Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What "No Fear" Really Means

I have finally done the one thing I have always wanted to do. For YEARS I've watched people skydive over my parent's house and we used to think they had lost their fucking minds. But today? I jumped.

And obviously survived.

My cousin Rhonda and I waiting to suit up.
I'm not going to lie- I was pretty nervous. I've gone para sailing, which is not anywhere close to this, and I don't have a fear of heights. Actually- I don't know what I really fear aside from bugs and animals. And pedophiles. And Ke$ha. And Mormons. And Catholic Priests. But other than that- I'm not really scared of anything.

We had a "lesson" which basically consisted of us laying on our stomachs and pretending. Which, guess what? Is nothing like it is when you're flying through the air. SHOCKER. We watch a video that reinstates all of the paperwork we had to sign basically saying we could get seriously injured and/or killed but hey--- neither we nor our heirs can sue because we know that going in. Yeah- that kind of scares people going in.

We get to watch a group jump before us so that was good. It was good to see how they actually land close up because I've never seen that and I like to know fully what I'm about to do BEFORE I do it. Then we're told that we can't go up in the plane together. We were going to jump tandem with an instructor/professional but there was only one on hand that day, so yeah. I decided that I would go first because I know that if I didn't- there was a good chance I would pussy out. So I was going to go first and Rhonda would watch me not die, and then she would go. So I got all suited up.
And I felt like Amelia Earhart- no joke. I pretty much felt like pissing my pants. Thankfully, I peed and shit before I got there and I had no food all day so I was hoping I was pretty well cleaned out. But then my plan was to wear a pad, just in case, but guess what? I forgot that. Whoopsy.

So we (me and my tandem instructor guy, Dean) get into a very tiny plane with two other jumpers (solo) and the pilot. To say that I was crammed into a very small space is an understatement. I could barely breathe. We had to climb up to 11,500 feet altitude and I wish I could have taken pictures of what the ground looked like. It was absolutely amazing. Everything looks so tiny and insignificant.

And at some point, I got harnessed to Dean and that's when I thought I was going to lose it- but it's not like I had a choice. Like the only way you are going to get to the ground is to jump out of the damn plane. So all of a sudden Dean's saying "waddle waddle" which means he's getting me to the door and I hear him telling me to put my foot on the ledge....which is outside of the plane. I'm freaking out and before I could even protest, dude has thrown me out. Like we do the tumble dive out of the plane and I had to close my eyes. I have no idea what the initial 10 seconds looked like because I thought I was going to puke, my eyes were closed, my face was freezing and I had to struggle to breathe. When I finally did open my eyes it was so fucking awesome to basically feel like you are falling to your death. We did a free fall for about 30-40 seconds at 120 mph before the parachute goes out, and then we float. It is such a peaceful feeling. It looks fast when you are on the ground but it feels like forever. I think in total I was in the sky for about 7 minutes.

So I'm the little white parachute dot in the bottom left of the picture:
And here's me when I'm a little bit closer to the ground.
And the landing was a lot easier than I thought. I had visions that I would just fall on my ass. But I didn't- I landed on my feet and walked it out.
 And here's me when I walked back towards my mom, Matt, my kids, and Rhonda:
Seriously- it's something I never thought I'd have the guts to actually do it. I'm glad I did it, I'm glad I survived it, I'm not happy about my ears still being so plugged that I can't hear anything. It was such an amazing experience- I would recommend anyone to do it. Seriously- it wasn't NEARLY as bad as everyone hyped it to be. The initial 10 seconds are the worst because you feel like you are going to vomit and like you are plunging to your death. But it's weird because as I was in the plane I kept thinking about that. Like, what if I did die? Would I be ok with that? And I think I would be. I would be alright with that. Obviously I would like to do more in my life but if I end up dying doing something I've always wanted to do....then I can't think of a better way to go.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Book Reviews! These are good for singles. Or people who aren't having sex.

Well I had some VERY good reads this week. Seriously- I'm going to start us out with a shitty one, and then end it with a GREAT one. Lambwhore/goatslut honor.

No One Belongs Here More Than You: Stories
I can't lie, I bought this solely because of the title and the cover. OK, and it was on clearance at Barnes & Noble for $5.98. And this was a mistake. I will say that I only made it through the third short story and maybe the book got better- but I just wasn't feeling it. If a book can't grab me right away- then I'm done. And a book that is a collection of short stories better grab me by the first one otherwise anything beyond that is me reading because I have nothing else and desperate measures have begun.

But seriously- one of the stories is (I think) about a guy who apparently is attracted to children, or at least pre-teen girls, but ends up sleeping with a man. I don't know- it was really weird and turned me off.

I pretty much don't recommend it.

Defeat the Darkness (Paladins of Darkness)OK- so this is part of a series and I obviously missed the first few books, but it didn't matter. I'm finding myself more and more into the weird paranormal/sci-fi romance. I don't know- first it was vampires and now we are onto Paladins and shit. I can't explain it and I don't understand it, but if a book makes my girly parts happy- I DON'T CARE WHAT I'M READING. Bottom line.

So our chick is a little tea shop owner who ends up falling, albeit reluctantly, for our hero- a damaged Paladin, which is kind of the equivalent of falling in love with a disabled soldier who's sent home because whoopsy- he got hurt. So yeah. The obviously DRAMA ensues but certainly not before some hot, angry, and confusing sex. Whatever.

But it was a good read, and basically what you expect from a romance novel. Sex, drama, hero. Yay. But the author was good at bringing thing whole thing home AND successfully got me interested in the other parts of the series.

Dangerous Games
Ladies. (And men.) All I can really say without ruining the GREATNESS that is this book is that you absolutely MUST have a towel handy. I am not even kidding you.

