Yo Ho Bitches

So today Matt and I drove to Hayward, Wisconsin. Now if you have ever been to Wisconsin you'll notice that 90% of Wisconsin is comprised of hick towns with cute gift shops. And every town has one gas station, a shitload of farms and a million churches. Hayward is no different aside from their beautiful lake and for this weekend, it had Krysten and her hubby Dustin. You'll recognize Krysten as a regular commenter up in this shiz and her blog is over at After I Do. Check her out because we make a cute couple. We met up with them at the original Famous Dave's restaurant and ended up having a breakfast buffet. Except we didn't know that because our waitress (and I use that term loosely) never told us. We kind of just assumed we had to go up. Craptastic service and semi-good food. I had a super good waffle though that was all puffy. Mmm..

So after Famous Dave's we were going to hit up the multitude of little shops Hayward is kind of known for. I ended up getting a cute yellow sweatshirt and I almost got pregnant in the same shop when I saw all the baby stuff. Matt says no but come on---you have to be cold hearted to say no to polka dot baby socks.

He still said no.

OH! So I had to pee and remarkably- one of the shops had a bathroom. So I go in and yeah- it STINKS up in there. Clearly no ventilation. So I'm peeing and as I come out of the stall this super huge lady goes into another stall. No big. So I'm washing my hands and I hear her flush. Then again. Then again. Finally- someone else walks into the bathroom as I'm going to get a towel to dry my hands. Guess what? SHE PLUGGED THE TOILET and began asking for help. I obviously did what anyone else would do.

I got out of there ushering Krysten, Dustin, and Matt to go. That's so disgusting.

OK so we went to another part of Hayward and we see there is a Lumberjack Show at 2, something else Hayward is known for. I've seen a small version of that one summer in Cloquet, but we decided to do it anyways. For $20 per couple we got in and climbed these super steep bleacher type things. I obviously had Matt go back down to get me a water, a pepsi and a popcorn.

The show itself was a bit cheesy but it was still fun. We all sat on the winning side. As if you thought our team would lose. Pssh. Well they want you to say "Yo Ho" to like motivate these "professional lumberjacks" but that sounds ridiculous. Krysten and I were too cool to do that. Obvi. And I had a proud moment because when they were all trying to give you the history of lumberjacks....I already knew it all (obvi) but only because I diligently watch "America: The Story of Us" on the History Channel on Sunday nights.

Oh- this guy danced in front of us.
These are the obviously underage kids posing as lumberjacks. They are "professionals" but they seriously looked 12. MAYBE 13.

The blond one to the left was hot. AND he almost ran Krysten and Dustin over afterwards in his truck. His partner kind of sucked at everything except climbing the big wood pole thingie.

So they did like jousting in the water in canoes. True story- the canoe to the left? Seriously must have been made of rubber. It was in super rough shape and frankly- I would never get it in.

But afterwards we went into a few more shops and Dustin found some really fun educational books in the world's smallest store. Seriously- if someone had farted we would have all died. But this was about your belly button or something but what I think it's really about is nudist colonies. And how it's ok to see and touch other people. Or something.

After parting ways Matt and I got back onto the highway to go back to Superior. Fun fact: when I drive in a 65mph I usually do around 80. And look for cops. When Matt drives in a 65 mph he does 76 and doesn't look for cops. And gets pulled over.

Thankfully- I told the trooper our cruise control doesn't work (lie) and then Matt played dumb really well (true) and YAY-- we only got a warning. Which is especially significant because Matt literally just got a speeding ticket in March or so for doing 14 over the limit. Yah. So our insurance is already going to go up so yay for no ticket today.

All in all we had a GREAT time. I adore Krysten's blog and now I can say I adore her in person without sounding like a creeper. We will definitely have to get together again. Because after all, Krysten- WE FORGOT TO MOLEST THE MUSKIE!! I can't believe that. Big sads when I remembered in Hawthorne as we got pulled over. :(

Olivia is at Matt's parents house until tomorrow, Jackson was thrilled to see us, we had a fatty supper, watched True Blood and my history show and now eating Coldstone Creamery cake...more specifically- A Cheesecake Named Desire. YUMOLA.

