Saturday, February 27, 2010

Saturday Randoms About Absolutely Nothing.

I have, literally, a ton of future posts bubbling in my head and since I don't have the photos to complete any of them, we'll chat about my weekend. Mmkay?

  • If you follow me on Facebook you would have seen my Target shopping list this morning: rubber maid bins (a lot of them), bleach, bucket, rubber gloves, chocolate and Pepsi. Which sounds kind of like the shopping list of a psycopathic murder who needs to dispose of a body but no, folks. Matt is still alive, but I have the itch. The spring cleaning itch. Actually- I get these every few weeks and decide that I need to show this house who is the head bitch. (That's me if you're new to this joint) Well I cleaned the house like it is nobody's business. Closets? Organized. Bathroom? Scrubed until my fingers were raw and even the kids were complaining of bleach fumes. Toys? Not tamed, but god dammit they will be.
  • While at Target I purchased a few of the things going into my birthday giveaway. I wanted a theme beyond the "I'm turning 28 and starting to panic about 30 because I'm still cool, right?!!?" theme that is a given.'s going to be a "Sara's Favorite Things Because Oprah Sucks". Nice.
  • But when I was at Target the cashier commented on the candy (it's a hint, yall) I bought. She's all like, "Oh my god!! These were my favorite when I was little. But I hated brushing my teeth so now I have a ton of problems with them" and proceeds to show me her teeth. Folks, I'm not lying when I say I only saw 3. Of course Olivia has a look of horror at this and Jackson starts clapping and show the lady his teeth. So when we get to the car Olivia says, "Mama, is that what happens when you don't brush your teeth?" Yes, dear. Tonight? She's brushing like a maniac.
  • So between the bleach fumes up in here we also have paint fumes. If you follow me on FaceBook (and at this point you still don't- I'm questioning your allegiance to the lamb leader, which would be me. Holla.), you'll remember about a week ago Matt was trying to kill us all with paint fumes. Why all the paint? Why is it taking him fucking forever? All in good time, lambs. ;) Once everything dries, I get my new PAINTING and my new PHOTO on the wall I will do an entire post about the most indecisive paint project ever.
  • I finished the party invitations for Jackson's 2nd birthday party coming up. He gets hosed this year because his actual birthday is Easter which hi- we don't celebrate. OK so we basically eat a shit load of candy and hope to god some restaurant is open so I don't have to cook. Beyond that- um...kind of another day.
  • While I was furiously scrubbing the house, taking out loads of shit (mostly Matt's junk that was left unattended in various rooms) Matt napped. Really? Because what is that even fucking like? And then when I'm all like, "Thanks for being a fucking lazy ass, AGAIN" he's like, "I"m going to paint so shut up" and I'm like, "Right before we go to bed? So we can inhale obnoxious, potentially deadly fumes that will give me fucking nightmares that would scare even Tim Burton? THANKS."
  • I'm so proud of myself- I figured out how to send a picture via text yesterday. Granted, I'm not sure which picture went to who but it said "photo sent". Progress, people, progress.
  • Um.. MUSE is on 3/12 countdown BEGINS.
  • I'm turning 28 on 3/10. SCARY.
  • I need to plan a kick ass, cheap, not super far away vacation. Ideas?

OK so yeah. That's my weekend so far. It sucks, sorry. Oh- I did go out to lunch with my lil' bro yesterday who is fucking hilarious. He's going to hook me up with new tires for my van so I can stop putting air in every other day and pissing off the guy at the Holiday gas station because I can't ever fucking figure out the little gauge thingie and have to have him help me. He'll be happy too.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Week Two & Three Weigh In/Progress Report.

For those of you who are on the edge of your seats in suspense for my weight is my second weigh in/progress report update. (Did you miss week one? First off, shame on you. Second, go here)
Week One Pic

Week Three

OK so not a huge difference here. But things I have noticed is that I am down a pants size. My only touch way at the top, I don't feel like a tummy roll when standing, which means it's getting smaller. My ass does not jiggle. It's firmer so that's hot.

My efforts:

2/15: 1.712 miles

2/16: 1.641 miles

2/17: 1.655 miles

2/18: 1.66 miles

2/19: 0--hurt ankle the night before

2/20: 0--watched people get drunk at bars instead. (BUT, I did walk through the mall for 3 hours)

2/21: 0--but cleaned the house top to bottom and was sore the next day.

2/22: 1.488 miles

2/23: 1.548 miles

2/24: 1.727 miles

2/25: 1.60 miles

I also did a weigh in last night and it read 173.2 pounds. WHAT THE FUCK? I have reduced the number of calories I'm taking in AND walking until I feel sweaty and disgusting, also on the puke threshold.

What does this mean:

- it means I have lost exactly 6 pounds since my first weigh in of the year on 1/23/10.

- it means I lost .8 since my weigh in on 2/14 or whenever that was. Suck.

- it means I'm really hungry and getting pissed off.

My Plan:

I am seriously thinking very hard (which totally explains the burning smell around here) about doing this 10 week weight loss class. It's held at Progressive Martial Arts near me and I met a chick last weekend who SWEARS by it. Now I would normally just jump on the "I don't want to be fat anymore" band wagon but her FB status updates are scaring the shit out of me. One mentioned that it feels like being run over by a bus, then tells me it's fun. Um, being hit by a bus doesn't so fun. It sounds like I'll cry and say a lot of swears. It's a little over $300 for a ten week session and I believe you go 6 days a week. It will kick your ass. It involves fitness kickboxing, kettles, those band thingies, stretching, and like a lot of other stuff. It will kick your ass. I might actually die, folks.

I don't know. I think I might do it. I'll probably die. I should probably get some life insurance.

Giveaway...(Because your Lamb Whore Leader is *almost* a year older) coming

Guess what? The head Bitch up in here is turning 28 on March 10. And because I never get anything for my birthday and my last *true* party was when I was 8 and I got a jean purse, I am going to have my own party.

This will mainly consist of bonding with the fuckmill but more importantly-- packing for MUSE! In Chicago! Yes. Sip on your haterade but I will be taking names in the balcony above the balcony behind the stage of MUSE because WE?? Have ghetto tickets. Whatevs. It's better than going to The Flame again.

But because I am an awesome and cool mommy (to kids and lamb whores alike) I am going to do a giveaway. I will go get the supplies this weekend and post it on Monday. But there won't be one giveaway. Or two. BUT the potential for 3+.

I also won't use a ghetto random number generator. No, that's why I have children. Because they are my miniture slaves who work for candy. Otherwise it's time-out for them.


(ok, I'm not really kidding. I will totally do it this way)

Stay tuned. Be back here on Monday..around 8pm to not be a fucking loser. ;)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My Biggest Fear and... Book Review: THE LOVELY BONES by Alice Sebold

This is going to be an easy post because hello---it will all come into a nice little circle. If I had blog bows I'd put one on.

So today I'm going to tell you a little bit about myself that is kind of personal and not a lot of people actually know about me. (Sara loves her lamb whores--- sparkly kisses to you!)

I, even at the age of 27 almost 28, am scared of the dark. Not all dark, like I can sleep in the dark just fine with no worries unless I have to get out of bed or something. You'll never see me take out the garbage in the dark. You'll never see me walking alone in the dark. I'll be outside in the dark if I have at least one person with me but I prefer more. I won't walk around my house in the dark. I'm terrified of scary movies. I believe in ghosts but they scare me. I'm scared to be in crowds by myself.

I also have a gut instinct that has never been wrong. I have the little hairs on the back of my neck and I always trust it.

There are lots of reasons I am like this but primarily it's from my early childhood. Without going into a lot of detail that I don't like to talk about, I will say that I have seen things little kids shouldn't see. I have lived in not so great neighborhoods. I was raised in the early 80's in Florida which is when a lot of kidnappers were just snatching kids so I grew up with a mom who was scared of that. And I'm actually thankful she was like that because I believe it gave me an intuition a lot of people don't have.

But I will tell you my biggest fear of all: To be abducted. I am terrified that I will be abducted, kidnapped, murdered, etc. You name it and I'm scared of it in that scenario. I can't even tell you how many times I have woken up at night by a dream of this happening to me.

So to that end, I decided to read a book that NOBODY with these kind of fears has any kind of business to read.

For those of you who don't know- this book is narrated by the main character really, Susie Salmon who was a 14 year old girl who was raped and murdered close to her home. Her entire body is never found, only an elbow, and it's the story of her watching her friends and family go on as she's in her Heaven.

There are a few things that freaked me out. Number one was her murder. It's gruesome and I am not going to lie- I couldn't sleep after I read it. I laid in bed with my light on. Number two is how it really highlights how everyone copes differently but because of that, the family falls apart. Number three is her description of Heaven. It's not this vast white space, it's whatever she wants it to be- she decides who/what is in her Heaven. Number four is the character I identified with even though I didn't want to. The mother. I really felt a connection to the mother who isn't even that great. She leaves her family because she really can't handle any of it. And as a young mom myself, I can really relate to the "I made a mistake and I want to start over" sentiment. Not that I would ever leave my children, but I can certainly understand that feeling.

