I cry all of the time. I cry because I'm sad. I cry because some days I don't know what I'm doing. I cry because some days I don't want to be here anymore. I cry because I feel guilty. I cry because I feel like a prisoner in someone else's life. I cry because I'm crying and because I'm angry. 

I cry because I'm not grateful. 

I am angry and I cry because I'm not better. I'm angry there is no such thing as "better". I am so sad that I never feel well. I always hurt. I am always so tired I can barely function. I am angry my memory is awful. I'm really angry that I am so short tempered and angry and that my family sees it. I'm feel so deflated because I keep trying and trying and still, I'm running in place. Its like I'm running uphill but I never reach the top. I hate complaining about my life because I KNOW people are out there who have it worse, but my therapist absolutely hates when I say that because its downplaying my reality. I will say that I would take all of the pain and ailments if it meant Lucy could stay healthy. Anytime she gets sick or worse I feel guilty. Its an endless wheel of thoughts of what I messed up when I was pregnant, how did I fail her? 

I am angry people still push their stupid essential oils on me like that's going to fix me. I'm angry people tell me if I just did a specific thing I would be cured. I'm angry people suggest memory games for me and assume I haven't tried them. Or maybe they think I just didn't try hard enough. Yeah, its probably that. Maybe I should just try harder and suddenly my brain and body will snap together and be normal. 

I am angry people talk about me like I'm not trying hard enough. I am angry these people can't see me on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night crying. That they can't see me in my therapy sessions trying so hard. I am angry they can't be in my body just to feel what its like to feel like you have the worst flu of your life every day. I'm angry that they can't see me in the shower sobbing almost every day because I am so emotionally exhausted from just going through a day. 

The only thing I know for certain, the only thing I know for sure with every bone in my body, is that Matt is my person. I know I'm lucky that he has stuck around, that he still loves me. I'm not always a pleasant person and I know that. It has to be hard for him to know I need so much help and some days, some days I just can't do it at all. I also know my kids are pretty damn great. I couldn't have a better set of kids even if I handpicked them. I constantly feel like I'm failing them but how do you explain to them that my best is really crappy and I'm sorry? 

I'm really struggling this week, as I always do this time of year, and I'm trying so hard to fake it. 

I wish I had the same connection with my family as I do with Lucy. It's not that she is my favorite or anything like that, she is the only person who knows what it was like. Some days I am grateful babies can't remember their birth and then other days I wish she did so I wouldn't feel crazy alone. Isn't that messed up? It feels messed up. I know there are other survivors and I've friended many and I listen to every one of their stories, some are similar to mine in ways but we are all different. Some days it helps but other days it makes me feel more alone. I'm surrounded by so many and I have never felt more alone. 

But I'm here. I'm acknowledging that I am here, I have worked so hard to stay here, and being here is an accomplishment. I might still be running uphill in a storm but nobody can say I'm not hanging onto every rock and branch so I don't fall. Because I might be a lot of things, but I don't want to be a failure too. I also know that nobody has the right to make me feel worse, to make me feel more guilty. So I guess I'm learning things, too. 

So here we are, four. I don't know if things will get better. I'm no longer in that "give it time, it'll get better" optimistic phase, I've moved firmly into the "its shit and that's OK" phase. I'm not even sorry about it. I'll just keep swimming, surely I'll wash up somewhere. 

Book Review: First & Then

I can't believe I haven't given you the review for this one! I don't think it comes to anyone's surprise I picked this one solely for the cover, it is absolutely stunning and colorful. I'm a sucker for a rainbow, lambs. 

First & Then - Emma Mills

Devon Tennyson wouldn't change a thing. She's happy watching Friday night games from the bleachers, silently crushing on best friend Cas, and blissfully ignoring the future after high school. But the universe has other plans. It delivers Devon's cousin Foster, an unrepentant social outlier with a surprising talent for football, and the obnoxiously superior and maddeningly attractive star running back, Ezra, right where she doesn't want them: first into her P.E. class and then into every other aspect of her life.

Pride and Prejudice meets Friday Night Lights in this contemporary novel about falling in love with the unexpected boy, with a new brother, and with yourself.

With the school year coming up this one has all of the vibes you'd expect from a high school based young adult novel. We have Devon, slumming it through high school, with a best friend named Cas who she has a crush on. Her cousin Foster (who I kind of wondered if he was maybe on the autism spectrum?) comes to live with her family after his parents have issues and its under the guise of temporary. Foster finds out by accident that he's a really great football kicker so he finds himself on the team, being coached by Ezra, the football star of the school. 

