Yo Ho Bitches

So today Matt and I drove to Hayward, Wisconsin. Now if you have ever been to Wisconsin you'll notice that 90% of Wisconsin is comprised of hick towns with cute gift shops. And every town has one gas station, a shitload of farms and a million churches. Hayward is no different aside from their beautiful lake and for this weekend, it had Krysten and her hubby Dustin. You'll recognize Krysten as a regular commenter up in this shiz and her blog is over at After I Do. Check her out because we make a cute couple. We met up with them at the original Famous Dave's restaurant and ended up having a breakfast buffet. Except we didn't know that because our waitress (and I use that term loosely) never told us. We kind of just assumed we had to go up. Craptastic service and semi-good food. I had a super good waffle though that was all puffy. Mmm..

So after Famous Dave's we were going to hit up the multitude of little shops Hayward is kind of known for. I ended up getting a cute yellow sweatshirt and I almost got pregnant in the same shop when I saw all the baby stuff. Matt says no but come on---you have to be cold hearted to say no to polka dot baby socks.

He still said no.

OH! So I had to pee and remarkably- one of the shops had a bathroom. So I go in and yeah- it STINKS up in there. Clearly no ventilation. So I'm peeing and as I come out of the stall this super huge lady goes into another stall. No big. So I'm washing my hands and I hear her flush. Then again. Then again. Finally- someone else walks into the bathroom as I'm going to get a towel to dry my hands. Guess what? SHE PLUGGED THE TOILET and began asking for help. I obviously did what anyone else would do.

I got out of there ushering Krysten, Dustin, and Matt to go. That's so disgusting.

OK so we went to another part of Hayward and we see there is a Lumberjack Show at 2, something else Hayward is known for. I've seen a small version of that one summer in Cloquet, but we decided to do it anyways. For $20 per couple we got in and climbed these super steep bleacher type things. I obviously had Matt go back down to get me a water, a pepsi and a popcorn.

The show itself was a bit cheesy but it was still fun. We all sat on the winning side. As if you thought our team would lose. Pssh. Well they want you to say "Yo Ho" to like motivate these "professional lumberjacks" but that sounds ridiculous. Krysten and I were too cool to do that. Obvi. And I had a proud moment because when they were all trying to give you the history of lumberjacks....I already knew it all (obvi) but only because I diligently watch "America: The Story of Us" on the History Channel on Sunday nights.

Oh- this guy danced in front of us.
These are the obviously underage kids posing as lumberjacks. They are "professionals" but they seriously looked 12. MAYBE 13.

The blond one to the left was hot. AND he almost ran Krysten and Dustin over afterwards in his truck. His partner kind of sucked at everything except climbing the big wood pole thingie.

So they did like jousting in the water in canoes. True story- the canoe to the left? Seriously must have been made of rubber. It was in super rough shape and frankly- I would never get it in.

But afterwards we went into a few more shops and Dustin found some really fun educational books in the world's smallest store. Seriously- if someone had farted we would have all died. But this was about your belly button or something but what I think it's really about is nudist colonies. And how it's ok to see and touch other people. Or something.

After parting ways Matt and I got back onto the highway to go back to Superior. Fun fact: when I drive in a 65mph I usually do around 80. And look for cops. When Matt drives in a 65 mph he does 76 and doesn't look for cops. And gets pulled over.

Thankfully- I told the trooper our cruise control doesn't work (lie) and then Matt played dumb really well (true) and YAY-- we only got a warning. Which is especially significant because Matt literally just got a speeding ticket in March or so for doing 14 over the limit. Yah. So our insurance is already going to go up so yay for no ticket today.

All in all we had a GREAT time. I adore Krysten's blog and now I can say I adore her in person without sounding like a creeper. We will definitely have to get together again. Because after all, Krysten- WE FORGOT TO MOLEST THE MUSKIE!! I can't believe that. Big sads when I remembered in Hawthorne as we got pulled over. :(

Olivia is at Matt's parents house until tomorrow, Jackson was thrilled to see us, we had a fatty supper, watched True Blood and my history show and now eating Coldstone Creamery cake...more specifically- A Cheesecake Named Desire. YUMOLA.

Bet you wish you were me, bitches. ;)

Boo Reviews: Get your Credit Card Ready

Hi. I still read. You wouldn't necessarily know that since I haven't posted a book review in forever. But here is what I have read recently:

Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris

If you haven't read any of the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris I suggest you get off your back road hick ass and start. These books are a million times better than Twilight for several reasons. Mainly because this author can write and doesn't kill you with adjectives. But it also unfolds a fabulous story where these vamps (and weres, shifters, witches, fairies, etc) are having sex with humans. Fabulous sex. *sigh* And I think you should read these so you can watch True Blood on HBO because THAT is a fabulous show. Anyways.

So this is the latest in the series and I have to say....disappointed. I've become used to way more sex and violence and this book, while the story is interesting, left me feeling like we never really got to the story. I am hoping the next book has violence from the word go. :) BUT...you must read it anyways if you start the series. There is still plenty of good sex.

Don't Sleep With Your Drummer by Jen Sincero

This book was borrowed to me by a friend and it isn't necessarily one that I'd pick up on my own. I also need to mention that I didn't get into it until I was 3/4 of the way done. I don't know. Some writers can pull you in and some can't. But I wanted to finish the book because Kelli said it was good and I didn't want to let her down. And I'm glad I did. This is basically about a woman going through a quarter life crisis (in her 30's) after she gets fired from her job. She realizes what she really wants to do is be in a band and has basically no support. Well she starts a band and they play gigs, are actually really good, get signed and then it all falls apart. But then it kind of comes together again towards the end. But I think it's a great book for 20somethings because it just reaffirms what we all feel towards the end of our 20's- uncertainty and fear.

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

You know I love me some supernatural romance book. This is Young Adult so just be aware the most action you will get in this are hugs, naked boy chests and kisses. It's ok though. This is a GREAT book and I highly recommend it. I finished it in four hours and put it down at 2 am. On a work night. It was totally worth it. It's basically about a boy who was an angel- but he lusted after a human and then becomes a fallen angel and has his wings ripped out. But this makes him basically a killer and he hunts humans for fun I suppose. Well he meets a human girl he's been ordered to kill but surprise! He falls in love with her. It is fabulously written and I enjoyed it a ton. It ends kind of weird (I think) but then I find out...dun dun dun....there is a sequel coming! Yes, bitches, a sequel!

Blood Born by Linda Howard and Linda Jones

One of my very favorite authors is Linda Howard. I have read (I think) every book she's ever done at least twice. I own a bunch of them and when I casually saw this on the FLOOR at Target...I had to get it. Blood Born is about vampires (they live in secret in this book unlike other vamp books) who are planning to take over humans basically and not be in hiding. But then there is a somewhat rogue vamp who thinks this is wrong and is going to try to save them. The deal is that some humans are "conduits" and are unknowingly trying to bring over "warriors" to fight this massive warriors vs vampire war. Cheesy, but stay with me. So there is one human who is a conduit but is kind of special. I'm not going to go into more because it would give it away. This also was a fast read for me and it too....is going to have a sequel. Which I am THRILLED about.

Ice by Linda Howard

OK now this one I got at Barnes and Noble. I buy anything with Linda Howard's name on it. Most of her novels are really far fetched- like the chances of this ever happening are slim to none but who cares- she writes GREAT sex scenes and it's worth it. This story is really no different at all and to me, was pretty similar to Cover of Night which was cheese to the max but again, GREAT sex scene on the mountain in that one. Anyways. So this is about a girl who is taken hostage by meth addicts during an ice storm. And then this guy she knew from way back when is "checking on her" and wow- they are being chased by meth addicts outside in an ice storm. Yeah- it is cheese to the max but what you come to love about romance novels. I kind of hope these characters are explored in a future book but you can never tell if that will happen.

But I will say of all of Linda's books my favorites will always be the following: All the Queen's Men, Cry No More, and Up Close and Dangerous. AQM is fab because it has black ops agents! And sex! And yeah- MAN OF MY DREAMS in there. CNM is great because I really liked the story. I think she put a ton of thought into this story about a woman who's child was kidnapped in Mexico and she basically searches all her life for him and yeah- enlists a hitman to help her. I loved the story, I loved the characters, and again, great sex. UCD is fun. It's fun because it's about a plane that goes down in the mountains and these two people who hate each other well you know what happens. BUT..it's fun because I now fill my carry on bag with stupid unrelated stuff because of this book. You never know, dammit.

Domestic Bitch Friday. Episode Six.