This was my first read by Lora Leigh but if her other works are anything like this she has now got herself a new, dedicated reader. I'm going to backstep just a minute before I talk about this book though. I love Linda Howard's romance novels. Even though most of the stories are cheesy and predictable, every once in awhile she NAILS a love scene. NAILS it. Nails it so well that I re-read the pages several times. I have several of her books but my two favorite, go-to Linda Howard books are Cry No More and All The Queen's Men. Both of these books have the ideal man for me- strong, in charge, brooding, violent streak, fabulous in bed, and ultimately- uncontrollably and undeniably in love with the lead chick. ATQM is my ultimate fav because hey- it has a black ops agent named John Medina. Yum. So I apparently like military. Unfortunately, Matt is mostly none of these things (there is one he is take your guess ;) ) so I have to live vicariously through books.

Which brings me back to this one. The lead male? Navy SEAL. Hot. Muscular (even though that's not a huge turn on for me, for reading purposes I'm all about this guy), dominant, sexual, volatile, etc. YUM. This also is part of a series and I have to pick up the first one, but this?? Was fabulous. I can't even tell you how great this book is. The story line was good and the bonus is that I had NO CLUE what was going on. I'm still kind of in the dark because there's another story after this one.

The sex in this book is absolutely incredible. It is described so well that the things you play out in your head are better than any porno could ever be. The characters are all so well developed that you like them, even their faults are appealing. I have never in my life read a romance novel that made me want to jump my husband immediately. Unfortunately, I'm reading while he's sleeping and waking him up makes him crabby. Plus I'm totally mingling with Aunt Flo this week and yeah. It's just not a good plan.

I very highly recommend this book if you like sex, or if you like romance novels. Or if you're currently not having sex and would like to- GREAT starter. I'm just saying.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Just in case I die. (I like to be prepared)

So I'm going skydiving. It's a big fucking deal. For those of you who are new to the scene, illiterate, or fucking stupid, I have a 30/30 list. Skydiving is on it which means I have to do it. I'm scared pretty much shitless but whatever. I'm not scared to jump, I'm more scared of the free fall. I'm jumping tandem with a professional (and let's pray that he's hot because if I'm going to have a guys junk pressed against my ass, let's at least hope it's a cute guy.)because I can't be relied on when there is a high stress situation. I would guarantee you that I would forget what the fuck to do, panic, and then die.

Which might happen anyways.

Which is why I'm posting tonight. While I still have my wits about me and I'm not driving everyone around me NUTS with my incessant freaking out which is likely to happen. So here we go- should I die, I'm passing the following items off to people:

1. My cats, Lenny and Rosie: Amber, you get this. Apparently, you are a glutton for punishment or the sight of cats humping things turns you on. I'm not sure how I feel about this necessarily. I'm going to be honest (and I feel that we are good enough friends so that I can do this)- you watching my cat hump towels and blankets kind of freaks me out. So I really hope I don't catch you doing anything while watching him do this. But as long as you promise to take care of him and not yell at him when he drools on your face when you sleep, he's yours. But since they come as a pair, you'll get Rosie too. She's not fixed yet so that'll be your problem. The howling isn't every night right now so that's a bonus. But she's a freak and hides all the time. You'll hardly know she's there. Unless she's moaning. Then everyone in a two block radius will know where she is.

2. My books: Krysten wants my books, so those are gone. I will warn you right off the bat that my book mix is kind of weird. You'll notice between my love of vampires and funny memoirs, I have a LOT of romance books. And not just regular ones, but ones that have a lot of super kinky sex in them. Trust me, you'll love them.

3. My massive music collection: I feel like the only person I know who would appreciate the psychotic collection that is my music vault would be Mr. O. I will leave money set aside to mail them because hello--he lives in Alabama. It's not like he can just pick it up. But the box will contain almost 3,000 cd's. And my iPod Nano 8GB, which is currently full.

4. My scrapbook & stamp nightmare of a closet: I don't know-- this might have to go to Ann. Because she is a million times better at everything crafty than I ever will be and my supplies should go to a good mommy. That will make them look fabulous and maybe get them featured in a magazine. You always want better for your children and Ann could do that.

These are the four main things I have to give away. I'd give my kids away, but Matt will still be here. But I own a lot of other stuff. Like I have a lot of shoes, all sizes 7 1/2 or 8. I have some I've never even worn, but let's not tell Matt that. I have a lot of vibrators! But I don't know if that's something someone would want. Unless you're some kind of freak, in which case send me your addy and they are yours!

I have an impressive pen collection. Do you want my pens? You can have them. OOh!! I have lots of post it note pads. I can give those away. My "attack secretary" sign is definitely going to Jandy because she's awesome. I'll probably send my red Swingline to her as well just because it goes with the sign.

But if I die, I hope everything doesn't go to hell right away. I don't know why- but I feel like I can't skydive unless I have food ready for Matt and the kids and laundry all done. Is that messed up? It's like one last thing I can do for them- clean underwear. I mean, underwear is very important to me and I enjoy it a lot, so obviously providing clean underwear is something I would provide for them.

So yeah- I'm going skydiving. I'm 99% sure it's going to be on the Fourth of July, and if I survive I will post pictures. I'm hoping. I don't know how that works since I doubt I'll be able to hold my camera, but I'll try. Even if I do die, I'll have Matt post a picture of me splattered all over the trailer court across the street from Walmart- because that's where I would land. Which is only slightly disappointing. I just hope whoever is in their (hopefully) double wide isn't too drunk to call 911 coherently. I would be really disappointed if I landed in the yard of a regular crappy trailer. I'll try to aim for a double wide.

I am also going to try to get video of me BEFORE and AFTER the jump. I have no idea how I'll upload this to here, but I'm going to try. Just for you. But if I die, it obviously won't be much of an after interview. Maybe you can watch them clean me up or something. Oh god, I hope I don't pee. Or shit myself. How embarrassing. I'm pretty sure I might puke, so I won't even hope for that to not happen. But pee or shit is pretty hard to hide. And please god don't let my bodily fluids hit the poor guy strapped to my back. I guess it won't matter if he's hot or not if I puke- no way will he get a hard on then, huh? That might just solve that whole problem right up.