High school happens and then we have relationship switcha-roo and mostly Devon learns that a person isn't just what is face value. All kinds of life lessons. 

Let's talk review though, this book was a bit slow for me. I kept waiting for something big to happen and it never really did? Devon was the selfish in the way that teenagers are by nature, and she makes assumptions of people and get embarrassed when it turns out she wasn't right at all and in fact. I didn't totally love Cas, but he's a typical teenage boy. I really loved Foster and he actually ended up being the star of the book for me. I was most tuned into him and I wanted to know about his life before he came to live with the Tennyson's, and when he has his "big moment" in the book my heart broke for him in both a bad and good way. I actually really liked Ezra because if there was ever a character who had a lot on his shoulders and for no reason and every reason at the same time, it was him. He was far too good for Devon and this could have, should have, been his book. Devon was easily the least interesting person in this book and that was the shame. 

Now, does it compare to a Jane Austin in modern day? I don't know, Jane Austin wasn't ever my thing. COME AT ME, DON'T CARE. I didn't love this one but I can absolutely see why this would be a hit with teens and mega fans of young adult alike. I felt like the author did a good job capturing the atmosphere of high school and the confusing first feelings with crushes and first love, raging hormones, and teen angst. It was primarily Devon's character that brought this down for me. 

⭐⭐⭐

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Book Round-Up: Cruel, Crows, Non-Fiction

Is anyone else in awe that July is almost over? Anyone? I'm organizing back to school lists, going through clothes to make sure everyone has pants that fit, I'm getting half done projects off of my desk and craft tables and finishing up books left and right. There aren't enough days in the week for me to do a book a day sometimes, so let's do another round up!

Cruel Acts - Jane Casey

Leo Stone is a killer. A year ago, he was convicted of murdering two women and sentenced to life without parole. But now, a juror from his trial has revealed the jury was prejudiced, and a retrial is called.

Detectives Maeve Kerrigan and Josh Derwent are tasked with re-examining the evidence. Before long, they uncover links between Stone and a possible third victim.

But with Stone behind bars, a fourth woman disappears in similar circumstances. Is there a copycat killer out there, or have they been wrong about Stone from the start? And will Maeve discover the truth before another innocent victim is killed?

While this was the eighth book in the Maeve Kerrigan series, it was definitely a stand alone since it was my first. I got a little confused with Josh was introduced because clearly there is a backstory between the two but we got enough that I had an idea and honestly, it doesn't matter because this case is enough on its own. We have a man who was convicted on some pretty horrible murders, possibly being let out because of some mistakes on the original trial. Maeve and Josh are tasked with going over EVERYTHING again to convict him for good. Except as they start digging things aren't so clear and suddenly another woman goes missing with the same MO. If you are a fan of Law & Order, you will love this one. I flew through this one in one night because this kind of stuff is right up my alley. I loved the ending, the solving of the mystery. I can't say that I saw this one coming but I knew the beginning of the book felt... off... so I'll give you that clue. There were some things set up for a book nine for Maeve, so I think we'll be seeing her again soon. It definitely makes me want to read the other books because this was pretty entertaining and definitely a page turner. ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Six of Crows - Leigh Bardugo

Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can’t pull it off alone. . . .

A convict with a thirst for revenge

A sharpshooter who can’t walk away from a wager

A runaway with a privileged past

A spy known as the Wraith

A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums

A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes

Kaz’s crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don’t kill each other first.

Well, lest you think I can get through everything, this one was a DNF for me. I know, I hear all of you gasping out there because this book is much beloved all over Instagram and I just.... I couldn't get into it. I ended up DNF'ing it once I got to the point where they are just beginning this journey and I discovered there is a book two and I thought, nope. Nope, I cannot trudge my way through this only to have to read a second one like this. HARD PASS. The author spent so much time with meaningless details and every once in awhile we're reminded that all of the characters are in their teens, which only made this more insane. It didn't make sense at all. The mission itself doesn't make sense either and frankly, it seems more work than its worth. Of course, that's just me. I just couldn't get into this and if I have to spend half the book reading for it to get good, I'm going to toss it because there are far too many great books out there to waste my time on this. I do think if you are generally a fan of YA fantasy, you'd likely enjoy this one a lot more than I did. ⭐

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? - Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

The first book for the millions of daughters suffering from the emotional abuse of selfish, self-involved mothers, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? provides the expert advice readers need to overcome debilitating histories and reclaim their lives.

