Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Halloween, Religious Crazies, Republicans, Cats, and Swap.

Because I'm all about multi tasking, let's give you a whole batch of Sara Crazy Ass Randomness and call it a coherent post, mmkay?

So Batman and Lola are friends now. Apparently, once he realized she's willing to lick his face and his ass, he's OK. It's always nice to know what you're friends are willing to do and establish some boundaries. But they mostly just cuddle like this. Batman likes to know his butt is secure.
 A few weeks ago I was in a parking lot and I saw this vehicle. You know I have a thing about crazy people and this is why I carry my camera at all times. Do you feel better knowing it's not just a handyman, but he's a Christian aw well? Is that supposed to make you feel better about his skills and the fact the chances of him raping you and stealing all of your stuff is less?
 So tomorrow is Halloween. My kids are a princess and Spiderman. Olivia gets stuck as a princess because I refuse to let her dress like a slut for the sake of a holiday. Jackson is more disappointed his costume didn't come with any "squirter stuff" which... honestly sounds disgusting.
 He also was disappointed that he cannot wear this every day.
 And I was in a Halloween swap and I'm *just now* posting it. But it's from Lauren and I was SO excited. She was my movie swap buddy too and she's just really fun and great so when I saw her box I squealed. Look at all of my goodies! (No, the cat was not included though he thought his fat ass could fit into the box. That's my Stumpy aka fat ass cat who thinks he is a dog and is mildly retarded.)
 I ate the cupcakes and candy, burned the candle, cleaned up kid boogers with my tissues and have yet to use the rest. But the book looks scary so I'm kind of intrigued because I've never read a legit scary book so Lauren is popping my scary book cherry.

And then some of you were all like, "Sara- what did you do this weekend to relax?" All you need to know is that it involved these two things, cupcakes, and a vibrator. We're friends- it's OK to share that.
Oh bet the best part of this week so far are me messing with the crazy Republicans. I get a TON of calls from the RNC and I don't know why- I'm a registered Democrat. Yesterday I told the lady I was voting next week and I was voting Democrat and she tells me she's going to pray for me. So I tell her I really hope she has to collect unemployment and use food stamps after her telemarketing job ends next week. She was kind of pissed off.

Today though was the BEST. I had one ask me if I was early voting and I was like, "Well, obviously. I have my third abortion scheduled for the 6th so I don't know if I'll make it down. Better be safe than sorry!" Matt about choked on his dinner and all I got was a quiet, "Oh my" and she hung up. Best Tuesday ever.

A Cowboy For Christmas

Because who doesn't want a cowboy for Christmas? Shit, if he can cook, clean and clean up cat puke I'll take a non cowboy. This is all hypothetical because I'm happily married. *ting*

A Cowboy for Christmas - Lori Wilde

It’s Christmastime in Jubilee, Texas, but Lissette Moncrief is having a hard time celebrating . . . Especially after she accidentally smashes her car into Rafferty Jones’s pick-up truck. Yes, he’s a whole lot of handsome-from the tips of his boots to the top of his Stetson. But he’s no Christmas present. Lissy’s not about to let herself get whisked away by his charming ways and words . . . only to watch him drive away in the end. But what Lissy doesn’t know is Rafferty’s in town just to meet her-and to give her a share in a windfall that doesn’t rightly belong to him. At first, he just wants to do his good deed and get out. But one look at this green-eyed beauty has him deciding to turn this into a Christmas to remember . . . making promises he’s determined to keep-whether she believes in them or not. 

When I originally signed up to be on this book tour I was on a huge romance novel kick, which coincidentally always coincides with my period, and I kind of forgot about it. Then I got it in the mail and was like, oh... I hope this isn't one of those hokey romance novels where the woman just loses her breath when the cowboy whips a cow and and down on the farm loving. 

Oh stop it, you know I'm judgey like that. 

Fortunately, this turned out not to be like that at all and I totally loved it, finished it in the afternoon and really can say I'm a Lori Wilde fan after one book. What I love is that Lissette is not a wussy. She's a recently widowed mother of a son who she just finds out has a disability where he'll eventually become totally deaf. Which, single parent or not, that's a tough lot to handle. Her husband dies in combat and even though he wasn't the stellar husband she thought he'd be towards the end, it's still a rough situation. Then comes long lost half brother of her dead husband, Rafferty, and he just wants to do right by her and bam- it's kind of a tense situation but it obviously turns romantic. 

But what I like about it is that it was actually kind of realistic. Sure, the chance of a widowed mother of a partially deaf child falling in love with her husband's long lost half brother in a few short weeks maybe isn't the most realistic, but it's better than some of the novels out there. And none of it was over the top, everything felt normal and not overly dramatic and it was just a really great book. I thought the ending with Rafferty was kind of ironic because he is portrayed as this guy who's always trying to do good by others and save others and becomes a victim himself, but I loved how there was that final twist so not everything is as smooth as some romance novels will have you believe. 

So I loved it. It's a fun read, it's a fast read, and I think you'll like it. Check out Lori's website HERE, her Facebook HERE and follow her on Twitter HERE

Monday, October 29, 2012

Pee expert in training.

So, I meant to post about this on Friday but quite honestly- I've had kind of a shit weekend and I needed a break. In the process I lost three blog followers so there you go.

On Friday I took Olivia to see her pediatrician about the pee accidents. It was eventful but unsatisfying, if that makes any sense. Knowing she would have to pee into a cup and that her appointment was at 1:30, I gave the kids lunch at 11, made her drink like 20 ounces of lemonade and then figured surely by 1:30 she would have no problem peeing and we would be in and out.

Obviously I was wrong and it took me two hours to get the girl to pee.


At first she refused to pee in a cup, then she said she didn't have to go. Then the super nice nurse gave me what looks like a fat funnel for her to pee in, which would then funnel pee into the small cup. She didn't like this and it was awkward. Within 15 minutes of me sitting on the bathroom floor of the lab, Jackson sitting on my jacket and playing with my phone, and my wrist shooting pains up into my arm, I decided the funnel wasn't going to work.

So we take a break so I can regain feeling in my wrist.

I then make Olivia drink five glasses of water and two apple juice boxes. Because one way or another, we were not leaving without pee in a cup. I was in it for the long haul, I was prepared to wait it out.

At this point, Jackson is now annoyed that he is missing Octonauts on TV and keeps offering to pee in the cup for his sister. As hilarious and inviting as that was, Olivia had to pee. She just had to. Because you know the second we got into the car? She'd piss her pants.

I just knew it.

Fast forward another 60 minutes of me telling her she had to pee, her doing jumping jacks, me running the sink water, etc and nothing.


Then I plead with the nurse to help me out. I'm pretty sure I looked crazy but it was like praying to the rain gods. Finally she finds a bucket they give people who have kidney stones for when they pass. Having had kidney stones while pregnant with Jackson I can't believe I forgot about this.

Of course though, the bucket does not fit on the toilet so I'm having to hold it in the toilet, while Olivia sits on my arms because she obviously won't squat over a bucket and make it easy. Oh no.

Please keep in mind that through all of this? She is insisting she does not have to pee. This is a 3 foot, 11 inch girl who weighs 43 pounds- she has just had close to 50 ounces of liquid and she's telling me she doesn't have to pee. I'm calling bullshit.

Then, just as my arms were going to give up, she starts peeing. Peeing furiously. It was like a waterfall. I have pee splashing in my face, pee running down my arm, into my sweater, my wrists feel like they are going to give out between having this kid sit on them and the weight of the bucket, but she finishes. I have never been so happy to hold a bucket of pee in my entire life. It was kind of glorious.