It's that time again....no- not my period (ok..I'm having that too. Sorry.). It's Domestic Bitch Friday! YAY!

Webiste you must check out:

www.wickedcooldeals.com -->if you scroll through you will find coupons and freebies galore. I printed out a coupon for JC Penney, Old Navy and Bath & Body Works.

Freebies:

1. Sandwich Shop Mayo: HERE


2. Olay Total Effects stuff: HERE


3. Free 2 oz Benjamin Moore paint sample (Elena-- I thought of you!!): HERE


4. Nivea lotion: HERE


5. Free Car & Driver Magazine: HERE
   
6. Free Coldplay Album (I have not done this yet so I can't attest to what the quality is)(international): HERE


7. Free thong at American Apparel: HERE


8. Free perfume samples (international): HERE


9. Aveeno samples: HERE

Recipe:

So last year I made this jello pie for the Fourth of July and it went over really, really well. AND it was pretty easy. Instead of typing out all of the instructions, go HERE to get the recipe. I love the Kraft Foods website and am on it almost every day. Seriously. If you haven't already sign up to get their emails and you will start getting their magazine in the mail. It used to be free but now there is a small cost to it but I will tell you it is worth it. :)

Project: My garden! Kind of. Every year I try my hand at not killing plants and I'm usually only mildly successful. I have no pictures to show you because my stuff in pots is doing nothing so far. Lame. And my annuals that I bought are barely surviving because I'm not doing a very good job at keeping them alive. BUT..my chive bush from last year? Out of fucking control. I don't know what to do with it considering I never used chives last year. So yeah-- recipes calling for a shitload of chives is going to happen at some point this summer.

But my stuff in pots...THAT is where my greatest hope is this year. I planted Single Italian Plain Leaf Parsley, California Wonder Peppers (it shows red/green on the front...I am hoping they are all green..) and then the Calendula I won from a giveaway. But I'm planting parsley for a few reasons: I have a lot of recipes that call for it and it says you need fresh. Well "fresh" is all fine and good but when I don't know what it looks like and nothing is labeled at the grocery store....we just don't add it. So this year not only will I learn what it looks like but I will have it. Score. And peppers...well I use them all of the time. Seriously. I don't like peppers but I like chopping them and I like how they look in stuff. So I use them.

Shut up- it makes perfect sense. AND I discovered you can freeze them and they do fabulous frozen over the winter when you're likely to pay $2.19 for one dinky pepper here in say...January.

Anyways. So starting next week my DBF post will change just a bit. Instead of a "project" per say I'm going to start posting my menu for the week. Since I plan all of my meals anyways AND I'm doing the SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) bit I'm going to need to cut corners money wise. ;) SO...this means I'm going to track what I spend and eat more carefully. Stay tuned!

Weird.

Is anyone else receiving a ridiculous amount of email from Viagra? Is this just me? Because in the 15 minutes I've been on my email I've gotten 27 emails from people trying to sell me black market Viagra.

I am not sure what to make of this.

:)

The Vagueness Ends- Part Four: The End

This week we have covered belief, friendship, and life and death. Today we're going to cover The End. Here's our song for the evening:



No, don't panic-- I'm not leaving you my beloved lambwhores and goatsluts. ;)

It means that after almost eight years with the same job, a job that I loved and honestly thought I'd spend many more years at.... I have quit my job. It's been a long time coming. In my gut I felt for a very long time that things were changing. What used to be a fun and rewarding job has turned into a witch hunt. We have switched how we do business which isn't always a bad thing but in this case it is. People have very little respect and trust in anyone. Everybody is out to get each other. Honestly we spent more time talking about personal stuff that very little meaningful work was being done. I'll be busting my ass at my desk while people are talking about sports and stupid shit. I can only fake interest for so long. What used to be a really fun work atmosphere and genuine friendship between people has turned into backstabbing, lying, and high school drama.

I'm sick of having my ideas tossed around or disregarded because I'm young. I'm sick of being talked about if I chose to bring my own lunch and eat alone. Sometimes? I want to be alone. Sometimes? I don't want to talk to anyone. Sometimes? I just want to do my job in peace and quiet. Sometimes? I can't listen to the ass kissing. Sometimes? I just don't care.

How many times can it escalate 'Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe? And I must decide, if you must deride. That I'm much obliged to up and go.- Fiona Apple, Get Gone

Although I have been unhappy for awhile, the last six months have been the worst. I have always been a pretty optimistic person and I know that even when things get bad it rides out. The tides come in and stuff settles down and things will go back to being just dandy. But six months of it getting worse and worse. About two weeks ago my professionalism came into question because of my blog. My personal blog. The very thing that is covered under the First Amendment. Confidentiality was called into question. And while I agree that one post was maybe crossing the line the others weren't. A concert review? A post about my purse? A post about IKEA? A sloppy joe recipe? Please. Get a life. First off- I'll edit these posts and they are going back up. Second off- if a specific person had a problem with being mentioned THEY should have said something to me. Like a year ago. Because these posts? Were from LAST YEAR. Get over yourself. Third? Nowhere on my blog or even in my profile does it show my full name or where I work. Fourth? The sloppy joe recipe is published in a cookbook. How is that confidential??? Ultimately- it was the first step in what I know to be basically a mission to get me fired. Which is really hysterical because I actually did my job. I not only did all of my work but I did work for other people. On time. My stuff was never late. I can count on one hand how many times I was late in my entire 7 1/2 years. I only called in sick when I had no child care (rare) or when I was actually sick. Oh wait---they think I faked sick when I had H1N1. Um yeah- I have at least 5 people who can vouch for me on that. It wasn't a vacation and the fact someone from work insinuated that? Unprofessional and childish.

I consulted with three lawyers who all encouraged me to stay and get fired after they saw my documentation of things over almost eight years. I had one call me yesterday to tell me he'd take my case for free because he feels I'm being treated unfairly.

But it doesn't matter. Because in the end- I don't care. After my actually hilarious Monday, I stewed all week. I didn't know what I should do. Get fired or quit. Then my dad had his heart attack and that changed the situation around so I had no choice but to quit. So it worked out.

So I'm done. I'm gone.

And I'm sad. Ultimately none of the office staff will care or suffer. The only people that will suffer are the volunteers. I can't even tell you how sad I am that I won't be interacting with them day to day. That I won't see them at recognition and see how proud they are of all they accomplish. Sure, I'll see some locally but it isn't the same. I will miss them dearly. They have done so much for me and they don't even know it. I have learned more from them than I ever could from anyone else. That job has given me opportunities I wouldn't normally have had and for that- I will be eternally grateful.

What does this mean for me now? It means that as of right now, I'm stepping into stay-at-home-mommy status. Financially we are going to be tight but we've been in worse situations and we'll be fine. Today I got a part time job and I'm actually super excited about it. They are going to be flexible with hours so I can do them when Matt gets home AND spend time with my kids. It means my mom and dad are free to do other things than watch Olivia and Jackson all day while I work. They are in heaven with me at home and I actually couldn't be happier.

Already I feel a thousand times better. I guess you don't realize how toxic a situation is until you're away from it. I haven't had my daily headaches in two weeks. Well, I had a migraine today but that's because Aunt Flo is visiting. That bitch. But other than that? No headaches. I don't feel like throwing up when I wake up in the morning. On Sundays I don't cry with the thought of having to deal with the gossip and backstabbing. I'm free to eat lunch on my own! In my pajamas if I want to! :)

But more importantly- I feel like the old Sara. I wish you all knew me back in the day. ;) You think I'm awesome now...it was better. Which can only mean better things for this blog. And speaking of this blog- it will be more upbeat. No more Sour Puss Sara. OK, so I might still have down days but not nearly as many. Pretty soon I'll be getting my own domain name and obviously I'll keep you informed on that.

OH! And I'm writing a book. Many, many, many of you have asked me about this and yes- I'm writing. I promise. I have two in the works: one is about my 30/30 list and one will be about...you guessed it...all my employment follies. ;) It's going to be fabulous. I've already started my outline and I'm really excited about it.

So there you go. Lots of things are changing in Sara's Organized Chaos and I want to thank ALL OF YOU who have sent me encouraging emails, Facebook messages, left positive comments or sent me texts with happy thoughts. You all mean the world to me and I'm glad you're with me on the ride.

The Vagueness Ends- Part Three: Life and death

We've talked about my beliefs, and my view on friendship.

So tonight we're going to talk about life and death. Although you know that at any given moment you can die nobody ever really lives like that. (Again- hit "play" to enhance this post)

Death Cab for Cutie summed it up best with the first line of their song "What Sarah Said" which easily enough is one of my favorite songs of all time.