OK- so I will have some book reviews to go up tomorrow, and then Monday I *might* not be posting. I am picking up my cousin from the airport and we might not get back until later since I'll be in Minneapolis. And Tuesday might be an early morning post because I??? Am going to Eclipse. Obviously, I have to support my lover's career. I don't think Robert would like it if I (gasp!) waited until the weekend to see how hard he works. That would be rude.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Domestic Bitch Friday- Cancelled This Week

Yeah- I'm a slacker. I can't be tamed, yall. And it's my prerogative.

I had a really busy day today and although I managed to do stuff, I feel like a bum. I'm also really tired and my ankles are covered in mud and grass clippings. It's really sexy, let me tell you.

And tomorrow I am up super early again for try #2 on the yard sale. Since today was completely rained out. Fucking mother nature. Oh...and I just heard thunder. Fucking whore.

Anyways. I'm going to shower, get stuff ready for tomorrow since not only do I have my yard sale, I have a birthday party and a wedding reception to go to. All before 5pm. Oy.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. But then I realize it's only Thursday.

Seriously yall. My weekend is going to be a nightmare. Why I decide to do everything at once I will never know. I know when I plan things initially I think of all the greatness to get everything done with at once. And that lasts until like...the night before it begins and then I remember I'm a fucking dumbass, yet again, as I'm scrambling to get everything done. Like a fucking maniac.

And Matt avoids me like the plague because he knows he's going to get roped in.

Tomorrow is our annual yard sale which should be fun because HEY!! it's supposed to rain. Which I wouldn't think of anything else because HEY!! it's been borderline fucking monsoon season here this entire summer. We're doing it at my mom's house because she lives on a busier road and last year it went well there and yeah. But we have no shelter so if it rains we're screwed. And my mom and I don't work well together if we're both crabby.

But this year whores? I am wearing sunblock. Because last year?? I fried. I don't think I have EVER been that burned my whole life. My shoulders, back, chest, and arms were like one big blister. I had to sleep sitting up for two weeks. I couldn't shower or put aloe on without feeling like my skin was being ripped off. And?? I still have the tan lines. A year later. And?? My shoulders and back, which have always been freckle city (thanks to mom letting me run topless as a toddler in Florida), look weird. Like the top of my shoulders are speckled anymore- they are brown. It's odd.

Anyways. So I have all of that priced and as we speak, Matt is hauling it all over there. *snicker*

But we went out to eat tonight because HEY! I'm not cooking. While we were eating we had what sounded like a god damn tornado go down the street. I am not even kidding. It was hail, wind, and rain- and it uprooted a tree behind the restaurant. And destroyed a ton of signs. Now, nobody saw a tornado but seriously- it was nuts. And it lasted maybe 10-15 minutes.

So guess who is out putting new sale signs on poles?



So then Saturday, we have a birthday party AND a wedding reception to go to. And getting rid of left over yard sale stuff. Then Sunday I have to clean my house, grocery shop, and prep for my cousin Rhonda to come on Monday.

It's going to be a MASSIVE, AWESOME, FANTASTIC week of posts next week. Why? Because this bitch? Is SKYDIVING. That's right.

Saturday I will be posting my will. Please check back. It's important that I have witnesses and such. If you have a request of any of my personal items, let me know. I'm taking my vibrators with me.

So yeah. I'm going to sign off for the night here- but I need to clean my house like a maniac because HEY! My mother in law will be here tomorrow to watch my kids during yard sale. Which means: clean house thoroughly.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I'm Jamming.

Probably one of the most fun things about being a wanna be famous person-slash-blogger-slash lambwhore leader is that I make friends. And not just regular friends that might loan you a buck or two, but the long lasting friends. Ones that would totally give you her last tampon out of her purse when you need it or tell you when your fake eyelash is falling off.

I mean, that's what friends are for.

But another benefit is getting free stuff from awesome people. I've gotten lots of cool things from lambwhores and goatsluts since starting and while some are thank you's for me being fan-god damn-tastic, some are just because I'm fabulous and they are sucking up. I don't care- just send me stuff.

One of my most favorite lambwhores, Gini, sent me something awesome the other day. And I was kind of scared because I was all like "whoa--- I have a stalker!" and I got kind of excited. But then I saw her name on the box and was even more excited. Confused, but who cares- I love me some mail!

So I open it up and I am loving the surprise so far. Then I got excited because I'm like "bubble wrap!" and felt like I had something productive I could do while watching Dr. Phil and drinking my kool aid. Except it kind of made me worried- did she send me a dead animal? It's kind of shaped like a small bunny.

But NO! It's jam! And you'll recall I'm a super picky eater. And I am a grape only chick. EXCEPT...and this is the only exception.....I will have apricot but ONLY on english muffins. So here I am, making out with my new jam because I??? Just bought four packages of english muffins only to realize I had no jam!
So Gini is actually psychic. Which is only a little scary. But that's ok. Because she awesome and you must, must, must check out her blog. HERE.

And then I got an award. SHOCKER. But this comes from my girlie, Deeps.

3 Famous Names of Mine:

1. Sara
2. Smart Ass
3. Bitch

3 Things That Scare Me:
1. Being kidnapped
2. The dark
3. Kristen Stewart's feet

3 Things That Make Me Smile:
1. Robert Pattinson
2. New underwear
3. Using up all the hot water before Matt gets into the shower

3 Things That I Love:
1. Robert Pattinson
2. My kids when they aren't destroying the house
3. Getting mail.

3 Things That I Hate:
1. Kristen Stewart
2. People breaking plans or not following through
3. Exercise

3 Things I Don't Understand:
1. Math
2. Sports
3. Politics

3 Things I'm Doing Right Now:
1. Blogging
2. Listening to Envy on the Coast
3. Waiting for my laundry to finish

3 Things I Can't Do:
1. Pretty much anything with my left arm/hand-- total decoration. So uncoordinated.  
2. Run
3. Jazzercise

3 Things You Should Listen To:
1. Fiona Apple
2. The Black Keys
3. Me

3 Shows I Watched As A Kid:
1. Smurfs
2. Jem
3. Fraggle Rock (yay for illegal cable!)

3 Things I Want In A Relationship:
1. Love
2. Someone who can kill bugs
3. Someone who will put up with my incessant whining

...and there's more but I'm sleepy now. But thank you Deeps--- you rock chick. And I know I suck at getting to your blog-- I am so behind it's ridiculous. I'm trying though! You're still in my reader!