Bet you wish you were me, bitches. ;)

Boo Reviews: Get your Credit Card Ready

Hi. I still read. You wouldn't necessarily know that since I haven't posted a book review in forever. But here is what I have read recently:

Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris

If you haven't read any of the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris I suggest you get off your back road hick ass and start. These books are a million times better than Twilight for several reasons. Mainly because this author can write and doesn't kill you with adjectives. But it also unfolds a fabulous story where these vamps (and weres, shifters, witches, fairies, etc) are having sex with humans. Fabulous sex. *sigh* And I think you should read these so you can watch True Blood on HBO because THAT is a fabulous show. Anyways.

So this is the latest in the series and I have to say....disappointed. I've become used to way more sex and violence and this book, while the story is interesting, left me feeling like we never really got to the story. I am hoping the next book has violence from the word go. :) BUT...you must read it anyways if you start the series. There is still plenty of good sex.

Don't Sleep With Your Drummer by Jen Sincero

This book was borrowed to me by a friend and it isn't necessarily one that I'd pick up on my own. I also need to mention that I didn't get into it until I was 3/4 of the way done. I don't know. Some writers can pull you in and some can't. But I wanted to finish the book because Kelli said it was good and I didn't want to let her down. And I'm glad I did. This is basically about a woman going through a quarter life crisis (in her 30's) after she gets fired from her job. She realizes what she really wants to do is be in a band and has basically no support. Well she starts a band and they play gigs, are actually really good, get signed and then it all falls apart. But then it kind of comes together again towards the end. But I think it's a great book for 20somethings because it just reaffirms what we all feel towards the end of our 20's- uncertainty and fear.

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

You know I love me some supernatural romance book. This is Young Adult so just be aware the most action you will get in this are hugs, naked boy chests and kisses. It's ok though. This is a GREAT book and I highly recommend it. I finished it in four hours and put it down at 2 am. On a work night. It was totally worth it. It's basically about a boy who was an angel- but he lusted after a human and then becomes a fallen angel and has his wings ripped out. But this makes him basically a killer and he hunts humans for fun I suppose. Well he meets a human girl he's been ordered to kill but surprise! He falls in love with her. It is fabulously written and I enjoyed it a ton. It ends kind of weird (I think) but then I find out...dun dun dun....there is a sequel coming! Yes, bitches, a sequel!

Blood Born by Linda Howard and Linda Jones

One of my very favorite authors is Linda Howard. I have read (I think) every book she's ever done at least twice. I own a bunch of them and when I casually saw this on the FLOOR at Target...I had to get it. Blood Born is about vampires (they live in secret in this book unlike other vamp books) who are planning to take over humans basically and not be in hiding. But then there is a somewhat rogue vamp who thinks this is wrong and is going to try to save them. The deal is that some humans are "conduits" and are unknowingly trying to bring over "warriors" to fight this massive warriors vs vampire war. Cheesy, but stay with me. So there is one human who is a conduit but is kind of special. I'm not going to go into more because it would give it away. This also was a fast read for me and it too....is going to have a sequel. Which I am THRILLED about.

Ice by Linda Howard

OK now this one I got at Barnes and Noble. I buy anything with Linda Howard's name on it. Most of her novels are really far fetched- like the chances of this ever happening are slim to none but who cares- she writes GREAT sex scenes and it's worth it. This story is really no different at all and to me, was pretty similar to Cover of Night which was cheese to the max but again, GREAT sex scene on the mountain in that one. Anyways. So this is about a girl who is taken hostage by meth addicts during an ice storm. And then this guy she knew from way back when is "checking on her" and wow- they are being chased by meth addicts outside in an ice storm. Yeah- it is cheese to the max but what you come to love about romance novels. I kind of hope these characters are explored in a future book but you can never tell if that will happen.