Interesting story on this one. So YEARS ago, possibly before I even had kids maybe, this woman was on either Oprah or Dr. Phil talking about her book and just narcissistic people in general and the topic was so interesting to me because I had never heard of it before, so I wanted to read this. Not surprisingly, not bookstore around me carried it and I wasn't as big of a reader as I am now so I didn't have any need to purchase it. Fast forward until last year, there was the annual library sale and in the piles of non-fiction was this one, in brand new condition (minus a sticker I was able to peel off easily), and I have read a chapter here and there for kind of awhile. I really liked this one and I remembered why I wanted to read it. The author does a really great job just explaining what it means to be a narcissist, but also how that behavior affects other people, but more particularly, their children. I highly recommend this one if you are a daughter of a narcissistic mother (obviously, because that's the sub-title..ha!) but also if you just want to know more about the subject. Areas of mental health are of interest to me and this was definitely a good one. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Ready to go shopping? I'm including the links for all of these, even Six of Crows because just because I didn't like it doesn't mean you won't. 

 

This post contains affiliate links. 

Weekend Wrap: Backpacks, Heat, Numbers

Phew, was it hot where you lived this weekend? It was HOT here. Like uncomfortably so and I say that as a snob who now lives somewhere with central air. In my head I know we've lived without this for all of time but now that we've experienced it I don't think I can go back. 

I also know I will never move somewhere that humidity is a year round thing because no. Absolutely not. 

Despite the heat, I felt productive at least. 

I spent some time at Target trying to find my vitamins, and I forget that they don't care them yet I go there EVERY MONTH looking for them. It angers me Walmart is the only one who has them at not $20/bottle but here we are. 

Anyways. 

I buy a little school stuff at a time so it doesn't make me cry at the end. This year I decided Penelope and Lucy would get a new backpack so that their old one could be used as a travel bag, thus saving me from emptying it out at 7:30 in the morning on a Monday because its loaded with treasures and rocks from Grandma's. I also realized with the new school structure both Penelope and Lucy would be eating lunch at school so new lunch boxes were purchased. 

Speaking of backpacks, I mentioned it on Instagram but I am that mean mom who will buy a back pack and it better last all of elementary school. I just can't see a reason to buy one every year, the kids know that it is their responsibility to take care of their things because you can just as soon carry stuff without a bag. The cost of back packs seems a bit ridiculous. I mean, almost $50?? Is this just what things costs now? I spent $20 for each bag and that felt ridiculous. I must be getting old because I'm getting cheaper and cheaper. 

Matt helped me grocery shop, too. I hate grocery shopping but Matt picks out the wrong thing or the most expensive thing, and I'm a control freak. I prefer having someone with me because I get easily disoriented and confused, I'll forget stuff, and it seems like when that happens I get SO tired, like I'm too tired to function. It's weird and inconvenient. So he helped and we came home and had s'mores. 

Lucy found one of her most favorite books ever and we've read it. A LOT. DON'T PUSH THE BUTTON is a super fun read and she loves it even though she knows most of the words without me. The cutest part is she always says "boop" when she pushes the button. 

Oh yes, we bought a shed. It came in. Matt has to build it. Ladies, get you a guy who can build stuff. It's so handy. We had a shed at our old house but it was a part of the sale, and the garage here is small, so we needed something to put bikes and all of the outdoor play things, chairs, etc. You know, the bulky things that make getting a snowblower out in the winter tricky. We pulled a permit, found a shed, and once its done we'll paint it to match. I'll paint, I think I can do that without messing it up. 

Olivia has been home because Matt has been home (they work together) so its been nice to have an unplanned long weekend. Clearly Twinky was living his best life with his girl. 

It got too hot outside for me so I came in and decided I was going to finish up some stuff on my table. I stopped for an M&M break and my friend said it isn't normal to sort them out. Whatever. It probably means I'm a genius or something. 

I managed to get all of the kids' scrapbooks done/updated with last school year's stuff. It was kind of sad because I had more room in Olivia's middle school one because I assumed she would have had more field trips, our DC/NYC trip, etc, but nope. The year was just it. So after that I sorted out some paper packs I had gotten for Christmas and my birthday from people and if you know me at all you know I LOVE Doodlebug Designs, so anytime I come across their things I get happy. This pack ended up being amazing and I've got ideas already. 

Then, I found this cute box and had no idea what was in it, turns out, just a bunch of things I've saved over the years. Matt said these cartoons were from calendars he would get me for my desk when I worked, these must have been favorites or something. 