OK-- so send me stuff homies.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Book Reviews, bitches.

Yay! It's book review time because I have a few books I've finished reading and I'm going to share them now so I don't forget. And we'll see if any of this makes sense because hey- I have a migraine and am currently under the influence of my migraine medication which makes me zonk out. Fun times.

Pretty In Plaid- Jen Lancaster

Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase
I am a huge fan of Jen Lancaster. Huge. I have read (and bought) all of her books and her new one My Fair Lazy is on my shelf waiting to be read. It's in the que, as they'd say.

But this book is essentially the story of Jen growing up and each chapter is labeled with an article of clothing, thus making each chapter a story of those clothes. Now I know I went through my teen years in the 90's, but I do have a fond memory of Jordache jeans. I remember my uncle dating a girl because she had a pair of Jordache jeans. It was a big fucking deal. So even though I couldn't personally relate to the awesomeness of each article of clothing....I loved the stories anyway. It also doubles its fun (Doublemint gum...sorry...I can't help it) because it gives stories of her college years- which were alluded to in earlier books.

What I did relate to is how she started her first big job after graduating college and she could wow the pants off of you, organize a party, write beautifully....but she can't operate a damn fax machine. Which kind of sums up my theory on college. Universities give you a GREAT education and you can write papers that won't matter and you'll study things you'll never need, meanwhile a technical college will train you to do the job. What doesn't make sense is how you need a university degree to get a job that will be done better by a technical college graduate. *sigh*.

So I recommend this book- it's fun and it's a quick read.

Just Like Me, Only Better

OK- so this book is one I picked up from the library simply based on the cover. The cover actually doesn't really matter and I'm indifferent on the book.

Basically it's about a woman, fresh out of a divorce and struggling with co-parenting her son with a clueless ex-husband. She lives paycheck to paycheck but coincidentally- looks eerily similar to Haley Rush, who's a celebrity. Veronica (the mom) is offered a once in a lifetime chance to be Haley's double so to speak, and go run day time errands while Haley spirals into oblivion. It's a money gold mine and she knows this could be the ticket to provide a much better life for her and her son. Unfortunately, it has to be a secret. So while she's doing this, those around her thinks she's losing it and heading into a mid-life crisis and she becomes unreliable and thrown unexpectedly into the world of celebrity unwillingly. Madness ensues.

I knew how most of the story was going to play out. If Britney Spears has taught me anything- if you have a mental deficiency, I don't care how talented you are (or told you are) you should, under no circumstances, be a celebrity. So Haley is a lot like Britney Spears (minus the kids, KFed and head shaving. Or umbrella incident) so you know exactly what's going to happen. You know it blows up in Veronica's face but the end brings it around.

I have to say- I hated the ending. I feel like it just lumped us off- like there could have been more closure. BUT I did finish it super early in the morning so maybe I missed something.

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella (Twilight Saga)
First off, I have to give a big THANK YOU to Danielle, who gave this to me as a thank you for being awesome. Even though I am a fan of the Twilight story, I am not a fan of Stephanie Meyer. Does this make sense? I actually don't believe she's that great of a writer but she can hook you in, that's for sure. Plus I'm a sucker for vampires so there you go. The Twilight Series doesn't come CLOSE to holding a candle to the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris, but they have their own entertainment value.

I will say that the fact that she kind of pushes her Mormon beliefs onto the reader with the chaste kisses and no sex thing...Twilight is a good love story. It's not great, it's just good. Honestly, though? Name five teenagers who are madly in love and are not having sex. I couldn't do that with teenagers I know now let alone teenagers I have ever known. Kids have sex- get over it. (But wrap it up kidlets!)

Anyways. So this actually has nothing to do with the Cullens or the werewolves or annoying Bella. Nope- it's about Bree, a teenage runaway who unwillingly becomes a vampire. She struggles in her new life and doesn't fully understand all that comes with being a vampire. She obviously falls in love with Diego, a fellow vampire who isn't totally newborn like her. If you read the Twilight series you know that Bree dies at the hands of Felix at the end of Eclipse because hey- she's an illegal newborn and breaks rules.

But it's an interesting twist because often times you read a story and wonder more about a character. I didn't actually feel like Bree warranted her own story, even more so after I finished it.

What I am excited about? The release of Midnight Sun. You may recall that part of the rough draft of it was released ages ago, which prompted Stephanie to release it on her own website (which you can view HERE). What makes me excited about Midnight Sun is that it is essentially the Twilight story but through Edward's eyes. I read the partial draft, and I have to say, I liked it 1000% better than Twilight. It's scarier, edgier, more of what you would expect out of a vampire story. It explains how badly Edward wants to essentially drain Bella and what a struggle it really is. What I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE is if all four of the books were re-written but through Edward's eyes. Not only would you have dramatically different point of view but you would also have very different stories. Take New Moon for example- where the hell was Edward? What was he doing? What was it like for him? Stuff like that. It should happen. (Stay employed, Stephanie!)

Also, for the records- vampires that sparkle is the lamest fucking thing I have EVER heard of.

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
OOH..I love me some Chelsea. It is very rare that I get to watch her show and now that I have DVR I just have to learn how to use it and then I will be a complete Chelsea slut. Total. I also need to say I'm sad this is her last book. Super sad.

I identify with Chelsea in lots of ways. Most of which I won't share because hi-- I need to write my own book. But I'm snarky, I play mean tricks and tease mercilessly. Matt, unfortunately for him, takes the brunt of my cruel humor. Thankfully he takes it in stride, but I did take time to read excerpts from this to him so he can understand how much worse I could actually be.

The book is full of essays that highlight the pranks she pulls, how she can convince people who are eternally stupid to believe things that nobody who is on the outside of a mental institution would believe, and how nuts her family is. The emails between her siblings are hilarious and it makes me wish I had more than one sibling.