I have to say that the book was kind of slow and frustrating to me. I really wanted legal justice, and although something happens to the killer that was probably a good ending just the same- I felt a sense of remorse for the other victims. The only think I thought was kind of far fetched is also at the end when Susie is in a living person's body. I don't know. I just felt like that wasn't really needed but on the other hand it gave a closure to the characters involved there.

In all, it was a good book. It was hard to continue reading in some spots because it was slow but it was interesting. Will I see the movie? Oh hell the fuck no. I'd be up in there crying and terrified to leave. :)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Bra Report and I'm Still Beautiful, Bitches.

So do you remember when I almost flashed my boobies but instead just complained a whole lot about my boobies and bras?

Of course you do.

Well shortly after I did that post I went onto Lane Bryant because one of you big boob lamb whores told me that their bras actually hold boobs in. I thought the heavens were teasing me.

But they weren't. I found TWO bras that fit. And hold the girls. And don't cut of circulation to my arms. And don't poke me in my armpits. That look awesome with anything. And look great when I just want to admire them in the mirror. (And shut yo mouth if you are about to say you don't do that, too).

Here's what I found. And no, none of these chicks is me. Perverts.

Good Bra #1: I have it in this color, white, AND cream. This is probably my favorite because it doesn't feel like you are wearing a bra. The straps are comfy, the cups are comfy, you get a bit of cleavage but you aren't hoisting it up all day.
Good Bra #2: I only have this one in white and red. This one holds the girls IN. They are going NOWHERE. It's full lace but not itchy. It has comfy straps. The only thing that is kind of annoying which is why it's only #2 is that the cups kinda make your boobs cone shaped. Not enough to say- "Shit, is that Madonna?" and most people would never notice it I'm sure. So far, nobody has said anything to me, not even my mom who is never one to shy away from telling me I look like crap in something. Which is good- I'd rather her tell me the truth than lie.
THE BAD: I thought YES! A super cute/sexy bra, a little cleavage, and it's satin! Yeah, it sucks. It sucks mother fucking hardcore. What I failed to notice is you see the straps? You see how thin and kind of off to the side they are? BAD. BAD. BAD. Your boobs are falling out of this thing like babies out of OctoMom's vag. They are everywhere. I was walking down a hallway and BAM! Boob fully out of cup. Not good. Your boobs will either go up or out through the middle. There is no way to keep your boobies in line with this thing. AND the strap that goes around your back? Is kind of thin, it's thinner than the other two so hi- back fat. Welcome to the party. Even if you don't have back fat- this bra creates it for you. What a bitch.
So with that I announce that Chicken from Tales From The Chicken Coop has awarded me with an award!

So yeah- rules. 7 things you don't know about me, I pass it on to 7 people. Which is going to be fucking hard since we are probably all familiar that the interweb perverts have found me. Seriously? What more can I tell you? *sigh*. So I guess it's time to let a small sliver of my freak flag fly, eh??

1. When I eat candy (M&M's, skittles, etc) that has any kind of color associated with it I have to eat them by color. So like the blue ones, then green, then orange, etc. And I have to line them up by color. I have always considered this OCD until I saw a Law & Order Criminal Intent episode where the killer did that- line things up (in her case it was peas) and they said it's a sign of like some kind of mental illness. FAN-fucking-TASTIC. I'm sure it's just for the show, right?

2. I can't just use a cup straight out of the cupboard. I have to get it myself, and blow into it. I have no idea why. I just do. And it annoys Matt to no end because he thinks I'm weird. I know that, but still. But it's fine if I'm at a restaurant. It's only glasses out of my house. I'm sometimes ok at other people's houses. Not always.

3. I have an obsession with underwear. Since I was a little girl, I have had an undying love for underwear. Any kind. I prefer bikini but will really wear anything. Walking into Victoria Secret immediately makes me happy. I cannot walk out of there without buying underwear. I can now walk past the store without buying something, but once I walk in I have no control over myself.

4. I am obsessive with shaving my legs. I shave them everyday whether they need it or not. I remember being little and being fascinated with my mom's legs and how smooth they were. I tried shaving my legs at age 9 where I cut myself badly. I thought I got an artery because I had two totally soaked towels. And in the summer when I wear shorts for pajamas I will fall asleep by rubbing my legs together because they are ubber soft.

5. I have a really thin, long, hardly noticable scar (now) on the inside of my right leg. That is from when I was really young, maybe 6 or 7 and I stepped on a window screen that was on the ground and the corner came apart and cut my leg. I wasn't supposed to be playing over there so my mom was really mad. I remember Travis and I putting a ton of bandaids on my leg thinking mom wouldn't notice that. ;)

6. In the summer I have a little white line that goes across my nose because when I laugh and/or smile I squinch up my nose. It's probably one of my favorite features. BUT the least favorite feature is the bump on my bottom lip. I got THAT when I was young, maybe 5 or 6 when I locked my mom out of the house (who was taking the garbage out), and I ran from the door, tripped on something, and banged my lip on a metal bed frame. I *probably* should have had stiches but mom couldn't afford it so now I have the bump. It's not huge, it's actually quite small and you'd likely never notice unless you kissed me.

7. I always thought that I'd meet my husband like Sleepless in Seattle. Or once I read in a book where this couple where email friends (they were co-workers so emailed a lot about work too) for years. And one day they met for work and BAM! Relationship just happened. And I always kind of wished I would have a guy make some grand romantic gesture. Like proposing during dancing, dedicating a song, etc. Anything with music hooks me. I am a sucker for music and tying music into life. Every important (and every significant memory) event of my life is tied to a song.

OK- so the 7 lucky lamb whores:

1.Better Than Coffee

2. Egosyntonicity

3. Karlosophies

4. Katie [blogs]

5. A Rush of Blog To The Head

6. My Love Bugs

7. Things, Just Things

There you go lambies! I have reasons for nominating all of these fabulous people but I'm keeping it to myself this time. ;)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Let's Talk OCD and Matt's Fucking Mess, Shall We?

For those of you who have the absolute pleasure of knowing me in real life will know that I am ubber organized. I'm a neat person. I have a clean, organized, and very efficient house. I'm particular about smells up in my house so when you walk in you will likely smell either a cinnamon spice candle, the red one from Pier One that smells like kool aid and rocks my fucking world, or a Fruit Punch one (equal world rocking power) that I get from Kohl's. I clean my bathrooms a lot and if you come anytime on Sunday you will get high in there from the smell of bleach because that is my major deep clean day.

I recommend Sunday to visit my house. Because not only will you get high for free, but you'll get a fucking terrific dinner of baked spaghetti that I make with dessert. My spaghetti? Will blow your fucking mind. My spaghetti brings the boys to the yard. Fuck the milkshakes.

Let's talk about Matt's fucking mess because that is just grinding me to no god damn end. So let's invade his space, shall we?
There here is a picture of closet (no doors after three years---more on THAT later). Notice in the closet there is a hamper with kind of a clear bag thing and white base? That's for our dirty clothes. This ugly blue dresser is his. See the clothes on the floor?? Those are filthy and stinky. Only feet from the hamper. DRIVES.ME.FUCKING.NUTS.
Here's a more detailed pic of the dirty pile.
This basket? Is clean clothes that I have soaked, washed, dried, folded, sorted, and conveniently placed next to his dresser. It's been there three weeks. And every morning at about 3:45 a.m. he's waking my ass up to ask where his work pants are. In your fucking basket asshole.
This. Oh this. Is the TOP of his dresser. Matt has an affinity to save empty boxes, and containers. I bought him a basket thinking that maybe if he kept his "treasure" in here it wouldn't look so bad. I figure it works for a 4 year old girl, surely it would work for a soon to be 30 year old guy. Right? WRONG. If you need the most random thing- check here. We've got (and this isn't all inclusive): empty box for go phone that has been dead for about a year (the phone is now a play toy), water bottle, deodorant-two of them, prescription, heartburn meds , contact case, crazy glue, some meter thingie for electrical shit, remote to a DVD player we no longer own, flashlights, plastic bags, safety glasses, clock that doesn't work, keys, pencil, chapstick of mine he hijacked that is $7/tube from Bath & Body, wires, cords, empty cd cases, various hand tools, etc. WHY do you need all of this shit at hand??