I found the slip of paper Matt wrote his contact information down on before we started dating. I don't know why but I remember this and I had gotten sad because I thought it had gotten lost or tossed out by mistake but nope, I had it safe all along. 

I had a good time going through the box and just know that if you sent me something inspirational over the years that made me cry, its probably in this box. I really love finding things like this because its like a glimpse into who I used to be. Its a little sad too, because I want that life back but I know I have to just keep moving forward. 

With that, Lucy turns 4 on Saturday. I'm having an emotionally.... volatile week. Its just how it is this week every year, apparently. I'm sad. I feel like I have to run for no reason. I feel like I'm having phantom labor pains, that's as fun as it sounds. It's a strange experience. But today? Today is a real treat. 

*sarcasm*

I am eating a bunch of radioactive scrambled eggs this morning as part of a gastric emptying study to see if I have gastroparesis. Because why wouldn't I? It's rare and basically a "that's sucks, good luck" kind of thing. (Not totally true, there are some things to manage it but I'll get a new lifestyle and I can hardly contain my enthusiasm.)

I'll post an update when I can. Maybe even a picture of my eggs for memories. 

Book Review: The Jezebel

I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm in this reading slump right now. I was on such a roll this summer and I feel like I've slowed waaaaaaaay down. I am so glad I rallied for this one though. 

The Jezebel - Dylan Allen 

Stone Rivers is a sin I can’t commit.

After years of playing the trophy, puppet, perfectionist,

I’ve forgotten who I am.

Until the boy from my past walks back into my life.

Handsome as sin, charming beyond belief—Stone Rivers is temptation personified.

Our combustible chemistry shatters my resolve.

His blistering kisses remind me of everything I used to want.

But, our present is just as messy as our past,

And reckless as it may be, I can’t let him go.

My name is Regan Wilde.

I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter.

But Stone and I?

We’re a scandal in the making.

Let me start by telling you that I have a few books from Dylan Allen on my shelf, courtesy of The Bookworm Box, that I have yet to read, so this? This was how I popped my Dylan Allen cherry and LORD. I'm almost afraid to read any of the others because I can't imagine them being better than this. 

And I say that as someone who reads a lot of romance and I'm kind of a snob at this point, but I'm also getting lazier with age and pickier. 

I will tell you right out of the gate that this? This was 5 stars for me. Easily. 

This is very much the story of a couple of kids who meet when they are far too young to know what life would bring, but Stone knows right away that Regan is special. But fast forward. Now they are grownups, Regan has children to think about, married, and has kind of gone the way her family always meant for her to and Stone is... not in that lane, in fact he's a doctor and that's swell. 

BUT THEN. 

It becomes clear that once they come together that what is between them is really meant to be but is it? The entire thing is a scandal and could blow up badly if they don't tread carefully. The consequences are definitely there but you know what else is here? Passion and the absolute certainty that Regan and Stone are soulmates and could not be more in tune with each other. I absolutely loved this one and if there was ever a time I wanted a book to be a movie? *This is it, and I say that in my most girl squealing voice!!* 

I loved these characters, I loved the author's writing and so much of this is a gut punch and makes your heart squeeze. I cannot recommend this one enough. I'll have to read another one of the author's books on my shelf and if it is half as good as this, they might get moved up on my shelves to favorite author area. No joke. I loved it. 

A huge thank you to Social Butterfly PR for having me on this tour, I'm so glad I was on it! It's now going to make me read some more of my back list books that I'm so mad I've waited on! 

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Quiet weekend, stressed ending.

We are really fortunate that we have grandparents who are able (and willing) to take all four of our kids for two nights and it is SO great. It really is the best part of the summer. Its a little different this year since we can't do much, but we did go out a bit. 

On Saturday night, Matt was supposed to go to a cabin with his friends but decided to not because we were in the path of rather strong storms and he didn't want to camp in that. It was probably good he didn't because the storm WAS pretty intense. I'm a storm lover so it doesn't scare me much but I definitely don't want to camp in it! Since he was home and we had some time before the storms, we drove to Gordy's in Cloquet for dinner. It's a locally "famous" place and I've only gone a few other times, and it's always pretty good. We were fortunate to go early enough so we didn't have to wait long, and it was a pretty nice dinner out together. 

On Sunday we decided to try a pizza place in Duluth that is coming to Superior later this year, because I'm a fan of pizza, and it was pretty good. 