This book also, again, makes me wish I had gotten completely shitfaced every day of college instead of doing my school work. Even though my loans won't be paid off until 2013 (which would make you think I learned a LOT), I feel like by not letting loose I'm paying my whole life. Honestly? I feel like I could have been doing what Chelsea is doing. The fact she's not in her 20's anymore gives me hope that I still have a chance. I'm not completely against sleeping with someone to get a job, and I think Matt would support that, but I don't know if I could do Ted. I don't know. I just don't feel attracted to him at all and honestly? I am not a good actress.

Highly recommend this book and anything else by Chelsea.

OK- so that's what has been sitting on my bed table the last two weeks. I have a few more books lined up so we'll see what I can get done for next week. But for now bitches, my migraine meds are in full effect. Too-da-loo.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I need some more friends.

It's really funny because I barely have time to do anything with my current friends, but I have decided that I need more friends that are willing to come to me. Or at least answer their phone in the rare instance that I do call.

Because I hate talking on the phone. I loathe it. I make 99% of my plans via email or Facebook message and I just wish more people would do this. Stop calling me. I hate talking on the phone.

I have some pretty high standards for friends and to be honest, I'm not always fab in return. I try though, so I would like to think that's what actually counts. My effort. And oftentimes I make a friend and realize in a short period of time that they really suck. And then you have to go into the super awkward friend breakup and it never goes well.

So in order to eliminate this hassle I have come up with a short list of things that are necessary in order to be my friend. Obviously the list isn't all inclusive but it's a good starting point. If you can't make these minimum yourself the embarrassment. And this is incidentally, kind of, an idea that Aaron gave me. Kind of. And all of these things are basically some things that irritate me about some of the people in my life. I won't name names, but seriously. These drive me nuts.

1. I need a friend who is honest at all times. If my ass looks big in my pants- please fucking tell me. And then offer a suggestion. I hate when people complain about something and have nothing to offer. And in return- I will tell you when you look like shit.

2. Carry your own chapstick. While I say I trust you when you say you don't have herpes, I don't really. Secretly I think everyone has herpes and I avoid other people's germs. So don't ask to borrow my chapstick. Ever.

3. Have something of value to leave me when you die. If you have an RV you will be my automatic friend as long as you prove to me that the RV is mine when you die. Even if your death is "untimely" or "accidental".

4. Don't let your dog jump on me or sniff my crotch. I like small dogs. I think we all remember my incident with a BFD (big fucking dog) and I really don't give a shit if your pet has been through obedience class. My experience is that those classes are a waste of god damn time and money and your dog will still sniff vaginas. And jump. And it's not cute or adorable. It's annoying and gross. I don't get fresh on a first date and I certainly don't like being jumped on date three.

5. Don't get completely shit faced when hanging out with me. Even though I don't drink, I really don't care if others around me drink. But I do care when I am having to cart your farting, drunk ass around from bar to bar while trying to avoid you puking in my vehicle. I also don't like when you get super loud and think you're funny while the rest of the bar laughs at you. Nobody wants to see your thong. Nobody wants to hear you do karaoke. I will make fun of you and shame you in a bar if needed.

6. Do not ever wear Crocs when out with me. Self explanatory.

7. Don't bitch to me that you have no money while we're on a shopping trip. I don't actually want to hear about your money problems because of your bad choices. I don't feel bad for you.

8. Are you a reader? Great. We can borrow books, but you actually have to give mine back. Same with cd's and movies.

9. Don't preach to me about my diet. Or that I need to eat healthier foods. Or that I should try some weird fucking diet or flush out my bowels, etc. I am fully aware that by me not eating fruits and vegetables I'm a slug. I get this and I DON'T CARE. I don't believe in diets and I think people who continually flush out their bowels or whatever in the hopes to losing weight are crazy. Not only is that not normal, but the weight loss is only temporary. Try laying off the chips and dip, fatty.

10. Don't expect me to like your friends. Just because I like you does not mean I'm going to like your friends. Because I probably won't.

11. Don't complain that I never include you in on stuff when every time I do include never want to go. Don't blame me for your psychotic anti-social behavior. I can't help that you have no life- I'm trying to help you.

12. And if you do go out....don't be a stick in the mud. We're out- let's have fun. I don't get to go out much so when I do I want it to be memorable. So if you are just going to sit there and not join in on my stupidity, don't bother coming.

13. Be adventurous. I suck at almost everything. I hate the outdoors and I'm scared of bugs. But even I am willing to try new things.

And I don't want to end this on a Debbie Downer note. I am going to list the things that will make you a FANTASTIC friend.

1. Be honest.
2. Make an effort to hang out with me.
3. Be flexible. Even if you're reluctant to try something- pull the stick out of your vagina.
4. Willing to joke around.
5. Understand what makes me tick. Know when I need you even when I don't ask.
6. Understand why I've made the choices I have. Even if you disagree with me, please just support me.
7. Be willing to pig out with me even if you're on a diet.
8. Understand that if it came down to me and you in a chance to marry Robert Pattinson I automatically win.

So let's open this up- what is a deal breaker or maker for a friend for you?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Toddlers Gone Wild

Undeniably, I have super duper adorable kids. They make me super happy (most of the time) and I don't regret becoming a mommy even though my life has changed ten fold. While there are some days where I'm so happy to be a mom I can barely stand it....
...there are also some days where I think, "What the fuck was I thinking and what have my loins produced?!"

Friday was one of those days. Most days my kids get up at 6:30 in the morning and they seriously operate like clockwork. It's disgusting. They also haven't figured out the joys of sleeping in, but whatever. Usually I can wake up, get them cereal/milk and turn on Jack's Big Music Show and get another hour of sleep on the couch.

On Friday I woke up to Jackson standing next to my bed saying "water". Obviously I'm annoyed he's up this early but I don't understand why he wants water instead of his milk. So he's saying "water" repeatedly and grabbing my hand and saying "come". (Which he does all of the time so this was not unusual.) What WAS unusual was seeing water dripping on the top stair which is carpeted. And the casually noticing that the entire hallway is covered in water, there's a towel on the floor, Olivia is in her room acting like she's clueless about the flood and the bathroom sink is overflowing.

