Dead bodies and almost muggings.

Nobody cares about anything other than my snippet that I maybe saw a dead body. And I don't know if you care that I was almost mugged or not, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways.

So on Sunday I was heading down to St. Paul for the Rhianna concert. I've already talked about this. Well it's like a two and a half hour drive from where I live so it can either be really boring and uneventful or it came be full of crazy fucking drivers who can't merge onto a highway or drive with their blinker on for 30 miles and eventually cut you off because they have no idea what they are doing.

But Sunday was different.

I was just driving along, singing along to some Awolnation, when I see this really nice, black Lexus with Illinois license plates and dark tint windows. Immediately I think, "Oh it's nice to see the recession hasn't hurt the drug dealers coming from Chicago" only to snap out of it when I see that the guy drives like an asshole essentially raping the line between our two lanes. Like I normally would do, I move one more over to my left because I am not sure if this guy realizes he's not the only one on the road. As I do that, a pickup truck pulls ahead so he's kind of next to me, but I can still see the Lexus.

AND THEN.

The trunk of the Lexus flies the fuck open and I obviously slam on my brakes because I don't know what's going on, and the truck next to me does as well. And guess what I saw?

A guy, just laying in the trunk with a jacket on and he looked like he was in the fetal position.

Now, I didn't drive up next to it to get a better look but out of nowhere, the driver of the Lexus kind of swerves and the trunk slams shut. The next thing I know the Lexus very unsafely whips into the next exit and I'm looking at the truck driver and we both have, "Holy shit, what the fuck was that????" looks on our faces.

"You called the cops, right Sara???"

NO. No I did not. Only because A) I didn't get the license plate number, B) I don't know what exit he even took and C) I can't even tell you what mile marker we were even on. I didn't look at any of these things because I was too focused on the maybe dead body in the trunk. Scary shit, peeps. Even now, I can't remember what city I was even near.

So that's my dead body story.

The next piece of action was when I pulled into the parking ramp for Rhianna. The guy at the pay booth informed me that they've had "some incidents" with stuff in the ramp so I should be careful and watchful. Creepy and weird, but duly noted.

After the concert, I was walking and I am so thankful that I parked as close to the exit, but as near to the elevator as I could. When I walked past a few cars, just as I was getting to mine, a GUY popped up between the cars I was just next to and all of the hair on my body went up. Then as I look in my rear view mirror, there are about five guys kind of scattered around the lot, crouching between cars. The whole thing is very sketch.

So I decide to not piss around with my GPS and I back out of my spot and try to haul ass to the exit. But the guy that was literally next to my car, started kind of running after me. I was totally scared. I was kind of annoyed there wasn't anyone in the pay booths otherwise I would have said something to them about the assholes clearly looking for someone to do something to. But nope, nobody around. I took off and thankfully was able to figure out how to get home without my GPS.

But all in one night, hookers. All in ONE night.

This chick needs some pepper spray and a taser.

Mommy is on the outskirts of crazyville.

Do you ever notice that as soon as mommy gets super pissed off that everything starts getting done? It's a miracle really, which is why maybe a  mommy should be President. You need someone who can scare the shit out of Congress to make anything happen.

It's been a stressful two weeks. Once again I've not only not taken anything off my plate, but I've instead added youth indoor soccer and swim lessons for the kids. I'll talk about the soccer (with pictures!) another day, and we don't start swimming until Monday so I'll probably have stories to tell you. So that means my time that I block off for reading for reviews and catching up on emails, paperwork, PTO stuff for Olivia's school, is dwindling to almost nothing. I'm stressed out, I'm getting tired much earlier than I ever used to, and I'm starting to lose my mouth filter. I'm not kidding- one of these days I'm just going to start shouting obscenities at people for no reason.

But I do a lot around the house, I'd even say as much as 80% of the housework, plus I cook dinner, I make sure the kid's have their homework done, I help them get organized for the next day, I take them to school, I run them to their activities, I keep on top of what's happening at said activities, and more. A lot more. More than I can even remember because I'm that overwhelmed. And I don't even ask for a lot of other people. I really don't. If I'm asking for help, it's because I have a twitchy eye and I'm stabby.

We don't need a stabby person with a twitchy eye.