We also took a drive up Skyline Parkway and it was pretty nice out. Windy, but beautiful anyways. That bridge is one (of three) that connects Minnesota and Wisconsin over Lake Superior. We go over it so often we kind of forget how big and pretty it is. 

Can't forget the lift bridge, either. I kind of miss being able to be touristy and walk around. We drove through Canal Park and what a nightmare. Zero social distancing and as busy as I have ever seen it. Needless to say, we didn't get out. We ended up going to pick the kids up and coming home. 

When I came home I printed the plan our school district for the fall. I started picking through it and sigh. I knew this year was going to be difficult and I'm ready for it. (I think) The plan options (as of today) are a hybrid or all virtual model. The hybrid is what we are looking at, but the schedule is kind of wonky and confusing: 

Lucy: She would go to school two days a week and it would be Monday/Tuesday or Thursday/Friday. Which isn't the worst, but she also has speech therapy with an IEP, so I'm not sure how that is going to work for her.

Penelope: She would go to school four days a week, and it would be Monday/Tuesday AND Thursday/Friday. On Wednesday she would be doing a virtual learning thing on a district issued tablet or something. 

Olivia & Jackson: They would only be in person two days a week, and the other three would be virtual. They would be scheduled for Monday/Tuesday or Thursday/Friday. They would get a district issued laptop. 

Unless of course we choose an all virtual option for the kids, then they would still get the district issued technology, but wouldn't be in person at all. I know that Lucy and Penelope are going to struggle with a virtual option, and frankly, Penelope doing virtual on Wednesday is going to be a joke. I could barely get her to sit in front of a computer this spring, but to get her to talk or participate? Get out of here. Lucy just thinks its fun time. 

Olivia and Jackson can do virtual just fine, I'm fortunate there. They'll go up to their rooms, shut the door, and do their thing. I don't know how I would manage Penelope with Lucy running around, trying to help, doing her screeching thing, etc. I can't send Lucy to her room for hours, I don't have anyone to help me. Then I think about my friends who work, what are they supposed to do? Is the expectation that someone in their house quits their job to basically teach? I mean, how many jobs would be flexible with this kind of schedule?? The other side of the coin is the safety of everyone? Face masks are not going to be mandated but "encouraged", though I think that might actually change and I hope they do become required. I feel like the best option for my kids is to be IN school but what happens if they get sick? If I get sick? Is it selfish of me to keep them home because I don't want to get sick? Is it selfish of me to send them if one of their teachers get ill? 

It's minor and stupid, but when I saw I couldn't walk Penelope or Lucy to their classrooms on the first day of school, I cried. I cannot imagine dropping either of them off at school on their first day and having them walk into a building alone, and have to navigate where to go. Even IF they knew the teacher's name, they WILL forget. Even IF they had an open house to see where they go, they WILL forget. I can 100% guarantee that they will both be sobbing and screaming at the door despite being completely excited and ready for school. Never mind staff trying to then separate them and bring them to where they need to go? NOPE. I guarantee those two will cling to each other. 

Then I think, what if we do virtual? I have no idea how to do that. I know people say "we have time" but no, parents have to know. Either option is going to be a change to people's lives, lets give people time to make arrangements. There are circumstances and hundreds of questions we all have and our school board can't have an answer to everyone right now or see around every corner. Not to mention Jackson would rather just do virtual and do I say yes? Or do I say no, I want you to try? I just feel like every choice I make is a terrible one. 

What is everyone else doing? 

I'm so stressed out about it all. 

Catching You Up on Books: Julyish edition

I'm going to refer to everything as "Julyish" because I have no concept of time and I don't know what is going on anymore. That's where I am at. I also have stacks of books to talk to you about so it is time we do another round up! 

The Princess Rules - Philippa Gregory

These three stories were originally published under the titles Princess Florizella, Princess Florizella and the Wolves and Princess Florizella and the Giant.

They were originally dedicated to her daughter but have been reimagined in this edition which she has dedicated to her grandchildren.