Because SOMEBODY (*cough* Olivia *cough*) put her Smurfette in the sink and SURPRISE! It will cause a sink to overflow. So I asked Olivia why she didn't just turn the water off and I got the response "Because we couldn't get to it." Obviously- because while it wasn't quite ankle deep it did cover my foot and I could easily swish water around. The water got into their rooms and it took me an entire hour to clean it up.

Needless to say, I was pissed. I could have killed. Normally it's no big deal because it's just water, BUT the sink base cabinet? Water leaked into it and the inside bottom? Bubbling up. Nice. Matt was thrilled to see our sink cabinet, only 4 years old or so, is ruined on the inside. *sigh*

Oh-- but that's not all.

Once they realized a flood was happening and they couldn't fix it, they decided to pass their time coloring.

On my mother fucking dining room walls.
I saw this masterpiece at approximately 8 am, only 5 minutes after getting off the phone with Matt who calls us on his break to see how we're doing. He didn't like to hear the water story, but after I got off the phone with him and saw THIS? I texted him with, "Hi. You need to come home at one. I may kill your children otherwise." He then called me on his lunch to ask what was going on and when I told him to get excited to paint?

Matt was not happy.

I can honestly say at the very moment that I was recuperating from the flood and then seeing this I know what causes mothers to kill their kids. The vision went through my head and when Olivia asked, "Mommy? Are you going to cry?" I replied with, "Yes. Yes, Mommy is going to cry and you should be in your room because anything mommy might say while crying will be bad words."

Needless to say, my kids were in their room for the rest of the morning while I tried every method I could find online to clean the wall. No such luck. Nothing worked. We are going to have to paint the walls again. Yes, I said walls. Because when I showed Matt the wall when he came home? I noticed that the red wall has artwork as well. Lovely.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Domestic Bitch Friday: Episode Nine (A.K.A. Kicking a Hot Pocket's ass)

It's that time bitches! I am taking you into my crazy and ho- what a week I've had. Mel started it and I play along because contrary to popular belief, I am capable of playing nicely and not throwing sand.

Stay tuned for tomorrow where we see an episode of Toddlers Gone Wild.

Anyways. So let's get this bitch rolling, shall we?

Camocare Anti Aging Cream: HERE
Aunt Flo samples: HERE
Hugo Element for Men fragrance: HERE
Beech Nut Toddler Kit: HERE
Baby Barn Samples: HERE
Starbucks Via Ready Brew: HERE
Bath & Body Works 2oz Forever Sunshine Sample: HERE
Free appetizer at Outback Steakhouse: HERE

Project/This week's menu:
-Grilled hotdogs and had chili cheese dogs. Yum.
- Chili Macaroni
- Pizza
- Skillet chicken served with wild rice and corn. And cornbread.
- Cheeseburger Calzones*
- Chicken Pot Pie

OK- so some of you wanted to know my Chicken Pot Pie recipe and it is SUPER easy. Basically cube up some chicken, cook it in a skillet, seasoned with salt, pepper, and Mrs. Dash. Once that's done, throw in two cans of chicken gravy (or in my case...three-- I had a LOT of chicken) and a half of bag of frozen mixed veggies. Let that kind of simmer and cook on the stove. Meanwhile- spray a 9x9 or 9x13 baking dish- load up your chicken mixture. Top it with refrigerated biscuits. (Separate them into their circles and then place on top of mixture.) Bake in 375 degree oven until biscuits are browned. DELICIOUS. (Serve with rice if you're like me.)

Anyways. This week's recipe is my cheeseburger calzones from the menu. For the record: I am a Hot Pocket slut. I can't help it. I love me a pepperoni Hot Pocket. Matt likes others but we have an understanding that the pepperoni are mine.

But I found a recipe in a book for a calzone and it looked just like a Hot Pocket.

Basically- brown some hamburger. Mix in some onions and half a jar of spaghetti sauce and a handful of mozzarella cheese. Heat on the stove until warm. Take your refrigerated biscuits and roll each one into a 6 inch circle. Spoon a little mixture into one half, and fold the other over. Use a fork to seal the edges. And then bake at 375 for about 15 minutes. See? YUMMY.
And I will say for the record: they are a THOUSAND times better than a Hot Pocket. During dinner I was thinking of all the variations I could do with this. I am only slightly ashamed that I ate two. Matt was thrilled AND the kids ate it so you know it was good.

So I mentioned last week I might be hosting a giveaway based on Domestic Friday stuff. And I am. I will post all of the details AND the prize next week. on your Domestic Friday skills. (Hint, Hint)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Randomness. Or ADD. You decide.

I have nothing planned out in my adorable brain for tonight's post. This week has been a bit hectic so let's just talk about a bunch of random crap that can all be lumped into one post because none of it really warrants it's own post. OK?

(this is a rhetorical question, just go with it.)

1. Do you remember my back porch? So it had a window that was original to the house that didn't open- it was just one of those single pane of glass pieces of shit. Last week sometime I had Matt go to the hardware store and buy a new window for no reason other than, we had $109 laying around and he told me the day before that he hasn't sided the back porch of the house because hey- we need a new window. Obviously, he is just trying to avoid manual labor on our house. But guess what?? I surprised him with $109 and yay- new window. He installed it yesterday. It went faster than expected because guess what? It was completed rotted through. *shocker* And this weekend? He is borrowing a brake (I think that's what it's called) so he can side the house. Hopefully it doesn't continue to rain otherwise that will suck for him. The kids and I are planning on watching Dad Camp on VH1 while he does this.

