Budgeting sucks, math is hard, and adulting blows.

As we enter the month of June I feel like I'm getting my ass handed to me by life and adulthood in general. We were doing really well with budgeting and then we had some pretty hard core expenses come at us.

• Lucy had to have an ECHO, and it turns out she's totally OK (yay!) but that was just over $3300, and we of course don't have that kind of money just laying around. 
• Our refrigerator died the day after I bought $300 worth of groceries. Because it somehow knows it, right? Fortunately it happens the day my dad just happened to be in town and my parents were able to finance one for us because we absolutely couldn't because we would literally be without a refrigerator even still. Not kidding. 
• I, very stupidly, mistakenly made my hotel reservation for my Mayo Clinic appointment for the wrong day and didn't realize it until the very last minute. I couldn't get a refund but I was (thankfully) still able to secure a room for the correct day, so I got to pay for the same room twice. 
• I didn't realize that an oil change without a coupon costs $80. Guess you won't ever forget the coupon EVER AGAIN? This gal. (I also won't ever go almost a year between oil changes either because as it turns out, I got the overly enthusiastic mechanic who lectured me the entire time. It really reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where the mechanic drives off with Jerry's car because of his lack of commitment to car care. I feel like had I gotten out of the van, that would have happened.) 
• I did not plan out summer activities well at all and so I am scrambling to have enough money for summer dance, summer birthday parties the kids go to, fun things, and the tennis class I wanted to sign Jackson up for. 
• We are going to Florida at the end of June, come hell or high water, and I'll be honest, I opened a credit card just to go. I KNOW. I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THIS IS. I don't want, or need, the lecture. I know how terrible and irresponsible this is. But then I think, life is short and we are going to go. I know I'm going kick myself in the ass come August, but we have to get the hell out of here. I'm suffocating. We need something fun and I just can't care anymore. So we are literally throwing caution to the damn wind. 

I figure I'll worry about adulting later. I just can't. I have too much happening at once and it's suffocating me. I keep saying it because I mean it. It's too much. 

Today is the big kids' last day of school and all of the emotions. Jackson is going to be a fourth grader next year which feels... it overwhelms me. But not as much as Olivia being a sixth grader. Between that and realizing I'm only two months away from Lucy turning one, which means it's only two months since the anniversary of my AFE, it's a LOT. And I honestly didn't think it would be a thing. I really didn't. I saw other survivors talk about it and I wondered why they talked about it with such weight and now I get it. It's heavy. I feel terrified and I don't know why. Every time I think about it I cry and I get scared. What am I going to be like on her birthday?! Is it just going to get worse the closer I get? I don't know. But yes. I just want to get through today, helping Olivia finish out elementary school, she looked nervous leaving for school this morning. Thinking of her today.