Here is the box next to his dresser. More shit. The big blue rubbermaid box is full of Lego's from when he was a kid. They smell. The small blue box? Olivia's tiny Lego's. (We keep these in here so Jackson doesn't get into him because he'd likely eat them). The clear box? Clothes that no longer fit the kids that has been in here, no kidding, almost two years. I asked him to put them with the others in the garage, and you can see how far they got. The rest of this shit is a bunch of computer parts, wires, (yes, that's duct tape you see), two of his laptops, on top of Olivia' lego box is a black zip up case with like every computer program under the sun because you know- we might need that someday.
And his disaster doesn't end here. One day I will sneak out to the garage and show you THAT. He never was this way when we dated. Even in our apartment (which I loved and really miss) he was a neat freak. What the fuck happened?! I can say that with a lot of things about him but this one?? Drives me insane. I can't live like this. I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of Hoarders.
One summer, I went to the garage to sort yard sale stuff. I found, and I am not fucking exaggerating, HUNDREDS of cardboard boxes. Empty. For no reason. He gets attached to these boxes because what if we move? Nevermind we can't sell this house for another five years per our mortgage agreement and by then the boxes will likely be gross. So when he was working one Saturday I had my mom watch the kids. I cut up every single box- and took them all to the recycle place. I had to make 6 trips over the course of 4 hours but I got rid of them all. And let me tell you----this was not a happy Sara after that afternoon.
He came home in a PANIC when he realized they were gone. He asked me what happened, I totally lied and said I had no idea. To this day? He thinks someone stole his boxes. Because that would totally happen. You know people robbing house say, "Fuck the electronics, jewelry and anything with value...grab the boxes, yo!"
So yeah. I need to figure this shit out because this? Is unacceptable. I'm actually really easy to live with and I don't even snoop. But this?? Not ok. First step is to stop washing clothes not in a hamper. Matt is on his last pair of socks right now, so you know he'll have a shit fit tomorrow morning. And guess who doesn't care?
Because I'm a bitch, aka queen of the lamb whores. And I don't fuck around.

Monday, February 22, 2010

What Helps On A Bad Day? Tool, Motherfuckers

So before I get into my post about my love for Tool I'm going to talk a bit about my day. Not the entire day because honestly even though I was at work today it was decent. No huge problems, crisis situations, etc. I did get one bummer call about a volunteer and I can't lie- they may be volunteers but you get close with some of them and it's hard. And I'm working with seniors and my first funeral that I actually attended was for a volunteer. And I troll obits first thing in the morning.

BUT. My day was ok there. It was when I got home that it went to shit in a handbasket. I realized that we were having sandwiches because hi--I forgot to go grocery shopping. Ok, that's a lie, I just didn't want to go. So after eating a shittastic dinner and putting kids to bed, starting laundry, paying the bills online, balancing checkbook, planning meals for the next week, making a list, getting coupons, I set out. I was crabby. No lie. So I put in a Tool cd and rocked out on the way to store. I battled the losers at the store. I get all the way checked out ... no wallet. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! So I had to suspend my order, drive all the way home (which is of course on the other end of town), get my wallet, drive all the way back.

But they put my stuff away. So I had to re-shop. Go through the line. Again. I check out and was pumped to see I spent only $42.01 on a week of groceries (lunch/dinner for M-F and all three meals AND dessert for Saturday and Sunday). Bow down bitches.

So I put it all away real quick, change out of my work clothes, start my radio stream for Mr. O's radio show, get on fuckmill. Fuckmill kicked my ass. Hard. I haven't done it since Thursday because I was busy, gone, not here, walking my ass off at the mall (both Saturday and Sunday for three hours each...that counts for something), etc. I hardly even ate anything so that somehow balances out. Right?

Sure it does. But overall this was kind of a blah day. I didn't feel like I got anything done even though I was busy from 5 a.m. until now...8:27 p.m. I'm exhausted, I am starving, and now my legs hurt. *sigh*

Anyways. So Tool. I actually fell in love with Tool in 1997 and I first heard their Undertow record. I was like a freshman in high school and was introduced by someone who was blaring it on their Discman. I also love me some James Maynard Keenan. He's hot and has a really great voice. (hang on..I'm swooning)

Sober Vid:

In 1998 I "spent the night" with a friend for the weekend. Where I was actually at OzzFest in Someset, Wisconsin. I went specifically for Tool because I really wanted to see them, it was a fairly cheap ticket for me and I had older friends willing to go with me. So I had a friend (names not to be revealed..because they don't want to be famous. Whatevs, yo) who loved James as much as I did. So there was a pretty good break between the band before them so we run up like fucking idiots next to the stage.

The stage had a giant gong on it and I'm thinking, "Oh my god- we are so badass." People, hoards of people are coming at us. I was starting to get nervous, but I'm thinking I'm 16, rocking my appropriate hard rock chick wear, my ass kickin' boots, I'm fine.


When they opened with "Sober" friend and I were crushed up against the chain link fence. There are like big huge guys on the other side just watching as we are literally crushed against this fence. I'm trying to be cool and continue rocking out except my breathing is a little more labored. Me and my 5'3 (at the time) 120 pound frame is really no match for huge fucking guys in a mosh pit. But the bouncer guys were like, "wave if you can't breathe". Nice.

But it was ok because James was like RIGHT THERE, I could feel sweat, lambs. James' sweat. It was fine. I made it through their whole set without dying. I had bruises on my entire left side of my body and face of fence. Makeup does wonders, yall.

Fast forward to 2001 and they are touring for Lateralus. This time it's at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul. I buy Matt & I tickets for $90 a piece, this time? Balcony. This lambwhore leader? Learns new tricks.

Let me tell you something- if you ever get a chance to see Tool--- you must go. They are FABULOUS to see live. If you happen to be high, I've heard it's better. But I'm a good girl and I'll take the stoner's word for it. Matt was really freaked out at all of the violence in the pit but it was worth it. What I like about Tool is that even though James is the lead singer- you won't catch him at the front of the stage. He's on the side. Which I think is cool because it's like they all look like the lead.

But here is another Tool video. :)

So how do these two seemingly random things tie together? Because when I have a bad day I listen to Tool. I pull my cd's out, turn them up loudly and jump around. I have my own little one person mosh pit in my room. It kind of freaks the cats out but them humping blankets freak me out so I figure it's a wash. And while grocery shopping I had Tool pumping on the iPod and when I finally made it through the line for the second time, the checkout kid, some kid named Walter was like, "Props on rocking out to 'Hooker with a Penis'." The first person to EVER name the song and actually like it. So I'm like, "No- props to you checkout guy with cool glasses and excellent musical tastes". (Anybody else have the theme song to that beer commerical "Real American Heroes"?)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Surprisingly Fun Weekend. (aka do they like me or not?)

Lamb whores- I bet you thought I was kidnapped by the interweb perverts, didn't you??

Well I wasn't.


But I did have a surprisingly busy but fun weekend that was kind of confusing. On Friday my brother and I took my kids out for lunch, he got them new movies while I bought the new John Mayer cd (stop rolling your fucking eyes and judging me) at Best Buy. We decided that we were going to go shopping just him and I on Saturday.
So Saturday comes and usually Travis flakes out on me or something but this time he actually came and we left for the mall. I bought really super duper cute shoes (two pairs..but Matt only knows about the one. SSSSHHHH) but of the two my brand new black/gray plaid VANS are the best. They are so cool. I will try to take a picture sometime for ya. But Travis bought a few things and after about 2 hours we decided we're hungry. Since our mall has gone ghetto we no longer have a decent food court. Everything up in there will make you spend quality time with a toilet later and since I had plans for Saturday night (rare, exciting..yee haw) that just couldn't happen. There is a restaurant near the mall called Grizzly's which I actually like and it's usually the lunch spot my pal Lisa & I meet when we do out monthly lunch dates.
But the waitress hated me. I am convinced she hated me. I was super polite when she came to our table, used my manners, etc but that fucking bitch hated me. I had ordered a cheeseburger (super well done) with fries but I wanted my salad (containing lettuce only) first. Travis ordered some weird thing I'd never eat with an appetizer. He got his appetizer but I didn't get my salad. So I thought, "Well I'm obviously going to get it with my meal which will fuck up the fung shui of my meal, but whatevs."
No. Bitch never brought my salad out. And since I absolutely hate, hate, hate correcting waitresses because I know from working at Dairy Queen that they will screw with your food- I say nothing. Finally after Travis got his refill while my Pepsi had been gone for a good 10 minutes, she takes my glass to get me a refill. But it isn't Pepsi and to be honest, I have no idea what was up in there. But I didn't drink any more than the one sip.
So our bill comes and on the receipt (and I'm sorry the picture was blurry so I didn't post) it clearly says "Don't Make" under the charge for my salad. What the fuck?? But I'm still getting charged the $3.99 for it. Nice. She comes back asking if we need change and my brother just says, "Um no- we need a new bill" and talks about my salad.
I heart Travis.
So we get the new bill, with the salad taken off. But here's what we left her for tip:
(turn your head to the right to read it...sorry) Bitch got no tip.
So then on the way home we also stopped at Target where Travis impulsively bought a 32 inch LCD tv. Thank god I drove because it fit in the back of my van (which is sweet because I can fit a LOT back there and now that I know how much stuff I can buy in one trip and carry home--I will always have a large vehicle. So handy.) I got to see the house him and his friend Phil is renting. Travis informed me they are pretty sure they have a dead animal in the dryer which kind of explains the weird smell over on that side of the place. But it's really nice for two guys living there. They also have no food. It looks like I need to stock them up on oatmeal pies and the 5pound bucket of cheese balls since those are their favorites and they are out.
On the way back to my house so Trav could get his car- we were behind this asshole. Something actually flew out of his open trunk. How do you not know you have shit flying out of your car?
Fun fact- Travis works at this Tires Plus, too. :)
So after I got home I decided I wasn't cooking. Shopping for things you don't need is really hard work. Matt, me and the kids went out for dinner and then when we got home it was time for them to go to bed and time for me to get ready for my friend Jennie's birthday party.
I got a ride with Jennie and Scott since I can't drive in downtown Duluth to save my fucking life even though I've lived here since I was 14 or so. Don't judge me. But I also can't parallel park and am scared of parking ramps (more on that in a future post) so I just need to ride with people. So we (Jennie, Scott, me, Debbie, Darren, Kelly and Jesse) (and I know these people, but have never actually hung out with them because they are Jennie's friends) wento Dubhlinn's Pub which was really nice. I had never been there before but they do a comedy night so we were going to the 9pm one so I was looking forward to that.
I did think it was weird that I didn't get carded. But whatevs. The bar was PACKED. I was a little worried when yeah- they had country music on. Now before you starting throwing your haterade at me- I don't HATE country. I'm just not a fan of jamming out to it at a bar. I actually felt really good despite being tired and I knew I wasn't going to be drinking so it was fine.
I will say that I am not going to put all that happened during my night out for a few reasons, so sorry- but deal.
So here is (left to right) Debbie, Kelly, ME, Jennie waiting for the comedians to start.
The comedians were blah. The first guy sucked pretty bad. He was probably drunk already. The second guy was ok but his skit was basically about being high. The third guy was the best even though he talked about sex and penis stuff the whole time. So after the comedians were done, we headed out back into the bar areas and waited for a few of the guys to finish their drinks. When we walked out I spotted a really cute guy just chilling, at the table next to ours. He kept staring at me and if I looked at him he'd turn away. We sat at the table for about 20 or 30 minutes and he literally stared at me the whole time. Kind of flattering.