So when we got our new bedroom furniture (pictures and report on that coming soon) LAST Friday, we had to do a huge furniture shuffle. Olivia got our old bed and my dresser, Jackson got Matt's dresser, their dressers came downstairs, side tables moved, etc. Then of course I have to go through and clean everyone's room and purge stuff because I'm crazy. And my dining room ends up looking like this:

I believe I've mentioned I'm crazy and I have a problem with clutter and mess. My dining room has been hoarder's paradise for oh... a FULL FUCKING WEEK. I can't even go in there. Matt promised to take it out last Saturday. 

And didn't. 

Every day since then, he's promised to take it out to the garage. 

And hasn't. 

Tonight, I lost it. Admittedly, throwing a pot of cheesy rice and broccoli was probably a poor choice of communication skills. But I think with me holding an empty pot with cheese sauce dripping down my arm and probably a twitchy eye, Matt all of a sudden decided right now is a super time to take it all out. 

And that's what pisses me off. 

Why do I have to get incredibly crazy ass angry for it to get someone to do something? Even the kids, who bitched every 15 minutes about being hungry so I'm furiously cooking supper while sorting through thousands of milk caps, box tops, and soup labels (fundraiser for Olivia's school), then refuse to eat when I get it done. 

STAB. 

Seriously. These are the times nobody tells you about motherhood and wedded bliss. There will be times where you hate your spouse and want to run away. 

This is one of those times. 

Deck, Shitty Gardening, and Matt's new motivation.

I know you want another deck progress report and I aim to please bitches. This weekend we had a massive yard sale and with our earnings, we bought some stuff for the house. This means I learned what stair stringers were. And then Jeebus gave us stairs.

Look at that four foot section of stairs!

We still need to put the stair railings on, but hey- at least I don't have to jump off the deck to take the garbage and recycle out!

But you're probably curious about Matt's solution for the gap?

As it turns out, there was no solution. So the gap will remain forever and ever. I tried not to be angry about this obvious fuck up. So I took it out on my planter.

Every year I start with good intentions on this planter and every year it's a mother fucking fail. But since the lovely Shannon is all hard core about yard care, I figure I need to give it another try. So I pulled out everything in it, put new soil in it, and some petunias.

So far, the petunias are still alive. But check back in a month, I bet they will be dead. Sorry petunias.

In other news, I have been thinking of new ways to motivate Matt to continue with the home improvement projects. And then yesterday, a crazy woman in Superior gave me the idea I needed.

On 21st Street in Superior, this bitch took it to the next level. As it turns out, her divorce that she filed last July finally became final this week. And so to celebrate, she put her ex husband's stuff out in the yard, decorated his junker truck, and then hid out in her house.

Because you know hoards of people came by to take pictures.

And apparently, the pile of shit was much larger earlier in the day and people actually were taking things off of the pile.

At the end of the afternoon, the truck ended up being towed. The sad part is that they have kids and so that's shitty. I mean, kids don't need to know that their dad is a fucking cheating douchebag, but on the other hand- I want to buy this lady a beer. How many women have been angered and wronged... and wanted to do this? I think we've all been there and most of us didn't have the guts to do it. So good for her.

Matt feels a little more motivated, so good for me as well.

Breaking Dawn- midnight movie, bare feet, cup frenzy, and condom head.

Maybe you didn't know this about me, but I'm a Twi-hard. I am and I am not ashamed of it. I have been counting down to Breaking Dawn since Eclipse came out and it definitely did not disappoint. Was Kristen Stewart amazing? No, but she never is and you just expect that her happy, sad, and constipated face all look the same. Was Robert dreamy? Of course. Is this the movie where Jacob reveals himself to be a pedophile that can lick his own ass (in theory)? Why yes. Yes, it is.

First off, we got to the theatre at 4:30 like crazy people and proceeded to make friends with the first two girls in line. The strategy here is that they open the first (and largest) theatre at 10 for seating, and if you are in the front you can go sit down in actual chairs, get your pick of seats, and get ramped up to sit for another two hours... just in a different location. But while waiting the just under six hours to do that, we admired the artwork.