I had to then get said pee into the tiny cup and into the mini door in the wall to the lab. And then wait.

Thankfully, the doctor told us they'd test it and just call me. She wasn't about to make me wait to find out if Olivia had an infection because I was dripping with pee and I had pee in my hair. She knows a frazzled mom when she sees one. About a half hour later I got a call to say that while it wasn't the cleanest sample they had ever had, she was free from infection. They would culture it anyways and since I never heard back this weekend, that all ended up OK as well.

Where does this put us?

Well now we get to see a pediatric urologist. I've already seen a poop expert before, now we can add a pee expert. YAY. The problem is that the guy comes up once a month to Duluth and is fairly booked out. Like, I'd be able to see him in Duluth maybe next summer. Which obviously isn't going to work because I can't keep dealing with this- I'm at my end. So sometime today or at the latest tomorrow, I should hear about the availability of an appointment in this guy's office which is in the Twin Cities. It's not horrible, it's about a 2 1/2 hour drive one way and I'm down there enough where the drive isn't horrible. The problem is that I likely would have to go with her alone and I hate that. I hate feeling like yet again, I'm alone in dealing with all of these problems and I'm tired.

I am so tired.

The best part is that we could potentially spend a LOT of money getting this problem looked at and there could be nothing wrong with her. I won't lie- I will be angry if I spend a lot of money and it turns out that she just wants to have control over something. I feel like I'm in a dangerous spot because I'm losing patience, I'm losing sympathy, and sometimes I wish I could just check out. I feel like if there was something legit wrong with her I'd have a game plan, I would know what to do. But as it is, we're in this limbo.

On the bright side, she had no accidents all weekend and we had no issues. Which is really great, but it's also infuriating because I know it's all preventable, she's just refusing to go when she needs to go.

So here's my conundrum: do I take her to the urologist when we absolutely cannot afford it, we can't even afford what our portion would be with insurance in consideration, or do I not? I want to take her to the therapist but what if I can't afford it? I feel like absolutely nothing is ever good enough and I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I can't make a right decision for anything and my anxiety is through the roof. And I'm alone in making the decision.

I yelled at Matt yesterday for asking Olivia questions and when really? He isn't home enough to know what the hell is going on, so don't come in here demanding things be done your way and act like you know what you're talking about? For three years I've been alone in dealing with the poop issues and now the pee issues. I'm so exhausted and weary that I'm lashing out at the first person who says anything to me about it. Then I realized I have so many issues of my own that for whatever reason, are picking now as the time to creep up on me and I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like I can't deal with me until I get Olivia squared away because it would be selfish to fix me first. But then, can I really fix Olivia if I'm a hot mess?

It's just too much sometimes.

Happier posts starting tomorrow. Pinky swears.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Serenity Now, Bitches.

Let me first start off by saying I love my kids. Like, a lot. I really do. They are happy, they are healthy, they make me laugh and smile and for the most part? They light up my life and reaffirm my decision to be a parent.

But then weekends and weeks like this happen and I think I was such a fucking idiot to ever become a parent because this sucks. The fun and joy of parenting is completely gone and the anger I feel scares even me. Here's a run down of what my last 7 days have been like:

  • 38 loads of laundry. No, not just regular loads- but loads with urine saturated things. 
  • 17 tantrums over me making a certain seven year old go to the bathroom. 
  • 1 screaming fit on the floor in which said seven year old decided to thrash and yell at me that I am the worst mom EVER. 
  • 15 times I caught her lying about something- whether it was it she went to the bathroom, wiped, cleaned her room, put her clothes away, etc. 
  • 1 trip to Target for big kid pull up's. No, I'm not fucking joking. 
  • 3 times I screamed into my pillow. 
  • 7 times I broke out into tears of frustration. 
  • Constant arguing over homework and sight word practice. Even though she's awesome at both and super smart. 
  • Little to no support from Matt, unless it involves yelling- he's all in for that. 
Then on top of that, I have a lot of stuff on my plate just normally. I have some PTO stuff I need to finish before our fundraiser tomorrow, I have Girl Scout to organize because I don't know what I'm doing. I have paperwork to find for Matt's retirement fund forms. I need to clean my house at some point and do some of my own laundry because I wore my emergency underwear to work today. I have I have some book reviews to type up, emails to return, and a custom Etsy order to start and get in the mail by the end of the week. And that's just the half of it. 

I really feel like I am on the edge of falling off. I'm so fucking sick and tired of busting my ass for everyone and I can't even get my daughter to stop pissing her pants because she doesn't feel like it or because she doesn't want to miss out. So I have her, just pissing left and right for no reason and I'm so fucking over it. I want her to stop and be responsible, act her age, and do what she needs to do. I feel like I'm the shittiest parent ever because I clearly don't know what to do and neither does anyone else. Every person I talk to is like, "don't get angry at her", "love her through it" and none of it works. I'm sorry- you try doing 38 loads of pee laundry and tell me you aren't angry. I shouldn't bust into tears when I smell pee. I have read countless potty training books, books on parenting, etc and nothing is helping me. Nothing is making me feel like I'm doing anything right. 

Does she have an infection? A medical problem that she can't control pee? Is she anxious or depressed? Is she being beaten up or bullied? What would cause a kid to not want to go to the bathroom, ever? We're still dealing with holding poop and now we're onto urine and I'm so fucking over it. I'm exhausted. I'm weary. I feel like I'm reading to wave the flag and give up all together. 

And so all I do is cry after they go to bed and hope tomorrow will be better. She has a doctor appointment on Friday and then next week I'm going to try to get her into a therapist and honestly? I hope at this point there is something medically wrong with her because I don't know what else to hope for. I'd like to have someone tell me I'm doing a good job and not tell me I have no right to be angry and frustrated. I'd like to enjoy being a mom again and not cry every night before bed. That would be really great. 

Cold Light

It's not very often that I tell you that I flat out hate a book when everybody else will tell you it's amazing and wonderful but here you go.

Cold Light - Jenn Ashworth

I’m sitting on my couch, watching the local news. There’s Chloe’s parents, the mayor, the hangers on, all grouped round the pond for the ceremony. It’s ten years since Chloe and Carl drowned. You can tell from their faces that something has gone wrong. But I’m the one who knows straightaway that the mayor has found a body. And I know who it is.
Jenn Ashworth’s gripping and unforgettable Cold Light is the story of a friendship unsettling in its intensity and of one terrible summer when lies, secrets, jealousy, and perversion result in tragedy more twisted and evil than one unsuspecting community can handle. A dark tale with a surreal edge, it follows two fourteen-year-old girls, best friends, as they confront the dangers of a predatory adult world, where truth is cruelly sacrificed in the name of innocence.
Ok, so I was absolutely intrigued by this book because we've all had that one really best friend who we've done everything with and the thought of not having them is devastating, especially when you're 14. Plus, when you have a tagline like "They found a body. I know who it is." - who doesn't want to read that? 
But I was disappointed. I have a really hard time when the writing is so lofty. I mean, to explain one scene takes pages and it makes it really hard for me to continue, let alone care. Did I finish the book? I absolutely did because what I discovered is that I didn't like Chloe one bit and not to be cruel, but I kind of wanted her character to be killed. That sounds so totally wrong, but really. Bad egg from the start. But everything about this book is bizarre. You have a teenager with clearly low self esteem (Laura), you have a teenager who is clearly misguided and a bad influence (Chloe), and then you throw in this insane cast of characters- the family, Carl, Wilson, Emma, etc and it's just too much. 
Did I see the ending coming? OK, I will admit it and say no, I didn't. I didn't love the ending, but I guess in hindsight it all kind of made sense. It doesn't change the fact that this book was so hard for me to read just because it's written so difficult. Does that make sense? It's like all of this added time was given to lofty paragraphs and drawn out passages that I was so frustrated within the first 100 pages. Then I thought once the story got rolling it would flow better but it didn't. 
I really wanted this to be like a Jennifer McMahon where nothing is really what it seems and it blows you away at the end and it just wasn't. It took me three weeks to read this book and that tells you something considering I can get through about 3-4 books in a weekend. I'm a fast reader but I kept losing interest in this one and that was probably the biggest disappointment to me. 
I am still going to encourage you to read it because I've seen some other readers rave about this book so maybe it's just me. Maybe I'll feel differently if I read this one in a year, maybe I'd love it then. Who knows. Check out Jenn's webpage HERE too because there is a lot more book information that will likely sway you to read this. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Housekeeping and Monday Rambling.