Then on the way out Scott (who was behind me when we left) told me the bouncer guy was checking me out. Again, flattering. But before we left we decided to go to a bar in Superior to end out night. Now, the thing about Duluth is that there is no smoking allowed in any building. Nice. So you can be in the bar and it's not smoky and you don't feel like you are going to pass out from it all. In Superior...our smoking ban doesn't kick in until this summer. That kind of sucks.

The next bar? Well ladies and gents it was The Flame. Which you can assume from the name is a gay bar. Scott and Darren were hesitant at first but you know- birthday girl rules.

So here are the four girls in front of the really cheesy "water wall" that literally everybody who walked by had to touch.

The bar was kind of lame. I hate to say it but it was. It wasn't packed at all, there couldn't have been more than 40 or 50 people in there. But it was super smoky. The DJ was really awful. I mean I could have put on a better mix with my iPod than this chick. We had TLC's "No Scrubs" mixed in with Backstreet Boys, Michael Jackson, etc. I get it's a gay bar but shit. I literally felt like I was at a highschool dance from 9th or 10th grade.

Birthday girl and me. I am getting a bit tired at this point, it's almost midnight but I decided I was going to hold out. Plus hi--they were my ride. And even though I don't drink I had a lot of fun hanging out and listening to music. Even crappy music since I have been banned from rocking out at home by Matt who says he's sick of it. Whatevs, fucker.

Probably the funniest thing in the bar was the Michael Jackson picture. I mean really- that picture is the shit nightmares are made from. And I have a thing for bars. I like bars that are pretty. Like DubhLinn's was beautiful. Beautiful glass walls with bottles to the ceiling. I just think it's pretty. One time in Madeline Island, WI we went to a restaurant with a bar that was literally out of the 1940's. But this place?? My friend's basement looked better in high school.

But the highlight was this chick. No, not me. The red beast behind me. This girl has absolutely no fucking business wearing anything topless let alone this piece. (Sales people? When you see a really huge person buying a really too small piece of clothing- please say something. This shit ain't right). Anyhoodle. So this girl is also wearing some form of short leggings with a pair of heeled flip flops with her feet bulging out. And you remember my issues with feet, right? So yeah this girl and her assumed girlfriend (who was more butch than Matt could ever be) were literally grinding on the dancefloor.

Folks- it was traumatizing.

But in this picture she is of course, bitching her girlfriend about looking at someone. Or the water wall. Who knows. But when we left they were making out so I assumed it ended well.

It was a good night overall. I was texting a few people looking for laughs but then everyone ditched me for sleep. You bastards. ;) Just kidding, lambs! But it was fun to get out for a bit. Hopefully I get to do it again soon because I had a good time. Things I learned? My ass is still well liked by barwhores and my new boots got me stares from other jealous bitches. Whether they hurt my feet or not- the stares from jealous bitches makes it easier to ignore the piercing pain in my calves. :)

Friday, February 19, 2010

Anwers Part Two. (aka perverts are supreme)

Wow- who knew by leaving my actual email address in my last post would be the permission for the perverts of the world to come out of the woodwork. Bravo for not being afraid to let your personal freak flag fly. Now I got a few more questions sinve my last post and only one person asked things in my comments. (And I totally know the person listed as "anonymous" and it's a fellow blogger. And I knew about this and I personally challenged this person. I'm game for just about anything, yall).

1. How much do those suckers weigh? Yeah, you know what I mean. Together they are 4.1 pounds. But I had to weigh in an awkward position so I don't know how completely accurate this is. Thank you neighbor for letting me borrow you food scale thingie.

2. I just made a ham sandwich. If I asked you to pee on it, would you? I make pretend that it's a picnic and I'm drinking lemonade! It depends on how badly I have to pee. I actually don't eat ham so it's not like I would feel as if I were offending the ham. Ham offends me. And so do pigs for that matter. So sure- I'd pee on a ham sandwich for you. OR I could just pee in a cup if that saves you the step. I'm good at that.

3. How impressive is your gag reflex? Could it take a Country Farms summer sausage? ACTUALLY, I have a horrible gag reflex. I actually gagged drinking out of a straw once. But in certain situations, I'll deal. But I ain't swallowing. I'm a picky eater so yeah. If you drink, I'll drink. ;) I mean, fair is fair, right??

4. Have you ever put a pair of your underwear on a cactus? Do that and take a picture and staple it to my left foot while I sit on a carrot. I've never seen a real cactus. But I'll tell you what- I'll buy one from the store on payday, put my underwear on it and post a picture. Does that work? Do you have an underwear style preference, because I don't want to let you down. Just lube the carrot first. It helps a bit.

5. If somebody gave you 20 dollars, would you let a midget touch your love button? Is the midget hot? I don't discriminate on height yo, but I do have certain requirements on the level of hot. If the midget resembles Robert Pattinson- he can pretend to do Morse Code for all I care.

6. Tampons or pads? For real? You REALLY want to know this??? Dang. You are fucking disgusting. Whatevs. But I have to go pads which I hate. I?? Have a tippy uterus. I'll deal with the disgustingness of a pad because in my case, a tippy uterus means fun sexy times. FYI.

7. Ice or water? I hate to break this to you, but ice is water. So both, dumbass.

8. Has anyone said you are kind of like a bitch? Um, yeah. Daily. And I happen to like it. At least I'm a fun bitch with friends.

9. Do you shave every day? Shave what, exactly? Legs and armpits? Yes. Down there? No. I'm on a periodic maintenance plan. (Side note- are you the same person who asked about my sleeping arrangments and underwear?)

Ok lamb whores. That is all of the questions I've gotten via comments and/or email. I think what we've leared here is that we have some really fucked up people among us. We've also learned that they have taken a liking to me. I think it is also safe to assume that they may possibly need therapy. A lot of it. More than I can provide. And in conclusion I think you have learned that nothing phases me. You can ask or say anything to/about me and I don't care. I happen to like me because I am fabulous. I also don't get embarrassed easily.

Nice try, though. ;)

Kings of Leon- one word, AMAZING

Hey yall- for those of you living in the dark, (or not on my Facebook) you maybe had no idea what a huge Kings of Leon fan I am. :) And if you aren't- I feel sorry for you. Amazing band, amazing talent, and pure love of music sums up this band.

Me and my friends, all mothers in need of a night away from home, decided we'd do a concert. And because we all work and the concert was almost 3 hours away we had to really make a day/evening/early morning of the next day of it. :) We left Superior aroudn 2:30 and after MANY stops because everyone else has bladders the side of plum we got to Minneapolis around 5:30. We ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe and one word for that= disappointing. Tammy and I ordered this chicken with a spicy version of macaroni & cheese. Mine was shitty as hell, too spicy, and even though my chicken tasted terrific, about an hour into the concert I knew something wasn't quite right. And by this I mean I started feeling dizzy, weak, having cold sweats and the urge to vomit was pretty bad. Thankfully, everyone in the row below us was drunk so had I puked, I doubt they would have known. :)

The opening band was White Lies, who hailing from London, England must be new. That, or I don't get out much which let's be honest- could be a toss up. They were OK. Not great, not bad. I think they are new to the American music scene which I think is intimidating for any new band. They didn't connect with the crowd and I'm sure it's because hardly anyone was in there. But I would definitely check out their record because what I did hear was pretty good.