 We got into a cup frenzy when we realized for the low price of $6.95, you can get a large soda in a collectible Twilight cup. So I went up and got one. And got a fucking Jacob cup. I hate Jacob. I can't be attracted to someone who, hypothetically, could lick his own ass. So then I decided to make Kate go up and get me an Edward cup. Unfortunately, the theatre people are pretty hard core and would not let you pick... and you guessed it, she comes back with a fucking Bella cup. I don't think KStew has any kind of discernible talent, so I don't want that. I decided at almost 10 that I would suck it up and try for a third time (just tally up what I've spent so far). I got another Jacob cup while my friend Tammy behind me? Got Edward. Not cool, man. Not cool.

But I decided it was either not meant to be or I could hope someone throws theirs away and I would dumpster dive. Don't question my love for Edward or even for Robert Pattinson, because RPatz was my date.

 I even had my "I love Vampires" shirt on. And blood red nails. I thought I grabbed my red lipstick but I apparently didn't.

The other bonus to sitting in a crowded room for two hours is that you notice the people around you. OH! Before I talk about that- let's talk about personal hygiene. The people behind us in the lobby (group of 6 or so) smelled horrible. So horrible that when it was close to 10 and we really had to squeeze in, I could barely breathe. It wasn't just me, Tammy and Lisa also had a hard time breathing while Kate and Angie were OK, but they were dealing with a woman who came drunk. I know. Class it up, right? But here's the thing- daily showering is kind of awesome. Not just for your own cleanliness, but because nobody wants to smell your stank ass. Seriously. Combine that with them chain smoking the entire time? The fact my lungs are still inflated is kind of a miracle.

Anyways.

So once we got in, we noticed some fun people around us. There was of course, your expected teenage couple on a date too nervous to make up but being over the top touchy feely it makes you want to barf. I can say 100% that I was not like the couple in front of us. I think I told Ang that this is how that show Teen Mom came about. That right there.

Then there was the woman with an unfortunately small hat for her head... and it made her head look like a ribbed for her pleasure condom.

 Or the person who thinks it's OK to stick her BARE FEET on some one's head rest. No, it's not ok. First off, it's November and it was damn cold that day- you have no business wearing no socks you freak. Second off, nobody wants your feet grazing their hair. What if you have a fungus? Now the person in front of them has foot fungus in their hair.

Anyways. I had other pictures but they were blurry and you can't really tell what they are meant to be. But the movie was good. It was pretty much what I expected it to be. The only thing I kind of didn't like was the birthing scene- first off, kind of gross and gory for PG 13? I covered my eyes and almost threw up once. I also love it how Edward is all holding the baby as Bella is dying and I'm all, "DUDE! Put the baby down!" and that is so typical guy. A woman pops a baby out and the dad is all, "Wow-- this is awesome" as the mom is all writhing in pain or dealing with a placenta, or having to get a shot in her va-jay-jay for stitches and just you know- completely oblivious. So rude. Anyways. I was also really wanting more sex scene. It better be more graphic in the deleted scenes on the DVD otherwise I'll be stabby. Fucking teenagers ruin everything.

But overall? It was a good time with some great friends. I'm already excited for the final installation of the series... and you know I'll be there at midnight. Or more realistically, at dinner time.

And for those of you who want to know.. did I ever get an Edward cup? Yes. Yes, I did. Because you know my stealthy ninja ways totally grabbed the cup from the schmoopy couple in front of me when it became clear they had more pressing issues to deal with than the cup. Then I also grabbed another one that someone foolishly left behind. So now I have two. And a Jacob cup. I gave my other Jacob cup to Angie because she loves him and I won't fault her for that because she's young and will see the light some day.

I need the Cat Whisperer. For the sake of my toilet paper and sanity.

Folks- these cats will turn me into an alcoholic if Matt doesn't do it first.

Stumpy and Batman have taken to being freaks in general. Lenny was weird, but now that he's in kitty heaven/decomposing under my apple tree, Stumpy and Batman obviously feel like they need to make up for his crazy which only adds to the crazy they were already bringing to the table.

In short, I have two cats who are mildly retarded and/or ADHD.

First, it was the ladybug that both cats stared at for over an hour. The bug was on the ceiling but my cats were like on surveillance and were not going anywhere.

 Then they sleep in the 69 position almost every night. Until Stumpy hogs the bottom 1/3 of the bed because he's obese and only one. But then Batman sleeps either on top of my head or in the crook of my neck. Which was cute when he was small but Batman, under his filthy and uncleaned mounds of fur, is a bit of a tub-o-lard himself and it's pretty much him trying to strangle me. But they start in the 69 and lick each other's special spots. Which Matt and I have to listen to. If that doesn't make you horny, I don't know what will.