"And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time"

We all know that we should live like we're dying and go through life without regrets. I have many regrets that I know will never correct themselves while other regrets I know over time will get better.

But during an especially awful week for me and having been slapped in the face by idiots who assume they know me....I had an equally awful ending. At approximately 7:30 in the evening of May 13 my mom informed me that my step dad (who has been more of a father than my sperm donor of a biological dad could ever be to me) had a heart attack. My step dad works has always worked his ass off to provided for our family and has gone without so that we could want for nothing. He is an over the road truck driver. It is a lonely life. He is gone a lot and although we miss him dearly when he is gone we know it's because he's working to provide better for the family. But one of the worst fears that my mom, brother and I have always had is that something would happen to him and we'd never know. Luckily my dad has a built in GPS in his head and can get you anywhere you want in the continental US with a few simple directions without consulting a map. He is not your typical truck driver- he's in shape and he's healthy.

So he's in his truck, at a truck stop, and getting ready for sleep. Then it happens- the heart attack. Fortunately he had the wherewith all to call 911. Fortunately they got to him fast enough. Fortunately he is close enough to one of the top 100 heart hospitals in the country and he is only 6-7 hours from home. My mom and grandparents travel down that night while I stay up waiting to hear from someone about what is happening.

And while I wait- it hits me.

I'm done. I can't continue living my life for other people. I give 110% to my job and I'm not appreciated. I'm subjected to gossip and high school drama and it's not worth it. They can live their lives like this and pretend to be my friend but really- I'm above this. My life is meant to be more. I didn't bust my ass through school to deal with this. I have been through worse times than this and frankly- I'm done with their bullshit.

I'm also done being friends with people who were never really my friends. I need to be more present with my family and be a better friend to the friends that love me. I need to get Lenny a new blanket to hump because his other one is yucky. I need to learn how to mow a lawn. I need get up each and every day and be thankful for all of the awesome stuff and people I have in my life.

I need to be happy. If I continue on the path I was on I'm going to die young and unhappy. I'm not going to be any better than the very people who made me this way. I was a fun, outgoing, positive, happy person before them and god dammit all- I'm going to be that way from now on. I'm sick of planning my entire life around them and what their needs are. My needs aren't being met. So fuck them.

Thankfully- my dad survived. And I appreciate that so much more now because I realized how many kids lose their parents to heart attacks. Even though the recovery is going to be hard and there are a lot of things I'm not mentioning here that make our family situation a hardship- I know that we'll make it. We always do. And I am happy to know that my dad has a second chance. Not just for my own selfish reasons am I glad he's still with us, but for my kids. They love him to pieces and they would have been devastated.

But it wasn't just him that had a second chance. His heart attack was a wake up call to us all. It was like all of the little signs I ignored and all of the gut feelings I had but waved off were all trumped by this. THIS was the big sign. This was my wake up call that what I was enduring was not right, they were wrong, and that my life path has to change. For my own health.

So tomorrow night is the final night of this week long journey (for you at least) and all will be revealed. ;)

The Vagueness Ends- Part Two: Friendship

So yesterday we talked about belief and basically what it means to me. Today I'm going to talk about friendship.

And please click "play" on the playlist to your right. It will enhance this post. (Sorry to the numerous lambwhores and goatsluts that absolutely hate Ke$ha and her lame excuse for an "S" but just bear with me. It's a song that instantly comes to mind when I think of this particular person I'm going to write about. Just deal with your panties up your hole.)

Anyways.

So friendship to me means a lot of things. It mean honesty and loyalty. Knowing that I can come to you no matter what time of day or night it is and know that you will give me your undivided attention when I need it and you know that I would do it for you. It means knowing that you will not make up lies about me. It means knowing that anything I tell you know matter what it is isn't going to go beyond the mass between your ears. And you know I would do the same for you.

My head is very much like a vault. The things I know about lots of different people is unbelievable. People who are absolute strangers just tell me things and I hold it all in. I know more about the people around me- who's cheating on their spouse, who's having a baby that isn't their husbands, who has a gambling problem his spouse hasn't picked up on. Who's on drugs and who's got a drinking problem. You name it and I probably know someone who is involved in it. And it's ok because if I can be the dumping post for someone and make them feel better or give them advice- I'm here. I like doing it and I never mind when people vent. Some of you, dear lambwhores and goatsluts, have either emailed me or messaged me on Facebook to ask me for advice. Or have told me things about you that maybe nobody knows. And I love it because I am a great listener. It is, after all, one of my best qualities.

Let's just note for the record: I have a very small group of friends. I have four friends in town that I know I can count on. One is new, but the other three have seen me at my highest high and my lowest low. They are all so very different from each other that maybe hanging out wouldn't be a blast for them but they all love me and I love them. I also have a small group of internet friends who, in their unbiased judgment and fabulous taste in a leader, have all become very near and dear to me. If you are in this group you know it. I'm not adverse to making new friends but it's hard for me. I've been wronged a lot and have learned a ton about how friends can quickly turn into bitches and douchebags.

With that note- what do you do when you find out that someone you considered a friend really isn't a friend at all? That this person would rather make themselves look better than be a friend. They are willing to throw anyone under the bus and claw their way to the top of a totem pole that doesn't even exist and they really don't care about anyone else but themselves.

And that's a shame. Because eventually- this game will catch up to you. Eventually you'll have no real friends. Eventually karma will kick you firmly in the ass and I hope it kicks you so hard you land on your face on the pavement.

Because I? Would never treat someone like I've been treated. I think it's hilarious that even though I've talked to this person and I've confided in this person because I thought that they were a friend and they had my back- I realized now that EVERYTHING I have ever told them has gone elsewhere. Seriously? Do you feel good about yourself being known as a kiss ass? Yeah- you're so upfront and truthful to our faces but when you turn around and do the opposite? You are a loser and you have no credibility.

Make no mistake: I gossip. BUT anything I ever say about anyone else I would never hesitate to say it to their face. And most of the time I do. You may not see it, you may not ever hear about it- but please believe that I voice my opinion. Nobody can ever say I'm a shrinking violet and if I have a beef with you, you are most certainly going to know about it.

What I can't stand more than anything is that when I do call someone out on someone and they flat out lie to me. Lie to my face. I hate nothing more than a liar. Really? Do you honestly think I believe you when you tell me that you didn't do these things? Or that these conversations we've had you haven't shared? Bitch, please. Do you think I have "asshole" written across my head? Because if you do then it's just your reflection you're seeing. Don't you think it's strange that you have something negative to say about EVERY single one of your "friends"? Because my friends? I have nothing but praise for them. I may disagree with a choice they make but I support them 150%. I back my friends up even if I know they are wrong. But you, dear backstabber? Are superficial. You're a bitch. You think people respect you and like you but they all think you are a bitch. You think by acting tough and being the ultimate enforcer you will gain the respect you so desperately want. But I'm sorry. You can prance around doing all of these things and all you are doing is making people not want to see you. To deal with you. But it's ok because you can play a great game. Obviously.

But this chick? Is so tired of watching you make an ass out of yourself. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of always being on my toes because I might say or do something and you'll go running and twist it around to something it never was. I don't know why you do it, and I really don't care. But I do know that at age 28 I'm very glad that I can look back at every point in my life and know that I have never treated anyone like this. And at least I know I can look myself in the mirror and know that I'm a good person and that people like me because I'm fun, awesome and a great friend and not out of fear.

The Vagueness Ends- Part One: Belief

I know I have been ubber vague over the last week. And I'm sorry. But when I get it all out it will all make sense as to why I had to wait and then you'll understand all the cryptic things I've mentioned.

But not everything is in order or completed yet so instead of giving you one ridiculously massive post....I'm going to break it up. I'm going to try my hand at breaking it down for you piece by piece and then MAYBE..just maybe..it'll make more sense at the end. If not, well- I've got blogging covered for the week. ;)

OK. So I probably have mentioned this before and some of you who have gotten to know me more via the interwebs probably know that I'm not a religious person. I don't frown on those who choose to follow that path but it just isn't for me. I'm more of a science chick and believe we've evolved and yeah- things blew up a long time ago, made our planet and voila- life. And quite frankly- religion confuses me. I don't really understand how there can be some many versions of religion and how everyone is essentially fighting over semantics. One person says it differently then you and all of a sudden- they are wrong. Even though essentially, you are all saying the same thing. And to think the majority of the world is up in arms, literally, over religion at the end of the day is absolutely bizarre to me. Because really? DOES IT MATTER, PEOPLE?!

Anyways.