Kings of Leon. *Swoon*. OK, so these guys aren't what you'd call the pretty boy group. They are not super hot, but they are like the attainable boy next door working a shitty job hot. I dig that. But it must be said that they put on a GREAT show and I would no doubt see them anytime I can. They rocked out with their cocks out, despite being sick (Caleb told the audience they’ve all got a touch of something and you could hear him sniffle between songs), and you could tell that they not only love playing love, but they love their music and the fans who so appreciate it.

They rocked one song after the other, transitions were great, good crowd interaction, and they did one encore with 4 songs. The other amazing thing that I absolutely love is when you go to a concert and everyone, especially those around you, know every word to every song. Those are true fans and should be the only ones allowed in a concert. :) And let me tell you- when "Sex On Fire" and "Use Somebody" came on- every person in the Target Center sang along, danced and genuinely was relishing in the moment. Amazing concert, amazing band.

I totally loved the blue. I am 99% sure this was during "OnCall"

I totally thought the black/white images of them playing was a cool contrast.

You can't see the stage good here, but they had these horizontal screens with images throughout the show. Very cool.

Caleb. :)

We had GREAT seats...AND I got to watch drunk chicks get hauled off. :)

The opening band, White Lies.

Who are those hot chicks? It's Tammy and Sara! We had a drunk guy (??) below us who thought we were the "hottest bitches here" and thank you- person we aren't sure if you are a guy or chick. The boobs threw us off.

My beloved VANS. Best concert shoes ever. Slip resistant to beer, good bottoms to ensure you won't fall when climbing over chairs...makes me yearn for my blue/black VANS from my outdoor festival days..

So we left the Target Center a little after midnight. Things I learned on the drive home:
1. I'm not a rock star anymore. Driving home at night is HARD.
2. If I didn't have my best girls with me, I would have been bored as hell.
3. Tobies in Hinckley still has awesome fucking baked goods.
4. I have the best friends ever.
I really think we need to plan another concert extravaganza. We could be the concert club. :) It was a great night out, and despite getting home at 2:30 a.m. (seriously girls...we are a bit old for this, eh??) it was so fun. Would do it again in a heartbeat. If KOL comes anywhere near here again...I am so there. :)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Answers to Your Questions. You Dirty Perverts.

Disclaimer: Do NOT keep reading this if you think you might be offended and/or grossed out. I got some REALLY strange questions so if you think you might not want to know the answer then do not continue to read this. Because you'll likely get upset and I don't want to hear about it if you were already warned. :)

Well way back when, and to be honest I can't remember exactly when this was, I asked you lovely lambwhore readers to ask me some questions and I'd answer them as honestly as I could. As long as my answers don't make me eligible for a free stay at the county jail. All but one of you chose to email me which to be honest is a bit weird. And because some of your questions are er...bizarre...I'm not posting your names. Because I do have a moral compass and um..yeah.

So without further ado:

1. Chocolate or vanilla? Are you serious? I can't pick just one. But a trick I learned during my days at Culvers is that you put the chocolate on the bottom, vanilla on the top. That way when it melts it doesn't ruin the vanilla. But ideally- I like twist cones from McDonald's. And I think it's bullshit that people are doing away with twist, and that DQ is ditching chocolate. Bastards.

2. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? If he looks anything like Robert Pattinson, yes. And then I'd want to hear Heart's "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" because really? It wouldn't be complete without it. Be real here.

3. Do you swear a lot in real life? And what do you say when people criticize that? Um, you bet your fucking ass I do. And if people have a problem with it- well just fuck them fucking bitches. Ho.

4. Where is the weirdest place you've had sex? Jesus- just jump right in with the freak questions you pervert. Well I have had sex in a lot of weird places. One was on top of a car which was really uncomfortable and not something I'd recommend. Another was in a park (at night) where there is now a skate park.

5. Have you ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on? I have been cheated on, twice. I haven't ever cheated on anyone but I would by lying if I said I didn't think about it.

6. You don't mention your husband much. What's up with that? Good question. Um, well I should put in here he is still alive despite the fact he snores so loud you can hear it outside sometimes (and I'm not exaggerating that) and it keeps me awake for many nights. This week for example. But it's not an ideal situation right now and I'm trying to make the best out of a not so great thing. It's a struggle but you know- I'm hanging in there.

7. What is the craziest thing you have done with friends? Oh jesus. I will not name names here because I'm a stand up chick like that. But this one a party.. (I had to start like that- I just had to). Anyways. I was at a party with two of my girlfriends, I was 19 or so. They met these two guys that I thought we sketchy who kept saying they needed a ride over to Duluth, which is just over the bridge. Friend #1 offered to drive them because she thought they were hot and because I didn't want her to be alone with two freaks I grabbed another friend of ours to come with us. (So 5 people in a small Toyota Corolla. Crammed) Well my friend drives terribly so she gets pulled over just over the bridge for speeding. But I'm laughing hysterically (as I do in stressful situations- trust me you don't want to be with me if you are seriously hurt or something. I will be of no use because I will be practically pissing my pants) and these guys are like trying to cover their faces. I'm thinking, WTF? So the cop sees this, asks us all to get out. Super. He's running our licenses, etc. Turns out the guys? Warrants on them for felonies. Fan-fucking-tastic. So this cop is being asshole to the extreme telling us girls that we could be parties to evasion or something but more importantly- transporting felons over a state line. Uh-oh. So we got to sit in a squad car for 30 minutes. All the while I am PISSED at my friend who just was thinking about her vagina and not her brain. Thankfully- we got to go. The guys got to get a tour of the St. Louis County jail. Which I'm sure was lovely.

8. Do you sleep with underwear on? Are you the guy who asked me where I sleep? You are really into this, aren't you? Well you get on with yourself. Um, no. Most of the time no. I have jammies which usually consist of pants and t-shirt. Or a tank top if it's summer. No socks, no undies. It's just kind of annoying to wake up with a wedgie. I actually would, back in the day, wear a pair of Matt's boxers to bed with his shirt. But he's super skinny and I'm not and so it doesn't work out.

9. Thong or bikini? Wow. Alrighty. Depends on what I'm wearing. If it's a dress, obviously a thong. Anything else it's a bikini. Oh- but I like boy shorts too. Sometimes.

10. Favorite sexual position: Jesus- you are nasty. Well I guess I don't really have a favorite. I mean I like to experiment and don't like doing the same thing every single time. BORING. So it changes on my mood I suppose.

11. Are you like this in real life? Like really random and seem like a fast talker? Yes, I am a fast talker. I am organized but scattered. What you see/read on my blog is how I really am in my real life. I don't feel the need to come up with an online persona because that sucks. I feel like I'd let people down if they met me in real life. But a lot of weird, random things pop into my head. I will often change subjects, dwell on dumb things, but I like to think I'm fun.

12. Do you think letting your kids listen to rap is ok? Well it helps with their rhyming. My kids will be taking names in kindergarten. Plus it's kind of fun to hear a 4 year old say "I pop a cap, mom". Realistically? I don't think it's harmful. I teach my kids to be good people, use manners, all of that. I'm not going to be the uptight mama. I'll be the cool and young mom. The mom hauling everyone to the Tool concert because I want to go too.

13. Do you have any fetishes? If I do, I guess I don't know. But I do have a thing about a guy's arms. They don't even need to be muscled up or anything. (In fact too muscled up grosses me out a bit). But I like to hold a guy's arm rather than hand. It's just a nice handle. To be used in a variety of situations. ;)

14. If you could have a one night stand who would it be with? Wow--that's easy. If I didn't have to worry about the possibility of it really happening- Robert Pattinson. I have loved him since before Twilight, but Twilight kicked my girly bits into overdrive. Have you seen How To Be? *swoon*. Trailer for Remember Me--specifically the shower scene?? *swoon* Um yeah. But if I had to pick someone in real life? Nice try- but I'm so not naming names. But I bet Chicken would know. :) (And don't you post any comment giving clues, chicky!!)

15. Most romantic thing ever done for you--since you hate Valentines? To be honest- I haven't had a lot of romantic things happen. I mean I think Matt thinks he's done some but they just weren't for me. I say I hate surprises, but if a guy was doing something awesome as a surprise for me, I would love it. I like random, quick, unexpected notes to know I was thought about during the day. But I always thought it'd be fun to meet a person at a music store. I think I had this convo with Mr. O before with a previous post of his. But I can honestly say that I'm a girly girl so any guy who's willing to say or do something nice for me because it reminded them of me---swoon worthy. ;)

16. Are you a drinker? Smoker? On drugs? Nope- I'm like permanent DD for friends. I don't drink but it doesn't mean I never have. I had my fun, didn't like it, don't wish to repeat it. No, I don't smoke and I really dislike it when others are smoking. I have puny lungs or something. Matt smokes and it is like the most disgusting thing. Drugs? No, I haven't ever done drugs but I did get what I believe to be a contact high at a Tool concert. Which fucked me up for the second half of the concert. In a good way. :) But nope- I'm clean as a whistle. Toot toot.