2. I'm an adult now! Obviously you would assume that at the age of 28 I would already be, but that's just not the case. Well, it is now. Do you remember how I was all proud of myself because I actually bought myself a winter jacket?? (I would link back but can't find the post after 13 seconds of dramatic searching.) Well I bought myself my FIRST winter jacket since I was 16. It's a big fucking deal. But this year? I also bought....wait for it.... an umbrella! I know- it's not as exciting as adopting a kid from Malawi with a gimpy leg, but it's going to have to just do. Seriously- this is a big deal. For YEARS I have bitched incessantly about not owning an umbrella and every time I was at Target it was all not raining and I figured "UGH-- I'll save my money until it's raining." Well the last 4 weeks have been NON STOP RAIN up in this bitch and at about week 3 1/2 I decided that I needed to grow the fuck up. So I bought an umbrella and guess what? Have not used it. I always forget it at home. At least I don't look like a fucktard for not even owning one.

3. I have gotten some new stuff into my Etsy shop and more is coming. I actually have a clearance section. I'm putting a ton of work into this damn thing and my brain feels fried. I need sales to keep me motivated. Shop otherwise my kids will starve and die.

4. I am thisclose to finishing the newest Chelsea Handler book, "Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang". I am in love with Chelsea. I am not even close to be as funny as her but seriously- I would like to just be famous for being awesome. I heard she broke up with Ted. I wonder how he feels about being a part time slut to me? I'm willing and able. I'm sure Matt won't care.

5. My new job is going GREAT. I really like it. I thought I'd be bored because it's not busy right now, but I actually really like it. It's only a few hours a day and it's pretty flexible so far. And I like everyone I work with so that's awesome. It's very strange because it's so different from my last job. In a good way.

6. Rosie is driving me nuts. She's making a fucking racket in the middle of the night with her moaning. Seriously. Thank god she's getting fixed on the 28th. But Lenny is awesome. He's my favorite cat. He's pretty fucking selfish but at least you know where you stand with him. If he wants nothing to do with you he pretty much shows you his ass and moves to the other chair. I can respect that. I would do that with Matt but I'm pretty sure he'd take it as an invitation. He's not super great with social cues.

7. I need some blogging ideas. Give me some inspiration. Or something. AaronBillyMacHarlan-- I think you should give me some ideas. We're besties now.

8. Did anyone watch TrueBlood last Sunday? Die fucking die!! Alexander needs to turn his hot naked self around. His ass is fabulous but we really want to see the front. Well, at least I do. And I know that it starts going to hell with Bill & Sookie in the third book but secretly I'm hoping Alan Ball switches it up. I like Bill. I would very much do Bill. I'm actually not picky and at this point my standards are rather low so this isn't saying much maybe. I saw a spoiler photo of the finale and Godric is back. WTF? He died last season. Are we ending the season with a flashback?! *sigh* I just hope we kill off Evan Rachel Whore super soon. I can't stand her.

OK- so that's me for the night. Tomorrow is Domestic Bitch Friday and I am not prepared.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Guess what pisses me off? Stupid people.

Do you know what drives me nuts? When people who are perfectly capable and not disabled portray themselves as disabled. You know what I'm talking about. Those people who hit the automatic door opener button and stand there, able bodied and capable of opening the door themselves, yet they WAIT to walk through the door until it's fully opened. Why? Why do you have to be such a lazy ass? Open the fucking door asshole.

I had to run to the grocery store today after work, and we all know how that experience usually is, and  I expected today to be no different. Fortunately, my check out process was fine since I had a really nice lady who must only work days and knows how to do her job. Anyways. So as I'm walking into the store I see this lady who is super fat. With her super skinny friend. And BOTH of them absolutely HAVE to use the motorized carts. And I'm sorry- but as a person who is not skinny and could stand to lose a ton of weight (update on that soon...promise).....using a motorized cart just makes you look like a bigger fat ass. Is it REALLY going to kill you if you push a regular cart around? The walking with combined pushing is a great work out. Try it some time.

Oh- and yesterday. HAHA.. so I had to go to JC Penney to pick up Jackson's 2 year old pictures. I'm only two months late getting them done, but whatever. So yesterday was pick up day and I get there right at 3:30. There is only one woman working the small studio and she was helping a lady who had just finished a session and was ordering pictures. No problem- I'm in no hurry. So I'm looking through the things they have out and the customer was like, "Do you have to go and help her?" and I pipe up and say, "Oh- no rush. I'm fine. I'm just picking my order up- take your time." I don't mean this literally. When I say this...I'm trying to not be a bitch. And believe me, it takes effort for me to not be a bitch. Anyways. So she proceeds to look over EVERY picture that was taken...for the next 45 minutes. OK- now you're pushing it, bitch. So finally she's ready to pay for her pictures and then she starts complaining that she can't pay for the shorts she wants to buy. Just because a photo studio is IN the store does not mean it's part of the store. Read the fucking sign whore.

So she's checking out and then her mom comes. And then customer whore lady wants to show her mom all of the pictures because -oh wait- maybe she should buy more. FUCK YOU. I had to obviously pipe up because it was not only a moral obligation but what I would consider an ethical one.

Me: "Hi. I'm a customer. I know you maybe didn't notice me standing here for the last 57 minutes but I need to pick up my pictures. I was polite enough to let you order your pictures but honestly? And I feel we can be honest since we've been together for awhile, your pictures are pretty crappy. Your son has enough snot to feed Ethiopia and nobody wants that kind of picture hanging on their wall. So if you could just hurry the fuck up so I can get out of here before the mall closes and I'm forced to walk around the entire building to get to my vehicle because only one exit is open- I would really appreciate that."

Customer Whore: "Who do you think you are? Telling me what I should and shouldn't order?"

Me: "Your worst fucking nightmare if you don't hurry the hell up."

CW: *blank stare*

She checked out within the next 30 seconds. After she leaves, I'm ubber nice to the poor girl working who smiles and says, "Thank fucking god. Her son's session ended almost three hours ago."

Are you serious?? Why do people think they are so fucking important that they can just take FOREVER doing something?? Like do what you have to do in a timely manner and move the fuck along.