So yeah. I'm not religious but I do have beliefs. My beliefs tell me that when we die we go somewhere. I don't necessarily believe in heaven and hell but I believe we go somewhere. Maybe it's just a space above the world, maybe we're reincarnated, maybe that's that. Maybe there isn't anything. But to think that you can sin your whole life and say "oops, my bad" at the end to get into a heaven seems retarded. I just don't think that seems right. Neither does cutting in line at Target or people wearing spandex, but whatever.

I also belief that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we are given signs every day as to what we are supposed to do and part of the journey of life is learning how to see and interpret those signs. If you miss a few subtle ones a big one will come and literally kick you in the ass and get you on the right path.

I have struggled a lot in my life with watching people make bad choices and decisions and never see the consequences. I have struggled when I see people not doing their job time and time again and yet they get away with it. I have seen people say they are doing something when in fact they aren't and you know at the last minute they will call upon you to cover their ass. No amount of apology or "thanks for always covering my ass" gifts will make that right. I struggle every day to keep my mouth shut, mind my own business and just do what I am supposed to do. It's hard and sometimes I slip up. Because deep down- none of these things are right. People shouldn't be allowed to do any of these things and get away with it. You may be a fabulous person in your other life and you may have done a lot of great things but you aren't right now and you should be called on it.

I know that if I didn't do what I was supposed to do, constantly slacked off and made excuses, and continually made bad choices or had a blatant disregard for another person's feelings or generally acted as if I were permanently stuck in 9th grade- consequences would hit me like a ton of bricks.

But that's just my luck.

But along with having these beliefs is knowing that you can't always be right even when you know you are. I struggle with the fact that some places are still the "good ole' boys club" or that things won't change because change is scary. Change is actually really good. And I have always liked change until it came down to me having to make a choice. Because what if I make the wrong choice? What if it's so wrong and I set my entire family into a tail spin? What if everything goes bad and it's all my fault and then everyone will blame me and tell me I'm a failure??

These are the things I have been thinking about 24/7 for the last two weeks. But in the end- I'm sick of dealing with it. I'm sick of being in 9th grade. I'm sick of listening to people gossip about others and then pretend to be your friend. I'm tired of coming home crying and upset. I'm tired of feeling so sick I can barely get out of bed. I'm tired of being so stressed out and angry about the things I cannot change that I am not the Old Sara.

And although the decision that I'm 90% sure I'm going to make is devastating to me because it's closing a major chapter of my life....I believe it's the right decision. I have missed a few signs that I disregarded but as per usual- life kicked me in my ass in the last two weeks. And I feel like for the first time in a very long time like a lot of weight is coming off my shoulders and that maybe, just maybe...it's going to be the right thing for me, for my kids, for Matt, and for my sanity.

Domestic Bitch Friday. Episode Five.

Seriously, I want it on the record that this post was pulled together on Wednesday so I could have it publish on Friday.



Bow down.



So let's get this shit rolling, shall we?



FREEBIES:

• Lancane Chafing Gel. Because that is super fun to type and the pictures on their website are hilarious. HERE


• Aveda Men Shampoo. Because even men need to wash their hair. HERE


• Crest White Strips. Seriously? Necessity. HERE


• Pantene. Ladies, wash yo hair. HERE


• Toilet Drops. Seriously hilarious because WHO'S toilet has a weird smell?! HERE


• Hardees Stuff. Apparently, if you play this on FaceBook you'll win something. HERE. Obviously you'll need to have a FaceBook account. I won a $1 off a shake. So yah.
• Spa Naturals Sampler- HERE.

BONUS:

Did you know that Target has coupons you can print online? They change often and are super awesome? Go to http://www.target.com/ and scroll WAY down to the bottom. Under the "Target Stores" column you'll see "coupons". Click on that and save a ton. This is where I get some of our fun "extras" for snacks and stuff. AND if you have kids they often have coupons for clothes. Sometimes they are really good and sometimes not so much. But check there for deals.

RECIPE:

I actually don't like a lot of dips and such, but there is one that I make for just about any gathering I am hosting or going to. It is... (drum roll)

Sara's Super Fantastic Taco-Nacho Wannabe But Still Cooler Than You Dip

In a small casserole baking dish, mix: one jar of salsa (your favorite), one packet of taco seasoning, two cans of chicken (drained. OR..if you just happen to have some already cooked chicken, use that), and like half a bag of shredded colby-jack cheese. Shred the chicken with a fork a little bit- mix it all really well. Top it with more cheese- finish off the bag. Bake in your oven at 350 until it's warm and bubbly- which is about 5-10 minutes. Serve it with tortilla chips. Seriously- the EASIEST on hand thing I probably know how to make that can be done in under 15 minutes. I will always have the stuff for this on hand.

AND..if you really wanted to spice it up....throw in some red chili peppers in adobo sauce. Seriously- two peppers with a tablespoon or two of the sauce will heat things up nicely. ;)

PROJECT: Um yeah. No project. Actually- that's a lie. BUT..it's part of my BIG reveal next week. ;)

Is it just me or is this blog starting to turn into LOST? Sorry. ;)

I changed my mind. Obviously.

Well I wasn't going to post anything for today but then I see that my favorite Rican, Danielle, gave me a blog award. She's fab. AND she's a super dedicated AND cute lambwhore.

Golf claps and leg pumps for Danielle. And check out her blog.

Along with this award came a few questions. These are way tamer than things I've been asked so that's fun. For those of you who are new to being a lambwhore or goatslut- initiate yourselves HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.

What do you do when you're bored? Obviously the times I get bored are far and few between right now (it's changing...very soon...ooh the mystery). BUT in the off chance I am bored I will most likely read. I am a super fabulous, avid reader so there.

Are you an Autumn or a Spring? I will have to say spring. Or autumn. Fuck. I'm pretty indecisive. I actually like spring because the weather is getting warmer. BUT I like autumn because I like the crisp air in the morning and then it will sometimes get warm by lunch time. And I like going hiking to see the fall colors..especially in Gooseberry Falls.

Quick! You're stuck at an airport for hours, and the only options are crossword puzzles, or an old novel nobody's ever heard of. Which do you pick? I suck shit at puzzles. I remember crying in class in third grade because I couldn't figure out the puzzles substitute teachers give you so the whole class doesn't riot and make them think about quitting their job. And to this day I still suck. AND..oh yeah...I have NEVER gotten one of those stupid Magic Eye posters or whatever to work. Fuckers.

Jane Austen or Emily Bronte?
Well here's my super retard confession. I have never read any Jane Austen. I also have not seen any of the movies adapted from her novels. I'm a loser. I've only read Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte and well..you can see what happened with that. HERE and HERE.

Do you feel prepared for the five other questions coming your way? Bring it on bitch.

Who’s your hero? Peter Gibbins. And after next week you'll know why. And if you are an idiot who doesn't know who Peter Gibbins is-- shame. Educate yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOJzpeCMJzs Also funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzGWvZAd228&feature=related

Favourite word? fanfuckingtastic. Danielle said preposterous and I'm only slightly peeved that she stole my word.

Are you one of those “checklist” people, or are you a “wing it and hope everything goes well” sort of person? I carry a notebook at all times. I think that answers that question.

What phrase has stuck with you in your life? "I'm Rick James, bitch!" I mean really- this is so versatile. I can think of no situation where this would not be appropriate.

If you were to choose between coffee and tea . . . which would you go with? I don't drink hot liquids. Well sometimes hot chocolate but it's rare. I pretty much burn myself on any food/drink I put into my mouth that has any heat to it so I just avoid them. Otherwise I'd probably never have taste buds.

So let's award this bitch, shall we??

1. Dr. Brainspiller. Because this would look totally gay and fabulous on his blog. OH--AND it's his birthday today. Show some love and tell him your leader sent you.

2. Mr. O. Because we're blog besties. It's how we roll.

3. Jamie. Because she is ubber fabulous and I know that if we ever got together the sarcasm, inappropriate remarks and fun would never end.

4. Amber. Because she's kick ass and she is up in here every day.

5. Krysten. Because we might molest a fish together soon.

There you have it. While you read this I was most likely in my mini van driving to Tennessee. I obviously will be armed with a camera. Seriously- I should start a donation bucket for yall to donate to me so I can get a videocamera and tape my roadtrips. It would be epic. I could be Jersey Shore in a van. Or similar. ;)

Oh Jeez. The suspense has to end soon.

Seriously peeps- as much as it's probably killing you (or not...but thank you for the fakers!) it's killing me EVEN MORE about the suspense.