“Princess Florizella was friends with some of the princesses who had studied the Princess Rules, and behaved just as the Rules said they should. Florizella thought their hair was lovely: so golden and so very long. And their clothes were nice: so richly embroidered. And their shoes were delightful: so tiny and handmade in silk. But their days bored her to death…”

Instead, Princess Florizella rides her horse, Jellybean, all over the kingdom, having adventures of her own…

A few things about this book I really liked, and if you are looking for a good book for your upper elementary school child to read, this would be a good one to get into. It says ages 8-12 but honestly, Olivia would have gotten into this ages 7-11, so just a slight adjustment. Also great is that this is three stories in one big book (I say "big" like its huge, it's just over 250 pages or so) and is written easily so kids can read this on their own with little help from you but it can also be a great book you read together. I love the versatility of it. I loved that Princess Florizella isn't going to follow the "princess norms" just because she's supposed to, she's brave and adventurous. The modern message is something girls should be getting. I'm not saying princesses don't have their value, I'm just saying that not every girl will identify with that and this is a great option for them, too. The best part is when Florizella says a princess is just a prince with more "s's" and they can be for sass, scientific, spirit, and a few more I can't remember. But I loved that, so much so that I feel like having this put on a print for my younger daughter's wall. 

I absolutely loved this one and it has such a great message through all three stories. My younger daughters loved this book and we had a few talks on what they think girls can and can't do and it just had a lot of talking points which were so great. It would even be an interesting classroom read. I gave this one 5 stars because its one I'd recommend for a school but also gift to someone as well. 

Harper360 sent me a copy of this for review and I'm so glad because this was out of the ballpark for me. 

Seven Sons - Lili St. Germain

My father was most certainly NOT an innocent man. As the leader of the Gypsy Brothers MC, he was guilty of many things. But he died for a crime that he didn’t commit, framed by an enemy within who then stole his club and everything he had ever worked to protect.

Including my innocence.

When Dornan Ross framed my father, he set into motion a series of events that could never be undone. My father was murdered by Dornan Ross and his sons when I was fifteen years old.

Before my father died, Dornan Ross and his seven sons stole my innocence, branded my skin and in doing so, ensured that their lives would be prematurely cut short. That they would suffer.

I’ve just turned twenty-one, and I’m out for blood. I'm out for revenge.

But I didn't expect to fall for Jase, the youngest brother in the club.

I didn't expect that he would turn my world upside down, yank my heart out of my chest and ride away into the sunset with it.

Now, I'm faced with an impossible choice - Jase, or avenging my fathers death?

I have no memory of how I got this one but I put it on my July TBR because it was small and I'm trying to get through back list books in between review books and new releases. It's a delicate balance. Anyways, this is very short, only 112 pages, but it is spread out over seven novellas. I have no idea if you can get all of them in one book or not and I'm not even going to try because this was terrible. 

I didn't like Juliette/Sammi at all right from the gate. I felt terrible for her and her back story is horrific (trigger warning as well because she is violently raped so if that's an issue for you- run fast). Her "plan" is shaky at best and it seems like she is every victim in Law & Order SVU that wants revenge and we find them dead at the end of the episode, we've all seen that. The character development seems a little confusing (the cop turned tattooist, is it a big-brother relationship/maybe something more, for example), it felt like the author was trying to be more crude/tough than it was needed and it felt corny, and I don't know. It's hard to get into a romance when she's having sex with her rapist, which I guess explores the topic of having an orgasm during a rape which increases a victim's shame, but the way this is done just felt off. I can definitely say I'm not invested in the story or any of the characters enough to read anymore. One star. 

The Ghost Factory - Jenny McCartney

A powerful debut set in Belfast and London in the latter years of the twentieth century.

The Troubles turned Northern Ireland into a ghost factory: as the manufacturing industry withered, the death business boomed. In trying to come to terms with his father’s sudden death, and the attack on his harmless best friend Titch, Jacky is forced to face the bullies who still menace a city scarred by conflict. After he himself is attacked, he flees to London to build a new life. But even in the midst of a burgeoning love affair he hears the ghosts of his past echoing, pulling him back to Belfast, crying out for retribution and justice.

Written with verve and flair, and spiked with humour, The Ghost Factory marks the arrival of an auspicious new talent.

I have to tell you that when I started this one I wasn't really sure what to expect. I can definitely say it isn't really like anything else I've read but I also had a hard time putting it down. It feels like it is starting rather slow but it quickly becomes obvious that the author was really building up Jacky's character, which was pretty integral to the story. Oddly though, my biggest complaint is that the rest of the characters aren't really built up like Jacky, which was confusing in a way. Is it because the point of the entire book was Jacky and him alone? Are we not meant to really understand anyone else, just focus on Jacky? Also, the story does a good job describing the area at the time, describing The Troubles (but not too much, I could have taken a little more on that) and just understanding how that entire region changed, and what life was like at that time. It was an interesting historical fiction that did have humor in it and kept me hooked until the end, and what an ending it was. Truly. 