Morning, bitches!

It's Monday and I am exhausted. I have a lot of stuff to catch you up on such as:

  • Smashing Pumpkins concert on Saturday. I have a few pictures, not a ton, but I have to tell you about "Todd" and how he rubbed my ass the entire time and it was hilarious and awkward because I had nowhere else to go. It was nuts to butts, as Kate said. 
  • And how Maggie the GPS failed me AGAIN and forced me to get us from St. Paul back onto the highway to Duluth all on my own. And then I took a random chance and found the right highway on total accident and all was good again. 
  • Car Naming Contest. Matt and I cannot agree on a name and it's caused some fighting in the house. This means I'll have to have you people all vote and once I figure out how to make a voting thingie work on here, I'll have that up. 
  • Domestic Bitch Weekends are going to come back. I was in a baking mood which I have decided happens when I see people with babies. Since I can't bake a baby because Matt is a fun killer, I decide baking cupcakes is the next best thing. Which is hilarious because if I eat these cupcakes surely I will look as if I'm baking a baby. It's the Circle of Life, yo. 
  • Because I have been asked MULTIPLE times if Dear Sara will ever come back, it will. But you people keep emailing me questions with "don't post on Dear Sara" and frankly- if I can't post on here (without your name, obviously) I'm going to start charging your asses. Dang. Even Dr. Phil gets paid. 
  • Laundry room versus Matt. Drywall may be going up. I'm not going to talk all crazy and name dates, but let's just say that drywall may be purchased against his will. I've decided that home improvement projects for Matt is much like Olivia refusing to poop. You can say no all you want, but one way or another, it's going to happen. 
In other news, I saw on a friend's Facebook page she purchased a book and it looks REALLY interesting so you know once I get my pay check I'll have to buy it as well. It's called, Help Me Live As I Die: Cancer vs. the Power of Love. You can check out the web page HERE. But I think this is kind of a great book simply because it's a same sex couple who are struggling with an impending tragedy and it's their love story. It sounds really inspiring anyways, but the fact that it's a same sex couple who love each other and go through the journey of cancer together kind of makes those anti-gay marriage people look like assholes, doesn't it? We all know I'm pro-choice on pretty much everything, including same sex marriage, so I'm interested in this book. So if you are at all interested, spread the word or pick up a copy for yourself and let me know what you think. 

Also this weekend I put myself into a Mommy Time Out because sometimes? I'm just over it. This weekend I caught Olivia lying about the dumbest things, and it's like it doesn't even phase her. First up was the fact she totally peed the bed. I'm sorry- but if your entire room smells like pee? Don't stand there and tell me you did not pee your bed, as your pajamas are totally soaked through. Come on now, it may be early in the morning and I may be completely exhausted, but I'm not an idiot. So she starts screaming at me that I don't ever believe her and I'm like, obviously- you're dripping in pee. I don't know what other conclusions to draw from this. So I told her that she wasn't going to Grandma's house because of this and then she FLIPS OUT that she never gets to go to Grandma's house and I'm a horrible mom, etc and I just had to explain that maybe next time she'll think about lying. I mean, I don't know how many times I can say that I won't be mad if you have an accident and just tell me. Seriously. But if I find the evidence shoved in a closet or I'm on the search for The Smell, I'm going to be kind of pissed off that you lied and then tried to hide it. Hello- I will always find out. But that was just one instance of the weekend and by the end of last night I felt like running away. 

So YAY, let's hope this week isn't a total bust. I also have my eye on some concerts. Cross your fingers. 


You know flat out that I bought this book based on the cover, right?

Wake - Amanda Hocking
Wake (Watersong, #1)
Fall under the spell of Wake—the first book in an achingly beautiful new series by celebrated author Amanda Hocking—and lose yourself to the Watersong. Gorgeous. Fearless. Dangerous. They're the kind of girls you envy; the kind of girls you want to hate. Strangers in town for the summer, Penn, Lexi and Thea have caught everyone's attention—but it’s Gemma who’s attracted theirs. She’s the one they’ve chosen to be part of their group. Gemma seems to have it all—she’s carefree, pretty, and falling in love with Alex, the boy next door. He’s always been just a friend, but this summer they’ve taken their relationship to the next level, and now there’s no going back. Then one night, Gemma’s ordinary life changes forever. She’s taking a late night swim under the stars when she finds Penn, Lexi and Thea partying on the cove. They invite her to join them, and the next morning she wakes up on the beach feeling groggy and sick, knowing something is different. Suddenly Gemma is stronger, faster, and more beautiful than ever. But her new powers come with a terrifying price. And as she uncovers the truth, she’s is forced to choose between staying with those she loves—or entering a new world brimming with dark hungers and unimaginable secrets.

Now, I started this book while I was in the middle of Amanda's Trylle Series which ended up being just OK. They weren't great but they weren't horrible either and because I'm so indifferent to them I'm just not going to review them. But having read those and now this one I will say that I appreciate that Amanda truly is stepping outside of the box. With the Trylle series it was mainly about trolls and while other books mention trolls, how many do you know are written based solely on trolls? Hardly any. With this book I had no idea what the hell the super natural character was going to be and Amanda once again steps outside of the box with Sirens. Not mermaids, which according to one character in the book, don't exist. But Sirens, which are apparently people eating mermaids? 

Now, if you find yourself saying, "What the hell, Sara? That sounds fucked up!" that's because it kind of is. When you really think about it- the Sirens essentially trick Gemma (a human) into "partying" with them and she wakes up on the beach with no memory and it turns out she's a Siren. Which, doesn't sound so bad because she's a great swimmer as it is and now she's a super duper fast swimmer so she's thinking this isn't so bad. But THEN- bodies are discovered totally mutilated and the Sirens aren't just mermaids, they turn into these horrid birds (this is where I was all, "What the hell, Amanda?!") and they eat people. 


It's all so weird I don't know what to tell you about it other than it was bizarre. Then you have two romance story lines kind of happening and just as it starts getting good and you get some action- book is done. It ends with a cliff hanger and her annoying sister vowing revenge and it's just so weird. 

But you know I'm obligated to buy the other books in the series because I hate cliff hangers and now I have to know what happens. Damn you, Amanda  Hocking for woo'ing me with your fancy covers. 

Confessions of a Corporate Slut

So, a little back story before I start my review. A couple of months ago I received an email from Jacqueline Gum about reviewing some book and what my policy was. Fast forward a few weeks and we've exchanged a few emails and I have the opportunity to read her book for review. I am really excited on the project she is working on because if her book is any indication of what I have to look forward to, it's going to be worth it.