Oh- so some of you asked what Matt and I did on our anniversary. He got me flowers (pink roses--even though we had white roses in our wedding. Close enough.) and we went out to dinner. Here's us in the car:
(I'm trying to grow my bangs out. This is not a fun process)
Anyways. So we went to dinner at a restaurant in town, Ace's, and Matt had never been there. I have and it's usually pretty good. They have good nachos and are the home of the charburger. I'm not sure what that means but I do know they have good pickles. And sometimes that's all it takes to win me over.

We had THE worst waitress. Do you remember when I had a bad one with my brother? This lady was worse. She took our order and brought the food fine. And then never came back. We had to go to the bar to get a refill and our check. Seriously. It should also be noted that in the entire restaurant/bar? We were the ONLY people in there. Ridiculous. I *get* that being a waitress can be hard, mostly when a place is busy, but come on. All I'm asking is that you do your fucking job. I didn't tip her but I left a tip for the bartender. He at least earned it.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Have you ever worked in an office? Then you can relate.

It takes a special person to work in an office and not turn homicidal. Most of my friends work in offices and we have always swapped stories of the horrors that are our jobs but I have one friend in particular who has stories that are on par with the ones I have. Which is why we're besties. She gets me.

We actually used to work together in what was my very first office job. This was when I was still really naive to people and didn't think that people were actually douches all of the time. No, seriously- I once was a shy, polite girl. Obviously that made it oooh..maybe 6 months. And then my friend showed me the light.

Anyways. So while working there I got an office, and by "office" I mean the room that shared the paper, copier and collating machine. I fucking loved the collating machine. And no other job I have ever had has had a collating machine and this makes me sad. I am 99% sure I have carpal tunnel from having to fold paper and lots of it at my last job on a regular basis. Bitches. So while shoved in my little "office" in the afternoons I realized that people were totally abusing the copier. Totally. Like I was clearing jams for bitches copying Good Housekeeping recipes. Number one- that's theft I'm sure, and number two- those recipes will not help you lose weight, fat ass. You need to actually exercise. I know, it's scary, but really- there is no other way.

Unless you like puking.

But what is amazing is that after a decade...two of my signs are still up!
And I was always amazed that I had to have a sign telling people to put the supplies back. Because honestly? I should not have to plan out a covert ops mission to find my pen.
But since leaving I guess it's gotten better. My friend tells me that nobodies lunch is sacred. Food and drinks that are purchased by the company for company meetings become a free for all. They actually have to have a lock on the refrigerator. And a sign, obvi.
But if you were able to break into the friend has your ass covered as well.
There are a lot of things about working in an office that are annoying. I mean, I could make this post last a very long time. But because we're having rain storms (AGAIN) and my power has gone out four times in the last 30 minutes, I'm going to just highlight some of my pet peeves in an office. Mmkay?

When you are working at your desk and realize, "Oh damn- I need some paper. And a folder. I'm just going to take a leisurely stroll to the office supply area." And you get there only to realize there is nothing that you need. No. Some jackass took the last of something without re-ordering. Or at least telling someone. Seriously? You just couldn't be bothered? Did you ever stop to think that maybe some people actually work at work (I know-- but there are an elite few who happen to earn their wage) and need supplies. And when you are doing, let's just say, PERSONAL stuff AT WORK with COMPANY supplies--- YOU ARE STEALING. You are not entitled. You are entitled to a wage when you work (and do your job) but you are not entitled to steal. Or make copies of some low calorie recipe.

I also can't stand it when people take a shit at work. Now, I have posted about this in the past but I was asked to remove it from my blog from my previous employers because it looked bad. I'm sorry- it's not ME that looks bad. Maybe it was YOU not flushing the toilet. And for that? You should be embarrassed. Anyways. So someday that might go back up. But seriously. If you absolutely MUST shit at work please flush the god damn toilet. Make sure everything goes down. If multiple flushes are needed, do it. It's like if you were going to kill something, you wouldn't just wound it and hope it dies on it's own. No- you're going to keep shooting it until you are absolutely SURE it's dead. Same policy with poop. And toilet paper. Even if you only peed. I really don't like seeing disintegrating toilet paper in the toilet. It's gross.

But my friend has photographic evidence on her cell phone that someone at her work shit on the floor. They made no attempt to get their ass on the bowl- they just let it go right on the floor. Now, I'm not one to judge those with disabilities. But we ain't working at Goodwill or Walmart. I think a bare minimum requirement on an application needs to be "must be able to shit in toilet".

More disturbing was a few months ago she emailed me detailing how someone had what looks like, a miscarriage on the toilet. I know- ON the toilet. Again, they couldn't even get themselves on the toilet to just let their uterus fall out. There was blood on the seat, all down the front/side of the bowl. Totally disgusting. I mean, how she did not send out an inter office email about this- I don't know. She obviously is a better person than I. Because I? Would have fired off an email so quickly because that shit is NOT sanitary. You should not be exposed to biological material when you are working in an office.

Also what pisses me off is when you work with people who smoke. Now, I have a lot of friends who smoke and my husband smokes, so I am sympathetic to the cravings smokers get. I get that. But honestly- the law states that your employer has to give you a 15 minute break for every 4 hours worked. And then a lunch if you work more. But smokers get a ton of breaks. And it's totally ok because you know- they are addicted.

Really? So are you saying if I was a crackhead, me taking time out of work to take a hit Lohan style in the bathroom would be ok? Because if so I need to become addicted to something if I ever work full time again. Honestly? I wish employers would crack down on that shit. No smoke breaks. Because when they come back? The fucking smell awful. You can't deal with customers/clients when you reek of smoke. Number one- disgusting. Number two- totally unprofessional. If you want to smoke while you are working- work in a smoke shop. Or a bar. (Unless you live in MN/WI where it is illegal to smoke in ANY public building. *Rejoice*)

There is a reason that Office Space is such a fabulous movie. There is a reason Dilbert has a franchise. There is a reason that The Office is a hit show. It's because these things really do happen. Every office job I have ever had has been eerily reminiscent of Dilbert and The Office. My last job? It WAS Office Space. If the building had burned down and I had stolen money from the place I would have lived that movie. And honestly? That's just sad.