 You may remember when my bedroom was a CSI crime scene a few weeks ago? Yes well, I have noticed that the cats are ALWAYS staring at the threshold of my bedroom. My bedroom floor isn't finished, so this is what it looks like. Now, I've looked down there thinking there MUST be a mouse. No. I can't see anything. But Batman was eating all of the insulation that was in there. So.. maybe that's like cat crack? But in my paranoia I made Matt put a board on this so a mouse (if that bastard is in there) can't come up.

 And then one morning, I woke up and had to pee. I knew I wouldn't make it upstairs so I went into the laundry room.. which is off my kitchen. I find this. This is TWO rolls of toilet paper and the basket upside down. Mother fuckers.

 Not even a week later, Matt goes up to take a shower and see this. Those fuckers not only clawed up the toilet paper, but knocked the garbage can over and chewed on EVERYTHING. Batman has a taste for qtips while Stumpy (who's obviously already mentally deficient) chewed the cotton balls which were soaked with nail polish remover. And Batman chewed on a pad. A used pad. It was really horrible to clean up.

 THEN. This morning, I go upstairs to pee and I see this. And folks? This is happening EVERY DAY. I'm going through so much toilet paper it's unreal. Do you know how expensive toilet paper is???

And don't tell me to shut my bathroom door. Because it doesn't shut very well and that's where the only heat vent for the upstairs is... and it'll be like a sauna with the door shut while the rest of the upstairs is frigid. So that's not an option.

But seriously. What the fuck? WHAT IS GOING ON??? Why can't I have cats who aren't weird assholes? Is it me? Do I push them over the edge and make them this way? All I know is that I can't afford a super pack of toilet paper every week.

So.. what should I do?? Does anyone know where I can get quality toilet paper for cheap??

Thanks + More Crafty - More Snow = Less Ghetto?

To get you started this evening (I swear on my right boob that I have funny in this post) I am posting a vlog. You can see me stumble through a terrible thank you to some of my readers. I suck at that but I figured THAT would be better than me doing my regular "thanks- you are cool". So.. ok. And I didn't preview it because you people freaked me about telling me I sound weird. Now I'm all self conscious when I say "about" and such. One time I actually said "a boot" and now I'm getting teased. Whatever. So I refuse to see what I look like. HA!

(Edit to add: Forgive the static. I decided to listen to it and guess what? THIS IS PROOF I'M NOT CRAZY, Matt!! It does make a static noise! Any techie people?? Help me prove my husband I'm not a retard.)

So I haven't had a chance to show you what is in my shop. And my "link" button isn't working so you're gonna have to just go to www.scrapinsara.etsy.com (which links.. WTF blogger? WTF?) and check them out. But I have an entire greeting card set (more coming soon):

 And cutie Valentine's cards. I have a few different ones and I made myself an extra set of these.

OK. So we are all familiar with the ghetto state of my van window, right? If not, you need to click on that link and be ashamed of yourself for not knowing what's going on. Anyways. So right now the only thing keeping my van from being robbed of it's seats and random shit in there is a huge sheet of plastic and some duck tape. Well, I'll tell you one thing- neither of these things will keep you warm but they WILL give you the experience of scraping the inside of all your windows so you can see out them. And I've also discovered that I think I have freakishly small arms because folks? I'm struggling. I got my boob stuck in my steering wheel today and it hurts. I'd show you a picture of the huge red mark that is still there but I think that's porn and my blog will get flagged or something. Anyways.

So today it snowed and shit and I didn't think anything of it. Until I went outside to find that some of the tape is not longer sticking so I had a snow drift. IN MY VAN. Guess how awesome it is to shovel out the interior of a vehicle? Um, it's not. Seriously pissed me off. So I put even more duck tape on it and I hope to god that it not only stays sticked to the van door part but that if it does fall off... my seats are still in there. I heard that some people will steal your seats and stuff. I don't know if that's true but sad day because I don't know if I have a clause for that in my insurance.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow morning brings me. :/

But I will tell you one thing- I will never have this problem again. Granted, if we're being honest my window will probably get shot out again. BUT I told Matt we are going to have a special account with my deductibles sitting in it. But until then.... I'm without a window and $125 short. Oh payday.. where art thou??