Confessions of a Corporate Slut - Jacqueline Gum
confessions cvr Confessions of a Corporate Slut
In CONFESSIONS OF A CORPORATE SLUT, Roberta conquers a bare-knuckle, male-dominated industry and achieves unparalleled success as an overachieving sales pro, entrepreneur, and corporate manager. But something is missing in her life. Marriage. Family. Purpose. When Roberta finds love, she is oblivious to the astronomical losses she will sustain—including pride, self-esteem and money—the tradeoff she makes to help her CEO husband push his manufacturing company to the pinnacle of its industry. When Roberta moves out of the family home at seventeen, her only working experience is a $1.35 gig at Dairy Queen. Unqualified and underage, she cajoles her way into managing a new restaurant and bar. Eventually she realizes the sales profession offers the best way to maximize her income, so she hits the road in hose and heels and a fifty-pound sample case of glassware, stir sticks, and beverage napkins. Little did she know her success would someday propel her into the unfamiliar role of the ideal corporate wife. Roberta is the polar opposite of a victim as she faces each challenge with her trademark mixture of spunk and grace. Her wry sense of humor intertwines with conflict, weaving a tapestry rich in humor and irony. Inspired by a true story CONFESSIONS OF A CORPORATE SLUT, is a tale of ambition and failure…a tale of emotional connection and disconnection … of support and about-faces … of fear and loathing…of love and hate. And a story that is all too often being played out in today’s corporate culture.

Right off the bat I am going to tell you that I know next to nothing about business or how business is done. What I do know is that it's pretty hard to have a worthwhile career when you have a vagina versus a penis. I don't care how far we have come in the whole female empowerment movement, women are not taken as seriously as men are. It's just a fact. I will say that some of the business talk in the book was confusing to me but it's not enough to turn you away from the book- you'll get through it. 

Honestly, this is a story that I feel a lot of women could relate to one on level or another. Raise your hand if you visioned your life very differently than how it turned out to be a few years after marriage? Right- pretty much all of us. If someone had told me ten years ago that at age 30 I would not have a budding career as an executive assistant but instead I would be working part time for spending money, volunteering at my kid's school and being a little home maker- oh how I would have laughed. Because these are all of the things I never really wanted to be. The fact is that I like to work and I like to work a lot. I enjoy working on assignments and deadlines and wearing heels to the office and being the competent assistant to someone. I really enjoy that. I really miss that. But the reality is that my husband works 60+ hours a week and he needs me to hold down the house, take care of the kids, deal with their schooling, run all of the errands, and keep it all together and then be ready for him when he comes home. 

And I do it well. Which is probably the ultimate downfall. Because if I wasn't good at this, surely I could go back to work full time and all would be well, right?

So I really related to Roberta on a particular level. She gets married and slowly drifts from a career she not only excels at but she truly loves, to being the unpaid corporate wife cleaning up her husband's messes. She propels him and his company to new levels with her experience and her advice, and she believes that it'll all work out for her because it's what she was promised. And you'd think Roberta is just this lay down and take it kind of woman but she's actually the complete opposite. She isn't afraid to stand up to a man, voice an opinion, or tell it like it is - it's what has gotten her where she is in her career.

What is truly amazing to me is how a marriage can start out so strong and full of promise and just slowly deteriorate. This is basically a tale of such a marriage and what happens when you have one person who is seemingly in denial and one person who couldn't be trying any harder to run in the opposite direction of their spouse. And then the kicker is when she's in the middle of her divorce and her husband has the BALLS to basically strip her of everything. It's basically every tale of woe you've ever seen or heard of when a marriage falls apart and one person decides to be a total selfish asshole. Nobody wants to go into a marriage wondering what they'll do if it doesn't work out- but really, that should be something you consider. My mom always told me when growing up, "You don't want to grow up and be a man's doormat. Never, ever rely on a man to get you by." and I live with that in my head all of the time. I may not make a lot, but I know that if Matt and I divorced I could get a full time job, even if it was just a fast food place, and land on my feet. I wouldn't need Matt around to get me by and honestly- I think our marriage is better for it. Who wants that kind of pressure knowing that they are the sole person holding an entire family afloat? In these economic times, that's just unrealistic.

The greatest part of this book is that as you're reading it? You feel like this is a long story you're hearing from a long lost girlfriend over lunch and drinks. There are spots where you know exactly what's going to happen because you already see the components for failure clicking into place but yet you continue to be stunned that a person could be so vindictive.

I basically finished the book and proceeded to tell Matt that if we ever got divorced? Everything will be 50/50 and he won't be an asshole if he'd like to keep his balls. He clearly looked alarmed and suggested I stop reading so much because clearly I'm growing delusional. Which, maybe I am, but really. Have some respect for your wife and recognize what she brings to the table. She may not be bringing in income, but if your house is in order and your children are cared for- she deserves to have this acknowledged.

So- if you are a divorcee or have an asshole husband currently, this is probably a great book for you. Or, if you are happily married, it probably wouldn't hurt to read it so you can appreciate that your husband is not a jerk. The book is available HERE and you can visit Jacqueline's website HERE.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Santerra's Sin

I know I say it a lot, but I have a thing about romance novels where the guy is a trained killer. I don't know what that says about me as a person but somehow I can't help myself.


Santerra's Sin by Donna Kaufman
Santerra's Sin
There aren’t many places to get a cool drink in the middle of the New Mexico desert, and divorced bar owner Blue Delgado likes it that way. Little to no competition means that she gets to call the shots: her cantina, her rules. But there’s something about her new cook that sets her senses tingling—and it’s not just the way Diego fills out his jeans. When an old friend warns her that her life is in danger, Blue realizes she doesn’t know anything about her new employee—except that Diego excites her to the core. Could a man she is so attracted to be trying to kill her? All Diego Santerra has are his instincts, honed to precision as a member of an elite tactical squad. He keeps no personal ties that could compromise his missions: no family, no friends. His work is his life, and his new case is no exception. But the moment Diego lays eyes on the woman he is assigned to protect, he realizes that everything is about to change. As trained killers set their sights on Blue, Diego knows it’s going to take everything he has to keep her alive—and to make her love him.

Other than the fact I really hate the name Blue Delgado and I kept telling myself that is a really stupid name throughout the entire book, I really liked this book. I very much appreciate a book that is only 240 pages and I can finish it in about three hours. 

I knew right off the bat that I was going to like Blue and I was going to love Diego because Donna developed these characters well. Sure, they both have troublesome histories and they come with a lot of emotional baggage but for ONCE the woman isn't an idiot. When things get tough Blue doesn't get all pissy and huffy and storm off like an irrational teenager, she just becomes very logical and level headed. Which is very much how I am and I appreciate that. Not all of us women are going to freak out when we find out the man we love is a trained killer who has no emotion about it. We can look at and accept that it is a job and at least he's employed. 

I also really love how you get just enough back story to know what's going on and it's more focused on Blue/Diego rather than the bad guys, so to speak. I've read a lot of romance novels, which I did end up liking, that really spend almost more time on the crime and danger than they do the romance and the woo'ing. Which is really lame, because us wives who don't get woo'ed by their husbands like to know that if we get divorced maybe we could be woo'd. Or if our husbands fall off the house while putting Christmas decor, maybe the concussion would suddenly turn on the woo'ing side of his brain and all would be well. 

I also have to say I loved the ending. I was so happy that Blue ends up doing what she wanted to do all along instead of just falling in line with what Diego wants her to do. It's so hard to find a female character that isn't a petulant teenager in a woman's body that doesn't do whatever her guy wants her to. Truly. You'd think it'd be all female empowerment, but it's just not. 

So, I loved the book. It's a super fast read and perfect for when your husband is snoring loud enough to make the cats angry in bed and preventing you from sleeping. 

Comanche Moon

I believe.. I may have swung over to the dark side of historical romance. You remember I reviewed one from the other day and now I have this one. And I'll just tell you right now I'm downloading more because I am out of control.