I had two for sure meetings/appointments and then one that wasn't supposed to be but ended up being a meeting and every one of them was so strange and hilarious I just want to share them all with you. And I will. I promise. Just not today or this weekend. But as a teaser- I had a meeting on a bed in a hotel. No, I am not lying. No, I'm not going to turn into a hooker although I hear it pays pretty well. Yes, I almost pissed myself from trying to hold in uncontrollable fits of laughter. Seriously- I am working on my first book right now and I have this URGE to start on book two already. I am not even kidding. It's going to be fabulous.

Anyways. So I'm mega stressed out. This last week has been a week from hell. Obviously, I'm hoping it is only like poser-hell because I've always known I am going to hell but I have always kind of hoped there would be perks. Like all you can buffets, recliners with cup holders, and a steady stream of AA batteries. But this week provided me none of that and that makes me angry.

BUT...last week's hell (which I'll recap next week sometime AND bring down the curtain of mystery...) is turning into this week's madness. For those of you paying acute attention you will remember that I am going to Tennessee this weekend to see my cousin Rhonda graduate. For those of you who have the attention span of a gnat or are dumb, I live in Wisconsin. At the tip of Lake Superior to be exact. I am about 14 hours away from Rhonda. This means:

• I am going to be driving the entire stretch because Matt has pretty bad road rage and a short attention span while driving.
• We will have two kids under the age of 5 to entertain for 14 hours while they are strapped into car seats.
• I am officially off my diet this weekend so I can survive on Pizza Combos, Pepsi, and Snickers bars. Oh- and Slim Jim's. God bless gas stations.
• My marriage will be tested. If the kayak trip taught us anything, it's that Matt and I are a really suck ass team.
• I am having to rely on the GPS, affectionately known as Maggie, which as some of you might recall- is not completely reliable. Even more so now that we realized that our maps are outdated. Oy. We'll just wing it like we usually do.
• There will not be a post from me tomorrow. Don't die- I promise you that you will be ok.
• Next week's posts should be fun.
• I am going to try to post on Saturday a quickie recap. Friday there will be a Domestic Bitch post. ;)

QUESTION: (Mr. O-- I'm calling you out..can you help me??) Please check out this YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/user/petitbiel#p/u/0/IyFrPjsnCLs (I will warn you it's a Robert Pattinson vid. You can't watch the entire thing without agreeing he is a beautiful male specimen. Yummy. ANYWAYS. What song is playing?! I fucking LOVE that song. Now granted- it's probably on the YouTube page somewhere but yah..I'm in a hurry. Sorry. If you figure it out let me know- I'd be interested in making a purchase. Or 50. ;)

Dear Uterus: RIP

Awhile back I talked about Matt's decision that he wanted no more babies. (I would link back to this but I have been ask to remove said post..more on that in a future post..) I say it's Matt's decision because if we're being truthful, I would like to have more babies. Which is really weird because for as long as I can remember I was always the person who wanted two babies, one girl, one boy. And that's exactly what I got.

Funny how things work out.

Now Jackson was conceived at a really bad time in my life and in our marriage. No doubt about that. And I suffered with post partum depression with Olivia and that is something I wish on nobody. But I have found that I have really become a better person since becoming a mommy. For one, I'm more organized and anal then ever before. I revel in making lists and keeping other people in line so this naturally is the best job for me.

But Matt wants no more and I have to respect that. It hurts me and it's hard. I would be lying if I said there are some moments, when I'm all alone, that I don't go into Jackson's room and sit in the rocking chair and cry. Because I am going to miss it. I miss everything about a baby.

And I can say that because FOR THE RECORD...I can count on one hand how many times I have ever gotten up in the middle of the night for either baby for feedings. Seriously. Matt is a very good guy in the regards that he knows exactly what I need to function and not kill others: at least 12 hours of sleep. Anything less and I cannot be held accountable for my actions.

Matt also cleans up puke and poop explosions. He handles spit up (although, to my credit, I did do that with Jackson) and when they spit out their food when they decide they don't like it. Matt has an iron stomach for these things whereas me....I'll puke if I see someone puke or even smell something that even remotely reminds me of puke. I'm a pussy. Whatever. At least I'm honest.

But about 2 or 3 weeks ago I had to bitch slap my uterus who went into overdrive when I saw a mom with a new baby. The cry? BREAK MY HEART I love it. I can handle the screaming, piercing cry of a newborn. So longs as they don't puke or shit themselves where it comes out of the diaper. Then I hand it off. But I have boobies that babies LOVE. Seriously. My boobs can put any baby to sleep. When Olivia was in a toddler class I used to revel in the mom's who brought babies in. They'd be dealing a toddler in the bathroom and I would totally take their crying baby and just rock it. To get my fix.

Babies = crack

So I had to make the decision to rid the house of baby stuff. So I threw out all of the bottles. Granted, Jackson hasn't used a bottle in 16 months so the fact I have been hiding them in the back of the microwave cart says something.

And we took down the crib and bought Jackson his big boy bed. I can't lie- I cried. I cried like a bitch for a good hour. And Matt just took it down like his freedom depended on it. Jackson was thrilled and Olivia loved the temporary chaos and mess. But there I am...crying.

But obviously- Jackson loves his big boy bed.

I bought him car/truck bedding and we put the bed rail up. I took down all of the Classic Winnie the Pooh wall stickers and art down. I took everything baby out of his room and all things big boy are in there. When you walk into the door- this is what you first see: And then if you look to the left- here's the rest. His room is very small. He's getting a new lamp, new cd player/radio, and some artwork Jamie is going to do for us. (Side note- no rush, Jamie! I'm not quite finished deciding if I like where the furniture is yet!!)
And of course, I left the rocking chair in there. It sits next to the window that overlooks our back yard. I can't get rid of that quite yet..
Jackson is super in love with his car rug thing. A friend of ours gave this to us and Jackson loves it. He really likes cars, but his current fav are "diggers" which is basically any kind of construction vehicle.

But I'm sad. My baby is now two years old. My oldest baby is going to be five. I have friends who said they just know when they are done. And I know very much so that the thought of being officially done is heart breaking. Not only was I lucky enough to have a husband who did midnight feedings (and didn't even wake me up once), I had two fabulous pregnancies. I enjoyed every minute of being pregnant. I actually enjoyed both of my labor and deliveries. It's like my body was meant to be a baby making machine.

I already told Matt that if I ever got the opportunity- I would most definitely be a surrogate mother for someone. Getting paid, obviously. I just really liked being pregnant. I really liked being in labor and feeling my body basically rip apart. That's weird, isn't it? I didn't like ripping/tearing from front to back but that heals. (After approximately 14 weeks for me, coincidentally) OK and I didn't like the feeling of my milk coming in or drying up. Drying up is way worse. It's the equivalent of two solid rock masses strapped to your chest that sporadically shoot liquid. Or leak without cause. They are like a kick stand on a bike if you lay on your side. It's awful. But after a few weeks that goes away too.

Plus, it's absolutely undeniable. We make cute babies, if nothing else.

No Spanx You

First off- I'm sorry I'm being all MIA and shit. Seriously. I have had a REALLY rough last week which started from Monday and continued until yesterday. I mean, eventually I'll write all about it but I'm still trying to get things under control up in here.

Anyways.

So I have to post about this because it's bothered me for awhile.

Every time I go into a store specifically geared to women I inevitably find the rack holding Spanx or other body shapers. And it drives me nuts. I think the concept is so ridiculous that I have no idea why any self respecting woman would go for this.

For the men in the world who have not been duped by a Spanx or the women who never leave their homes- Spanx and body shapers basically "firm up" your boobies and make them look more perky. They slim out your mid section so any evidence of having a child or eating lunch has disappeared. They sometimes squeeze your thighs which if we're being honest- shouldn't be all out in the wind anyways.

I mean look at this:

Is it just me or does this woman instantly look like a man? No woman looks attractive when it appears that she may actually be a transvestite. Now don't get me wrong- I love me some gays, lesbians, transvestites, etc. I love them all and they are fabulous. But this isn't right.

I do not have a flat stomach. Honestly- I don't know if I ever did. If I did I certainly don't remember it. But you wouldn't know it because I? Know how to shop FOR MY SIZE. Take the woman in the picture above. Really? If you don't have a flat stomach you do one of two things: find a better cut dress or buy the next size up. Don't squeeze into something that doesn't flatter your body type and then complain about being fat.

When I go shopping I try everything on. There's this whole routine I do. Pants? Try them on- look in a mirror over every angle at least twice. Sit down- evaluate how I look sitting down. With legs crossed and uncrossed. Is there a gap in the back? Do my thighs look big? Do my legs look short? When I sit does it make my stomach roll?