I really liked this one because it wasn't really like anything else I've read and if you've bad attention lately, I'm struggling with reading the same story in different books- The Ghost Factory is its own thing. If you want something different to challenge you- this is where it is going to be. Another winner from Harper360 who sent me this in the mail, I have to give this one a solid 4 star. 

You know I'm a fan of shopping so I'm going to include some links here, which are affiliate links, so if you click on them and then purchase I'll make a few cents at no cost to you. I also have to remind you that just because I loved or didn't like a book doesn't mean you'll feel the same, so if you read any of these, let me know what you thought of them!

Chronicles of 2020, Julyish.

It feels like surely it can't be July but also... how is it only July? At this point in the summer I start buying school clothes and supplies. Honestly, I have no idea what to do at this point. I don't want to buy new jeans if we're going to be in pajamas. I don't want to buy nice supplies for classrooms if I'll make the kids use the busted crayons and almost dried up markers. It's a really stressful time. 

Let's talk about things that have been happening the first half of Julyish. 

We bought a new vacuum. Our died, well it runs but it doesn't suck anything up, so Matt found this beast. It works SO WELL. It also is so damn hard to push. I felt a little vindicated when Matt also could not push it. As it turns out, there is a thing you have to push with your foot for the brush or something and then you can push it. We are all morons. 

The mail carrier hates me. I'm sure of it. He used to say hello and be friendly and now he just rudely throws it down and doesn't say hi. It's not MY fault everything comes on the same day in a million packages from the same place and same order. 

Lucy has spent a lot of time as a super hero lately. Grandma made her a red sequin cape (which you can't see here) and we have a Wonder Woman mask from Penelope's costume and this is what we have. Until she runs into a wall or stubs her toe and then it's all over. 

My gastric exit scan is set for July 27 and I am not excited about it. Lately I have had so many issues eating fresh fruits and vegetables. I have been craving red grapes for weeks and I finally bought some. Ate them. Regretted it for days. I hope I don't have gastroparesis but honestly, it isn't looking good. 

We continue to catch the ice cream truck. Jackson and I have a system and we are both on our phones tracking the truck via GPS on their website. That's how intense the Friday ice cream truck excitement is. 

Jackson continues to be a HUGE help for me. He does a lot every day for me. Almost every morning I struggle to wake up, and then to move, so he is helping the girls get dressed (they do it but he supervises that they aren't wearing full fleece when its going to be 90 degrees) and breakfast. 

We do a lot of crafts. I am 100% done with craft time with the kids. I just have no patience for it like I used to and I don't know what's wrong with me. 

I sit in the yard and stare at this tree a lot. It's a pretty nice tree and it has a nice sound when the wind blows. I'm fully aware I sound nuts right now. 

The trampoline we ordered in February finally came! I shouldn't say finally because it clearly said it likely would be here in October, but it came and Matt got it set up. The little girls call it a "jumpolene" and it's freaking adorable. 

Olivia is all done with Upward Bound for the summer and guess where the annual trip is? HAWAII. They aren't sure if they are going during Winter Break or Spring Break. If it is winter break, our girl is going to Hawaii. I'm equal parts thrilled and completely jealous since that is Matt and I's dream trip. We don't have to pay anything, it is paid through the program so it such an opportunity. BUT. If it is during Spring Break she won't be able to go because our DC/NYC trip is rescheduled for then and there are no refunds so we are going. 

Other than that, we've been here. We're getting restless and sick of being home. The Covid numbers here are slowly going up because people aren't social distancing, wearing masks, staying out of the damn bars, so I'm getting worried about the start of school. I'm on the fence about all of it: on one hand I need these kids to leave the house and socialize and learn stuff but on the other hand, I have friends who work in schools and I'm really worried for them. It doesn't feel like there is a right answer, certainly nothing that will work for everyone. I'm sure every school in America is facing the same issues. 

That is the scoop here, nothing too exciting. 

Garden Update- ch, ch, ch, changes

Just know going into this that I'm giving you a lot of pictures, you're going to be here awhile. Go get a snack and a drink. 

Anyways. So, if you're new, you need to know I generally cannot keep plants of any kind alive. Quarantine got me trying new things and I figured if I'm going to be home all of the time, I can try a new hobby. Also, someone gave me an article about depression and how digging in dirt can help? I don't really remember but I figured at this point I'm willing to try unorthodox treatments. 

And if you're wondering, it definitely doesn't help with depression but increases my anxiety so I'm not sure if I'm ahead or more behind anymore .