Comanche Moon - Virginia Brown
Comanche Moon
The Comanches did her a favor when they killed her loutish husband on her wedding night. But now this Southern belle is the possession of a fierce, blue-eyed warrior called Hawk . . . Zach Banning, known as Hawk among the Comanches, is caught between two races, two cultures, two lives. Deborah Hamilton is a Mississippi beauty who came to the Texas territory for an arranged marriage. Little did she know, her new husband's people have earned the Comanches' hatred. They enact their vengeance on her wedding night, kidnapping Deborah along with other women and also the settlement's children. She expects the worst at the Comanches' village, but instead finds kindness alongside the challenges. But when Hawk barters her away from her owner, intending to seduce and possess her, Deborah finds herself in a battle of wills laced with deep desire. 

Loved the book. I did. I will say though that in the beginning I was not sure that I would like it and that I could get into it, but once I did... I was hooked. Matt is starting to believe I have an unhealthy obsession with  romance novels because my Nook needed to be charged and I couldn't find the cord and it was a tense 3 minute search for it and I believe Matt feared for his life. 

But let's get back to the book. 

First up, Deborah is kind of a moron who is clearly unable to read social cues. Like, when a guy stares are your boobs? There is probably a fare chance that he likes you. That isn't typically the moment to fear for you life- you should be looking for a comfortable spot to lay down in. *ahem*

What really intrigued me about this book is that clearly it's historical and you have the taboo relationship between a white woman and a Native American and back then this is clearly unheard of. And while initially Deborah is scared (obviously) after she is kidnapped by the Comanches, alongside her cousin Judith and many others, she eventually begins to care for Hawk/Zach as well as his younger sister, Sunflower. I absolutely loved how the story is about Deborah/Hawk and then when she goes back to where she came from, it becomes Deborah/Zach and all of this crazy, dangerous, drama and I loved it. I loved every single second of it. I thought the characters were great and what you'd expect if this was true to life- you can clearly picture these characters in your head, the setting, everything happening, etc without it all being too much. You know how I hate when authors go into such detail that 17 pages later, you want to kill yourself and throw the book because really? You don't care how many leaves are on the tree, you don't even care how many trees are there, just say you're in a forest- we get it. 

End rant. 

But Virginia Brown is not an annoying writer- she is to the point with enough detail that you can fill in the gaps on your own. I will say that I wanted to punch Judith myself and if I were Deborah I would have done so. And there's a part in the story that I was so angry with Judith and her stupidity that I wish Deborah would have just stopped caring all together for her because clearly it isn't reciprocated. But I can't tell you any more about that because it would ruin the last third of the book. 

Trust me. 

So I really enjoyed this book and I am already looking forward to more books by Virginia Brown. I also got this book through NetGalley so I have to thank them for being great too. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

My Scandalous Viscount

I'm going to say this right now and up front: I was a historical romance virgin and this book popped that cherry.

My Scandalous Viscount - Gaelen Foley

Meet the courageous men of the Inferno Club as they face their greatest challenge yet: marriage! Sebastian, Viscount Beauchamp, lives by a code of honor, and now honor dictates he must marry Miss Carissa Portland. He has no regrets over stealing a kiss from the adorable little busybody-a fitting punishment for putting her delectable nose where it didn’t belong. But now, caught in a compromising situation, he knows he must make her his bride. He’s faced danger before-but nothing like this! Carissa is not a gossip-she’s a “lady of information.” And all she was trying to do was warn the rakehell Beauchamp away from an irate husband. But even she can’t flaunt Society, and while her head tells her that Beau’s a notorious scoundrel, her heart-and her body-are captivated by his dangerous charm. But when Carissa next goes snooping, the secrets she uncovers about the Inferno Club may prove even more hazardous than falling in love with her own husband.

I now understand why historical romance is equally loved and hated. Of the people I know who are fans of romance novel most of them fall under historical romance or contemporary romance, both of which are very different. Historical romance is all very old fashioned (obviously) and the women often don't have a choice on who they marry but learn to love the man and happy every after. In contemporary romance, you have women holding out for their dream man and lordy here he comes with all of his issues and she saves the day and steals his heart and happy ever after. 

I'm more of a contemporary/slut-it-up kind of gal but you know I'll try anything once. Usually. 

Which is why I totally signed up for this tour. It was everything you think of when you think back to the romance novel book clubs our moms or grandma's were signed up for and you see these books come in the mail and it's the damsel in distress and maybe if you were lucky you'd see a bad word you shouldn't be reading. (Stop laughing because you know I'm not the only one guilty of this.) 

I wanted to hate this book. I really did. I'll be upfront with this. I went in thinking I was going to hate it and would barely be able to finish it. But then I started reading and discovered I really liked Beau and dammit... I got hooked. I finished that book in an afternoon and totally loved it. So much so that I'm ordering the other ones in the series because now I want to know what happens with the other men featured in the book. 

Carissa really is everything I hate in women. She thinks she knows it all, she has very little insight, and she's a gossip. She doesn't think about her actions or the consequences which make her a nuisance. Then you have Beau, completely embroiled in a political scandal and then he's dealing with Carissa, who he had to marry because she heard too much. 

Overall this book wasn't a quick read and at some points I was annoyed with Carissa enough to want to give up. But I stuck with it because I wanted to figure out what the scandal was all about and then see if Beau and Carissa would end up happy. And you know what else? As I was reading it, it felt very Sherlock Holmes to me. Not the books per say, but the movies. As I was reading this, I'm picturing a Sherlock Holmes cast of characters and not going to lie, that probably sealed the deal for me because it made it more fun to picture it in my head as I was reading. 

Please check out Gaelen's website HERE and her Facebook page HERE

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Head colds and stress.

Can I just say that having my second head cold in a month is kind of shit? What happened to my once a year policy? So while tonight I'm stuffed up and then blowing my brains out in a Kleenex, I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel super. Right?


But I would also like to say that I'm sick of getting vented onto and yelled at by people. Every day for the last two weeks at least one person just dumps all of their problems on me and then yells at me because it's somehow my fault. It's not MY fault you overextend yourself and don't check your calendar. It's not MY fault that your husband is angry that you're cheating on him- he kind of has a right to be. It's not MY fault that you just got fired, perhaps if you did your job at work instead of play on Facebook all day, you'd still be employed. It's not MY fault that you can't buy your kid a winter jacket- maybe you should stop going to bars every weekend. I'm sorry I can't call and visit you all of the time- I have a very busy life. If I have the option to sitting at home and reading on a weekend versus spending all of my extra money on travel? I'm going to pick sitting at home. It's not that I don't miss you, it's just that financially? I have to be better about what I do.

I'd like to know where people get off just dumping it all on me. Maybe I'm just too quiet. Maybe I should just throw it right back into their faces. Sure, I'm sarcastic and I'll call you out if I need to, but I'm just trained to shut up and take it when someone is clearly pissed off and having a bad day. But I'd like for some of these people to recognize that I work my ass off every single day. I put everyone before me. You need a ride to the airport? I'll skip dinner and take you. Need someone to volunteer? Sure, I can do that and just get to bed later even though I don't feel well. Need to call and cry it out? Dishes can wait. It's like not one of the things I do for anyone is even acknowledged or appreciated.

I appreciate when people step up to volunteer, or help out, or whatever- but then don't come back and bitch about it. If you don't want to help or it'd be a problem- that's totally fine. I can do it or find someone else. And please don't tell me you can help me, then don't show. And don't call. Because here I am, counting on you so I can have dinner with my kids for the first time in two weeks and you leave me hanging. Again.