If it's a shirt I try it on and evaluate all angles and the sit down test. I bend over (how much of a show am I going to give?), I jump around, I do light jogging in place- how does the bra placement and boobs look after activity? Does the shirt ride up? Does it come to the middle of my ass? I do windmills with my arms- can I even move my arms?

All of this. Before I buy the damn thing. I won't wear shirts that make my stomach look big or make it look like I have a roll (which is gone when I stand up now..thank you fuckmill). I am ubber picky about skirts/dresses. I have short legs so I don't want to look stumpy.

I am convinced if the women of America would just stop obsessing over the number on their clothes we wouldn't need Spanx. I have 3 different pant sizes- depends on where I shop. Same with shirts, it is a different size depending on the cut and where I am buying it.

And I've always wanted to ask a guy- have you ever taken a chick home wearing a Spanx? How does sex work? Obviously if it were me I'm not undressing in front of a guy if I'm wearing control top anything or any kind of body shaper. Those are hideous and frankly, they are scary. I am sure that you could break a rib if you put one on that is a size too small. But let's say you are with this chick- super hot in the club. You think she is all that AND a bag of chips. Not even the .50 fun size bag but like the .99 bag of chips. You take her home..or wherever...you're getting frisky. She takes off her shirt and BAM! Three sizes of fat comes pouring out. Do you stop? Make up a story about how this obviously isn't going to work out? Or do you just finish it out thinking you've been deceived? And you know you have some Bel Biv Devoe going through your head (that girl is poison...) (is that in your head? Mine too. My bad.)

And really? Aren't you (talking to you, ladies) setting yourself up to have a low self esteem moment? You KNOW that guy is going to gasp. Just like when you gasp when he takes his pants off. You try not to but sometimes it just comes out. I would rather learn how to buy the correct size for me so I look really good in the clothes I have and then let my partner know exactly what he's working with. I mean, it's only right.

So I'd love to hear what other people think about this.

Domestic Bitch Friday. Episode Four. And then an update on me. Because some of you care.

Welcome back, bitches. I'm getting a *little* nervous because these posts aren't getting much love. Whore them out because I said so. So Mel is awesome and running the show for us on this. I like to play with boys and girls and so I play with Mel. Mel rocks. Anyways. So we do a freebie, food, and a project.



I have to start with the freebies. Because I found some fun ones, yall.

Homemade Soap- HERE

• SOS Night Fever Hangover Relief (in time for the weekend!)- HERE


• Body Heat Patches (for if you get super drunk and then fall and hurt yourself)- HERE (this one asks for you to say which magazine you read...just pick one)


• Edge Shaving Gel- HERE (click on the drop down menu on the top right, click on "free stuff". If nothing else- you can watch the three pretty ladies talk to you in sexy voices on repeat.)


• Colon Cancer Screening Kit- HERE (shut up, you know you think you have weird stuff wrong with you, too)


• Dunkin Donuts Coffee Sample- HERE (it may not be as good as the store making it for you...but here you can get a free sample. Love ya Danielle!!)


• Free Dairy Queen Blizzard- HERE (seriously. My favorite is a special mix with peanuts, chocolate, and brownie pieces. You'll thank me later.)

So my recipe is a throw back to my Dairy Queen days. I learned how to make home made Buster Bars and since then have played with different recipes using the same technique.

Behold- Sara's Super Fabulous Pudding Pops. (It's so easy even a caveman can do it.)

Make one package of chocolate pudding as directed (or any kind of pudding, really). Once that's done, mix in about 1/2 to 1 cup of cool whip. Mix together gently. Line up some Dixie cups, fill with pudding mixture. Put a popsicle stick in it, freeze.

Once they are frozen you get to eat them. To be a talentless loser you could peel the Dixie cup away and eat. If you want to be awesome like your leader- run the Dixie cup under hot water for a few seconds, then kind of squeeze and pull the cup- the pop should come right out. Enjoy in the taste and delight of being awesome like me. You could also get fancy and add some nuts, crushed cookies, etc to the pudding mixture but whatevs. I like mine like this.

My project is lame. Sorry. Basically I rid my house of baby items. I'm sad. No joke. I'll post about it in depth (you know how I roll) next week some time. But I got rid of the bottles, finished taking baby stuff out of Jackson's room, cleaned linen closets of baby stuff. Big SADS. BUT, it is super nice to have room to put other stuff.

OK- so that's my Domestic Bitch post. Now on to the heavy stuff.

I may be spotty with posting although you know I will do my absolute best to post nightly anyways. There are only a few things that prevent me from doing that: brain tumors, migraines, lack of internet access, and death. And all three of those feel like death so you'll see how I come full circle. Anyways.

I am going on a trip next weekend, and I have made some pretty heavy decisions about my life that I will fill you all in as soon the time is right. I feel like I am moving in a positive direction but I will tell you all again: I'm not pregnant, I'm not dying, I'm not getting divorced, I'm not homeless, I haven't killed anyone, I'm not really a man, I have not been contacted by aliens, and my midget neighbor still doesn't want to be my friend. In fact I think she moved out. But trust me when I tell you to keep your panties together...I will explain very soon.

And I will be honest- I have been wishy washy this entire week about it and then last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like the decision was made for me, and I just am going to go with it. It might be a mistake, I might regret it in a month, but then...maybe I won't. We'll see. The time has come my friends- this bitch is moving to greener pastures. Or at least some with less shit to walk around. Stay tuned... ;)

The Bike Incident

If you don't know about Another David, you need to go to his blog right now. He's so much smarter than I likely ever will be plus he rides bicycles and goes for insane 20 mile rides. How he doesn't permanently have a bike seat glued to his ass- I don't know. But he's fab and I love him to bits. AND if we ever meet up he's promised me an evening filled with midgets and debauchery.

Who doesn't need a friend like that?

Anyways. So I remember commenting on his blog somewhere about what I refer to as "The Bike Incident" which is what makes me leery to own a bike even though I know I would, for the most part, like it.

The story begins when I was around 12. This is me at like age 10. Apparently I wasn't cute enough to get pictures taken of me at age 12 or something. But you'll see I was still a hot bitch rocking my black spandex cropped leggins with the lace trim, the matching black/white shirt WITH a hot pink sweatshirt. While hiking in Jay Cooke State Park. In sandals.

Yo betta recognize.

Anyways. So most kids get bikes for Christmas and that's fine because they can actually ride their bikes on Christmas. For us it's kind of a great gift but torture because you know it's another 6 months before you can go out and really have fun with it. Bikes aren't super conducive to snow. Well when I was 10, my brother was 10, our parents got us mountain bikes. Not real ones, but we thought they were. All I knew was mine was white with pink and green paint splotches with black accents. It was the fucking hotness. It had gears and 10 speeds and hand brakes and yeah. It was the most bad ass bike I had ever had.

Fast forward to the spring and my dad decided he was going to teach us how to properly ride a bike. Now, I had bikes in the past and knew how to ride it. I mean, I wasn't a toddler here. But I apparently didn't know enough to not break this bike and my dad didn't want to see $100 go down the toilet. He was adamant about bike care and how we should use the kick stand and not just throw it on the ground, etc. He wanted us to take pride in our new vehicles.

So one afternoon dad comes home with this jalopy of bike he got from god knows where and he was going to take us out to what we called "The Gully" by our house. The Gully was basically an old logging road for trucks, unpaved but well worn and wide that would take you straight to the St. Louis River which is what the paper mill sits on. We had played back there and we knew that there were other trails we just didn't know we were allowed to go that far into the woods. Well, that wasn't mostly me because I was the chicken shit when I was younger and Travis probably was back there all the time lighting fires and such.

Anyways- so we get on our bikes and I figure I'm good to go. We are riding along this trail which was kind of high up. To our right was a bunch of woods and to the left was a drop off with train tracks at the bottom. We went as far as we could on our trail before realizing we had to turn around or ride down this drop off hill and ride along the train tracks.

At that moment, Travis screwed up his brakes. My dad stopped to help him and looked at me, told me to "take 'er easy" down the hill. I'm SURE he said "down the hill" which to me, means ride your bike down the hill. I see a path that is worn into the hill which obviously means it's safe because bikes have been down it. So I start out on this little path.

Approximately 2 seconds into said ride down the little path I hear my dad yell my name, and then I see it. A barrel. Half sticking out of the ground that you couldn't see from the top. Obviously, I panic and hit the barrel.

I then go airborne, do two complete somersaults in the air, at which point I separated from my bike, hit the ground, roll down the hill, land on the railroad tracks. It felt like 10 minutes that I laid there when it really only could have been a second when my bike came down. And landed on top of me.