17. Do you really want to write a book, and are you going to do it? Yes, I want to write a book. And yes I will do it. I've already started it. Think a cross between Jen Lancaster and David Sedaris. ;) And I hope to go on a book tour to let my lamb whore colony grow.

18. Would you let someone pee on you? Is this a joke? Because at first I'm thinking this is about some weird sexual fetish that people are into but then I'm thinking wait---do YOU want to pee on me? Because I would not be ok with that. You fucking freak.

19. Have you been approached by weird guys asking weird things for real? Sadly, yes. I mean it's almost become comical because I can always be counted on to have the bizarre guy hit on me. Which I suppose is flattering to get any guy to hit on you if you've hit a not so cute patch. But yes, I've been offered stripper jobs, a role in a home made porn movie, I've been asked if a guy could just touch my boob, I've had someone ask if they could rub my ass, etc.

20. Worst pickup line you've gotten. Since it's been a long time since I've had a pick up line tried on me, the only memorable one was when I was 20 and at a party for my friend all getting married. To set it up we were all wearing the appropriate penis jewelry, the shirts saying "we're ready to fuck because the bride can't" and whatnot. But a guy came up to me and was like, "You look like your holes are too tight. Mind if I loosen them?" Really? Has that ever worked?? No, spank you.

Alright so that was the top 20. There were others that were kind of similar so I just combined some. Is there something you want to know that isn't answered here? Let me know. You can leave a comment or email me at: I won't post your name unless you are brave enough to let me. ;)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Boots Are In. Hotness Undetermined.

The boots I've been waiting for came today. In a box large enough to accomodate two kids and two cats. Really, Zappos? Thanks for going green.

Anyways. I don't know what to think of them. First off, they have more of a pointy toe than I like. I prefer shoes with a rounded toe because I'm a bit OCD when it comes to that and it's a big deal. It's like a pointy toe gets me distracted and my chances of falling are exponentially greater. It's just a proven fact. Anyways- I was super worried because I tried putting them on with my work pants which hi--no zippy uppy. So I took my pants off and put the boots on. In wearing only my shirt, bra, and underwear, they fit fine. I've also determined that I have a defect in the boots or one of my legs is slightly larger. They look ridiculous if I wear pants over them. So it's dresses/skirts or what I call "slut pants".
Slut pants are what I call the skinny jean with the taper leg. Because I've never seen them being worn on a girl with say, some class. And a clean bill of health from her OB. But in my weak moment at home staring at myself in my underwear and boots I realized that I will have to give in and purchase slut pants. Which I knew would be like taking on Goliath himself because I think we've establised that I'm not skinny. I also rival Kim Kardashian in the curves department. Skinny jeans vs. Sara. At the mall. Alone.
Lamb whores, I will tell you that I have a victorious moment in the dressing room of Maurices when I realized that the only pair of size 14 jeans in the fat girl section were... wait for it...
TOO BIG. By a lot! I was having a happy moment until I realized that the next step down is a 12. But they don't have 12. Oh no. They have things like 31x30. Um... Yeah. I don't know my numbers. Should I know my numbers? So I bolted out of there. It's not like I'm going to get publicly measured in front of a group of 19 year old girls all wearing the slut pants. Bitch, please. I haven't lost my entire mind.
So I go over to JCPenney who has once again lured me in with their big red and yellow sale signs. I also bought the only pair of pants not on sale. But to make up for it, I did only pay .97 for the shirt that is *maybe* a Muse concert outfit contender.
But this is where you come in. I need opinions. Please ignore the fact my hair is looking shittastic and I look tired. Matt once again snored the entire night so I'm running on exactly 5 hours of sleep over the last two days. If he snores tonight I'm bunking with Olivia. Who snores and rolls everywhere. Things aren't looking good.
SO. Are we liking the boots? I will say they hurt my feet like a son of a bitch. Um, I was pretty sure Naturalizers were supposed to be comfortable? Well these aren't. The heel is like walking on a square rock so I'll have to get inserts or something. I've also discovered my foot and ankle are not meant for fat girl boots. Those are anorexic girl boot worthy. SO..they feel weird. And no, the buckle doesn't do anything. Pure decoration.

So here is my not quite a dollar shirt. It's black (obviously) has a weird sequiny shoulder, a weird tie thing in the back on my neck and the sleeves are all cut up. So the bonus is that I have to do no work on tearing it up. That makes the sleeves all flowy. Are we liking this? Or should I keep shopping? (Let's be real- I probably will keep shopping but I still need an opinion on this. Keep or not?)So here are my pants. My only big mirror is in Olivia's room so pardon the mess. (And look!!! I can wear my RockBand shirt again!)

It's really hard to take a picture of your ass. FYI. But here is the back. Now I have HUGE issues with pants because I, unlike most of America apparently, have an ass. I actually like my ass. It's still cute & perky but it makes it a nightmare when purchasing pants. I try to not have a lot going on as far as pockets (do not take this to mean I wear pants with no pockets because that is for old ladies only. I'm talking about pockets with flaps. Those are bad) (because What Not To Wear tells me so). BUT..these pants have a little sparkle. Is sparkle on my ass bad? I mean, they look super good, right? Like my ass doesn't look ginormous, right??
Let me know what you think. If you find fabulous tops on the interwebs and think, "Sara with her 36D boobs can rock this out" let me know. You have until the end of this month.
On a more fun note- I made friends with a guy working at Hot Topic. And I always shudder because I walk in with my work clothes usually and I'm sure they roll their eyes and are all like, "Jesus christ- another wannabe". But I'll have you know I have to be for work, hello. In my other life I'm rocking with the band shirts. Shirts with inappropriate sayings. I was a punky chick in the day. Just because I'm older and a mommy doesn't make me less cool. RIGHT??? But when I told him what concert I was seeing and we talked about different bands he as all thinking I was cool. The most important thing of this little diatribe is that I got the employee discount on the Anberlin Blueprints for City Friendships anthology I have coveted. So instead of paying $16.99 I walked out of there with this baby for a mere $7.99.
Now would an appropriate time to bow down. It's ok- I'll wait.
So I *finally* have all of the songs of Anberlin's cd's I love. I only have bits and pieces of these three discs so I feel I have conquered stuff today.
And I'm wearing slut pants with fat girl boots.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Natural Floridian + Pisces + Grown Up =

Simple math lamb whores, what does this all add up to? It adds up to outrageous utility bills. Let me tell you that when I opened my bill for December I felt like I was being raped by Superior Water, Light & Power.
Folks, my bill for the month of December for all of my utilities was:

Electric: 119.27
Gas: 203.21
Sewage: 31.76
Water: 46.00
TOTAL: 400.24

This is huge because the previous bill was only $266.63. You might be thinking, "Holy Shit, Sara---at least your warm in your house primarily heated by gas." Well, you'd think that, logically. But no. I'm fucking freezing. It is freezing up in this bitch. My heat in the house is never above 70. And that's when we crank it to 70 after we've been hovering at 60. Once you can't stay warm by multiple layers and shoes and are contemplating wear a jacket in the house, we get crazy and crank it. But not past 70.

Now, I know you're probably thinking, "Well jeez, Sara- you must have a problem." Yes, we do. It's called not big enough furnace for square footage. You have all probably realized that I am right 99% of the time. I will admit when I am wrong because if we're being frank, and I feel we are, I'm not wrong often. So it's easy.

In 2007 Matt and I decided to put an addition on the house. It would give us a third bedroom which is our master now, and a dining room. Which we needed because the kitchen was too small to eat in. So we spent thousands of dollars putting this fabulous addition on. It took six months, my yard looked like a demolition site and this addition that doubled our square footage was up. It looks great. It is really nice to have the extra room. I also got a scrap closet out of it so that was a bonus.
During the construction I asked Matt if we needed a bigger furnace to heat the new rooms. I mean, I've watch enough HGTV and DIY to know that the furnace size has something to do with the square feet. He tells me no, we'll be fine. Um...ok. But I'm pretty sure you are wrong. Fast forward to the winter. Our house only has a crawlspace underneath, no basement. And guess what happened?? We froze our asses off. I have to have an electric space heater to heat up our room and dining room before we plan to use either.

We have heat vents. You can kind of hear the air blowing, somewhere, but nothing comes out. Because lamb whores....the furnace isn't large enough to blow enough air.

Please pause for a "Sara Was Right Moment Of Silence".

Ok. you should also know that the upstairs bedrooms (Olivia and Jackson's rooms) are not heated. They have little space heaters to heat up their room that I turn off at night when they sleep. My front and back porches are not only unheated, they are uninsulated. The insulation in the crawlspace? Needs to be replaced since it not only got wet at some point but has fallen down. Matt tells me he knew this in the summer. Just never got around to it. YAY.