So I think I need to just go ahead and take some NyQuil, shut my phone off, and die quietly in my bed from booger suffocation.

A Ghost of a Second Chance

Man oh man, do I have a ton of book reviews I'm typing up over the next few days. Bear with me and I'll post my regular hilarity in between, mmkay?

A Ghost of a Second Chance- Kristy Tate
Cover for 'A Ghost of a Second Chance'
An eastern wind carries more than dust and ashes; it uproots secrets and everyone knows that once one secret is told, no secret is safe. Laine’s haunting secrets--the estrangement from her husband—the unknown body laying in her grandfather’s coffin—the sudden and strange appearance of a difficult ghost—take her to the tiny town of Rose Arbor, her grandfather’s hometown and the place of her grandmother’s death.

As Laine unravels the mystery of her grandparents’ marriage she is forced to face one more question of the heart—Can love live even after it has died?

This book is described as romance/suspense and it was true to its word. Honestly I found it hard to get into because Laine is... well she's difficult. I have such a problem with women who are all stubborn and turn their back on logic and love because of their own issues and insecurities which is exactly what Laine does. 

It starts off with her grandfather's funeral, the subsequent discovery that his body is missing, visitations from her grandmother ghost that only Laine sees, and the dealings with her marriage which may or may not be going to hell in a hand basket. Once I got past my initial problems with Laine, and then me starting to really like her ghost (even though she's frustrating even to me with her half answers and child like attitude), and then me rooting for her husband. Because not going to lie, I called it. I really felt bad for her husband and I was annoyed that Laine couldn't see what was really going on. But it's often the case, isn't it? Lots of couples hit rough spots and instead of really working on it together and both listening to each other, one person makes assumptions and that's really what signals the end, right? Well I can't tell you how it turns out for Laine and her husband, but I can tell you the ending of the book brought full closure. 

Except I would have loved a better showdown of wife versus secretary. I'm just sayin. 

So it's a fast read, it's not a heavy novel with lots of thought required, and overall I enjoyed it. And if you end up reading the books I review, email me and let me know what your thoughts were- I always like comparing my 98 cents to someone else's. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

TA DA! Awesomeness and a contest for YOU.

Today is probably the most fun day ever, mostly because I got to pick up my very brand new car. Like, super new. Like, I am it's first owner and it's GLORIOUS.

But can I just say that I have only one sad let down and it's all because Matt was once again wrong and doesn't know everything he thinks he does. Why? Because when he told me I'd have the fancy ambient lighting? He was wrong. I have no ambient lighting.

It was probably good that he wasn't with me when I discovered that little tidbit AFTER the paperwork and financing went through.

Anyways. Let's talk about the vehicle. It's a 2013 Ford Escape SE. It rides amazing and when you are doing 75 mph in a 25 mph zone? You don't even notice it until other drivers give you the "way to be unsafe in a residential, asshole" face.

 But it's got this snazzy "infortainment" screen and it has Sync. Which, once I got it set up it's kind of creepy. To have bluetooth without having a headset (which I would never use because those people look like assholes who want to look important), is kind of like that show Knight Rider. Remember that? Where David Hasselhoff was talking to the car named Kit? That's basically what it feels like. Except the first time it rang, I will admit to panicking and hanging up on the person because I didn't know what to do.
 I also can get Sirius radio (which, LOVE) and it tells me the song/artist. Which, most of you have in your vehicles but I have not and this is exciting so just shut up and ooh with me.
 But here's what it looks like. It's much shinier now because they washed/waxed it for me this morning. These pictures were taken on Saturday.

 Oh and I have to figure out how to work this screen. Because I don't know what it did but while driving, it started scanning the vehicle and then loudly proclaimed that nothing was wrong. So yeah. Weird.
But here's where you come in: this bitch needs a name. Clearly, it's a girl vehicle. I mean, obviously. But it needs a name so I can talk about it like it's a real person and not a vehicle. So if you want to win a box full of random crazy from me, you need to leave a comment (with your email address, obviously) with a name suggestion. Matt and I will decide which one is the best and I'll send you a box full of random, completely crazy, and pretty awesome stuff. I'll keep this open all week and next Monday we'll decide who the winner is.

But until then, I'll be driving around. Did I mention that it has a really great audio system? And like, volume on 11 is like volume on 30 in most cars? I might be deaf by the end of the week! I do have to get used to having blind spots again and having to use mirrors versus actually turning my head and that's very strange. But, it's not nearly as long as my van so I can back up and not worry about taking out 3 cars in the process. Oh AND it tells me how many miles until my gas runs out. Which isn't a big deal if you drive in town all of the time, but I do a LOT of road trips so this is kind of great.

OK. Enough bragging. Give me your name ideas.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


You know how I like to do book reviews but pull in a little of my own life experience, right? Well here's a doozy.

Virgins - Caryl Rivers

For the seniors at Immaculate Heart High, hormones jousted with the quest for the State of Grace, and the hormones usually won.  The Map of Forbidden Sexual Delights extended its boundaries nightly in the back seats of tail-finned cars. But the girls of Virgins also wanted more. Who could they grow up to be in a word where women were supposed to be seen, but not heard?  They were rebels with a cause, before their time. But growing up anytime is hard—finding, and losing first loves, discovering who you will be as a grownup. It’s a universal experience, one that readers of all ages can relate to. As the Atlanta Constitution says, it is “A novel that is fun, funny, bittersweet and always touching… because Rivers writes with such clarity of purpose and spontaneity, anyone at all can enjoy Virgins.” And they can laugh and cry as they read. Critics called it “brilliantly comic” (London Times)  “Riotously funny” (Library Journal) and showing “sharp comic form” (New York Times Book Review) As the Chicago Tribune says, the book “Rings with authenticity—and also from a great store of wit and wisdom. Few other writers are as funny as she, and none funnier. Yet she is capable of wrenching your heart and soul.” The kids of Virgins—Peg, Sean, Con, Davy—will stay with you long after you close the book on their hijinks and heartbreak. One Amazon reader says “I read this book when I was 17. I’m now 40 and this book still makes me laugh until tears are running down my face.  It’s a once in a lifetime read about coming of age that every older teen should read.” And another said, “If my life had a bibliography, this book would be on it. I love it. I read it first as a teenager, and revisit it regularly when I need a pick-me-up. It is one of the funniest, most touching, most wonderful books that I have ever discovered.” Virgins is a timeless classic tale of growing up, one that readers can discover and re-discover all over again.
OK. So let's talk about how I lost my virginity because I'd like to think most everyone's first time is kind of awkward and horrible. At least, just lie to me and say that's true. 
It was a Saturday in October, I had been dating the boy for a few months and we had been engaged for a few of them. No, I'm not joking. I was also 17 and stupidly fell for the "we're engaged so we may as well" argument. Ah... young love. 
It was his parent's house, he was a few years older than me, and we thought we were alone. Nine Inch Nails "The Great Below" was playing, a candle was lit, it was all supposed to woo me when really, I was so nervous I almost threw up. I also fell for the "he's a virgin too" line and when I look back at it now I think I must have been a true idiot at age 17. I mean, an absolute idiot. It lasted all of a solid minute because his brother started banging on the door like the house was on fire. It was painful, he wasn't exactly graceful, and basically told me to walk it off afterwards. As he's getting his brother to leave, I'm totally getting myself dressed and I really just wanted to go home and die quietly but no. We walked around his neighborhood for awhile and the entire time I wondered what the hype was about. That was totally lame and not worth it at all. Thankfully, Matt eventually came along and then I totally understood why people become whores- it's awesome. When done correctly. 
But let's talk about the book. It was just kind of meh for me. I really expected it to be hilarious and bring me back to my high school days. Unfortunately, I did not go to a Catholic high school so when I think of hilarity and hijinks, I think of people grinding dirty at school dances and having sex in parent's garages or on teacher's cars. Which none of which was featured in this book. A Catholic school girls version of scandalous is much different from mine. And not going to lie, the entire time I'm reading this book all I could picture was the movie Grease and I expected people to bust out in song and dance as they shimmy in their poodle skirts. 
I also don't remember anyone being that sex crazed in high school? I mean, I'm sure there were a few- but when I look back at what high school was like for me, most of my friends were kind of scared. None of us were trying to rush into it and then when they heard about my craptastic time, I'm sure their boyfriends were less than impressed to be shot down. 
I struggled to finish the book and when I did? I'm sitting here holding my Nook feeling like I was just really let down. I didn't laugh once during the entire story, I had a hard time relating or even liking most of the characters and I don't think girls in this generation would really get it. Now, if you were older than me, say in your 40's or 50's? It might make more sense to you but it's just very different from what a teenage girl's life is like now. Or even 15 years ago. 
Don't you dare solely rely on my review, definitely check out what others are saying HERE. I posted this review on GoodReads as well and it's a pretty mixed bag over there, but I've seen quite a few who loved the book. So maybe you'll end up loving it and you can tell me I'm a moron and totally wrong. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Sara's 98 cents about the news and other random things that are making me stabby.