Let us start with hibiscus. She has a sister in another area, and like a rookie, I planted them directly into the ground. If you pay attention you'll remember I live in northern Wisconsin, which is pretty far from tropical anything. Everyone has reminded me that this is going to die if I leave in the ground during winter. 

You'll be happy to know I purchased pots and good soil and I'm going to try to transfer them. I'm so worried I'll kill them. 

These were red lillies, I have two of these, and they had flowers which did their thing and then died and fell off. I cut back the brown like Google told me to do and this isn't a great photo but there are like, fat nubs... do you think they will flower again?!

Shasta daisy bush is doing the damn thing! It had one flower and a bunch of "we are being lazy and not blooming" things but look! It finally did something!

My second big bunch of delphinium (on the same plant) did its thing and it is so stinking pretty. It's like a purple/blue color. I just don't know how to keep it up. I mean, I guess I could do a tomato cage or something but what happens in nature? You don't have a bunch of cages in the woods or whatever, do they just droop? Is that what they do?

I have this rose bush by my bedroom window that had buds everywhere when we bought it and planted it. Then they just died and it has been a sad sack little bush. It was embarrassing itself, really. All of a sudden... there's a bud!

And an actual flower! Surprising because this plant had a tag saying I would be getting bright pink flowers and these are orange/yellow. Which I'm not hating. 

I have two smaller things of daisies which aren't failures but aren't as talented as their older sister down the house. 

I don't know what this is but it doesn't smell like anything like the tag said it would. But it also isn't ugly anymore so I'll take it. 

I will remember you..... will you remember me? (If you aren't singing Sarah McLachlan, get off my page, you don't belong here.) The lupine is done, I think, I really don't know if they like... bloom again. Again, the tags on plants were pretty off the mark on everything and these were supposed to be white. I had a white, a yellow, and a reddish one? It was bizarre but I'm not hating it. 

Oh, here is the other hibiscus sister. Honestly, I might keep this photo forever, look at those water droplets!

Oh yes. So I planted some hostas as filler whatevers. I bought FOUR OF THE SAME (of course, that is what the tag said but to be fair, they all looked the same when purchased). This one... is a runt. It is like the bastard child and the fact he isn't like the others is driving me crazy. 

The others are like these. There are these two, and on the other side, one of these and then the runt. He gets the same amount of everything and still he is a failure. 

Oooh... look at my dogwood! It is getting tall and I tried to go buy two more but they were all gone everywhere. 

Quick break to brag about my flamingo. I got him off of Amazon and no, I didn't pay that much for it. I wanted a pineapple one but I can't find them anywhere. But that's who I am now, I buy garden decor. 

Don't think the yard is bangin', either. I have this triangle wasteland. It is out of control. I pull stuff, it comes back twice as fast. It is insane. 

It isn't all crap though, I have a couple of lily plants doing their thing and looking pretty. 

I have a hollyhock, which I wanted more of but they are hard to find in stores but I'm going to take its babies it drops and plant them, hope for the best. 

We don't know what this is but it has thorns and I feel like maybe that mean it isn't total crap?

Same with this thing. If you think I'm growing something poisonous, let me know. HA!

Over by the driveway/alley there is one lone rose branch growing inside of a huge lilac bush. 

See? Isn't it pretty? I'm not sure how to help it so that's a problem for another year. 

I also have this L shaped corner. It really just needs to have weeds pulled, the snow on the mountain tamed, and things given room to do what plants do, but I just don't think that is in the cards this year. Maybe a little bit. 

I do know there are these pretty rose bushes. It looks like there are two in there but it could be just one big one, too. 

I do like these purple things that I have no idea what they are. 

I think these might be more daisies!

Oh yes. I love this yellow plant. I think it is too late to save the hosta this year, but maybe next year I'll try to separate them. Who knows. 

I thought it was a rabbit eating my hosta on the other side and you guys, I think it might be the deer. Someone told me hosta is like crack for deer. Look what they did to my baby!

The original victim is coming back nicely. 

I don't know what this is. It was $2 in a clearance bin and I'd like for it to do something already. 

OH! I also have to show that my first hibiscus? Showing her sister up by giving me a pink AND an orange flower. BOTH! BOTH, YOU GUYS! 

Now I'm really worried about the transplant. 

So I don't know, I feel like I'm doing OK and things seem to be relatively happy. I continue to worry about the hydrangeas in the front, I think I got cocky with those. I hope they pull through.