But I will say of all of Linda's books my favorites will always be the following: All the Queen's Men, Cry No More, and Up Close and Dangerous. AQM is fab because it has black ops agents! And sex! And yeah- MAN OF MY DREAMS in there. CNM is great because I really liked the story. I think she put a ton of thought into this story about a woman who's child was kidnapped in Mexico and she basically searches all her life for him and yeah- enlists a hitman to help her. I loved the story, I loved the characters, and again, great sex. UCD is fun. It's fun because it's about a plane that goes down in the mountains and these two people who hate each other well you know what happens. BUT..it's fun because I now fill my carry on bag with stupid unrelated stuff because of this book. You never know, dammit.

The Bike Incident

If you don't know about Another David, you need to go to his blog right now. He's so much smarter than I likely ever will be plus he rides bicycles and goes for insane 20 mile rides. How he doesn't permanently have a bike seat glued to his ass- I don't know. But he's fab and I love him to bits. AND if we ever meet up he's promised me an evening filled with midgets and debauchery.

Who doesn't need a friend like that?

Anyways. So I remember commenting on his blog somewhere about what I refer to as "The Bike Incident" which is what makes me leery to own a bike even though I know I would, for the most part, like it.

The story begins when I was around 12. This is me at like age 10. Apparently I wasn't cute enough to get pictures taken of me at age 12 or something. But you'll see I was still a hot bitch rocking my black spandex cropped leggins with the lace trim, the matching black/white shirt WITH a hot pink sweatshirt. While hiking in Jay Cooke State Park. In sandals.

Yo betta recognize.

Anyways. So most kids get bikes for Christmas and that's fine because they can actually ride their bikes on Christmas. For us it's kind of a great gift but torture because you know it's another 6 months before you can go out and really have fun with it. Bikes aren't super conducive to snow. Well when I was 10, my brother was 10, our parents got us mountain bikes. Not real ones, but we thought they were. All I knew was mine was white with pink and green paint splotches with black accents. It was the fucking hotness. It had gears and 10 speeds and hand brakes and yeah. It was the most bad ass bike I had ever had.

Fast forward to the spring and my dad decided he was going to teach us how to properly ride a bike. Now, I had bikes in the past and knew how to ride it. I mean, I wasn't a toddler here. But I apparently didn't know enough to not break this bike and my dad didn't want to see $100 go down the toilet. He was adamant about bike care and how we should use the kick stand and not just throw it on the ground, etc. He wanted us to take pride in our new vehicles.

So one afternoon dad comes home with this jalopy of bike he got from god knows where and he was going to take us out to what we called "The Gully" by our house. The Gully was basically an old logging road for trucks, unpaved but well worn and wide that would take you straight to the St. Louis River which is what the paper mill sits on. We had played back there and we knew that there were other trails we just didn't know we were allowed to go that far into the woods. Well, that wasn't mostly me because I was the chicken shit when I was younger and Travis probably was back there all the time lighting fires and such.

Anyways- so we get on our bikes and I figure I'm good to go. We are riding along this trail which was kind of high up. To our right was a bunch of woods and to the left was a drop off with train tracks at the bottom. We went as far as we could on our trail before realizing we had to turn around or ride down this drop off hill and ride along the train tracks.

At that moment, Travis screwed up his brakes. My dad stopped to help him and looked at me, told me to "take 'er easy" down the hill. I'm SURE he said "down the hill" which to me, means ride your bike down the hill. I see a path that is worn into the hill which obviously means it's safe because bikes have been down it. So I start out on this little path.

Approximately 2 seconds into said ride down the little path I hear my dad yell my name, and then I see it. A barrel. Half sticking out of the ground that you couldn't see from the top. Obviously, I panic and hit the barrel.

I then go airborne, do two complete somersaults in the air, at which point I separated from my bike, hit the ground, roll down the hill, land on the railroad tracks. It felt like 10 minutes that I laid there when it really only could have been a second when my bike came down. And landed on top of me.