OK, now before I get into this post I will say that I have spent a lot of time on different websites recently just reading random things because I was bored and couldn't sleep. Some of it is old, some new, some you probably don't even care about but here we go:

1. Lindsey Lohan and her mom. Seriously, the fact that Lindsey hasn't gone the route of Britney Spears is seriously a miracle because she clearly has crack head parents. When you have a dad like Michael Lohan, and you ask him to record your phone call, then you need to just assume he will release that call for money. And then if you have a mom like Dina who will go onto the Dr. Phil show high as a fucking kite, then you need to make sure she doesn't drink wine and do some cocaine. It's probably a terrible combination.

2. Taylor Swift. Is it just me, or do you think she's probably a crazy, boyfriend stalking slut? Because I know she plays this good girl image up and looks all cute and polite and genuinely dumbfounded when she wins awards but I really think she's probably a mentally deranged slutty pants. I know if I were dating a Kennedy I'd be thrilled, but if you have an obsession with all things Kennedy? Best to keep that shiz under wraps because it's kind of awkward. And I'm sorry, but her writing songs abut exboyfriends? I'll admit they are catchy and I'll sing a long, but it gets old. Especially when you keep writing about John Mayer. Seriously, we get it. He's a douchebag- but everyone knows that. Guys like that and you go in knowing you'll be used and discarded. Honestly.

3. My mom told me she believes Paul Ryan looks like Gilligan and now I can't look at him without thinking he's Gilligan.

4. Jerry Sandusky's wife. Can I just say that I think his wife should be in prison? Because as my mom pointed out, I don't care how big your house is- if you have boys screaming for help because they are being raped? You're going to hear something. And to turn a deaf ear to that is just as bad as the rape itself.

5. The Jennifer Livingston fat TV anchor. Over her. Honestly, she is overweight. If you are overweight, you probably shouldn't be talking about healthy lifestyles. I mean, sure- the guy was a dickhead to legit write an email to her about being fat but come on. Time to get over it. And if I hear the "I have thyroid problems" for another overweight person I might scream. Honestly. I have an addiction to ice cream, pizza and french fries. I at least own it.

6. The trains by my house. I'd like to know why the trains that go past my house literally have to blare their train horns for 7 minutes straight every morning between 1 and 2 am. Honestly, if there is a deer on the track, just hit it. If it's a drunk driver napping, just him them- they're probably repeat offenders anyways. No need to drive me to the brink of insanity every single night.

7. If you are terrified to drive? You need to get the fuck off the road. I respect my elders and all that snazz, but if you are 90, barely able to see over the steering wheel, taking out pedestrian crossing signs in the median and doing 15 in a 35? I'm going to say bad words at you and maybe give you an obscene gesture. I don't discriminate on age- I would do this to anyone. And don't give me the finger when the cone you hit causes me to drive on the side where all the road garbage ends up- you're the asshole here, not me.

8. And then if you are a pedestrian, I will totally stop for you. But pick up the pace homie. Now is not the time to joke around, text, or basically be the slowest fuck ever.
Is it wrong to want to honk to scare them across as well?

9. Matt saw something on the news about a zumba instructor really running a brothel. I told him I have zumba tomorrow and he legit gave me a weird look.

10. Oh- and we are approved for our car loan! Tomorrow we sign the purchase agreement, get the loan check, and then my vehicle gets ordered. What? Oh yes, it's coming from Chicago and guess what else I'll have? A REMOTE STARTER. I didn't even ask Matt about that, he did it on his own. And then said he thought it was maybe BJ worthy. And oh did I laugh. Not quite, pumpkin. Gift exchanging holidays and significant birthdays only babycakes.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Impulsive Sara and Sara on a rampage.

So, something you don't know about me is I'm very impulsive. I don't make rash decisions I later regret, but once I've decided something- I rush through to get what I'm after.

Example: new vehicle.

We've wanted to trade the van in for quite awhile. It has served us well but we don't need that large of a vehicle anymore and I'm too cool to be in a van. But I also know I don't want a car. Having driven a vehicle higher up the ground has shown me that as a short people, I need that to feel like I'm not going to die on the road. So I've found one that is everything I want, need, and in our budget.

A 2013 Ford Escape SE. I'm still trying to talk Matt into going with an SEL but so far, he thinks the SE is the way to go. I want this thing BADLY. I'll be happy with an SE and the payment would be better but if we can swing an SEL... this will be a very happy girl. I am very hopeful to get this baby before I go to a concert on the 20th. CROSS YOUR FINGERS.

In other news, are you as sick of the political callers as me? Because in the span of three hours, I have gotten 57 calls asking me to participate in various surveys. Guess what? It's the same questions and I've been patient enough. I'm so fucking done. Honestly, if I get one more call I'm going to lose it. Straight up lose it. It's the Republicans calling me, too. I'm a god damn registered Democrat. I have never voted for a Republican in my life, WHY AM I ON YOUR LIST???

I'm pretty sure the last one I got, which was a real person and not just a computerized thing, when I started telling the guy that he better remove my god damn name and number off their fucking list because I would have to be deaf, blind, and stupid to vote for Mitt Romney. I just got a lot of stuttering and he hung up on me. But now I just get the computerized thing and I'm just fucking over it.

I'm also on every do not call list imaginable, and yet... I still get these calls. I also get calls from some credit card companies who want to lower my rate. When I don't have their card. (Yes, I've checked my credit report, all is well).

So yes. Matt is ready to cancel our phone number so I stop screaming into the phone.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Maybe I won't be chunky forever.

So though it appears I've fallen off the skinny bitch wannabe wagon since I haven't posted anything about it in weeks (seriously, I can't even find my last post), I want you to know that I am firmly clutching the rail of said wagon.

In other words, I'm still working out and resisting the urge to eat pizza and spicy chicken sandwiches (no mayo) from Wendy's every day of my life.

It's helped because my friend Tammy and I have been going to Zumba every Thursday and now Sundays. If I could manage to go on Tuesday I totally would but then Olivia would be late for dance every time. If I could convince Matt to fucking help me out and just drop her off, then I could go. But then it would cut into my time with the other dance moms and honestly- I look forward to Tuesdays for that alone.