The other piece that blows me away is that now?? He says we need to insulate or whatever the base of the house. By digging massive holes around the foundation. Ok wait. HOLD UP asshole. You mean to tell me that I paid $700 for someone to bring me dirt and fill in the yard that was already dug up, and then paid for seed and sod and now you want to RE-DIG IT UP? Oh the hell to the fuck no. No. You cannot do this kind of shit. You need to be organized. How hard is it to put things together in logical steps??

So because I'm a natural born Floridian and like heat I'm practically dying slowly of hypothermia. This morning when I got out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom I could see my breath. The temperature outside at 6 am was around 21 degrees. It was 49 in my house. Balmy.

And because I am a Pisces, I like water. I would live in a pool if I could. I have an actual need to live by a natural body of water. Unfortunately, Lake Superior is too damn cold. I know people swim in it and those of you who do are crazy. You need help. So because I enjoy water I take showers. At least one long one every day (after my workout).

Now that I'm a grown up, I have to pay the bills for this. And it really sucks. Now I know why my mom always complained about the water bill. Sorry, mom. So in the month of January we've turned the heat as low as we can and still be a step above living outside, no extra showers and I've reduced my laundry. The result? January's bill is.... $327.20. FUCK. So we froze and I'm going through shower withdrawls and we see barely a dent?? Not good.

This is me on my home from work today. Just a random pic to add to the post. Nevermind almost all of my makeup has worn off. Except the eyeliner on my top lid. And my lip gloss. Oh and my hair is still cute.

If you don't ever hear from me again, assume I am frozen. Mostly likely in my bed surrounded by my two cats who will be just fine with their fur as I'm huddled until 3 down comforters. It's times like this that make me wish I had footie pajamas.

(And in case you are worried- Matt and the kids are fine. They apprently thrive in cold weather. Both kids were running around in short sleeves and no socks like it's nobody's business as I'm in slippers, a robe, and thermal socks. Shivering. Clearly I'm odd man out)

Monday, February 15, 2010

Week One Weigh In/Progress Report AND...The Boots and The Dress

Lamb whores! Yay! So if you weren't paying attention earlier and are a member of 20somethingbloggers you need to vote for me. Because I'm cute, funny, and your lamb whore leader. Right?? Yes, of course.

But onto this evening's post. You'll recall that I have started a love-hate relationship with my fuckmill. Yes, of course you remember. And you'll remember from this post what my weight was not too far before that. So now you are caught up. But before I give you the number of my this week let's recap what activity I've had, shall we?

In 30 minutes a night I've gone (as far as distance)

Saturday 2/6: 1.5 miles
Sunday 2/7: 1.5 miles
Monday 2/8: 1.5 miles (even though my face felt like it was going to fall off from earlier dentist visit)
Tuesday: 1.576 miles
Wednesday: 0. I was a fat ass that day
Thursday: 1.567 miles (even though I went to the hospital to visit my friend and her new baby. Whom I've thought about stealing. He's THAT cute.)
Friday: 0. Again, I was a fat ass but I was on a date and didn't eat much all day. That counts.
Saturday: 1.753 (thought I was going to die walking at a 3.4 mph pace)
Sunday: 1.779 (thought I was having a heart attack because like an idiot I tried 3.8. Not good)

We also need to take into account my food this week. I ate like shit for lunch. As usual. But I also eat little the rest of the day. So today for instance. I had exactly 2 almonds for breakfast, water, 12 ounces of Pepsi, two slices of pizza, and more water. I'm starving. But I also realize I'm probably at a million calories because of my pizza. So I'm really hungry. I've been hungry all week.

So without further ado.. the number this week is: 174. What does this mean, lamb whores? It means since my last post about weight (January 23) have lost 5.2 pounds. And from where I started my first half ass attempt at doing anything I've lost 9.6 pounds. Um yay. I'm almost to my first goal of 15 pounds. Totally do-able.

I also notice I am STARVING after I exercise. Like I am dying for a mother fucking taco and some god damn potato oles but it just isn't happening. BECAUSE....

I BOUGHT MY FAT GIRL BOOTS! And a dress to match. You'll recall on my date I was on the quest for some hot boots but discovered I'm not skinny and my calves are apparently not skinny and then I almost had a breakdown in the shoe store?? Well I didn't mention that part. But it's true. I was sad for me and my apparent fat legs.

Well bow down bitches to my new boots!

You're jealous aren't you? You should be. I am going to be the mother effing hotness in these. AND I found a dress!

You may not realize this about me but I *adore* wearing skirts and dresses. I have a hard time finding ones that look cute because I'm short (I'm only 5'3 yall....and no--don't check my BMI. I already know. Thanks.) But this one I tried on and it's fabulous. Jennie tells me that this is supposed to be worn with leggins (which are awful, hideous and NOBODY should wear them. I don't care how skinny you are. You look like a Walmart Princess. I don't care how much you spent on them). But since I'm short it comes to just below my knees. It's cute. And my boobs look fabulous. I don't think we'll have any accidental pop-outs. Which is a bonus. AND I look like a skinny mini. To me at least. But I like it, and I look great.

But I can wear my new boots (Zappos assures me they are on their way..) or some heels. Versatile. Loves it.

So now that I have my boots I need a hot pair of jeans and a shirt I can rip up. Yes, I buy clothes at full price to often mutilate them. I am going to be the hottest chick in the balcony above the balcony behind the stage at the MUSE concert in Chicago. It'll make up for our shit-tastic tickets. Yay.

By far the hardest part of the weight loss is staying on the fuckmill the entire time, trying to go further and faster, and not eating a ton of pasta. Pasta is my weakness. (And let's be real- the crispy chicken sandwich with no mayo, large fry and coke from Wendy's is too.) Tomorrow we're having spaghetti (which I make killer spaghetti...) and so I have to limit myself to a small portion. (insert sad face here)

The other hard part is really no encouragement from the hubs. He really could care less. Except the fuckmill is loud (not my fault) and it interferes with his stupid john deere computer game.

I should say here that I am seeing progress. Some pants are already looser, some shirts are looser, I'm for sure a 36D bra (went down from sometimes a 38D depending on bra), and my thighs are firmer. So it my ass. My calves are the hotness. Progress is good. Even if I do feel like I'm going to puke all over my bed when I'm done.

Because I'm Awesome and You LOVE Me. Right??

So Lauren from Egosyntonicity gets a million brownie suck up points for nominating me for March's 20something blogger's monthly whore. I do hope you'll go vote for me. My chances of actually winning are zilch because I'm up against some may-jah bloggers. But I am fabulous, even though I am the proud owner of a stoner poncho.

Don't judge me- it can happen to the best of us in a I'm-really-angry-shopping-rage.


But vote for me because then you can all be my little lamb whores. You can't be regular whores because Finny already has them to which I've declared myself her #1 blog whore. So you can be lamb whores. Which is just as good- don't worry.

Then when I get all famous and on book tours, I'll insist on a RV instead of a regular ol' bus and we can all be road trip buddies! And to go with my stoner poncho, we'll wear sombrero's with the dangly balls. (And wow- that sounds dirty..) and then we'll sing songs! Oh this will be fun.

But first you have to vote over at Unfortunately I can't vote for myself otherwise I'd be all over that shit. But really this is the first step in my world domination. And making you official lamb whores.

(don't worry, a for real, possibly funny post will come later this evening as usual)

(and I just realized my tags for this make a sentence! "Sara awards 20sb whores". Interesting)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Book Review: VOX by Nicholson Baker

Before I even start this review I am putting up a disclaimer. If you are a virgin, please don't read this. If you are offended by profane language- do not read this. If dirty, filthy, sexually explicit language is offensive to you, do not read this.

If you continue to read this and STILL are so offended that you feel the need to email me a complaint- please expect a nasty answer back. You cannot say I didn't warn you. ;)

So I should start this review by telling you I read this book for the first time when I was 16. And let me tell you something- I was a virgin, I didn't even have my first (real) boyfriend then and it scared the shit out of me. Eleven years later it's amazing. It's not scary, it's actually a really fun read.

Basically it's a single conversation between two complete strangers. Both strangers call the 1-900 number you see in the back of dirty magazines. (One called it from the back of a Juggs magazine, the other one Forum) And it's really interesting because they hook up and talk about a lot of random things. Sexual fantasies, things that are turn on/off's all the while they are some times masturbating. I mean, I don't think I can fully review this book to give it the justice. Instead, I'm going to type you a passage. To set it up, Abby talks of a dream/series of images she had about painting the hallway of her apartment at color called paper lantern. This is only an excerpt but to leave you on a pleasant note....