I pretty much started crying and thought I was going to die. But here comes my brother and Dad, taking their leisurely fucking time around the path, not the way I went, and asked me if I was ok. I remember my dad telling me to get up because I had to ride the bike home and him asking me several times if the bike was ok.

Nice.

At some point I was hobbling along and it felt like I had blood running down my leg. My dad told me that I had to take my pants off to see if I had gotten hurt. So there I am, age 12, half naked next to some railroad tracks, crying, and the biggest bruise I have ever seen developing in my left inner thigh. This thing was the size of a dinner plate and was the inner thigh and part of the front and back. Black as night. And puffy. It was getting more and more puffy and it hurt like a som'of'a'bitch.

I had to walk home like that because riding the bike was not going to happen. My mom laughed. Travis teased me. My dad said I needed more lessons.

I rode my bike again, on flat roads only, for a few more years. And every once in awhile, I see them go on sale and I think I'd like to buy one and take the kids out. But then I think oy...I don't want to be that loser parent that rides bikes with their kids. Those kids always got beat up.

Another sign of a brain tumor

So I'm pretty much brain dead. I can't think of things to post when I come to sit down but all day my brain is so active and just churning out ideas and I think about writing things down, but then I get all busy and forget.

And then I come home, sit down at my desk and nothing. Nothing is up in there. So I obviously think the worst and assume that the brain tumor that I am sure is there is just acting up. And I wish I could be like, "Brain tumor- simmer the fuck down" but I don't think he'd listen to me. And yes, I've decided my eventual brain tumor is a boy. It just has to be.

Another sign is that I was super excited to play Lego's with the kids today. Now I know that most parents like hanging out with their kids, and I do, but I really don't like playing toys. Like I don't get into it like I did when I was younger. So I'll sit near them, talk to them, hold a block and basically zone out. I mean, that doesn't make me a bad parent. I'm just tired. And thinking of everything I could be doing.

But tonight when I got home I made a phone call and changed out of my work clothes and was like gun-fucking-ho to play Lego's. I don't know. When I was younger I was never big into blocks. I was a Barbie girl (cue song..you know you're singing it) but occasionally I'd venture into blocks. I remember once I built this house, completely furnished without a roof so I could play with my Lego people in it. The house was really nice, it had working doors (front and back), windows (with shutters and window boxes with flowers) and a mailbox. I made a truck with working doors and a trunk. It basically looked like my 1980's version of a Chevy Avalanche. I could have been rich had I sold my idea to Chevy back then.

I made this house when I was 6 or 7 and kept it, intact until I was seriously 12. I used to line up hard cover books on my bedroom floor to drive cars on (I was a big fan of matchbox cars) because my carpet was super shitty. The wheels would get all tangled in the carpet then I'd have to take safety scissors to the carpet.

Sorry, mom. That's why patches of carpet was gone in my room.

But basically I was never a toy kid. I mean, sure when I was little I did the Little People, My Little Pony, Barbies, etc but by the age of 10 I was basically done. I liked music, makeup, jewelry, clothes, and pens. I loved me some fucking pens. My brother and I used to ride our bikes to White Mart (seriously- I swear to you that's what it was called back then) when we lived in Cloquet and I would blow my allowance on three things: orange slices (the candy), nail polish, and pens. Because that's what the cool kids do.

It's been years since I've thought about what kinds of retarded stuff I liked when I was little. Maybe that will be my next post. Toys that I loved. Or something. But today when I was playing blocks? I realized that I still don't like blocks. But hanging out with Jackson and Olivia was pretty cool anyways.

Anyways. So I'm feeling like a bad leader because my posts this week are suckish. I'm sorry. Just know that I'm working really very hard on something totally awesome coming soon and that my posts will get better. Liek I mentioned earlier this week when I was all vague on you- lots of things are happening for me personally and soon...very soon...I'll be able to spill the beans.

And no, I'm not pregnant. I have had a secret baby, I haven't grown any limbs, I don't really have a brain tumor (I think), I am not dying, and Bat Boy is not my child.

Not totally skinny, but marginally closer

So after I called out Mr. O via email about his lack of....participation... he called me out on the weight loss thing. And since I, yet again, have very little time to blog tonight (so sorrys yall) I am going to give you the quick and dirty of my weight loss program.

Basically I'm walking. A lot. So much so that it hurts every time I do it and I am frequently on the puke threshold. Which I think is awful but I've *heard* it's good. I have started doing a running/walking combination, mostly on my fuckmill and even though that is horrible, unfun, terrible, and cruel- it's not killing me. Sure, my calves often feel like they are being clubbed but I cannot deny the muscle tone. That is definitely there, which means progress.

I am still going to Curves on average three times a week. I absolutely hate it. It's not the exercises necessarily, it's the fact that I am usually the only person without a workout buddy. So I'm doing my thing, alone. Which sucks. Plus the music they play is so offensive I should report them to the RIAA. They play the Go-Go's a lot. Seriously. If it isn't a horrible Go-Go's mix, and 80's mix of crap songs from that decade turned into techo, it's classic rock turned European techno. It's just wrong and frankly- it should be criminal.

Needless to say while I don't think I'm seeing huge results from Curves I will say that my arms are less flappy. I mean, if nothing else, less flap is good for everyone. I even bought...wait for it...a sleeveless shirt.

I know- MONUMENTAL. Granted, I bought a light sweater to go over it but that's mostly because I will probably freeze in the shirt. But I look good. This will be the first time, since my honeymoon, that I am daring to wear a sleeveless shirt in public.

Gold claps and fist pumps, yo.

I have gained two pounds since my last check in, so I believe I am at 173. BUT...before you get all Debbie Downer on me, my pants are still loose. I can feel muscle tone building in my stomach area, my legs are defining better and again, less flappy on the arms.

OH! I should also note I am pretty sure that my thighs? Aren't molesting each other like they used to! Girls- you know how when you have actual thighs and not twigs that could break if a strong gust of wind came along and the insides touch? Well mine were like making out. Like full on makeout session and groping. It is no good. But I am going to take a picture of me in a bathing suit in about a week or so and we will see if the thigh touching has gotten any better in comparison to my Florida pictures from October.

Until then- lots of exercise and feeling of death. And sweat.

Big Changes Are Coming....

I have had seriously, one hell of a weekend. Without divulging too much until the time is right please know this blog may be moving. I have had an idea tickling the brain tumor that surely is forming in the back of my head for awhile (the idea...or maybe the tumor too...oh who cares..) and I think I am going to jump in and just do it.

How's that for vague?

Don't worry- I will keep you all updated on what I do but it might be all covert ops. Kind of. Probably not, but let's pretend.

So I did go to the doctor on Friday just like I said I would and bam- I have my migraine prescription refilled (rejoice!) and I am back on anti-depressants/anxiety meds. Awful. They are seriously making me sick so that sucks, but I'm assured they will start working soon. We'll see.

A very major life change is on the verge of happening. Matt and I need to talk more about it and when I know- I will let you know.

Sorry for the really super vague and not funny blog post...but I assure you with the last 4 or 5 days I have had there is a reason for it. Things I have thought about for awhile now are actually happening and again, I was right. Like I usually am. I am getting my bearings about me and I'm going to take it head on. Well, Matt and I will. Because even though things aren't peachy- we are a team. And in times like this, it's nice to have him here to help me.

Tune in tomorrow for a better post. Until then, (if you are reading this between 7:30 and 9:30 pm central standard time) go to http://wegl.auburn.edu, click on "streaming" and support fellow blogger, Mr. O and his radio show.

Mother's Day Rocks- because I'm a winner.

Greetings sluts and whores! So I forgot to post about this yesterday because sometimes I can be a complete retard. I'm sorry- I just can't help it.

So in April a fellow blogger, Spirit Phoenix, was having a give away based on doing good deeds. Obviously I was going to win this no matter what. Luckily for me and another fellow blogger, Insatiable Host, I did win. How did I win? Well I bought Insatiable Host her very first vibrator. I was shocked, and slightly appalled, that this adorable and super fun chick had not taken life by the AA batteries and bought herself one. Clearly, this is something I can't ignore. So I bought Insatiable her first vibe and I hear it's fabulous. But then I saw that Spirit was having this good deed contest and I thought well hell-- if THAT isn't a good deed then I don't know what is. And then I won. Yay for fun mail! But you want to see what I actually won, don't you??