So, Zumba on Thursday and Sunday. It's going well. I still look like a hot ass mess with my fat deposits jiggling long after I've stopped. For having a Kardashian ass it's not as easy to sexily shake it like you see on TV. Seriously. Try gyrating your ass like a stripper and see what happens. I'm convinced these women are earning every germ infested, crumpled up dollar they get because to make your ass jiggle while nothing else does? That's talent, yo. I'm woman enough to admit I could never be a stripper for this reason alone.

Despite the fact of being in baton and dance for years, all of my rhythm and balance has seriously disappeared. I've discovered that I can no longer stand on my right foot for very long. Left foot? All day, bitches. Right foot? I will fall over like a stroke victim in rehab. I can do all the moves involving my left side but my right side is so uncoordinated, it's like half my brain can't comprehend doing the same thing just on the other side. It's bizarre. And I'm sure the ladies behind me think maybe I am a stroke victim instead of a moron with no skills.

And when your instructor tells you not to do every squat (all 100 of them throughout the hour) fully if you aren't used to it? She's not joking. You will get stuck on the toilet when your thighs cannot get you up and you will need assistance by your seven year old, while your four year old laughs at you. You will walk as if you have a full diaper and nobody will take you seriously when you brace the chair and table to sit down and get up. It's not cute and you need to not do that again.

But you will because you are stupid and you will find yourself in the same position. Except this time you won't be able to sit on the toilet fast enough and you will need new pajamas. I don't know first hand obviously, but this is just what I'm assuming. Totally. 

So yes, I'm still exercising. Diet? Meh- I'm not even trying. I won't even lie. I fucking love me some french fries. Honestly, baby Jeebus wouldn't have given them to us if he didn't want us to eat them. Obviously.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Dreams of a goat.

For years I have tried talking Matt into letting me have a goat. I would even settle for a mini donkey or a sheep. He says I can't have any of these. He also won't let me get a fluffy dog either.

Ladies- if you are engaged, you need to ask your future husband- would he let you have a goat? If not, he is not the man for you. He's an asshole dream killer in disguise.

I don't even know why I want any of these things other than they are kind of cute. For years I was telling Matt we'd save a shit load of money on birthday parties because we'd just have kids come over and play with the fainting goat. We'd have the most kick ass kid parties ever. He fails to see my reasoning but bitches when I spend money on parties.

*sigh* Life would just be so much easier if he would just listen to me.

Admittedly, I have no desire to do animal care- that is strictly his department, I just want to pet them. And don't tell me to go to the zoo because those animals died in the flood. I think they maybe have a new sheep or something but still. It's not the same.

A few weeks ago I left a comment on Shannon's blog about something and I obviously mentioned goats. Later that evening, she emailed me a conversation she had with her boyfriend Andy:

Andy: "who is sara? Why is this Matt an asshole dream killer?"
Shannon: "you met them. Remember? From WI?"
Andy: "Why is he an asshole dream killer?"
Shannon: "Because of lots of reasons. Mostly because he won't let her have a fainting goat "
Andy: "Well shit. I wouldn't let you have one either. "
Shannon: "You're an asshole dream killer then. "

This right here is why I love Shannon- she clearly gets me. She understands my plight. Then she sent me a fucking FANTASTIC YouTube on goat care for Matt. 

I'm not joking when I tell you I want you to watch this.

Do you see those goats? They live in a neighborhood- these people aren't on a farm. So there's Matt first excuse out the window.

Secondly, "humans are attracted to diminutive animals that make cute noises". EXACTLY.

Thirdly, goats are browsers and not grazers. This means that they will mow the lawn- something Matt hates doing. He doesn't recognize that this would help him out. He would also have a friend to hang out with in the garage.

They also burp a lot, which Matt would also have in common with the goat. They rarely get to be more than 40 pounds and honestly, Stumpy is half way there on his own. And Batman.

Sure, the goats need supervision and a fence would probably be ideal. And they might eat the sandbox and probably every plant in my yard. And probably the old garage. But honestly, we'd be a good family for a goat. They might not be legal but I'm surrounded by pedophiles- none of them call the cops to report goats.

So guess what I did??


I signed Olivia up for 4H. And I maybe wrote on there that she has an interest in goats.


Knowing full well Matt will be the 4H helper since he was in 4H and I don't do outdoors or animals.


And I didn't tell Matt.


(obviously, we'll see if any of this turns out but you can bet that there is more to come.)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Laundry room update: DIY gone bad.

Honestly, if this were anyone else's house it would be funny but because it's mine it's just sad and tragic. Yes, we are STILL trying to get this mother fucking laundry room done and every step forward is really seven steps backwards. And lots of swears.

For you newbies out there, please go here to see what the laundry room started out as.

One of the biggest problem with the laundry room, aside from the ghetto sink, is the door. Our laundry room is right off of the kitchen and off of the laundry room is a really hideous, purple, uninsulated back porch. In the winter it gets so cold in there that the actual back door stops functioning. (Matt assures me he is pretty sure he fixed that but time will tell.) In order to save ourselves from hypothermia the door between the laundry room and the back porch needs to be an exterior door. Which, no big deal.

I once again sprung money on Matt during a Home Depot trip and he was again, not impressed. Especially as he's trying to fit an exterior door into my mini van on what had been so far, the coldest day of the fall and it was super windy. It also probably didn't help that both kids were crabby, I had to pee, and we're all telling him to hurry the fuck up, we're hungry.

He's a good sport. He sure is.


You can imagine that he was equally impressed when I told him that YAY, you can install that bitch today. The thing with Matt is that you have to almost be really mean and yell at him to get the project done RIGHT AWAY otherwise it'll sit in the garage and he'll likely burn it in a bonfire and then think maybe it wasn't a good idea. (You laugh, but any one of my friend can tell you about the time he randomly burned our fence. True story.)

So Matt started taking down the old door. Easy peasy. Only to realize that the door? Was never actually installed. And by that, I mean that it was screwed into short pieces of random cut wood, and the wood was just kind of there.

Which completely explains why the door never functioned properly and you sometimes thought the wall was going to come down when you opened the door. Because the wall actually COULD have come down when you opened the door.

Lots of swears started happening and then Matt made his first run of the day back to Menards to obviously get more wood. Apparently, he would have to rebuild the entire wall.

Guess what Matt really hates doing? Building and repairing walls. Only because he hates drywall and sanding and painting and building a wall leads to that.
 So this is door removed. You see above the door how there is literally no support above it so the door doesn't bow over time?
This is the door and frame gone. See? No bracing above the door, nothing to the side, nothing. Matt was not happy.

So lots of swearing, measuring, cutting and bracing the door and making sure it's level, and it's installed.
Of course, the deadbolt set we bought had an issue. We had it keyed to match our other house keys but when Matt started putting it in (at 7:30 p.m.- keep in mind this project started around 1 p.m.) he noticed the screws and the switch plate were gone. So poor Matt had to race to Home Depot before they closed and then all was right in the world.

But the best part is while Matt is bitching about how everything in our house was done so fucking half assed and horrible I came along and reminded him that HE was the one who wanted a fixer upper. HE wanted to make it ours and do all this home improvement stuff so really? He's living his dream right now.

I was almost killed with a power tool at that moment. You see, when Matt's stressed and pissed off he does not appreciate my witty humor. It just makes him more angry but makes me laugh.

So obviously, I win.

But that was like two weeks ago now and I don't think I need to even tell you that the drywall hasn't gone up yet but he assures me he has everything he needs. I also don't think I need to tell you I don't believe him.

The moral of the story folks is that if you don't know how to install a door? Don't do it yourself. Because the next homeowner will wish he had your current address so he could beat the hell out of you.