I pretty much started crying and thought I was going to die. But here comes my brother and Dad, taking their leisurely fucking time around the path, not the way I went, and asked me if I was ok. I remember my dad telling me to get up because I had to ride the bike home and him asking me several times if the bike was ok.

Nice.

At some point I was hobbling along and it felt like I had blood running down my leg. My dad told me that I had to take my pants off to see if I had gotten hurt. So there I am, age 12, half naked next to some railroad tracks, crying, and the biggest bruise I have ever seen developing in my left inner thigh. This thing was the size of a dinner plate and was the inner thigh and part of the front and back. Black as night. And puffy. It was getting more and more puffy and it hurt like a som'of'a'bitch.

I had to walk home like that because riding the bike was not going to happen. My mom laughed. Travis teased me. My dad said I needed more lessons.

I rode my bike again, on flat roads only, for a few more years. And every once in awhile, I see them go on sale and I think I'd like to buy one and take the kids out. But then I think oy...I don't want to be that loser parent that rides bikes with their kids. Those kids always got beat up.

Book Review: I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL by Tucker Max

I want to start this book review off with the statement that I am not highly sensitive or offended when men act like jackasses. In fact I think it's funny as hell especially when they totally know they are an asshole and most likely never going to be good enough to be in a marriage. Or have a decent woman behind them. Enter Tucker Max.

I saw this book sitting at Barnes and Noble sandwiched between really shittastic chick lit and "jesus loves you" crap. It called to me because I have frequently said to those around me that I fully recognize and understand I am likely going to go to hell for the things I say to and about people. I am totally ok with this. In fact, I'm pretty sure there is no going back for me and to be completely frank with you- at this point I'm hoping I can get a nice chair while I'm there. Like a reserved reclining chair with my name on it. Tucker wants beer, I want a personalized chair.

I don't think I could ever hang out with Tucker, much less ever have sex with him. The fact women still want to have sex with him is amazing in it's own right because if he doesn't have a plethora of STD's, he's obviously received or currently receiving treatment. Another reason I couldn't have sex with Tucker is that I don't do blow jobs. Now, my male readers are probably spitting out their chosen evening beverage right now, but understand, it's not for lack of trying. Trust me. I apparently, have been blessed with the gag reflex and while I will take one for the team and do my best, please do not ever expect it to be swallowed. Don't even try because I can't be held accountable for my actions if you do that and before you do that- please remember that I have teeth. And will use. And I understand this is a big deal, which Tucker has explained:

"Blowjobs...the sweet sounds of silence. The problem with oral sex is that it's like writing. When it's done right, it's amazing, but there are just so many ways it can go wrong, and when it does, it's just not worth it."

"The most comical part was what was going through my mind; here is this girl sucking like my cock is the fountain of youth, and all I could think of was that this was probably the most she had eaten in months without throwing up."

What also just kills me is that no matter how many times a person has a horrible experience with drinking- they just get back out to the bar and do it again. Tucker has a rating scale on his stages of drunk. He also has a female ranking system. If you are a hardcore feminist- please do not read this book. Don't see the movie and by fucking god- do not go to his website, www.tuckermax.com because it will only make you angry.

Even the owner of a vag I'm appalled at some of the things Tucker says or thinks about women. But then I remember what kind of chicks he's picking up and I agree with him. I have had lots of friends who were the bar fly type and were looking for a cute guy for a quickie after a long night of drinking. And I have long said you are never going to find a decent person to partner with in the bar. I mean, I get that some people do but damn. It's so rare and more often than not that kind of relationship will fizzle out. Usually when someone goes to the bar, gets drunk, cheats on the other. Even if you aren't the smartest cookie in the bag you can still conduct yourself with some class.

So I recommend this book if you are looking for a good laugh, know someone or are that someone who is the vulgar and often inappropriate person in the group, and are not offended easily. If you are not any of these things- please don't read the book and then post on here that I'm a traitor to the vagina.