I would by lying if I said that it's all sitting on my counter like this. The candy is gone (obviously), the chocolate sauce (in the jar) is AWESOME on cheesecake. I got a cool new jean bag for my books, awesome feather earrings, a photo envelope, all kinds of other stuff that is so fun and awesome. I've been busy AND have an idea for the cool square frame I got. Obviously once I'm finished I'll share with you what I did with it.

But today is Mother's Day! (If you haven't called your mama you need to.) My mom rocks. I should rent her out because she is that awesome. My mom tells me when I'm an idiot, and tells me when I rock. She listens to me complain, all of the time, and she watches my kids when I'm at work. She is fabulous. But it's hard to not be fabulous when your daughter is this cute. Seriously.

I dare you to say I'm not cute. I'm fucking adorable. I still am as a matter of fact. AND I look like my mom. We even have the same hands and feet.

But I'm a mommy myself now and I have really super cute kids. I have Olivia, my oldest who will be FIVE in September. (Let's take a moment to let that sink in...) and she keeps me on my toes. She's fun and sassy. She's adorable and sweet. She's gets excited about poop and is a picky eater. She loves music and makeup. She likes her nails done and jewelry. Basically- she is exactly like me.

Well then I have Jackson who is 2. He is my mama's boy and I wouldn't have it any other way. He is mischievous, he's handsome. He makes me laugh and he likes music. His current favorites are Jimi Hendrix and Manchester Orchestra, whom he calls "Chezzie". He likes food and is addicted to milk, which he calls "moke".

Together my kids keep me on my toes. They can tear apart a room in seconds. And they may or may not start fighting with each other. They are goof balls and do each other's hair and makeup. While rocking out.

I love them both dearly and even though Olivia tries my patience with the attitude, I wouldn't change it about her. I can't be mad at her for long especially when she picks me beautiful bouquets of dandelions.

And even when Jackson throws a terrible two tantrum I'm ok. Because you can't get mad at adorable. Well you can. But it never lasts long when he grabs your face with both hands and kisses you. Or gives you a superhero hug.

But this year I actually got a Mother's Day present. Seriously. And for those of you who remembered what I got for my birthday, you might be worried about Matt's health and well being. I can assure you he is still alive. And even though Matt doesn't retain anything I actually say to him which sucks, he can still read. Because folks- he reads my blog. How do I know?? Because in the post I just linked I talked about what he COULD have gotten me. And he actually got it for me.

That's right bitches. This leader is the proud owner of the Jimi Hendrix Experience box set that comes in the purple velvet box.

Now would be an appropriate time to just appreciate my awesomeness.

I also got cute cards from the kids. Then I bought myself a new pair of pants for work, two new bras, a new pair of sandals, the new cd from Minus the Bear (no more listening to the free preview!!), a Cage the Elephant cd....AND.... I got to be home. Alone. Matt took the kids out to his parents house and I got to sit here in the quiet.

That? May have been the best gift of all.

Happy Mother/Head Bitch's Day!

Q & A with the leader. Like follow the leader, but cooler.

So I have a ton of stuff I want to blog about and I have a ton of pictures to share but my dedicated lambwhores and goatsluts have really gotten the point and asked more questions. I love questions.

Pretty much the only reason I want to be famous, aside from potentially spitting in Kristen Stewart's drink, is to do interviews. This is excellent practice.

If you could change anything about your body, would you? Do you prefer no boobs and no ass? I would change my stomach. I'd like to have a flat stomach. As much of a pain the boobs and ass are they make financial sense. I can't even tell you how many times I've gotten a free drink or an employee discount. Thank you ba-donk-a-donk.

What's the next vacation you plan to take either as a family or with friends? Actually in about two weeks we are taking a mini-vacation to Tennessee to see my cousin Rhonda graduate high school. Then she's going to come here in July and I'm tossing her out of a plane. With me. We're sky diving. It will be awesome and I promise you hi jinks will happen. Which may or may not consist of my pissing and/or barfing on my tandem instructor.

What do you most look forward to in life? I look forward to my 30's. Actually- even though I'm scared shitless about the dirty 30, it feels like a milestone I would enjoy. I'm going to be the most badass 30something. Ever.

Have you ever slept with a girl? No, but I've kissed a girl. Confession time: the thought of a blow job does nothing for me, but going down a girl? Sounds like not only would I be better at it but that I would also enjoy it more.

What do you think of gays and lesbians? I love my gays! I need a gay guy friend. Seriously. I need a clothing intervention and I need a gay to help me. I also feel like having a gay around would make my language look tame in some situations. Lesbians are hot and awesome. I think they rock and are a ton of fun.

Have you ever thought seriously about doing stand up comedy? Nope. Not because I wouldn't like the attention, because if we're being honest I love, love, love being the center of attention, but because I don't know if I could be consistently funny all of the time. And I am more of a story teller, not a joke person. So while I could tell all KINDS of stories about just about everyone I know, I'm not good at making stuff up.

What was it about blogging that made you want to have your own blog? I actually like to write a lot. And all of my friends in real life have said for years that I should write a book so I thought this would be good practice. And so far it has been. Plus I get to call people sluts and whores. And you all like it.

Does your family, friends, and coworkers read your blog? Yes to all of the above. I would say to new bloggers to not tell any of your family or coworkers you have a blog, and only tell select friends that can keep their mouth shut. I don't write about work although I'd have so much material, because I would definitely get fired. I have had super upset family members who think I'm too out there and too open, but at the end of the day- I don't really care. This blog has done more for me than anything else ever has and I enjoy it. HA! Just wait until they see my book. ;)

How do you come up with your catch phrases? (ie: Lamb Whores and Goat Sluts) I don't really think of these- they just come out of my mouth. I say things at random pretty much all of the time and most of the time people just look at me like I'm a regular crack head hitting a low and in search of a new hit. But that's ok because I like being a dork.

What's your favorite punctuation mark? Hmm. I like the question mark because it's fun to write.

Are you going to be walking to your car alone at night anytime soon? Absolutely not. I'm so fucking terrified of the dark it's redonkulous. It's absolutely embarrassing how scared I am.

What happens when you get scared "half to-death" twice? I piss myself.

If you see a sign that says "Wet Paint", do you have the inclination to touch it? Yup. And I actually touch it before I see the sign then gag because I think it's jizz or something. I mean, you just never know.

If a bird flies over at noon, will the water in the pot boil quicker that night? I have no idea. I actually suck at boiling water, so for whatever reason my pot never boils. Like I have never seen a "rapid boil" even with it on HIGH and the lid on. I'm a boiling failure.

Are those two animals on your button humping? Yes. I think that is perfectly normal.

Anyway, would you quit your day job to be the manager/PR person for my rock band called Hot Dog in a Hula Hoop? Yes. Let me know when I start. We can all get matching tattoos.

Hey....I'm sooo much older then you and have only just bought my 1st vibrator....does that make me me a loser or....a slow learner.....??? It depends. Do you have tennis elbow from it? Because if you have tennis elbow from the frequency of using it I'm sad you only have one kind. I mean, they come in different sizes and textures. Have you tried the life like ones? Those are nice. I consider myself advanced, but even a 10 incher is big for me. Stay away from that unless you don't care if your cervix survives.

Do angels sing when you open up your sex drawer? Ah, no drawer. They are in two different baskets in my closet on a shelf hidden by clothes. Vibrators are in one, cockrings, lubes, etc in the other. Even my sex supplies are organized. :)

Have you ever tried anal, or are you vag only? I have tried anal and it's not so bad. A little awkward to get the rhythm, but once you get going it's pretty decent. Better than a vag orgasm? No. Better than nothing? Yes.

Funniest sex experience? Well I haven't had a lot of funny stuff happen in sex- I'm all about getting down to business. But when Matt and I were just dating he lived in a house with two other guys and all of the bedrooms were upstairs. He had a roomie named Jason (who owned the place) who always had girls coming in and out and when they'd have sex they were super loud. I won't even speak of the time it was happening in the shower and I was there getting my books for school. So one night Matt and I were hanging out and you know how things progress and we were loud. And rough. I mean it was seriously a show of athleticism like no other. I was sore for 4 days afterwards and could barely walk, so that tells you what was happening. Anyways. So the next day, Jason asked how the night was, we said fine, etc. Apparently, we had knocked off everything that was on the shelves mounted to the wall. The same wall that shared Matt's headboard. That? Was excellent payback.

OK- thanks for tuning in lovers. I'll be back tomorrow night to show you what I won, mostly to brag about it, and then something else. Oh! I'll show you what I got from Matt & the kids for Mother's Day. Which I got early because Jackson started opening it. Whatever. He may have failed my birthday but he pulled it out for Mother's Day.