"And so three painters materialized, and then suddenly there was a large hole in teh wall, about three feet off the floor, big enough so that I could fit through so that my legs were standing in the front hall and yet my head and upper body were in the living room. The hole was finished off and lined with sheepskin. I had nothing on. My hands were resting on two full paint cans. But the strange thing was the cans of paint were warm. There was one painter doing the living room, and the other two doing the hall, where my lower body was. The painter I could see didn't seem to notice me..." and it continues for a while until...

"And then I heard him put down the roller and he planted his hands high on my ass, holding my hips, and then he did an amazing thing. I felt his whole weight go on his hands, and on my back too, and he was apparently supporting himself like a gymnast, entirely on his hands, with his knees bent and his legs apart, and then a secon dlater I felt this burning blunt nub press against my Opulent Opal tockhole, and then kind of urge itself a little ways in."

Um, yeah. There's more. Like two more pages of just THAT little scene which involves something (there were three painters) in each of her um..holes. Three painters, 3 holes. Use your imagination.

SO..if you like a good dirty read- this is for you. If you aren't seeing any action in your bedroom, this is a good read. If you get grossed out and think you are corrupting yourself if you feel a little tingle down below this book is definitely not for you. ;)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Spaghetti, Stoner Hoodies and Fucking Downey

You'll be happy to know that I went on a date last night. With my friend Jennie. She's a hot date. ;) Plus she's fun, she's one of my best friends and my husband and her forever boyfriend were manwhores before us. AND they were roomies. So we have a lot to talk about. But we no longer do bonfires with the boys drinking. You can imagine what we heard.


So a really dear friend of mine from way back in my elementary and middle school days was having a benefit dinner last night, so I had to make an appearance. Number one, it's obviously a good cause. And I liek to give to good causes. And number two, Jessica was one my first real friend. I learned a lot about friendship with her and she is fabulous. I missed her for years and I'm really glad we've reconnected over FaceBook and after her surgery I hope we get to hang out more. Because we?? Are fucking awesome. We were the dynamic-baton-twirling-duo-in-her-driveway-in-front-of-Steve-Abrahamson's-grandparents'-house-so-he-can-be-dazzled-by-our-mad-skillz-twirling-to-Whitesnake's-Here-We-Go-Again. Yeah- we were badass. We also used to visit my mom at the gas station when she worked and buy (every day) a 1liter of pop (one for each), a 99 cent bag of Doritos Cool Ranch. But most importantly- we'd buy the make it yourself ice cream flurry things. Yeah- we'd throw every candy in it and by the time we got to the bottom of the ice cream where it's just a sludge of candy, sprinkles, caramel, and chocolate we'd call it the "grand finale". Jesus. It has obviously caught up with me.

Anyways. We got to Cloquet early and I really hate being the first person anywhere. I feel like such an eager beaver loser. I don't roll that way. So we went to Maurices because I was angry at Matt and decided the best way to deal with that was impulse shopping. I bought two super cute cami's I'll only wear underneath a shirt so they could in theory, look like shit because nobody will ever know. Then I searched the entire store for something in XL. Seriously, anything. There was one option. I hesitated and asked Jennie several times if this looked like a stoner's poncho. You know what I'm talking about. Everyone had the stoners in high school who couldn't be bothered with having their mom wash their clothes so they'd wear the poncho that smelled like their car or stale weed and then think they are the complete shit. (And no- you weren't if you were one of them. Ew.) She says no. I'm not sure. I took the tags off so it's not like I can do anything now. But is this stoner poncho??

My other complaint?? Kind of cleavage-y. Too much? (And nevermind my hair and lack of makeup. This is 5:14 a.m. I went to bed at almost 2 a.m.)The benefit was great. Jessica looked great, looked the same. I got to see her sister. Which was kind of funny because I remember Jess and I digging through her stuff in her mom's basement once. We were afraid at why someone would have strawberry lickable paint for. I don't know about her but strawberry is one of the preferred flavors I've discovered. Grape? Cherry? VOMIT.

So after the benefit we decided we didn't want to be losers and go home. So we wanted to see a movie. BUT...nothing good was on until 9:30. We had almost 2 hours to kill. So we did the next logical thing- the mall!

I ended up buying 3 books and a box of flair! (If you don't know what flair is you need to rent Office Space and educate your sorry ass. Sorry, Mr. O. You need to educate yourself! And I say this with love) I also am in desperate need for some kick ass boots. I want boots that will look hot with a skirt or I can rock them with jeans. Over my jeans, preferrably. I need them for the Muse concert. Because I have a feeling that heels on the Chicago transit system isn't a good idea. I need some ass kicking boots. Which my first inclination are Doc Martens and even though I love them so....I don't know if doc's on your feet still equals cred in the street. (Did you know that was the catch phrase for those?? NO?? Well shit. You need more help than I can provide)

So we went to a couple of shoe stores. I learned two things in particular. Heels with pointy toes?Hurt. They hurt a lot. And they make your feet look Paris Hilton huge. I almost fell on my ass trying to turn around in them. I also learned I have fat calves. Apparently. I tried on, as Jennie is my witness, at least 5 pairs of boots. It was funny but seriously, folks. I couldn't get the zipper zipped. Who's fucking calves are that small?? I got one pair to zip but once I stood up my thigh was tingly. PROBABLY not going to work. So now I have to find wide calf boots online, in a size 8, black, no more than an inch and 3/4 stacked heel (not spiky, I want like a chunky heel if I must) because I have to walk. I can't walk long distances in heels without pissing everyone off with my complaining. We also discovered that Jennie can't wear 4 inch stipper stilettos. Which changes the plan for our next date. ;)

So we left the shoe place and tried to get Jennie a new phone. Since she dropped hers, again, and now the screen won't turn on. The guy was super cute. Not skinny, not fat, nice in the middle weight. Goofy smile, cute hair, friendly. He also tried to rip her the fuck off once we got to Best Buy and realized he was douche-city with his fast talk, smiling and glances at our boobs. The guy in Barnes and Noble who was creepy wouldn't leave me alone. Again, it's nice to see my record of attracting crazies is intact. At least I'm consistent.

After the mall we went to the theatre to see Sherlock Holmes. I have to say, I really, truly, LOVED IT. Which isn't what I would normally watch. I'm a sucker for comedies. I love comedies. Raunchy or not- I love them. I like the chick flicks too (some) but for real. Even though I want to see Dear John that's something I rent at home. Because I'm not about to be ruining my makeup balling like a bitch in a theatre. Anyways. I wanted to see it when I saw the trailer at New Moon and thought- "Wow--Downey is looking hot. Yummy." So the movie was really good and I think Robert Downey Jr. is FANTASTIC. Jude Law played a gay guy really well. I mean, I think we all know they were gay, but Jude Law as a gay Watson was fabulous. ;) And even though there was a lot of fighting which I usually cringe at I totally dug this. And everything was going well until like in the last 10 or 15 minutes some random guy, either drunk or mentally unstable, started clapping. Loudly. So Jennie and I are laughing. I don't know if Jennie caught it but throughout the movie the guy was like, "Fucking Downey". Yah. Fucking Downey is right. Don't ruin my $8.50 asshole. So when it really was the end, he's all like, "That's fucking awesome" and then leaning into people's faces and asking them what they thought. THANKFULLY crazy drunk boy didn't come near us. Probably because I was laughing uncontrollably with my back to him. But on the way out I see the poster for the next movie I'm seeing (well aside from Alice in Wonderland)It's the love of my life, Robert Pattinson, in Remember Me. I already know what happens because I read all of the spoilers during filming but I still want to see it. So I can imagine I'm Emilie de Ravin. (Did you see the shower scene clip??? I really, REALLY want to be Emilie de Ravin at that point. AND he's in Details mag. MUST.GET.THAT)

Isn't that shirt awesome? It's black with black sequins. I love it. I don't get to wear it often. Obviously since my husband never wants to go anywhere. But this is what I'm *hoping* to wear to Muse with hot jeans and my boots. Which I still need to buy. Zappos is really letting me down by being understocked. Bitches.

So after the movie we successfully lost crazy drunk boy. Which is good. We also noticed it was obviously 15-17 year old emo night because we were like the only non-emo's there. Yay. I have to mention guys in skinny jeans?? Is not cute.

When I got home Jennie and I noticed my TV was on but no porch lights. I had called Matt around 8 to tell him what I was doing but he never answered because he's in asshole mode this week. Well one thing you should know is I have a fear of the dark. I'm not terrified to the point where I sleep with a nightlight, but I hate walking around in the dark. Especially outside. I'm better if I'm with someone but still- I try not to do it. I have this fear that I'm going to get snatched and butchered. There's something to be said about being raised in a high crime area as a small child. Some things you don't outgrow.

So I'm fumbling with both locks to my door, in the dark, and when I get in the house..there's Matt. Chillin. Nice. Thanks a lot ass. So before I went to bed I wanted to check my email. I had 47 messages and I'm like dang yo. Most of yall will have to wait. So I emailed Mr. O, Tammy, and answered a few FB messages that were there. Then went to bed around 2 a.m. The first time I've made it awake to bar close in oh.....7 or 8 years. ;) SUCCESS!